10/09 . Is it time to be gone for good?

Read something off Yahoo 360 that just made me wanna wrap up and run forever and ever, disappearing from all these people....

I cannot handle it anymore...

Him asking her if she misses him.. then her asking him back..
Then him saying of course he misses her..
and all those hugs and kisses and love comments ...
and her saying he's so great...
and then 2.30, what's happening at 2.30am?
They are meeting for online chat?
Isn't it inconvenient to chat at this hour because of Maria???
But watever is 2.30... I'll never get to know.

As for the attention he's been giving her...
I am nowhere near all these.

But yes, I did finally receive an email from him today...

Said some general vague stuff.. including that I've been on his mind a lot.
But he didn't say he miss me.
Being on his mind doesn't mean he miss me - it could mean saying goodbye to me and how to say it. It could mean I've been a pain in the ass.. It could mean, he don't mind losing me.. ?

Why am I still holding on for him?
I guess when you've fallen hard for someone and truly loved him with a whole heart, its hard to just say stop.

He said he had not want to waste money on sms if since I will not bother to reply..
then why don't he send me an email or a message on yahoo?
I guess I dont' want to hear any lies nor do I want to know the truth.

But I know, to run and wrap everything up just like that is not my usual style. I need closure and I need to talk about things. I need to be set free. I need to be told in my face that he don't care anymore and don't want anymore of my love for him. Perhaps that he realised it was not love that he had for me ... just some other reasons.

Sighhhhhhhhh....

I am killing myself this way i know. And inflicting wounds upon myself unnecessarily...
but I guess I am in pain because I've been waiting to hear from him in vain.
I love this man and does he still love me and miss me and do I still mean much to him?

I don't know.

I wish I know.. and I wish I could talk to him.

09/09 . Disappointment and the wait

I really need to express my continual disappointment with him.

Why?

Why can't he just read my emails and send a reply?

That morning when we chat... when I told him honestly about how very disappointed I am that he doesn't seem to have read my emails, he felt so sorry and bad he apologised and said he will fix it.. that immediately after the chat he will go and take a look at the emails I've been sending him for the past week, and give me a reply. And he said he will read and reply each morning after chatting with me how about that? And I said, yes, I'd like that very much.

Guess what? Yes I did get his email, and I was happy. So happy I sent a reply. And in the evening right after I came home from work, I took the pain to write him a "All About Me" Tag Game answers that the friends are playing on the blogs, asking friends to answer those questions to see how they are connected. I wrote with my heart and soul, and had spent time thinking about the answers.... BUT....

I think till today, he have not seen my reply, NOR has he seen that email I sent him on those intimate answers.

Sighh.....

I have told him, the only way for me to know if you've read my mail is if you reply, or just simply acknowledge that you've got it, read it. I don't need a lengthy reply at all. Yet in the next day, in chat, he asked me to do the blog reply of the game. And I WAS MAD!!!! But I hold it in, and told him calmly... I have done it... and I have sent it to you in an email.

Well, really... I would have love to get a reply from him. I want to know what he thinks of my answers, does he like it? does it make his day? was he touched? BUT what I get is silence.......
How long is it going to last this way? Don't he check for my mails anymore? Don't he look forward to hearing from me anymore?

What's the point of me sending letters to an empty house where the owners no longer returns? I feel deeply hurt and disappointed by this very passive attitude he has. He gave me the reason that he reads his Yahoo mails because when he loads YM messenger he will see the notification. But yet.... in the beginning, which was just 2 months ago, when we created the account for him just for private communication with me..... he checks it daily I believe. Because we're in contact everyday. We were using google talk to chat also. But now... he rarely checks it, he says.

So this time, I am determine not to talk to him again till he sends me an email. It has been 2 days and my disappointment is slowly turning into resentment. I really do not want to end up bitter and sour with him.

Also, about this blog. He told me he will come and read it....
Have I seen his footprints yet? NOPE. But I guess, if he is here, he'll probably cringe reading all these words I'm writing. It's not gonna be nice and rosy reading someone's disappointment towards you.

Yet, if he does care and want to understand what's going on with me... he knows... this is the place to go. Isn't it ironical?

I could not find anymore excuses for him, but to feel that he was having me on. Or he has "moved on". I'm sad about this thought.

I can see, that he leaves a page comment a day on my Yahoo360. But that is not what I want. I want to see HIS EMAIL or REPLY!!! GRrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! That is IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!!!

I really don't know why things have suddenly change so drastically, but i know my heart is still bleeding, though my tears have ceased. Mum told me, when love is dead, tears ends. I fear. With all honestly, I am still reluctant to let it go. I am still hoping for a change. I am still hoping he'll knock and knock and knock on my door to get me back. I am hoping for him to flood me with sms, calls, emails, messages till I respond again.

His feeble effort only made me feel contempt. And utter disappointment. All I want is an email... because that is how we stay close and connected. I don't want to meet for chat. I want an email. I want him to get onto google and send me a fucking email. I want to know that he has bothered to read my heart and soul poured out to him. I want to know my words have landed upon his heart. Sighhhhhhhhhh~!

I'm so disappointed I could only cry. And could not lift up my soul.

Seeing him flirting with Hani is also bad, using the Strawberries and Cream and stuff. I detest it today, and I feel like a fool. Yes, I do. I do not see any act of sincerity.. I am turning blind and deaf to all those benefit of doubts I used to give. i don't want to end up hating him. I really want to continue to have faith in his good, and i really want to carry on to look upon him as a worthy friend. Yes, a WORTHY friend.

Are we still best friends and soulmates? I am judging from his action next few days. Now that the funeral is over, I will see what he does with his time. If he can do without me... it does seems so now... then I guess, it is time for me to WAKE UP, accept that I've been a fool again, and walk away.

He has disqualified himself.

Though forever he will remain special to me due to the special moments and memories we shared.... I am sorry and sad that it had not lasted.

Action speaks louder than words. I will not continue to believe a man who only pays lip-service.

Sigh.. Please don't disappoint me darling. Please proof me wrong, because I do still love you... but I am loosing faith by the day.

Hope things are fine with you at home. I just wish you'll write to me. It can be anything.. ranging from telling me how the funeral went, how did you feel these few days... or just telling me your thoughts about my messages or anything!!!

Sigh....

I only hope I'll not compromise and will hold out till he proof himself worthy.
May he send word soon, and stop making those silly comments thinking I will respond.

Don't handle me like you handle Hani. I don't work the same way. This formula doesn't work with me. You gotta reach me the vivian way. i.e. write me an email!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, and you will score even more points if you EVEN visit this blog, read these words and leave a comment. Then yes, give yourself a pat on your shoulder -- you've just gotten your friend back and prevented losing me forever.

Good night.

07/09 . Still thinking of him

Still couldn't stop myself thinking of him. Somehow. I guess he has impacted my life so deeply and every image of him, every word written & spoken by him has been deeply etched in my mind in my soul in my heart. It's gonna be really hard to detach myself if I ever want to.

He said we're so entwined in our souls that he could not bear to see me hurt and his very first respond will be always to protect and comfort and soothe... I wonder if he could feel these deep achings of my heart? Can he feel it reducing as death takes over? The despair continues as I continue to experience his silence. I wonder how is he feeling now? I couldn't feel his pain, because I have no idea what he is going through right now.. other than headaches, some frustrations from hani, maybe some distress & annoyance because of Maria, some exhaustion because of the funeral arrangements, errands, playing with the kids, some anxiety because of his job and finances, some irritation because of his dad, some part of him missing me?? ... sigh...

I still care about him.

And after reading back our last conversation, I felt I have over-reacted. And wonder if I have misunderstood him once again.. perhaps I was so dismayed at that point, i stop listening to what he is saying and just went to the extreme of devastation refusing to hear anything else.

Upon reading back, I realised I've also failed to be his friend. I think I should have probe him more about a statement he made ... that Maria has not made up her mind if she will walk out on him. I don't remember reading it. If I did I would have try to find out what happened.. background & context of that statement.. have they been talking again? Or have they been in a fight? How does he feel about it? Is he worried that she will take the kids with her? Have he tried talking sense into her not to drag the kids into it? She does not have work and how is she going to survive if she walks out? She does not have family and friends where would she go? If she insist on going she can but she should not drag the kids along and use them as weapons to hurt him or manipuluate him.... and it is not fair for the kids too. Sighhh..... i feel helpless along with him, because I do not have any advice or solution nor is able to offer any tangible help. The least I could do is to be his listening ear, yet I was so absorbed in my own emotions to be a friend to him. I wish I can be by his side, to provide comfort and moral support... just like the day when he encountered Chris & Huabs at the cinema.

Yet at the same time, I disagree with how he is handling things with Hani. I guess I really don't know the facts behind the scene other than what he has been telling me. But from what he is saying.. and what he has been doing (what I can see from the blogs & friends sites).. I feel confused and puzzled. And this is one thing i cannot really reconcile or resolved in my mind till today. Judge a man's intention by his actions. Right now, i still can't comprehend fully the story between him and Hani. but I know, for me to have a very objective view of things, I will need to be detached from him first as a "lover" wannebe.

Went to visit Hani's friendster blog last night... and saw her blog entry expressing her confusion.. crawling in the dark and couldn't see ahead.. if it is ending.. if she should use her mind and what she is seeing or still continue to believe ... blah blah blah.. and no one is telling her anything. Sighh.. i feel for her and I could feel her pain. Am I not in the same boat? In some way yes. I feel she has sharp instincts, and she is not stupid. Women tend to deny what our instincts are telling us, suppress our feelings and tell ourselves otherwise.. and dismiss those thoughts. It doesn't help us further if the man continues to give us false hopes and assurances. ARRGGHHHH I don't know, I don't want to accuse him. I just think he has the softest heart and never want to hurt anyone and therefore he couldn't bear to either end things, confront her honestly and directly on issues he felt is wrong based on his sharp instincts, nor see her devastated or disappointed in him. Sometimes, we have to be cruel to be kind. And I have always ask it of him. So far, he has not promised me i think.. hahahaaha O dear, I can't remember if he did. Sometimes he does, sometimes he just said something else and i got distracted.

Anyway i deleted the link after reading. I don't ever wanna go back to read her blogs again...
And Phil's friendster blog is gone too? i click the direct link and it says Not Found. I hope he has not deleted his blog or account has he? I don't think he will pay money to keep his blog private hahahaa.. but perhaps its just some bug. Anyway, I decided to delete the link too. I no longer want to be involved in their lives remotely. I still like Phil's humour, his wicked wit is also unbeatable. I still love the good in these people, even Hani... from the impression given through her blog, and I do believe she touched the lives of people around her with her personality and kindness. Probably because she felt intimidated by me and sensitive and suspicious about my intentions she went on offensive at me. Sighhhhh...... it doesn't matter now. I'm tired of all these games and adult issues. Can I go back to being a simpleton and an idiot?

Another issue I feel strongly about is..
if hani was the one who wrote that letter to Maria, and if he really feel in his gut that it is Hani and not Huabs ---- Then he rightly owe Huabs a sincerely apology, and I think he should do it without delay and there's no need to wait for evidence. There will never be evidence (unless Maria secretly kept the letter she received) and hani will never confess to it. He should bring closure to his issues with Huabs by giving her this apology, she deserves it.

And it is precisely the poison pen threat Hani posed that made me move my blog address and this time change the blog header too. I do miss "Tweetie Talk" but I guess, its too risky. I dont want her to do a search and find me here, because I blog honestly and not ambiguously about my thoughts and people. Yes when i first started out i don't use names, but now, I no longer give people the link... its' private and I'm giving myself the freedom to air my own thoughts. Sigh.. However I do enjoy those times too, when I share my blog with friends and other folks. In Yahoo360 it is still too public for comfort, and I feel vulnerable to come under the attack of people I know or don't know. I am after all, a person that relates more on a one-on-one basis, comfortable with a small group of close friends instead of the general public.

Oh yes, back to the threat of poison pen. The threat we're under, is that if hani finds this blog, she'll first of all blow and end things with paul of course, and then she might potentially copy the contents and forward them to Maria - which will result in a volcanoe eruption or atomic bomb explosion in the house, leading to her leaving with the kids and him devastated, and Hani can also use the contents of my blog to ridicule me in her blogs etc. Is she capable of such hateful mean intentions? If she is, why does he continue to be associated with her in such an intimate basis? If my friend is capable of making my life hell this way and I no longer trust him/her, I will quickly detach myself and stay far away keeping a safe distance and if possible lose contact. But I know, we always tend to believe in the good of others, especially our friends. I guess, it is hard for him when they have so many years of close friendship together. I believe she loves him dearly, and he, once loved her too.. he called her "his muse" and I can't remember what she called him. It's etched in the inside of the rings they exchanged with each other.. and said their vows. In a bizzarre way, they are engaged.. and to her.. they are married to each other. I don't know, I just think it is beyond my ability to comprehend, but i guess you can't keep keep love in a box and give it rules. Love goes beyond rules and defy comprehension.

I think I am now confusing myself and confusing others with my thoughts, LOL!!!!!!

It is still hard not to have heard from him..
And hard not to have heard from anyone else either!!! hahahaha
Oh but Martin have begun to step up on his messages and sent me sms today saying he has been thinking of me, how am I doing?.. GAH. I wonder what kind of thoughts he have been thinking. I'd say its not pure ones. bwahahahahahha~!!

I've been quiet for 2 whole days at work and has been expressionless most times. Collegues are getting very concerned and started saying sweet things and sunny stuff to me though they have no idea what is bothering me. So sweeeeet of them it warms my heart. :)
And ET read my blog yesterday when she found me strangely quiet bcos i did not reply to her messages on MSN. See, this is what I mean!!!! She went there to see if I updated anything about my present state of mind or what I am going through. Then she called me to say she has seen my blog post and how am I doing. I am touched to the core and had a good talk with her in the evening.. feeling much better after the talk.

I still can't get out of the habit of checking mails for his messages, checking Yahoo360 for his comments, checking my mobile for his sms at almost every 60mins interval. Each time I load gmail I brace myself for disappointment.. .. sigh.... I miss those days where I got there and there's a cheery little or long message from him with wacky subject titles. I love him and his messages so much.. I love him in too many ways, its gonna be hard to kick this addiction.

OK, will get back to work now. Just taking a moment after lunch to ease the verbal diarrhea of my soul, sort out the thoughts and emotions.

I love you baby, and I miss you.

06/09 . Devastation

Chatted again this morning with him and my tears fall like rain when it dawned upon me that he truly is relating to me only as a soulmate & best friend and nothing further. I have not taken the term literally in all his mails, had put the thoughts on hold though my emotions went into gyrations last week. I had held on to the hope that his love for me is beyond friendship and strong as that of a lover. I found out that I am wrong about that this morning.

Right now i am in a daze. I am in somewhat of a denial, and in devastation.
I have still been relating to him like a lover, declaring an even stronger love, yet this man has already taken the step back.. when I am still moving forward.. thinking he is with me. Vivian Hoo, time to wake up.

And if this is the current state of things.. many things don't matter anymore. And my expectations have to be reset at the lowest level.

From a "best friend and soulmate"..

I do not expect priority of attention
-- hence no room for jealousy. No more feeling the pricks and pangs when he is giving another person (whom he is/was romantically linked) more attention or flirts or teases.

I do not expect him to read my emails or look forward to my emails - and no wonder another load of my emails sent yesterday has gone unread. I was quiet about my disappointment, and it doesn't matter anymore.

I do not expect him to even read my blog when he can
-- because what I'm thinking and feeling and going through is no longer the first thing on his mind that he wanna know about. I just feel, he's no longer as curious about me as he was before.
OK that's not a fair statement I know, he has too much things on his plate but I think I will stop making excuses for him from now on. However, just like my best friend ET, she will periodically read it regularly to see if i've updated it, and sometimes she dont read its fine she has been fully updated with what's happening in my life. And even if she has no time to read them when she told me she will, I'm fine.. I don't feel disappointed.
Sigh. its hard for me to change the way I look at things.. to me.. actions still speak louder than words. And so far, he has been giving lots of words but recently... only recently.. he has not been delievering.. sighhh..

I have set wrong expecations on him , therefore I am disappointed. So I won't blame him. I will manage my expecations. I WILL MANAGE MY EXPECTATIONS!!!

And i do feel so foolish in expressing all my disappointments to him, because, that will only just give him some pressure, that made him meet those expecations because he feel bad, not because he love me so much he can't wait to check and see I've sent him any mails today, can't wait to see if I updated anything in my blog or finding it strange that I've not been blogging etc. I do not have the words to describe the extent of devastation I am feeling, and I know my pride has been hurt. I now feel ashamed that I've been expressing to him my desires to make love to him (when he did not view upon me as a lover!! EEEEWWWW), and feel ashamed that I've felt all lovy dovy with all his new attentions given to me in Yahoo 360 plus the morning chats.

BUT... yes.. I am not ashamed that I have love him. I have love boldly, freely, with abandonment, without holding back. I have love him with a pure heart, with my whole heart.

And its lonely to be loving someone all by yourself, without reciprocation in the same way..

I can't accept nor handle the reality right now that he has taken the stand of closer than bestfriend and soulmates. And it doesn't help when he kept repeating that he had made it very clear in all his several emails to me that he can only be friends. It made me feel so ... shameless.. OMG.. that I have told him i will not give up on loving him, i will not give up on the hope that we'll be together one day, that I will hold on and blah blah blah..

Hahahaha this picture doesn't look too good to me. HEY LEAVE THE MAN ALONE BITCH! HE SAID NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to go to work. Today the weather will be cloudy and storms at different parts of the day.

This time... reality sets in. I'm giving up the twilight & flicker of hope. I have been utterly shattered. Is there still any point in completing my Anniversary post?


Never thought this will made me cry and sob out aloud... its been a long time since I've cried so hard that i need to muff it with a towel.. the last time it must have been in Feb/Mar.. over Hook, the devastation is beyond my expectations.

Feeling much better after a good cry. Will leave the thinking to tonight. No more chats with him till Friday morning. Will be up to it then hopefully. Time to take the step back and take off the badge that says.."Lover". I've poured out all of my love.. and time to turn the tap off.

Sigh. What a fool I've been.

05/09 . Daily joy & the pangs of adjustment

Change is the only constant, and when things or circumstances change, I need to adapt and adjust to changes, and coping with it the best way I can. Most of all, I must remind myself to be open and positive about changes, and be contented with what I still have, instead of whining about what I no longer hold.

For the past 2 days, I have awaken early in the morning to chat with my BaoBei. And to me, it has been gratifying to have such moments with him. I could feel such a freedom of his soul, and could once again connect with him much intensely ... because he is relieved of the stress and pressure and self-consciousness and annoyance that comes from the suspicious & prying eyes from behind him. Sighhhhhhhh I totally understand how tormenting that felt. I get cranky and won't be surprised that Mr Cranky will bring along his friend, Mr Headache.

Those morning talks has been precious. I shed tears (as always), felt my heart swell with love, at times melt under his sweetest words, speak freely and ask questions, joke and muck around, and finding the joy again that we once enjoy talking together. He is such a different person - and I can now comprehend why. I am only concerned that he is not sleeping enough because he's not such a nocturnal creature like I am. I am very deeply touched that he stay up late to chat with me. Awwwwww.......

So now, we chat in the morning instead. From 7am to 8am.. maybe 8.20am, the hour past so fast it felt like 10 minutes to me. I treasure it, and can't wait till morning again.

Well, this also means some drastic adjustments, to which I am still adapting to .. and which I i'm still going through withdrawals, ahahhaa.. almost like jet lag (SLEEEEEEPP) or a change of lunch hour to a later timing... HUNGER!!!!!!!

And I realised I'm quite an animal of habit and routine when it comes to this hahaha..
In the beginning when we're friends (when I was still crazy abt Phil and Baobei was then my wonderful caring pal whom I adore)... he'll book me for chats and it doesn't matter if I could make the chat or not. It's free and easy, casual, and maybe just twice per week. Well but it did start to increase when he started to call me for 5mins when he is at lunch or walking home from work just to find out how was my day, and I would look forward to 7pm or 11pm just to get his friendly call. Also at that point, we're leaving messages and comments everywhere on the blogs so there's really not one day where we didn't "heard" from each other. :)

Things begin to spin really fast when the storm blew, following my "departure" and then his peresistency.. and we started chatting daily, hahahahaa that was so funny, because I was wanting to keep a break of silence, and he will ask me if it is working at all, ahahhahaaaa.. URRGgggghhhh this guy!! Oh I miss this part of him so much! His persistency is unbeatable.. when he wants to. hehe..

So the romance season started..
Text exchanges via sms during the day.. back and forth..
before he goes to work he'll try to catch me on google chat for 10mins to say hello (and I'd actually wait around my PC at 2.15pm just so I could catch him. Well.. it stopped. But its ok.. .. however I continued to log on to gmail and wait for a whole week before I am convinced he's not coming on at that hour anymore.. hahaa, silly gal.
Weekends, or during the week we'd talk on the phone or have longer chats at night..
there's also emails from him.. :)
OK, the way I'm describing it is as if it spanned over a long period, hahaa no.. i think this was only for 2-3 weeks, then I flew to LONDON!!!!!

While in Norway, even on the flight towards Amsterdam, the anxious longing and impatience to finally meet him was there. Wished so much I'm flying straight to London instead of having to wait for a whole week! And during those days too, exchanges in text and also calls when possible.

Needless to say, the time in Enfield is electrifying, intense, romantic, we spent time freely talking, dated continuously for 3 days (haha!), and had a memorable time together. It was so hard to say goodbye at airport.. Sighhhhhhhhh... I.... MISS.... HIM.... SO.... MUCH!!!
And I wish with all my heart, this will not be the first & last time we are together. I pray that a miracle will happen for us one day.

Anyway, ever since the recent storm and explosion plus what happened at home with maria & kids..... (-OMG it was just last Monday, a week ago!! felt like its been a month! the torment really shook me up, sighhhhhh) - things have changed. And it is harder now and even tougher. It does seem to me that the odds against us have rised even more! And I do know, everyone is emotionally and mentally exhausted in many ways.

It is time to accept that things have change, and adapt to the change, make the best out of it, make the most out of it. I am very contented now, and will continue to remind myself to be contented. ARggghhhhh it is still hard not to get his sweet or cheery sms for the day without missing him so bad till it hurts, but if I manage my expectations (e.g. Expect NO texts) then eventually after some time.. I'll get adjusted.. other routine of life takes over.. no more pangs and cravings.. sighhhh.. (wonder if that is really possible. I'm like a wave that keeps sweeping non-stop onto his shore, hahahaa..), a rising tide. Oh dear.

Also, I am contented to know that he has not taken me for granted. And I know, I should ease up on him and not demand for more than he can give me in terms of attention. He has a life to live too and its not all about me. That is the problem with LDRs I guess, when we can't have visibility into your man's daily activities.. sigh... and we woman spent the whole day wondering what he is doing now.. is he thinking of me.. does he miss me... why didn't he call.. why didnt' he write.. and we go insane getting hung up. That's why I like Madonna's song "Hung Up". .. It goes.. "Time goes by .. so slowly.. while I'm waiting on you". Yet men are dumb-dumbs, hahahahaha..

Well, sigh, I still think of him throughout the day, through the night.. he's the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep (if I could!).. and the first thing on my mind when I awake (too early!! and kept missing him again!! arrrggghhhhhhh *pulls hair*).

If I can manage my expectations, and be contented with what the waves sweep in instead of expecting daily shipments by sea... hahaha I think I'll be a much relaxed and happy gal!

Today, I have not sent him sms. BUT, I've already sent him 2 emails!!!! hahahahaa
But it was sweet of him to send me an email today.. i had been deeply disappointed that he has not been reading mails because he did not log into google at all.. and I felt bad telling him the truth. sigh.. but I'm glad too, otherwise I'd probably be prone to resentment because of the disappointments. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Disappointment is the hardest to overcome. It's easier to deal with anger than disappointment. I am so grateful that he is kind to me in his reaction. I cried when i confessed it because it took a lot out of me to voice that out. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yet he always have the sweetest respond that soothes.. diminish every drear.. and bring good cheer back to my soul. I am just falling and falling in love with him over and over and over again.. haha yeah..

I don't know how I could ever stop loving him, and I don't know how bright the future looks for us. As for now, I will cherish every moment, and will continue to journey through this tumultuous path with him. May we always bring each other joy, happiness, cheer, love, peace, fulfillment, comfort, acceptance, understanding and all things good. May we always be honest, open, sensitive, considerate, and gracious to each other and be the best soulmates, best friends, best companions and best lovers..... hopefully, best life partner for each other.

OK, its 5.30pm. Time to go home.. get distracted.. try to sleep and wake up tomorrow for our chat. Wish I could shorten the waiting time by lengthening the sleeping time!! ahhahaahaaa!! go to bed at 7pm and wake up 7am!!! Woah and that will be just 2 conscious hours to wait! hahaaha, I'll try. Go to the doctor and get some hard core sleeping pill that'll knock me out for a full 12hrs. teeheeeheeee...

I wonder what is he doing right.... now....? Hmm....... (perhaps he just woke - its 10.30am ^^,) Good morning Cupcake!!!!!!

03/09 . Love even stronger

So glad I could have that chat with him last nite.. it was really really precious... and he came online despite being fully exhausted and having a migraine running. How do you stop loving a man like that? (And no no no you don't you demon of cynicism, i resist you! Yes I can't be there to verify if he is really having a migraine haha but i will not allow any seeds of doubt here! GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! )

OK, done. Demolished that cynical thought... hahahaa what to do, all of the demons have recently attended my pity party. Some refused to leave though the party is over!

During the talk, i cried a few times, different reasons.

Once, i cried when i misunderstood him of accusing me of "playing games" and felt hurt by his blunt words which seemed to carry a tone of impatience with me - (of course, I read text off the screen with my voice & apply emotions from my end....) But realised later he meant he is having a headache and can't do guessing games so prefer to have me tell him things straight bcos he already has problem concentrating... Ahhhhh... i see.. ooops. --- But that is the kind of honesty we share with each other.. that I am able to tell him when I felt hurt by some words (which I know is unintended to inflict wounds), instead of harbouring it within and allowing resentment to build. And he possess the greatest patience to explain kindly what he meant instead of reacting to my words and get annoyed. But no matter what he said, I do know there are times I annoyed him and get to him, was insensitive and hurt him, was accusing or blaming... -- just that he has the depth of love and width of graciousness to tolerate and minimise its effects on him. I think, next to him, no man will have such patience and love for me... Sighhhhh... (Perhaps other than God, but God is GOD, no one can compare to GOD!!!!!!)

Another time I cried, is when he said.. "I... love... You...."
Sigh... and I know he meant it with all his heart, so much so I could feel it so real. I know he does not patronise me and I know he loves me more than I think, more than I can imagine.

Also, I cried (oh dear I'm such a cry baby, sigh...) when I was pleading for him to chat with me today, to let me see his face again on the webcam. At that point, I was prepared that this might be the last time I will see his face in real-time... , and I wanna make the anniversary memorable for me (because it meant so much more to me)..., and then disappear from his life forever - oh, or for as long as I can help it. I have failed each time, haha, but I don't give up trying, kekekekekeke...

However, as of today, I have changed my mind... I can't walk out on him.

Today, while I was searching for a good famous friendship quote (and a mild one that won't start explosions - wish i could send love quotes!!!) for his Friendster testimony... I saw one that says.. "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out". And it had a tremendous impact on me. I was horrified that I, his friend... not just a friend.. but his bestest friend in the wholest widest world - was gonna walk out on him, OMG!! How could I even do that!!!!! Anyway honestly, I know I could never walk out on him...it has been impossible. Sigh....... and now that we've had the talk last night, I felt the bonds we shared have become even stronger than ever. I was gonna walk out because I had begun to doubt him, thinking he has let go of his end of the rope, thinking that there's no point for me staying because I can't see why he need me around, thinking that without me he'll still have a nice life anyway -- judging by the fun he seems to be having elsewhere, feeling the pain in my heart that deepens with each increasing day without him, missing him, pining for his attention, living on his every word.... it was getting so unbearable I just wanna cut and run, knowing that he'll be alright.

sigh.. I was so wrong.

During the talk, I understand finally .. and see more clearly the deep fear he has for losing his children. He loves them above anything in the world and can never walk out on them nor lose them - which explains why he will never risk it. I get to comprehend the severity of the whole matter, learn the extent of what destructive means the other women could go to ensure maximum damage to his world. (WTF!!? And you call that love? OMG... run from the witch, you idiot!!!! ... and yea~ come to me baby.. I'm a bitch but i'm no witch. bwahahahaa~!). I see a man tormented and trapped in a complicated situation that may never change, and in some way ...one that he may not leave even if the cage door is opened. And I know, though he is bound and gagged in his prison, I am the only window in this cold dark prison cell, from which he could look out once in a while to gaze at the beautiful sunny skies and smell the fragrance of the flowers outside, and feel the nice soothing breeze blowing in, glance at the silver moon light.... (heh, so poetic...)

EEEEK~!! *GULP~*!!!! OK OK haha.. I think I'm exalting myself really high here, hahahahahaha but in a self-conceited way I do like the picture very much, hahahaha!!!! So... how could I bring myself to close this window on him? I'm not heartless!!! So, I guess, as long as he still want this window, the window stays open. Sigh..... Oh, but he does have the internet and TV you know... people nowadays look into PC and TV screens more than looking out windows!!! And in the same way, his entrance into my life has brought such sunshine and hope... made dreams came true, though there are some dreams that we are still holding on... may it come true one day. *clasp hands and pray*

I just feel that.. after this explosion and storm and all that I've went through for the past week.. and after this heart to heart talk with him (heyyyyyy all our talks are heart to heart!!) .. I have come through - having a deeper love for him, a greater trust and understanding, ....stretched in my capacity to handle pain, willingness to be even more patient, stubborness to hang on and not give in, and an even softer heart and empathy for what he is going through. I felt that through it, I have known him better, taste of his love stronger, and all I wanna do is make love to him. HAHAHAHA OK OK the last bit is true but I added it in because it will seem more colorful that way. Hmmmm...... yes I do wanna make love to him. oh yaahh.. oh yahh...yahh..yahh... :P

Right now, though there is only a twilight of hope for a future to be together, I'm holding on to it. Because he too, is still holding on to that flicker of hope, that things might change in the future because there is so much uncertainty in life.

I only hope that there will come a time where he can find a solution, e.g. talk Maria through till she accept the circumstances and allow him to love someone else, be with someone else while still supporting her and kids, - where thing do not need to be extreme, where there is no need to take the kids away forever. It is a naive thought and a dream, but there can be miracles... when you believe.

Lyrics from chorus of the song WHEN YOU BELIEVE :

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

Hmmmm..... saw another interesting song when searching for above lyrics...
Never heard it though, but the words seemed rather apt, hehehe :

Miracles Happen (When You Believe)
(From the album "MYRA")

Miracles happen, miracles happen
You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, miracles happen

I can't imagine living my life without you now
Not ever having you around
We found our way out
(on you I can depend)
Don't have to look back to realize how far we've come
There are million reasons
I'm lookin up
I don't want this to end


Nothin should ever bring you down
Knowing what goes around will come around

You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe

There is no question we found the missing pieces
Our picture is complete
It's fallen into place
This is out moment, you and I are looking up
Someone is watching over us
Keeping me close
Closer to you everyday


Nowhere on earth i'd rather be
No one can take this away from you and me


You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe

When you believe
The soul is a shining light
When you believe
The heart has the will to fight
You can do anything, don't be afraid
We're gonna find our way

You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe


Happy Anniversary baby, I love you.
*tigger*

03/09 . Cupcake & Donut : 1 month Anniversary

(WORK IN PROGRESS - TO BE CONTINUED)

This day of last month is the first time we met face to face - 3rd August 2006. It has been ONE MONTH since, but boy it had felt like 1 whole year!!!!!!!!!

The trip to meet him was a timely opportunity and filled with great anticipation amidst great impatience too! I had to fly to Norway for a business trip, and will stop over in London on my return trip for 3 days..... just to meet this man whom my heart belonged.

It was 10 July, 2 months ago, during a MSN chat that we discover our feelings and attractions for each other. During then I was still wrestling with him trying to keep a break of silence of 1 month with him till the dust settled blah blah blah bcos of Hani. We were chatting that night because of a terrible thing that happened to me when I was out on a date.. and was telling him how I felt when this guy held my hand when I did't want him to. I still remember when Cupcake asked.. "What will you do if I hold your hand?" .. and at that point, I felt such a thrill throughout my body and instantly blushed.. I replied in all honesty .. "I think I will melt...". I think we had a moment there. To me, that is the moment I know my feelings for him has crossed the line. And oh yea, it was a happy and exciting feeling though full of uncertainty. I remember I couldn't sleep due to excitement and bewilderment... wow... him? like me? Me? Really? why? ... and lots of other questions, and "LOVE IS IN THE AIR" the next few days and weeks that followed.

Before he goes to work he will get onto google and we will chat for 5-10 quick minutes before he goes off, and at night (after his work) we will meet again to chat for 1-2 hours. We managed to go on webcam once or twice and it was really precious moments. I look at him differently and my heart totally opened out to this man, this sweet sweet love of mine. :) We exchanged sms daily and every night before I sleep if we didn't chat till the wee hours. It was really sweet.

On the actual day of his birthday, 30 July 2006, I called him from the top of the Preikestolen (Pulpit Rock) in Norway, after a tormenting climb up with the sales team, and it was excruciating due to my knees pains. My knee joints have worn out hence it tends to inflame due to lack of shock absorbtion and might pinch the nerves. Hence the climb has been a torment once the pain started mid way through the climb. Ok back to the story... heeheee.. It was there that I managed to call through to his mobile and wished him happy birthday.... and it was there, for the first time, that I heard him say "I Love You" to me.... 600 meters above ground. It was most romantic, and I was an idiot. He said it right before I hang up, and when it dawned upon me that he had said it for the first time , I had already ended the call. Although on text we ever did say i love you to each other... but it's significant when he speak it to me. And I hope I will always remember this day. Yes, I love you too.. so much so much so much...

DAY 1 - 3 AUG 2006 THU

At the Airport..
I arrived at the airport early in the afternoon and sat waiting for him at a row of seats near the entrance. Wore the Tigger Cap I bought him for his birthday and sat there... killing time reading all his text messages, earnestly waiting for him. A man came and sat next to me, and when he sat down he accidentally kicked me. I didnt' bother, but when he kicked me again, I looked up, and hehehehehe..... Awwwwwwww it was PAUL!!!!!!!!! And he had the most beautiful bunch of flowers for me!!!! Yay! the first time any guy bought me flowers of love!!! WOW!!!! My heart melt, and it is all so romantic. Sighhhhhhh....

Then we went to get tickets and are soon on our way to Enfield by train. There was no distance between us and no awkwardness, maybe a tad of shyness, but all I could feel was sweetness. I can't remember what we talk about, but all I wanna do was to look at him and feel his presence. We reached Oakwood, and took a bus, and he brought me to the "Holtwhites Hotel" where I'll be staying for 2 nights, not too far from where he lived.

While walking to the hotel after we alighted the bus... we stopped to look at some flowers.. and that is when.. When he gave me a sweet little kiss on my lips. Mmmmmmm..... I can still remember the sweetness that filled my entire soul. My first kiss with him. Well, this is the beginning of all other kisses we had, some more deep and passionate, some light and tender and sweet. I miss his kisses so much. And yes, I miss kissing him.












Video of the birthday song I sang him..

03/09 . ENFJ? Me? OMG we're perfect match!!

Did the test at another new site.. and the results thrown me off the chair.

I'm an ENFJ!!! Not an ISFP??? Geeeezz.... my life is really getting more and more complicated!! sigh..... I am evolving... or I am really an ENFJ unsurpressed!!!! hahaha.. And the cutest thing is, my younger brother is also ENFJ

Anyway, these are the codes .. I'm going back to do it again, I'm still in denial.

You Are An ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Hahahaah... please laugh with me..
After doing it a 3rd time, I finally got back ISFP! ... but.. I do think I like the ENFJ better!!! However, I know I cannot be a "J". I am way too spontanuous to be a "J". hehe..

My conclusion? I think I am BOTH. So much has happen in my life recently, I feel I am turning into an ENFJ maybe. hahaha. I donno. But I do agree with the ENFJ descriptions more than the ISFP... and I took the ENFJ descriptions from The Personality Page.

And I read something that shocked me at the Relationship section. It said.. The ENFJ's natural partner is the INFP. I was spellbound... Paul... my soulmate.. my beloved.. my cupcake... is.... I..N..F..P..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are we meant to be?????? Are we????? OMG!!


Portrait of an ENFJ
Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition)


The Giver

As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get under people's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives are usually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have been known to use their power over people to manipulate them.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they deal with people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controling with others.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

ENFJ Careers

Whether you're a young adult trying to find your place in the world, or a not-so-young adult trying to find out if you're moving along the right path, it's important to understand yourself and the personality traits which will impact your likeliness to succeed or fail at various careers. It's equally important to understand what is really important to you. When armed with an understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, and an awareness of what you truly value, you are in an excellent position to pick a career which you will find rewarding.

ENFJs generally have the following traits:

Genuinely and warmly interested in people
Value people's feelings
Value structure and organization
Value harmony, and good at creating it
Exceptionally good people skills
Dislike impersonal logic and analysis
Strong organizational capabilities
Loyal and honest
Creative and imaginative
Enjoy variety and new challenges
Get personal satisfaction from helping others
Extremely sensitive to criticism and discord
Need approval from others to feel good about themselves
The flexibility of these characteristics leave the ENFJ a lot of leeway in choosing a profession. As long as they're in a supportive environment in which they can work with people and are presented with sufficient diverse challenges to stimulate their creativity, they should do very well.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ENFJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed here.

Possible Career Paths for the ENFJ:

Facilitator
Consultant
Psychologist
Social Worker / Counselor
Teacher
Clergy
Sales Representative
Human Resources
Manager
Events Coordinator
Sales Representative
Politicians / Diplomats
Writers



ENFJ Relationships

ENFJs put a lot of effort and enthusiasm into their relationships. To some extent, the ENFJ defines themself by the closeness and authenticity of their personal relationships, and are therefore highly invested in the business of relationships. They have very good people skills, and are affectionate and considerate. They are warmly affirming and nurturing. The excel at bringing out the best in others, and warmly supporting them. They want responding affirmation from their relationships, although they have a problem asking for it. When a situation calls for it, the ENFJ will become very sharp and critical. After having made their point, they will return to their natural, warm selves. They may have a tendency to "smother" their loved ones, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and caring natures.

ENFJ Strengths

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

Good verbal communication skills
Very perceptive about people's thoughts and motives
Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
Warmly affectionate and affirming
Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
Good money skills
Able to "move on" after a love relationship has failed (although they blame themselves)
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Strive for "win-win" situations
Driven to meet other's needs



ENFJ Weaknesses

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationships issues:

Tendency to be smothering and over-protective
Tendency to be controling and/or manipulative
Don't pay enough attention to their own needs
Tend to be critical of opinions and attitudes which don't match their own
Sometimes unaware of social appropriateness or protocol
Extremely sensitive to conflict, with a tendency to sweep things under the rug as an avoidance tactic
Tendency to blame themselves when things go wrong, and not give themselves credit when things go right
Their sharply defined value systems make them unbending in some areas
They may be so attuned to what is socially accepted or expected that they're unable to assess whether something is "right" or "wrong" outside of what their social circle expects.


ENFJs as Lovers

ENFJs make warm, committed lovers who are willing to go to great lengths for the sake of "The Relationship". They're totally dedicated to the relationship, and to their partner, and have a special skill for warmth and affirmation which brings out the best in their mates. They take their commitments seriously, and are likely to put forth a lot of effort into making a relationship work once they have commited themselves to it. In the event that a relationship fails, the ENFJ will feel a lot of guilt, and take on blame for the failure, but they will move on with their lives with relative ease, without looking backwards.

Since relationships are central to the ENFJ's life, they will be very "hands on" and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they're doing, what they're feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

Sexually, the ENFJ looks forward to intimacy as an opportunity to express love and caring. The ENFJ is generally very interested in the happiness and satisfaction of their partner. Because they achieve much of their personal satisfaction from making others happy, they're likely to be skilled lovers. Like other Judgers, the ENFJ is likely to follow a schedule for intimacy, and may be prone to becoming routinized. For the ENFJ, the most important aspect of a sexual encounter is the affirmation of love and affection.

Although the ENFJ will probably not ask for it, they need to be given sweet words and loving affirmation. Since they are so externally focused on serving people, they do not always pay attention to their own needs. Since much of their personal satisfaction comes from bringing happiness to others, they're able to ignore their own needs and still be happy much more easily than other types. However, if they focus entirely on giving without doing some taking, they may find themselves in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. They need to work on being aware of their needs, and being OK with verbalizing those needs to their partners.

A problem area for ENFJs in relationships is their very serious dislike of conflict. ENFJs will prefer to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also likely to "give in" easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFJ needs to realize that the world will not end if there is a disagreement, and that dealing with things immediately initiates closure. Ignoring issues will not make them go away.

In general, the ENFJ is intensely and enthusiastically involved in their personal relationships. They bring fun and warmth into the equation, and are willing to work hard to make things work.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFJ's natural partner is the INFP, or the ISFP. ENFJ's dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling. An ENFJ and INFP are ideally matched, because they share the Intuitive way of looking at the world, but the ENFJ and ISFP are also a very good match. How did we arrive at this?


ENFJs as Parents

ENFJs take their parenting role very seriously. They consider the task of passing on values and goals to their children as paramount, and will strive to consistently be a good role model to their children. The ENFJ considers it their responsibility to make sure that their children turn out well. This characteristic, combined with the ENFJ's definite values and ideas about the way things should be, usually results in the ENFJ parent being rather strict, and having high expectations for the behavior of their children. On the other hand, the ENFJ is also warm and affectionate with their children, and very supportive and affirming. The ENFJ can also be counted on to take care of day-to-day necessities for their children.

It is not usually easy to be the child of an ENFJ. The ENFJ's life focus is centered in the sphere of relationships. They take their relationship roles very seriously. They are very "hands-on" in relationships, always monitoring it's progress. This behavior may be smothering to some individuals. ENFJs have very definite value systems, and well-defined ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Since they believe that part of their parental role involves passing their values and ideas to their children, and since they are so concerned and involved with their children, the ENFJ has a tendency to be a strict, controling parent, who is very aware of their children's actions. The ENFJ needs to remember to allow their children the room for growth which is necessary if they are to evolve into healthy, well-adjusted adults. With a bit of effort, it will be possible for the ENFJ to balance their need to pass their values and ideals down to their children with their children's need to develop as individuals.

The ENFJ will put forth a good amount of effort to make their children's home environment warm, comforting and cheerful. They will be ready with a kiss and a baid-aid for any hurt. Their normal attitude towards their children will be loyal, proud, warm, and affirming.

As is the case with most types, ENFJ parents may have problems with their children as they reach puberty. Their children will need more space at that age, and will begin to resent the over-protective tendencies of the ENFJ. This problem will be magnified in situations where the ENFJ is very manipulative. Since ENFJs are gifted with exceptional people skills and personal presence, some ENFJ individuals who are not supported by life's circumstances get into the habit of using these skills for personal gain to get what they want or need out of situations. As they grow older, their children will inevitably see the manipulative tendencies for what they are, and will begin to question their parents' value systems, and strongly resent being forced to comply with a set of values which may be somewhat hippocritical. The manipulative ENFJ, who still has strongly-held values which they are driven to pass to their children, may then find themselves "a day late and a dollar short". As an ENFJ, your best bet is to be aware of your type's manipulative tendancies and to make every effort that you are not using them in a negative way.

Usually, the ENFJ has nothing but the best intentions with regards to their children. They are remembered by their children as very warm and supportive (although strict), and are valued for passing on their goals and ideals.



ENFJs as Friends

ENFJs are warm, sociable people who are keenly in tune with other people's feelings and perspectives. They enjoy supporting and bringing out the best in others. They are energetic and fun to be with. They seek authenticity in their close relationships, and are very sensitive to the needs of others. All of these characteristics make the ENFJ valued by their peers as a warm, supportive and giving friend.

ENFJs are interested in all sorts of people, and are likely to be able to understand and relate to all of the personality types. The will excel at getting along with all sorts of people when the situation demands that they do so. However, they will not choose to spend their personal time around all of the types. They may resist spending a lot of time with Sensing Perceiving types, whose carefree "live for the moment" attitude may conflict with the ENFJ's strongly held value system. When seeking companionship that is not romantic, ENFJs will be drawn to other Feelers who have similar values and ideas. Since they live in a people-oriented world, they are not comfortable with objective judgments which do not consider people issues. Consequently, ENFJs are not likely to have close friendships with strong Thinking types. They will be likely to especially enjoy the company of other iNtuitive Feelers, as well as Sensing Judgers.

02/09 . Turning desparate

How do I fight pangs of jealousy?

Whenever I see all the messages, cute and flirty, witty joyous funny in all his friend's sites, I see the comparison to my own deserted desolate ground. The person whose presence I wanted most is the most scarce. And even when he visits, he leaves only the mildest of comments. Not sure why he still puts up the pic of him & her in Paris too, did he do that to please & appease her? What if I make a fuss too? What will he do to please me? Wouldn't that be exhausting? He made sure I don't create waves, yet he had no idea the kinds of waves created within me by his pure insensitivity towards me when he is pleasing others and proving things to Hani. Is that what he meant by love for me? Wasn't he supposed to shield me from pain too? I feel like closing and wrapping up everything, because it has become a source of pain, and not joy. I feel I should not have the need to attract him over to "my side", or to put up things so he can "come over and comment". I think the security of love should not come from the results of who gets the most visits or comments or attention.

I admit defeat.

After tomorrow, I think.. I will run away from it all.

I guess, I want to talk to him and have time with him tomorrow because I still value and cherish the love we share, and yes, let me at least have an anniversary. Yes, it's so drama, but I guess it will make this friendship, this closer than closest friend relationship count. But ET will be here the whole afternoon, i've forgotten about that. I can only hope he'll make time for me early in my sunday morning so i can see him for the last time perhaps. Perhaps he'll turn on the webcam just to allow me to see him. I have a feeling he will not agree to it. Sigh...

I'm sorry my darling... I have promised to be there forever, but I am dying every minute within. I need promises, I need words from you, but you are so far away, beyond my reach.

Are you still reaching out to me? Why can't I see your hand anymore? The hand that had held me so tightly when we're walking together..

And I know you have not come to visit this blog, because you still have no idea what I was going through. And I know you probably have not read all my emails, because of the questions you ask me. But I don't blame you, you have problems using Googlemail so I guess you could not tell if you have a new unread mail. But if my words are precious to you, probably you could have re visited every recent mail just to make sure you've not miss out on anything. And if you really do care so much, you'd probably come read what I've gone through once you can have the PC to yourself, because... I am the first thing on your mind. But it does seem to me that flirting over at Sue's and Hani's blogs and 360 and Friendster is where you'd spend your precious online hours at.

Perhaps my problem is, there is no more fun and cheer for me to offer you. It's all tears and intensity of dark emotions and it is driving you far away. Though you've said no matter how I am you will never run away from me. Perhaps you are not running away from me, but neither are you still running to me, or running after me..... I feel forgotten, I feel left aside... I am the one running to you, still running after you.

I hate it so much that I am making you seem like the monster, and I hate it that all you could say is sorry. I hate it that I am turning into a desparate woman and full of negative emotions.. needy, insecure, jealous, on the verge of breakdown, dependent, crying, emotional wreck, unstable, self centered.

I wish for a hero that could come and save me now.

When the truth about Phil happened and I should be despondent, you came along and saved me. But now, who will be my hero?

Perhaps getting out of my room and watching TV will help.
Perhaps, I'll just get back into bed and escape

...

Heyyyyyyyy!! YIPPY!! Just got a text from him!
He'll meet me for a chat at 11pm!! I hope I'll be able to provide a cheerful chat instead so that he'll enjoy my company again. And now, I'll find some distractions for the next 5 hours. Perhaps go for a walk with mum, get some fresh air, then shower, then dinner, then wait....
Sighhhhhhhh.... and my neck problem is getting worse.

02/09 . Fight with depression

Sigh... so many thoughts today...

Sucidal ones..
Depressed ones..
Hopelessness...
OMG!!!!!

I know I'm in depression. It is obvious. hahahaha.. OK, I know whenever I write, my humour and wit will still leave its marks and making this a lighter read.. what to do, it's a part of my personality, its my sense of humour that keeps me sane (.. or insane, bwahahahaha..).. and I bet that is also one reason why he loved me. :)

Then there are also the nice thoughts...

Tomorrow.. our 1 month anniversay of first date, first kiss, first hug, first intimate moments though no sex. Sigh... i'm still a V... (=~.~=) and how I wish ... heeheeeheee.. bad idea.
And maybe to start just a new blog to put up the nice things I shared with him... like a memory lane. Yes, short but sweet. Just less than 1 month. So sad. And others can proudly display the lovey couple pics, while I have to only secretly view mine under covers. These are actually the first real couple pictures I've ever taken with a man I love...
Will he cherish and appreciate it? But I think, perhaps I'll just leave it as a post here... or maybe both. Just in case we never contact again, at least he still have it for his memory - but OH, judging by what I know so far, he will probably lost the link and can't find it again. hehehe.. so him. I love him for that, you know. I love him for so many things, he is so endearing in his own ways. I wish he knew he don't need to be super macho and super capable or be a super hero to win my heart... even in his little weaknesses and failings I find something to love. Awwwww..... why I am crying again?

Dad and mum are worried about me today I could tell. I didn't step out of my room till 4pm, with swollen eyes. I didnt' eat a thing.. and they could tell I was holding something in. OK not my fart. hahahahaa that will be impossible!!! So it was tough to act normal in front of them and say no wah, i'm just having a bad neck... had not slept well whole week... blah blah blah...
I laid in bed awake since morning... just didn't want to move... having one horrible thought after another.. and I can almost visualise the demon of depression like a dark shadow hovering over me and whispering all kinds of doubts fears doom hopelessness into my mind, and I'm like a sponge helplessly soaking it all in. Where is the strength to resist it? Where is the faith and hope?

Will I ever fall in love again with another man?
Or will I just settle for anyone, because I have given up hope... just go for anyone decent who'll take me. I ain't worth fighting for anyway, I ain't worth trying for, ain't worth making sacrifices for... (now, viv.. you know that's not true - you're worth dying for, and Jesus did that for you. sobsob... yes I am worthy. I AM WORTHY!!!!!!!!!)

And if I really did fall in love again.....
Will he be kind and considerate? (...just like him? my cupcake...)
Will he be sweet and attentive? (....just like Sweetness?)
Will he be witty and funny?
Will he be tall and handsome? (... my sexy muffin...)
Will he be a great person to talk to, who listens well?
Will he be a soulmate, a best friend, a great companion?
Will he be fun and naughty and breathtaking in bed?
Will he be a lover of food and movies and stuff I like too?
Will he be always looking upon me with adoration?
Will he love every part of my body, my being, me?
Will he make time for me? Will he miss me badly each time?
Will he make me feel I'm the most special woman to him in the whole wide world?
Will he tell me that I'm the only picture in colour when the rest of the world is in black and white?
Will he still love me in my failings, my imperfections, my quirks & peeves, my temperaments, my idiosyncracies, my ugliness, my bad?
Will I be attracted to him, admire him, respect him, love him deeply with all my heart?

Does such a man still exist? Well I found one.. his name is Cupcake, Sweetness, Sexy Muffin, PlayBitch.... my soulmate. How do I let it go? It will kill me.

If love is selfish, I will use despicable methods to attain him. But unfortunately, when you love someone, you let them free. His happiness will be above yours.

And right now, why do I wanna destroy his world by pressing for more? It would be selfish of me. Right now, he is able to have his little paradise outside of the trapped situation with Maria and kids.. his paradise of having a low maintenance love/friendship/relationship with Hani, maybe Marce.. his source of joy and comfort and fun. These are things that keep him happy and sane. Though I believe meeting me rock it all up, shake it all up. I am Real. Not fantasy. He can keep everything and still keep Hani because she's a trapped woman herself. So the common ground is the internet where they can meet and touch each other's life with love, care, humour, chats, calls.. etc.. It's real, yet in a way, it cuts off all the sharp corners -- the reality of living together and sharing live's ups and downs and burdens and responsibilities.

To love me might mean giving it up. It means the possibility of marrying and living a joined life. To do that it means change. What about the current partner? what about the children? What about the livelihood? I see the possibilities, it will be tough, but I see the possibilities. Because I am naive. hehehehehehe Well, I guess sometimes I see in straight line, sigh, and this must have frustrate the hell out of people who have real problems in life.

OK, anyway, I know this :
I AM TRAPPED TOO.
I love him too much to give it up, and I still get all delighted to get his sms each time. And having the chance to chat just brighten my day. But once I dont' have his presence.. I go into misery..
So I need to manage this misery. Wah it sounds so bloody complicated!

I guess the next steps is to...
Get to know new guys & be open to their advances
Increase distractions - i.e. Gym, work, meet friends, etc.
Continue to fight the negative destructive depressing thoughts.

After all, i do know that he loves me, and he has tried to love me in the best way humanly possible for him. That's why I love him truly, deeply, madly. Hahaha sounds like the song eh?
And I felt so much better now. I can smile.

02/09 . You're still the one

I think for the first time in my life I felt sorry for myself when another tells me happily about her upcoming wedding.

A gal named Cindy whom i chatted briefly with early this year suddenly caught me online today on YM and chatted to me. Sharing a chinese love song that she's now learning to sing. Now I get it, hahaha.. she's gonna sing it for her wedding!!! I'm so daft!!! She even forwarded the link to the lyrics and I could see its a duet and it's stitled "So Beautiful"... with words in red saying "today you are marrying me" and "as I hold your hand, I give my whole life to you"..

Sob..sob...sob...

Then she happily show me her blog (because she wanna show me her pictures but it wouldn't load in YM), and that's when I realised she's getting married.. bcos she's displaying the photoshoots for her wedding album.

For the first time in my life, I felt so sorry for myself... hahahaa.. I mean, I am really happy for her, and in fact, I wish her that may all the dreams she had weaved together with her fiance come true. And tears well up my eyes.

I guess, I do treasure my experiences now. It had made me a richer person, and I am not sending her empty wishes that sounds nice. I know what I am talking about. I wished the same for myself.

I look forward to the day I could sing this song by Shania Twain to him on our wedding... (yes, my dream) :

"You're Still The One"

(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night


Yes Cupcake, you're still the one, do you know that?

O God I feel so depressed....

02/09 . A horrible horrible thought!

OMG!!!

Was actually asleep, but my brain was "working overtime".. and lots of thoughts were passing in my subconscious.. same as in dreaming. I know because I am aware its morning, my eyes are closed, I'm still in the state of sleeping and pulling up my blanket etc.. sigh.....

Going through my mind are things he's been saying to me...

The last bit that goes through.. before I was jolted up from my sleep.. was that he has done his thinking and the conclusion of it is that he and I can never be (highly improble) together because of the situation he is in.

Suddenly it linked back to all those gals he told me about. OMG!!!! I do vaguely remember when I first realised he likes me.. I threw him lots of questions to determine how different is this from Huabs, Marce and Hani and why. He told me.. with Huabs, they thought it was love but came to the conclusion it was the closeness they enjoyed and it is not love, and agreed that they can never be. With Hani, their friendship has grown into love somehow over the years and recent events but also have come to this mutual understanding that they can never be together. BUT, for both counts, it is the women's situations that made it mainly impossible for things to work out, plus they are also from foreign lands. For Huabs, it is her family and religion etc... , for Hani, it is bcos she is married with kids and she will never leave her husband. I guess, I failed the ask him what's the difficulty on his side.... sigh.... I had assumed that since he is single and things are not working out with Maria and they both knew it and talked about it, and since what's between me and him is different, there is the element of hope.

I feel sick to the core with this thought that maybe the gals have all been through these considerations with him.. and in the end, he had to tell them that "i can't do it and dont' wait for me" but want them to stay on as his best friends because he never wanna lose them. GOSH!!! It does seem kind of logical now why it is so hard for him to cut them off despite all the bitching fighting yelling screaming of these woman (oh but it does seem to control him, the screaming yelling part, because he craves peace... peace.... peace........wish I'm also the screaming yelling type then maybe bcos of me he would have done more, bwahahahaha...).

Oh I must digress, it seems that usually it is those who don't complain that suffers. In the consumer market, the customers that makes the most noise gets the best service.. while those who are more quiet and tolerant suffer. Well you can say its their own fault, they have the right to complain too, but there are just people like that... serve them bad food and give them lousy attitude and they just accept it or walk off never come back to this outlet again. And sometimes in a workplace, the employees who complained gets benefits given to them to shut them up or make them stay. While those who are more accepting goes neglected. I think I do feel neglected in my needs as compared to all those women's shouting yelling crying screaming and stomping of feets. Yet I do know that he love me because he know he will potentially never be in such a fight with me. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh............. I'm just glad we're not 3 wives in the same household. I think I'd be the one asked to tolerate and lay low and don't make waves and give way to the 1st and 2nd wife. hehehe... o dear.

but yet...

But yet, in my earlier discussions with him, he did tell me that no one has ever made him consider leaving his country for. And no one has ever made him consider or doubted the certainty of his relationship with Hani. BUT ME. And what I thought was them "loving each other to a point they exchange rings and vows though they can't be legitimately together" turns out to be only Hani's side of the story. And so... after I have gotten assured of his love... together we start to build a dream - OUR dream to be together... that though now he's stuck and can't promise me anything but he will sort things out with Hani, and Maria and kids, in the meanwhile I should not let opportunities pass me by if any, and if down the road, maybe 2 years if he is able to settle Maria and kids... he wanna be in Singapore to be with me. But now, after the considerations, he's sure he could never walk out on Maria and kids, and with Hani... he no longer say he will sort it out anymore, just telling me its shakier than ever, so I guess I'm left to assume that it's something that will disintegrate eventually. Anyway.. sadly to say, he has no more obligation towards me if we no longer share a dream. And he will continue to chat with her call her text her and maintain what's left of the relationship (don't rock the boat, and viv dont' make waves please~) so he can still have all the fun over at the blogs, enjoying the benefits of staying in friendship with her. I should just stay around to be his soulmate and best friends.

I wonder, what kind of love does he have for me? What does it mean when he say he love me more? For a man who is able to express himself so well in all those comments columns, it seem so vague. Is it just a feeling? Or does he just need to have woman around in his life who can't live without him? I know I have come to this condition. I cannot tolerate the thought that I'm now an extra pillow on the bed to give extra comfort. Probably the recent most favourite pillow that he will never wanna lose or throw away.. but on the bed.. the old pillows remain...

One old bolster (maria) which will stay no matter what, can't throw out due to history and sentimental reasons... One old pillow (huabs) was taken by one of his former best friend (Chris) and while he took it the pillow ripped apart. Another (marce) was thrown off the bed but that one doesnt really matter, it was used for fun, not for comfort plus bed was getting too crowdy. One last old pillow (hani) is now ripping at the seams because some others might have been using it and it might be a goner soon. So now... the latest newest freshest pillow (me) he had never have before... is the most precious .. and better not lose it because that means he will have to stick to the old bolster and the old ripping pillow that others have shared. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA OMG!!!! How did I ever come up with such a story???? It's kind of self destructive. I'm not giving myself any credit at all!! Oh gosh I am really so negative. Sigh... I was in cloud nine thinking I'm so cherished and treasured and feeling so secured and free, especially when I'm in London. Precious moments they are.. when we are in each other's embraced, moulding into each other. He felt so good so good so good.

Sigh... you know what?
Women are stupid.... correction.. .sometimes we willingly stay stupid. And because of love, we are willing to be blind too. Love is blind.
So for me right now.. all I want is to believe he truly loves me.. all I want to hear are his assurances.. all I want is still his love and undivided attention, and all I repeat in my mind are his words that say... "ying, I love you more... never forget that." No, I can't forget that. I take everything you say to me as choice morsels and I do seem to live on every word you say.. so how do I forget that you love me? Yet, it does seem like an illusion that I am holding on to.

Ok at least I have addressed a nagging thought. I should try to go back to bed now, if I can still sleep. I think he will be horrified by this horrible horrible thought and story i had come up with. *guffaws~!!!!* And he'll rightly call me .. "You silly rabit" and give me a knuckle on the head.

Sigh, why can't we be together? Why can't the good things last?

02/09 . Storm over but darkness still looms

Sighhhhhh.....

At midnight I finally was able to chat with him again.. tears kept flowing at intervals, it hurts so much to love him, and it melts my heart each time when he said he loves me. There is always such sincerity, that it is impossible to doubt, impossible to be cynical, impossible to resist. Or am I just a sucker? Then so be it, then let me live my whole life believing it.

And I was glad, he said he forgives me. And he was really sweet about it, though he didn't know the reason why i needed so much to hear him say it, he did.. and it brought healing to my soul. My tears flow and I sobbed at my table.

But, he ask me to forgive him for breaking my dreams. What does that mean? Does that mean forever? Should I still hold on to what was once ours, does it mean he has given up and let go...., and so now its just me alone holding on to the other end of the rope?

He laughed when I said I'll marry him at 45, ten years later. I think he didn't take me seriously. I felt foolish now, for throwing myself at him despite him declaring so many times that he's sorry he will not be able to continue the dream.

I think....
I will eventually let go...
Without fuel, the fire will die... but I fear, my heart will die together with it.

I will and can always be a best friend to him, but i will probably have to hide if things become too painful to bear. I don't know how yet, but I guess it may not be as difficult too. Our chat went fine and I miss him badly. i do think we can continue to contact.. i want to.. i can't let it go. But.. I only fear, the time will come again that I want more. Right now, I feel.. beggers can't be choosers. I felt I'm at his mercy, and eating the crumbs that fell from the table. Hahaha look at me, I'm playing the victim, Shhhhhheeeesh! Snap out of it , Viv! OMG!!! GEEEZ.

OK OK, let me see.. what's the positive side of things.
Hmmm.....

Now, he said he still loves me. And I still believe him.
So, its' business as usual isn't it?
The only difference is, there will not be any working towards the future from his part.
So.... I should not have any expectations...
I do think that I want him to make me feel I have priority, but so far, it has not been his style. But I think, I can manage with whatever time he can give me.
I don't know what kind of love this is.. i can only say, it's the tough kind.

OK, another positive side...
we still have good memories, and we can still have fun.
But...
I don't know.. I've seen the blogs over at hani's, sue's, phil's, paul's... and they are all now one happy family having lots of fun. I winced ... and guess I should not visit again. I don't want to know how much fun they're having without me.. sigh.. I feel so petty and small as a person. And worse of all, i felt so envious, because I'd really like to join in but I know I won't be welcome. I'd be ignored or treated like Clay. And bcos I fear to really be my free spirited goofy self, I'd sound as lame as Clay on those blogs, hahahaa - maybe i should make him my friend, I know how he feels! DUH.

Anyway, that is all too complicated.
I think its time I get rid of all these cobwebs and slime, and remove myself from these complicated people and their lives, and stop looking into the fun they are having. GET A LIFE, VIV. I think I was trying to see how Paul's life is... its interesting that he had never mention to me the fun he has and what he does during the days, etc etc. sigh..
He was gonna start doing that... but in a way, I think he would probably not do it anymore, afterall he is no longer working towards having a relationship with me. I wonder what role am I playing as his soulmate and best friend? To only be there when he need someone? I really hope he is not going to treat me like a 24 hour convenient store. Because I think that will eventually hurt me...

Sigh, why am I doubting him? I have no idea. I need to have faith in the man.. but I guess I really have nothing to hold on to at all now. It seems the pillars that were once here has collapsed because he no longer wants to go further? I think I have not quite sort out my thoughts on this yet. What is it that I want? Why am I still so unsettled? Yet I am afraid to be so because it will only drive him away ... if i continue to doubt him. I no longer have the faith that he will stay and assure... maybe because he no longer can ..

OK, I said I will think along positive lines, so why am i always heading south with the thoughts. URGGGGGHHH..

But what I think I need to do is :
Don't go to Hani's profile or blogs again -- get a life, dont' become like her!!!
Don't go to Sue's profile or blogs again either -- bcos i think she's fun, and i'll feel sorry i can't join in...
Don't go to any of their blogs again also because -- it pricks me (jealousy) to see paul's presence there more than he is over at mine, that he's having so much fun being so cute, when I have nothing fun to offer him at all... sigh... and yes, i'm disgusted at myself, I'm behaving like a bloody concubine jealous of the king going to another concubine's to spend the night! LOL!!!!

Well, but at least I recognise those feelings and thoughts..
I guess i am still in love with him, and I am possessive over him.
I am not ready to share him with people, yet of course I don't mean stifling him.
I guess the problem lies with.. I don't get enough of him and so i get red eyes seeing other's having a part of him. And I wonder.. did they truly treasure and cherish every morsel of him? I know I do. To the point that it hurts beyond words or tears.

I know I can't use the phrase "love as strong as death".. but I know I'm not far from it. And I do wonder, if he really think his love for me exceeds mine. I don't see the proof of it, so I win. hahaha. Ok not funny.

I wonder why he said he is not worthy of my love? He said he is not worthy because he can't give me what I want from him. But I think, love isn't always about giving and taking. Love is a choice, a decision. To love the person including his imperfections and weakness and shortcomings, because .. what you love at the same time is his strength and beauty and whatever virtues and qualities and person that he is. It reached a point that it is unconditional. Ohhh, haha I know I have not arrived at "unconditional" yet, because I am still struggling with possessiveness, jealousy, committment, insecurity. Sigh... Well, i never said I'm perfect.

OK, time to sleep. I'm spewing things I might regret saying. And really i donno WTF i am talking about. But I know I am still in confusion, so all manner of thoughts and emotions are still running wild. I have only abt few hours of disturbed sleep each night this week, and my poor neck can nolonger hold my head upright. My heart has worked overtime in aching ... and tear glands are worn out.

My soul was comforted greatly by his words earlier.. and I feel, I could breathe again..
I could feel his love again...
If only he can be here to hold me tight, sob..sob...sob...