I crashed... today down all the way. Just crushed.. totally..
- after the final conversatin with him.
I believe.. the crying over him will end.. very soon.
I have finally reached rock bottom.
..........
Thats all I can utter at this moment.
I only have tears..
Let that part of my heart die, so it feels the pain no more.
So I can move on.
I'll move on.
Song : I'll Move On
- Lyrics and song by Olivia Ong
This road that I’m taking twists and turns
My life my chance turning dreams into reality
Down this path faced with many things
Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away
Can’t seem to go on.
And I’ve been thru’ this before.
Now where am I? Where do I stand? A little lost here.
But I’ll remember. All those times you’ve bought me thru’.
I’d be a fool to give up cos’ the goal is near
I’ll move on, I’ll go on. Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along. Survive thru’ this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I’ll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on
Here I am Once again caught in the rain.
Looking back I’ve come so far and I want to carry on
Take a step at a time it’s alright.
Even thru’ this rain, I want to smile again
Don’t hold back now. And I’ve been thru’ this before.
Now where am I? Where do I stand? A little lost here.
But I’ll remember. All those times you’ve bought me thru’.
I can feel the sun shining down on me
Here I am, Here I am. Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along. Survive thru’ this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I’ll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on
I need a hug...
I really really really need a good hug....
Friday, June 27, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Song: When You Tell Me You Love Me
Came across this beautiful song that tugged at my hopeless romantic heartstrings.
Well, I'm definitely gonna hold on to the hope that I will meet the right guy some day. But that means, I'll still have to keep on meeting men, right? But yeah, the experiences I've had should have made me wiser (though sadder, haha!) and more selective, and learned to take things slower.
I pray, that I will meet you soon.. my love.
Let's sing this song to each other one day soon, yea?
Whoever you are, wherever you may be now...
I long to tell you, that I love you.
WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME
West Life and Diana Ross version - Beautifully sung, and I love this MTV, simple yet special.
Hmm... not sure why I can't find it on YouTube whereby it is embeddable. Went thru a few and somehow it is diabled for embedding. There are versions by Diana Ross alone or other singers, but I still prefer this version with West Life. The brightcove vid below may be a little too big (width) for my blog template... but this is the one I came across.. boh pian lor..
(Lyrics are below the video)
LYRICS :
Verse 1:
I wanna call the stars
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do
Verse 2:
I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what's beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth
Chorus :
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
Verse 3:
I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everything's easy now
I have you here
Bridge :
In a world without you
I would always hunger
All I need is your love to make me stronger...
_____________________________
SOOOooooooo ROMANTIC~........ *dreamy look*
Well, I'm definitely gonna hold on to the hope that I will meet the right guy some day. But that means, I'll still have to keep on meeting men, right? But yeah, the experiences I've had should have made me wiser (though sadder, haha!) and more selective, and learned to take things slower.
I pray, that I will meet you soon.. my love.
Let's sing this song to each other one day soon, yea?
Whoever you are, wherever you may be now...
I long to tell you, that I love you.
WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME
West Life and Diana Ross version - Beautifully sung, and I love this MTV, simple yet special.
Hmm... not sure why I can't find it on YouTube whereby it is embeddable. Went thru a few and somehow it is diabled for embedding. There are versions by Diana Ross alone or other singers, but I still prefer this version with West Life. The brightcove vid below may be a little too big (width) for my blog template... but this is the one I came across.. boh pian lor..
(Lyrics are below the video)
LYRICS :
Verse 1:
I wanna call the stars
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do
Verse 2:
I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what's beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth
Chorus :
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me
Verse 3:
I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everything's easy now
I have you here
Bridge :
In a world without you
I would always hunger
All I need is your love to make me stronger...
_____________________________
SOOOooooooo ROMANTIC~........ *dreamy look*
Cracked Pot Story
Got this in my gmail inbox from someone ... something I've read before in the past - but at this point in my life, it brought great encouragement.
I think people close to me and those who read this blog.. you'll probably know by now that I will grab anything to lift myself up when I'm down and trodden (Mmm... only after I'm done with my whining and crying, grieving and mourning, pity party and feeling sorry for myself, kekeke..).
THE CRACKED POT
An elderly Chinese woman had two Large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself,because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you Water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO....., to all of my "cracked pot" friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
___________________
Yeah.. I am definitely one big cracked pot~ !! LOL!!
I only hope that the flowers on my side of the path are big and beautiful!!
And yes, I do love flowers.. especially the small and simple ones.
^_^
I think people close to me and those who read this blog.. you'll probably know by now that I will grab anything to lift myself up when I'm down and trodden (Mmm... only after I'm done with my whining and crying, grieving and mourning, pity party and feeling sorry for myself, kekeke..).
THE CRACKED POT
An elderly Chinese woman had two Large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself,because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you Water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO....., to all of my "cracked pot" friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
___________________
Yeah.. I am definitely one big cracked pot~ !! LOL!!
I only hope that the flowers on my side of the path are big and beautiful!!
And yes, I do love flowers.. especially the small and simple ones.
^_^
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Bad Day - Friday the 13th!!! O_o
Sigh.. this can't go on!!
I must bury this once and for all!!
I really have no idea this thing really hit me so hard this time... sigh... How can it be??
On thinking back, I've only known him for a month. We've met up only 4 times in total!! Moreover, 1st 3 times, its not even a date!!!! The 1st time, we met for lunch and coffee to discuss something that he wanted my opinion for pertaining to some issues his female friend is going thru. 2nd time, hmm.... can't remember who asked who but we more or less decided to meet for late supper to yak yak yak again, becoming good friends already through the daily chatting. I see him as only the unfortunate younger cousin of the horrible pig (our common contact) turned personal friend.
3rd time we met up was after his one week ICT and he asked me to meet for dinner. During then I sort of felt he might be liking me but dismissed the thoughts becos its too KNS and it cold be just harmless flirting. After dinner and a fun chat with the restaurant's staff named "Sky", we're not in the mood for heading home, so he suggested going to Bali Villa for drinks... and that is when, in a moment we're just chilling out to smooth jazz music after wine... he kissed me and caught me totally by surprise. That's just last Thursday. The kiss changes everything. Gosh.. I was so confused. And on Saturday nite, we dated, hahaha... we caught a late movie - holding hands and enjoying the close connection while watching Kungfu Panda, and went to Mr Bean Cafe for coffee & wings after the show. Sigh, at that point.. I am still considering if I should accept this apparently budding romance. Hmmm~ sound so damn KNS lor. haha!!
And then, 3 days later - IT'S OVER!!!!! Oh What the hell!!! O_o Unbelievable!!!
Dr John Gray wrote : Men are like Blow Torches, Women are like Ovens. INDEED!!!! I mean, his fire came and gone so quickly, and now I'm just about preheated!!! All the energy put into heating up for nothing to bake! Grrrrr~~~
Also, its ridiculous. 3 days romance - and I'm like wanting to die liddat. Wah lau.... Viv, have some standard can or not!!??? If he CMI in his approach, then please move on. Don't sit there cry like baby, sob so loud as though someone died. Not worth it at all lor.. WAKE UP!!!!
O_o
Yeah, had a bad day today.
Early in the morning, I had a fight with Princess Carol over something which really set the fucking mood for the day.
Moreover, there is the stress to pack up the personal items and office items into boxes due to the office renovation. I needed to transport some stuff home, including some chairs and a pedestal (given free to staff - otherwise disposed to garang guni company). The tea lady's brother couldnt make it for this evening to help with transportation and I badly need to find solution. Thank God for Michelle - in the last minute I heard that her elder brother will coming to help her ferry some things home too, so I asked if I could engage his help and yes they were able to help me. Yahoo~!! However, I have to packed within 30mins!!!!!!!!! Arrrrghhhhhh!!!! STRESS!!!!!!
Anyway, thank God, I was able to pack most of the stuff and have them help me transport home - in the end it took about 2 hours (not 30minutes).
After that, lunch.. and carry on packing the office docs and stuffs with Jeslyn's help, and then finally, my own remaining personal effects. I brought home about 10 boxes of stuff. Geez.
Sigh....
And as I was packing, I began to feel sad... very very sad.
I feel miserable... very very miserable..
Reality of leaving my company sets in.
I am taking off all my stuff and packing into boxes - not bringing back.
Tears threatened to flow, but I dont wanna attract unnecessary attention - will be alarming for colleagues to catch me crying in my office while packing. Drama. So I swallowed those tears.
Sms'd him at about 1pm to let him know that the chairs he wanted have been brought to my place - and he can collect them when he is able to. Waited till 6pm, and there is still no reply. Sigh... in the past, he will reply sms promptly, and in fact he is the one who sms me most of the time. But now... so far... he has been that fucking silent and unresponsive. It is disappointing, so disappointing that I don't have the words to describe it. I am beginning to think that this is probably him in normal mode. If that is it, then really CMI lor. Sigh.... confirmed - if this is the standard in communication, then I'll be in for big frustrations if we got seriously involved. I know I need someone communicative and responsive. I guess, it is good to discover early that we are not compatible.
Another thought is... (for the benefit of doubt) : he probably does not want to lead me on, hence choosing to behave the way he did - for I would do the same too (in fact I've done that to Kalli when he just couldnt seem to get over me, sigh~). In that case, I should be grateful that he left me with no hope to cling on to.
I called him finally, around 6pm plus and asked casually if he's at work. Then asked if he received my sms, he confirmed he did. So I really hadda come direct, and i told him I am calling bcos i didnt get any reply and wants to confirm that he got the message so I can plan what to do with the chairs. Well, he just said that he'll probably collect on sunday , still trying to arrange with his friend for transport. Sigh.. I wonder if I should just forget about the chairs. Perhaps he dont really want them or would rather not see me than to come get the chairs - he can afford them anyway.
Devastated by the distance... felt like almost strangers. Tears choked up ... and I can't take it anymore at that point. Making the whole day worse is the accumulated effect of the fight in the morning, and the reality of me leaving my job, the anxiety of having no new job yet to go to... and the heartbreak... another heart wrenching episode.
I wished for a moment he had not crossed the line that night... because somehow when my heart melted, i because vulnerable, soft, and weak. I was still tough and brave to stand through this period of uncertainty and loss.
Michelle came over to talk to me after everyone has left the office, and we started talking. She saw the torture & misery on my face and asked me why.. and I started to tell her, and i just broke down and cried...
I cried aloud, feeling so sorry for myself. I sobbed loudly, tears running down my cheeks... in my office... in front of michelle.
Sobs.......
It felt good after that. Much better.
Sigh...
Couldn't help but send him one last sms around 11pm. Saying I miss him, and its has been a week since we kissed. No reply. I doubt there will be any. And another piece of me died.
Time to bury it. Enough grieving. I need to remove the sack cloth and shake off the ashes. It has dragged too long... the pain. Yet I can't deny that I'm in pain.
I will have to hide again... I dont feel like going out nor doing anything. I just feel like crying.
But yea, I think, forget about the chairs. I dont want to go where I'm not welcomed. Why be so helpful to someone who now treats me as a stranger?
If I love myself, I will need to lift my head up high and be angry with him!!! I should be angry!!!!! Yet all i can feel is grieve and pain!!!
But yea... if he's happier this way, then I should not try to tie him down. right?
I will not make myself cheap anymore. No more.
Going after him will only make him despise me instead of him seeing any value in me.
Forget... let it go... Let things go back to normal.
My heart will heal. I will be ok soon.
I need a hug. A big big warm loving hug... sobs...
there I go again... crying.. sigh...
Wish there's a prince for me too... who'll wanna make me smile.. and end my tears
(=.+)
I must bury this once and for all!!
I really have no idea this thing really hit me so hard this time... sigh... How can it be??
On thinking back, I've only known him for a month. We've met up only 4 times in total!! Moreover, 1st 3 times, its not even a date!!!! The 1st time, we met for lunch and coffee to discuss something that he wanted my opinion for pertaining to some issues his female friend is going thru. 2nd time, hmm.... can't remember who asked who but we more or less decided to meet for late supper to yak yak yak again, becoming good friends already through the daily chatting. I see him as only the unfortunate younger cousin of the horrible pig (our common contact) turned personal friend.
3rd time we met up was after his one week ICT and he asked me to meet for dinner. During then I sort of felt he might be liking me but dismissed the thoughts becos its too KNS and it cold be just harmless flirting. After dinner and a fun chat with the restaurant's staff named "Sky", we're not in the mood for heading home, so he suggested going to Bali Villa for drinks... and that is when, in a moment we're just chilling out to smooth jazz music after wine... he kissed me and caught me totally by surprise. That's just last Thursday. The kiss changes everything. Gosh.. I was so confused. And on Saturday nite, we dated, hahaha... we caught a late movie - holding hands and enjoying the close connection while watching Kungfu Panda, and went to Mr Bean Cafe for coffee & wings after the show. Sigh, at that point.. I am still considering if I should accept this apparently budding romance. Hmmm~ sound so damn KNS lor. haha!!
And then, 3 days later - IT'S OVER!!!!! Oh What the hell!!! O_o Unbelievable!!!
Dr John Gray wrote : Men are like Blow Torches, Women are like Ovens. INDEED!!!! I mean, his fire came and gone so quickly, and now I'm just about preheated!!! All the energy put into heating up for nothing to bake! Grrrrr~~~
Also, its ridiculous. 3 days romance - and I'm like wanting to die liddat. Wah lau.... Viv, have some standard can or not!!??? If he CMI in his approach, then please move on. Don't sit there cry like baby, sob so loud as though someone died. Not worth it at all lor.. WAKE UP!!!!
O_o
Yeah, had a bad day today.
Early in the morning, I had a fight with Princess Carol over something which really set the fucking mood for the day.
Moreover, there is the stress to pack up the personal items and office items into boxes due to the office renovation. I needed to transport some stuff home, including some chairs and a pedestal (given free to staff - otherwise disposed to garang guni company). The tea lady's brother couldnt make it for this evening to help with transportation and I badly need to find solution. Thank God for Michelle - in the last minute I heard that her elder brother will coming to help her ferry some things home too, so I asked if I could engage his help and yes they were able to help me. Yahoo~!! However, I have to packed within 30mins!!!!!!!!! Arrrrghhhhhh!!!! STRESS!!!!!!
Anyway, thank God, I was able to pack most of the stuff and have them help me transport home - in the end it took about 2 hours (not 30minutes).
After that, lunch.. and carry on packing the office docs and stuffs with Jeslyn's help, and then finally, my own remaining personal effects. I brought home about 10 boxes of stuff. Geez.
Sigh....
And as I was packing, I began to feel sad... very very sad.
I feel miserable... very very miserable..
Reality of leaving my company sets in.
I am taking off all my stuff and packing into boxes - not bringing back.
Tears threatened to flow, but I dont wanna attract unnecessary attention - will be alarming for colleagues to catch me crying in my office while packing. Drama. So I swallowed those tears.
Sms'd him at about 1pm to let him know that the chairs he wanted have been brought to my place - and he can collect them when he is able to. Waited till 6pm, and there is still no reply. Sigh... in the past, he will reply sms promptly, and in fact he is the one who sms me most of the time. But now... so far... he has been that fucking silent and unresponsive. It is disappointing, so disappointing that I don't have the words to describe it. I am beginning to think that this is probably him in normal mode. If that is it, then really CMI lor. Sigh.... confirmed - if this is the standard in communication, then I'll be in for big frustrations if we got seriously involved. I know I need someone communicative and responsive. I guess, it is good to discover early that we are not compatible.
Another thought is... (for the benefit of doubt) : he probably does not want to lead me on, hence choosing to behave the way he did - for I would do the same too (in fact I've done that to Kalli when he just couldnt seem to get over me, sigh~). In that case, I should be grateful that he left me with no hope to cling on to.
I called him finally, around 6pm plus and asked casually if he's at work. Then asked if he received my sms, he confirmed he did. So I really hadda come direct, and i told him I am calling bcos i didnt get any reply and wants to confirm that he got the message so I can plan what to do with the chairs. Well, he just said that he'll probably collect on sunday , still trying to arrange with his friend for transport. Sigh.. I wonder if I should just forget about the chairs. Perhaps he dont really want them or would rather not see me than to come get the chairs - he can afford them anyway.
Devastated by the distance... felt like almost strangers. Tears choked up ... and I can't take it anymore at that point. Making the whole day worse is the accumulated effect of the fight in the morning, and the reality of me leaving my job, the anxiety of having no new job yet to go to... and the heartbreak... another heart wrenching episode.
I wished for a moment he had not crossed the line that night... because somehow when my heart melted, i because vulnerable, soft, and weak. I was still tough and brave to stand through this period of uncertainty and loss.
Michelle came over to talk to me after everyone has left the office, and we started talking. She saw the torture & misery on my face and asked me why.. and I started to tell her, and i just broke down and cried...
I cried aloud, feeling so sorry for myself. I sobbed loudly, tears running down my cheeks... in my office... in front of michelle.
Sobs.......
It felt good after that. Much better.
Sigh...
Couldn't help but send him one last sms around 11pm. Saying I miss him, and its has been a week since we kissed. No reply. I doubt there will be any. And another piece of me died.
Time to bury it. Enough grieving. I need to remove the sack cloth and shake off the ashes. It has dragged too long... the pain. Yet I can't deny that I'm in pain.
I will have to hide again... I dont feel like going out nor doing anything. I just feel like crying.
But yea, I think, forget about the chairs. I dont want to go where I'm not welcomed. Why be so helpful to someone who now treats me as a stranger?
If I love myself, I will need to lift my head up high and be angry with him!!! I should be angry!!!!! Yet all i can feel is grieve and pain!!!
But yea... if he's happier this way, then I should not try to tie him down. right?
I will not make myself cheap anymore. No more.
Going after him will only make him despise me instead of him seeing any value in me.
Forget... let it go... Let things go back to normal.
My heart will heal. I will be ok soon.
I need a hug. A big big warm loving hug... sobs...
there I go again... crying.. sigh...
Wish there's a prince for me too... who'll wanna make me smile.. and end my tears
(=.+)
Friday, June 13, 2008
Autumn Rain
Chatted online with him tonight..
Felt like old friends again, just bitching daily stuff.
Finally I can't withold what's suppressed within me for days and shared with him how I was feeling about the situation.
His answer, caused my tears to fall like rain.
My decision : To close the door, to walk on, and not look back. March on... till I see the sun.. till I see the rainbow once again.
And..
I got my closure.
Looks like I need to gather the pieces of my fragile heart, mop up the puddle - portions of my heart previously melted by his words - curl into a corner and hide again, to heal, to recover.
Unbelievable.
One after another... passing clouds in my life. Either that, or wolves in sheep clothings. Do I sound like I'm blaming others? I can only blame me.. for not being able to keep my heart locked away. I gave it away too easily. I allow people to touch it and melt it too easily.
Somehow, I am not taking this one well. I don't seem to be able to lift myself up. I think this one hits me deep. Hahaha... unbelievable.
I will be fine. I know I will be.
I have been so naive.
I am now, deeply disappointed.
Reading Chipmunk Prince's blog tonight heap on the heart aches. Even his poem to Princess tonight.. I wish it was for me. sobz. (-_-)
Chipmunk Princes' Poem tonite :
Taurus Princess
Don't cry, don't be sad, my precious one
Even if you trip into sadness,
Look into the truth
Be as you are
Events clouded your smile which I love so
Even if I pray, the flow of time is too fast,
Seems to wash you away too far, and can't go back
Painted by a calm light
The passing months are as if turning nights into dreams
Open your eyes and take a look,
The cherry-blossoms bloom close to you
And brilliantly sways in the rays of lights through the trees
I want to protect you forever but it's alright now
Someone is waiting for your gentle hands,
So lift your head up high
The one who fell in love a long time ago
Do you think they are feeling as one now?
Taurus Princess, fly away strongly
Don't look back,
Crossing the vast ocean
I hope there is always light for you
Because of you,
This life continues eternally
Your voice whispered softly
On the edge of the world
Where we have gotten used to this
Let us shatter the peace which was kept in place by silence
Before the showering of light comes forth
In this fading world, you and I share a bond
There is no need to hesitate or pause
Ah, these memories overflowing in my hands
They'll slowly search for tomorrow so they won't wilt
Princess of mine, fly away strongly
Don't look back,
Crossing the vast horizon
To a brand new day,
Today, tomorrow and for eternity
Sigh... so beautiful, so comforting ...
I wish things can be better for me.
*cough* Hmm... choked on a thought or two :
Things are only as bad as you see it~!
Always look on the bright side.. of life!
Everything's gonna be alright!
OK, will try to see the positive, smile bravely, march on .. when morning comes.
Tweetie will chirp and will flap her wings again .... when morning comes.
At least, I've tasted the sweetness of Summer. Mmm... will remember the wonderful parts. No matter what, that is still a great encounter, a great romance with a twist, unexpected, and something to smile about when I think back on days gone by.
Tonight, I will take my little yellow sinus pill and sleep.
Felt like old friends again, just bitching daily stuff.
Finally I can't withold what's suppressed within me for days and shared with him how I was feeling about the situation.
His answer, caused my tears to fall like rain.
My decision : To close the door, to walk on, and not look back. March on... till I see the sun.. till I see the rainbow once again.
And..
I got my closure.
Looks like I need to gather the pieces of my fragile heart, mop up the puddle - portions of my heart previously melted by his words - curl into a corner and hide again, to heal, to recover.
Unbelievable.
One after another... passing clouds in my life. Either that, or wolves in sheep clothings. Do I sound like I'm blaming others? I can only blame me.. for not being able to keep my heart locked away. I gave it away too easily. I allow people to touch it and melt it too easily.
Somehow, I am not taking this one well. I don't seem to be able to lift myself up. I think this one hits me deep. Hahaha... unbelievable.
I will be fine. I know I will be.
I have been so naive.
I am now, deeply disappointed.
Reading Chipmunk Prince's blog tonight heap on the heart aches. Even his poem to Princess tonight.. I wish it was for me. sobz. (-_-)
Chipmunk Princes' Poem tonite :
Taurus Princess
Don't cry, don't be sad, my precious one
Even if you trip into sadness,
Look into the truth
Be as you are
Events clouded your smile which I love so
Even if I pray, the flow of time is too fast,
Seems to wash you away too far, and can't go back
Painted by a calm light
The passing months are as if turning nights into dreams
Open your eyes and take a look,
The cherry-blossoms bloom close to you
And brilliantly sways in the rays of lights through the trees
I want to protect you forever but it's alright now
Someone is waiting for your gentle hands,
So lift your head up high
The one who fell in love a long time ago
Do you think they are feeling as one now?
Taurus Princess, fly away strongly
Don't look back,
Crossing the vast ocean
I hope there is always light for you
Because of you,
This life continues eternally
Your voice whispered softly
On the edge of the world
Where we have gotten used to this
Let us shatter the peace which was kept in place by silence
Before the showering of light comes forth
In this fading world, you and I share a bond
There is no need to hesitate or pause
Ah, these memories overflowing in my hands
They'll slowly search for tomorrow so they won't wilt
Princess of mine, fly away strongly
Don't look back,
Crossing the vast horizon
To a brand new day,
Today, tomorrow and for eternity
Sigh... so beautiful, so comforting ...
I wish things can be better for me.
*cough* Hmm... choked on a thought or two :
Things are only as bad as you see it~!
Always look on the bright side.. of life!
Everything's gonna be alright!
OK, will try to see the positive, smile bravely, march on .. when morning comes.
Tweetie will chirp and will flap her wings again .... when morning comes.
At least, I've tasted the sweetness of Summer. Mmm... will remember the wonderful parts. No matter what, that is still a great encounter, a great romance with a twist, unexpected, and something to smile about when I think back on days gone by.
Tonight, I will take my little yellow sinus pill and sleep.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Foolish
Have just spoken with him over the phone... this morning..
He sounded so tired, so exhausted. I think the poor fella must have been so busy with work and his new business that he is burning himself out.
Sigh,..
I feel foolish now. hur-hur...
Yet I wonder, is this the standard I should settle for and expect from a man who deserves me?
Are men like that?
Most probably it is not intentional of him to "disappear" because of other priorities and exhaustion. 3 weeks of daily sms and msn nightly (and even during the day) has already given me the impression that this is a man who will make time when he wants to. Or perhaps, coincidentally, the past 3 weeks has been a really slow period for him..
Oh well. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Right now, I should just take it easy, and not think about it anymore.
March on, move on.
If he picks up speed again, then I'll see how it goes. Otherwise, I'm letting it go.
No point pacing around waiting for a man who has already walked away, right?
The man will take action to achieve his objective, right?
Hence, if I am not the objective, no point entertaining false hopes and holding on to unfulfilled promises. Moreover... what promises? On tracking back, he has not made promises - he merely indicated interest and desires.
Sigh... I'm beginning to think that I am really a big problem.
That's not a good thought.. not good at all.
What happen to the bubbly, fun, chatty, animated, adorable and interesting Tweetie??
She's still here.
Just temporarily crippled emotionally.
Is there a cure for me? Sigh....
I think, any man who have read these thoughts of mine will run far far away into the mountains and don't look back.
I can only hope that with each day, I will grow into a more wholesome-minded person and overcome these issues that sabotages potential relationships in my life.
This reminds me of the short talk by Kloudiia at a Workplace Networking Session I attended out of curiousity (dragged Michelle along, hahaha!) :
She shared that what we BELIEVE can actually sabotage our love life. Sometimes we are not aware of what our believes are. If what we are believing in is not working for us, we should change it, to have the correct mindset and values. She calls it "reframing" our mind to think the positive, to reinforce the positive.
I need to look deeper within me, again. See what's wrong.
Sigh.....
He sounded so tired, so exhausted. I think the poor fella must have been so busy with work and his new business that he is burning himself out.
Sigh,..
I feel foolish now. hur-hur...
Yet I wonder, is this the standard I should settle for and expect from a man who deserves me?
Are men like that?
Most probably it is not intentional of him to "disappear" because of other priorities and exhaustion. 3 weeks of daily sms and msn nightly (and even during the day) has already given me the impression that this is a man who will make time when he wants to. Or perhaps, coincidentally, the past 3 weeks has been a really slow period for him..
Oh well. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Right now, I should just take it easy, and not think about it anymore.
March on, move on.
If he picks up speed again, then I'll see how it goes. Otherwise, I'm letting it go.
No point pacing around waiting for a man who has already walked away, right?
The man will take action to achieve his objective, right?
Hence, if I am not the objective, no point entertaining false hopes and holding on to unfulfilled promises. Moreover... what promises? On tracking back, he has not made promises - he merely indicated interest and desires.
Sigh... I'm beginning to think that I am really a big problem.
That's not a good thought.. not good at all.
What happen to the bubbly, fun, chatty, animated, adorable and interesting Tweetie??
She's still here.
Just temporarily crippled emotionally.
Is there a cure for me? Sigh....
I think, any man who have read these thoughts of mine will run far far away into the mountains and don't look back.
I can only hope that with each day, I will grow into a more wholesome-minded person and overcome these issues that sabotages potential relationships in my life.
This reminds me of the short talk by Kloudiia at a Workplace Networking Session I attended out of curiousity (dragged Michelle along, hahaha!) :
She shared that what we BELIEVE can actually sabotage our love life. Sometimes we are not aware of what our believes are. If what we are believing in is not working for us, we should change it, to have the correct mindset and values. She calls it "reframing" our mind to think the positive, to reinforce the positive.
I need to look deeper within me, again. See what's wrong.
Sigh.....
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
March On
This is a song I heard recently, that I found encouraging...
Well, will be nice if its dedicated to me by someone else - but then again, why wait for someone to come and encourage you when you have the ability to pull yourself up and encourage yourself?
I could survive and not turn into an unhappy depressive bitter person because I have learn to encourage myself, face my own ugliness and weaknesses, be true to myself and soldier on, march on.
That is why this song is an inspiration for now.
I have not heard of this band before, nor this song either, till the Chipmunk Prince dedicated it to his Princess. Haha~!! I've been listening to great songs lately thru his blog!! (Another one is Mr Big's "I'm the one who wants to be with you"). Anyway, there's another slower version, but I love the original version more :
"March On" (Lyrics)
Don’t cry, open up your eyes and know
There's someone else out there that feels this way
I’m singing to you
'cause I know what you’ve been through and now
Not so long ago I felt the same
Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on
I remember summer nights alone
Fireflies' the only thing we own
You're all we ever dreams of California
And I remember winters were so cold
Hunger was the only thing we know
And rock n’ roll dreamin’ was what saved us
Like soldiers, March on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on
Till we see the sun (March on)
Till we see the sun
Through the good times
Through the bad times
Through the long days
Through the hard nights
Keep on till we see the sun
Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on
Even when there’s no one there for you - march on
Even when the days are long for you - march on
Like soldiers, March on!
Yes!! Tweetie will march on.
Tweetie will march on through the night and see the sun.
Through the good times, bad times, long days, hard nights...
Even when there's no one there for me to march on...
I will still march on - for me!!
Never give up!!! Never give up on yourself!!!
If there is no one to love me... to dote on me.. to pamper me..
I will be the one who love me, dote on me and pamper me.
*self hug*
But one thing for sure...
I am not pitiful. NOT pitiful at all.
Because - I have true friends who will stand by me, and one of them is Twinkle Star, my best friend. ^.^
I will count my blessings.
Well, will be nice if its dedicated to me by someone else - but then again, why wait for someone to come and encourage you when you have the ability to pull yourself up and encourage yourself?
I could survive and not turn into an unhappy depressive bitter person because I have learn to encourage myself, face my own ugliness and weaknesses, be true to myself and soldier on, march on.
That is why this song is an inspiration for now.
I have not heard of this band before, nor this song either, till the Chipmunk Prince dedicated it to his Princess. Haha~!! I've been listening to great songs lately thru his blog!! (Another one is Mr Big's "I'm the one who wants to be with you"). Anyway, there's another slower version, but I love the original version more :
"March On" (Lyrics)
Don’t cry, open up your eyes and know
There's someone else out there that feels this way
I’m singing to you
'cause I know what you’ve been through and now
Not so long ago I felt the same
Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on
I remember summer nights alone
Fireflies' the only thing we own
You're all we ever dreams of California
And I remember winters were so cold
Hunger was the only thing we know
And rock n’ roll dreamin’ was what saved us
Like soldiers, March on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on
Till we see the sun (March on)
Till we see the sun
Through the good times
Through the bad times
Through the long days
Through the hard nights
Keep on till we see the sun
Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on
Even when there’s no one there for you - march on
Even when the days are long for you - march on
Like soldiers, March on!
Yes!! Tweetie will march on.
Tweetie will march on through the night and see the sun.
Through the good times, bad times, long days, hard nights...
Even when there's no one there for me to march on...
I will still march on - for me!!
Never give up!!! Never give up on yourself!!!
If there is no one to love me... to dote on me.. to pamper me..
I will be the one who love me, dote on me and pamper me.
*self hug*
But one thing for sure...
I am not pitiful. NOT pitiful at all.
Because - I have true friends who will stand by me, and one of them is Twinkle Star, my best friend. ^.^
I will count my blessings.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Autumn Sky
Hmmm.... Autumn....
I've always love Autumn. I love the season... and have always find it romantic. With the Autumn leaves falling, turning red.. I've always dreamed that I'll walk hand in hand with my darling, through the path lined with rows of autumn trees, Maple trees perhaps. Enjoying the coolness and chilling breeze, huddling close to each other.. and embracing in deep sweet loving kisses. ^.^ ... mmmm... so romantic~.
But right now, after a brief taste of summer sweetness, and just right after I began to entertain possibilities and embrace a new hope... just as emotions began to be unlocked, anticipation & heart rate accelerated, sweetness of soul well up and passion fire arose - I found myself suddenly in the shadows and cold silence. When I shout, I do not seem to hear anymore resounding echoes. What happened? I'm thinking too much again, am I? I'm being oversenstive, am I? But do I deny my intuition that summer has withdrew itself, leaving me to deal with the void - or do I begin to find excuses and reasons to deceive myself? However, I do know and am aware that sometimes the other priorities of life takes over and seize our time and focus away. Yet, the contrast is so great that I find myself unable to cope. At a moment when I needed him badly... I could only sense the distance - and the disappointment of his unavailability.
Read the poem Chipmunk Prince wrote for his Princess tonight, and felt especially sentimental. It's so beautifully written, each word combined with another to bring forth such meaning and depth of expression. I was never quite someone into poetry, but I have come to truly appreciate what he writes daily. That's because of the story and reason behind each poem - that makes it meaningful to me, compared to just reading a book of poems.
For tonight's poem, these few lines stood out to me and triggered such emotions within me. Because I could relate to it.. because that is how I am feeling - the melancholy of Autumn and the fear that the heartwarming fuzzy romance of summer is over.
Excerpt from Poem :
"My Big Smile For You In Return"
Wrapped in the spring wind,
Describing a far-away dream,
The white clouds of summer scatter and vanish
Autumn sky, so full of sorrow;
Winter sea, so brim with chill
Losing ourselves in the passing of time
Really nice way of using the seasons.
Sigh.... (-.+)
For tonight's poem, these few lines stood out to me and triggered such emotions within me. Because I could relate to it.. because that is how I am feeling - the melancholy of Autumn and the fear that the heartwarming fuzzy romance of summer is over.
Excerpt from Poem :
"My Big Smile For You In Return"
Wrapped in the spring wind,
Describing a far-away dream,
The white clouds of summer scatter and vanish
Autumn sky, so full of sorrow;
Winter sea, so brim with chill
Losing ourselves in the passing of time
Really nice way of using the seasons.
Sigh.... (-.+)
I've always love Autumn. I love the season... and have always find it romantic. With the Autumn leaves falling, turning red.. I've always dreamed that I'll walk hand in hand with my darling, through the path lined with rows of autumn trees, Maple trees perhaps. Enjoying the coolness and chilling breeze, huddling close to each other.. and embracing in deep sweet loving kisses. ^.^ ... mmmm... so romantic~.
But right now, after a brief taste of summer sweetness, and just right after I began to entertain possibilities and embrace a new hope... just as emotions began to be unlocked, anticipation & heart rate accelerated, sweetness of soul well up and passion fire arose - I found myself suddenly in the shadows and cold silence. When I shout, I do not seem to hear anymore resounding echoes. What happened? I'm thinking too much again, am I? I'm being oversenstive, am I? But do I deny my intuition that summer has withdrew itself, leaving me to deal with the void - or do I begin to find excuses and reasons to deceive myself? However, I do know and am aware that sometimes the other priorities of life takes over and seize our time and focus away. Yet, the contrast is so great that I find myself unable to cope. At a moment when I needed him badly... I could only sense the distance - and the disappointment of his unavailability.
What happened to the daily sms of warm greetings and cheeky sweet nothings? What happened to random phonecalls? That is even before feelings were discovered. Shouldn't it be consistent or increase with intensity now that we both have crossed the line? Does slowing down mean full stop? Of course, it doesn't help the situation where we have an added complication of a mutual acquaintance sowing discord and shooting flaming arrows. Sigh...
I guess, I have to remind myself this : Attraction does not equal to Love. Sometimes, a man may feel strong attraction for a woman, but it only drives him to want to know her and know more about what makes her unique, and if she fits into his picture and his world. And with the knowing, attraction may fade or end abruptly (Oh dear... I hope this is not what happened. hehehe~!). Or, the attraction will blossom and grow, turning the connection into mutual affection, mutual love - where love is not just a feeling, but also a choice, a committment, an action, a reason for living, a fulfillment, a union. etc......
And I need to remain positive in my mindset. If a man who was attracted to me withdrew after knowing me better.. it is not such a negative thing. It simply means he knows what he wants, and he realises that I am not what he wants - and we are just not compatible, no need to try too hard, and better make things clear than lead each other on. Vice versa. That is why it is always wiser to take things slower and take the needed time to know the person better.
But yes, that's my logical mind speaking. What's my heart saying? Well, its not saying anything. It's SCREAMING!!!!!!! It's screaming and yelling "bullshit!!! go!!! chase!!! run after it!!! dive in!!! immerse yourself in it!!! let passion burn and consume!!! don't think so much!!! Seize the day!!! Cherish the moment!!! Come what may.......!!!! "
Sigh.. the head or the heart?
I know we both agreed on the right thing to do : to remain as friends for now, and take things slower.
Sigh.. yet, I'm struggling terribly. I'm in contradiction with myself !! I felt disappointed that he agreed to slow things down!! (hahaha... terrible lah we woman, this also wrong that also wrong then how?!!). Within me passion and desires are roaring waves ready to consume and devour!! My soul felt vexed with the internal war! My emotions are driving me nuts!! And the head - fortunately - the head is still in charge. Still in control.
He said that night.. that he dont wanna to let me go. That I am the kinda gal he wants... for a girlfriend, for a wife. I was melting, becuase he sounded so genuine, so true, so sincere .... in the midst of all the confusion. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH~!!!!! But right now, I felt as though I've been let go!!! Without a struggle!!! Sigh, ... I dont blame him lah. I can't blame him. I will just have to take the responsibility and also not let this be a blow. Who knows? He still mean it..? Who knows? Tomorrow is a mystery...
But I know, if i continue to dwell on this train of negative thinking, I will once again feel the pain of rejection and abandonment, and have to face my own personal demons. Again. I must turn away. I must rise above. I must stop these thoughts once they surface. I must embrace the positive voice. I must silence the negative me.
I WILL BE STRONG!!!!! and I WILL HAVE COURAGE!!!!!
I must not crumble and fall into dark moods each time romance come and go.
I must not turn into an emotional wreck and insecure neurotic needy frightened animal each time I start having feelings for somebody.
I am doing so much better now - as compared to the past... so much in control, so much in self-awareness.
Yet, I do wonder .. if I'm ready, when true love comes my way.
I still have not yet been involved in a healthy wholesome love relationship.
Am I a problem?
I longed to be embraced, to be told that its alright.. I'll be safe. He'll take care of me and protect me, be there for me to lean on. I dreamed of flowers, sweet kisses, loving kindness and happy laughter. Naughty playful moments, intense passionate intimacy (yeah yeah i meant sex, mating, love-making, humping! LOL!!), or quiet moments just enjoying each other's presense..
Fantasy?
Well, no harm dreaming.
I envy the Princess of Cresent Soar - where the Chipmunk Prince reinforce and declare his promises night after night after night. That he will never give up on her, that he will never let go, that he will always be there. And he have also inked his body permanently, symbols of his objective in seeking the Princess' happiness and recovery, and the most recent tattoo signifying Faith, Hope, Strength for the Princess and the promise of ever being there for her, with her so she's not alone, and to catch her if she falls. This is a man who not only speaks it, but he backs it up with actions.
Men say things at the spur of the moment, I guess. They meant it when they say it. But Grrrrr~!! I must learn not to be naive (how old already!!??? huh??). It is easy make promises, express desires, words are cheap. People forget. They can also free to change their mind. Yet, so often I play the promises in my mind... and embraced the hope, looking forward to fulfillment. Only to be disappointed. Is it me? Then perhaps I need to kill hope. Not to allow myself to have expectations.
I dont know WTF I'm writing actually. Just any thoughts that floats up to my mind at the moment, translating into text onscreen.
I guess, sometimes the wait is necessary. And I must make best use of the wait to better myself. To sort out personal issues, to continue to learn how to love myself, and have the right mindset and approach to matters of the heart.
There's still a long way to go for me.
This time, I've met someone who has many qualities I have always wanted to have in my life partner. If it didn't progress, I'll just have to keep walking this journey alone and not give up hope - till I encounter another. It will only get better, I hope haha!!
But yes, compared to the sorry asses I've given my heart to in the past, the quality is getter better and better. haha!!
THERE IS HOPE FOR ME!!!!
Well, I must get better and better too! ^.^
Felt better now after another "whining" session. At least some of the internal gyrations ,thoughts & emotions are sorted out.
Over the next week, I dont expect anything to improve or happen. I guess, lets call it the lack of faith. But I will do some reading up on some of those ebooks I have. Need to refresh my memory, and some I've bought but not read. Need to help myself and feed on the wisdom of others.
To be fair to him, I do know that he is genuinely busy with work and the committment required for his new businesses. I dont think I was part of his plan for this time and perhaps I was just a little crush that happened unexpectedly. Now it is necessary to refocus on responsibilities and work. He had said, that he needs only me to stand by him (when I ask if there's anything I can do to help). I think, the last thing he needs now is a whiny needy woman that is attention seeking and emotionally high maintenance. Therefore, I will let it go, and return to my good old self, which is definitely more light-hearted, funky, zany and attractive.
It's mum's birthday tomorrow - 11 June. I'm on leave, and will spend some time to make her day. =^^= (and i better start bloggin the happy stuff, I've been accused of character assasination and whining blah blah blah by a stranger - but if I'm not wrong, most of the time, the character I assasinate here is my own. So WTF!!)
Ok, time to Zzz. All these late nights are turning me into a panda. Wohoe~!!
I guess, I have to remind myself this : Attraction does not equal to Love. Sometimes, a man may feel strong attraction for a woman, but it only drives him to want to know her and know more about what makes her unique, and if she fits into his picture and his world. And with the knowing, attraction may fade or end abruptly (Oh dear... I hope this is not what happened. hehehe~!). Or, the attraction will blossom and grow, turning the connection into mutual affection, mutual love - where love is not just a feeling, but also a choice, a committment, an action, a reason for living, a fulfillment, a union. etc......
And I need to remain positive in my mindset. If a man who was attracted to me withdrew after knowing me better.. it is not such a negative thing. It simply means he knows what he wants, and he realises that I am not what he wants - and we are just not compatible, no need to try too hard, and better make things clear than lead each other on. Vice versa. That is why it is always wiser to take things slower and take the needed time to know the person better.
But yes, that's my logical mind speaking. What's my heart saying? Well, its not saying anything. It's SCREAMING!!!!!!! It's screaming and yelling "bullshit!!! go!!! chase!!! run after it!!! dive in!!! immerse yourself in it!!! let passion burn and consume!!! don't think so much!!! Seize the day!!! Cherish the moment!!! Come what may.......!!!! "
Sigh.. the head or the heart?
I know we both agreed on the right thing to do : to remain as friends for now, and take things slower.
Sigh.. yet, I'm struggling terribly. I'm in contradiction with myself !! I felt disappointed that he agreed to slow things down!! (hahaha... terrible lah we woman, this also wrong that also wrong then how?!!). Within me passion and desires are roaring waves ready to consume and devour!! My soul felt vexed with the internal war! My emotions are driving me nuts!! And the head - fortunately - the head is still in charge. Still in control.
He said that night.. that he dont wanna to let me go. That I am the kinda gal he wants... for a girlfriend, for a wife. I was melting, becuase he sounded so genuine, so true, so sincere .... in the midst of all the confusion. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH~!!!!! But right now, I felt as though I've been let go!!! Without a struggle!!! Sigh, ... I dont blame him lah. I can't blame him. I will just have to take the responsibility and also not let this be a blow. Who knows? He still mean it..? Who knows? Tomorrow is a mystery...
But I know, if i continue to dwell on this train of negative thinking, I will once again feel the pain of rejection and abandonment, and have to face my own personal demons. Again. I must turn away. I must rise above. I must stop these thoughts once they surface. I must embrace the positive voice. I must silence the negative me.
I WILL BE STRONG!!!!! and I WILL HAVE COURAGE!!!!!
I must not crumble and fall into dark moods each time romance come and go.
I must not turn into an emotional wreck and insecure neurotic needy frightened animal each time I start having feelings for somebody.
I am doing so much better now - as compared to the past... so much in control, so much in self-awareness.
Yet, I do wonder .. if I'm ready, when true love comes my way.
I still have not yet been involved in a healthy wholesome love relationship.
Am I a problem?
I longed to be embraced, to be told that its alright.. I'll be safe. He'll take care of me and protect me, be there for me to lean on. I dreamed of flowers, sweet kisses, loving kindness and happy laughter. Naughty playful moments, intense passionate intimacy (yeah yeah i meant sex, mating, love-making, humping! LOL!!), or quiet moments just enjoying each other's presense..
Fantasy?
Well, no harm dreaming.
I envy the Princess of Cresent Soar - where the Chipmunk Prince reinforce and declare his promises night after night after night. That he will never give up on her, that he will never let go, that he will always be there. And he have also inked his body permanently, symbols of his objective in seeking the Princess' happiness and recovery, and the most recent tattoo signifying Faith, Hope, Strength for the Princess and the promise of ever being there for her, with her so she's not alone, and to catch her if she falls. This is a man who not only speaks it, but he backs it up with actions.
Men say things at the spur of the moment, I guess. They meant it when they say it. But Grrrrr~!! I must learn not to be naive (how old already!!??? huh??). It is easy make promises, express desires, words are cheap. People forget. They can also free to change their mind. Yet, so often I play the promises in my mind... and embraced the hope, looking forward to fulfillment. Only to be disappointed. Is it me? Then perhaps I need to kill hope. Not to allow myself to have expectations.
I dont know WTF I'm writing actually. Just any thoughts that floats up to my mind at the moment, translating into text onscreen.
I guess, sometimes the wait is necessary. And I must make best use of the wait to better myself. To sort out personal issues, to continue to learn how to love myself, and have the right mindset and approach to matters of the heart.
There's still a long way to go for me.
This time, I've met someone who has many qualities I have always wanted to have in my life partner. If it didn't progress, I'll just have to keep walking this journey alone and not give up hope - till I encounter another. It will only get better, I hope haha!!
But yes, compared to the sorry asses I've given my heart to in the past, the quality is getter better and better. haha!!
THERE IS HOPE FOR ME!!!!
Well, I must get better and better too! ^.^
Felt better now after another "whining" session. At least some of the internal gyrations ,thoughts & emotions are sorted out.
Over the next week, I dont expect anything to improve or happen. I guess, lets call it the lack of faith. But I will do some reading up on some of those ebooks I have. Need to refresh my memory, and some I've bought but not read. Need to help myself and feed on the wisdom of others.
To be fair to him, I do know that he is genuinely busy with work and the committment required for his new businesses. I dont think I was part of his plan for this time and perhaps I was just a little crush that happened unexpectedly. Now it is necessary to refocus on responsibilities and work. He had said, that he needs only me to stand by him (when I ask if there's anything I can do to help). I think, the last thing he needs now is a whiny needy woman that is attention seeking and emotionally high maintenance. Therefore, I will let it go, and return to my good old self, which is definitely more light-hearted, funky, zany and attractive.
It's mum's birthday tomorrow - 11 June. I'm on leave, and will spend some time to make her day. =^^= (and i better start bloggin the happy stuff, I've been accused of character assasination and whining blah blah blah by a stranger - but if I'm not wrong, most of the time, the character I assasinate here is my own. So WTF!!)
Ok, time to Zzz. All these late nights are turning me into a panda. Wohoe~!!
Monday, June 09, 2008
Heart Matters
Thoughts are kinda in a jumble, so are emotions.
Is it for real? Could it be true this time?
Love.....
I want to believe in it, yet I lack the courage to just fall into it, to rest and be assured, to embrace it. I feel afraid.. afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be a fool again, afraid to be deeply disappointed, afraid that its another passing cloud, afraid of another wolf in sheep clothing which I still dont seem to know how to detect.. afraid that I will ruin it with my overwhelming emotions and passionate desires once I unleash them from within me... .
Now, I just want to shrink, run, and withdraw - to hide..
Confusion fills my mind and heart, and it clouds the eyes i can't see clearly.
Reaching out to me is someone who seems genuine.. who seems to have come to know me in my unfiltered self and has liked me for who i am... (really??? hmm... he have not seen the worst of me!).. he also does not seem to be one who will give up easily but will stand by me, seems more mature and stable and wholesome and patient than me. Someone I felt I can respect, depend on, trust, give of myself to.... Or is this just my fantasy playing tricks on me?
Insecurity - it has strike me again. Sigh... creeping up on me is also the fear - that my other "dark emotions" might start surfcaing me and overwhelm me, freaking him off. Yet I know.. if he is someone who is not able to have the luxury of time to spend with me - that will bring me into the zone of neediness. I don't want to miss someone too badly.. I don't want to desire and long to be with someone so much that it hurts... I dont want to start giving of my heart and soul, only to find the other person withdrawing. ...
I am just afraid.
Why?
Sigh.. thinking too much is the problem. He told me that I am the one complicating things.
I guess he's right. Sigh...
Ok lah I will sleep early tonight. Did not managed to sleep last nite bcos of 2 cups of late night coffee.
And it does not help that throughout today, I'm the one who initiated all the contacts to him - he just reply. Bad..... yes, bad. This is no good... No more. Cannot liddat lah.. wrong liao wrong liao. And I dont want to wonder why and assume wrong things, haha. Sigh... I gotta slow my heart down and cool my mind off.. (-_-) Haiya.. why I so liddat?...
Yet... the wise words of the master from Kungfu Panda "Yesteday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a Gift - that's why it is call the Present".
Why think so far ahead? Why anticipate the negative future?
I should treasure what I have today.
I shall treasure the gift of Summer's warmth given in my heart.
And yes, I will cherish the special memories of that romantic night at Bali Villa - haha!! How unexpected, how sweet! How confusing! Oh my... complicated.. complicated... ~!
Donno what the fug i am talking liao, but yeah, Zzz first bah.
*hug .. self hug*
Is it for real? Could it be true this time?
Love.....
I want to believe in it, yet I lack the courage to just fall into it, to rest and be assured, to embrace it. I feel afraid.. afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be a fool again, afraid to be deeply disappointed, afraid that its another passing cloud, afraid of another wolf in sheep clothing which I still dont seem to know how to detect.. afraid that I will ruin it with my overwhelming emotions and passionate desires once I unleash them from within me... .
Now, I just want to shrink, run, and withdraw - to hide..
Confusion fills my mind and heart, and it clouds the eyes i can't see clearly.
Reaching out to me is someone who seems genuine.. who seems to have come to know me in my unfiltered self and has liked me for who i am... (really??? hmm... he have not seen the worst of me!).. he also does not seem to be one who will give up easily but will stand by me, seems more mature and stable and wholesome and patient than me. Someone I felt I can respect, depend on, trust, give of myself to.... Or is this just my fantasy playing tricks on me?
Insecurity - it has strike me again. Sigh... creeping up on me is also the fear - that my other "dark emotions" might start surfcaing me and overwhelm me, freaking him off. Yet I know.. if he is someone who is not able to have the luxury of time to spend with me - that will bring me into the zone of neediness. I don't want to miss someone too badly.. I don't want to desire and long to be with someone so much that it hurts... I dont want to start giving of my heart and soul, only to find the other person withdrawing. ...
I am just afraid.
Why?
Sigh.. thinking too much is the problem. He told me that I am the one complicating things.
I guess he's right. Sigh...
Ok lah I will sleep early tonight. Did not managed to sleep last nite bcos of 2 cups of late night coffee.
And it does not help that throughout today, I'm the one who initiated all the contacts to him - he just reply. Bad..... yes, bad. This is no good... No more. Cannot liddat lah.. wrong liao wrong liao. And I dont want to wonder why and assume wrong things, haha. Sigh... I gotta slow my heart down and cool my mind off.. (-_-) Haiya.. why I so liddat?...
Yet... the wise words of the master from Kungfu Panda "Yesteday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a Gift - that's why it is call the Present".
Why think so far ahead? Why anticipate the negative future?
I should treasure what I have today.
I shall treasure the gift of Summer's warmth given in my heart.
And yes, I will cherish the special memories of that romantic night at Bali Villa - haha!! How unexpected, how sweet! How confusing! Oh my... complicated.. complicated... ~!
Donno what the fug i am talking liao, but yeah, Zzz first bah.
*hug .. self hug*
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