29/05 . Time-Out for Romance

I'm gonna take my mind off dating and romance for the season... Yeah~ It's time for the lake of my heart to be given some peace, to let the ripples settle... to let it return to it's state of serenity.

Was out this evening for a movie with a friend, and on the way back, she told me about a guy she got to know recently and the possibility of it turning into friendship with possibilities... she was in such bliss, and I could sense and see her excitement, anticipation... along with the loads of considerations of "what ifs" and hypothetical situations.. Deep down I was genuinely happy for her and I hope it turns out well! It is really hard to find a soul mate these days, especially one whose personality and mind and likes/dislikes are largely similar.. We talked and joked and YAY!!!! of course I will not miss the golden opportunity to tease her loads about it, as well as give her some caution from my shallow yet still painful personal experience. But she's much older and wiser than me and possibly less impulsive than I am.. she'll be fine.

Anyway, when I'm home and alone in my thoughts, I couldn't help but feel the pangs of lonesomeness and longing for someone too... and my mind flooded once again with memories which brought back some pain (geee.. it's still there~ well so? it'll take time..). So I cried a little - just to get it out of my system. But I guess, judging by the pathetic drips of tears that I managed to force out of my eyes, I'm probably getting better. I don't cry rivers anymore. buahahaahhaa....

I wonder.. when will I kiss another man again, with my heart soul desire and passion and lips, of course (and without the help of alcohol), and enjoy his loving embrace, feeling his affection and caress, knowing that he cherishes me and has honourable intentions of developing the relationship with me into something long term, possibly with marriage in mind, that we could both put in efforts to work it out. Hmmmm.... not in the near future, I reckon~!! SIGH...... Right now, I am feeling so vulnerable and fearful of giving my heart away and be disappointed. Again I admit, I'm just not so cool... Moreover, after my 3-months pseudo-relationsip with Captain Hook ended abruptly (by me via sms, I guess..) I am so hungry to experience those "loving feelings" again... the need to feel attractive, the need to be desired, the need for attention and affection from a desirable man..... that for a few weeks I dated any men who asked me out -even if we might've just started chatting online that very morning!!!! Of course, the dates are just ordinary drinks or dinner or movie - nothing juicy nor sizzling - except for.... hee heee heeee.. don't tell you yet~ (Ooooohhhhhh NOPE, let me clarify : I did not become "consenting" to these freak's or weirdo's advances nor did I behave promiscuously... - butyes I admit, I was hoping for romace, sigh~). And may I add, these guys are not even guys whom I would've considered in the past!! (the "be open, just making friends and beggars can't be choosers" mentality!) *gulp* O DEAR~ what has become of me? Am I really getting desparate? BETTER START GETTING A GRIP ON YOURSELF, VIV!!

I guess, I had my "rude awakening" when I found myself ridiculously missing and looking forward to meeting a foreign friend (whom I've never met but only exchaged emails with) and getting myself ridiculously disappointed (yes, I'm the one who set myself up for the disappointment) when he failed to contact me upon his recent relocation to this land due to a job change. Oh What the????? What's happening to me!?? And this friend, he's a nice guy, who just needs friends while in a new country - he is not even a "lover" nor "potential lover" nor "potential pursue-er" (anyway he's married, I think) and I knew quite little about him too... -- just an innocent fella minding his own business, who told me 2 weeks before his arrival day that he might wanna meet me for coffee on saturday (and I assumed it is the immediate saturday) after he arrived on Tuesday. I was greatly excited.. (overwhelmingly excited, in fact... so much so that I must have sent him 5-6 messages on Friendster!!! *blush*) .... and for the 2 weeks preceding his arrival, the thought of having coffee with this friend to catch up and tell my life stories and meeting someone new kept me going (like a little girl looking forward to a party in 2 weeks' time).

And then finally, the day he arrived in Singapore came. No news. The next day. No news. Saturday came and gone. No news. And he had not checked for my messages hence he had no idea I had kept Friday to Sunday open for him. Yeah, and silly me, I took his word for it and actually kept the day open (the only thing on my schedule is a 60mins Bachata dance lesson - last lesson anyway)... and NO NEWS still... In the end I went to gym (AT LAST!!!! my 1st visit in 2006!!!!!) and then spent the rest of the evening watching a lousy boring R-rated Korean movie with my buddy (once again, I fell prey to deceiving movie reviews...hahahaah~!!), thankfully it was always a fanastic time to be with her. Absolutely fantastic!! At least I got to talk through my confusion with her, my disappointment, and of course, return the favour - but mostly, I always tend to dominate the.. erm.. conversations.. buahahahahaha..~~

Anyway, back to the story..... : The initial anticipation and excitement I had for meeting up with this new friend turned into deep disappointment and frustration (which baffled & puzzled me), and finally to feeling downright silly and foolish and bruised in my ego (yet knowing its all just me the dingbat getting all confused and emotional again~). Hence............... when I should probably be absolutely elated and delirious to finally receive 4 or 5 return messages from him on Friendster the following Tuesday (one week later) - I was totally pissed off by them!! So pissed off I never did reply them as I normally would do so immediately - if I replied there and then, I thick I would be absolutely acidic and negative in my reples. Hence, I guess silence is the best reply I could managed that evening. Nevertheless he did ask for my forgiveness for contacting me so late.. and left me his new email contact, asking me to write him... but that only made me feel more anal: --> Hey, he has my mobile number, he has my private email address, why should I be the one to flood his emails again??? What should I say anyway??? I still have some dignity left, I think. GAH, Yes, and lots of pride. Huuurrrrrrrmmmph~!!!!

Anyway, after I've simmered down, I went back to those replies of his, and heeheee... they are rather sweet, actually. *blush* But..... I no longer know what to say to him or how to say it... I felt confused and silly. I made the mistake (again~!?) of waiting for someone - for his call -when I should've get on with life-.... but set myself up for disappointment instead *cue Madonna's song "Hung Up"* So when he wrote that he'll call me for kopi soon, I have to tell myself to cool it and not get myself excited again for nothing, it's probably another lip service I'm getting~ (but honestly, sigh.... I'm still waiting.. much less consciously, but yes, still expecting, still remembering). Oh, get a life, Viv~ Not everyone follows through on what they say. Not everyone is like me, and I shouldn't expect them to meet my standards. Yet I must remind myself not to become too much of a skeptic, because there ARE still people who has that mark of excellence. In fact, sometimes I felt ashamed that they are the ones who followed up on me - beating me to it!!!! On the opposite end... I recall recently how amused and slightly pissed off I felt after missing lunch & rushing to make sure I'm on time for an appointment - only to have waited for about 20mins before the person showed up... and this person, upon seeing my concern that we might be late for the activity, told me to "relax and take it easy". Grrrr.... HEY!!! usually I'm the one who is habitually late!! hahahahaa..... but at least I apologise and try call to say I'll be late ... instead of telling people to "relax lah~" after they've paid the price to be there on time and waited for you .... SSsssss..sssss....Ssss...

IF you've been reading my posts religiously... you probably would have realised I'm a person who always examine my emotions by asking myself and analysing why am I feeling what I am feeling or why did I react in such a manner. So I did.... and after thinking it aloud... (to my buddy) I found myself being utterly ridiculous!!!!!!! Poor fella, he is innocent and oblivous and ignorant of all these.... poor guy (Yet I got pissed with him - Women!!!! tsk tsk tsk... impossible to understand~) He is just like any ordinary guy who just (prrrrrrr...tttt...) say: "hey let's catch up soon" or "let's have a coffee some time" and the "soon" might not literally mean "soon" - and I took it for real - (Oh dear~ is this a sign of desapration? - but nawwww... I guess its just me taking people's words too seriously.... maybe I need to learn to "relax lah~" buahahahaha....!!) Moreover.. meeting him.. is not even for a "date" nor anything romantic!!!! Why am I expecting him to already to meet any standards??? Am I having some romantic notions and heaping expectations upon him????!!!! Poor guy. OH NO!!! I BETTER NOT!!!!!!! GAH. I'm such a mess. I can't imagine if some guy somewhere --maybe just a male colleague from another country whom I've never met personally-- have such kind of expectations of me... I'll probably freak out if I get to know that when I go to his country for a meeting/visit he became overly excited to meet me, got disappointed because I was too busy to or unable to contact him while there, and he got pissed off at me for that??? Ridiculous!!. BUAHAHAHAHA.... Yes, sigh~ it is utterly ridiculous. Anyway, now that I've realised my mistake, its time to ...erm... detangle my emotional mess..... and heal.

And so... I brooded a little over my emotional life a bit tonight (while in the shower, and while folding my freshly dried laundry)... and came to this decision. Yeah, let me take my mind totally (if I could) OFF any hopes or ideas or possibilities or dreams of meeting someone nice to fall in love with / start a relationship with etc for the time being -- and FOCUS on other aspects of my life. I'm determined to spend the next few months going gym regularly to burn those cubes and KGs of fats off, tone up my body, strengthen the core muscles (probably get a PT's help due to my back and knee problems..) so that at the end of the next 6 months I could be physically fit, and feel better, look better (yes, I do look better slimmer and 10 kg lighter!). I'll focus on my loved ones, my buddies, and of course the new friends I've made and plan to keep (yes, there are a few genuine nice people I've met). And if you are reading this blog post, you needn't wonder if you fall into the above category --- OF COURSE YOU ARE, silly! (ok.. You are, ppppppreciousssss~ *in Golum's voice*)..

Anyway, I have not gone on anymore dates recently - the last one being arranged by IJL (damn pathetic choice they selected - I'm so pissed off with the agency) and ONE last one to go. I really kissed my S$900 good bye in terms of meeting guys of my criteria. But not all is lost, I've gained some dating experiences, and have outgrown my initial social shyness, PLUS I've an idea of what I don't want and what I preferred in the kind of men I wanna meet. I believe none of the guys I've known recently (either via chat or match.com or Friendster) is likely to make any advance on me, so I'm safe ...yeah, ok that sounds kindof very KNS, somewhat hyprocritical and ironic - but it's true - because that means I won't have any hopes to entertain. Feels kind of sad to be so pessimistic, but I guess, this is how I'm dealing with reality right now. We cope the best way we can. The best way I can cope now is to retract back and hide in my tortise shell... hop back into my well... till I feel stronger to try again.

I should also just take my picture off those websites or shut the account down altogether. Cut off these sources of distraction, confusion and false hope for a while.... I've not been in the chatrooms for the past few weeks either, I guess I have heard enough of the horror stories and felt so disgusted with the things that goes on... I've had my fun and time to move on to other interests and experiences. I'll just take the one or two nice friends I've made along in my new journey.. and this reminds me.. what happened to El Gato my new found favourite bitching post? Hadn't seen him online for awhile...

Of course, knowing me, I know that all the above might be just a pile of shit (or empty talk) once someone exciting comes along, or something unexpected develops out of the ordinary friendships I am maintaining. buahahahahahaha.... OK, let's wait and see.

But yeah, as of right now... froggie wanna jump back into the safety of the big big well and hide in the clefts for a while till she stops shivering.

Hence I will try to focus on doing my job well, keeping my body fit, spend quality time with family and people who meant something to me, pick up new skills, try new things, and most of all, I WILL LOVE ME. I will love me tenderly, affectionately, sweetly, kindly. I also will love my fats. haw haw haw haw haw..... and YES!!! I will have the courage to be imperfect.

Well, talking about being imperfect, I realised that recently I have become a little fiesty. Hmmm... is that good or bad?? I have also been bold enough to be bitchy when I'm not happy with bad customer service attitudes or levels - but I am not sure if its because those "victims" seemed "bully-able". (yarlah-yarlah I know there's no such word lah~). I used to be so nice, so helpful, so amiable, so "doormat-able", so gracious, so kind, never say a hard word, never criticise aloud, never curse nor speak profanity.... what happened??????!!!!!!!!!!!! Were those hypocrisy in the past??? But I guess.. I had enough of being too nice. Argh~ I actually like my identity now, however, I should still keep an eye on myself and not to turn into a monster nor a bitch. Sigh~ anyway, I don't know WTF I'm whining or rambling about righ now. Maybe its because its already 3.57am. hur-hur...


OK, thank you, for surviving yet another long blog entry by moi. Love for you and me.
Muacks~


(do me a favour, leave me a comment "xxx was here" - and xxx being your name or nick or initials so I know you've visited, can?)

22/05 . OH~ mmmamaamia!! Help!!!

Baby Dave was over at our place last Saturday on the 6th. Upon arrival, he was rather .. erm.. in a not so happy baby mood, probably due to the warm humid weather...

Mum was in the midst of getting some things ready for the baby, and I have been tasked with MISSION IMPOSSIBLE : entertain the baby!!!!

So I did.

I took him.. and brought him to my room... show him around and try to interest him with "things".. sat him at my desk.. and HEY~!! Let's try the webcam on him! Capture the Aunt & Nephew moments....

FAILED. haahhahahaa.... here're the results :



OH NO!! No NO no NO no NO!! Please don't start crying now!!
ARRGGGHHH... I'm at my wits end!!! Where's mum!!!??? FASTER COME!!!! Ohh mamamamiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

But... Ohhh... how I love his cutsie baby noises!! (voice, I mean!)

Minutes later.. he was in a much calmer mood...



Some said the Aunt is cuter. Heh~

07/05 . Happy Mother's Day!

Dearest Mummy,

Today is Mother's day!!!!! and I wanna tell you this :

I love ya, Mummy!
Thanks for all that you've done for me.....

I have been a great source of worry for you, and have caused you much pain. I really wish I could make you truly happy for me and be free of anxieties that kept you sighing for me.

Thank you for the S$50,ooo (and more) that you've loaned to help me through the most foolish debt of my life... I will not lend money to people beyond my means again. It was foolish of me, so foolish ... that all my earnings had been channeled into paying this debt incurred to help out in another entity's situation. But I'm so glad... in a few monthz time I would have repaid all that I've owed you, making me debt free and then I can start giving you and dad some love gifts, heh.... so sorry for the past 10 years I've not been able to give to you and dad like all children do...

But I know you're so glad and comforted.. that I've finally found a new permanent job - and get opportunities to travel to Europe! Sorry for making you worry so much about my career and livelihood and source of income. You know I have no savings right now and hence no finances to cover me if there should be any crisis, and you know I don't have good money-sense and is always too generous, hehehehe... that's why you're always nagging at me and reminding me NEVER to loan money or lend money again - despite knowing I will loose my patience to listen and scowl (black face) and be stubborn.

Nevertheless, I too, hope to make this new job successful...., I promise, I will do my best to perform at work and put on my best attitude and be resilent during tough hours. So far I've been truely happy at work, mum - not like the previous few permanent jobs. The folks seems to like me and I feel I can blend in and get along with them. The bosses are quite fair, treats me nice nice and the environment is so far so positive. I feel motivated though there's really a lot of things for me to handle and some of which I have no idea how to do it. It does seem that long hours might again be expected for this job, but NO WORRIES, MUM! I will still try to find time to go out and "park tor" and try to make more friends (men). I know you're always kind of disappointed when you realise I'm going out with my girlfriends instead of going out on a date. hehehe....

I know you're worried too, that at this age of thirty plus four (and will turn 1 year older by end of the year....) I still have not found a man to love, nor have met anyone who would take good loving care of your silly goofy stubborn naive lazy endearing guilable pui-pui and .... blah blah blah~... daughter. You're worried about the new friends I'm making from the internet and you're worried that these are freaks and wolves who will take advantage of me or ruin me. Sigh.. and yes, mum.... indeed...., I've really met some freaks & perverts so far, and do felt quite disappointed too. And I dare not tell you... that my heart has been broken by one of them (my own fault lah..) and I know that from day 1 when I mention to you about him you were already disapproving of it. And when my heart & emotions are in turmoil and bleeding.. I had a hard time hiding it - I know you could tell it from my body language and my sighing (which I was not even conscious of) that something is bothering me. I'm sorry about my lousy defensive attitude when you try to probe.. I told you I'm just feeling kindof bad tempered due to the warm humid weather... because I know you will be upset with me being such a silly fool and curse that bastard if I tell you all about it.

Anyway, finally I did tell you about it, though I say its cool, its over, no loss and don't worry, I felt such devastation. But I guess you could only see me acting nonchalent about it..like it is nothing, so cool, wah your daughter so cool and in control.. Hmmm..... Sigh~.. By the way, THAT is the first "pseudo-relationship" of my life, mum. I did had some romantic good times, but the rest are really bad. It hurts me that I had to hide it from you.. it pains me that I can't run home and tell you all about how wonderful this guy is or how much I'm hurting bcos of him.. I cried and cried and cried rivers of tears at night in my room feeling so confused and abandoned and worthless and mistreated... yet knowing its not true that I'm worthless -- and no man who made me feel this way is worthy of me, and I wish.. someone.. or you.. could come and hug me and tell me its alright. I just don't know how to tell you. maybe I just don't want you to worry.. I know you will be on my side. Really, I do wish to make you my best friend , but .. I wish I know how ... but I will try..

And dear mummy, I do really wish to meet someone whom you will like too, someone you'll be proud that your daughter is seeing or eventually marrying. I know you're not the superficial kind of mum but all you wanted for me is my happiness. Your opinion and approval do meant a lot to me, that's why sometimes, I filter information that might shed a negative light on the friends I'm going out with - especially the men I'm dating - and especially if I knew them from the internet. But its true, so far, other than a few - the rest are a disappointing lot. I do admit, I am beginning to get disillusioned. But thank you for not rushing me. Thank you for not using any words on me that devalue me for being unmarried and unattached at this age.

Hahahaa... I still remember your words, when you ask me am I really sooOOOoooo pathetic that no men EVER took an attraction to me??!!?? It was such disbelief you had. But I am happy to tell you, mum, that yes - recently there's been quite a few men who was attracted to me -- however I did not pursue anything with them (except one, of course) because they seem unreliable and are men looking for flings, or have some freak fantasies they're looking to me to help satisfy. Men that are questionable. I dare not tell you that I even dated an Indian man and went for a movie. He expressed attraction for me, said he has fallen for me and that I "turn him on". And he asked me to join him for a drive up to Malaysia for the weekend. Of course I turn him down!!!! I'm not such a woman - I still want to guard my reputation. As for the UK guy, I know you're rather excited that I'm going to date an angmoh, and was rather disappointed that I didn't really like him. Yes, I told you he was too mushy mushy, but I didn't tell you, mum, that all he want from me is a good blowjob throughout his life!!!!! That he will provide me emotional & material support or "love" and companionship, ONLY if I'm happy to cuddle up like a little girl and suck his d*** like a milk bottle and drink his milk everyday, plus some other quirks.. HOW DO I TELL YOU ALL THESE!!!!????? Sheesh~ No way I wanna be "loved" for the sole reason for being a world-class cocksucker! You've given me more and greater gifts than that!!! I have a much greater sense of worth and dignity than that!!! WTF!!!

I have lots of guys who wrote me from a few internet friendship sites, but most of them are just in love with my photo, I think. They will tell me they love my smile and want to be friends... oh how shallow. But can't really blame them, I did put my nice sweet pictures (can't bear to post my worse pics of course!!!~ I may look stupid but I am not stupid! hur-hur~) And yah, I know... you're worried that if I continue to put on weight, I'll be so fat and ugly and no men will pay me any attention... yeah, I think I'm worried about the same thing too. sigh..... and I am not getting any younger.

Right now there's another angmoh married (WTF??!!) man that seem interested in me and was expressing all kinds of lustful desires for me, saying he felt a special connection, wish to cuddle me, and bet the first time we meet we will surely kiss passionately. *roll eyes. Sigh, where are all the good single men??????? Anyway, it turns out, he is saying the same things to another lady friend of mine.

It's really hard to meet a good decent noble man out there, mum. Plus I do seem to be rather selective. I like a guy who speaks well and who can really interact with me. I like him to be fun and charming too, with a witty sense of humour that is not too distasteful. I like a guy who enjoys food, and hopefully he'll be in awe of your cooking! Also, somehow, I still prefer those who are musically inclined and like songs and music. (I tried dating a few guys who are tone deaf or have no sense of liking for music and I totally felt turn off). And of course, it'll be great if he holds a good job and is financially stable, so that you don't have to worry for me, because you know he can take care of me if ever I loose my job or had children or whatever. A man who will have time for me, who knows how to treasure and cherish me and not take me for granted... sigh.. is that a tall list? Oh yes, let's not forget about movies and TV. hahahahahaha...

Sadly, there was a few men.. whom I actually favour... but I guess I'm too shy or too proud or felt too vulnerable to express how I feel about them, or the feelings or attraction is not mutual. Oh well~ their loss, I suppose. heheheheheheeh...

Really, mum, I want you to be happy for me and glad for me.... and I'm sorry that so far, I have been far from being able to make you truly happy and glad for me.

Lately, you've been worried about Aunt Nai's financial situation too, and your teeth problems.. and I know you feel depressed at times when you see yourself aging... I wish I could have the finances to settle all that for you - prevent you from loosing all your good teeth, send you to slimming spa packages to give you a nice trim figure, skin laser treatments to rid it of the lines and pigmentations and other flaws or signs of aging... and travel to countries with you to see the world and enjoy & experience the sceneries and nature.

Right now, I promise to stay focused and work hard on the job, and try not to spend $$ too unwisely (ooops~), and try to travel next year with you together. I will try to start my exercise soon, and keep fit, so that you 'll not worry about me looking like a hippo and no men will want me. hehehehehe....

Oh, and thank you too, for bearing with my piggy lifestyle : I really made a pigsty out of my room. It is forever messy and dusty and you just don't understand how I could put up with such an environment. heh... Thanks for removing my bedsheets and washing them (though you know I'll complain silently abt you leaving it for me to spread them back myself), and for helping me with my laundry sometimes.

Thanks for the yummy good food you cook for me (you're the best cook in my world!), and for making me feel loved and cherished, and for letting me know how much you appreciated my company as well - You need a friend too, and I know there must be millions of things you wish you could confide in me or just get it off your chest -- but I am rarely there for you. I try to have more afternoon weekend tea with you!

I love you mum, and appreciate you very much. I will try to remember to be a better daughter, a better friend, a lesser worry for you, a greater source of your pride and joy.

Happy Mother's Day~ and wishing you good health and good health and GOOD HEALTH and youth and youth and YOUTH and happiness and happiness and HAPPINESS!!!!

Love,
Ying


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 hours later.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erm.... heh.... paiseh... *blush..
Just realised that I'm a week too early for this letter. Mother's day is prob next week on the 13th May. hehehehehe...
The dingbat strikes again!!!! Cheh~, and I was really typing the above with full emotions and tears streaming down my face! At one point, Mum came into my room to ask me what I'm busy with (because its time to go pick up my brother from the airport).. and saw me with wet puffy eyes and I was quickly sucking in my mucus flowing from the nose... Told her I was reading something touching online. hwah-hwah-hwah-hwah.... I felt so tickled about it now.
But anyway, mum's not supposed to read whatever's above. Sigh....
I feel so lonesome today. I'll live. I'm still doing fine, and alive, and has the potential to be happy. YAY!!!!

- 8.33pm, 7 May 2006

06/05 . Fat Cat named Tweetie

Heh Heh Heee... found my look alike ..
Awwwww..... wish this cat's mine! I'm naming it after moi!~

*hug hug hug .. pat-pat... koochi koochi kooo...
I MUST have a cat of my own in this life time. I MUST.


Tweetie the fat cat *purrrrr...rrr.r.rrrrr

01/05 . Awww... How sweet~

Aint they sweet? It made me wanna be this kitty.. and hopefully my man the doggie. hehehehe.... It's kind of romantic, this picture.

Gee.. am I in heat again?

01/05 . Just some Blah Blah Blah...

Blah Blah Blah...
Blah Blah Blah...Blah Blah Blah...
Blah Blah Blah...Blah Blah Blah...Blah Blah Blah...
Blah Blah Blah...Blah Blah Blah...Blah Blah Blah...Blah Blah Blah...Blah Blah Blah...

Blah Blah Blah...

Hehehehehe...

Yes, I'm absolute absolutely bored.

I'm supposed to be clearing the rubbish from my room and cleaning it up this long weekend, but I've spent it so passively dozing and watching TV or just eating. heh. Now I'm on a guilty trip.

Have been badly bitten by bed bug lately, and finally caught that devil. However, are there more?????? Sigh.. this is really a disturbing thought. *scratch-scratch-scratch.

I'm just so paranoid. *scratch-scratch

01/05 . I'm back!!!

My dear dear friends who have been my blogders (blog-readers),

First of all, forgive me for shutting down the blog for a while, and also changing the url name. I have made the mistake of letting a guy - whom I've gotten emotionally involved - into my blog. He loved the way I wrote, and hence I was eager to let him read my blog too. BIG MISTAKE. He practically reads it daily and and left my blog as a permanent opened window on his PC so he will not miss an update (so he says -- anyway, I bet he didn't even noticed I have shifted my blog address). I was flattered at first, but then... I have always been a person who need to reserve some of my private thoughts and feelings from others, or the direct person I am interacting with.

And largely due to that reason, I was afraid to put down how I was really thinking and feeling, because it made me very vulnerable, as well as.... some of my honest thoughts will probably jeopardize an already complicated situation. I was afraid that I might be misunderstood as well, because if I were to pen my fears, will it be taken as emotional blackmail? Do I want to write down how much I desire & admire him or my fantasy & hopes and dreams of him and scare him away (perhaps in doing so gave him the secrets to controlling/manipulating me)???Do I want him to know how insecure or negative I feel? And do I want him to read about how pissed and petty I am and potentially have that start a fight? And do I write down my doubts and suspicions of him and the incongruent things he said?????? NOPE. Therefore, my silence... and just posting of some "safe" entries.

Anyway, soon I will write an account of this "affair" (summerized) from my perspective. And of course, I won't let people in on my blog again - those whom I date or might get emotionally involved,- Except for one - you know who you are, you're the one who inspired me on starting the blog and a friend and somewhat soulmate. Anyway you no longer date me, so its ok, hehehehe..

Anyway, my so called "LOVE EPISODE" is way OVER. hahahaa... I was really too quick to say the word "I love you", and you bet, it will not be so quick in future. I thought it was love, but I guess not. This experience has definitely left a hole in my heart and some scars, and I will try not to let anymore freaks sway me with their cheaptalk so easily anymore. Sigh..... Yes, my last entry seems rather ridiculous too, getting so depressed just becos a guy didn't call for 2 days? Well, I was not in the mood to give the background of the story, but I will -- in the summary account, and you'll understand why I was so frustrated.

There was this post I read, written by a Singaporean lady who works and live in Hong Kong (woah~ I love the way she writes!) and something she wrote expressed to some extent what I was going through (in the beginning), but of course from a different tone (mine will be more heart wrenching confusion heartaches, instead of bliss). Anyway, here's an extract :

[Sash -- A Babe In Toyland] : "I am having the time of my life right now. Personally, socially, sexually and for once, a little bit emotionally. This is unique, unusual and unexpected. And for someone with as unconventional a view of life as me, it is also extremely hard to come by. There is a lot going on that I am not ready to write about yet. Not because I am afraid of looking silly and absurd in front of you (now that is a long lost cause if ever I saw one!) but because I don't want to chase away the delicate grace-notes that are floating by and ground them into a structured orchestral opus as yet. As beautiful as that score may be, there is a time and place for everything. And now is my time to capture the moment, to feel inspired, to think foolish thoughts and dream imprudent dreams. I am storing up nuggets in my life-bank, stashing away as much as I can for the rainy days I see ahead. And if I suffer, for now I prefer to do so in silence. I am sorry I can't be more than just annoyingly vague but I know that you will understand. And be happy for me. You know, I will reveal more with time. "

If you're interested to read her blog, its at : www.singleserves.blogspot.com (However, please be warned of the adult content. hehehehe...)

The GOOD NEWS, my friends, is that I am now recovering back to my old zany wacky bubbly self, and soon I will update as much as possible my recent adventures, trips out of Singapore, photos, stories, new job and new dates (met some freaks from the internet and disappointing dates arranged by the Dating agency).

Through this period, I've grown. The most significant growth is the growth of my kingdom sideways of course! Wahahahaha... It's 1st of May, and I have not made it to the gym. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.... Teeheehee.. will be doing that soon, now that my distractions and depression is over. Time to get back on track.

Hugs for all of you (muuaaaaa~)
*_*

P.S... If you get notified that I'm renaming the url / location again, most probably I am hiding it again from someone I foolishly granted permission to read and regretted doing it. Hehehehe... Please bear with me then! I guess I'm just not so cool a gal. By the way, any guru can gimme some tips?