22/03 . Aches...Heart aches

It's aching.. oh, aching so much.. my heart.

And it has been crying silent tears. I no longer feel happy, at least not recently. My spirits have been low, and each time I think of him, aches just grip my heart, and frustrations and negativity fills me.

Why?

Why does it become like this? I miss the times we had in the beginning, it was so much fun to chat online. He is so witty and funny and refreshing, and so sincere and moving with his words... the promises.. the poem.. the songs.. and I fell head over heels. I was so thrilled about him I couldn't fall asleep and my heart kept beating, and wondering about the potential of where this can lead to. He'll call everyday, several times, and also every night.. and chat with me online almost daily and if not, he will sms me asking what am I doing, saying he miss me and other sweet things... and I did think, how long can he keep this up? And indeed, not long enough. For the past 2 whole days, I have not heard from him. Nor did I try to contact him anymore after our last conversation, where he sounded annoyed, and made me feel so unwanted. And for the past month, our contact with each other has greatly lessened... and so far, we've met 9 times, if I didn't miss out any. Gee, it sure felt much lesser than 9 times. Now, I don't even dare to call him, so afraid that no one will answer and wonder why won't he answer, and if he answer, will I hear a weak cold irritated voice at the other end asking me is there anything I want and why do I call.

Mistake, my mistake.
I have allowed him to dictate my happiness. I have became emotionally dependent on him and that is wrong. I am crushed, that I am not emotionally independent, though I badly want to be. I wish I am so cool. I wish I can just go about with daily things and don't give a second thought to why he hadn't call. Yes, he was sick. How sick? I just had enough of hearing all the excuses. Is he in hospital, is he in a comma? I'm sure he's up and about to eat, to bathe, to walk his dog, check emails and work a little... just have no time to even send me an sms. Am I such a dread? Am I such a bother? Am I such a problem? Am I so not worth a message or a call.... And I know I should stop thinking along such a line for my own sake.

All I know is, I felt taken for granted, uncherished, undesired. And I felt crushed in my confidence. I felt unattractive. Uncharming. And it is my own fault. It is time to end it.

I have made the mistake of heaping expectations upon him... and that leads to bitter disappointments. I have became needy and insecure because of his lack of availablity... hahahaha... what a joke. A repeat occurance of what happened with Tim. But of course, this round, I have many good experiences during the journey. I am just sad to see it ending. Grieved.

I don't want to continue it anymore. It's just too hard. Trying far too hard. It can never happen unless there is a change in lifestyle, and there's no way I want to change his lifestyle - he has been living his life this way for a decade and why should he change it just for me?? Who am I to demand or request for such a change? Yet there's no way I am going to adapt, nor accept the fact that I will have to live a "widowed"-like kind of life with him, or the tragic Swan Princess experience? That during the day time, in my waking hours, I will not and should not expect to hear from him nor get to go out with him until its past midnight? Sigh... this is just not practical. Otherwise, his early evenings will be for meeting potential clients or dinner with his mother, or soccer, or drinks with buddies. I'm kept till last. And I have to make noise... which takes A LOT from me, to get to meet him. And hell, sometimes it is because he kept saying how much he missed me and wish he could meet me that I respond and say OK lets meet and can you make it when... and he'll hesitate so much or have all kind of reasons why he can't meet that I just go crazy and frustrated and pissed. Because it really does hurt my ego, my pride, my dignity, my self-respect.

I guess I am just too attention seeking, demanding, and needy and high maintenance. I'm not easy to handle. Not easy to please.

And guess what, it has only been 2 months. But it has been a good two months.

I just hope I'm cool enough, emotionally, to handle the ending of this special friendship, or relationship. I don't know what to call it. Sigh...

I'm just feeling kind of devastated and dis-illusioned. Abandoned? maybe. But it's ok, he's really not the guy for me. I admire him for many qualities, but I guess that's all to it. He had been nice and tolerant with me, but also not anymore. He was sweet, but not anymore. He was funny and witty and charming, but I no longer find him funny nor witty nor charming. Most of the time I'm pissed with him, frustrated with him, or impatient with him. NOT GOOD.

The best thing is to end it. There's no point trying to work it out, because it is not working towards marriage. Yeah, what a joke. So forget it. Yes, easier said than done. But I think, that is the right thing to do... just don't know how to really do it. I am so double-minded and soft and weak.. but I know, I had heard enough of "I'm sorry"s. I had enough of saying "its OK". I had enough of explaining why I'm pissed. I had enough of feeling negative. Yes, it's not all his fault. But he had stopped making me happy. I had stopped being happy with him. So let's not try too hard. It's not gonna get too much better. Soon there will be another episode, another disapointment, another regret. So let's cool it off then, and keep the good memories.

There are really really nice memories... and those were what I was holding on to. I miss him, because of those memories. But... in a relationship.. even friendships, it is about making new memories and new experiences... but if each time it is unhappy, and not making it better and stronger, then let's not force ourselves.

Yeah, he might still be attracted, and I wonder why. Yes, he might still say I'm worth it, but I don't see the effort worthy of what he said. And if this is what I'm worth based on his efforts, I don't worth much then!!!!!! Empty words... sigh... why am I such a sucker.

I just feel bitter, and sour.. and hope it'll be over soon. Hope I'll get over it soon. Hope I'll be back to bubbly old me soon, the one that those close to me loves and knows. Back to my charming endearing witty chirpy old self.

OUCH. It hurts so bad.

10/03 . Baby David Glamour Shots by CrazyAunt

Hehehe... just could not resist being a silly Aunt. Some recent shots of Baby David, (now coming to 3 months old in 10 days' time) when he came over to our house for the afternoon :


Awwww... so cute~


I hope he would be VERY amused to see these pics when he grows up, kekekeke....

03/03 . Pig sighting @ Lau Pa Sat

Went Lau Pa Sat with Bir last Sunday! Bir was craving for grilled sotong and after considering a few places, we've finally decided on LPS. I really can't remember the last time I was there for dinner, but definitely a long long long time ago!!

Met up with Bir at Raffles Place MRT and found our way there... erm.. effortlessly. Heh! LTA or MRT or whoever did a great job with the signs, and plus my "talented" sense of direction, we're there within 15 minutes of walking without taking the one hour scenic route. kekekekeke...

The place didn't really change much, and we sat at the tables on the road. It was nice and windy and I'm glad the satay smoke wasn't blowing at our faces. We ordered food enough for 10 people and I even had beer, though I'm not really a beer person. We really pigged out, hehehehe... :

Here're some pics I took.. just for the memory :

We ordered :
Mee Goreng, Deep Fried Baby Squids,
Sting Ray, Sotong Fritters,
Satay (beef, mutton, chicken, duck).
Yes, Duck Satay.

Taking a pic for Bir - he didn't bring his digi cam wor~

Cheers!!! TIGER beer, Bir's favourite beer!

Bir and his share of food.. tsk tsk so greedy, hahaha

Argh... wah lau so blur, who's that lady?!

Nearer!!!! Yeah~ that's moi! kekeke...


We ate and yak yak till around 10pm and ... of course, we can't finish all these food. Then, we walked back to the MRT station and took a train down to Clarke Quay. We tried searching for Madam Wong's and finally learnt that it's located at Mohd Sultan. BAH. Nevermind, so we decided to go back to Crazy Elephant for a drink. I had a glass of house wine while Bir had another Tiger! And I must say that the house band's music is really good. I really felt like standing up and shake my ass around with attitude! hehehe... Woohoo~ Love the blues... the drums and the bass guitar are seamless, and the lead electric git were grrrrrrrrroooovy! We sat for about 40 minutes and left when a young guy with Donald Duck's kind of voice took the stage to jam. GAH. What a torture! His songs don't seem to end and obviously not many people bothered with him. To me, it was getting excruciating at some point. As the place got more smokey, it's our signal to go. Hence around 11.15pm, we left and head back to the MRT station.

Anyway, we still had a nice time hanging out and chilling!!!! Look at my happy piggy grin~ *_* So vain, hee hee... took it on our way back to the MRT, heading home liao~




Yes, so vain. I rike~

Cheeers!!! *burrrrrp~*

02/03 . YES!! I've got a job!!!! I will be "HR Excusetive"!!

Wahahahahhahaa!!!!!! I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO Happy!!!!! Yes I finally got a job! A permanent JOB!!!

I received an sms yesterday from Carol the Consultant to inform me that the fishing company had positively wanna hire me - and me being the ONLY person they've interviewed - and they are offering me the pay at $500 less than my previous-most-highest pay, which is S$1000 more than my last pay as a temp HR person!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Then, early this morning, I received a call from my friend from the headhunting firm who wanna hire me as the Research Associate, telling me that in case salary is the factor, they're gonna raise the offering salary up by $500 to match what the fishing company is gonna offer me!!!!! OH GOD! That really caused me to sit up and think carefully, because now this new development had made the decision a hard one! I had not anticipated that they would wanna "fight for me" to join their team. My friend told me that the whole team of Researchers really liked me and told her to "go for it" in terms of hiring me, and the Senior Head Consultant is also impressed with me and keen for me to join the team, and the raise in their offer is a joint decision between her and her boss!!!! WOW~! I'm overwhelmed. It amazed me that people really believed in me... (or perhaps I'm really convincing at bullshitting them during the interview... teeheehee... )

I also got frightened by horrible thoughts of having too much to do due to the highly diversified role I had to play at the fishing company, plus the political situation that 2 person will be "let go" once I join (I'd be taking over their jobs, somewhat) and the fear of not being able to cope or not being to live up to expectations due to my weaknesses, plus the lack in confidence to handle what I'm not good at. However, thanks to the few mentors and friends I have - which I immediately contacted - I managed to get a better view and perspective of what I really want (and don't want, and suck at doing) and I would find comfortable in doing from these precious people. Hence I decided to still go with the OCTOPUS job of being the HR-cum-everything-else person for the fishing company. Hence now, with salary offered being the same, I chose the adminitrative HR role. If this fails, I'll NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER do HR or Admin again. (..erm...but I might lah....... maybe be a humble old receptionist or a sales assistant at some ladies clothing shop~ hey, how about Giordano? hehehehehehe... or maybe I'll try my luck with food outlets like O'Briens or DeliFrance...... sigh... - but no worries, I'll never come to the state where I go join the Geylang ladies special force *gulp* kekekekeke....)

So, at 3.30pm, I signed the Job Offer.

My new boss looks as dashing as ever (awwwww.... George Clooney!!!! and he looked late 30's today, hahahaha...). He's a serious man, not the kind that is relaxed and joke around. But good, I don't need a clown for a boss anyway, hehehe.... and we're looking at the week of 20th or 27th March as commencement date, depending on when he'll be in Singapore. He did tell me a little bit about the delicate situation at the office, which of course, I fully understand, also that we will be working out some problems together, to which I pledge my utmost support!!! - and I like what he said too, that after they've interviewed me, they felt they've found a perfect fit and need not waste time to interview further candidates, hence the prompt decision. Hey, this really boost my ego and confidence because this means they really believed in me to be a good help and this is a very strong motivating factor for me... (hopefully, I'm not being too guilable and a silly sucker!!! ). How nice and romantic if a guy would said the same upon knowing me... that he had found the perfect one, and need not look further... Awwwwwww~............. Ok. wake up your idea.

Of course, on the other hand, I am also overwhelmed by the sincerity of the other Headhunting firm - the team of Researches and the Head Consultant who are so ready to believe in me, believing in my potential to "make it" as a good Research person for their team, and my friend who is so open and so willing to fight for me - I really feel grateful and sorry that I have to "let them down". Yes, it's their loss. (Hahahahaahaha ...Yes, KNS~ HEHEHEHEHEEEEEE..... perhaps its their blessing in disguise?!!??)

Sigh... I am so relieved!!! And I look forward to commencing work. Finally I can fully relax and enjoy myself (with the limited finances - only S$73 in my bank account today!!!! But some money should be coming in during the next 2 days!) till I start work end of the month. Might go Bangkok and Penang with mum on the week of the 13th, and I'm really excited!! I've always wanted to visit Bangkok but never had a chance. This is also one of my 2006 resolution - to visit one of the neighboring countries, e.g. Thailand or Indonesia. It's gonna come true!!!!!

THANK YOU all, for supporting me and encouraging me and giving me timely advice - I really appreciate it and am glad that now there is one big load off my shoulder. I will be comfortably paid, and very soon - perhaps in 4 months, I will be able to obtain the DEBT-FREE status! YAY!!!! What a dream came true!!!! ;P I really felt so happy this moment! And I am glad too, that my friend at the Headhunting firm is very open and understanding when I advised her of my decision. That made it all so much easier. I am truly grateful. Will buy her lunch next week.

I had such a fantastic day today : went out for Japanese lunch with mum and bee and the cutest baby David, visited a park and thereafter drove on to my new company to sign the contract, then have coffee, rush home and finally met up with my best pal for a movie in town. Hey, talking about the movie, we watched "BIG MOMMA HOUSE 2" and it is such a hilarious funny & absolutely great and entertaining movie!!!!! We both squealed and screamed and laughed through most part of the show, it is most enjoyable and I'm so glad I watch it with you, ET! :) Thereafter, we went for Ice-cream and chit chat, finally head home via MRT. It is a full day of celebration !!! And yes, ....... after watching Big Momma, I really MUST hit the gym soon~ .... lest I end up looking like Big Momma!!!!!!!! ARGH!!

So happy leh!!!!! WWwwwaaaaaha!!!!!!
I, HR EXCUSETIVE!!!!!!!! ;P