17/11 . Today

Today.

What can I say?

Just can't take it anymore when he sent that last sms to me... totally confused and hurt and disappointed, I spent 40mins hiding and crying my eyes out at the office toilet, and somehow my disappearance triggered the concern of a colleague who thought she saw me crying when she passed me by on my way to the washroom.. Carol came and found me and coaxed me out of the cubicle. Tried to stop crying but just couldn't... my heart was just breaking up again... and tears just continuously stream down my cheeks. Carol gave me a hug and I just sobbed loudly again in her caring embrace... I needed badly to be comforted, because today, I have broken up with me boyfriend. I have broken up with Paul. I cried for a little while more... and my tears ended for him. Today will be the last day I cry for him, over him, about him. Will that be possible? Well, there's always another today hahaha!!! Judging by my nature, my tears will not end here. But yeah, at least for now, its just flowing inward.

My heart felt ripped apart, and a final sense of disappointment and devastation took over. I just cannot go on any longer.

I have loved him with all I have, the best way I know how, done all I can... and today, I reached the end of my strength to hold on. I could not lift up my spirit anymore to tell myself I can still go on... one more mile.. one more day.. till the next crisis.

More or less, I know my well has run dry. Somehow his love for Hani and his ever changing reasons for why he don't want to lose her friendship forever has confused me to the point that I no longer know which is the true story. Also the hurry to delete his yahoo account. Was there a promise made to her that he's deleting it and she's holding him to his word, proving to her again? So must he delete his account within 3 days to save the friendship? Maybe its my own fault. I just lack the IQ to understand. But the greater issues don't lie here... the greater issue lies with him changing his mind ever so often and not living up to his words. My fault for taking those words too seriously believing that when he say he wants to do something he will do them. I think I'm just being too hard on him. I am suffocating him like a micro-managing freak of a manager. My expectations of him are unrealistic. I think, its all my fault. I'm not cut out for a relationship. I'm too emotional and I'm a psychobitch. And I dont have what it takes for a long distance relationship with a man who has kids he can't leave, a partner he's still living with, and a girlfriend he never want to lose, has limited time for me, can't contact me at will, has to hide me from partner and girlfriend probably lie to them that i am just a friend, and don't want me to wait for him.

At the rate of how he is changing his mind about things and forgetting what he promised me and his stand on "free will and all" where anyone can have the flexibility to change their mind... how do I stand upon his promises over a long term plan and all the stages towards having a married life with me? I remember repeatedly asking him... really? and his answer is.. "Really". Are you sure?? "Yes I'm sure". And now he's not sure anymore. But yes, I can't be so unfair, we're talking abt leaving his kids. Sigh.. but then what about promising me that he'll keep the account till end of the year? I pleaded "please stay for another month till end of the year". Then he said just 1 month. Ok fine.. and now ... today... he said, he'll delete it over the weekend. Without an apology. How did things come to such a stage? Its all my fault. I won't blame him. I'm just too uptight. Too rigid. Tough boss, hahahaha..

I have not want him to cut Hani off totally though it will be really nice. I had only want that he will fulfill his word to me... that he want to sort things out with her, to bring his relationship with her back to friendship. Yet he continues to delay it, giving in to her ultimatums, so till today, its still hide and seek between them. Till today, she will start a new account somewhere he will follow. She delete it out of anger and he will follow. When will it ever stop? When will they stop behaving like a fighting couple and behave like "only friends"? I know I was eager to see it happen because... it is only when he and Hani are no longer in a relationship then can he be free to love me (without considering Maria). Otherwise, she's still his "significant half" as she refers to herself now and then. Sigh... when will I take such a place in his life? When will I be able to say I love you and I miss you in a public place like 360? She can do that anytime. ANYTIME, and nothing will be wrong with that. She will not get a question from him asking "did you do that on purpose? what was that for?". Sad for me. Yet he don't see it this way... he just don't see at all. Even if he did, he forgets really fast.... once he has Hani's tail and shadows to chase. I'll just admit that I lack that magic Hani has that keep him so addicted to her.

Anyway, I can only blame myself again this time. By expressing my disapointments in him I surely have hurt him in return. Not what I want to do at all... I want my man to be so proud of himself that he's making me happy, that he knows how to make me happy and keep me happy, and that he is not to be blamed, that he is not a disappointment. Yet I think I've done the opposite, I have made all the mistakes. I guess... it doesn't matter anymore... today, I'm out of his life and free him from living in this torment of disappointing me and hurting me and making me cry. OK, not his fault. I'm the one that is prone to disappointments and hurts and a cry baby so it takes nothing to create those results. Its me. I'm the one that goes wrong.

I just want to be happy again. I just want to stop being so hard on him anymore. What can he do what can he give? Why am I so impatient and unreasonable? Why does things had to be so tormenting?

Anyway, its time to walk away. We'll be happier in our lives this way after some time. Without me in his life, he won't have to lie to Hani anymore. In fact he can tell her he sorted things out with me, I'm gone, he fixed it, please take him back. And he don't even have to tell a lie. She don't have to feel hurt anymore. YAY, happiness for everyone! I will just become a good memory perhaps...

Time will heal everything. Just a matter of how long. I think it will take a long time for me to get over him. He has become everything to me.. he has gotten so deep in my life, so perfect so dear.. its gonna be hard for me to walk away and move on with my life. Everything will remind me of him and our dreams to be together. In my heart I know I'll still wait for a miracle. And I know I'll miss him deeply and badly... he has been my addiction for the past 5 months. I feel so lost. So lost. So aimless. Dead.

He is my first love, my true love, probably will forever be my deepest love. I doubt I can ever love any man like the way I've loved him ever. It's been a wonderful dream. The sweetest one.

I love you Cupcake. More than you ever know.

14/11 . 360 nightmares once again

Finally wept when everyone in the office has gone home.

Due to everything... every brokenness I am feeling within me..

Why can't I but help feeling that he has been withdrawing from me? Though his reasons has been mostly due to the physical exhaustion, but it is beginning to seem he can do or cope with less of me. It makes me feel as though I am high maintenance and he is tired of meeting my needs for more of him.... in other words, he needs space.

First, he gently break the decision that he would stop taking calls during lunch so he can take a nap or read a comic book... i fully understand his explanation. He walks from home to work at 7.30am (and I'll call for 20mins along the way), arrives and starts work straightaway at 8am and non-stop walking standing till noon or 1pm for lunch break. During which he has to gobble up his salad and I will call, so he will walk outside and stand there in the cold to talk to me for 30-40 mins till Lunch break is over. Then back to standing walking nonstop till 4pm and he walks another 30 mins rushing home for dinner at exactly 4.30 or 5pm (during which I'll call for 20mins along the way). So he don't get time to rest at all like his fellow workers or time for himself.... if i were to call daily at lunch. I've been doing that for the past 2-3 weeks, on my end, its the best time ever.. because he is not on the busy noisey road dodging traffic while talking to me and I need not strain to hear what he is saying, plus he is not rushing to work or rushing home, its the best talk time, primetime!! ... Compared to the other 2 slots, hahaha.. OK but better than none!!! I hate the weekends because he can't talk freely at all.

Sigh.. anyway what I'm about to say is not fair to him, but it does seem that he probably don't miss me as much. He may really be missing me, but I guess he's really too exhausted and that will be the only opportunity to rest, and anyway it should be good enough that he's already giving me time to talk to him 20mins in the morning and 20mins later. But probably its an emotional baggage I've been carrying because of Hook.... I feel skeptical when a man constantly says he miss me yet has nothing but words to proof it, i.e. passive desire. How does it sound -- "I miss you so badly it hurts but please don't call me because I need to take a nap, or read a comic book"? People in love will lose sleep and seize every opportunity to be able to be together and talk till they eventually collapse. hahahah OK OK OK.... but those are my unrealistic and unreasonable expectations, and I know full well he is not trying to keep me off (oh but.. what if he really is but too nice to tell me????...) , and I know he is really tired (and old, haha.. ) and the job really does drain him out, plus the lack of sleep bcos he stay up late each night to MSN chat with me despite how tired he was (most of the times he has to wake up at midnight just to have the chat time with me)... in fact, he talked abt the idea of trying the free MSN mobile chat offer to see how he can still be in touch with me during his lunch yet allows him to sit and rest...

Am I helping to find excuses for him and denying my instincts? sighhhh.....

It's now 40mins past his lunch time and not a word from him. I miss him, I badly want to call him, but I know I have to hold it. He probably really need space and had an overdose of me. OUCH. I really should not call him anymore..... unless necessary, but I can't help it!!! I love him, I want to hear his voice, I miss him, I want his attention, I love to hear him talk and laugh.. sighhhhh) anyway, perhaps its time for me to go away. GOSH I feel like dying, the thought just gave me a seizure of pain in my heart. It's interesting how emotional pain can be felt so physically. Oh and let me digress... our heart has its own memory. And this memory is more powerful than the brain memory. Anyway.. erm... I wont go into details of this scientific research, hahahhaaa...


ACTUALLY...
I started this post because I was weeping over 360 nightmares again. He told me a day ago he will delete his current yahoo mail account entirely, it will result in his 360 account being killed off. Once again, I have to grapple with the agony of losing all his sweet words, tags, blog comments, messages written to me at 360. WHY??????? Why does it have to be this way each time? Friendster twice, and now 360 too. I feel robbed and stripped of all the treasures, love gifts & tokens of words from him, as though when he leaves he took everything away too, leaving no trace for me to look over whenI miss his words... sigh.

Making it a worse event is Hani writing him to tell him that she will be deleting hers (likely because he told her he is deleting his, so she's beating him to it). This is has really been a horrible game they seem to play to spite each other and I hate it. Whatever the real reason was it will seem to me that ONCE AGAIN, she leaves, and then he leaves right after or together, leaving me the one deserted with the empty carcasses.. No doubt the actual reasons for Paul deleting his account isn't that way, but somehow visually and emotionally for me it is as real as a case of history repeating itself. I couldn't deal with this picture in my mind and after the call with him, I broke down in tears in the conference room sobbing my heart out, its a freaking nightmare all over again...

In desparation I sent a pleading sms to him.. asking him if he could stay a month longer for me, don't let me feel that he has abandon me and leaving together with Hani.. (geez it seems so ridiculous of me now that I look back at it!!! URGHHHH~ no wonder he needs space hahaha!) ... Sigh... at least give me time to copy and paste over his sweet notes for me to somewhere (I am sentimental), and give me time to be emotionally and mentally prepared to see everything gone from my eyes once again. I'm glad he said yes. That meant a lot to me. Though he also said "but sorry it has to go" (hmm.. somehow he sounded annoyed, but I don't blame him, I know he's tired of this as well). I guess... by the end of the year, I would be fine and ready. Or maybe... I would have left. Gone. Finish. I don't know.

He has not had much time to write me mails lately as well, but I do know his constraints and exhaustion.... and some other new commitments. I won't be expecting daily mails as he had said he wanted to get into the routine of.. it stopped. But I know its not becos I stop sending him pictures, its because he has not been prepared for how exhausting and draining his work could make him, plus helping his kids with homework and Maria using the PC for extended hours. I stopped checking gmail eagerly for his mails also because I do not expect it anymore and I don't want to be disapointed. Hence I was quite surprised he actually wrote me 2 emails in the weekend... and I didn't know about them till he mentioned it.

But something has begin to trigger my concern about him and Hana. (Hana is his close friend from Czech). I think I'm just being overly sensitive and psychobitch. Will kill that thought for now.

I just know that things are starting to behave in the way that tells me I need to ease up on him and not suffocate him with my needs for his attention. I will try to hold the reins in when I badly wanna call him. Somehow I lost confidence in how much he desired my attention and time with me. I had been calling him, believing that this is what he really wanted to hear from me despite that he can't call so often due to financial constraints and he won't ask me to call because he's concerned about the cost on my end. Have I over did the calling?? Why doesn't he miss call me at all during the weekends though i keep asking him to do so when he misses me and wants to chat with me... he never did and does that mean he dont' really care if he talks to me or not? I know now.. I feel afraid somehow and I need to shrink into my shell and be coaxed out. Time for my darling to call me only when he really does miss me much, I guess. I wish he will stop worrying about the cost on my side, and I wish he would be less passive and misscall me so I would be able to call him back ... (its dirt cheap for me to call him, only S$0.048 per minute, i.e. S$2.88 per hour, that's less than 1 pound!!!!). When I whine about missing him too much, he would point out that I'm the one with all the free time and I should understand why he is tired and busy. YUP. He's right. Absolutely right. But guess what? I believe, I know will still be trying to get a call in to him be it for just a quick 10mins chat no matter how busy I am. I know I will, but he is not me. So I can't expect the same. OK... reminder to self : He dont' attempt to contact me doesn't mean he don't miss me or love me. In fact, he loves me more.

Gee, its a whole page again.. sighhh...

His lunch break came and gone. Nope I guess I'm not gonna be hearing from him.... yeah, I'm disappointed.. would have been nice to get a sms saying "how are you, i miss you during lunch". I miss him so badly.

Wonder when will I hear his voice again? Will he call later on his way home? Will he call me tomorrow instead when he's on his way to work? I hope he would. I hope and hope and hope and hope he would. Sighhh.. I need to manage my expectations.. lower it girl, lower it.

And remember... he loves you MORE.

14/11 . Dream a little dream

The past whole month has been a really sweet dream. Cupcake was like a different man.... touching me and melting my heart all over again. He started reading up the blog, read up all the emails I sent him and began replying them one by one. I felt overwhelmed and utterly taken aback by his surge of persistence, tenacity and effort..

It took me some time to let down my defences again and started warming up to him all over again. I was touched by his sincerity and love. And for the past month we have been intimately and closely in touch with each other via calls and chat... and mails. I am even more deeply in love, running full speed ahead again, embracing everything towards a future with him.

We dreamed together... a plan... many plans...

He speak to his colleagues of me as his girlfriend, so for the first time I have been acknowledged. I could feel that i am in a relationship with him. I so badly want to declare him as my boyfriend to my world too! To inform the rest of the world that "yes, I am single but my boyfriend is in London, we plan to marry in a few years time". I felt really closer to him, more intimately connected in our souls, and I do feel married to him already. There's just this sense of "married-ness" between us hahahahahaha~!! It feels so good and so perfect. There were a few times we call each other lovingly as hubby & wifey. Yeah ok i know I'm giving people goosepumps with the mushy stuff, but yes, that's how I feel about him. I feel married to him. I feel like we're married but apart... as though he's been sent overseas to work for a few years. Sighhhh... am I freaking anyone out yet? I know I sounded kinda psycho. This will freak guys off definitely.

AND....

I had the most special birthday ever because of him.. just couldn't stop feeling happy! His calls, his texts, his ecard, his emails, his tag for me in 360....EVERYTHING!!! I felt like the most special woman in the world, and he has made my birthday this year absolutely memorable and sweet... not forgetting my other friends of course! I felt so loved by him and so wanted by him and I know he loves me above the other women in his life.


Then ..... somehow...

the bad news starts again. This time, it seems, me and him might end for good.

I don't know what to do yet, just in deep pain. So deep I can't feel much.. still in denial I guess. Tears will just trickle down an expressionless face once in a while.

It was really really nice dreaming. I wish the harsh truth and realities of life can be kinder to us. I wish for dreams that can come true... the dreams that Paul wished together with me. A miracle for us.

Nothing dramatic happened this time....., just an honest answer from him, and the dream is broken.

No, its nobody's fault... we have to be brutally honest to ourselves eventually. I am glad he finally admits that it will never be possible for him to bring himself to leave his children. I do not need any further explanation nor justification from him why he needs to be there for them. I would never ask him to choose me instead of them... I know he loves them above everything. I only feel so dismayed that once again I've allowed my hopes to be raised, allowed my defences to be down... and crash headlong again.

We were excited about plans for our future... he was resolute to begin his priorities... mostly finances related :

::::: SHORT TERM PLANS
-- first pay Hani back the money she loaned to him - by December perhaps latest next Jan, then savings goes into a trip to Czech to see his friend Hana, then to France DisneyLand with M & the kids, then a Laptop, then clear all his current debts... and perhaps a trip to Singapore. This potentially will be achieved by end 2007.

::::: LONG TERM PLANS
-- over the next 2-3 years, obtain a flat where M & kids can finally be housed and settled safely. Can't remember the other sequences offhand... but if I'm not wrong.. he will then sort things out peacefully with M, then move out and back to his dad's place where they are now staying.. and after having set aside some savings for our wedding, he will then ask me to marry him. Our wedding will be in Singapore, then maybe a dinner in Malaysia then finally I will be back to with him for a Wedding held in UK where he can show me off to his friends.... Mrs Ying Burdon I will finally be. :o)

Frankly, when I happily tell my bosom friends about my dream with him... they ask me if I'm sure about it, and if he would really do it as he said he would. I know I fought hard to convince them that yes, this is the plan and this time he seems decided and all set to put it into action because he knows he wants to marry me and will not give up. They will give me their encouraging smile, wish me all the best, hope that I'll be happy and my dreams will come true.


Sighhhhh... it hurts so badly... that I embrace these dreams like a naive little girl. I was in cloud nine and walking on air, all excited again though i was trying not to. No, he did not lie to me... he wanted it as much as I want it. WE WANT IT. But to do that, he will have to tell his children that "sorry daddy can't live with you anymore because daddy loves aunty ying and will marry her". I guess that is a cruel thing for the kids to grapple with... considering that in 3 years time, they will still only be 10 and 14 years old. They are not at the age where they will feel happy and glad for their daddy finding true love with the chinese woman he wants to marry for life.. UNLESS the unhappiness & fights they see day-in-day-out at home between M & Paul had made their little hearts wished their dad could marry a nice lady and be happy. Hahahaha drama and movie scriptwriting am I? Believe me, I am not really laughing. I wish it could be like this.... how ideal. I've seen movies where the kids are the ones who tries to find their dad a wife or girlfriend, sighhhh... I wish... Ok stop dreaming.


So, if I lay all the cards out on the table now, we'll have :
~* Card 1 -- Paul willing to be cruel to his kids and hope they will understand that daddy is still nearby will see them regularly but just not living with them once he marries Aunty Ying, hence I will continue to stay and wait for Paul till day of fulfillment of dream.
~* Card 2 -- Paul confirms it is impossible that he will change his mind now that he has think it through and he will never think of not living with his kids and does not see the possibility of marrying me, hence time for me to end this pain and move on with life.
~* Card 3 -- (This is the Wild Card...) Any miraculous turn of events allowing our dreams to be together possible (e.g. M kicked him out and want him out.... or M disappeared with the kids one day and can't be traced... or M found new love married the man and leave the kids to Paul... WOW!!!) , hence the false hope I could hold on to stay and wait a while longer, riding through the romance, giving it a chance.

I believe neither Paul or I know what to do right now. I know we just want to be together knowing we can never be.... I believe we only have Card 2 as the option, spelling The End of our sweet dreams. With all my heart, I wish to hold on just for the sake of a miracle... the Wild Card.

I will have to find a way to survive this crash and move on. Can I really? Everything in me refuse to wake up from the dream.... everything in me wants to carry on deceiving myself. Until he is able to make a choice and stick to it then can there be the glimmer of hope for us to be together one day. Can he marry me without leaving his children? Will there be the best of both worlds? I love him deeply but I know I don't have the greatest love in the world to wait 10 years in hopelessness and disappointment. A day goes by without him already drives me insane. But...... I can wait 2 years, I was willing to wait 2 years, and eventually when it has reached 2 years and if at that point he is already in the midst of actively sorting things out and putting the plans in action... I will stay till the day it is brought to fulfillment even if it means another wait of 2 years... because he is already halfway there. But now, i can't even see the 2 years because he is changing his mind again, I dont blame him. His children needs him more than I would - it will always be in this priority, I guess. Its just too bad for me, too bad for him.

It has been a sweet dream. I hate to wake up from it. Why why why? Why does it has to come to such a sad end?? Is there another way out?

God, please help me find my way. Please grant me a miracle.

06/10 . One email from him and I'm staying. Urgh.

One email from him melt me down and all my resolutions to leave crumbles -- even though the tone of voice in that mail seemed like he was pissed off, exasperated, exhausted and have the "fine, do what you want, take care" edge. I had wished for something more tender and sweet, perhaps.

Am I so weak-willed? What's his magic? Was it the threat that he won't chase after me? Anyway, I have the feeling that in future he will probably not chase either. Just leave. Dont' tell him you're leaving because that means you want him to chase. sigh. I don't know what the fuck i am saying. Why am I so hopeless and defenceless against him? Why do I crawl back to him each time I want to leave and hide from my pain? But I know, I was all set to leave and die to everything and not just crying wolf about leaving. I said I will stay, but for how long? Can I really really stay? My heart still bleeds with every time i see him flirting and setting time apart for Hani, I have reached the point where I will only believe he loves me if she is not in a relationship with him anymore --i.e. she is clear they are just friends, he can come singapore on his own agenda without reporting to her and laying conditions as though it is a negotiation just to meet with me. How about him coming here because he want to SEE ME and spend time with me but on the condition that he also gets to celebrate her birthday while he is here because he had promised her 6 months ago -- that will be a nice twist isn't it? And if they are just friends then who the fuck is she to get upset or question him if I am going to meet him in London?? and if they are friends maybe then he can tell her that he loves me -- anyway i won't demand that, that's too hurting, maybe just tell her that he no longer is in love with her and no longer acknowledge the relationship and he is telling her not asking for her approval. sigh.

But with all recent happenings, i have observed that he will probably never bring up the subject of just being friends with her, and never sorting things out with her. Because until now, he has not rock the boat concerning me at all. I am not asking him to, because i know there are other things like Maria and kids to worry about. And I know he wants to be Mr Nice Guy and not bring hurt to her, not be the guy who betrays her. Oh, if this is the case, stop loving me. In life you have to make tough choices sometimes. Sigh I don't know what I want either. I know they have been best friends, and he does enjoy her company. He does want her as a friend forever. I am struggling with being a selfish woman... but why should I put up with these? I need answers. I need to know!!!! And the irony is.. he knows me well enough to trust me in not doing things that will create storms. Hahaha isn't it sad? He trusts me to lie low. He trusts me to live like a mistress in a secret love affair.

Anyway, he told me something that worries me about him and immediately i want to return as his listening ear, to share his woe and pain or what he is going through. sigh. I know I still love him deeply and that is something that will not change so easily. In the first place, he is my best friend and soulmate. I want to be there for him when he needs me, I want to be there in his dark hours, I want to be there to share any ups and downs. It breaks my heart yesterday I was not there to share his joy when he get the good news about his job. I guess i want to leave him and everything because i felt I was a spare tyre, because i felt there is someone else that matters more to him than he realised, and I am left standing in the shadows of his life whenever she takes centre stage. That discourages me in staying around seeing him dodging and hiding me though he fought fearlessly for me each time anyone tries to say anything bad about me. I guess my staying power is not strong enough. I guess I need him to hold on to me when I lack the strength or sanity to hold on anymore.

In his email he said he admire my "strength" to be able to just drop everything and walk away. He is so wrong about me. It is because I have no more strength left to hold on, that talk we had left me with nothing to hold on to... and I had wish... that when i have no more strength to hold on he would hold me instead.. and give me new strength to hold on too. In the first place before I met him I have never been deeply in love with any man - all crush and infactuations that never materialises into anything, never confessed except for Hook and Phil where I took the courage but ended up flat in my face, never been in a real relationship where both of us work things through to stay together--- I am not equipped with the kind of experience and maturity to handle things properly rightly calmly steadily.

For me to decide to leave, it meant I was ready to let a part of me die. Definitely not a painless quick death. It will be slow death, as though I have slit my wrist to slowly bleed to death, but hidden away from him. He will never know what leaving him will do to me. I will be cutting off my own limb. And have to live on without a limb. I guess I tend to do drastic things like cutting off my arm just because a finger is in pain, hahahahah oMG i kinda feel silly now. That's what I like about me, I know how to laugh at myself. Sometimes i am very amused by my own sick jokes. But it does makes sense sometimes to cut off the limb that threatens to hold on to something that will eventually bring death to the rest of the body. Cut it off, live with the pain, live without the limb. From the way he held on to Hani, he will continually bring pain to me and that removes the little joy both of us can enjoy in the long term.

Actually to be fair to him... sigh... he did chase me back before. It was when I was in such pain from Hani & Phil's email that I had wanted to just get out of their lives forever. Paul was the one who persisted with me and he texted, emailed and chatted with me online. I had wanted a break of silence because of hani but he will hear nothing of it. Eventually i was only successful in keeping silence for 1 day. He won my heart with his persistence and I absolutely melt and was swept off my feet. Moreover at that time he wasn't persisting with me to start a relationship, he was persisting with me to stay as friends.

Actually he is so silly. Sigh.
In his email he said he will not waste time to reply my mails or leave me comments or even read my blog if I'm leaving. He have no idea that will be a fatal mistake. That is the very thing that push me off the cliff when I say I'm gonna jump. He had no idea that the key to bringing me back is to write me mails, to persuade, to explain, to fulfill promises .. because I had became discouraged with waiting to see things happen. I am not so hard to pleased you know.. in fact my friends know how easy it is to pacify me. I am now beginning to see why "Acts of service" ranks above Physical Touch in the 5 love languages ranking for me. I feel loved when he shows that he does things out of love for me. Sigh. And I dont' know why men will think that they are wasting their time trying to get to know me or winning me back. Am I not worth the chase at all? Am I not worth an additional email an additional attempt? Am I not worth the effort?

It saddens me that he thinks he will be wasting his time if he writes to me. I have told him so many times... His words.. every comment and email are precious to me (OK except those that indicates Hani's crippling effects on him and except those that he tell me go away get a better life). Daily I check my mailbox countless times hoping to see something coming from him. To the extent I made a final plea that he will write me 10 emails for 10 consecutive days. The last time he said he would do that lasted for 2 days and something happen that stop it and he never did return to it. This time it halted at Day 3... which is fine because he was having chronic toothaches and bad migraines and I know he really really wanna do it. But I blew up at him and he stopped. I hope he will continue, I really really hope. Sigh.


He agreed to read my blog this time. I am nervous about it now. What if he read something that totally made him want to give up forever? What if he read and felt that I have totally wronged him and misunderstood him and felt discouraaged? What if he read and felt guilt and felt responsible for the pain I was having and decided to once again push me away so-called set me free let me go so he won't play a part in causing me further pain? That will be the biggest regret i would have for this year. Because I was the one who wanted him here to read. sigh. I am so contradictory, and I am so ironical, and I am so ... such a pain in the ass. Yet I know, it is very important to me that he understands my fears, feelings, thoughts and then maybe address them, tell me I am wrong, agrees with what I said or just comprehend what I have grappled and wrestled with in my world. After all, he is my soulmate. BUT... Will he have the courage to stay and love me after reading all these? He was dragging his feet to come... i can't remember the reason he gave, but i think it was because the doubts I have towards him would hurt him, and leave a mark on him. i only hope he will be able to bounce back. And I wish he has a blog too, so i can read his mind.


Yesterday I have only eaten : For breakfast, 1 Fereira Roche from Carol with a cup of coffee black. For lunch, 1 Almond Roca butterscotch crunch and about 30 wasabi coated peanuts with a cup of coffee black. For late afternoon, 2 glasses of Blackcurrent juice. For Dinner, 2 small cup of fruit tea served at the spa where I went for a massage session due to muscle tension and misery... and finally a glass of water at bedtime. This morning I weighed 62.1kg hahahahaha OMG! Maybe I should get devastated by him more often, I don't eat and I lose weight. Sigh, might as well be dead, solves all problems. Maybe just get any decent guy to fuck me till I experience orgasm and then I'm ready to go - at least I don't die a virgin, and with Paul I have tasted how true love is like, my first love.

Will things ever go back to happy days again? Have I ruin it all?
Does he still think of me as the funny witty zany gal that made him laugh and blush and feel comfortable and safe to talk to? I so badly want to return to the gal he first loved. I so badly wish I have not turn into his nightmare.

On the way to work, the radio played Celine Dion's song and the lyrics from the chorus caught my attention -- it's a message not to give up and not to just leave even when the heart is in doubt. I will draw strength from it and hope that this time we can talk things through again. Talking with him always helps, I guess. I admit he has a way with words.. but more than that, i know he meant them when he was saying them to me. I just feel confused whenever his actions didn't support what he was saying to me.

There is only one thing i am concerned about now.. in fact it frightens me. My heart feels numb. Though I am staying, but I feel numb. In fact, I turned skeptical, cynical finally. He has never trigger that part of me off, but I felt so let down in the inconsistencies that its gonna take hard work to convince me that he will do anything to not lose me. And I feel, he will still lose me... I don't know how long I can stay.. because I have identify that I can't tolerate sharing him with Hani. Perhaps he can look me up when he and Hani finally separated, but I can foresee it never happening. Without me around, there is nothing to start a fight. In fact now I see that they are getting along perfectly fine, saying cute things to each other and meeting for regular chats, phonecalls etc. Who am I? I am someone he loves too. Who is she? He don't know. Each time I ask him he will say he don't know but she is acting wierd and maybe soon things might be over.

Sigh.. I wish I am so cool and open and free. Because I know i want to openly call him darling cupcake baby sweetheart and leave him sweet tags in 360 spontanously. All I could see is she can say all kinda cute things and thank him for nice chats and him returning the cheers. How long can I stay knowing that this goes on not only in public but also in their chats or emails? I can no longer go back to friendship. If I can, then I am stronger or more foolish than I think. And if I really do manage to go back to friendship, it only means being mere acquaintances - some guy I know and contact once in a blue moon to say how's life. Seems impossible, I am an extreme person. I need to stay away and not get too connected with him because I know I will fall in love all over again or get bitter over his close relationship with Hani that never ends. Hani should be a happy woman now that I am out of the way. She got rid of me just like how she got rid of all the other women in his life. Oh, correction.. I got rid of me because he can't decide who he wants. Argh, why am I going all acidic and skeptical and bitter and resentful... this is not good if I want to stay on.

But I want to.

I still believe in his love. I still love him. But I also know my heart is broken and I have become so discouraged i can't face another hurdle.... I can only see leaving as the best thing for both him and me. And my guess is, he will ask me to go but he will love me forever, but go. hahahaha that is always the most ironical statement to me. Because I wish he wont ask me to go, instead I wish he will ask someone to go so that I will stay. I wish.

Sigh..

Anyway, the song :


THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
(Celine Dion)

I can read your mind and I know your story
and I see what you're going through yeah
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if we stick together
You're gonna find the way, yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is
(That's the way it is)

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

don't give up on your faith
love comes to those who believe it
and that's the way it is.

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, yeah
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is.

05/10 . I have failed me and I failed him

I failed.. utterly failed.

I had wanted to hold through with those "words of wisdoms" but i have broken all of them.

The first time in a long while he took the courage to be completely honest with me about Hani and the times they spend chatting and what they chatted about -- I blew up on him and said goodbye. I had promised him that I will never do that, because he had told me before he hestiate to tell me things because each time I will talk about leaving.

Yet I did the very thing I tried not to do.

But I have to...

Reality sets in.

I will never doubt his love for me - i have experienced his love.

But, I can no longer handle the way he surrenders to Hani at her every threat and demand. I was shocked to the core when he told me why he has not left 360. That's because Hani had told him if he leaves the friendship is over and he will never hear from her again. So I guess, he chose to stay. In fact, not only he stayed, he continues to flirt with her.

I had secretly wished he would try to leave with me. I plan to stop him though.. because that is not what i really want. I want him to stay because I know its a playground and there is entertainment and fun. But I guess I was only wondering if he had meant what he said about 360 being all about me. Sigh.. i still remember he was the one who told me let's leave its no fun anyway, and when I said leave dormant, he disagreed as though we should strip it all bare and leave completely. When he talk like that, it tells me if we leave we are leaving hand in hand. It's romantic though absurd, because it is an internet site. Its romantic because by doing so he gave me the satisfaction of knowing he was really in 360 for me. However upon thinking back.. he was already back on 360 with hani and sue and having fun and only added me later "if I want". I just wonder, does he say things to me just to proof himself at the point when I doubt him? I had believed him so completely whenever he address my doubts... and sometimes his answers just melted me away.. then when the time arise his promises to me crumbles.


This hurt cannot compared to anything else .. that I felt in my heart. Again, I felt abandoned....
Abandoned that I had to leave alone. He had stayed for a woman that did not want to get involved in cross fire and didn't want to openly take his side when he was attacked. Yet he was noble enough to be on her side when she found out she has been doublecrossed.

This again brings me back to the idea that ultimatums and threats are effective weapons on him. It renders him helpless in a way. I am totally defeated because I do not possess such weapons, nor do I ever want to use them.

I guess when others give me ultimatums, I will choose ME.

Anyway, I love him... and I should set him free, let him go. I know that if I stay around, I will continue to want to have all of him and will not tolerate Hani's existence. Strange that I totally don't mind Maria. But I guess that is because each time I was convinced that he loved me, he will go ahead and say something or do something that proves that Hani really matters to him and I have to stand aside and just believe that he loves me. Each time when he proof it to her, it seems that part of me will be sacrificed.

I think, one of the disappointments, upon recollection... is that in the beginning.. when he first got excited about me.. he told me I was the first woman that made him think and consider seriously about his relationship with Hani. He told me he can't promise me anything .. but he will want to sort out his life. Sort out Hani, sort out job, and finally Maria & kids. Things happened and we both know.. things with Maria & kids will most possibly never change. That's fine. As for job.. well, that is not really an issue. Anyway, today he has a new job offer, I am so happy for him!!!!!! But as for Hani... I guess I will stay away from his life because the reason why he had wanted to sort things out with hani was because he shared my dream of being together.

I guess he never want to lose Hani, and Hani will always threaten that she will disappear from his life. Neverending story. I would love to see him take the chance and call her bluff.

Anyway its an irony..
When I say that I can live without 360, because it is just an online account. (OK, I meant that my life is fine before I had 360, so I can move on back to life without 360, just bring 1 0r 2 new friends with me contactable by email or chats). He disagrees, and said it is a place where we can make connections, communicate, new friends and .. can't remember what esle he said. Anyway, he meant it is more than just an online account, it is a meaningful place. The irony is.. yet he will allow Hani to use this "meaningful place" to threaten him. And how about Friendster? He deleted it without second thoughts. Yes, but he was in a rage. Why was he in a rage? Just because Hani deleted him? Well then, I don't see him in a rage now that I have deleted him in 360. Tell me why is he so calm? In fact, not only did he not strip it bare in a rage, he is bloggin new tag posts by Hani's request!! And yet when he promise me he'll do the 5 love languages test he has not even done it till today. He had promised to leave me blog comments but not a word was left for such a long while. I had understand his constraints but why each time when he is back to 360 he would be doing things for hani and not me? And yet I have to believe him when he tells me he really does love me. And each time I believed him. Even right now I still do. Why?

Anyway, I didn't delete him so that he will do the same, that is not me. I deleted him because I see no point anymore - I am totally discouraged. I was there today to see what he wrote for me, just a pass-it-on comment. Yet Hani wrote him 143 (I love you), and he wrote back 143 plus he win -- that means he loves her more. I had enough.

IT HURTS.

It is hard to believe just words alone anymore.

It is hard to hear him say how much he loves me and yet seeing with my eyes everything he is doing for another woman. It is even harder not to be able to flash out the same lethal weapons she used so effectively -- giving threats and ultimatums and screaming and asking him to fix things and proof things.


In defeat.. I am leaving.. tail between my legs.

Yes, in my secret hearts of hearts, I want him to chase me back. I want him to proof things to me, I want him to sort things out, I want him to show some backbone and stand up to her threats and tell her "I will not have you threaten me with leaving using 360" or whatever fucking things she use.

But what's the point of asking him to proof things? It will only hurt the one I love. It will only hurt him more to sort out those things and risk losing Hani from his life forever. I see no point in asking him to cut off a limb. In the end, I will only have an incomplete wounded man, hurting, pining and missing his limb, resenting me for making him do that to proof his love.

Am I guilty of the same by saying goodbye?
I am not threatening to leave. I am leaving. I have left.
I don't think words alone can bring me back. I have heard enough.

04/10 . Wisdom for my soul

Today's the 2nd month anniversary of me and Paul's first meet.

Sentimental person I am right?

Anyway, so much has been happening and my days has been an extreme roller coaster ride. Slowly, I am beginning to feel tired of pain, jealousy, hurt and the whole package of negative emotions. Yet, the worse part of it... I can't blame another but the intensity of my emotions. I am becoming to believe I will be too overwhelming and intense and passionate for an man's comfort.

Yet the high and joy of loving him and talking to him each time can last me for days even if its just a good 30mins talk. I am always convinced of his love, my wounds and pain soothed, and dark moods chased away. I feel silly after each time I ran wild with an idea. Yet there are always endless questions I have for him, espcially when it comes to Hani.

Anyway, wisdom of the day received, and I will try to live by these words for as long as I can to stay a happy person in this "relationship" :

Lower your expectations;

Accept his circumstances;

Treat Hani as invisible;

Contain your emotions;

and ......

Manage your jealousy.


I'll print this on a little note and stick it on my forehead to remind me. Sighhhhh.....

And I still wish he could tell me why it didn't cross his mind that he's deserting me when he deleted his Friendster and 360 Account because of Hani, yet when he was the one who agrees and tell me let's leave 360 and then tell me that he felt if he do so he is deserting Hani. Why can he just desert me without thinking and has to drag his feet when it comes to Hani? Her hold over him is deep and great, and he did mention he donno why but perhaps its the connnection they share. Sigh.. I can't compete with that.

Anyway if the reason why he is on 360 is not about me then fuck it. I'm staying out of 360 anyway, because I can't even say what I really wanna say to him and he can't say what he really wanna say to me there, and I can't even really speak my mind in my own blog post yet she has the freedom to talk abt nice chats and calls with paul talking sweet nothings. And any fun we're having is being monitored. I have to be careful about what I say. WTF. Though he said he don't mind but i think he does mind. If i go to his page today and put a comment : " I love you so deeply baby" and he will probably delete it the instance he sees it and ask me what I am trying to do. And Hani will probably pick it up and create hell. And in the end, he will probably not speak to me again. Yup I am guessing and making conclusions... sighhhhh..

It does pain me that he wanna stay on for her. Not that I want him to leave, but it is the reason why he wanted to stay behind. He had told me that if i leave 360, he will delete everything because 360 will be meaningless without me, and was the reason why he was there. I remember being really touched to the core. Right now, I can only feel deep disappointment. Yeah, it seems like a power struggle. So its OK, I'm not gonna struggle on. I'm letting go. I don't want to fight to maintain my weight in his heart. It should be given to me freely and willingly, not when I ask for it. Sigh. I only wish I can understand why in all his actions it speaks so loudly that he cares the world for Hani more than for me. Her impact on him is so tremendous that everytime he will do drastic things because of her. What drastic measures has he taken because of me?

Let me go and try and recall. I will try really hard. I will search deep into my memory.

Sad.

10/09 . Is it time to be gone for good?

Read something off Yahoo 360 that just made me wanna wrap up and run forever and ever, disappearing from all these people....

I cannot handle it anymore...

Him asking her if she misses him.. then her asking him back..
Then him saying of course he misses her..
and all those hugs and kisses and love comments ...
and her saying he's so great...
and then 2.30, what's happening at 2.30am?
They are meeting for online chat?
Isn't it inconvenient to chat at this hour because of Maria???
But watever is 2.30... I'll never get to know.

As for the attention he's been giving her...
I am nowhere near all these.

But yes, I did finally receive an email from him today...

Said some general vague stuff.. including that I've been on his mind a lot.
But he didn't say he miss me.
Being on his mind doesn't mean he miss me - it could mean saying goodbye to me and how to say it. It could mean I've been a pain in the ass.. It could mean, he don't mind losing me.. ?

Why am I still holding on for him?
I guess when you've fallen hard for someone and truly loved him with a whole heart, its hard to just say stop.

He said he had not want to waste money on sms if since I will not bother to reply..
then why don't he send me an email or a message on yahoo?
I guess I dont' want to hear any lies nor do I want to know the truth.

But I know, to run and wrap everything up just like that is not my usual style. I need closure and I need to talk about things. I need to be set free. I need to be told in my face that he don't care anymore and don't want anymore of my love for him. Perhaps that he realised it was not love that he had for me ... just some other reasons.

Sighhhhhhhhh....

I am killing myself this way i know. And inflicting wounds upon myself unnecessarily...
but I guess I am in pain because I've been waiting to hear from him in vain.
I love this man and does he still love me and miss me and do I still mean much to him?

I don't know.

I wish I know.. and I wish I could talk to him.

09/09 . Disappointment and the wait

I really need to express my continual disappointment with him.

Why?

Why can't he just read my emails and send a reply?

That morning when we chat... when I told him honestly about how very disappointed I am that he doesn't seem to have read my emails, he felt so sorry and bad he apologised and said he will fix it.. that immediately after the chat he will go and take a look at the emails I've been sending him for the past week, and give me a reply. And he said he will read and reply each morning after chatting with me how about that? And I said, yes, I'd like that very much.

Guess what? Yes I did get his email, and I was happy. So happy I sent a reply. And in the evening right after I came home from work, I took the pain to write him a "All About Me" Tag Game answers that the friends are playing on the blogs, asking friends to answer those questions to see how they are connected. I wrote with my heart and soul, and had spent time thinking about the answers.... BUT....

I think till today, he have not seen my reply, NOR has he seen that email I sent him on those intimate answers.

Sighh.....

I have told him, the only way for me to know if you've read my mail is if you reply, or just simply acknowledge that you've got it, read it. I don't need a lengthy reply at all. Yet in the next day, in chat, he asked me to do the blog reply of the game. And I WAS MAD!!!! But I hold it in, and told him calmly... I have done it... and I have sent it to you in an email.

Well, really... I would have love to get a reply from him. I want to know what he thinks of my answers, does he like it? does it make his day? was he touched? BUT what I get is silence.......
How long is it going to last this way? Don't he check for my mails anymore? Don't he look forward to hearing from me anymore?

What's the point of me sending letters to an empty house where the owners no longer returns? I feel deeply hurt and disappointed by this very passive attitude he has. He gave me the reason that he reads his Yahoo mails because when he loads YM messenger he will see the notification. But yet.... in the beginning, which was just 2 months ago, when we created the account for him just for private communication with me..... he checks it daily I believe. Because we're in contact everyday. We were using google talk to chat also. But now... he rarely checks it, he says.

So this time, I am determine not to talk to him again till he sends me an email. It has been 2 days and my disappointment is slowly turning into resentment. I really do not want to end up bitter and sour with him.

Also, about this blog. He told me he will come and read it....
Have I seen his footprints yet? NOPE. But I guess, if he is here, he'll probably cringe reading all these words I'm writing. It's not gonna be nice and rosy reading someone's disappointment towards you.

Yet, if he does care and want to understand what's going on with me... he knows... this is the place to go. Isn't it ironical?

I could not find anymore excuses for him, but to feel that he was having me on. Or he has "moved on". I'm sad about this thought.

I can see, that he leaves a page comment a day on my Yahoo360. But that is not what I want. I want to see HIS EMAIL or REPLY!!! GRrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! That is IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!!!

I really don't know why things have suddenly change so drastically, but i know my heart is still bleeding, though my tears have ceased. Mum told me, when love is dead, tears ends. I fear. With all honestly, I am still reluctant to let it go. I am still hoping for a change. I am still hoping he'll knock and knock and knock on my door to get me back. I am hoping for him to flood me with sms, calls, emails, messages till I respond again.

His feeble effort only made me feel contempt. And utter disappointment. All I want is an email... because that is how we stay close and connected. I don't want to meet for chat. I want an email. I want him to get onto google and send me a fucking email. I want to know that he has bothered to read my heart and soul poured out to him. I want to know my words have landed upon his heart. Sighhhhhhhhhh~!

I'm so disappointed I could only cry. And could not lift up my soul.

Seeing him flirting with Hani is also bad, using the Strawberries and Cream and stuff. I detest it today, and I feel like a fool. Yes, I do. I do not see any act of sincerity.. I am turning blind and deaf to all those benefit of doubts I used to give. i don't want to end up hating him. I really want to continue to have faith in his good, and i really want to carry on to look upon him as a worthy friend. Yes, a WORTHY friend.

Are we still best friends and soulmates? I am judging from his action next few days. Now that the funeral is over, I will see what he does with his time. If he can do without me... it does seems so now... then I guess, it is time for me to WAKE UP, accept that I've been a fool again, and walk away.

He has disqualified himself.

Though forever he will remain special to me due to the special moments and memories we shared.... I am sorry and sad that it had not lasted.

Action speaks louder than words. I will not continue to believe a man who only pays lip-service.

Sigh.. Please don't disappoint me darling. Please proof me wrong, because I do still love you... but I am loosing faith by the day.

Hope things are fine with you at home. I just wish you'll write to me. It can be anything.. ranging from telling me how the funeral went, how did you feel these few days... or just telling me your thoughts about my messages or anything!!!

Sigh....

I only hope I'll not compromise and will hold out till he proof himself worthy.
May he send word soon, and stop making those silly comments thinking I will respond.

Don't handle me like you handle Hani. I don't work the same way. This formula doesn't work with me. You gotta reach me the vivian way. i.e. write me an email!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, and you will score even more points if you EVEN visit this blog, read these words and leave a comment. Then yes, give yourself a pat on your shoulder -- you've just gotten your friend back and prevented losing me forever.

Good night.

07/09 . Still thinking of him

Still couldn't stop myself thinking of him. Somehow. I guess he has impacted my life so deeply and every image of him, every word written & spoken by him has been deeply etched in my mind in my soul in my heart. It's gonna be really hard to detach myself if I ever want to.

He said we're so entwined in our souls that he could not bear to see me hurt and his very first respond will be always to protect and comfort and soothe... I wonder if he could feel these deep achings of my heart? Can he feel it reducing as death takes over? The despair continues as I continue to experience his silence. I wonder how is he feeling now? I couldn't feel his pain, because I have no idea what he is going through right now.. other than headaches, some frustrations from hani, maybe some distress & annoyance because of Maria, some exhaustion because of the funeral arrangements, errands, playing with the kids, some anxiety because of his job and finances, some irritation because of his dad, some part of him missing me?? ... sigh...

I still care about him.

And after reading back our last conversation, I felt I have over-reacted. And wonder if I have misunderstood him once again.. perhaps I was so dismayed at that point, i stop listening to what he is saying and just went to the extreme of devastation refusing to hear anything else.

Upon reading back, I realised I've also failed to be his friend. I think I should have probe him more about a statement he made ... that Maria has not made up her mind if she will walk out on him. I don't remember reading it. If I did I would have try to find out what happened.. background & context of that statement.. have they been talking again? Or have they been in a fight? How does he feel about it? Is he worried that she will take the kids with her? Have he tried talking sense into her not to drag the kids into it? She does not have work and how is she going to survive if she walks out? She does not have family and friends where would she go? If she insist on going she can but she should not drag the kids along and use them as weapons to hurt him or manipuluate him.... and it is not fair for the kids too. Sighhh..... i feel helpless along with him, because I do not have any advice or solution nor is able to offer any tangible help. The least I could do is to be his listening ear, yet I was so absorbed in my own emotions to be a friend to him. I wish I can be by his side, to provide comfort and moral support... just like the day when he encountered Chris & Huabs at the cinema.

Yet at the same time, I disagree with how he is handling things with Hani. I guess I really don't know the facts behind the scene other than what he has been telling me. But from what he is saying.. and what he has been doing (what I can see from the blogs & friends sites).. I feel confused and puzzled. And this is one thing i cannot really reconcile or resolved in my mind till today. Judge a man's intention by his actions. Right now, i still can't comprehend fully the story between him and Hani. but I know, for me to have a very objective view of things, I will need to be detached from him first as a "lover" wannebe.

Went to visit Hani's friendster blog last night... and saw her blog entry expressing her confusion.. crawling in the dark and couldn't see ahead.. if it is ending.. if she should use her mind and what she is seeing or still continue to believe ... blah blah blah.. and no one is telling her anything. Sighh.. i feel for her and I could feel her pain. Am I not in the same boat? In some way yes. I feel she has sharp instincts, and she is not stupid. Women tend to deny what our instincts are telling us, suppress our feelings and tell ourselves otherwise.. and dismiss those thoughts. It doesn't help us further if the man continues to give us false hopes and assurances. ARRGGHHHH I don't know, I don't want to accuse him. I just think he has the softest heart and never want to hurt anyone and therefore he couldn't bear to either end things, confront her honestly and directly on issues he felt is wrong based on his sharp instincts, nor see her devastated or disappointed in him. Sometimes, we have to be cruel to be kind. And I have always ask it of him. So far, he has not promised me i think.. hahahaaha O dear, I can't remember if he did. Sometimes he does, sometimes he just said something else and i got distracted.

Anyway i deleted the link after reading. I don't ever wanna go back to read her blogs again...
And Phil's friendster blog is gone too? i click the direct link and it says Not Found. I hope he has not deleted his blog or account has he? I don't think he will pay money to keep his blog private hahahaa.. but perhaps its just some bug. Anyway, I decided to delete the link too. I no longer want to be involved in their lives remotely. I still like Phil's humour, his wicked wit is also unbeatable. I still love the good in these people, even Hani... from the impression given through her blog, and I do believe she touched the lives of people around her with her personality and kindness. Probably because she felt intimidated by me and sensitive and suspicious about my intentions she went on offensive at me. Sighhhhh...... it doesn't matter now. I'm tired of all these games and adult issues. Can I go back to being a simpleton and an idiot?

Another issue I feel strongly about is..
if hani was the one who wrote that letter to Maria, and if he really feel in his gut that it is Hani and not Huabs ---- Then he rightly owe Huabs a sincerely apology, and I think he should do it without delay and there's no need to wait for evidence. There will never be evidence (unless Maria secretly kept the letter she received) and hani will never confess to it. He should bring closure to his issues with Huabs by giving her this apology, she deserves it.

And it is precisely the poison pen threat Hani posed that made me move my blog address and this time change the blog header too. I do miss "Tweetie Talk" but I guess, its too risky. I dont want her to do a search and find me here, because I blog honestly and not ambiguously about my thoughts and people. Yes when i first started out i don't use names, but now, I no longer give people the link... its' private and I'm giving myself the freedom to air my own thoughts. Sigh.. However I do enjoy those times too, when I share my blog with friends and other folks. In Yahoo360 it is still too public for comfort, and I feel vulnerable to come under the attack of people I know or don't know. I am after all, a person that relates more on a one-on-one basis, comfortable with a small group of close friends instead of the general public.

Oh yes, back to the threat of poison pen. The threat we're under, is that if hani finds this blog, she'll first of all blow and end things with paul of course, and then she might potentially copy the contents and forward them to Maria - which will result in a volcanoe eruption or atomic bomb explosion in the house, leading to her leaving with the kids and him devastated, and Hani can also use the contents of my blog to ridicule me in her blogs etc. Is she capable of such hateful mean intentions? If she is, why does he continue to be associated with her in such an intimate basis? If my friend is capable of making my life hell this way and I no longer trust him/her, I will quickly detach myself and stay far away keeping a safe distance and if possible lose contact. But I know, we always tend to believe in the good of others, especially our friends. I guess, it is hard for him when they have so many years of close friendship together. I believe she loves him dearly, and he, once loved her too.. he called her "his muse" and I can't remember what she called him. It's etched in the inside of the rings they exchanged with each other.. and said their vows. In a bizzarre way, they are engaged.. and to her.. they are married to each other. I don't know, I just think it is beyond my ability to comprehend, but i guess you can't keep keep love in a box and give it rules. Love goes beyond rules and defy comprehension.

I think I am now confusing myself and confusing others with my thoughts, LOL!!!!!!

It is still hard not to have heard from him..
And hard not to have heard from anyone else either!!! hahahaha
Oh but Martin have begun to step up on his messages and sent me sms today saying he has been thinking of me, how am I doing?.. GAH. I wonder what kind of thoughts he have been thinking. I'd say its not pure ones. bwahahahahahha~!!

I've been quiet for 2 whole days at work and has been expressionless most times. Collegues are getting very concerned and started saying sweet things and sunny stuff to me though they have no idea what is bothering me. So sweeeeet of them it warms my heart. :)
And ET read my blog yesterday when she found me strangely quiet bcos i did not reply to her messages on MSN. See, this is what I mean!!!! She went there to see if I updated anything about my present state of mind or what I am going through. Then she called me to say she has seen my blog post and how am I doing. I am touched to the core and had a good talk with her in the evening.. feeling much better after the talk.

I still can't get out of the habit of checking mails for his messages, checking Yahoo360 for his comments, checking my mobile for his sms at almost every 60mins interval. Each time I load gmail I brace myself for disappointment.. .. sigh.... I miss those days where I got there and there's a cheery little or long message from him with wacky subject titles. I love him and his messages so much.. I love him in too many ways, its gonna be hard to kick this addiction.

OK, will get back to work now. Just taking a moment after lunch to ease the verbal diarrhea of my soul, sort out the thoughts and emotions.

I love you baby, and I miss you.

06/09 . Devastation

Chatted again this morning with him and my tears fall like rain when it dawned upon me that he truly is relating to me only as a soulmate & best friend and nothing further. I have not taken the term literally in all his mails, had put the thoughts on hold though my emotions went into gyrations last week. I had held on to the hope that his love for me is beyond friendship and strong as that of a lover. I found out that I am wrong about that this morning.

Right now i am in a daze. I am in somewhat of a denial, and in devastation.
I have still been relating to him like a lover, declaring an even stronger love, yet this man has already taken the step back.. when I am still moving forward.. thinking he is with me. Vivian Hoo, time to wake up.

And if this is the current state of things.. many things don't matter anymore. And my expectations have to be reset at the lowest level.

From a "best friend and soulmate"..

I do not expect priority of attention
-- hence no room for jealousy. No more feeling the pricks and pangs when he is giving another person (whom he is/was romantically linked) more attention or flirts or teases.

I do not expect him to read my emails or look forward to my emails - and no wonder another load of my emails sent yesterday has gone unread. I was quiet about my disappointment, and it doesn't matter anymore.

I do not expect him to even read my blog when he can
-- because what I'm thinking and feeling and going through is no longer the first thing on his mind that he wanna know about. I just feel, he's no longer as curious about me as he was before.
OK that's not a fair statement I know, he has too much things on his plate but I think I will stop making excuses for him from now on. However, just like my best friend ET, she will periodically read it regularly to see if i've updated it, and sometimes she dont read its fine she has been fully updated with what's happening in my life. And even if she has no time to read them when she told me she will, I'm fine.. I don't feel disappointed.
Sigh. its hard for me to change the way I look at things.. to me.. actions still speak louder than words. And so far, he has been giving lots of words but recently... only recently.. he has not been delievering.. sighhh..

I have set wrong expecations on him , therefore I am disappointed. So I won't blame him. I will manage my expecations. I WILL MANAGE MY EXPECTATIONS!!!

And i do feel so foolish in expressing all my disappointments to him, because, that will only just give him some pressure, that made him meet those expecations because he feel bad, not because he love me so much he can't wait to check and see I've sent him any mails today, can't wait to see if I updated anything in my blog or finding it strange that I've not been blogging etc. I do not have the words to describe the extent of devastation I am feeling, and I know my pride has been hurt. I now feel ashamed that I've been expressing to him my desires to make love to him (when he did not view upon me as a lover!! EEEEWWWW), and feel ashamed that I've felt all lovy dovy with all his new attentions given to me in Yahoo 360 plus the morning chats.

BUT... yes.. I am not ashamed that I have love him. I have love boldly, freely, with abandonment, without holding back. I have love him with a pure heart, with my whole heart.

And its lonely to be loving someone all by yourself, without reciprocation in the same way..

I can't accept nor handle the reality right now that he has taken the stand of closer than bestfriend and soulmates. And it doesn't help when he kept repeating that he had made it very clear in all his several emails to me that he can only be friends. It made me feel so ... shameless.. OMG.. that I have told him i will not give up on loving him, i will not give up on the hope that we'll be together one day, that I will hold on and blah blah blah..

Hahahaha this picture doesn't look too good to me. HEY LEAVE THE MAN ALONE BITCH! HE SAID NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to go to work. Today the weather will be cloudy and storms at different parts of the day.

This time... reality sets in. I'm giving up the twilight & flicker of hope. I have been utterly shattered. Is there still any point in completing my Anniversary post?


Never thought this will made me cry and sob out aloud... its been a long time since I've cried so hard that i need to muff it with a towel.. the last time it must have been in Feb/Mar.. over Hook, the devastation is beyond my expectations.

Feeling much better after a good cry. Will leave the thinking to tonight. No more chats with him till Friday morning. Will be up to it then hopefully. Time to take the step back and take off the badge that says.."Lover". I've poured out all of my love.. and time to turn the tap off.

Sigh. What a fool I've been.

05/09 . Daily joy & the pangs of adjustment

Change is the only constant, and when things or circumstances change, I need to adapt and adjust to changes, and coping with it the best way I can. Most of all, I must remind myself to be open and positive about changes, and be contented with what I still have, instead of whining about what I no longer hold.

For the past 2 days, I have awaken early in the morning to chat with my BaoBei. And to me, it has been gratifying to have such moments with him. I could feel such a freedom of his soul, and could once again connect with him much intensely ... because he is relieved of the stress and pressure and self-consciousness and annoyance that comes from the suspicious & prying eyes from behind him. Sighhhhhhhh I totally understand how tormenting that felt. I get cranky and won't be surprised that Mr Cranky will bring along his friend, Mr Headache.

Those morning talks has been precious. I shed tears (as always), felt my heart swell with love, at times melt under his sweetest words, speak freely and ask questions, joke and muck around, and finding the joy again that we once enjoy talking together. He is such a different person - and I can now comprehend why. I am only concerned that he is not sleeping enough because he's not such a nocturnal creature like I am. I am very deeply touched that he stay up late to chat with me. Awwwwww.......

So now, we chat in the morning instead. From 7am to 8am.. maybe 8.20am, the hour past so fast it felt like 10 minutes to me. I treasure it, and can't wait till morning again.

Well, this also means some drastic adjustments, to which I am still adapting to .. and which I i'm still going through withdrawals, ahahhaa.. almost like jet lag (SLEEEEEEPP) or a change of lunch hour to a later timing... HUNGER!!!!!!!

And I realised I'm quite an animal of habit and routine when it comes to this hahaha..
In the beginning when we're friends (when I was still crazy abt Phil and Baobei was then my wonderful caring pal whom I adore)... he'll book me for chats and it doesn't matter if I could make the chat or not. It's free and easy, casual, and maybe just twice per week. Well but it did start to increase when he started to call me for 5mins when he is at lunch or walking home from work just to find out how was my day, and I would look forward to 7pm or 11pm just to get his friendly call. Also at that point, we're leaving messages and comments everywhere on the blogs so there's really not one day where we didn't "heard" from each other. :)

Things begin to spin really fast when the storm blew, following my "departure" and then his peresistency.. and we started chatting daily, hahahahaa that was so funny, because I was wanting to keep a break of silence, and he will ask me if it is working at all, ahahhahaaaa.. URRGgggghhhh this guy!! Oh I miss this part of him so much! His persistency is unbeatable.. when he wants to. hehe..

So the romance season started..
Text exchanges via sms during the day.. back and forth..
before he goes to work he'll try to catch me on google chat for 10mins to say hello (and I'd actually wait around my PC at 2.15pm just so I could catch him. Well.. it stopped. But its ok.. .. however I continued to log on to gmail and wait for a whole week before I am convinced he's not coming on at that hour anymore.. hahaa, silly gal.
Weekends, or during the week we'd talk on the phone or have longer chats at night..
there's also emails from him.. :)
OK, the way I'm describing it is as if it spanned over a long period, hahaa no.. i think this was only for 2-3 weeks, then I flew to LONDON!!!!!

While in Norway, even on the flight towards Amsterdam, the anxious longing and impatience to finally meet him was there. Wished so much I'm flying straight to London instead of having to wait for a whole week! And during those days too, exchanges in text and also calls when possible.

Needless to say, the time in Enfield is electrifying, intense, romantic, we spent time freely talking, dated continuously for 3 days (haha!), and had a memorable time together. It was so hard to say goodbye at airport.. Sighhhhhhhhh... I.... MISS.... HIM.... SO.... MUCH!!!
And I wish with all my heart, this will not be the first & last time we are together. I pray that a miracle will happen for us one day.

Anyway, ever since the recent storm and explosion plus what happened at home with maria & kids..... (-OMG it was just last Monday, a week ago!! felt like its been a month! the torment really shook me up, sighhhhhh) - things have changed. And it is harder now and even tougher. It does seem to me that the odds against us have rised even more! And I do know, everyone is emotionally and mentally exhausted in many ways.

It is time to accept that things have change, and adapt to the change, make the best out of it, make the most out of it. I am very contented now, and will continue to remind myself to be contented. ARggghhhhh it is still hard not to get his sweet or cheery sms for the day without missing him so bad till it hurts, but if I manage my expectations (e.g. Expect NO texts) then eventually after some time.. I'll get adjusted.. other routine of life takes over.. no more pangs and cravings.. sighhhh.. (wonder if that is really possible. I'm like a wave that keeps sweeping non-stop onto his shore, hahahaa..), a rising tide. Oh dear.

Also, I am contented to know that he has not taken me for granted. And I know, I should ease up on him and not demand for more than he can give me in terms of attention. He has a life to live too and its not all about me. That is the problem with LDRs I guess, when we can't have visibility into your man's daily activities.. sigh... and we woman spent the whole day wondering what he is doing now.. is he thinking of me.. does he miss me... why didn't he call.. why didnt' he write.. and we go insane getting hung up. That's why I like Madonna's song "Hung Up". .. It goes.. "Time goes by .. so slowly.. while I'm waiting on you". Yet men are dumb-dumbs, hahahahaha..

Well, sigh, I still think of him throughout the day, through the night.. he's the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep (if I could!).. and the first thing on my mind when I awake (too early!! and kept missing him again!! arrrggghhhhhhh *pulls hair*).

If I can manage my expectations, and be contented with what the waves sweep in instead of expecting daily shipments by sea... hahaha I think I'll be a much relaxed and happy gal!

Today, I have not sent him sms. BUT, I've already sent him 2 emails!!!! hahahahaa
But it was sweet of him to send me an email today.. i had been deeply disappointed that he has not been reading mails because he did not log into google at all.. and I felt bad telling him the truth. sigh.. but I'm glad too, otherwise I'd probably be prone to resentment because of the disappointments. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Disappointment is the hardest to overcome. It's easier to deal with anger than disappointment. I am so grateful that he is kind to me in his reaction. I cried when i confessed it because it took a lot out of me to voice that out. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yet he always have the sweetest respond that soothes.. diminish every drear.. and bring good cheer back to my soul. I am just falling and falling in love with him over and over and over again.. haha yeah..

I don't know how I could ever stop loving him, and I don't know how bright the future looks for us. As for now, I will cherish every moment, and will continue to journey through this tumultuous path with him. May we always bring each other joy, happiness, cheer, love, peace, fulfillment, comfort, acceptance, understanding and all things good. May we always be honest, open, sensitive, considerate, and gracious to each other and be the best soulmates, best friends, best companions and best lovers..... hopefully, best life partner for each other.

OK, its 5.30pm. Time to go home.. get distracted.. try to sleep and wake up tomorrow for our chat. Wish I could shorten the waiting time by lengthening the sleeping time!! ahhahaahaaa!! go to bed at 7pm and wake up 7am!!! Woah and that will be just 2 conscious hours to wait! hahaaha, I'll try. Go to the doctor and get some hard core sleeping pill that'll knock me out for a full 12hrs. teeheeeheeee...

I wonder what is he doing right.... now....? Hmm....... (perhaps he just woke - its 10.30am ^^,) Good morning Cupcake!!!!!!

03/09 . Love even stronger

So glad I could have that chat with him last nite.. it was really really precious... and he came online despite being fully exhausted and having a migraine running. How do you stop loving a man like that? (And no no no you don't you demon of cynicism, i resist you! Yes I can't be there to verify if he is really having a migraine haha but i will not allow any seeds of doubt here! GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! )

OK, done. Demolished that cynical thought... hahahaa what to do, all of the demons have recently attended my pity party. Some refused to leave though the party is over!

During the talk, i cried a few times, different reasons.

Once, i cried when i misunderstood him of accusing me of "playing games" and felt hurt by his blunt words which seemed to carry a tone of impatience with me - (of course, I read text off the screen with my voice & apply emotions from my end....) But realised later he meant he is having a headache and can't do guessing games so prefer to have me tell him things straight bcos he already has problem concentrating... Ahhhhh... i see.. ooops. --- But that is the kind of honesty we share with each other.. that I am able to tell him when I felt hurt by some words (which I know is unintended to inflict wounds), instead of harbouring it within and allowing resentment to build. And he possess the greatest patience to explain kindly what he meant instead of reacting to my words and get annoyed. But no matter what he said, I do know there are times I annoyed him and get to him, was insensitive and hurt him, was accusing or blaming... -- just that he has the depth of love and width of graciousness to tolerate and minimise its effects on him. I think, next to him, no man will have such patience and love for me... Sighhhhh... (Perhaps other than God, but God is GOD, no one can compare to GOD!!!!!!)

Another time I cried, is when he said.. "I... love... You...."
Sigh... and I know he meant it with all his heart, so much so I could feel it so real. I know he does not patronise me and I know he loves me more than I think, more than I can imagine.

Also, I cried (oh dear I'm such a cry baby, sigh...) when I was pleading for him to chat with me today, to let me see his face again on the webcam. At that point, I was prepared that this might be the last time I will see his face in real-time... , and I wanna make the anniversary memorable for me (because it meant so much more to me)..., and then disappear from his life forever - oh, or for as long as I can help it. I have failed each time, haha, but I don't give up trying, kekekekekeke...

However, as of today, I have changed my mind... I can't walk out on him.

Today, while I was searching for a good famous friendship quote (and a mild one that won't start explosions - wish i could send love quotes!!!) for his Friendster testimony... I saw one that says.. "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out". And it had a tremendous impact on me. I was horrified that I, his friend... not just a friend.. but his bestest friend in the wholest widest world - was gonna walk out on him, OMG!! How could I even do that!!!!! Anyway honestly, I know I could never walk out on him...it has been impossible. Sigh....... and now that we've had the talk last night, I felt the bonds we shared have become even stronger than ever. I was gonna walk out because I had begun to doubt him, thinking he has let go of his end of the rope, thinking that there's no point for me staying because I can't see why he need me around, thinking that without me he'll still have a nice life anyway -- judging by the fun he seems to be having elsewhere, feeling the pain in my heart that deepens with each increasing day without him, missing him, pining for his attention, living on his every word.... it was getting so unbearable I just wanna cut and run, knowing that he'll be alright.

sigh.. I was so wrong.

During the talk, I understand finally .. and see more clearly the deep fear he has for losing his children. He loves them above anything in the world and can never walk out on them nor lose them - which explains why he will never risk it. I get to comprehend the severity of the whole matter, learn the extent of what destructive means the other women could go to ensure maximum damage to his world. (WTF!!? And you call that love? OMG... run from the witch, you idiot!!!! ... and yea~ come to me baby.. I'm a bitch but i'm no witch. bwahahahaa~!). I see a man tormented and trapped in a complicated situation that may never change, and in some way ...one that he may not leave even if the cage door is opened. And I know, though he is bound and gagged in his prison, I am the only window in this cold dark prison cell, from which he could look out once in a while to gaze at the beautiful sunny skies and smell the fragrance of the flowers outside, and feel the nice soothing breeze blowing in, glance at the silver moon light.... (heh, so poetic...)

EEEEK~!! *GULP~*!!!! OK OK haha.. I think I'm exalting myself really high here, hahahahahaha but in a self-conceited way I do like the picture very much, hahahaha!!!! So... how could I bring myself to close this window on him? I'm not heartless!!! So, I guess, as long as he still want this window, the window stays open. Sigh..... Oh, but he does have the internet and TV you know... people nowadays look into PC and TV screens more than looking out windows!!! And in the same way, his entrance into my life has brought such sunshine and hope... made dreams came true, though there are some dreams that we are still holding on... may it come true one day. *clasp hands and pray*

I just feel that.. after this explosion and storm and all that I've went through for the past week.. and after this heart to heart talk with him (heyyyyyy all our talks are heart to heart!!) .. I have come through - having a deeper love for him, a greater trust and understanding, ....stretched in my capacity to handle pain, willingness to be even more patient, stubborness to hang on and not give in, and an even softer heart and empathy for what he is going through. I felt that through it, I have known him better, taste of his love stronger, and all I wanna do is make love to him. HAHAHAHA OK OK the last bit is true but I added it in because it will seem more colorful that way. Hmmmm...... yes I do wanna make love to him. oh yaahh.. oh yahh...yahh..yahh... :P

Right now, though there is only a twilight of hope for a future to be together, I'm holding on to it. Because he too, is still holding on to that flicker of hope, that things might change in the future because there is so much uncertainty in life.

I only hope that there will come a time where he can find a solution, e.g. talk Maria through till she accept the circumstances and allow him to love someone else, be with someone else while still supporting her and kids, - where thing do not need to be extreme, where there is no need to take the kids away forever. It is a naive thought and a dream, but there can be miracles... when you believe.

Lyrics from chorus of the song WHEN YOU BELIEVE :

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

Hmmmm..... saw another interesting song when searching for above lyrics...
Never heard it though, but the words seemed rather apt, hehehe :

Miracles Happen (When You Believe)
(From the album "MYRA")

Miracles happen, miracles happen
You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, miracles happen

I can't imagine living my life without you now
Not ever having you around
We found our way out
(on you I can depend)
Don't have to look back to realize how far we've come
There are million reasons
I'm lookin up
I don't want this to end


Nothin should ever bring you down
Knowing what goes around will come around

You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe

There is no question we found the missing pieces
Our picture is complete
It's fallen into place
This is out moment, you and I are looking up
Someone is watching over us
Keeping me close
Closer to you everyday


Nowhere on earth i'd rather be
No one can take this away from you and me


You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe

When you believe
The soul is a shining light
When you believe
The heart has the will to fight
You can do anything, don't be afraid
We're gonna find our way

You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe


Happy Anniversary baby, I love you.
*tigger*

03/09 . Cupcake & Donut : 1 month Anniversary

(WORK IN PROGRESS - TO BE CONTINUED)

This day of last month is the first time we met face to face - 3rd August 2006. It has been ONE MONTH since, but boy it had felt like 1 whole year!!!!!!!!!

The trip to meet him was a timely opportunity and filled with great anticipation amidst great impatience too! I had to fly to Norway for a business trip, and will stop over in London on my return trip for 3 days..... just to meet this man whom my heart belonged.

It was 10 July, 2 months ago, during a MSN chat that we discover our feelings and attractions for each other. During then I was still wrestling with him trying to keep a break of silence of 1 month with him till the dust settled blah blah blah bcos of Hani. We were chatting that night because of a terrible thing that happened to me when I was out on a date.. and was telling him how I felt when this guy held my hand when I did't want him to. I still remember when Cupcake asked.. "What will you do if I hold your hand?" .. and at that point, I felt such a thrill throughout my body and instantly blushed.. I replied in all honesty .. "I think I will melt...". I think we had a moment there. To me, that is the moment I know my feelings for him has crossed the line. And oh yea, it was a happy and exciting feeling though full of uncertainty. I remember I couldn't sleep due to excitement and bewilderment... wow... him? like me? Me? Really? why? ... and lots of other questions, and "LOVE IS IN THE AIR" the next few days and weeks that followed.

Before he goes to work he will get onto google and we will chat for 5-10 quick minutes before he goes off, and at night (after his work) we will meet again to chat for 1-2 hours. We managed to go on webcam once or twice and it was really precious moments. I look at him differently and my heart totally opened out to this man, this sweet sweet love of mine. :) We exchanged sms daily and every night before I sleep if we didn't chat till the wee hours. It was really sweet.

On the actual day of his birthday, 30 July 2006, I called him from the top of the Preikestolen (Pulpit Rock) in Norway, after a tormenting climb up with the sales team, and it was excruciating due to my knees pains. My knee joints have worn out hence it tends to inflame due to lack of shock absorbtion and might pinch the nerves. Hence the climb has been a torment once the pain started mid way through the climb. Ok back to the story... heeheee.. It was there that I managed to call through to his mobile and wished him happy birthday.... and it was there, for the first time, that I heard him say "I Love You" to me.... 600 meters above ground. It was most romantic, and I was an idiot. He said it right before I hang up, and when it dawned upon me that he had said it for the first time , I had already ended the call. Although on text we ever did say i love you to each other... but it's significant when he speak it to me. And I hope I will always remember this day. Yes, I love you too.. so much so much so much...

DAY 1 - 3 AUG 2006 THU

At the Airport..
I arrived at the airport early in the afternoon and sat waiting for him at a row of seats near the entrance. Wore the Tigger Cap I bought him for his birthday and sat there... killing time reading all his text messages, earnestly waiting for him. A man came and sat next to me, and when he sat down he accidentally kicked me. I didnt' bother, but when he kicked me again, I looked up, and hehehehehe..... Awwwwwwww it was PAUL!!!!!!!!! And he had the most beautiful bunch of flowers for me!!!! Yay! the first time any guy bought me flowers of love!!! WOW!!!! My heart melt, and it is all so romantic. Sighhhhhhh....

Then we went to get tickets and are soon on our way to Enfield by train. There was no distance between us and no awkwardness, maybe a tad of shyness, but all I could feel was sweetness. I can't remember what we talk about, but all I wanna do was to look at him and feel his presence. We reached Oakwood, and took a bus, and he brought me to the "Holtwhites Hotel" where I'll be staying for 2 nights, not too far from where he lived.

While walking to the hotel after we alighted the bus... we stopped to look at some flowers.. and that is when.. When he gave me a sweet little kiss on my lips. Mmmmmmm..... I can still remember the sweetness that filled my entire soul. My first kiss with him. Well, this is the beginning of all other kisses we had, some more deep and passionate, some light and tender and sweet. I miss his kisses so much. And yes, I miss kissing him.












Video of the birthday song I sang him..

03/09 . ENFJ? Me? OMG we're perfect match!!

Did the test at another new site.. and the results thrown me off the chair.

I'm an ENFJ!!! Not an ISFP??? Geeeezz.... my life is really getting more and more complicated!! sigh..... I am evolving... or I am really an ENFJ unsurpressed!!!! hahaha.. And the cutest thing is, my younger brother is also ENFJ

Anyway, these are the codes .. I'm going back to do it again, I'm still in denial.

You Are An ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

Hahahaah... please laugh with me..
After doing it a 3rd time, I finally got back ISFP! ... but.. I do think I like the ENFJ better!!! However, I know I cannot be a "J". I am way too spontanuous to be a "J". hehe..

My conclusion? I think I am BOTH. So much has happen in my life recently, I feel I am turning into an ENFJ maybe. hahaha. I donno. But I do agree with the ENFJ descriptions more than the ISFP... and I took the ENFJ descriptions from The Personality Page.

And I read something that shocked me at the Relationship section. It said.. The ENFJ's natural partner is the INFP. I was spellbound... Paul... my soulmate.. my beloved.. my cupcake... is.... I..N..F..P..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are we meant to be?????? Are we????? OMG!!


Portrait of an ENFJ
Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition)


The Giver

As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get under people's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives are usually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have been known to use their power over people to manipulate them.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they deal with people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controling with others.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

ENFJ Careers

Whether you're a young adult trying to find your place in the world, or a not-so-young adult trying to find out if you're moving along the right path, it's important to understand yourself and the personality traits which will impact your likeliness to succeed or fail at various careers. It's equally important to understand what is really important to you. When armed with an understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, and an awareness of what you truly value, you are in an excellent position to pick a career which you will find rewarding.

ENFJs generally have the following traits:

Genuinely and warmly interested in people
Value people's feelings
Value structure and organization
Value harmony, and good at creating it
Exceptionally good people skills
Dislike impersonal logic and analysis
Strong organizational capabilities
Loyal and honest
Creative and imaginative
Enjoy variety and new challenges
Get personal satisfaction from helping others
Extremely sensitive to criticism and discord
Need approval from others to feel good about themselves
The flexibility of these characteristics leave the ENFJ a lot of leeway in choosing a profession. As long as they're in a supportive environment in which they can work with people and are presented with sufficient diverse challenges to stimulate their creativity, they should do very well.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ENFJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed here.

Possible Career Paths for the ENFJ:

Facilitator
Consultant
Psychologist
Social Worker / Counselor
Teacher
Clergy
Sales Representative
Human Resources
Manager
Events Coordinator
Sales Representative
Politicians / Diplomats
Writers



ENFJ Relationships

ENFJs put a lot of effort and enthusiasm into their relationships. To some extent, the ENFJ defines themself by the closeness and authenticity of their personal relationships, and are therefore highly invested in the business of relationships. They have very good people skills, and are affectionate and considerate. They are warmly affirming and nurturing. The excel at bringing out the best in others, and warmly supporting them. They want responding affirmation from their relationships, although they have a problem asking for it. When a situation calls for it, the ENFJ will become very sharp and critical. After having made their point, they will return to their natural, warm selves. They may have a tendency to "smother" their loved ones, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and caring natures.

ENFJ Strengths

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

Good verbal communication skills
Very perceptive about people's thoughts and motives
Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
Warmly affectionate and affirming
Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
Good money skills
Able to "move on" after a love relationship has failed (although they blame themselves)
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Strive for "win-win" situations
Driven to meet other's needs



ENFJ Weaknesses

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationships issues:

Tendency to be smothering and over-protective
Tendency to be controling and/or manipulative
Don't pay enough attention to their own needs
Tend to be critical of opinions and attitudes which don't match their own
Sometimes unaware of social appropriateness or protocol
Extremely sensitive to conflict, with a tendency to sweep things under the rug as an avoidance tactic
Tendency to blame themselves when things go wrong, and not give themselves credit when things go right
Their sharply defined value systems make them unbending in some areas
They may be so attuned to what is socially accepted or expected that they're unable to assess whether something is "right" or "wrong" outside of what their social circle expects.


ENFJs as Lovers

ENFJs make warm, committed lovers who are willing to go to great lengths for the sake of "The Relationship". They're totally dedicated to the relationship, and to their partner, and have a special skill for warmth and affirmation which brings out the best in their mates. They take their commitments seriously, and are likely to put forth a lot of effort into making a relationship work once they have commited themselves to it. In the event that a relationship fails, the ENFJ will feel a lot of guilt, and take on blame for the failure, but they will move on with their lives with relative ease, without looking backwards.

Since relationships are central to the ENFJ's life, they will be very "hands on" and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they're doing, what they're feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

Sexually, the ENFJ looks forward to intimacy as an opportunity to express love and caring. The ENFJ is generally very interested in the happiness and satisfaction of their partner. Because they achieve much of their personal satisfaction from making others happy, they're likely to be skilled lovers. Like other Judgers, the ENFJ is likely to follow a schedule for intimacy, and may be prone to becoming routinized. For the ENFJ, the most important aspect of a sexual encounter is the affirmation of love and affection.

Although the ENFJ will probably not ask for it, they need to be given sweet words and loving affirmation. Since they are so externally focused on serving people, they do not always pay attention to their own needs. Since much of their personal satisfaction comes from bringing happiness to others, they're able to ignore their own needs and still be happy much more easily than other types. However, if they focus entirely on giving without doing some taking, they may find themselves in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. They need to work on being aware of their needs, and being OK with verbalizing those needs to their partners.

A problem area for ENFJs in relationships is their very serious dislike of conflict. ENFJs will prefer to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also likely to "give in" easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFJ needs to realize that the world will not end if there is a disagreement, and that dealing with things immediately initiates closure. Ignoring issues will not make them go away.

In general, the ENFJ is intensely and enthusiastically involved in their personal relationships. They bring fun and warmth into the equation, and are willing to work hard to make things work.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFJ's natural partner is the INFP, or the ISFP. ENFJ's dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling. An ENFJ and INFP are ideally matched, because they share the Intuitive way of looking at the world, but the ENFJ and ISFP are also a very good match. How did we arrive at this?


ENFJs as Parents

ENFJs take their parenting role very seriously. They consider the task of passing on values and goals to their children as paramount, and will strive to consistently be a good role model to their children. The ENFJ considers it their responsibility to make sure that their children turn out well. This characteristic, combined with the ENFJ's definite values and ideas about the way things should be, usually results in the ENFJ parent being rather strict, and having high expectations for the behavior of their children. On the other hand, the ENFJ is also warm and affectionate with their children, and very supportive and affirming. The ENFJ can also be counted on to take care of day-to-day necessities for their children.

It is not usually easy to be the child of an ENFJ. The ENFJ's life focus is centered in the sphere of relationships. They take their relationship roles very seriously. They are very "hands-on" in relationships, always monitoring it's progress. This behavior may be smothering to some individuals. ENFJs have very definite value systems, and well-defined ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Since they believe that part of their parental role involves passing their values and ideas to their children, and since they are so concerned and involved with their children, the ENFJ has a tendency to be a strict, controling parent, who is very aware of their children's actions. The ENFJ needs to remember to allow their children the room for growth which is necessary if they are to evolve into healthy, well-adjusted adults. With a bit of effort, it will be possible for the ENFJ to balance their need to pass their values and ideals down to their children with their children's need to develop as individuals.

The ENFJ will put forth a good amount of effort to make their children's home environment warm, comforting and cheerful. They will be ready with a kiss and a baid-aid for any hurt. Their normal attitude towards their children will be loyal, proud, warm, and affirming.

As is the case with most types, ENFJ parents may have problems with their children as they reach puberty. Their children will need more space at that age, and will begin to resent the over-protective tendencies of the ENFJ. This problem will be magnified in situations where the ENFJ is very manipulative. Since ENFJs are gifted with exceptional people skills and personal presence, some ENFJ individuals who are not supported by life's circumstances get into the habit of using these skills for personal gain to get what they want or need out of situations. As they grow older, their children will inevitably see the manipulative tendencies for what they are, and will begin to question their parents' value systems, and strongly resent being forced to comply with a set of values which may be somewhat hippocritical. The manipulative ENFJ, who still has strongly-held values which they are driven to pass to their children, may then find themselves "a day late and a dollar short". As an ENFJ, your best bet is to be aware of your type's manipulative tendancies and to make every effort that you are not using them in a negative way.

Usually, the ENFJ has nothing but the best intentions with regards to their children. They are remembered by their children as very warm and supportive (although strict), and are valued for passing on their goals and ideals.



ENFJs as Friends

ENFJs are warm, sociable people who are keenly in tune with other people's feelings and perspectives. They enjoy supporting and bringing out the best in others. They are energetic and fun to be with. They seek authenticity in their close relationships, and are very sensitive to the needs of others. All of these characteristics make the ENFJ valued by their peers as a warm, supportive and giving friend.

ENFJs are interested in all sorts of people, and are likely to be able to understand and relate to all of the personality types. The will excel at getting along with all sorts of people when the situation demands that they do so. However, they will not choose to spend their personal time around all of the types. They may resist spending a lot of time with Sensing Perceiving types, whose carefree "live for the moment" attitude may conflict with the ENFJ's strongly held value system. When seeking companionship that is not romantic, ENFJs will be drawn to other Feelers who have similar values and ideas. Since they live in a people-oriented world, they are not comfortable with objective judgments which do not consider people issues. Consequently, ENFJs are not likely to have close friendships with strong Thinking types. They will be likely to especially enjoy the company of other iNtuitive Feelers, as well as Sensing Judgers.