As some of you might have been informed personally by me... I did not get the job with the telecommunications company. I was rather pissed, in fact, that the lady had not called me early that week as promised. Instead, I waited till Wednesday night to send her an sms to ask if she has any news for me yet... and the next day's late afternoon I finally got a hasty respond from her, that another candidate has been selected. Sigh, after I have braced myself for hard work and low pay, it's another door slammed in my face. Well then, knock on (or KEEP KNOCKING / BANGING)... and in the meanwhile, enjoy the holiday. And yes... I was rather depressed and discouraged - but not for long. In 2oo6, I will fight to stay happy - and avoid pain. HEH.
I "rested" for a week, and got really bored idling around, feeling like a real slug (or sluggard). My life was lived almost upside down, according to European or American times... sleeping around 4am or later, and waking up past 2pm. Oh what to do, I always tend to be noctournal! Yea~ always a late riser, and late sleeper, heeee....~ And I have absolutely no motivation to get anything done except laze around and do unimportant or senseless things. I used to keep a wish list of "Things to do when finally free and at home" - and now that I am finally free and at home, I just have no mood at all to do it. All I could think of is going out to have some fun (and yet no one seems to be available - either working or ill or just busy.... -- and yet there are also those who are available and pestering me to go out - to which I try hard to decline or shove away, hee hee heee..... so mean~).
THIS is also the BEST TIME to hit the gym again.. in fact, I would have envisaged me hitting the gym around 10am each morning, and have a long hearty workout till noon, get a nice steam bath and shower and leave the gym by 1pm... then lunch with some friends or colleagues working around the area to catch up or just yak yak yak. Thereafter maybe go window shopping, or to a library or bookstore like Borders and sit and read, or park myself in a nice cafe with a seat by the window and read a noval. Then, by evening, if I'm game for it, head back to the gym for Part II of my workout or kick my heels around in an aerobic class!!!!! kekekekekeke..... Well... nothing of that sort happend lor~!! And yesterday morning, my weight was a shocking 62.8KG!!!!! (and I usually weigh myself, erm .. fabric free)... I dared not weigh again today. :(
Research Associate - A new door to an unknown path
In my desparation, I sms'd an old friend who works in a reputable headhunting firm to see if she would be kind enough to help me keep a look out for suitable jobs. I was astonished to receive her immedate call and she sounded like she won a million dollars! She told me I couldn't have called at a better time and she was delighted to hear that I'm seeking a job - I was supposed to be in full time studies by now if I have moved ahead with my plans last year. Hence she told me to go see her last Friday afternoon to discuss further.
Upon reaching her office last Friday, she told me briefly about the job. She is not referring me to any other client but HERSELF.... Hmmmm.... And yes, just as I've guessed, she would like me to join the headhunting firm as a Research Associate, reporting to her. It's a contract-to-perm position reporting to her, newly created, and she is willing to train "the new person" (me lah!). Actually, slightly more than a year ago, somewhere end of 2004, she has approached me for this similar position. She has identified me as a person with the right energy level, willing to learn, pleasant and cheerful on the phone, and happy to work hard. (MY TOES ARE LAUGHIN~) ... Well, its amazing how highly others can think of me. But then again, I didn't say this to annoy all of you who thinks really well of me - you all know me in and out (most of you), and there are some percentage of truth to the above... but I'm just not too sure about me anymore. OK STAY POSITIVE. (*smacks self*).
Anyway, she talked to me at the right time about this job as well - I'm desparate, and I'm discouraged about getting another HR Admin job that don't slice my pay in half yet having to work equally hard, not to mention I do not have the necessary experience and expertise in some HR areas! Hence, I agreed to an interview on Monday afternoon.
Gee, just 2 weeks not working and I can't squeeze into all those shirts already!!!! GROSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! But I still managed to squeeze into something not too unpresentable and was there on time. The first round of interview had a real intimidating start, with 6 Research Associates (the whole team) walked in at the same time and sat across the table from me (*gulp*). And then they started addressing me with different questions and scenarios at random.... almost everyone had a turn. They look like a really nice and fun bunch of people to work with (aren't they all during interviews, kekekeke.. both ways), and very soon I felt relaxed and rattled on as each question came along. I was later told that all of them liked me very much (personality, energy level etc.) and rated me 9/10 eventhough I have totally no experience in this role. They have seen a few experienced Researchers and have not gotten good vibes, the best one had a 7/10. Chehhhhh Bah!!! *smug smug*
(and yes... when I use "etc.", usually whatever examples listed before the word "etc." is all I know. hahahahahahaha...!!!!!!!)
The second round of interview followed immediately after, and this time it is a senior man, the Head of one of the various industries (e.g. IT, Financial, HR, Life Sciences etc.. ). I felt kind of nervous meeting him because I was told he knew one of my ex-bosses very well.... *GULP* and it won't be good news for me if he were to informally talk to my ex-boss about me... hehehehe... Anyway, he really zoomed in onto the various companies I've worked with and asked me many interesting questions.. He even ask about my family, interests (do I play any sports) and passion for learning. I was really honest, and of course I do try to be very enthusiastic and positive and exude the "CAN DO CAN LEARN" energy - much more than I actually am. At the end of the meeting, he actually gave me an evaluation of me : For example, he said, he felt that I have a good sense of self-awareness, and that is good. However, I am still seaching for the direction or cause or passion that I can run towards - whereby right now I am only aware of what I might want or might not want ... blah blah blah.. and he is really RIGHT!!!! I am so so so so so impressed!!!! My eyes went really BIG with amazement and admiration! hehehehehe....
Anyway, my friend came in last, and was supposed to make me do a cold call. But due to time constraint, she only had the time to demo a cold call, by calling the receptionist of a company and bluffing the gal that she's from a certain organisation and need to send a card to the head of the company and needs the full name, and if possible phone number.
This is one of the things I would have to do as a Researcher. I will need to make cold calls like this to seek out people that fit the profile and criteria of the job our consultant is trying to get for the client company - usually very high positions or unique positions that is not generic. For generic positions, companies would usually advertised instead of engaging headhunting or search firms. So the Researcher need to, within a short span of time, seek out names - and try to get in touch with these "found" individuals, and try to convince them to send us their resumes and be willing to go for interviews if they are shortlisted by the client company. GEEZ, I've always thought headhunters have a ready pool of people waiting to be interviewd. hehehehe....
Anyway, I felt really hesitant to go into it because of the uncertainties, the fear of not being able to do it, the fear of the unknown - because it is out of my comfort zone and I can't fall back on my computer skills or previous experience to get the job done. It will be a totally new thing, to be trained from scratch. On the other hand I really welcome this change, because it offered a new path... I don't need to eat HR shit anymore!!!!!! And if I could do this well, hey - I've changed line!!!!! And yes, they are willing to pay good money for experienced Researchers! :)
And my friend told me, I'll hear by Wednesday once she sorted out the salary offered - and if everything goes well, I can sign the contract by Thursday, and join them for D&D Party on Friday (Theme = Occupation. Hmmmm...... I could go as a Pole Dancer or Gym Personal Trainer, kekekeke...), and START WORK ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow!!!!!!! And my pay will be slightly more than what I get at my last contract job....
Should I???
I guess I should.
BUT THEN AGAIN....
ANOTHER OPEN DOOR!!!!!
This afternoon I received a call from a headhunting company and the consultant told me about a new job "order" they've received and she immediately thought of me!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! Well, it's a fishing company (hahahahaha... ) and is located at Pasir Panjang near Haw Par Villa, overlooking the sea... They are looking for a person that is not ncessary be a HR Professional which is willing to learn and grow with the job, and at the same time shoulder several roles. It recently merged with another fishing company and now the entire strength in the region is about 100. HEH, sounds good. Everything is in a mess now that needs to be aligned, in terms of paperwork and contracts - common issues you face when 2 companies merge. So in my own words, they need someone to help get the shit organised. HEY, I'M THE RIGHT PERSON!!!!!! I EAT SHIT SLEEP SHIT PLAY WITH SHIT AND ALSO PRODUCE SHIT!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahaa...
Anyway, I told the Consultant that if possible please arranged for the interview to take place today or early tomorrow, because I was about to accept a job by tomorrow and sign contract on Thursday once the decision is final. Hence, while at the polyclinic to see a doc about some infection, (and I must say, the polyclinic is really warm, packed with people all perspiring and sourish in facial expression and personal fragrace, and you have to wait really really really long. Really long. I waited for almost an hour - but it is cheaper lor....), I received a call and the interview is confirmed at 5.30pm. WHAT????!!!!!!! ARGH. And thence began the stress of whether to abort the hour long wait to see the doc, or to wait it out and rush like mad for the interview. In the end, I got to see the doc, and rushed like mad, and MADE IT IN TIME and IN STYLE. hehehehehe.... My hair was still wet when I arrived, and I reached there around 5.05pm. Hence I waited at the open air lobby while the wind from the sea blew my hair dry. And yes, did I mention I went to the interview clad in swimwear?
Yes, that would be a lie. hahaha...
OK. At 5.20pm, I went up the lift and entered in. No receptionist... so I stood around till I got someone's attention and asked to see the Hiring Manager, SM. And WOOHOOOOO!!!! SM is a George Cloony look alike!!!!!!! And he sounds Australian! And if I get the job, he would be my boss and we will, erhem, be working closely. hehehehehe.... SM came in after a long wait, and in came another bubbly looking gentleman with the most baby blue eyes that match his baby blue shirt. He is the Managing Director. WOW... (nervous nervous!!!!!!). BabyBlueEyes (BBE) is really nice, don't speak english so well (because he is Dutch), and smiles a lot at me. I rike~ OK he looks 50. Maybe 45 to be kind (he don't look his age lor... hahahahaha...).
The interview went pretty well. I talked about myself a little bit, and SM began really directing the interview topics, and you could tell he is looking for specific skills and abilities. In summary, they are looking for someone who is able to help him to sort out HR matters (all spectrum, and regionally), at the same time be the Personal Assistant (secretary) to 3 Directors - him, BBE & another director, and be the Corporate Communications person (do newsletters, articles, gather interesting news etc), the Production person (help them generate professional powerpoint presentations - because they are not good at it), the Events & Conference coordinator, assist in some Accounting/Finance work, and I guess, all other tasks and projects as assigned.
Hmmmm...... sounds like another potential long hour job. Sounds like fun too!!! And what I like about it is, I can fall back to my comfort zone in terms of skills and experience, and yet the role will grow and evolve eventually. Also, I guess, I must not be afraid to work hard. It will also be interesting to work for a male boss again. The environment is much simpler, and you can see the whole office at a glance. Less than 20 persons in the office. But perhaps there's more to the office I don't see? NAH. I saw it. Small place, small and packed workstations, very little privacy. Well, I've been too spoit in the past. And recent times have humbled me much, hence I will be happy to make do with anything nowadays. Sigh.. hee hee, all I hope is the little privacy to be able to MSN sometimes!!!!!!!!
In comparison, I am more inclined towards the "Octopus" HR-cum-everything-else job, although it promises tedious hard work, and the location is no longer central. I've worked in that area before, and it is both a pain going to work in the morning and going home at night, almost impossible to get a taxi at times. Well, but now with the Harbour Front MRT, perhaps it is still possible to walk out to the main road, cross the overhead bridge and take a bus down 6 or 7 stops to get to HarbourFront. Or get a car. hehehehehehehe... OK, just kidding about the car.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention, I found out that they are not really a fishing firm - but rather, they are a reputable (he said World number one - but then again, don't they all?) Salmon farming and harvesting firm, as well as some marine trading or fish trading business. Cool. And maybe I'll get to eat lots of free salmon? hahahahaha...
Well then, it is always the waiting that I hate. And the eventual disappointment that I dread. So I hope there will be good news tomorrow from both parties. I really hope that the fishing company will be able to offer me a higher salary than the headhunting firm, so as to make this an irresistable offer.
Should I choose the higher offer? Or should I follow my heart? But then again, I am double minded. And also, I hate to have to let a friend down... and hope she will not feel betrayed if I were to accept the other offer. Yah... because she was fighting for a decent salary figure for me and she really believed in me and kept telling me she thinks it is God's will. *gulp*
We'll see. I hope to have the answer by tomorrow. *_*
And yes, with the fishing company, maybe I should start 12th March. hehehehehehe.... Yes~ I, PIG.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
26/02 . Blindly Bored
Heh heh... was out with mum for lunch on last Friday 24th Feb. We went to Raffles Marina and had a really nice time dining. It was one of those "moments" you need to create with your love ones, one-to-one. And such times are rare... and it was possible because I'm out of job, and have been idling at home. We sat at the porch area, overlooking the marina or sea, and ordered Clam Shellfish Chowder (mum's favourite), Shrimp Mango Cocktail salad, chicken wings, Mee Goreng, Coffee for me and Orange Juice for mum.
Then it started to rain and the strong breeze blew the rain in. Those sitting in the upper deck had to quickly grab their food and move. We were rather concerned because the rain can also be felt where we're sitting. But because no one from our deck or row was moving, we brave it on too! Besides, there're no spare table to move to anyways! We ordered the Movenpick Caramel Walnut & Strawberry ice-cream as desserts and it tasted heavenly!!!!! OH MAN!!! I really fell in love with it.... It tasted much better than Haagen Daz and I will definitely be keeping a lookout for Movenpick ice-creams from now on!
The breeze eventually turned into strong whirling wind and sent the rain splashing in at us, mum got soakingly wet on her whole back... while I had my face drippingly wet. It was only after we've finished up the ice-cream (quickly) and wanted to leave that it occured to me that we could have shifted the tables in. ARGH too late. Still, it was a nice memorable lunch. Too bad, no pictures though. Must really fulfill my desire to get myself a nice portable digicam soon, after I have secured a job and pay mum back the 6K... hmmmm.... that'll be end of the year, I guess. Meanwhile, will make do with my phone's cam.
Upon returning home alone (mum went off somewhere), I went straight to my desk by the window and turn on my PC, as usual. Sigh......No emails, no one online to chat with, no sms, and he's probably asleep... and a sense of boredom filled my soul... feel very poor puppy and whiney. HEH, so I took a series of pics to entertain myself. Here's some : (heh, I thought those puckers are damn cute)..
The "Bitchy- Humph I don'ch rike" Look
The "Anal & Cynical" Look
The "Super Bored and Sian" Look
The "Don't Mess With Me" Look
The " Cheecky & Can you see my dim-pimples look"
The "Aiya Now You See It" Look
OK-OK I know you're probably puking by now because it is all so super act-cute! But I'm really bored mah~ Hahahahaha!!!! ANYWAYZZZZ... I took this "poor puppy" look picture below (which are the initial first pics, because that's how I was feeling then... I actually whined aloud as I give the sorry face... hehee) and I displayed it on my MSN. Just now, a friend I was chatting on MSN asked me if I'm doing the "Puss-In-Boots". Huh? What Puss-In-Boots are you talking about? So... he sent me the pic. HAHAHAHA.... SO CUTE LAH!!! I had no idea, and I was so tickled by the similarities!!! He laughed too because when we put it together it was hilariously cute. Meowwwwwwwwwooorrrrr~~ hehehehehee...
(Top) The "Poor me poor puppy" Look...
(Bottom) Puss in boots from Shrek2
I really love this Puss's look. Those eyes... awwwwwwwww.... I should go get some of those nice coloured contact lenses that gives you large pupils... and perhaps I'll have this enchanting kitty look, hehehe.... AND I WANT TO WATCH SHREK 2 LAH!!!!!! Grrrrrr..... so long already still have not watch it. Tsk.
Anyway, I have not been blogging much because so much or so little has been happening... and it is also pure laziness and procrastination again!
I never did make it to the gym in 2006 yet, however, I did go for an exercise walk last Thursday evening! I have also bought a new pair of track shoes ... Its a Nike Air, and its mum's birthday present for me (for Nov 2005 of course~), costing S$125 from World of Sports at West Mall. My other pair is still in the Gym locker disintegrating. Sigh~ Will really need to make it a point to go back to gym and warm it up with my hot feet! keke..
My new Nike Air!!!
That's all for now, gonna go wash up and meet up with Bir for dinner at Lau Pa Sat tonight, and maybe some drinks and partying at Madam Wongs if we can find it.... otherwise, we'll just try to have fun spontanously as usual!!!
Will update about job opportunities in my next post. Cheers~!!
Then it started to rain and the strong breeze blew the rain in. Those sitting in the upper deck had to quickly grab their food and move. We were rather concerned because the rain can also be felt where we're sitting. But because no one from our deck or row was moving, we brave it on too! Besides, there're no spare table to move to anyways! We ordered the Movenpick Caramel Walnut & Strawberry ice-cream as desserts and it tasted heavenly!!!!! OH MAN!!! I really fell in love with it.... It tasted much better than Haagen Daz and I will definitely be keeping a lookout for Movenpick ice-creams from now on!
The breeze eventually turned into strong whirling wind and sent the rain splashing in at us, mum got soakingly wet on her whole back... while I had my face drippingly wet. It was only after we've finished up the ice-cream (quickly) and wanted to leave that it occured to me that we could have shifted the tables in. ARGH too late. Still, it was a nice memorable lunch. Too bad, no pictures though. Must really fulfill my desire to get myself a nice portable digicam soon, after I have secured a job and pay mum back the 6K... hmmmm.... that'll be end of the year, I guess. Meanwhile, will make do with my phone's cam.
Upon returning home alone (mum went off somewhere), I went straight to my desk by the window and turn on my PC, as usual. Sigh......No emails, no one online to chat with, no sms, and he's probably asleep... and a sense of boredom filled my soul... feel very poor puppy and whiney. HEH, so I took a series of pics to entertain myself. Here's some : (heh, I thought those puckers are damn cute)..
The "Bitchy- Humph I don'ch rike" Look
.jpg)
The "Anal & Cynical" Look
.jpg)
The "Super Bored and Sian" Look
.jpg)
The "Don't Mess With Me" Look
.jpg)
The " Cheecky & Can you see my dim-pimples look"
.jpg)
The "Aiya Now You See It" Look
.jpg)
OK-OK I know you're probably puking by now because it is all so super act-cute! But I'm really bored mah~ Hahahahaha!!!! ANYWAYZZZZ... I took this "poor puppy" look picture below (which are the initial first pics, because that's how I was feeling then... I actually whined aloud as I give the sorry face... hehee) and I displayed it on my MSN. Just now, a friend I was chatting on MSN asked me if I'm doing the "Puss-In-Boots". Huh? What Puss-In-Boots are you talking about? So... he sent me the pic. HAHAHAHA.... SO CUTE LAH!!! I had no idea, and I was so tickled by the similarities!!! He laughed too because when we put it together it was hilariously cute. Meowwwwwwwwwooorrrrr~~ hehehehehee...
(Top) The "Poor me poor puppy" Look...
(Bottom) Puss in boots from Shrek2
.jpg)
I really love this Puss's look. Those eyes... awwwwwwwww.... I should go get some of those nice coloured contact lenses that gives you large pupils... and perhaps I'll have this enchanting kitty look, hehehe.... AND I WANT TO WATCH SHREK 2 LAH!!!!!! Grrrrrr..... so long already still have not watch it. Tsk.
Anyway, I have not been blogging much because so much or so little has been happening... and it is also pure laziness and procrastination again!
I never did make it to the gym in 2006 yet, however, I did go for an exercise walk last Thursday evening! I have also bought a new pair of track shoes ... Its a Nike Air, and its mum's birthday present for me (for Nov 2005 of course~), costing S$125 from World of Sports at West Mall. My other pair is still in the Gym locker disintegrating. Sigh~ Will really need to make it a point to go back to gym and warm it up with my hot feet! keke..
My new Nike Air!!!
.jpg)
That's all for now, gonna go wash up and meet up with Bir for dinner at Lau Pa Sat tonight, and maybe some drinks and partying at Madam Wongs if we can find it.... otherwise, we'll just try to have fun spontanously as usual!!!
Will update about job opportunities in my next post. Cheers~!!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
14/02 . I'm freakin' Type FOUR. I admit it, I admit it..
Sigh.... I give up. I must have taken this test (and other Enneagram test formats) at least 10 times, and so far, I've surfaced as a Type FOUR no matter how many times I retake the tests. ARGH. Just can't face it that I'm a type four.
Also, it is now in this order : Type 4, 2, 7, 9, ...
The last time I took this test (see previous blog post of 22 Nov 05), the result was : 2, 4, 9, 5, ... Oh Well.
Now a NEW FACTOR "Type 7" has emerged as the top 3.. and yeah... I do agree. This explains the recent love for partying, drinks and wines and ports etc.. hehehe (Type 7 : I must be high and entertained to be happy). But I do mourn for type 9 traits which seems to be pushed further away... My life is changing, I guess - a change in lifestyle and purrrrrrhaps, my outlook on life and what's really important.
Anyway, the test results proper :
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type_score_type behavior motivation
4__ 43__ I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
2__ 40__ I must be helpful &caring to be happy.
7__ 34__ I must be high &entertained to be happy.
9__ 33__ I must be peaceful & easy to get along with to be happy.
3__ 28__ I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
5__ 27__ I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
1__ 26__ I must be perfect and good to be happy.
6__ 19__ I must be secure and safe to be happy.
8__ 13__ I must be strong and in control to be happy.
Main Type = Type 4
Fours are unique and create their own distinct culture. They experience the highs and lows of life intensely. They take great pride in their esthetic tastes. Fours often feel like misplaced children and they long for a sense of real family
Overall Self : sp/so/sx
Overall, you score highest on withdrawn traits (sp), followed by compliant traits (so), and lowest on assertive traits (sx).
Scale (%) results:
Here's the "result" and summary of the same test I took from TICKLE.COM :
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Type 4 - The Expressive
Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate you for this honest and expressive way of being. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you'll offer them gentle, tactful advice, rich with examples from your own experience. As an Expressive, you're likely to be seen as someone who is strong in your own identity and in your perspective on life.
Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan, with her evocative, personal lyrics, and Bob Dylan, with his distinctive and poetic voice, are also Type 4s.
This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you possess a strong sensitivity as well as a powerful creativity. Although you can often be introspective, that doesn't keep you from forming deep emotional connections with the people and places around you. In fact, your ability to search from within may just enrich your compassion and understanding.
Additional info on Type 7 :
Type 7 - The Adventurer
This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of adventure and spontaneity. In fact, you're the kind of fun-loving, multi-talented individual who tends to seek excitement and stimuli around every turn.
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Oh well, I'm still on a quest to self-discovery...
Yes, I do admit that I'm rather obsessed with these personality tests....
So here's some general overview of a Type 4 :
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The Romantic (the Four)
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
World View: Something's missing. Others have it. I'm different from them because I don't.
Basic Desire: to understand self (wahahahaha.... now I know why I'm always doing tests)
Basic Fear: of being defective
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need for self-understanding -> examine self -> understand themselves -> Need for self-understanding
In the healthy state, the need for self-understanding induces Type Fours to allow their emotions to surface and examine these emotions in order to understand themselves. When Fours achieve self-understanding, their need is satisfied and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Fours' do not examine closely their emotions, they start to not understand themselves. This increases the need for self-understanding, which helps Fours to again examine themselves. Thus the balancing loop can help Fours to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being defective -> indulge in fantasy -> understand themselves -> Fear of being defective
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being defective can cause Type Fours to ignore their true selves, allow their emotions to overwhelm them, and indulge in wild fantasy about themselves. This means they will understand themselves even less, and further increases Fours' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Insight:
We can see from the diagram that a way to help break the control of the basic fear is to weaken the unhealthy loop. Fours can refrain from indulging in fantasy and start examining themselves. This will help Fours to understand themselves, and reduce the fear of being defective.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
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Yeah, I guess I need to admit to the above descriptions... quite a fair description of me. Oh well, now that I know more of me, I can love more of me. Huhuhuhur.... (yes, there's definitely MORE of me recently, I've increased significantly in body mass, Heh~).
And its also interesting that Type Fours have a fear of being abandoned. Is that why I want my relationship to end in marriage? And is that why when I sense that the person is not going to be able to "make it" to the destination (or is deemed unsuitable for the journey or destination due to my special "insights" and "intuitions") I fear and withdraw??? Because I need to avoid painful feelings to be happy?!? Woow... more to think about..
Also, it is now in this order : Type 4, 2, 7, 9, ...
The last time I took this test (see previous blog post of 22 Nov 05), the result was : 2, 4, 9, 5, ... Oh Well.
Now a NEW FACTOR "Type 7" has emerged as the top 3.. and yeah... I do agree. This explains the recent love for partying, drinks and wines and ports etc.. hehehe (Type 7 : I must be high and entertained to be happy). But I do mourn for type 9 traits which seems to be pushed further away... My life is changing, I guess - a change in lifestyle and purrrrrrhaps, my outlook on life and what's really important.
Anyway, the test results proper :
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
type_score_type behavior motivation
4__ 43__ I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
2__ 40__ I must be helpful &caring to be happy.
7__ 34__ I must be high &entertained to be happy.
9__ 33__ I must be peaceful & easy to get along with to be happy.
3__ 28__ I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
5__ 27__ I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
1__ 26__ I must be perfect and good to be happy.
6__ 19__ I must be secure and safe to be happy.
8__ 13__ I must be strong and in control to be happy.
Main Type = Type 4
Fours are unique and create their own distinct culture. They experience the highs and lows of life intensely. They take great pride in their esthetic tastes. Fours often feel like misplaced children and they long for a sense of real family
Overall Self : sp/so/sx
Overall, you score highest on withdrawn traits (sp), followed by compliant traits (so), and lowest on assertive traits (sx).
Main Type | Overall Self |
 |  |
Scale (%) results:
Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is self preservation |
Here's the "result" and summary of the same test I took from TICKLE.COM :
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Type 4 - The Expressive
Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate you for this honest and expressive way of being. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you'll offer them gentle, tactful advice, rich with examples from your own experience. As an Expressive, you're likely to be seen as someone who is strong in your own identity and in your perspective on life.
Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan, with her evocative, personal lyrics, and Bob Dylan, with his distinctive and poetic voice, are also Type 4s.
This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you possess a strong sensitivity as well as a powerful creativity. Although you can often be introspective, that doesn't keep you from forming deep emotional connections with the people and places around you. In fact, your ability to search from within may just enrich your compassion and understanding.
Additional info on Type 7 :
Type 7 - The Adventurer
This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of adventure and spontaneity. In fact, you're the kind of fun-loving, multi-talented individual who tends to seek excitement and stimuli around every turn.
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Oh well, I'm still on a quest to self-discovery...
Yes, I do admit that I'm rather obsessed with these personality tests....
So here's some general overview of a Type 4 :
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Romantic (the Four)
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
World View: Something's missing. Others have it. I'm different from them because I don't.
Basic Desire: to understand self (wahahahaha.... now I know why I'm always doing tests)
Basic Fear: of being defective
Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:
Need for self-understanding -> examine self -> understand themselves -> Need for self-understanding
In the healthy state, the need for self-understanding induces Type Fours to allow their emotions to surface and examine these emotions in order to understand themselves. When Fours achieve self-understanding, their need is satisfied and a balance is reached.
In the average state, when Fours' do not examine closely their emotions, they start to not understand themselves. This increases the need for self-understanding, which helps Fours to again examine themselves. Thus the balancing loop can help Fours to recover.
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being defective -> indulge in fantasy -> understand themselves -> Fear of being defective
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being defective can cause Type Fours to ignore their true selves, allow their emotions to overwhelm them, and indulge in wild fantasy about themselves. This means they will understand themselves even less, and further increases Fours' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.
Insight:
We can see from the diagram that a way to help break the control of the basic fear is to weaken the unhealthy loop. Fours can refrain from indulging in fantasy and start examining themselves. This will help Fours to understand themselves, and reduce the fear of being defective.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
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Yeah, I guess I need to admit to the above descriptions... quite a fair description of me. Oh well, now that I know more of me, I can love more of me. Huhuhuhur.... (yes, there's definitely MORE of me recently, I've increased significantly in body mass, Heh~).
And its also interesting that Type Fours have a fear of being abandoned. Is that why I want my relationship to end in marriage? And is that why when I sense that the person is not going to be able to "make it" to the destination (or is deemed unsuitable for the journey or destination due to my special "insights" and "intuitions") I fear and withdraw??? Because I need to avoid painful feelings to be happy?!? Woow... more to think about..
"I live to understand me, because I don't make any sense.." (HEH, and yes, I baffle others too - I had them frustrated and banging their heads on the wall - That's my talent~)!!!! teeheehee.....
So what are you gonna do with someone like me??? Well.... again I say:
Just love me, feed me and nebbber leave me... can? *_*
Monday, February 13, 2006
13/02 . When one door closes, another hole opens
This morning my boss told me that they're gonna get the new person to start on Thursday, hence effectively I'll come in to the office till Wednesday, because they'll need my laptop back and I need to vacate the workstation to make way for her. However, I'll still be paid till Friday (my original last day) - i.e. I'm being paid to go on holiday. hehehehehe...
I have mixed feelings.
When I've been informed that the job had gone to someone else, I was really demotivated. It was hard to continue to come in to office everyday to work, because all that I'm building now seems to be for another person's benefit.. but then again, I'm being paid to do the job. Now that I could leave 2 days earlier, I felt reluctant - and somewhat unprepared - just 2 more days!!!!!!! I guess, I'm really gonna miss the nice culture and relaxed environment, quiet corner table by the window with natural sunlight to cheer me up, and some of the nice colleagues here that has become good acquaintances (and yes, not forgetting the loads of nice looking young men from all over the globe!) ...
I was interviewed last Friday for a potential job. Got a surprise call from an ex-boss that her sister needs to hire urgently for a replacement contract HR Generalist and she thought of me - wow~ what perfect timing!!! It is with a rather reputable telecommunications company, and a contract position which have a slight chance of turning permanent. Payroll processing will be a large and critical part of the job on top of managing other general HR functions. I felt reluctant to take it up because it sounded like tedious hard work (plus lots of shit management and lack of support from other corporate functions) and I'd be expected to perform tasks which I generally "dislike". hehehehehe... And on top of that, I was feeling kind of "short-changed" because the salary budget of this role is EQUAL to the amount I'm being paid now. Wow, over here, I'm like on a honeymoon.... relaxed, having fun, having time to blog and chat on MSN, no boss micro-managing me, can come in late (that's the culture), happy hour every Friday, casual office wear, and a boss that appreciates my contribution and efforts -- hence the thought of being paid the same for a tough time is fairly discouraging. I've been spoilt.
However, a talk with a friend helped put things into better perspectives and wake me up to get my priorities right. She reminded me that right now, there are no other jobs waiting for me and I DO need to keep the cashflow coming because I have bills to pay, I do not have any savings right now and I still owe a debt of S$6000 to my mum and I want to be DEBT-FREE. Also, I should no longer look back at my last high pay and expect to be paid at that level. Well, I guess so... I guess the potential job that I was interviewing for had raised my hopes of being able to get a higher level job which pays a higher salary than my previous highest paid job. I have taken a 33% pay cut (initially 47% !!!!!!! but they gave me a $600 increase while I'm here) .... hence I could feel the pain. My friend pointed out that the salary my potential employer stated is already considered quite well paying. Yes, much is given, much is required. If I had been paid a high salary for a high level job, would I be able to perform and deliver to their expections and satisfaction????!!!!??? I guess it's time to be realistic and drop back down to earth. And time to brace myself for hardwork and stress and possible long hours ahead too ...(potential boss told me all about the challenges I'll be facing and the expectations of the job etc. etc. in a 2 hour discussion we had) - and stay focused on the goal at hand : Pay off the debts, continue the cashflow- and in 6 months' time I can start having my own money to spend as I like, and still have some to save up for the future. Who knows~ other opportunities may open up in the meanwhile! Will keep hoping.
I'm yet to hear the "good news". Hopefully within these 2 days I'll get an answer.... may it be favourable. I have requested for $500 above what I'm currently earning as a temp, and I hope they will be able to meet that - my potential boss did say she will try her level best to get the approval from HQ - It's a replacement position, hence they usually have to stick to the budget of what the current person is getting, though the maximum budget is $500 more. Hence I am praying hard that they'll be able to pay me at maximum budget. Also, I'll either start next week on the 20th, or 1st of March. I hope to start 1st March, because I am lazy. hehehehe....
On a positive note, my potential boss told me that she really really needs a permanent headcount to cover the contract position I'm replacing... hence she's "fighting" for the headcount. And once the job turns permanent, the possibilities of pay adjustments will be present - anyway I won't think too far on that, there are no promises. The contract starts March and will end in September, then if approved, it'll be extended again to next March. 6 months cycle... till it turned permanent. Byt the way, as a contract employee, I'll still have some minimal benefits : 1 day annual leave for every 2 months worked, and a reimbursement budget of S$100 for medical expenses. Hey that's not too bad! At least now I don't have to worry too much about medical expenses when I fall ill... sigh~
And I hope that the office will be nice too... nice corner private desk by the window, good facilities, nice fun friendly crazy colleagues and maybe lots of nice eligible guys to flirt with and oggle at!! hahahahahaha.....
I thank God for the doors that He had opened for me. Thank you Father, thank you for your grace and mercy and goodness. Thank you for your faithful providence over my life.
In the meanwhile, I just hope that there'll be more open doors. :-)
I have mixed feelings.
When I've been informed that the job had gone to someone else, I was really demotivated. It was hard to continue to come in to office everyday to work, because all that I'm building now seems to be for another person's benefit.. but then again, I'm being paid to do the job. Now that I could leave 2 days earlier, I felt reluctant - and somewhat unprepared - just 2 more days!!!!!!! I guess, I'm really gonna miss the nice culture and relaxed environment, quiet corner table by the window with natural sunlight to cheer me up, and some of the nice colleagues here that has become good acquaintances (and yes, not forgetting the loads of nice looking young men from all over the globe!) ...
I was interviewed last Friday for a potential job. Got a surprise call from an ex-boss that her sister needs to hire urgently for a replacement contract HR Generalist and she thought of me - wow~ what perfect timing!!! It is with a rather reputable telecommunications company, and a contract position which have a slight chance of turning permanent. Payroll processing will be a large and critical part of the job on top of managing other general HR functions. I felt reluctant to take it up because it sounded like tedious hard work (plus lots of shit management and lack of support from other corporate functions) and I'd be expected to perform tasks which I generally "dislike". hehehehehe... And on top of that, I was feeling kind of "short-changed" because the salary budget of this role is EQUAL to the amount I'm being paid now. Wow, over here, I'm like on a honeymoon.... relaxed, having fun, having time to blog and chat on MSN, no boss micro-managing me, can come in late (that's the culture), happy hour every Friday, casual office wear, and a boss that appreciates my contribution and efforts -- hence the thought of being paid the same for a tough time is fairly discouraging. I've been spoilt.
However, a talk with a friend helped put things into better perspectives and wake me up to get my priorities right. She reminded me that right now, there are no other jobs waiting for me and I DO need to keep the cashflow coming because I have bills to pay, I do not have any savings right now and I still owe a debt of S$6000 to my mum and I want to be DEBT-FREE. Also, I should no longer look back at my last high pay and expect to be paid at that level. Well, I guess so... I guess the potential job that I was interviewing for had raised my hopes of being able to get a higher level job which pays a higher salary than my previous highest paid job. I have taken a 33% pay cut (initially 47% !!!!!!! but they gave me a $600 increase while I'm here) .... hence I could feel the pain. My friend pointed out that the salary my potential employer stated is already considered quite well paying. Yes, much is given, much is required. If I had been paid a high salary for a high level job, would I be able to perform and deliver to their expections and satisfaction????!!!!??? I guess it's time to be realistic and drop back down to earth. And time to brace myself for hardwork and stress and possible long hours ahead too ...(potential boss told me all about the challenges I'll be facing and the expectations of the job etc. etc. in a 2 hour discussion we had) - and stay focused on the goal at hand : Pay off the debts, continue the cashflow- and in 6 months' time I can start having my own money to spend as I like, and still have some to save up for the future. Who knows~ other opportunities may open up in the meanwhile! Will keep hoping.
I'm yet to hear the "good news". Hopefully within these 2 days I'll get an answer.... may it be favourable. I have requested for $500 above what I'm currently earning as a temp, and I hope they will be able to meet that - my potential boss did say she will try her level best to get the approval from HQ - It's a replacement position, hence they usually have to stick to the budget of what the current person is getting, though the maximum budget is $500 more. Hence I am praying hard that they'll be able to pay me at maximum budget. Also, I'll either start next week on the 20th, or 1st of March. I hope to start 1st March, because I am lazy. hehehehe....
On a positive note, my potential boss told me that she really really needs a permanent headcount to cover the contract position I'm replacing... hence she's "fighting" for the headcount. And once the job turns permanent, the possibilities of pay adjustments will be present - anyway I won't think too far on that, there are no promises. The contract starts March and will end in September, then if approved, it'll be extended again to next March. 6 months cycle... till it turned permanent. Byt the way, as a contract employee, I'll still have some minimal benefits : 1 day annual leave for every 2 months worked, and a reimbursement budget of S$100 for medical expenses. Hey that's not too bad! At least now I don't have to worry too much about medical expenses when I fall ill... sigh~
And I hope that the office will be nice too... nice corner private desk by the window, good facilities, nice fun friendly crazy colleagues and maybe lots of nice eligible guys to flirt with and oggle at!! hahahahahaha.....
I thank God for the doors that He had opened for me. Thank you Father, thank you for your grace and mercy and goodness. Thank you for your faithful providence over my life.
In the meanwhile, I just hope that there'll be more open doors. :-)
Sunday, February 12, 2006
12/02 . Orange Tossing Fun!
About a week ago, someone asked me if I'd like to join her and a few friends to toss oranges into Singapore River. Of course I said YES!!!!!! SOUNDS LIKE fun!!!!! Then I scratch-scratch my head and ask... Eh? but what izzit for? ijjitt legal??? hur-hur-hur... and so I learn that no, its not legal and we'd probably be fined or jailed for littering... *gulp* .. and wahahaha... she said, no worries, if we get caught we'll get to meet our man in jail! And that's when I learn that the significance of tossing oranges into the river has to do with MEETING THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE. Woohoooo! Yes, count me in baby!
Told my mum about it and she giggled and giggled and say we're so cute. And she told me further that it was a tradition in old kampong days that young single girls would do: they will throw oranges into the river or swamp on the last day of chinese new year (that's the only day they get to go out due to the lantern festival or light-up thingies......) and somehow the throwing of oranges sounds like or ryhmes with something in hokkien : "tim gum chuay ho ang" which means "throw mandarin orange = finds good husband" .... ARGH, aiya don't care lah. I don't really believe in such superstitions though some of the people testify to its effectiveness (which I think is coincidence), hahahahahahaa... Anywayzzzzzz I just wanna have the fun and thrill of doing it. It will be real great girlie fun!!!! Something I've NEVER done before!
So the day has been set to be today (but of course, today's "Yuan Xiao Jie", last day of Chinese New Year, also Lantern Festival) - 12 Feb 2006, at 5.30pm. We met at Jelita Cold Storage and hopped into the car - 5 of us.... and we're all attractive, beautiful and desirable. Armed with a bag of mandarin oranges and some party masks to conceal our identities, we headed to the canal near Holland Grove where joggers and dog strollers frequent daily. Someone mentioned that this canal or giant drain actually leads out to the sea.. West Coast, I think.. and it's called Sungei Pulut or something (which again, I couldn't catch nor remember the name)... heh heh heh.. so much for the information... hahahaha... and Oh Yes - we didn't go to Boat Quay to toss the oranges into Singapore River as initially intended - I guess we really do not wanna end up meeting our man in jail!
It was a nice sunny sight at the canal. There's a gentle breeze blowing and the late afternoon sun rays made the place extra cheery. Along the tracks above the canal are joggers and walkers, and doggy strollers, kids riding bicycles and a man resting and reading on the available benches.. We climbed gracefully onto the bridge hanging across the canal, and someone handed each of us an orange, compliments of one of the ladies - WHOA~ good quality expensive type somemore!!! (BTW, I brought 2 oranges of my own too) - and amidst much giggles and laughter we each threw ours into the "river" while the amused joggers and strollers looked on - including a curious golden retriever doggie with something in its mouth - he wanna go fetch??? HEH.. Well, though the canal is not much of a river (because the water level is really low), but it is good enough for us.. at least the oranges floated and flowed along downstream...
Here're some pics I took with my phone :
Whoa! Me in a mask ~
The River Longkang! Isn't it nice and serene?
Me getting ready to throw an orange!
Can you see my orange? I've circled it....
After we've tossed our oranges (I tossed 2 oranges), someone took out mini champagne bottles for the "celebration". Hahahaha... so amazing! These are actually bubble solutions and so all of us begun blowing beautiful soap bubbles into the air, permeating it with an atmosphere of "dream"... almost like those bubbles represents our wishes... But.. erm.. bubbles burst leh~ (Choy choy choy!!!) HAHAHAHAHAA... and talking about bubbles, a friend recently said this : "Virginity is like a bubble.. One prick and its gone". teeheehee..... ;P
Well, I really had a jolly good time today. After blowing bubbles and joking and laughing and talking for a little while, we hopped back into the car and each return to our own lives. ;P
What a great way to celebrate life in 2006!
I'm so happy!
Told my mum about it and she giggled and giggled and say we're so cute. And she told me further that it was a tradition in old kampong days that young single girls would do: they will throw oranges into the river or swamp on the last day of chinese new year (that's the only day they get to go out due to the lantern festival or light-up thingies......) and somehow the throwing of oranges sounds like or ryhmes with something in hokkien : "tim gum chuay ho ang" which means "throw mandarin orange = finds good husband" .... ARGH, aiya don't care lah. I don't really believe in such superstitions though some of the people testify to its effectiveness (which I think is coincidence), hahahahahahaa... Anywayzzzzzz I just wanna have the fun and thrill of doing it. It will be real great girlie fun!!!! Something I've NEVER done before!
So the day has been set to be today (but of course, today's "Yuan Xiao Jie", last day of Chinese New Year, also Lantern Festival) - 12 Feb 2006, at 5.30pm. We met at Jelita Cold Storage and hopped into the car - 5 of us.... and we're all attractive, beautiful and desirable. Armed with a bag of mandarin oranges and some party masks to conceal our identities, we headed to the canal near Holland Grove where joggers and dog strollers frequent daily. Someone mentioned that this canal or giant drain actually leads out to the sea.. West Coast, I think.. and it's called Sungei Pulut or something (which again, I couldn't catch nor remember the name)... heh heh heh.. so much for the information... hahahaha... and Oh Yes - we didn't go to Boat Quay to toss the oranges into Singapore River as initially intended - I guess we really do not wanna end up meeting our man in jail!
It was a nice sunny sight at the canal. There's a gentle breeze blowing and the late afternoon sun rays made the place extra cheery. Along the tracks above the canal are joggers and walkers, and doggy strollers, kids riding bicycles and a man resting and reading on the available benches.. We climbed gracefully onto the bridge hanging across the canal, and someone handed each of us an orange, compliments of one of the ladies - WHOA~ good quality expensive type somemore!!! (BTW, I brought 2 oranges of my own too) - and amidst much giggles and laughter we each threw ours into the "river" while the amused joggers and strollers looked on - including a curious golden retriever doggie with something in its mouth - he wanna go fetch??? HEH.. Well, though the canal is not much of a river (because the water level is really low), but it is good enough for us.. at least the oranges floated and flowed along downstream...
Here're some pics I took with my phone :
Whoa! Me in a mask ~
The River Longkang! Isn't it nice and serene?
Me getting ready to throw an orange!
Can you see my orange? I've circled it....
After we've tossed our oranges (I tossed 2 oranges), someone took out mini champagne bottles for the "celebration". Hahahaha... so amazing! These are actually bubble solutions and so all of us begun blowing beautiful soap bubbles into the air, permeating it with an atmosphere of "dream"... almost like those bubbles represents our wishes... But.. erm.. bubbles burst leh~ (Choy choy choy!!!) HAHAHAHAHAA... and talking about bubbles, a friend recently said this : "Virginity is like a bubble.. One prick and its gone". teeheehee..... ;P
Well, I really had a jolly good time today. After blowing bubbles and joking and laughing and talking for a little while, we hopped back into the car and each return to our own lives. ;P
What a great way to celebrate life in 2006!
I'm so happy!
12/02 . My first taste of podcast entertainment
Hahahahaha... WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...~~!!!
I had the MOST ENTERTAINED 24 minutes today as I listened to a web podcast of Mr Brown and Miyagi. I've read about it in blogs but have never heard it. It's actually like a radio recording of 2 DJs talking about everything under the sun and jabbing at current issues happening around Singapore or on news (think Joe Augustine & Flying Dutchman). It is so damn funny I must share about it. SO, if you like real good singaporean singlish humour, its a "must hear". Of course, do it when you have time, and its good to blast the volume or plug in earphones.
Here's the link to the page.. : http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/podcast/index.html
I've only heard ONE so far. But you bet I'm gonna be spending time listening to more of their future podcasts and catching up on the old ones I've missed.
The one I've heard is : the mrbrown show 8 Feb 2006: the valentine's day special dated 8 Feb.
CHECK IT OUT!!!!!!!!!
(and no, they're not paying me to say the above, they don't even know I exist! hehehehe...)
I had the MOST ENTERTAINED 24 minutes today as I listened to a web podcast of Mr Brown and Miyagi. I've read about it in blogs but have never heard it. It's actually like a radio recording of 2 DJs talking about everything under the sun and jabbing at current issues happening around Singapore or on news (think Joe Augustine & Flying Dutchman). It is so damn funny I must share about it. SO, if you like real good singaporean singlish humour, its a "must hear". Of course, do it when you have time, and its good to blast the volume or plug in earphones.
Here's the link to the page.. : http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/podcast/index.html
I've only heard ONE so far. But you bet I'm gonna be spending time listening to more of their future podcasts and catching up on the old ones I've missed.
The one I've heard is : the mrbrown show 8 Feb 2006: the valentine's day special dated 8 Feb.
CHECK IT OUT!!!!!!!!!
(and no, they're not paying me to say the above, they don't even know I exist! hehehehe...)
Friday, February 10, 2006
10/02 . I P
Tonight... at 2.3oam approximately, I pee openly in a field off Marina South, under the dim moonlight.... while the grass insects watch on. Oh, be drowned, you perverted insects! Wahhahahahaha... what a thrilling experience! Wooooohoooooooooo!!!
Well, I was really urgent (high tide) and it's gonna be a long way home... kekekeke... it's such a beautiful scene and setting. HAHAHAHAHHAA.... and Phew~ Can't believe I'll still do a thing like that at age 34. How memorable!
Shhhhhhhhhhhh...................
Well, I was really urgent (high tide) and it's gonna be a long way home... kekekeke... it's such a beautiful scene and setting. HAHAHAHAHHAA.... and Phew~ Can't believe I'll still do a thing like that at age 34. How memorable!
Shhhhhhhhhhhh...................
Thursday, February 09, 2006
09/02 . A lesson on Emotions
This morning I woke up with foggy froggie eyes... yeah ... cried myself to sleep. Poor thing, poor me. *Hug-hug* ... And WAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! expecting to look like a puffer fish (yeah... had been gaining weight....), my cruel mirror on the wall informed me with a smirk that YES I do look like a puffer fish (the cutest one, heeeheee...) -- the polka dot puffer ppppfffffffisshhhhhh!!!!!!!! GRRRRrrrrrrr....Rrrrr.... *ROAR with rage* - The large angpao pimples (one on left, one on right - exactly on where people usually have their dimples, yah mine are pimples) that sprung from my chin near Chinese New Year, had given birth to MORE baby pimples. Not cute not cute!!! ARRRGH. What a way to start my day!
However, I still feel rather calm and collected. Somewhat serene. Or is it just pure NUMB and BLUR. hahahahha... I guess one of the reasons why women live longer than men is because we're able to release our tensions and fears and pains through tears therapy. Ooops~ this reminds me to drink more water today to top up the tear tanks. Dehydration is bad for the skin - I still wanna slow down the aging - and I've been having constipation. Have been drinking less than 2 glasses of water a day!!!! NO WONDER I FELL ILL!!!!!!
Anyway, I've given more thoughts to what I wrote last night.... the love I confessed and declared.. .the strong emotions I felt....the massive confusions. Well.. I think I shouldn't have allowed emotions to overcome me. Yet I'm such an emotionally rich creature, what to do? Sigh.... Time to pace things out and use the head. The heart cannot be trusted, and the heart can be deceitful and blind.
I miss him.......
OK, snap out of it. *splashes self with basin of boiling water* .. sss...Ss...ss.S....ss.. Wah shiokadoo!~
And in a way, I'm amazed to read an article today from an email I received 31st Jan this year, written by a man. I've left it untouched because I had no time to read such stuff, but today, somehow the title caught my attention and I'm glad I read it. It gave me a lot to think about. Anyway, I thought I'll share it with everyone. And this also provides for my further re-reading and pondering and reflecting.
It's damn long. I suggest you print it out if you wanna read it.
Anyway, if you're not interested, just scroll to the end to continue with more of my confusing thoughts. hehehehehe.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Your Feelings Are Telling Him
There's one mistake that almost all women
make with men they're interested in.
This particular mistake is the source of so
many different problems women have in their
lives and relationships, that dealing with it
should be a healthcare benefit or something.
Ok, maybe that's a little extreme, but you
get the point.
And by the way, men make a similar mistake,
but it shows up in different ways.
The mistake is allowing yourself to become
OVERLY EMOTIONAL around the person you're dating
in a negative and self-destructive way.
So then what happens?
The short-lived emotional outbreak that was
only a big deal to you at the time, finds a way
to screw up the great situation that you have
going.
What's going on here with how men react?
Why do some men make such a big deal out of
having strong feelings, caring so much and wanting
to talk and share?
The truth is, doing these things is showing
the man that you're EMOTIONALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
And nothing says "RUN" to a guy more clearly
early on than these intense negative emotional
"episodes" and an out of control partner.
Let me remind you of something important...
When most women start dating a great guy, they
have a whole slew of POSITIVE FEELINGS, IDEAS and
BELIEFS about where things are going and how they
might work out.
These are common, satisfying and exciting
thoughts.
And often times, it's the power of these positive
feelings that are the catalyst in helping women
look past the FEARS and NEGATIVE FEELINGS from past
situations and move into something new.
In other words, these POSITIVE FEELINGS and
BELIEFS become the driving forces to "try it again".
In this situation, lots of women tell themselves
in the back of their minds:
"I'm smarter now."
"This time it's different."
"I'm over that bad period of my life where I
let jerks and immature 'boys' mess up my life."
"This guy wouldn't hurt me the way that other
jerk did."
But the reality is that lots of women who
tell themselves this aren't actually "different"
or "smarter" at all.
The only thing that's changed is the scenery.
Instead, they still carry the FEARS and
NEGATIVE BELIEFS that hold them back from creating
new situations and experiences in their lives.
But then it happens...
In the new situation, with the new guy, things
suddenly stop being so easy, so new and so "perfect".
And eventually something seems "off" or goes
wrong here too with the new guy, even if it's
something small.
And "WHAM!"
All the old fears and negative beliefs come
rushing back out of nowhere.
That familiar sick feeling in the stomach is
back.
The guy problems they thought they had left
behind followed them here too.
So they FREAK OUT.
They become anxious and those voices start
playing in their head again.
"There must be something wrong with me."
"There are no good men... they're all selfish
jerks and I'll never find one who gets me and can
really love me for who I am."
"I'll never find true love, so I should just
give up and stop putting myself through so much
pain."
I bet you've got a few of your own here to add
to the list from that negative voice in your head.
We all do.
And you know what?
All of these are utter and total CRAP.
Here's what I've learned about these voices...
When these negative voices start getting louder,
most women leave behind the confidence, "positivity"
and optimism they had with a man that helped create
the great situation in the first place.
And they literally become DRIVEN by fear.
All the goodwill disappears and is replaced by
defensiveness and negative sensitivity.
This is what it's like having ZERO control of
your emotions.
And guess what?
This is 100% "GRADE A" MAN REPELLENT.
Men do not want to get involved or committed to
women who act emotionally dependent from the start
and "lose it" at the first sign of difficulty.
When most women see the first signs of trouble
or that a man is acting "non-committal" after
becoming close and "invested" in the situation,
they FREAK OUT inside.
When a man doesn't call back or starts to
withdraw, they get upset and afraid and act in fear.
When a man doesn't share the same feelings at
the same time in the same way, they become nervous
and unsure in everything they do with a man.
The point I'm making here is that if you allow
yourself to become TOO emotional and fearful in
situations with men, and dependent on their behavior
for your emotional state, it will screw you up.
Guaranteed.
And even worse than letting your emotions
control you and your behavior is trying to TALK men
through all of the emotions and fears.
This is a nail in the coffin.
Think about it for a second...
Most men don't even talk through their feelings
or fears with their BEST FRIENDS.
Men prefer to confront, challenge, ignore or
break through fear in some kind of masculine way.
Anything but observe or share fear. It's not
part of their make-up.
I know it doesn't make sense, but it's the truth.
Get where I'm going with this?
But hold on a second...
Emotions are GOOD, right?
Shouldn't we listen to them and respect what
they're telling us?
Doesn't a man need to be there for his woman if
she's going through something?
Aren't emotions the thing that allow us to
really EXPERIENCE life in a deep, rich and
meaningful way?
And isn't it wrong and harmful to try and
"control how you feel?"
Isn't it better to just "be who you are" and
not beat yourself up because you feel or think
about things in a certain way?
And wouldn't ignoring or avoiding your feelings
turn you into someone you're not?
Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say "I
can't help the way I feel"...?
We all have.
We even have TERMS that we use to describe when
we're overly upset and just need to "get it out".
We call it "venting" or "dumping".
I call it the "drama vomit". lol
So here's the question I'm getting at...
Is it "OK" it to be upset, to get emotional,
and to show EXACTLY how you feel inside with men?
YOU CREATE WHAT YOU SHARE
To make things simple, let's put emotions into
two categories...
There are those that you could consider "positive"
emotions or those based in "joy".
And then there are "negative" emotions. or those
based in "fear".
In other words, there are the emotions that
make you "feel good" and emotions that make you
"feel bad".
We all know that emotions aren't "self-contained".
Isn't it frustrating when you feel angry or down
and you just want a man to hear you and listen to
you - but then they get all wrapped up and intense
just because you wanted to share?
Well, if you've ever had this happen to you and
you got frustrated or angry about it, then you've
got something important to learn.
Emotions are CONTAGIOUS.
In other words, when you feel an emotion, you
can very easily pass what you're feeling on to the
person you're sharing it with.
And the stronger you feel the emotion, the more
it will "over-ride" the other person and get them
on your emotional level.
Even if their level is CONSTRUCTIVE and POSITIVE
and yours is DESTRUCTIVE and NEGATIVE.
And when an emotion starts to become too strong,
it literally TAKES OVER your mind and body.
Then you're driven with your body language and
your words to share that feeling.
In some situations, this can be a very powerful
POSITIVE thing for a person.
Imagine your favorite actor or singer giving
a world-class performance... you can literally
FEEL the emotions they're feeling.
Or how about when a man surprises you with a
romantic night with candle-light and he's open,
connected and sharing himself with you.
It can be an amazing experience when they allow
their emotions to take over. And you get to go
there with them.
But it can also be a very powerful NEGATIVE
thing as well.
Have you ever been spending time with a guy
and he became LESS CONNECTED to you as you were
becoming MORE CONNECTED to him.
It probably made you so nervous, anxious and
out of control that you made yourself sick.
When an emotion becomes so strong that it
actually "becomes you", your behavior and your
sole motivation... then you're out of control.
Emotions can actually trick you into trying to
CONTROL others, just to get back to where you feel
comfortable.
And instead of simply communicating what it is
that you're going through and what you want, you
actually try and make the other person FEEL the
bad things that YOU FEEL.
Ouch.
And sure, the short-term payoff for this is
usually some sense of immediate relief or resolution.
You get your feelings off your chest and get
to release them, which can feel great at the time.
But the long-term effects aren't so sunny.
So let me ask you...
What if your quality of life and your
relationships could be BETTER than the negative
emotions and fears that hi-jack your mind?
What if you made a man feel a deep sense of LOVE
instead of sharing the contagious NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
that come from your fears?
And what if you broke out of those same old
patterns that keep happening again and again?
FEAR AND THE UNCONSCIOUS POWER OF EMOTIONS
Strong emotions create strong MEMORIES.
We tend to remember things better if we were
feeling a strong emotion at the time.
Especially if the memory came during or after
an intense emotion.
I can remember so many situations in my life
where I was too nervous and afraid to share myself
completely with a woman or to "be myself".
So I kept one foot out the door and I'd never
say much about what I really wanted and needed in
a relationship.
It was my secret excuse and my way of staying
unhappy so that I didn't have to fully commit to
creating a great life with the woman and take any
responsibility for my own experience or the woman's.
I can remember situations TEN YEARS AGO vividly
where I was so nervous and uncomfortable when
relationships became serious that the emotion burned
the image into my mind.
When this kind of thing happens a lot (like it
has with me), it starts to make a "feedback loop".
In other words, most of the strong memories I
had about relationships with women were situations
where I SCREWED UP and made myself feel unhappy,
unheard and uncomfortable... so I had less and less
comfort and confidence as the years went by that I
could never feel happy in a long-term relationship.
Give me a nod here if you know what I'm talking
about.
THE "EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION" THAT WILL MAKE A MAN
ADDICTED TO BEING CLOSE TO YOU
I'm sure you've already figured out that I'm
going to suggest that you learn how to "own"
your emotions in situations with men.
Let me talk for a moment about the reasons WHY
it's important to do this.
Remember, when it comes to ATTRACTION, all of
the "logic" changes.
You have to stop thinking about what you've
learned about being "in touch" with ALL of your
emotions and realize that a man's ATTRACTION isn't
triggered by you being EVERYTHING that you feel.
That's a nice fairy tale, but it's a lie.
Your friends, your parents and your
girlfriends might give you "unconditional love"
and understanding in this way, but men won't
start to feel love, passion and connection with
you if you're playing out ALL the things you feel
with him.
So I have TWO good reasons why you need to
learn how to own your emotions around men:
1) If your emotions "own you" early on, you probably
won't even be able to talk to him or date in a fun
and spontaneous way that men crave. You'll just be
too FREAKED OUT to even get to the good stuff with
him - and God forbid, help him see his way through
all his potential hang-ups.
(Not that you want to...lol)
2) Men aren't ATTRACTED to women who let their
emotions control them all the time and drive
their interactions. This is ESPECIALLY true when
women act needy or overly-sensitive to anything
the guy does or says. Overly needy women will never
figure out how to get to that fun, playful, risky,
passionate state with a man that brings him close
and spells "long-term girlfriend material" in his
mind.
We talked about the first reason already.
Let's talk about the second one.
Why don't men like women who are overly-emotional?
Because men NEVER feel ATTRACTION for women
that they can CONTROL.
The more control a man has over you, the less
ATTRACTION he feels for you.
The less of a CHALLENGE you are, and the more
PREDICTABLE you become, the less ATTRACTION he
feels. It's very simple.
To put it another way; if you're the type of
woman who lets her emotions TAKE OVER, then you need
to learn how to "own" them.
If you don't, you're going to have a VERY hard
time succeeding with men after a date or two.
THE FIRST STEP...
I think that the first step in learning how to
own your STRONG emotions is to realize how they're
created or "triggered".
Most strong emotions are TRIGGERED.
Something happens that "pushes a button" inside
of you and BAM!... the emotion happens before you
even have a chance to think about it.
But the fact is that these "triggers" have a
structure to them.
There are all kinds of little things that
happen during that "trigger".
One of the biggest insights that I've had about
these "triggers" is that they're usually caused by
making something that happens MEAN something
negative.
In other words, it's not the actual situation
itself that "pulls the trigger" or "pushes the
button"... it's what you think it MEANS.
For instance, let's say that you've met a
great guy, went on a few amazing dates, and then
he wasn't as quick to call you and make plans as
he was at the very start.
You wait a day or two, and he doesn't even
call.
What do you usually think?
"Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he has a
another woman. Maybe he's trying to avoid me.
Maybe he's withdrawing like those other guys
did in the past."
In other words, we make the fact that he
didn't call back MEAN all these different things.
Another HUGE insight I've had in this area is
that women allow their imaginations to take over
and imagine the WORST possible outcomes.
Then they get nervous about that outcome
happening and FREAK OUT.
The point is that most of us (men and women)
use our minds to imagine the WORST possible
outcomes for dating and relationship situations...
and it pushes all the wrong buttons, and gets us
all nervous and upset... which, of course, makes
us screw everything up.
When it comes to men, it's important that you
lose the need to make everything MEAN something...
and STOP imagining the worst.
Think about those situations when a man
doesn't call you back... or plays hard to get.
Yeah, thinking that someone is playing games
sucks, but the belief that there's a "game" going
on is exactly the kind of negative meaning I'm
talking about.
If you immediately start to wonder where he
is... what he's doing... and who he's with, you
create the game in your mind.
Then you make up pictures in your mind of him
out with other women, doing fun things without
you, etc. and it's really upsetting.
Bad idea.
This is the kind of thing that makes us do
all KINDS of stupid things that scare the other
person away... like calling 100 times a day,
asking where he was and what he was doing, etc.
Instead, start doing yourself a favor and:
1) Visualize your ideal outcome.
2) Make POSITIVE meaning out of the experience for
yourself.
If he doesn't call you back right away, imagine
that he is freaked out with his own life and
schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let
him go), and make it mean that when he finally
DOES talk to you, he's going to be even MORE
interested because it took you so long to catch
up with each other.
If he tells you he's not ready for a
relationship right now because of his past,
realize that he's first of all feeling that way
because he REALLY likes you and has had to think
about being in a relationship because his feelings
are so strong.
He's scared of his deep feelings for you and
doesn't know how to deal with that yet.
And that once he figures it out for himself,
he'll miss you and want you... and you don't have
to be there waiting around for him to grow up.
There's nothing wrong with you or how you are.
And it's great that you got to see this problem
of his early on, and that it's his to deal with.
Does this stuff sound strange?
Well, I'll tell you something...
All of the women I know who end up in great
long-term relationships, with great attractive men
think this way.
This is their mindset.
Have you ever noticed that confident people seem
to get more confident.
That optimistic people tend to get more
optimistic.
That people who believe in luck seem to get
more and more lucky.
And that people who are negative seem to become
more and more negative.
It's almost like a universal magic. The more we
expect things to go well, the better they go. Try
it, it works.
Also, start noticing those particular things
and situations that trigger your strong "negative"
emotions.
Learn to spot the signs that it's about to
happen, and then learn how to keep yourself
centered.
If you can learn how to do this, the quality
of ALL your relationships in your life will
improve DRAMATICALLY.
Especially with men.
Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, so
to speak.
It's also important to learn how to improve
your self-image, overcome FEAR, maintain your
emotional and physical attractiveness, and
communicate using your "truest" indicator of
desirability to a man - your body language...
Then you can learn how to learn, grow and
stay connected with a man in each and every
situation that comes up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, hope you've gained some insight from it one way or another. I did. I need to examine my own emotions and how I express them... and perhaps, I really do need to address some fears I had which triggered the emotions I released.
In fact, I wonder ... when I say "I love him"... do I actually mean I love ME?????? hahaha... because it seems to be all about ME ME ME. I like the way he made me feel, the way he understands and appreciates me, the way I felt when he kissed me and hold me... blah blah blah blah.... Geez. How selfish and self-centered can I be? And have I mistaken self-centeredness for love?????? But .... is there anything wrong with that? Sigh... again, I have no answer to that.
I was like a moth to a flame... flying into the fire of his intimate love.. Yeah.. I really really felt that way, unable to pull away.. captivated, enchanted, fully immersed. Romantic? Beautiful? Foolish? That's so suicidal, yet it sounds like total abandonment. Is it really worth it? Is it worthwhile to abandon all pride and dignity to pursue a man who promise that he will never (or highly improbable) give you back the dignity you deserve? I guess that again, is dependent on how each woman see it. Does marrying a man means gaining dignity? Some woman lose theirs when they married some farking assholes! hahahahhaa... And another thought.... why plunge in so deeply when he's not prepared to do it with you? In the end, you have everything to loose while he has everything to gain... yet... is it true that you loose everything? Perhaps I gain his affection and tender care and attention day by day.. though it doesn't last forever. Anyway, no one can promise forever love, really... I don't believe it anymore, though I dreamt of it. Yet I still believe in the pledging of love. It is the man taking up the courage to say he will try, though he is not sure he really can live up to it, yet he promise that he will do his best, vice versa.
And sadly, today, marriage to some people is just a piece of paper. I have a friend who is happily living and enjoying a love relationship with her partner. She's a divorcee with 2 grown up children, and she's turning 50 this year. They're already enjoying an exclusive relationship for years. He proposed marriage recently, she turned him down. Why???????!!!!!!????? Well, that's because the paper does not make a difference to her. Her carrying his surname does not make any difference either.. plus other personal reasons. However, I respected this man who made his intentions for her clear. He wanted to look after her for life, he wanted her to belong.. (not to keep her bounded or out of possessiveness or ownership kind of crap), he wanted to give her a name... so she won't be improperly labelled... I think he wanted to give her the dignity he felt she deserved as his woman, perhaps even to be able to inherit his wealth if he were to meet sudden death. Well... good intentions. A noble man makes noble plans. SHE TURNED HIM DOWN. She has her own way of looking at things. heh heh heh...
Anyway I just don't know what to think anymore, timeout.
However, I still feel rather calm and collected. Somewhat serene. Or is it just pure NUMB and BLUR. hahahahha... I guess one of the reasons why women live longer than men is because we're able to release our tensions and fears and pains through tears therapy. Ooops~ this reminds me to drink more water today to top up the tear tanks. Dehydration is bad for the skin - I still wanna slow down the aging - and I've been having constipation. Have been drinking less than 2 glasses of water a day!!!! NO WONDER I FELL ILL!!!!!!
Anyway, I've given more thoughts to what I wrote last night.... the love I confessed and declared.. .the strong emotions I felt....the massive confusions. Well.. I think I shouldn't have allowed emotions to overcome me. Yet I'm such an emotionally rich creature, what to do? Sigh.... Time to pace things out and use the head. The heart cannot be trusted, and the heart can be deceitful and blind.
I miss him.......
OK, snap out of it. *splashes self with basin of boiling water* .. sss...Ss...ss.S....ss.. Wah shiokadoo!~
And in a way, I'm amazed to read an article today from an email I received 31st Jan this year, written by a man. I've left it untouched because I had no time to read such stuff, but today, somehow the title caught my attention and I'm glad I read it. It gave me a lot to think about. Anyway, I thought I'll share it with everyone. And this also provides for my further re-reading and pondering and reflecting.
It's damn long. I suggest you print it out if you wanna read it.
Anyway, if you're not interested, just scroll to the end to continue with more of my confusing thoughts. hehehehehe.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Your Feelings Are Telling Him
There's one mistake that almost all women
make with men they're interested in.
This particular mistake is the source of so
many different problems women have in their
lives and relationships, that dealing with it
should be a healthcare benefit or something.
Ok, maybe that's a little extreme, but you
get the point.
And by the way, men make a similar mistake,
but it shows up in different ways.
The mistake is allowing yourself to become
OVERLY EMOTIONAL around the person you're dating
in a negative and self-destructive way.
So then what happens?
The short-lived emotional outbreak that was
only a big deal to you at the time, finds a way
to screw up the great situation that you have
going.
What's going on here with how men react?
Why do some men make such a big deal out of
having strong feelings, caring so much and wanting
to talk and share?
The truth is, doing these things is showing
the man that you're EMOTIONALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
And nothing says "RUN" to a guy more clearly
early on than these intense negative emotional
"episodes" and an out of control partner.
Let me remind you of something important...
When most women start dating a great guy, they
have a whole slew of POSITIVE FEELINGS, IDEAS and
BELIEFS about where things are going and how they
might work out.
These are common, satisfying and exciting
thoughts.
And often times, it's the power of these positive
feelings that are the catalyst in helping women
look past the FEARS and NEGATIVE FEELINGS from past
situations and move into something new.
In other words, these POSITIVE FEELINGS and
BELIEFS become the driving forces to "try it again".
In this situation, lots of women tell themselves
in the back of their minds:
"I'm smarter now."
"This time it's different."
"I'm over that bad period of my life where I
let jerks and immature 'boys' mess up my life."
"This guy wouldn't hurt me the way that other
jerk did."
But the reality is that lots of women who
tell themselves this aren't actually "different"
or "smarter" at all.
The only thing that's changed is the scenery.
Instead, they still carry the FEARS and
NEGATIVE BELIEFS that hold them back from creating
new situations and experiences in their lives.
But then it happens...
In the new situation, with the new guy, things
suddenly stop being so easy, so new and so "perfect".
And eventually something seems "off" or goes
wrong here too with the new guy, even if it's
something small.
And "WHAM!"
All the old fears and negative beliefs come
rushing back out of nowhere.
That familiar sick feeling in the stomach is
back.
The guy problems they thought they had left
behind followed them here too.
So they FREAK OUT.
They become anxious and those voices start
playing in their head again.
"There must be something wrong with me."
"There are no good men... they're all selfish
jerks and I'll never find one who gets me and can
really love me for who I am."
"I'll never find true love, so I should just
give up and stop putting myself through so much
pain."
I bet you've got a few of your own here to add
to the list from that negative voice in your head.
We all do.
And you know what?
All of these are utter and total CRAP.
Here's what I've learned about these voices...
When these negative voices start getting louder,
most women leave behind the confidence, "positivity"
and optimism they had with a man that helped create
the great situation in the first place.
And they literally become DRIVEN by fear.
All the goodwill disappears and is replaced by
defensiveness and negative sensitivity.
This is what it's like having ZERO control of
your emotions.
And guess what?
This is 100% "GRADE A" MAN REPELLENT.
Men do not want to get involved or committed to
women who act emotionally dependent from the start
and "lose it" at the first sign of difficulty.
When most women see the first signs of trouble
or that a man is acting "non-committal" after
becoming close and "invested" in the situation,
they FREAK OUT inside.
When a man doesn't call back or starts to
withdraw, they get upset and afraid and act in fear.
When a man doesn't share the same feelings at
the same time in the same way, they become nervous
and unsure in everything they do with a man.
The point I'm making here is that if you allow
yourself to become TOO emotional and fearful in
situations with men, and dependent on their behavior
for your emotional state, it will screw you up.
Guaranteed.
And even worse than letting your emotions
control you and your behavior is trying to TALK men
through all of the emotions and fears.
This is a nail in the coffin.
Think about it for a second...
Most men don't even talk through their feelings
or fears with their BEST FRIENDS.
Men prefer to confront, challenge, ignore or
break through fear in some kind of masculine way.
Anything but observe or share fear. It's not
part of their make-up.
I know it doesn't make sense, but it's the truth.
Get where I'm going with this?
But hold on a second...
Emotions are GOOD, right?
Shouldn't we listen to them and respect what
they're telling us?
Doesn't a man need to be there for his woman if
she's going through something?
Aren't emotions the thing that allow us to
really EXPERIENCE life in a deep, rich and
meaningful way?
And isn't it wrong and harmful to try and
"control how you feel?"
Isn't it better to just "be who you are" and
not beat yourself up because you feel or think
about things in a certain way?
And wouldn't ignoring or avoiding your feelings
turn you into someone you're not?
Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say "I
can't help the way I feel"...?
We all have.
We even have TERMS that we use to describe when
we're overly upset and just need to "get it out".
We call it "venting" or "dumping".
I call it the "drama vomit". lol
So here's the question I'm getting at...
Is it "OK" it to be upset, to get emotional,
and to show EXACTLY how you feel inside with men?
YOU CREATE WHAT YOU SHARE
To make things simple, let's put emotions into
two categories...
There are those that you could consider "positive"
emotions or those based in "joy".
And then there are "negative" emotions. or those
based in "fear".
In other words, there are the emotions that
make you "feel good" and emotions that make you
"feel bad".
We all know that emotions aren't "self-contained".
Isn't it frustrating when you feel angry or down
and you just want a man to hear you and listen to
you - but then they get all wrapped up and intense
just because you wanted to share?
Well, if you've ever had this happen to you and
you got frustrated or angry about it, then you've
got something important to learn.
Emotions are CONTAGIOUS.
In other words, when you feel an emotion, you
can very easily pass what you're feeling on to the
person you're sharing it with.
And the stronger you feel the emotion, the more
it will "over-ride" the other person and get them
on your emotional level.
Even if their level is CONSTRUCTIVE and POSITIVE
and yours is DESTRUCTIVE and NEGATIVE.
And when an emotion starts to become too strong,
it literally TAKES OVER your mind and body.
Then you're driven with your body language and
your words to share that feeling.
In some situations, this can be a very powerful
POSITIVE thing for a person.
Imagine your favorite actor or singer giving
a world-class performance... you can literally
FEEL the emotions they're feeling.
Or how about when a man surprises you with a
romantic night with candle-light and he's open,
connected and sharing himself with you.
It can be an amazing experience when they allow
their emotions to take over. And you get to go
there with them.
But it can also be a very powerful NEGATIVE
thing as well.
Have you ever been spending time with a guy
and he became LESS CONNECTED to you as you were
becoming MORE CONNECTED to him.
It probably made you so nervous, anxious and
out of control that you made yourself sick.
When an emotion becomes so strong that it
actually "becomes you", your behavior and your
sole motivation... then you're out of control.
Emotions can actually trick you into trying to
CONTROL others, just to get back to where you feel
comfortable.
And instead of simply communicating what it is
that you're going through and what you want, you
actually try and make the other person FEEL the
bad things that YOU FEEL.
Ouch.
And sure, the short-term payoff for this is
usually some sense of immediate relief or resolution.
You get your feelings off your chest and get
to release them, which can feel great at the time.
But the long-term effects aren't so sunny.
So let me ask you...
What if your quality of life and your
relationships could be BETTER than the negative
emotions and fears that hi-jack your mind?
What if you made a man feel a deep sense of LOVE
instead of sharing the contagious NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
that come from your fears?
And what if you broke out of those same old
patterns that keep happening again and again?
FEAR AND THE UNCONSCIOUS POWER OF EMOTIONS
Strong emotions create strong MEMORIES.
We tend to remember things better if we were
feeling a strong emotion at the time.
Especially if the memory came during or after
an intense emotion.
I can remember so many situations in my life
where I was too nervous and afraid to share myself
completely with a woman or to "be myself".
So I kept one foot out the door and I'd never
say much about what I really wanted and needed in
a relationship.
It was my secret excuse and my way of staying
unhappy so that I didn't have to fully commit to
creating a great life with the woman and take any
responsibility for my own experience or the woman's.
I can remember situations TEN YEARS AGO vividly
where I was so nervous and uncomfortable when
relationships became serious that the emotion burned
the image into my mind.
When this kind of thing happens a lot (like it
has with me), it starts to make a "feedback loop".
In other words, most of the strong memories I
had about relationships with women were situations
where I SCREWED UP and made myself feel unhappy,
unheard and uncomfortable... so I had less and less
comfort and confidence as the years went by that I
could never feel happy in a long-term relationship.
Give me a nod here if you know what I'm talking
about.
THE "EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION" THAT WILL MAKE A MAN
ADDICTED TO BEING CLOSE TO YOU
I'm sure you've already figured out that I'm
going to suggest that you learn how to "own"
your emotions in situations with men.
Let me talk for a moment about the reasons WHY
it's important to do this.
Remember, when it comes to ATTRACTION, all of
the "logic" changes.
You have to stop thinking about what you've
learned about being "in touch" with ALL of your
emotions and realize that a man's ATTRACTION isn't
triggered by you being EVERYTHING that you feel.
That's a nice fairy tale, but it's a lie.
Your friends, your parents and your
girlfriends might give you "unconditional love"
and understanding in this way, but men won't
start to feel love, passion and connection with
you if you're playing out ALL the things you feel
with him.
So I have TWO good reasons why you need to
learn how to own your emotions around men:
1) If your emotions "own you" early on, you probably
won't even be able to talk to him or date in a fun
and spontaneous way that men crave. You'll just be
too FREAKED OUT to even get to the good stuff with
him - and God forbid, help him see his way through
all his potential hang-ups.
(Not that you want to...lol)
2) Men aren't ATTRACTED to women who let their
emotions control them all the time and drive
their interactions. This is ESPECIALLY true when
women act needy or overly-sensitive to anything
the guy does or says. Overly needy women will never
figure out how to get to that fun, playful, risky,
passionate state with a man that brings him close
and spells "long-term girlfriend material" in his
mind.
We talked about the first reason already.
Let's talk about the second one.
Why don't men like women who are overly-emotional?
Because men NEVER feel ATTRACTION for women
that they can CONTROL.
The more control a man has over you, the less
ATTRACTION he feels for you.
The less of a CHALLENGE you are, and the more
PREDICTABLE you become, the less ATTRACTION he
feels. It's very simple.
To put it another way; if you're the type of
woman who lets her emotions TAKE OVER, then you need
to learn how to "own" them.
If you don't, you're going to have a VERY hard
time succeeding with men after a date or two.
THE FIRST STEP...
I think that the first step in learning how to
own your STRONG emotions is to realize how they're
created or "triggered".
Most strong emotions are TRIGGERED.
Something happens that "pushes a button" inside
of you and BAM!... the emotion happens before you
even have a chance to think about it.
But the fact is that these "triggers" have a
structure to them.
There are all kinds of little things that
happen during that "trigger".
One of the biggest insights that I've had about
these "triggers" is that they're usually caused by
making something that happens MEAN something
negative.
In other words, it's not the actual situation
itself that "pulls the trigger" or "pushes the
button"... it's what you think it MEANS.
For instance, let's say that you've met a
great guy, went on a few amazing dates, and then
he wasn't as quick to call you and make plans as
he was at the very start.
You wait a day or two, and he doesn't even
call.
What do you usually think?
"Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he has a
another woman. Maybe he's trying to avoid me.
Maybe he's withdrawing like those other guys
did in the past."
In other words, we make the fact that he
didn't call back MEAN all these different things.
Another HUGE insight I've had in this area is
that women allow their imaginations to take over
and imagine the WORST possible outcomes.
Then they get nervous about that outcome
happening and FREAK OUT.
The point is that most of us (men and women)
use our minds to imagine the WORST possible
outcomes for dating and relationship situations...
and it pushes all the wrong buttons, and gets us
all nervous and upset... which, of course, makes
us screw everything up.
When it comes to men, it's important that you
lose the need to make everything MEAN something...
and STOP imagining the worst.
Think about those situations when a man
doesn't call you back... or plays hard to get.
Yeah, thinking that someone is playing games
sucks, but the belief that there's a "game" going
on is exactly the kind of negative meaning I'm
talking about.
If you immediately start to wonder where he
is... what he's doing... and who he's with, you
create the game in your mind.
Then you make up pictures in your mind of him
out with other women, doing fun things without
you, etc. and it's really upsetting.
Bad idea.
This is the kind of thing that makes us do
all KINDS of stupid things that scare the other
person away... like calling 100 times a day,
asking where he was and what he was doing, etc.
Instead, start doing yourself a favor and:
1) Visualize your ideal outcome.
2) Make POSITIVE meaning out of the experience for
yourself.
If he doesn't call you back right away, imagine
that he is freaked out with his own life and
schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let
him go), and make it mean that when he finally
DOES talk to you, he's going to be even MORE
interested because it took you so long to catch
up with each other.
If he tells you he's not ready for a
relationship right now because of his past,
realize that he's first of all feeling that way
because he REALLY likes you and has had to think
about being in a relationship because his feelings
are so strong.
He's scared of his deep feelings for you and
doesn't know how to deal with that yet.
And that once he figures it out for himself,
he'll miss you and want you... and you don't have
to be there waiting around for him to grow up.
There's nothing wrong with you or how you are.
And it's great that you got to see this problem
of his early on, and that it's his to deal with.
Does this stuff sound strange?
Well, I'll tell you something...
All of the women I know who end up in great
long-term relationships, with great attractive men
think this way.
This is their mindset.
Have you ever noticed that confident people seem
to get more confident.
That optimistic people tend to get more
optimistic.
That people who believe in luck seem to get
more and more lucky.
And that people who are negative seem to become
more and more negative.
It's almost like a universal magic. The more we
expect things to go well, the better they go. Try
it, it works.
Also, start noticing those particular things
and situations that trigger your strong "negative"
emotions.
Learn to spot the signs that it's about to
happen, and then learn how to keep yourself
centered.
If you can learn how to do this, the quality
of ALL your relationships in your life will
improve DRAMATICALLY.
Especially with men.
Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, so
to speak.
It's also important to learn how to improve
your self-image, overcome FEAR, maintain your
emotional and physical attractiveness, and
communicate using your "truest" indicator of
desirability to a man - your body language...
Then you can learn how to learn, grow and
stay connected with a man in each and every
situation that comes up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, hope you've gained some insight from it one way or another. I did. I need to examine my own emotions and how I express them... and perhaps, I really do need to address some fears I had which triggered the emotions I released.
In fact, I wonder ... when I say "I love him"... do I actually mean I love ME?????? hahaha... because it seems to be all about ME ME ME. I like the way he made me feel, the way he understands and appreciates me, the way I felt when he kissed me and hold me... blah blah blah blah.... Geez. How selfish and self-centered can I be? And have I mistaken self-centeredness for love?????? But .... is there anything wrong with that? Sigh... again, I have no answer to that.
I was like a moth to a flame... flying into the fire of his intimate love.. Yeah.. I really really felt that way, unable to pull away.. captivated, enchanted, fully immersed. Romantic? Beautiful? Foolish? That's so suicidal, yet it sounds like total abandonment. Is it really worth it? Is it worthwhile to abandon all pride and dignity to pursue a man who promise that he will never (or highly improbable) give you back the dignity you deserve? I guess that again, is dependent on how each woman see it. Does marrying a man means gaining dignity? Some woman lose theirs when they married some farking assholes! hahahahhaa... And another thought.... why plunge in so deeply when he's not prepared to do it with you? In the end, you have everything to loose while he has everything to gain... yet... is it true that you loose everything? Perhaps I gain his affection and tender care and attention day by day.. though it doesn't last forever. Anyway, no one can promise forever love, really... I don't believe it anymore, though I dreamt of it. Yet I still believe in the pledging of love. It is the man taking up the courage to say he will try, though he is not sure he really can live up to it, yet he promise that he will do his best, vice versa.
And sadly, today, marriage to some people is just a piece of paper. I have a friend who is happily living and enjoying a love relationship with her partner. She's a divorcee with 2 grown up children, and she's turning 50 this year. They're already enjoying an exclusive relationship for years. He proposed marriage recently, she turned him down. Why???????!!!!!!????? Well, that's because the paper does not make a difference to her. Her carrying his surname does not make any difference either.. plus other personal reasons. However, I respected this man who made his intentions for her clear. He wanted to look after her for life, he wanted her to belong.. (not to keep her bounded or out of possessiveness or ownership kind of crap), he wanted to give her a name... so she won't be improperly labelled... I think he wanted to give her the dignity he felt she deserved as his woman, perhaps even to be able to inherit his wealth if he were to meet sudden death. Well... good intentions. A noble man makes noble plans. SHE TURNED HIM DOWN. She has her own way of looking at things. heh heh heh...
Anyway I just don't know what to think anymore, timeout.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
08/02 . Fallen
A man came into my life on 25th January and have swept me off my feet.. just 2 weeks plus ago.. and the days followed has became such a roller coaster ride that today.. I'm an emotional wreck. I've fallen.... fallen in love, and fallen headlong from the roller coaster... CRASHED. CRUSHED. CRUMBLED. CREAMED. (creamed? *scratch-scratch* hur-hur-hur... Cr..Cr.. Cremated? hehehe.. )
Today marked the FIRST TIME in my life.. where I've EVER confessed my love to a man. Yeah. I confessed my love, and desires, and dreams of being with him, being his. I told him that I had found my harbour, and need not look further... and I wanna make it with him...that I'm ready to give of my whole self to him - all that I am. Yah, it's true. And to think that through all those years past, I've NEVER confessed, in fact, will deny till the end, on all the countless crushes I had on guys.. I will always try to hide it, keeping it secret, though sometimes its so bloody obvious to everyone. I am too afraid of rejection. And this fear often paralyses me. Yet - I CONFESSED MY LOVE TO A MAN TODAY!!!!!!!! ... and I realised it only on my way back home, as I strutted along in a daze... taking a longer walk around the block... a more desolate way away from the crowds of people returning home.
"Awwwwww... how brave how romantic how did it go??" you must all be thinking... O Well...
The sad thing is.. I was confessing to a man who will probably never marry. Why did I say probably never.. ?? because... its not an absolute. He might marry one fine day.. but ... it is highly improbable that he will ever take that path of marrying anyone. He will never marry me. SIGH~ Ok, I should never say never. It's not an absolute. It's unlikely that he'll marry me.
So, I've been ditched before I'm even hitched. SAD. *looks up to clear blue sky and laughed hysterically with open palm, tears streaming down face*
I don't know where to start or how to begin telling this story. I'm in a dazed. My heart bleeds. My thoughts are jammed up. I have so many mushrooming thoughts and theories and questions and answers... and emotions.. All I know is, that night when he held me and kissed me, when I return his embrace and kisses... I felt eternity. I felt like I've never felt before... it's electrifying, My whole being melted by his sweet caress. I felt safe and secure in his embrace, I felt cherished by his every tender touch, I felt my life merging into his... I felt desire burned throughout my body. And I felt this is the man I wanna watch TV with, go for walks, talk about daily stuff, share my life's moments with, brave the storms with, and have lots of fun together.... to grow old with. This is the man I'm prepared to love, because I thought.. I thought he love me. Because of his words... what he wrote and said to me... because he had offered me a love that seemed unconditional, he offered light in times of darkness... even when I was unsure about him, even when I couldn't overcome the hurdles of my shallowness... -- But in the end, I realised that he had offered friendship. NOT LOVE. I'm so silly.
But what is love? Is it just a feeling? No, Love is a choice, the experts will say. And the christians will quote you 1 Corinthians Chapt 13 and also tell you God is love. Do I know what is love? I think what I have for him are feelings... are those feelings of love? Will it last? or will it fade? What will be left when the feelings are gone? What must be done to maintain and sustain those feelings? Does it require feelings? I ask many questions, yet I do not have the answers. (and... erm... can't be bothered to think too deeply lest I fall asleep. hur-hur hur...)
How did he win my heart in such a short time? Well, HE IS DIFFERENT. Not because life has been unfair to him, not because he swim in circles.. hahahahaha... but because, so far -- He is the only man who had discovered me. Yeah~ He had not come looking for me because I had a sweet smile or my picture looks good, its because he was intrigued by the way I write.. and as we talked online, he got more intrigued (which got me very intrigued) and began asking the very questions that penetrated deep into the center of who I am and open up my world to him. He touched me deeply by his sincerity on wanting to know me... And he appreciated the very things, the core things that made me unique. He made me feel that he really understands me. His compliments made me so boosted up with confidence. His attention made me feel attractive, and he made me feel so accepted in the deepest sense of my being, .... I bared my soul to him, and he seemed to see through me. He could really read me well. And where he don't, he asks and never assumes... and he knows what questions to ask, and how to ask... and I found myself completely naked and transparent and vulnerable before him, yet adored and accepted and secured. In other words, I felt he had "loved" me as who I am... fulfilling my motto of "Be who you are and see who you attract". Perhaps that's my softspot, my weakpoint, my Archille's heel, Archie's Backside or whatever.
It has always been hard to help people understand me. Because I am so complicated and I am yet to fully understand myself too. And I am not good at telling people about me, unless they know how to crack me open. ET, as my best friend, is so far the only person who knows me rather well... she knows how to "let me talk" and guide me through and ask the right questions... and that also took us several years of sharing and building to come to this depth of understanding & knowledge & relationship. Of course, no one can fight with God, HE who knows me from even before I was born. And only God knows how much pain I'm in right now. Yeah, I asked for it, I guess. Is there no hope outside of God? Are all doors closed on me? Am I doomed??
Will I ever find another like him? The thing is.. he is the one who found me!!! So...... Will I be discovered again? Yet, not anyone who "discover" me will be able to break through my defences and walls. I'm not about to fall in love with any Tom Dick or Harry (or have you heard that Tom's dick is hairy wahahahaha....) just because they "discovered" how brilliant and witty and charming and beautiful a person I am. I'm also anal and cynical and critical and prejudice and silly and emotional and needy and high maintenance so can you handle it? And even if you can, that doesn't mean you have what it takes to make me enjoy you, respect you and admire you and be attracted to you and feel connected to you. A friend told me recently over lunch, that it is highly difficult to find a soul mate in life who can also be your life partner. I guess.... I have no choice but to agree.
I love him. That's all I can say now.
Perhaps, I'll look back at this post one day and laugh at how silly I am. Then jump off a building. (hehehehehe... ok don't panic)
For now, I'm contemplating.... Loving with abandonment. Is that possible? What does it mean to love with abandonment?
I'm just being ridiculous, I guess. Well, let's see what tomorrow brings. Things are not as bad right? I'll be meeting him... how would it be? I will melt in his presence perhaps... I will love with total abandonment perhaps... or will I be an emotional wreck... hope not.. perhaps, it'll just all be natural and fun and back to normal!
Oh, anyway.... I have no idea how long I'll live. Will I live to be 80?? Anyway, when is Jesus coming back??? And... how long will this guy live??? (hur hur hur... sorry lah, not cursing him) So... why throw it all away? If it is good...Embrace it while you live! Seize the day, live the moment!!! And OH... so what if you did enter into a relationship with a man who promises marriage? In 2 years time he might say goodbye, or you can't wait to say goodbye, or you both DID get married but then later one of you found someone better and there goes the marriage. Yet... the difference is.. in the beginning when 2 person decides to go into a relationship.. they both hope to make it together in the end. Sigh... In my case, only one person is hoping the futile hope. So that means I might forever be insecure. Forever. Like I said, Ditched before even Hitched. Because 99% probability that it will come to nothing. And yes, he told me, perhaps we would be better off as just friends. TOO LATE. I told him. I've gone beyond that, can't turn back, I don't think I can neutralise it yet, I can't turn off the tap like that. Neither do I wanna force it, because that will break me into pieces. I'd rather it happen naturally... for some couples it happen that way.. things just sizzle off. Sad.
But why look so far? Why think so far? Because I'm silly that's why. And I've ruined it.
Yah I should have asked those questions 3 years later. Then it would have been a fucking good 3 years before coming to this stage. hahahahahahaha.... Anyway, someone waited 5 years to find out. Sigh.
So, I, the silly woman, will have to make my silly informed decisions. heh. I will cling on. I will not pass. I will not just give it up because there are no promises of a future. Because I nolonger have any dignity left.
And. I still can change my mind anytime. And no regrets... He's worth it. If you're shaking your head at me... I can understand. Well then, give me 10 men to try so I can have a better benchmark. Otherwise, he's the best I've got now. Yah, I sound desparate I know. Beggers can't be choosers you know~ ? Buahahahahahhaah... sad sad sad...
Anyway, I shan't continue to flatter myself that I'm really worthy of such love. But yet I will continue to hope. Hope that life will eventually sweep ashore another man (alive) that would have an eye for me and see what makes me unique. And I don't mean he's blind in one eye. WAH LAU EH... hahahahahahah....!!!!!
Well now, feel much better. Will write more again, next time. Forgive me for all the typing errors and atrocious grammar.. also the raw and unstructured unfiltered flow of words. I just don't have the mood to edit them. Enjoy what I've vomited verbally. My verbal diarrhea.
Hugs for me. *sob sob*
I feel soooooooooooooooooo lonely.
I feel Sooooooooooooooooo abandoned.
Good nite. Time to soak up the pillow. Time to shut out the world.
Today marked the FIRST TIME in my life.. where I've EVER confessed my love to a man. Yeah. I confessed my love, and desires, and dreams of being with him, being his. I told him that I had found my harbour, and need not look further... and I wanna make it with him...that I'm ready to give of my whole self to him - all that I am. Yah, it's true. And to think that through all those years past, I've NEVER confessed, in fact, will deny till the end, on all the countless crushes I had on guys.. I will always try to hide it, keeping it secret, though sometimes its so bloody obvious to everyone. I am too afraid of rejection. And this fear often paralyses me. Yet - I CONFESSED MY LOVE TO A MAN TODAY!!!!!!!! ... and I realised it only on my way back home, as I strutted along in a daze... taking a longer walk around the block... a more desolate way away from the crowds of people returning home.
"Awwwwww... how brave how romantic how did it go??" you must all be thinking... O Well...
The sad thing is.. I was confessing to a man who will probably never marry. Why did I say probably never.. ?? because... its not an absolute. He might marry one fine day.. but ... it is highly improbable that he will ever take that path of marrying anyone. He will never marry me. SIGH~ Ok, I should never say never. It's not an absolute. It's unlikely that he'll marry me.
So, I've been ditched before I'm even hitched. SAD. *looks up to clear blue sky and laughed hysterically with open palm, tears streaming down face*
I don't know where to start or how to begin telling this story. I'm in a dazed. My heart bleeds. My thoughts are jammed up. I have so many mushrooming thoughts and theories and questions and answers... and emotions.. All I know is, that night when he held me and kissed me, when I return his embrace and kisses... I felt eternity. I felt like I've never felt before... it's electrifying, My whole being melted by his sweet caress. I felt safe and secure in his embrace, I felt cherished by his every tender touch, I felt my life merging into his... I felt desire burned throughout my body. And I felt this is the man I wanna watch TV with, go for walks, talk about daily stuff, share my life's moments with, brave the storms with, and have lots of fun together.... to grow old with. This is the man I'm prepared to love, because I thought.. I thought he love me. Because of his words... what he wrote and said to me... because he had offered me a love that seemed unconditional, he offered light in times of darkness... even when I was unsure about him, even when I couldn't overcome the hurdles of my shallowness... -- But in the end, I realised that he had offered friendship. NOT LOVE. I'm so silly.
But what is love? Is it just a feeling? No, Love is a choice, the experts will say. And the christians will quote you 1 Corinthians Chapt 13 and also tell you God is love. Do I know what is love? I think what I have for him are feelings... are those feelings of love? Will it last? or will it fade? What will be left when the feelings are gone? What must be done to maintain and sustain those feelings? Does it require feelings? I ask many questions, yet I do not have the answers. (and... erm... can't be bothered to think too deeply lest I fall asleep. hur-hur hur...)
How did he win my heart in such a short time? Well, HE IS DIFFERENT. Not because life has been unfair to him, not because he swim in circles.. hahahahaha... but because, so far -- He is the only man who had discovered me. Yeah~ He had not come looking for me because I had a sweet smile or my picture looks good, its because he was intrigued by the way I write.. and as we talked online, he got more intrigued (which got me very intrigued) and began asking the very questions that penetrated deep into the center of who I am and open up my world to him. He touched me deeply by his sincerity on wanting to know me... And he appreciated the very things, the core things that made me unique. He made me feel that he really understands me. His compliments made me so boosted up with confidence. His attention made me feel attractive, and he made me feel so accepted in the deepest sense of my being, .... I bared my soul to him, and he seemed to see through me. He could really read me well. And where he don't, he asks and never assumes... and he knows what questions to ask, and how to ask... and I found myself completely naked and transparent and vulnerable before him, yet adored and accepted and secured. In other words, I felt he had "loved" me as who I am... fulfilling my motto of "Be who you are and see who you attract". Perhaps that's my softspot, my weakpoint, my Archille's heel, Archie's Backside or whatever.
It has always been hard to help people understand me. Because I am so complicated and I am yet to fully understand myself too. And I am not good at telling people about me, unless they know how to crack me open. ET, as my best friend, is so far the only person who knows me rather well... she knows how to "let me talk" and guide me through and ask the right questions... and that also took us several years of sharing and building to come to this depth of understanding & knowledge & relationship. Of course, no one can fight with God, HE who knows me from even before I was born. And only God knows how much pain I'm in right now. Yeah, I asked for it, I guess. Is there no hope outside of God? Are all doors closed on me? Am I doomed??
Will I ever find another like him? The thing is.. he is the one who found me!!! So...... Will I be discovered again? Yet, not anyone who "discover" me will be able to break through my defences and walls. I'm not about to fall in love with any Tom Dick or Harry (or have you heard that Tom's dick is hairy wahahahaha....) just because they "discovered" how brilliant and witty and charming and beautiful a person I am. I'm also anal and cynical and critical and prejudice and silly and emotional and needy and high maintenance so can you handle it? And even if you can, that doesn't mean you have what it takes to make me enjoy you, respect you and admire you and be attracted to you and feel connected to you. A friend told me recently over lunch, that it is highly difficult to find a soul mate in life who can also be your life partner. I guess.... I have no choice but to agree.
I love him. That's all I can say now.
Perhaps, I'll look back at this post one day and laugh at how silly I am. Then jump off a building. (hehehehehe... ok don't panic)
For now, I'm contemplating.... Loving with abandonment. Is that possible? What does it mean to love with abandonment?
I'm just being ridiculous, I guess. Well, let's see what tomorrow brings. Things are not as bad right? I'll be meeting him... how would it be? I will melt in his presence perhaps... I will love with total abandonment perhaps... or will I be an emotional wreck... hope not.. perhaps, it'll just all be natural and fun and back to normal!
Oh, anyway.... I have no idea how long I'll live. Will I live to be 80?? Anyway, when is Jesus coming back??? And... how long will this guy live??? (hur hur hur... sorry lah, not cursing him) So... why throw it all away? If it is good...Embrace it while you live! Seize the day, live the moment!!! And OH... so what if you did enter into a relationship with a man who promises marriage? In 2 years time he might say goodbye, or you can't wait to say goodbye, or you both DID get married but then later one of you found someone better and there goes the marriage. Yet... the difference is.. in the beginning when 2 person decides to go into a relationship.. they both hope to make it together in the end. Sigh... In my case, only one person is hoping the futile hope. So that means I might forever be insecure. Forever. Like I said, Ditched before even Hitched. Because 99% probability that it will come to nothing. And yes, he told me, perhaps we would be better off as just friends. TOO LATE. I told him. I've gone beyond that, can't turn back, I don't think I can neutralise it yet, I can't turn off the tap like that. Neither do I wanna force it, because that will break me into pieces. I'd rather it happen naturally... for some couples it happen that way.. things just sizzle off. Sad.
But why look so far? Why think so far? Because I'm silly that's why. And I've ruined it.
Yah I should have asked those questions 3 years later. Then it would have been a fucking good 3 years before coming to this stage. hahahahahahaha.... Anyway, someone waited 5 years to find out. Sigh.
So, I, the silly woman, will have to make my silly informed decisions. heh. I will cling on. I will not pass. I will not just give it up because there are no promises of a future. Because I nolonger have any dignity left.
And. I still can change my mind anytime. And no regrets... He's worth it. If you're shaking your head at me... I can understand. Well then, give me 10 men to try so I can have a better benchmark. Otherwise, he's the best I've got now. Yah, I sound desparate I know. Beggers can't be choosers you know~ ? Buahahahahahhaah... sad sad sad...
Anyway, I shan't continue to flatter myself that I'm really worthy of such love. But yet I will continue to hope. Hope that life will eventually sweep ashore another man (alive) that would have an eye for me and see what makes me unique. And I don't mean he's blind in one eye. WAH LAU EH... hahahahahahah....!!!!!
Well now, feel much better. Will write more again, next time. Forgive me for all the typing errors and atrocious grammar.. also the raw and unstructured unfiltered flow of words. I just don't have the mood to edit them. Enjoy what I've vomited verbally. My verbal diarrhea.
Hugs for me. *sob sob*
I feel soooooooooooooooooo lonely.
I feel Sooooooooooooooooo abandoned.
Good nite. Time to soak up the pillow. Time to shut out the world.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
30/01 . YES! Baby moment
YES!! I did it!!!
I finally diddditt!!!!
I held the most adorable baby in the Hoo family for more than a minute!! What a record! and here's the evidence to proof it.... Ain't baby David adorable??? He's in such a good mood... He nebber cry cry.... so Aunty Wviv Wviv nebber scared scared wor... HEH. ;P (but i must admit... my heart was wobbling while holding him... ) Yet.. with him sitting so peacefully in my arms that afternoon really made it such a nice moment, now captured :
Awwwwwww.......... *kiss kiss - muack muack*
I look kinda nervous, yeah? Teeheehee.....
*1 Resolution Completed* YES!!
I finally diddditt!!!!
I held the most adorable baby in the Hoo family for more than a minute!! What a record! and here's the evidence to proof it.... Ain't baby David adorable??? He's in such a good mood... He nebber cry cry.... so Aunty Wviv Wviv nebber scared scared wor... HEH. ;P (but i must admit... my heart was wobbling while holding him... ) Yet.. with him sitting so peacefully in my arms that afternoon really made it such a nice moment, now captured :
Awwwwwww.......... *kiss kiss - muack muack*
I look kinda nervous, yeah? Teeheehee.....
*1 Resolution Completed* YES!!
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