22/03 . Aches...Heart aches

It's aching.. oh, aching so much.. my heart.

And it has been crying silent tears. I no longer feel happy, at least not recently. My spirits have been low, and each time I think of him, aches just grip my heart, and frustrations and negativity fills me.

Why?

Why does it become like this? I miss the times we had in the beginning, it was so much fun to chat online. He is so witty and funny and refreshing, and so sincere and moving with his words... the promises.. the poem.. the songs.. and I fell head over heels. I was so thrilled about him I couldn't fall asleep and my heart kept beating, and wondering about the potential of where this can lead to. He'll call everyday, several times, and also every night.. and chat with me online almost daily and if not, he will sms me asking what am I doing, saying he miss me and other sweet things... and I did think, how long can he keep this up? And indeed, not long enough. For the past 2 whole days, I have not heard from him. Nor did I try to contact him anymore after our last conversation, where he sounded annoyed, and made me feel so unwanted. And for the past month, our contact with each other has greatly lessened... and so far, we've met 9 times, if I didn't miss out any. Gee, it sure felt much lesser than 9 times. Now, I don't even dare to call him, so afraid that no one will answer and wonder why won't he answer, and if he answer, will I hear a weak cold irritated voice at the other end asking me is there anything I want and why do I call.

Mistake, my mistake.
I have allowed him to dictate my happiness. I have became emotionally dependent on him and that is wrong. I am crushed, that I am not emotionally independent, though I badly want to be. I wish I am so cool. I wish I can just go about with daily things and don't give a second thought to why he hadn't call. Yes, he was sick. How sick? I just had enough of hearing all the excuses. Is he in hospital, is he in a comma? I'm sure he's up and about to eat, to bathe, to walk his dog, check emails and work a little... just have no time to even send me an sms. Am I such a dread? Am I such a bother? Am I such a problem? Am I so not worth a message or a call.... And I know I should stop thinking along such a line for my own sake.

All I know is, I felt taken for granted, uncherished, undesired. And I felt crushed in my confidence. I felt unattractive. Uncharming. And it is my own fault. It is time to end it.

I have made the mistake of heaping expectations upon him... and that leads to bitter disappointments. I have became needy and insecure because of his lack of availablity... hahahaha... what a joke. A repeat occurance of what happened with Tim. But of course, this round, I have many good experiences during the journey. I am just sad to see it ending. Grieved.

I don't want to continue it anymore. It's just too hard. Trying far too hard. It can never happen unless there is a change in lifestyle, and there's no way I want to change his lifestyle - he has been living his life this way for a decade and why should he change it just for me?? Who am I to demand or request for such a change? Yet there's no way I am going to adapt, nor accept the fact that I will have to live a "widowed"-like kind of life with him, or the tragic Swan Princess experience? That during the day time, in my waking hours, I will not and should not expect to hear from him nor get to go out with him until its past midnight? Sigh... this is just not practical. Otherwise, his early evenings will be for meeting potential clients or dinner with his mother, or soccer, or drinks with buddies. I'm kept till last. And I have to make noise... which takes A LOT from me, to get to meet him. And hell, sometimes it is because he kept saying how much he missed me and wish he could meet me that I respond and say OK lets meet and can you make it when... and he'll hesitate so much or have all kind of reasons why he can't meet that I just go crazy and frustrated and pissed. Because it really does hurt my ego, my pride, my dignity, my self-respect.

I guess I am just too attention seeking, demanding, and needy and high maintenance. I'm not easy to handle. Not easy to please.

And guess what, it has only been 2 months. But it has been a good two months.

I just hope I'm cool enough, emotionally, to handle the ending of this special friendship, or relationship. I don't know what to call it. Sigh...

I'm just feeling kind of devastated and dis-illusioned. Abandoned? maybe. But it's ok, he's really not the guy for me. I admire him for many qualities, but I guess that's all to it. He had been nice and tolerant with me, but also not anymore. He was sweet, but not anymore. He was funny and witty and charming, but I no longer find him funny nor witty nor charming. Most of the time I'm pissed with him, frustrated with him, or impatient with him. NOT GOOD.

The best thing is to end it. There's no point trying to work it out, because it is not working towards marriage. Yeah, what a joke. So forget it. Yes, easier said than done. But I think, that is the right thing to do... just don't know how to really do it. I am so double-minded and soft and weak.. but I know, I had heard enough of "I'm sorry"s. I had enough of saying "its OK". I had enough of explaining why I'm pissed. I had enough of feeling negative. Yes, it's not all his fault. But he had stopped making me happy. I had stopped being happy with him. So let's not try too hard. It's not gonna get too much better. Soon there will be another episode, another disapointment, another regret. So let's cool it off then, and keep the good memories.

There are really really nice memories... and those were what I was holding on to. I miss him, because of those memories. But... in a relationship.. even friendships, it is about making new memories and new experiences... but if each time it is unhappy, and not making it better and stronger, then let's not force ourselves.

Yeah, he might still be attracted, and I wonder why. Yes, he might still say I'm worth it, but I don't see the effort worthy of what he said. And if this is what I'm worth based on his efforts, I don't worth much then!!!!!! Empty words... sigh... why am I such a sucker.

I just feel bitter, and sour.. and hope it'll be over soon. Hope I'll get over it soon. Hope I'll be back to bubbly old me soon, the one that those close to me loves and knows. Back to my charming endearing witty chirpy old self.

OUCH. It hurts so bad.