Chivas is good for Tweetie's soul

Just can't contain the misery I felt within my soul anymore...

Today has been a tearful day at the office - mine, of course, in silence.. grateful for the privacy of my own office. Sigh, soon this priviledge would be gone. But I'll be moving on to something better, I hope. Heartaches for the money flew away due to my stubborn stupidity & blindness as well as the pain of being manipulated and taken advantage of by a loser really got to me. For once, after such a long while, I thought I've finally met someone wonderful who seemed to have most of the right values and intentions, who liked me for who I am and liking me for the same reasons I love myself for. It's so hard to accept that its all an act and a means to deceive the old single ladies desperate for true love who have some spending power (Grrrr... ok, I'm exaggerating, I don't belong to that category, I'm irresistibly wonderful and adorable, as much as durian attracts flies and those who really appreciates durian.)

Had a fight with boss too, during discussions over the recruitment of a new lady to replace me due to something I said. But, my fights with him are always like "man to man" - no hard feelings on his side, just bruises on mine and I'll had to take some 20mins alone to sizzle & fume, then cry angry tears with clenched fists and dialated nostrials, then absolutely swear &%$#@ that he shan't expect any more of my loyalty and support no more (you fff.. fff.. FAT bbb..bb...bbbastard!!!!!!!), and yet -- next moment we were talking again like old friends, as though nothing had happened. All forgotten. Blehhhh... What's wrong with me? -_-"

Menses came today - as expected, so this explained part of the absolutely overwhelming melancholy I felt within my soul. I'm seldom miserable when menses are due.. I don't usually have the much dreaded PMS kinda manifestations some women have - but when I am going through an emotional rough patch or difficult period, I do feel it more and find it hard to fight off the negative emotions... just find myself unable to arise, to stand, to pull myself together.

Have just walked to the pantry to get me a little cup and 3 cubes of ice. Poured myself a shot (or 2 shots? Ok, one-inch high) of the Chivas Regal Whiskey displayed on my office cabinet to drink... hopefully it would cheer me up a little and bring some sweet rosiness to my puffy cheeks. Sighhhhh~.....

LOL~!!! Currently, on my side cabinet is displayed : A 3/4 full bottle of Chivas Regal (took back from K-box after a KTV session after a company dinner event in end-Jan), a 1Litre bottle of Macallan Elegancia Single Malt Scotch Whiskey (my birthday gift from Charlie, my boss last November), and a bottle of New Zealand Marlborough's Dog Point Vineyard 2006 Sauvignon Blanc (bought it about 6mths back), a bottle of sweet spanish Moscatel,(yummmmy~!! I love sweeeeet dessert wine!) a mini Eiffel Tower Cognac V. S. (I bought during my trip to Paris last August with Sheela) and a mini bottle of Ben Nevis Blended Scotch Whiskey (which I received as a welcome gift during the meeting in Scotland).

HEY!!!!! Let me take a pic and show you!!!
See?


side cabinet in tweetie's office - love the drunk doggie? haw haw haw....


Hahaha.. GOSH!! You know what???? whilst doing the pic (uh.. well, I took the time to arrange the bottles up nicely, reshuffled some stuff on the side cabinet for the sake of this photo-shoot), I'm actually fully distracted from my stinking misery and got into an amused mode, hahahaha!!!

Oh gee... I really really did start typing this post with tears streaming from my eyes down my cheeks (yes, drama..) out of pure misery that needed to be poured out in words!

Sigh~, Tweetie never change, does she? She's like a child so easily pacified, isn't she? wahahahhaha!!! I find myself sooooo adorable, wahahhahaa!!!! Maybe its also because I've gulped down my 2 mouthfuls of Chivas... hmm... I'm really cheered up! Geez, can't believe it. I'm really really so tickled. *giggle giggle giggle!*

Hmmm.....So..., should I still carry on this post? It was supposed to be another one of those sob-sob post accompanied by the soulful heart-wrenching Er-Hu music as I drown in self pity and whine like a victim. DUH.

Another time, maybe.

Somehow, I've snapped out of the moment. *guffaws~*

I definitely have lots of thoughts regarding what happened.

In fact, I laid awake in bed this morning just thinking of all the plots to seize back the S$700 camera gift I bought him. I struggled with the moral of taking back what you gave someone willingly and struggled with forgiving him and letting it go, taking it as a lesson - As a friend put it, it's quite cheap to learn it by paying less than S$1K. I also chided myself non-stop on how I could be so generous or kind or weak or plain stupid when I don't even spend such a formidable sum on myself, and who am I to call myself a Victim? I'm a self-made Victim! Yes, stabbing myself till I bleed to death.... Yet, I feel confused. Were there truth in what he said? What if I wronged him? What if I misunderstood him? NO, can't be. And I have no respect for a man like that. He pocketed the money and dare to tell me "honey you're sooo sweeeeeeeeeeeet... no one has ever been so good to me, not even my ex-gf!". I am so fucking stupid!!!! ARRRgggghhhh~!!! Even paid for his petrol!! Even top up his cash card!! Loser!!!! I deserved to be hung by my chest hair!!! (oh, I dont have chest hair, though.) OK, how about nipples. Hung by my nipples. (ouch!)

*deep sigh* ...

I feel absolutely, absolutely, lousy and miserable to the core.....

(=_=) .......

(-_-) .....

(~.~) ...

(^.^) ... Hmm... yes! Happy thoughts!! Positive thoughts! Uplifting thoughts!


Well, OK. I screwed up again (so soon).
But -- I am thankful, very very thankful, to have my close and beautiful friends near - who are encouraging and comforting and assuring and understanding....

Thank you Twinkle Star (my bestest friend), Hybridfighter (my cool & stylo new pal, what a privilege!), GoodDay (ok he doesn't know about this blog, but he's a supportive friend - KT, the one who told me that I actually aint' so sweet and caring as he thought, haha!! - But I think he's wrong, I can be absolutely sweet and caring, just not for anybody, -- especially not for guys whom I do not desire and whom I would never want to send wrong signals towards!!),

Sigh, but really, my final most miserable thoughts before jumping up from my desk earlier on to pour myself some whiskey and planning to cry tears of river while blogging was :
That thus far, I can't remember a man I've dated/met who have given to me, intead, only those who have taken from me or robbed me of what's precious! Sigh..... How I wish for a (desirable) man who would shower me with blessings.... and let me experience the wonderful bliss of being cherished and loved and protected and provided for. To feel like the "little woman", just melt and fall into the safety of his loving and assuring arms. . . . . sobsob.. I know this is just a fantasy, not realistic. Yet I am also not looking for a man to totally depend on, or make a slave of, make a victim out of, or to control, to possess. I just long for a special someone to share my life with, to belong with... and of course ... to have sweet (and exciting) intimacy with, heh heh.. :P

And yes, the words of my dear friend continues to echo in my ears (and replay before my eyes) : "Don't give up on yourself, Viv"!!

Yes, I will not give up on me.
I MUST NOT GIVE UP ON ME!

Keep breathing... keep breathing...
Keep living one minute to another, one hour to another ... one day to another...
And I will move on.

There are many other things in my life to celebrate about!
I've just been up the Singapore Flyer, I've had high tea on Sunday with buddies, I've bought a nice cheap dress that made me look wonderful!, I've cute nephews that adored me, I've got fantastic colleagues and pals from work (Princess Carol & Michelle, and even Jessica today who caught me crying and came into my office to asked me if I'm ok.. I'm so touched. *sniff-sniff*), and I've still got at least 30 years to live (if I live responsibly and take some extra care, heh heh..)

I am absolutely a treasure, a precious jewel, worthy and deserving of a wonderful man!
I'm growing and learning from all of these nasty experiences, yes, I must not be the one who stab myself to death. I must be the kindest and most loving toward myself. I must encourage myself. I must be my own cheerleader, I must forgive me for the mistakes and stupidity and foolishness and failures. It takes courage to be who I am. I should be proud that I've not gone mental (uh, am I qualified to say that I'm not mad ah? hahahaha..) and I'm still the same wonderful person who wears her heart out on her sleeve!!!!!

Sigh...
May my prince come soon... Prince O Prince of Tweetie, where art thou?
(Grrrrr~ better not take too long or else I'll give you a big tight slap followed by shrieking "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???!!! HUH!!! HUH!!!?? *piak-piak!!*)

LOL~.. darling, come lah, Tweetie wont hurt you. Tweetie sayang you already can't wait. hahahahaha.... drunk liao.

And now, more Chivas for the cup please.

(and, still got work to do aiyoyo..., and tomorrow morning got job interview to go!!!!!!! Wish me all the best!!!)

Oh yes, I forgot to mention ....
At 2pm (about 35mins after the "fight" with my boss), I finally took a break from crying and got out of my office looking like goldfish eyes and went toilet. Then I went to the pantry and made some Korean noodles to eat for lunch. Boss came in and drooled into my noodles! heh heh, no lah... but he also had not have lunch. I offered to help him cook - seeing that he wanted to make Korean noodles too, upon drooling over mine, but then he changed his mind and went to get lunch from the kopitiam. About 4pm+ he came into my office. Paused. Looked at the pictues on my pinboard. Then said, "Bye.. I'm leaving." So I said, OMG you got retrenched too?! hehehehhehe...~.~. He gave me a dirt cheap look, and said No, need to go off early. (duh, I'm just pulling his leg).

Anyway, he paused, and then mumbled.. "Mmmm.. looks like we'll become buddies after all...." (well, Boss always draws a line between business and personal. He ever said, only when we're not in a professional working relationship, can we be "friends". Otherwise, no crossing the line. That's a challenge for me, because I don't draw lines with people. And sometimes, I get his stinking fart in my face because I failed to observe protocol with him. He's the boss, you don't talk back to him. I do. Because I speak before I think.). Anyway, he continued to mumbled... "So that means I could take you to the movies next time". Hehehe, so I responded with a "Yayyyyyyyyyy~!!!! Can't wait!!!! Yipppy~!!!!" and he left looking amused. hahahahahaa!!!

Nah, its not what you think. There's no romance brewing. I've ever enthusiastically told him we could be movie buddies - and he's alone without family in Singapore he can always accept my family's invitation to join us for Chinese New Year dinners etc as a family friend etc. However, he had lots of reservations and said it would not be right because we're Boss & Slave, and its not right and need to draw the line. I'm just proving the point that, we fight, but no hard feelings. I just am glad that I've had a fine boss like him too. I'm a blessed little tweetie. I'm surrounded by nice folks and wonderful friends.

Perhaps, time for me to focus more on being a blessing to another, instead of focusing on my own needs and problems.

OK, better get back to work!!! ^__^

Greater courage for tomorrow

Boss came into my office this morning with a solemn face, and gave me some bad news.

The bad news is..... my job will also have to come under the axe in the next phase of "integration" and restructuring for the Asia organisation, and there is no way he could justify for a Regional HR Manager in the "new" asia organisation... (Geez, when I joined 2yrs ago, we have abt 100 people for whole of AP, with 20+ in the Singapore office. By end of this year, there will only be 25 people in all AP, with just 7 in Singapore!!!!! 75% reduction!)


I can see from his constipated face he has been finding it so hard to give me the news, especially when I'm probably the last person he wanna let go (where to find such a clever slave that is willing to do 3 jobs and juggle all kinds of shit?). However, his boss sitting in Norway wants it done, and he has no choice. 2 weeks ago, before he left for the Chile trip, I had actually sensed that he might be under pressure to axe me - just based on instincts and perhaps, wild imagination and "divine promptings" LOL~!! -

I mean - I've observed that he totally stop strolling into my office randomly just to make small talk or chase me on minor matters or even just rant or grunt about work frustrations like he normally would. Instead, he just stayed in his room, door closed, and avoided contact with me, and no msn from him either. Hmmmm.... I got kinda concerned at this abnormal behaviour, and so, I went to him and asked if he's alright.. having ulcer pain again?.. anything I can help with??... because I've never seen him looking so stressed and troubled since the day he relocated to Singapore to work last August. Avoiding direct eye contact, he just said that he's fine and just too exhausted and stressed because of issues and difficulties in some tough requests from HQ. He sighed heavily.. looked at me and said, "Viv.. its not easy.. its really really not easy.. I hate my job!!!!! Urrrrghhhhhhh~!!!!"

Anyway, while boss gave me the bad news and explained his futile effort to fight for me to stay, I took the news calmly and quietly with a brave smile, though emotions were already rising from within me. Glad I was able to suppress it and chose to be cool. (wow, i impressed myself leh, hahahahha~!! Since when is tweetie so cool, hahaha!! Oh but perhaps its because I have been bracing myself for this day for one whole year.) SIGHHHHHHHH.....

The news did still caught me off guard. I was totally not prepared that I have to leave so soon... by end-June. That is just 10 weeks away! It's just hard to accept it as reality. It doesn't help that I'm the only one to go for this round (from Singapore office). In the next week or so, I'll need to come up with a summary of my core duties as well as what I anticipate to be necessary in my role to do in different parts of the year, what can be totally eliminated and what can be pass on and redelegated to those who remain. We need to find a way to justify for perhaps, an Admin Exec to replace me so that Boss can still have an extra hand. We are already so lean.... sigh~! Then.. if approved, to start recruitment and get the new girl in by mid May and commence my handing over. In June, she should be on track and I will just be around on consultative role, and focus on job search. Then, perhaps plan my farewell party, LOL! And in July... hopefully I would land a new job, and commence work in August!

As for redundancy payment, its not gonna be much. I've just joined the company 2yrs ago on 27th March 2006. Hence, at most, 2.5mths pay for service years and 1 mth for notice pay. I would also be paid pro-rated AWS, 0.5mths, and some outstanding annual leave. So, about 4 month's salary. If I do get a job to start in August, and paying not too much lower than my present job, then I won't be in a crisis situation.

Haiz~ This twist of life also threw me off my vanity plan for "Project Makeover-Tweetie" during the next few months, hahaha! I was thinking of investing some salary into some beauty treatments that will lighten (or remove) the freckles or pigmentation spots that've been crawling out my face's skin and getting darker.. bigger.. etc. And maybe go whiten my teeth (saw a brochure from Raffles Medical, cost abt S$1,000!! Also, I was having wild ideas like liposuction to get rid of my teddy bear tummy, and throw some money into learning makeup and postures, some money into beauty centers to sculpt & shape & tone (till I have an hour-glass figure or S shape, LOL.. and legs hot enough for super mini skirt!!!! yeyyy!!!!) and reduce/remove cellulite, stretchmarks, sagging skin (if any), and perhaps some natural boost to my medium small boobs. hehehe... Oh well. Gotta shelf the plans. Gotta be sensible.

The big problem and challenge is - I would probably need to take a pay cut of 40% and downgrade in job level. That's because I ain't a Regional HR Manager in full capacity, and my feet has not fully grown into these big shoes (or , boobs have not filled the cup, hahaha!!). Sigh... I had thought I would at least last till next March, and perhaps look at new opportunities after Chinese New Year, and by then, after the AWS and perhaps a small variable bonus, I would have been able to set aside some reasonable savings. Honestly, I'm gonna miss the "status" and the salary. The job title does boost my self esteem and the authority does feel good, haha! And of course, the surplus in salary allows me to live comfortably and indulge in some girly stuff (like spa massage, facial, impulsive purchases of what catches my attention, higher range cosmetics, manicure pedicures.. ), and taxi rides (instead of bus or MRT), and pay for dinner when out with friends without thinking twice. However, I WILL be grateful as long as I can get a job with steady income and good working environment, hopefully good boss etc. -- because... my age is already a disadvantage, perhaps also qualification (I don't have a degree). I'm bracing myself for the worst, and hoping for the best.

Anyway, it's not the end of the world.
I know I am not that stupid and incompetent (just lazy & loves to procrastinate, LOL), all my limbs are working fine (just clumsy), I'm not having any critical illness that render me unsuitable for employment, I'm willing to work hard and eat shit, I am not in debt or any financial commitment, I don't have dependants (both mum and dad still earning their own pocket money - in fact, they are richer than me), I still live with my parents, I still have true friends whom I know I can count on, I still have optimism. I'll be fine. I'm gonna be OK. Perhaps have to live less extravagantly, but I should be able to pay my bills and live humbly, and be happy.

How do I tell my family this news? My dear neurotic mum will worry sick and start nagging on my spendings and maybe blames me and finds all the fault with me (e.g. See laahh must be you go work late la~ haaaaaaiiiiiz, must be you daa-daa dee-dee laa-laa...), and urghhh... all the deep sighing. So I think, to give me some peace to figure things out and face this already difficult situation, I'll drag telling them this news as late as possible, probably in mid-June. I just wonder how long can I keep quiet and be cool.

As I think about the good times, the fun, the partying, the rapport with all my colleagues and my boss... my first office room to myself, the trips to Europe.. Sigh~ my tears just begin to flow. Yes I do feel a little sorry for myself for a moment. And yes, I do fear about not being able to find something good. And yes, I do feel tempted to be depressed. Because it seemed like I'm failing in both work and love. Why can't good things last?

Yet I choose to believe - that sometimes the good must end, in order that the better or best can begin. Don't let the good become the enemy of the "best" that can happen to your life. All the more I must rise in courage - in greater courage, in greater optimism, to smile bravely at the storm, to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, to keep my chin up, to embrace change and the new journey it is taking me, and be strong.

Everything's gonna be alright.
*self hug*


I love this quote :

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


So....
Let life happen.
Live everything.
Live the questions now.
I'm sure, things are gonna be fun, better, interesting!! And who knows - I might be on my way to meet my destiny my Mr Right!! *cool~*

YES!!! I will not crumble!!! Maybe just grumble. LOL~!

Tweetie will be fine~ just... fine.... *brave smile*


(And woooohooooo~!! I have a date tonight with a new guy! That is at least something exciting to look forward to. He seemed like a nice guy but I don't even know how he looks like!!! hahaha... And, uhhh... yes, I did say in my last post that I'm gonna take time out from dating and close the door for a while so I could hide and heal. I still mean it -- It's just that, he wrote to me few weeks ago - a very detailed and sincere letter describing himself well and clear intentions... and I liked what he wrote very much so I responded. It was only yesterday we connected and he asked me out!! hee hee... so... he's the last man of the season I plan to meet. I don't know what to expect, I guess, I am already expecting the worst and just want to get it over and done with??? I guess, I have not given up hope.)

To hide and heal, I will

For the past few days, I have spent a lot of moments in deliberation. Thinking deeply, searching deeply, asking myself what's happening within my soul, what am I feeling? Why do I feel this way? What can I do about it? How do I change the way I think so I can can cope, or keep going through this tunnel? Disappointment, Discouragement, Disheartened, Despair, Dismay, Disgust, Disillusioned.. And I am coping with a certain grieving in my heart. Yes, grieving is the word.

Yet, I know I always manage to get through it. This is nothing compared to the pain I went through during the CupCake times, weeping aloud in my bed, muffing the sound with towel as my heart continue to tear and break. WOW, can't imagine going through that again... but yet, I came through. Sometimes I have to thank God for my absent-mindedness, short-term memory and the talent in getting easily distracted. But, I do think, its my zany sense of humour and the ability to laugh at myself that kept me sane and in good cheer - as well as the adventurous nature that allows me to embrace new hopes and leave the ashes behind.

I guess, this time, I will still need the time I would need to grieve, to come to acceptance, to release it and rest... then recover and embrace the new. I promise to not let myself dwell in this state for too long. I will fight to keep me from sinking. I will be OK. I will be loved. I will find love eventually. But for now, I will seek for it no more. I will need a time out. I will need to hide and heal.

Today a guy friend over msn said to me :

KT - Actually you not the sweet & caring type of gal. Maybe can improve on that.

Me - Haha! Well then, better for me to stay the way I am and you nolonger think that I am the sweet and caring type of girl. Bcos if I'm not, then I am not.

KT - Aiyo......., angry liao har?
Maybe because you've not been in the mood to be sweet and caring ba..

Me - Angry for what? Nah, I don't think it has to do with mood. Sigh~ perhaps I have changed... used to be sweet and caring all the time, perhaps I have become selective to whom I am sweet and caring towards. Hehe, perhaps, my "sweet and caring" is the mood! Not my default nature!!

KT - Dear, don't think too much. Hmmm...... maybe bcos you starting to protect yourself. That's why you changed. You are too trusting and don't see the bad in people, that's why.


Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
Yeah, where had my sweet nature gone? I could only feel angst in my soul. Each time a new guy I got to know or spoke with starts asking me questions like "Are you the open minded / Liberal kind of person?" it just gets my defences up as well as setting off all the alarm bells. I would really want to treat each new person without suspicion that he is a wolf in sheep clothing, yet each time they proved to be one. And a friend told me that I am really a stupid woman to have been so nice to ask them what do they mean and why would they need to know - for questions such as :

"Do you have high sex drive?"
"Do you enjoy sex?"
"What is your height & weight? What's your bra size?"
"Are you into wearing thongs?"
"When was your last relationship? .. then when was the last time you had sex?"
"Don't you have needs? Do you DIY?"

Grrrrrrr....~!!!! NONE OF YOUR BLOOODY BUSINESS!!! &#%$@!!!!!
Tell me how to be sweet and caring when men wanna know these about me the first time we talk? And that's after I've already made it clear that I am NOT interested in flings, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, recreational sex, one night stands etc!!!!!! And they said that no, that's not what they are looking for as well, they are not that kind of guy.

Yet, their questions gave them away.
One even told me that so far, all his past relationships didn't work out because his lovers and girlfriends could not cope with his high sex drive. And lovers = married women. Yet, he is a one woman man. He don't cheat and he is always serious and has feeling for the woman he was with. (And a friend of mine says, yeah hahaha... 1 girl x 1 night x 10,000000 times!!). Sigh... I mean, I'd like to give him the benefit of doubt. But I could already foresee that he is looking for a relationship with sex as the foundation. Not what I want. Bye bye.

Anyway, next time (acutally, maybe not even a "next time") any bastard start asking me "Are you open minded?). I will just say, NO - and good bye. Don't waste anymore time. I am open minded. But that pertains to being open to new ideas and willing to change the way I think, and being able to accept people who are different to the majority. I have no prejudice against anyone's sexual orientation, I always get along with the ah-Qua, the lesbians or maybe gay. (So far, don't know any gay man in my circle of friends, but I know I'll accept him as who he is). Sigh, whatever lah. I'm sick of it. I nolonger find it amusing. In fact, I feel confused. I dont know if I'm just an uptight bitch that needs to loosen up and be more modern and open-minded and just go with the flow (as one of the men suggested) and be cool. I just know that right now I am not ready to take on anymore of these encounters.

Let me rest first, and then regain my self esteem, be clearer in my mind, reinforce or unlearn & relearn the right thoughts that governs my values and decisions.. then let me embrace the hope of meeting a decent man honorable in his intentions that is ready to be committed in a relationship should the two of us found mutual attraction and all the other factors that are important. And yes, a good reminder, it takes courage to not get into a relationship for fear of being lonely/alone - but to hold out for the right one that comes along. No more wasting time on Mr Wrongs.

I will take time to improve myself too. I think I am still limited in my thinking, immature in my emotions, and lacking in appropriate levels of self esteem and confidence.

Yet I still love me.. the person that I am. :-)
I just need time to hide and heal, and tweetie will again chirp and make cheerful melodies in her heart.

And yes! Will be setting some goals to achieve in 2008. Tweetie will look better and feel better in the next 5-8 months! hee hee hee.. .can't wait!!!!!

HAHA!!! That last thought really brought a cheerful smile in my soul and countenance. I will SURVIVE!!! (Everyone should watch Meet the Spartans, hahahahahahah!!!)

Wow its been almost a year!!!

Wow, time flies, and its been almost a year since I last blogged here!!! LOL!!!

And oh my, everyone must still be reading that I had a fight with my mum.. heheheheh, actually, the very afternoon we had the fight, we're already back to talking terms in the next evening (uh... so I discovered, after publishing the last post). It surprised me greatly that mum took it well, in fact, took it like a man. We even laughed about it and boy, it was great to get things off our chest .. I was so afraid that she will go suicidal on me - or pull out the usualy antics of giving cold shoulders or other emotional blackmail & modes of rejection. And things have actually improved since, ... because I made my point, I guess. And throughout the past year, I had guarded my boundaries jealously and tried to prevent her from unconsciously becoming overbearing on me again.

Soooooo much has happened in my life for the past one year. My life has been colorful indeed! I just have not been able to take up blogging again, ... for the good and fun times I was too lazy. Yet for the darker moments... I just find it hard to blog it down, spit it out. Things became too difficult & private to be shared and I was drowning in my own emotions and making sense of whats happening, and not be too devastated for too long. Tweetie always spring back!!!

Sigh... I can only say that I've finally tasted the forbidden fruit.. that was in May 2007. But things didnt work out and was too complicated (phew~ I'm glad!). I've learnt some lessons about being too naive and guillable - and lacks the ability to tell the wolf in sheep clothings. I've met and dated a couple of nice guys, wierd guys, horrible guys and also have been strongly pursued (*cough* KNS~) by a few but none which I felt I could consider. That was 2007 "lovelife".

In 2007, I was mainly busy with work - especially from May.. right after the Asia Integration took place. I have to assist in the retrenchment of a batch of employees and juggle the additional responsibilities and projects left behind by those who had to leave the company. However, I'm glad that I was able to bring my dad along to Europe in October, making it his very first trip there... when I had to attend a meeting in Scotland. He was able to visit the salmon farms and the processing plant with us and see Loch Ness and the Lochness monster, hahaha!!! On our return trip, we stopped by Amsterdam for 2 nights so he could see Netherlands as well. The trip pictures are posted in FaceBook. If you'll like to see them, leave me a comment and I'll get the links to you!

For the 1st quarter of 2008, I was in Belgium for a HR Meeting as well as 2 days of training on a profiling tool. It's likely to be my last trip to Europe on company meeting, I reckon. Things changed so much at work - I had to pack off our final 2 expats (the dutch GM and spanish Regional Finance Director) and have a new young boss who wanted structures and policies to be implemented (oh that project nearly killed me, working till 4-5am for several weeks till I suffered from chronic neck/shoulder pains & strains!!) and there will probably be more changes coming, ... ... sigh...

Oh, I have also been more active getting distracted and wasting time on Facebook (hahaha!!), made some friends who are nice genuine people.

Romance is in my life as well... recently. Tough choices to make and confronted my values, and what do I really want and look for. Sometimes it is really tough to have to say no firmly to a genuine sincere guy who is affectionate and caring and romantic etc (all I might have always hoped for) and yet knowing he's not the one for me. And to make things even tougher for me - I met someone, whom I can't stop thinking of since the 1st time we went out (16th March - a month ago). We dated 3x and there was so much chemistry, fun and connection between us - since the last time we went out (for badminton & dinner) he did not initiate contact again for 2 weeks. Like most women "in love", I went through the anxiety and fear of being rejected, self doubt, and battling with negative thoughts.

We started chatting online again and through the conversations, it was clear to me that he is still "shopping" and have not decided to make any purchases. Also, he is looking but not jumping into anything. He is not into committment and yet he expressed that he does like me. (DUH). He said there were many opportunities during the 3 dates for him to hug/kiss/do more to me but he held back and just behave gentlemanly because he wants things to be rock slow steady cool. If it was 5yrs back he would've jumped into a r'ship with me and make me his. However, he had come to realised that such quick jumpstart type of relationship does not last - more because he is the one who does not last, and end up the lady gets burnt and hurt by it - its sinful and he'll not do it.

But yet, he said he really do not mind having someone to share intimacy with, and he'll rather it be me - a fuck partner. I have to say NO to him.. because having had strong feelings for him, I will not be happy to be just a fuck partner, it will only crush me to powder and render me worthless. I can't do it with no strings attached. Besides, how do I move on and meet a man worthy of my affection, if I maintain such a complicated relationship? I am a one-man woman. My heart and soul and love is not capable of being divided. I guess, that is reflected into my inability to mult-task, hahahahahah!!!!

Anyway, I have rationalised things, and have to manage my emotions. It is hard for me to walk away from it, but pushing it will only make him despise me. I figured that in all his past relationships, it was always the women who tried to seduce, corner, pester him into it (when i pointed it out, he admits it!) - and hence, she was not what he had tried to win. How would he treasure her and cherish her? Not impossible, but its not my stlye to try to get a man's love by forcing my way and convincing him that he should love me and see my worth. Blehhhhhhhhh..... I guess, I am still old fashioned romantic. I prefer a man to see me as a treasure he wanna win and cherish and protect. Sigh...

I think, since I started dating men 2years ago, he is the first one I met and got smittened with. The other guys I developed feelings only after much pursuation, more like reciprocration. That's why its so hard for me to let it go. Anyway, life goes on. I'll ride it through, and hope the dark clouds will move away and let me see the rainbow and sunny blue skies again.

Honestly, I do begin to feel the fear that I'll still be unmarried and single and not belonging with anyone at age 40. Oh my, ... may love come my way soon. In the meanwhile, I must continue to hold my head up high and be courageous.

I know I am not that bad. hehehehehe... maybe losing some fats will help. Some fats = 10kg. (-_-")

Sigh, he said "You're a nice girl la very fun to be with, and very natural - has your own persona and attractive in your own way", but I think just being a "nice girl" is not enough right? I wanna be special in his eyes. Sigh~......... love sick again. Missing him again...