Sighhhh.... I'm Soooooooo UPSET!!!!!!
I really hate those bullies!!!!!!!
On 15 Nov 2006 .... that's bloody more than a year and half ago, I was about to turn out from the carpark at my HDB estate when a white Honda Wish drove in and wanted to turn into the carpark. Naturally, I braked and stop to give the right of way to the white car... BUT!!!! THE FUCKING WHITE HONDA WISH SWERVE SO CLOSE TO MY CAR, IT ACTUALLY SCRAPED IT'S SIDE OF THE CAR AGAINST MY CAR'S BUMBER!!!!!!
WTF!!!!!!!
I pulled the handbrake, got down the car, and went to the White car. The driver was a petite lady looking in her mid 30's. She got down the car and started accusing me of swerving into her path and damaging the car!!! OMG!!!! What??????????
So thence begun a quarrell between us at the bottom of my block's carpark, our voices echoing in the neighborhood. Some uncles standing nearby just stood and watch the cat fight. I told the lady I my car was stationery and how could it be that I scraped her car when she's the one moving so close and does not have the good sense to brake and slow down during turning. She said, "How would I know that my car is so close to yours??"... OMG~!!!
So I raised my voice in disbelief and said "What are your side mirrors for!!!!??? And where do you learn your driving???!! Doesn't your instructor teach you how to judge distance?? If you are too close, you should at least brake and then turn off slowly to maintain a save distance from another car!!! LOOK!!!! LOOK THERE!!!! My car is still WITHIN the L-Shape bracket and stop line!! I was well within my path and YOU drove into me, Bitch!!!!!"
The woman took out her mobile phone and called her husband, and started acting like a victim saying .. "Darling, I was turning into the carpark of Bukit Batok when this woman drove and swerve so closely into my path and before I could react, her car already scraped into your new car and now the whole side is badly damaged!! She is now so fierce and yelling at me in front of your son and trying to blame me and intimidate me! Darling, can you come?? I don't know what to do....."
WAH PIANG!!!! I CANNOT TAHAN THIS ... THIS... THIS KIND OF PRETENSIVE BITCH!!!!!!
After she put down the phone, I was so damn pissed off. I just said, "Wah, good lah, call husband lah, but doesn't change the fact that you are the one at fault!!!"
So she said, "Then??? What do you want me to to?? What do you want from me??!!!"
At that point, then it occured to me that pulling the hair out of each other and scratching each other's face will not solve the problem. And, I have somewhere to go.
So I said, "OK - let's at least exchange names and phone numbers and copy down each other's Car licence plate and see what to do later. " And that's what we did, and I drove off.
No, we didnt take pictures of the scene of crime. We didn't have our cameras with us. (and URGGHHHH~ It was later on that I kicked myself for being so stupid, because I forgot that my mobile phone has a camera~!! Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!)
Sigh....
Later that night, my brother met up with the bitch's husband and jointly we filled up the Accident Statement form. Signed on both versions, and part ways.
We never heard from them again.
Till lately.
It seems, they are now claiming damages against us : Repair costs, Loss of use, Legal fees, all other shit that was related. And my mum's car insurance Claim Executive informed us that they have now engaged a lawyer for this case and wants to claim all the damages, amounting to more than a thousand dollars. Repair cost is about S$630, but when inclusive of everything thing else including the legal fees, it will cost us more than S$1k.
This is so fucking unfair~!!!
And our insurance said that it's a 50/50 case, and there's nothing they can do about it. We can either go all the way to Court to settle this, or agree to the claims from the other party.
SHIT!!! We are not even the ones at fault and we have to pay for that stupid woman's driving mistake and their bullying fees????!!!!!!!
THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!! THIS IS INJUSTICE!!!!!
I AM SO UPSET!!!!!!!
I wish I could retaliate yet there's nothing we could do but to await the claims!!
The Insurance Company is now trying to get them to agree to us paying 20% of the damages. But in my opinion, they will not accept 20% if they've already gone all the way to engage legal help.
Mum is pissed, of course, because this will greatly affect her NCB moving forward.
Sigh......
Not fair... not fair at all.
I feel so lousy. I find it so hard to swallow this injustice.
I hate bullies.
I HATE BULLIES!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
So disappointed
After waiting for too long, finally got a call this afternoon while I was out with mum for some lunch and english tea at Forsters, Holland V.
The consultant from Search Agency informed me that the company I've been interviewing with had to put the position on hold due to a recent acquisition by their Parent Company. This means that they will inherit an additional 20+ people in Singapore and they have been asked to look into the internal pool for this resource. Only after the entire M&A exercise close in mid June can they know if they could go ahead to hire additional headcount (good news for me!) or they will have to close the position with an internal staff.
I think, the chances are slim that the position will eventually open up. There would still be the chance, but I wouldn't bet on it and neither do I wanna place any hope in it. Sighhh.... I am very disappointed, really really disappointed.
Suddenly I feel lost...
I tried encouraging myself that its ok, just start the search again and keep trying etc, but I can't help but feel this deep disappointment. The consultant told me that the 2 directors who interviewed me absolutely love me and want to hire me immediately if it is totally their call - but I am also over their budget and they would need further approval from HQ to let them "upgrade" the job so they can hire me.
Too many obstacles I guess.
Sigh..
I was very much looking forward to starting with them. The job seem interesting and they really look like nice bosses to work with. Also, I like the culture and also the nature of their business - in Audio/Web Communication. I was looking forward to start with them in June, so that it is a smooth transition and I could hide the truth from my parents that I've been retrenched. I planned to tell them that I was approached to consider a position, my boss supported it, and I got the job and moved into it.
Now, .. *poof* - gone. Nothing. Square one.
I guess I'll just have to suck it up and see what can I get.
The consultant said there's another new position that has came up, but she has not spoke to the client to learn further about the position's requirement yet. Judging from what she has read, she felt that I could potentially be a fit as well. This time, it is a HR position. She will let me know more next week.
Well, I hope this would be a good opportunity to consider. Honestly, my heart is still with this Communication Audio/Web conferencing company. And I kinda dread the word HR now.
Looks like my slimming plans need to be put on hold, LOL!! But that sounds so fatalistic. Yet, I need to exercise prudence too.
Oh well. ..
Will blog about more things tomorrow if there's time. I have so much to update, ahahhahahaha!!! Life continues to be interesting in tweetie's life!
I also wanna move the blog entries from my yahoo 360 over - some stuff are good stuff and its better that they are all housed in the same place, I guess.
Time to sleep. The medication is taking effect... eyelids are droopy... Zzz...zz....z...
The consultant from Search Agency informed me that the company I've been interviewing with had to put the position on hold due to a recent acquisition by their Parent Company. This means that they will inherit an additional 20+ people in Singapore and they have been asked to look into the internal pool for this resource. Only after the entire M&A exercise close in mid June can they know if they could go ahead to hire additional headcount (good news for me!) or they will have to close the position with an internal staff.
I think, the chances are slim that the position will eventually open up. There would still be the chance, but I wouldn't bet on it and neither do I wanna place any hope in it. Sighhh.... I am very disappointed, really really disappointed.
Suddenly I feel lost...
I tried encouraging myself that its ok, just start the search again and keep trying etc, but I can't help but feel this deep disappointment. The consultant told me that the 2 directors who interviewed me absolutely love me and want to hire me immediately if it is totally their call - but I am also over their budget and they would need further approval from HQ to let them "upgrade" the job so they can hire me.
Too many obstacles I guess.
Sigh..
I was very much looking forward to starting with them. The job seem interesting and they really look like nice bosses to work with. Also, I like the culture and also the nature of their business - in Audio/Web Communication. I was looking forward to start with them in June, so that it is a smooth transition and I could hide the truth from my parents that I've been retrenched. I planned to tell them that I was approached to consider a position, my boss supported it, and I got the job and moved into it.
Now, .. *poof* - gone. Nothing. Square one.
I guess I'll just have to suck it up and see what can I get.
The consultant said there's another new position that has came up, but she has not spoke to the client to learn further about the position's requirement yet. Judging from what she has read, she felt that I could potentially be a fit as well. This time, it is a HR position. She will let me know more next week.
Well, I hope this would be a good opportunity to consider. Honestly, my heart is still with this Communication Audio/Web conferencing company. And I kinda dread the word HR now.
Looks like my slimming plans need to be put on hold, LOL!! But that sounds so fatalistic. Yet, I need to exercise prudence too.
Oh well. ..
Will blog about more things tomorrow if there's time. I have so much to update, ahahhahahaha!!! Life continues to be interesting in tweetie's life!
I also wanna move the blog entries from my yahoo 360 over - some stuff are good stuff and its better that they are all housed in the same place, I guess.
Time to sleep. The medication is taking effect... eyelids are droopy... Zzz...zz....z...
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Feeling small and insecure
Never thought I'll feel this way, what overcame me?
Just returned from interviewng a candidate for my replacement, done over lunch together with boss and the FM. That's what we usually do for a 2nd interview, in a casual setting. More or less, I think Charlie will offer the position to J.Lim, she's the one who does not have the "emotional" dimension in her personality. She seems to be the perfect fit, coming across as confident, composed, down to earth, modest, pleasant, experienced, competent and many more. The other "2nd strongest" candidate, LL whom we met again today, is also very pleasant - more outgoing and warm, someone who works smart and has the potential to go far. I like both very much. Frankly, I feel LLL will blend much better into the culture and bond better with the staff.
However, boss does seem to have a big problem with LLL, because he felt that she will potentially have outbursts of emotions and will offend people because of the lack of tact - that is based on the CVAT profile results. I tend to disagree, because I do feel that LLL is streetwise and will be able to handle people well, and in fact, able to be more approachable and nurturing than JLim.
From the way I observe how boss is so paranoid about those candidates who, according to the CVAT results scored low on politics (which means, they have the tendencies to be transparent, wearing their heart out on their sleeves, readable, expressive, trusting, takes things at face value, more direct, less subtle etc.), or scored higher in feelings & emotions, I begin to perceive that he is trying to avoid someone who may be blunt & emotionally rich - like me!!! Instinctively, (or perhaps just being hypersensitive), I felt he really would be happy to be rid of me. In fact, on the way back to office, in the car, he even said to me, "...That's why I don't want to get someone like you". Gosh!!! How sensitive can he be!!!???? I had to fight back my tears and the sense of rejection and hurt that threatens to just rise from within and take over. I went very quiet, though trying to look normal and cheery.
Suddenly, I feel very discouraged.
I feel so small and unwanted.
I feel as though I've been betrayed.
Perhaps he had not really meant it when he said he really don't want to let me go and was fighting hard for me to remain. Perhaps, he had not really fought at all! Perhaps he was happy to help push the coffin out into the water. Perhaps all the whole speech about letting me go earlier in June instead of July for my own good is just a whole sugar coating packaging to disguise his secret earnesty to get someone new and different. Sigh, I don't like this train of negative thoughts and where they are leading. I'm now guilty of feeding the wounds of rejection and thinking wild thoughts.
I was genuinely happy to have seen 2 candidates whom I am 120% sure would do a much better job than me, able to do much more, and add much more value to the company than me, at HALF the salary cost. Through interviewing them, I do secretly feel ashamed of myself and know that I am only half as good and efficient. I do know that I'm not doing something I am naturally good at, I am not working on tasks I enjoy or are good at doing. I did not have a choice but to just take on all the responsibilities thrown at me. I am the professional Unprofessional here. Sigh..
Although 2 nights ago during a discussion, boss said I should give myself more credit - but right now I wonder if that is just being kind & encouraging or does he truly meant it. I am not intimidated by the more efficient candidates who cost less. I know where I stand and I know where I came from. I know I am not cut out for such jobs. I know what I'm better at doing and it is not in juggling administration and multitasking and detail work. I consider myself blessed & fortunate to be sitting where I am and enjoying the perks and salary level for the past 6 months since the promotion. But all these will come to an end in a few weeks. I am down to earth. I know will miss it badly but life will go on. Wherever I land, I will just have to shine in my own way. Be happy in my own way.
I guess.. I just hate to have been living in self-deception or living under the false impression that everyone likes me and appreciates me, only to come to the rude awakening that it is not true or people thinks otherwise. Sigh..
I think, I also felt the pangs of being side stepped. I was the right hand person.. and it sort of made me feel important. For the past few weeks, boss no longer come to me for anything. The entire office renovation is handled by the FM, but in the past, boss would've at least still chat with me about what he thinks, what he plans to do, what do I think, anything I might want to add or he needs to consider.. etc. But in this project, not even an opinion had he sought of me. Why do I feel so sour about it? I guess I this is the downfall of being an emotional person. Feels too much. Thinks too much. Too sensitive. Am I being petty? Sigh... I guess, I was used to working closely with him and playing his sounding board and giving my input. The sudden change throws me off into insecurity.
And see?? Because I am emotional and sensitive, I am now unhappy over something petty. This is high maintenance. It will be draining and exhausting at work to not only deal with problems but also the feelings of sensitive emotional women who has problem hiding how they are feeling. No wonder he would want someone more objective and emotionally controlled. I guess.. those little "fights" I had with him does have its detrimental effects. I have been naive. I feel so lousy. I guess, its true that emotions in the workplace should be kept to minimal. I will probably need to improve on that. I doubt there is much I can really do about me. Sigh....
Colleagues came to me asking questions about the renovation, raising their concerns. But I have no answer for them. They are surprised that boss have not discussed any of the plan or details with me. I just shrugged and say that perhaps he knows there're too many things on my plate and he's leaving me to focus on those issues first. I personally believe that boss has not involved me in this project because I'm on my way OUT anyway and also will no longer be part of the team nor be directly affected by the new office arrangements, hence, just totally leave me out of the picture. And of course, I can't tell my colleagues that... I have to be cool and hide from them the fact that I'll be leaving... oh gosh, I feel such grief in my heart.
But soon, on Monday, they will be informed.
I expected that most of them would be sad to see me go. At least 3 of them had told me I'm one reason they feel that it is a great place to come to work. One said she decided to take the job because secretly she hoped I'll be her boss (during the interview), one had decided not to just quit without a job and decided to stay on and perservere because she felt that as long as I'm around, she has someone to relate to. But now, I think, perhaps I'm just flattering myself. Anyway, Charlie is an equally good boss who is fun and cares about the people. And JLim will be equally perfect as a new addition. My time is over, and time to move on. Hopefully, I will still be a blessing to somebody, wherever I land. I will try.
Hopefully, by tomorrow boss could decide who he would hire as my replacement. In a way, I hope it is JLim. The greatest advantage is - she can start work immediately (perhaps on Monday itself, haha!) and she will have no problem understanding the job. She can also act as an additional helping hand as well as allowing me to commence transition immediately. I will be able to leave as soon as possible. Maybe end of May! Wow!
I was feeling sad and down that I will be leaving the company. Past few days I have felt increasing sadness within me.. and with today's experience, I felt worse. Perhaps I won't really be missed after all. Sometimes people are just being nice. Better I go quickly la! I don't go where I am not welcomed or wanted. This is also the reason why I choose not to run after men. I don't have a strong inner game to handle rejection. Soft like tofu.
I think, now I just wish I have a big shell like the snail or tortise to shrink and hide.
Things really don't seem to be going on well for me.
I know I'm probably wrong, but I guess right now, I'm just having my pity party. I'll be alright when the party's over.
I know for a fact I'm loved and appreciated. I just don't feel it right now, that's all.. and feelings come and go. So you can't always depend on it. Urghhh... I'm hurting so badly.
With this, I do wish I am like the young girl Eve (a reader of Cresent Soar), who - even after being bombarded & trashed by everyone - still seems not to care and holds her own, retaliating and standing for herself and no one could beat her down. She's adorable in her own way, perhaps just misunderstood and immature.. although I will never wanna be associated with her. Anyway, it's not my nature to be trashing anyone with such mean words and insults (I've been doing that recently, without restraint) - I'm not proud of it. Somehow, that's kinda ungracious of me, hahaha!! (I'm so tempted to say who cares!). Aiya, hopefully I can resist the urge to tell her off in the comments again next time. Getting too involved or carried away is not good.
OK lah, gotta stop. Had to go down to Orchard road now to hand over the expat's apartment back to landlord. Then, followed by the slimming session at Beyond Beauty Park Mall. Yes, I signed up a promotional package last July for 8 sessions of slimming (hahahaha!! waste of money!!!) and now I'm just trying to fulfill it by using it up all at once, 2x per week for an hour of fat jigging treatment. I already know what the result will be : Softer fats, but none the lesser. Bcos all these treatment could only attempt to warm the fats up or try to break it down into smaller molecules to allow some drainage out of the body. Blehhhhhhhh~... whatever. I just hope I won't be persuaded to buy more extra sessions "to see results". Wait till I get my retrenchment payment and job offer. Then I will have some extra cash to throw into "effective shortcuts" to fat reduction. Kekeke...
OK lah, party's over.
It's ok lah, won't die lah. Disappointment only la.
It's ok........ Things are not as bad as they seem la.
Just need to see past the gloomy grey clouds, and bearing in mind that there are still the silver linings. Ya?
^.^
*self hug*
I've also still not told my family about my retrenchment. I'm hoping I could sandwich the bad news with the good news that I have another job to transit to. The potential employer have invited me down for a 3rd & final interview next Tues, hopefully there will be good news by Wednesday. That would be really really great! I would have something to look forward to. I wish me all the best!!!!!!
Go Tweetie go!!
Just returned from interviewng a candidate for my replacement, done over lunch together with boss and the FM. That's what we usually do for a 2nd interview, in a casual setting. More or less, I think Charlie will offer the position to J.Lim, she's the one who does not have the "emotional" dimension in her personality. She seems to be the perfect fit, coming across as confident, composed, down to earth, modest, pleasant, experienced, competent and many more. The other "2nd strongest" candidate, LL whom we met again today, is also very pleasant - more outgoing and warm, someone who works smart and has the potential to go far. I like both very much. Frankly, I feel LLL will blend much better into the culture and bond better with the staff.
However, boss does seem to have a big problem with LLL, because he felt that she will potentially have outbursts of emotions and will offend people because of the lack of tact - that is based on the CVAT profile results. I tend to disagree, because I do feel that LLL is streetwise and will be able to handle people well, and in fact, able to be more approachable and nurturing than JLim.
From the way I observe how boss is so paranoid about those candidates who, according to the CVAT results scored low on politics (which means, they have the tendencies to be transparent, wearing their heart out on their sleeves, readable, expressive, trusting, takes things at face value, more direct, less subtle etc.), or scored higher in feelings & emotions, I begin to perceive that he is trying to avoid someone who may be blunt & emotionally rich - like me!!! Instinctively, (or perhaps just being hypersensitive), I felt he really would be happy to be rid of me. In fact, on the way back to office, in the car, he even said to me, "...That's why I don't want to get someone like you". Gosh!!! How sensitive can he be!!!???? I had to fight back my tears and the sense of rejection and hurt that threatens to just rise from within and take over. I went very quiet, though trying to look normal and cheery.
Suddenly, I feel very discouraged.
I feel so small and unwanted.
I feel as though I've been betrayed.
Perhaps he had not really meant it when he said he really don't want to let me go and was fighting hard for me to remain. Perhaps, he had not really fought at all! Perhaps he was happy to help push the coffin out into the water. Perhaps all the whole speech about letting me go earlier in June instead of July for my own good is just a whole sugar coating packaging to disguise his secret earnesty to get someone new and different. Sigh, I don't like this train of negative thoughts and where they are leading. I'm now guilty of feeding the wounds of rejection and thinking wild thoughts.
I was genuinely happy to have seen 2 candidates whom I am 120% sure would do a much better job than me, able to do much more, and add much more value to the company than me, at HALF the salary cost. Through interviewing them, I do secretly feel ashamed of myself and know that I am only half as good and efficient. I do know that I'm not doing something I am naturally good at, I am not working on tasks I enjoy or are good at doing. I did not have a choice but to just take on all the responsibilities thrown at me. I am the professional Unprofessional here. Sigh..
Although 2 nights ago during a discussion, boss said I should give myself more credit - but right now I wonder if that is just being kind & encouraging or does he truly meant it. I am not intimidated by the more efficient candidates who cost less. I know where I stand and I know where I came from. I know I am not cut out for such jobs. I know what I'm better at doing and it is not in juggling administration and multitasking and detail work. I consider myself blessed & fortunate to be sitting where I am and enjoying the perks and salary level for the past 6 months since the promotion. But all these will come to an end in a few weeks. I am down to earth. I know will miss it badly but life will go on. Wherever I land, I will just have to shine in my own way. Be happy in my own way.
I guess.. I just hate to have been living in self-deception or living under the false impression that everyone likes me and appreciates me, only to come to the rude awakening that it is not true or people thinks otherwise. Sigh..
I think, I also felt the pangs of being side stepped. I was the right hand person.. and it sort of made me feel important. For the past few weeks, boss no longer come to me for anything. The entire office renovation is handled by the FM, but in the past, boss would've at least still chat with me about what he thinks, what he plans to do, what do I think, anything I might want to add or he needs to consider.. etc. But in this project, not even an opinion had he sought of me. Why do I feel so sour about it? I guess I this is the downfall of being an emotional person. Feels too much. Thinks too much. Too sensitive. Am I being petty? Sigh... I guess, I was used to working closely with him and playing his sounding board and giving my input. The sudden change throws me off into insecurity.
And see?? Because I am emotional and sensitive, I am now unhappy over something petty. This is high maintenance. It will be draining and exhausting at work to not only deal with problems but also the feelings of sensitive emotional women who has problem hiding how they are feeling. No wonder he would want someone more objective and emotionally controlled. I guess.. those little "fights" I had with him does have its detrimental effects. I have been naive. I feel so lousy. I guess, its true that emotions in the workplace should be kept to minimal. I will probably need to improve on that. I doubt there is much I can really do about me. Sigh....
Colleagues came to me asking questions about the renovation, raising their concerns. But I have no answer for them. They are surprised that boss have not discussed any of the plan or details with me. I just shrugged and say that perhaps he knows there're too many things on my plate and he's leaving me to focus on those issues first. I personally believe that boss has not involved me in this project because I'm on my way OUT anyway and also will no longer be part of the team nor be directly affected by the new office arrangements, hence, just totally leave me out of the picture. And of course, I can't tell my colleagues that... I have to be cool and hide from them the fact that I'll be leaving... oh gosh, I feel such grief in my heart.
But soon, on Monday, they will be informed.
I expected that most of them would be sad to see me go. At least 3 of them had told me I'm one reason they feel that it is a great place to come to work. One said she decided to take the job because secretly she hoped I'll be her boss (during the interview), one had decided not to just quit without a job and decided to stay on and perservere because she felt that as long as I'm around, she has someone to relate to. But now, I think, perhaps I'm just flattering myself. Anyway, Charlie is an equally good boss who is fun and cares about the people. And JLim will be equally perfect as a new addition. My time is over, and time to move on. Hopefully, I will still be a blessing to somebody, wherever I land. I will try.
Hopefully, by tomorrow boss could decide who he would hire as my replacement. In a way, I hope it is JLim. The greatest advantage is - she can start work immediately (perhaps on Monday itself, haha!) and she will have no problem understanding the job. She can also act as an additional helping hand as well as allowing me to commence transition immediately. I will be able to leave as soon as possible. Maybe end of May! Wow!
I was feeling sad and down that I will be leaving the company. Past few days I have felt increasing sadness within me.. and with today's experience, I felt worse. Perhaps I won't really be missed after all. Sometimes people are just being nice. Better I go quickly la! I don't go where I am not welcomed or wanted. This is also the reason why I choose not to run after men. I don't have a strong inner game to handle rejection. Soft like tofu.
I think, now I just wish I have a big shell like the snail or tortise to shrink and hide.
Things really don't seem to be going on well for me.
I know I'm probably wrong, but I guess right now, I'm just having my pity party. I'll be alright when the party's over.
I know for a fact I'm loved and appreciated. I just don't feel it right now, that's all.. and feelings come and go. So you can't always depend on it. Urghhh... I'm hurting so badly.
With this, I do wish I am like the young girl Eve (a reader of Cresent Soar), who - even after being bombarded & trashed by everyone - still seems not to care and holds her own, retaliating and standing for herself and no one could beat her down. She's adorable in her own way, perhaps just misunderstood and immature.. although I will never wanna be associated with her. Anyway, it's not my nature to be trashing anyone with such mean words and insults (I've been doing that recently, without restraint) - I'm not proud of it. Somehow, that's kinda ungracious of me, hahaha!! (I'm so tempted to say who cares!). Aiya, hopefully I can resist the urge to tell her off in the comments again next time. Getting too involved or carried away is not good.
OK lah, gotta stop. Had to go down to Orchard road now to hand over the expat's apartment back to landlord. Then, followed by the slimming session at Beyond Beauty Park Mall. Yes, I signed up a promotional package last July for 8 sessions of slimming (hahahaha!! waste of money!!!) and now I'm just trying to fulfill it by using it up all at once, 2x per week for an hour of fat jigging treatment. I already know what the result will be : Softer fats, but none the lesser. Bcos all these treatment could only attempt to warm the fats up or try to break it down into smaller molecules to allow some drainage out of the body. Blehhhhhhhh~... whatever. I just hope I won't be persuaded to buy more extra sessions "to see results". Wait till I get my retrenchment payment and job offer. Then I will have some extra cash to throw into "effective shortcuts" to fat reduction. Kekeke...
OK lah, party's over.
It's ok lah, won't die lah. Disappointment only la.
It's ok........ Things are not as bad as they seem la.
Just need to see past the gloomy grey clouds, and bearing in mind that there are still the silver linings. Ya?
^.^
*self hug*
I've also still not told my family about my retrenchment. I'm hoping I could sandwich the bad news with the good news that I have another job to transit to. The potential employer have invited me down for a 3rd & final interview next Tues, hopefully there will be good news by Wednesday. That would be really really great! I would have something to look forward to. I wish me all the best!!!!!!
Go Tweetie go!!
Sunday, May 04, 2008
What a blunder!!! What a boo boo!!!
Urrggghhhhh... how could I?????!!!
Bloody shit, that is terrible of me!! I feel so damn lousy now!!! SHIT!! SHIT!! SHIT!!!!!
*BIG SIGH~* -_-
Now what have I done? That is cruel and careless and I don't think I can live with it. Can't!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Met up with Kurt for a movie tonight.
Some background on who's Kurt :
He's the last guy I dated, 3 weeks back on 17 April - the same fateful day I was informed of my retrenchment. The first date was magical... we seemed to share so much chemistry with each other - it felt unbelievable. The following day he was already sending sweet sms and calling me his darling. Then he asked me to celebrate his birthday with him falling on 28th April. I was thrilled and felt that finally I had met somebody genuine and not in a complicated situation. I had even embraced the hope that I might really go into a real healthy wholesome relationship this time with a man that I am mutually attracted to, who seemed to like me for the right reasons, who seemed to be not so bad himself - in fact, he seemed better than most of the guys i've met recently, other than Nick. Nick is still the most outstanding, yet not "normal" and "not available for committment".
Anyway, during the day we met for a 2nd date, things start to "go wrong". He had lost his digital cam due to some carelessness and needed to buy a new one. He asked if that could be his birthday gift. I agreed promptly, and later when my brain starts working, I felt like a lamb to the slaughter. Spent $700 for his camera., a Sony T300 latest model, add 2 years warranty. The 3rd time we went out, he claimed to be low on petrol and it won't last till end of the month, and has not been paid commission by the company he works for since Dec 2006. It seems that his base pay is damn low (Pay bucket is 20% base pay, 80% Commission), and he could hardly cope. He drives a BMW, by the way, and tonight I manage to get the licence no - It is SDY6699R. Anyway, I agreed to help him pay for Petrol. We realised that his cashcard is also damn low, at $5.65 when we entered the Orchard Cineleisure carpark, planning to watch a late night show. Hence, I also agreed to help him top up his cash card. Otherwise, he'll probably be in trouble out on the roads with the ERP gantries everywhere.
I passed him S$100 for the petrol, because he kept saying that in case we forgot to pump petrol and I ran off or went home, at least he has the cash to pay the petrol. At the Petrol station, I paid for the petrol with credit card, amount to about S$64. Then we stopped at 7-11 where I asked him back for the cash to top up the cash card. He only gave me one piece of the S$50 note back. I noted it silently, and helped him get the cash card top up with S$50. He never did give me back the unused S$50. This whole event set off all the warning and alarm bells in my system that he is most probably a conman out to cheat or prey on women's money. Yet, it is so hard to reconcile and tag him to such a crime. I guess, I was in denial. I wanted to believe that he really did like me and is sincere about me. I was not willing to believe that I met another asshole again.
Lots of things I find strange about him and really began to seriously doubt his integrity. I find him evasive, and a mystery. He claimed to be my boyfriend (since the 2nd date) and calls me his darling, wanna bring me for holiday in Bangkok in July, hinted that I will be his wife - yet all I get are sms that just asks where am I and what am I doing.... and no phone calls. When I call him instead, he either sounds uncomfortable on the phone or would try to end the call briefly. He never answer questions directly and if the questions were asked via sms then I can expect it to be ignored. I never had the luxury of chatting with him on daily ordinary stuff that could help us get to know each other. In fact, I dont feel that he was trying to get to know me better, nor allowing me to know him.
So now, back to tonight :
He had asked to meet me for a movie tonight. He said he had to be at a wedding dinner and will meet me after it ends about 11pm - and he'll be at the cinema around 11.30pm. Hence I booked the tickets for the 11.40pm show for SuperHeroes Movie at the Orchard Cineleisure. At 11pm, he arrived - early. It was nice to see him again though, he still looks charming in his own way, and of course, he was telling me that I looked absolutely stunning. Yet, I find that so hard to believe (although I do know I look sexy & fabulous & fantastic, heh heh~). Sigh.. I just can't believe a word of his compliment anymore. I do wonder if I'm being overly sceptical or cynical or suspicious of him. He behaved naturally, taking my hand or reaching for mine when we are heading somewhere. He took little kisses from my lips and held me by the waist or shoulders.. yet, I can't feel any closeness. Perhaps my heart has shut him out to protect myself against possible hurt.
While trying to kill time waiting for the movie to start (we had 40mins), I had hoped to have some time to sit down and have a talk with him, to clear the air - yet he didnt give me a chance. We stopped in front of some giant soft toys at one point and he asked me to pose and took a picture of me, using his new camera. He also asked me to help take one for him using the same cam. Yet when I said I wanted to take a picture of him & us with my camera, he just give me a cheeky smile and walked quickly away. This tells me he is simply not allowing me to have a picture of him. When I asked him why hadn't he sent me the pictures of us he last took at the Shangrila Blue Horizon, he just said that he can't do it due to a technical problem. I asked what technical problem - and he just said somehow he can't send it out, and asked me to send him my email address again. Geez, this guy is good, he avoid answering my questions by giving irrelavant answers. I just didn't want to press it at that point, besides, he kept trying to distract me with other things so I could not bite into the matter.
During the movie, we're almost like 2 strangers sitting beside each other. Except that before movie starts, he took both my hands to examine my fingers and nails. When I ask why, he said "nothing, just admiring them" and a quick little smile. During the movie, he was also yawning away and kept rubbing his right eye as though he's gonna dig it out. I could tell he's tired. Oh, he told me he skipped dessert to be able to arrive early at the cinema, because he didn't want me to wait alone for too long (I had to be there an hour prior to the movie to collect the tickets). I thought that was really sweet of him... yet, at the back of my mind, I wondered if he really did come from a wedding dinner at Ritz Carlton. I nearly wanted to take up his offer during the afternoon phonecall to meet him at Ritz and be introduced to the Bride & Groom. I only asked where the wedding dinner would be, and he replied that I sounded like his immature possessive ex-girlfriend whom he had to report daily to. Of course I was pissed off! Oh well, forget it.
After the movie ended, while walking out of the theatre, he rubbed his tummy and told me he don't feel good - probably due to the milk he drank. (Milk? When did he get the chance to drink milk? If I ask, he'd surely said he stop by somewhere after the wedding dinner to get milk to drink.) Oh by the way, he seemed quite an unhealthy person. He told me he has a weak bladder (which I asked after observing that he needed to go toilet pretty often during our past 3 dates) - I wonder if he just needed to go to the gents to call his other darlings. He also had weak stomach and don't take certain food well, hence prone to tummy discomfort. He easily don't feel well, feel nausea, or other stuff. Tonight, he claimed that he needed to keep walking about because his chest don't feel good, almost could not breath, not sure why and would feel better if he kept walking - I wondered if he was trying to avoid sitting down with me because he know I wanted to talk, and has questions to ask.
Anyway, as we're about to leave, I told him its ok not to send me home tonight - I'll catch a cab back. Besides, he really looked so tired and was not feeling well, I didnt have the heart to want him send me home all the way (he stays in Bedok, while I stayed in Bukit Batok) - perhaps can save some petrol as well. He gave me a grateful nod, said I'm so sweet... but insisted on sending me out with his car and dropping me off at the entrance. So I agreed. In the car, he asked me to close my eyes, took my hand, and he put a ring on my finger. I felt confused... touched... sad....... (-_-). I liked the ring, it is really very sweet of him, a really sweet surprise. The ring seems like an ordinary (cheap) costume jewelry, yet to me, its always the thought that counts. He said he noticed I seem to like rings, and they look good on my hand, and so he bought one to surprise me. I felt bad that instance about all the thoughts I have of him, yet, I know that there is also this great heaviness and doubt I feel in my heart and the initial attraction I had for him has sort of died - due to the lack of open communication, the doubts, frustrations and all that has taken place so far. SIGH...
When he dropped me off at the main road, he apologised sincerely for not being able to send me home, which I told him its fine, not to worry - and he drove off. I watched his black car sped off into the distance, and sms a short message to Twinkle. She had wanted to know how tonight went.
This is the part where, to my horror, I sent the message out to Kurt instead!!!!! OMG!!!!! How could my fingers be so dumb!!! How could I make such a mistake!!!! I tried turning my phone off immediately - but it was too late. The message has gone out to him. OH SHIT!!!!!!!
My sms says :
Just to inform that nothing happen. Didn't even get to talk. We just watched the movie- which was damn lame and not worth it. After movie I said its ok not to send me back, he doesn't seem well also. Gave me a ring as a surprise, sigh. Gonna catch a cab home now. Strange guy. I give up.Won't bother liao. Anyway, I no longer feel attracted to him nor want anything more. :-)
Seriously, my heart nearly stop.
I felt utterly utterly utterly lousy that this message was sent to him!!!!
SHIT!!!!!
There's no way to take it back!!!
Therefore, I sent another one to him saying :
Sorry I sent it to you by mistake, sms was meant for my best friend who wanna know how's my night....... but might as well you know how i feel. Sigh, I really dont understand you. I'm sorry.
Sigh!!!!!
That's all.
No reply from him at all.
I guess... both the messages would have sent him a strong and obvious message that it is time for him to fuck off, move off.
I wonder, if I've screwed it all up.
Tonight, he didn't mention anything about money at all.
Instead, he had wanted to get the tickets but I said I'll just do it online to ensure we have the seats we want.
And Instead, he GAVE me a ring.
What if ... he was really sincere about me but just have his own quirky ways?
Sighhhhhhh......... I feel so bad, so lousy, so remorseful. Why am I so careless!!!!
And of couse, I worry that he would be hurt. I have not intended to hurt anyone.
I guess, I just have to live with it.
What a twist of event. Perhaps it is for the better. Because I do know that me and him are not compatible in many areas. Communication is already one. Also, I don't think I want to constantly worry about his finances - whether he has money to pay for petrol, to pay for anything including food, or when will he pop the next question to ask me to help pay for something?
Urgh!!! WHATEVER!!!!
I think this boo boo I made will surely bug me for days, surely surely surely! I feeeeeeel so so so so so so so so so so bad about this. Sigh!!!!!!!! How embarrassing!
I hope he'll reply or say something. Whatever he might say will definitely help me feel better than plain silence, not knowing what he's thinking!
I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Sigh....
Bloody shit, that is terrible of me!! I feel so damn lousy now!!! SHIT!! SHIT!! SHIT!!!!!
*BIG SIGH~* -_-
Now what have I done? That is cruel and careless and I don't think I can live with it. Can't!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Met up with Kurt for a movie tonight.
Some background on who's Kurt :
He's the last guy I dated, 3 weeks back on 17 April - the same fateful day I was informed of my retrenchment. The first date was magical... we seemed to share so much chemistry with each other - it felt unbelievable. The following day he was already sending sweet sms and calling me his darling. Then he asked me to celebrate his birthday with him falling on 28th April. I was thrilled and felt that finally I had met somebody genuine and not in a complicated situation. I had even embraced the hope that I might really go into a real healthy wholesome relationship this time with a man that I am mutually attracted to, who seemed to like me for the right reasons, who seemed to be not so bad himself - in fact, he seemed better than most of the guys i've met recently, other than Nick. Nick is still the most outstanding, yet not "normal" and "not available for committment".
Anyway, during the day we met for a 2nd date, things start to "go wrong". He had lost his digital cam due to some carelessness and needed to buy a new one. He asked if that could be his birthday gift. I agreed promptly, and later when my brain starts working, I felt like a lamb to the slaughter. Spent $700 for his camera., a Sony T300 latest model, add 2 years warranty. The 3rd time we went out, he claimed to be low on petrol and it won't last till end of the month, and has not been paid commission by the company he works for since Dec 2006. It seems that his base pay is damn low (Pay bucket is 20% base pay, 80% Commission), and he could hardly cope. He drives a BMW, by the way, and tonight I manage to get the licence no - It is SDY6699R. Anyway, I agreed to help him pay for Petrol. We realised that his cashcard is also damn low, at $5.65 when we entered the Orchard Cineleisure carpark, planning to watch a late night show. Hence, I also agreed to help him top up his cash card. Otherwise, he'll probably be in trouble out on the roads with the ERP gantries everywhere.
I passed him S$100 for the petrol, because he kept saying that in case we forgot to pump petrol and I ran off or went home, at least he has the cash to pay the petrol. At the Petrol station, I paid for the petrol with credit card, amount to about S$64. Then we stopped at 7-11 where I asked him back for the cash to top up the cash card. He only gave me one piece of the S$50 note back. I noted it silently, and helped him get the cash card top up with S$50. He never did give me back the unused S$50. This whole event set off all the warning and alarm bells in my system that he is most probably a conman out to cheat or prey on women's money. Yet, it is so hard to reconcile and tag him to such a crime. I guess, I was in denial. I wanted to believe that he really did like me and is sincere about me. I was not willing to believe that I met another asshole again.
Lots of things I find strange about him and really began to seriously doubt his integrity. I find him evasive, and a mystery. He claimed to be my boyfriend (since the 2nd date) and calls me his darling, wanna bring me for holiday in Bangkok in July, hinted that I will be his wife - yet all I get are sms that just asks where am I and what am I doing.... and no phone calls. When I call him instead, he either sounds uncomfortable on the phone or would try to end the call briefly. He never answer questions directly and if the questions were asked via sms then I can expect it to be ignored. I never had the luxury of chatting with him on daily ordinary stuff that could help us get to know each other. In fact, I dont feel that he was trying to get to know me better, nor allowing me to know him.
So now, back to tonight :
He had asked to meet me for a movie tonight. He said he had to be at a wedding dinner and will meet me after it ends about 11pm - and he'll be at the cinema around 11.30pm. Hence I booked the tickets for the 11.40pm show for SuperHeroes Movie at the Orchard Cineleisure. At 11pm, he arrived - early. It was nice to see him again though, he still looks charming in his own way, and of course, he was telling me that I looked absolutely stunning. Yet, I find that so hard to believe (although I do know I look sexy & fabulous & fantastic, heh heh~). Sigh.. I just can't believe a word of his compliment anymore. I do wonder if I'm being overly sceptical or cynical or suspicious of him. He behaved naturally, taking my hand or reaching for mine when we are heading somewhere. He took little kisses from my lips and held me by the waist or shoulders.. yet, I can't feel any closeness. Perhaps my heart has shut him out to protect myself against possible hurt.
While trying to kill time waiting for the movie to start (we had 40mins), I had hoped to have some time to sit down and have a talk with him, to clear the air - yet he didnt give me a chance. We stopped in front of some giant soft toys at one point and he asked me to pose and took a picture of me, using his new camera. He also asked me to help take one for him using the same cam. Yet when I said I wanted to take a picture of him & us with my camera, he just give me a cheeky smile and walked quickly away. This tells me he is simply not allowing me to have a picture of him. When I asked him why hadn't he sent me the pictures of us he last took at the Shangrila Blue Horizon, he just said that he can't do it due to a technical problem. I asked what technical problem - and he just said somehow he can't send it out, and asked me to send him my email address again. Geez, this guy is good, he avoid answering my questions by giving irrelavant answers. I just didn't want to press it at that point, besides, he kept trying to distract me with other things so I could not bite into the matter.
During the movie, we're almost like 2 strangers sitting beside each other. Except that before movie starts, he took both my hands to examine my fingers and nails. When I ask why, he said "nothing, just admiring them" and a quick little smile. During the movie, he was also yawning away and kept rubbing his right eye as though he's gonna dig it out. I could tell he's tired. Oh, he told me he skipped dessert to be able to arrive early at the cinema, because he didn't want me to wait alone for too long (I had to be there an hour prior to the movie to collect the tickets). I thought that was really sweet of him... yet, at the back of my mind, I wondered if he really did come from a wedding dinner at Ritz Carlton. I nearly wanted to take up his offer during the afternoon phonecall to meet him at Ritz and be introduced to the Bride & Groom. I only asked where the wedding dinner would be, and he replied that I sounded like his immature possessive ex-girlfriend whom he had to report daily to. Of course I was pissed off! Oh well, forget it.
After the movie ended, while walking out of the theatre, he rubbed his tummy and told me he don't feel good - probably due to the milk he drank. (Milk? When did he get the chance to drink milk? If I ask, he'd surely said he stop by somewhere after the wedding dinner to get milk to drink.) Oh by the way, he seemed quite an unhealthy person. He told me he has a weak bladder (which I asked after observing that he needed to go toilet pretty often during our past 3 dates) - I wonder if he just needed to go to the gents to call his other darlings. He also had weak stomach and don't take certain food well, hence prone to tummy discomfort. He easily don't feel well, feel nausea, or other stuff. Tonight, he claimed that he needed to keep walking about because his chest don't feel good, almost could not breath, not sure why and would feel better if he kept walking - I wondered if he was trying to avoid sitting down with me because he know I wanted to talk, and has questions to ask.
Anyway, as we're about to leave, I told him its ok not to send me home tonight - I'll catch a cab back. Besides, he really looked so tired and was not feeling well, I didnt have the heart to want him send me home all the way (he stays in Bedok, while I stayed in Bukit Batok) - perhaps can save some petrol as well. He gave me a grateful nod, said I'm so sweet... but insisted on sending me out with his car and dropping me off at the entrance. So I agreed. In the car, he asked me to close my eyes, took my hand, and he put a ring on my finger. I felt confused... touched... sad....... (-_-). I liked the ring, it is really very sweet of him, a really sweet surprise. The ring seems like an ordinary (cheap) costume jewelry, yet to me, its always the thought that counts. He said he noticed I seem to like rings, and they look good on my hand, and so he bought one to surprise me. I felt bad that instance about all the thoughts I have of him, yet, I know that there is also this great heaviness and doubt I feel in my heart and the initial attraction I had for him has sort of died - due to the lack of open communication, the doubts, frustrations and all that has taken place so far. SIGH...
When he dropped me off at the main road, he apologised sincerely for not being able to send me home, which I told him its fine, not to worry - and he drove off. I watched his black car sped off into the distance, and sms a short message to Twinkle. She had wanted to know how tonight went.
This is the part where, to my horror, I sent the message out to Kurt instead!!!!! OMG!!!!! How could my fingers be so dumb!!! How could I make such a mistake!!!! I tried turning my phone off immediately - but it was too late. The message has gone out to him. OH SHIT!!!!!!!
My sms says :
Just to inform that nothing happen. Didn't even get to talk. We just watched the movie- which was damn lame and not worth it. After movie I said its ok not to send me back, he doesn't seem well also. Gave me a ring as a surprise, sigh. Gonna catch a cab home now. Strange guy. I give up.Won't bother liao. Anyway, I no longer feel attracted to him nor want anything more. :-)
Seriously, my heart nearly stop.
I felt utterly utterly utterly lousy that this message was sent to him!!!!
SHIT!!!!!
There's no way to take it back!!!
Therefore, I sent another one to him saying :
Sorry I sent it to you by mistake, sms was meant for my best friend who wanna know how's my night....... but might as well you know how i feel. Sigh, I really dont understand you. I'm sorry.
Sigh!!!!!
That's all.
No reply from him at all.
I guess... both the messages would have sent him a strong and obvious message that it is time for him to fuck off, move off.
I wonder, if I've screwed it all up.
Tonight, he didn't mention anything about money at all.
Instead, he had wanted to get the tickets but I said I'll just do it online to ensure we have the seats we want.
And Instead, he GAVE me a ring.
What if ... he was really sincere about me but just have his own quirky ways?
Sighhhhhhh......... I feel so bad, so lousy, so remorseful. Why am I so careless!!!!
And of couse, I worry that he would be hurt. I have not intended to hurt anyone.
I guess, I just have to live with it.
What a twist of event. Perhaps it is for the better. Because I do know that me and him are not compatible in many areas. Communication is already one. Also, I don't think I want to constantly worry about his finances - whether he has money to pay for petrol, to pay for anything including food, or when will he pop the next question to ask me to help pay for something?
Urgh!!! WHATEVER!!!!
I think this boo boo I made will surely bug me for days, surely surely surely! I feeeeeeel so so so so so so so so so so bad about this. Sigh!!!!!!!! How embarrassing!
I hope he'll reply or say something. Whatever he might say will definitely help me feel better than plain silence, not knowing what he's thinking!
I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Sigh....
Friday, May 02, 2008
Give me a new rainbow
Just need to post a short one to get some stuff out of my system.
I find that I no longer enjoy coming in to work, and each day now gives me new frustration. Well, of course, this has very much to do with the fact that I'll be leaving. Yet, because of the state of affairs, I began to feel sensitive about some things, and this really bothers me because I fail to be cool and gracious and big - instead, I seem petty and uptight and egoistic and childish.
Why do I say this?
This morning I got in to office (yes, now I'm blogging in office during office hour, LOL!) and found an email from the Finance Manager. It says "Hi! Vivian, Discussed with Charlie & we think that will be better for Finance to check on the payroll details. This will ensure expenses are charged to the relevant exp lines and to enhance internal control procedure. Please kindly forward to me monthly payroll details starting from Mar onwards. Thanks & rgds." .
Well, the first thoughts that came to my mind is : Fuck, why am I not in the discussion? And fine, then it would be nice if at least one of them just have a word with me personally isn't it? I would expect my boss to just tell me that he had that discussion with her and felt it is better this way blah blah blah.. then at least I would still feel respected and valued - not just a nobody!!!
I have been bringing up this issue to boss many times, expressing that finance SHOULD have assess to payroll details, in order to ensure things have been done correclty and figures charged to the correct account and cost centers etc. However he was not comfortable with more people having assess to salary data, and I fully understand his viewpoint. Now, they discussed and decided, and just issued me a short email as above, simply pissed me off! I really do feel like a nobody!!! I really think it could have been better handled. Of course my thoughts from hell shouts loudly in the likes of "Yeah, you're leaving, of course you're a nobody! Who cares! Don't flatter yourself! You're just a slave! Useful life ended, time to flush down the bowl!" Grrrrrrr~!!!
Sigh.... glad to get it off my chest.
With that out of the way, at least I may allow my more reasonable inner voice to be heard. I've been busy and have been out of the office. Boss have also been busy and after all, he's a man, and he's not gay. He does not have all the skills in the world to be sensitive to everyone's feelings, and neither does he need to be extra senstive to my feelings. I should be the one who learn to be mature and cool and handle things and issues professionally without getting sensitive and personal and emotional. I should not even be having self-perceived persecution, as though people are against me and trying to make things unpleasant for me - that is a victim's mentality. Also, different people have different style of communication. This is after all, just work. Just communicate clearly, and then just get the job done - nothing personal. Everyone is just trying to make sure things run smoothly, things are done in a better way, the need to adjust to changes in the organisation and get paid for an honest day's work at the end of each month.
Cool. I think that's better.
Sigh, yet my heart still feels heavy even after I've rationalised my emotions and allow my mind to think the right thoughts. I am basically still an emotionally driven person. It will take some time for me to adjust to the right thoughts.
A reminder : YOU are WHAT YOU THINK. -- As a man thinketh, so is he. Hmmm... did I quote correctly? Or is it What you think becomes you? Aiya, nevermind lah, you know what i mean and I know what I mean can liao. hahahaha..
In a few hours time, I'll be going for a 2nd interview at a new company. The 1st interview on Wednesday morning went quite well and the job seems interesting. It's a PA/Office Manager job at an american MNC company dealing with Web conferencing and Audio conferencing business. There would not be much HR in it, so I'm moving out from the HR field if I take the job. Somehow, that also kinda make me feel a little defeated. I'll miss the title and status of calling myself the "HR Manager" and the sense of pride that goes with it. However, I do know that the job and the title does not define my value as a person. I think, I will be happy as long as I'm working in a nice environment, working with great people, paid well enough, and is able to like what I am doing and be good in what I am doing - ie. where I can shine. So, I am now pretty much looking forward to a new job, and I hope I do get this job and I do hope they will be able to match my current pay without asking me to take a pay cut. That would really be very nice. :o)
Give Me A New Rainbow
Give me a new rainbow in all its brilliant splendor
In the midst of this dark cloudy stormy day
That I may once more lift up my countenance
To embrace new hope, to dream new dreams
To believe in their fulfillment and the happiness it'll bring
Give me a new song a new melody to sing
When my heart is so heavy and laden with cares and woes
That I may lighten the dark mood and dispell the dreading gloom
For I believe in me - I will believe in me - in a better tomorrow
That I'll be stronger than yesterday (heh heh heh... ;P)
Therefore - Hold on, Press on, Soldier on,
Ride it through, brave it through.. till you shine through
Taking a day at a time, one step at a time
And I know - I'll do right, I'll cope fine
For everything's gonna be alright!!!
There, now I'm also a psalmist. hahahah!!
And yes -
Met up with a new friend HF yesterday for coffee and had a really great time out. We had coffee at Shangrila and spent hours just talking and sharing bits and pieces of our live's encounters, as well as discuss a few things close to our heart. What really surprised me is his "welcome gift". This young man passed me a SK red ribbon box and said (with stern voice)- "Doooon't take it the wrong way, every time I meet a new friend, I always bring a gift." And to my awe, it is a beautiful necklace with a sweet cross pendant. It must be expensive!!!!!!!! And shit, I was tempted to burst into tears but have to be cool and hold my composure. *sniff*
I think this act of his brought some real healing to my soul. I've only just stated in my last blog post, that so far for all the men I've met or dated, I could only recall those that robbed me or took from me and none that've given to me... (except, now, I do recall that Jeremy gave me a beautiful pair of Pearl ear rings from SK with a note that says he loves me - but he was also the one who robbed me of my precious, hahaha!!). Though the gift came from just a mutual friend (HF already has a muse), I think it could not have been given to me at a more perfect timing than yesterday, and I am thankful for it. It is a beautiful and thoughtful gift. So, thank you, HF. You make my day!!!!!
And I am glad to have added a genuine friend. Another blessing to remember to count when my eyes are clouded and emotions in dark storms.
Urgh, I'm nervous about the interview. I hope to have favour in the eyes of this Director, and I do hope that it will be a really good move to accept the job if offered to me.
I look forward to seeing a new rainbow for my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did a quick google on Rainbow Quotes and oh my, so many!
Just a few that I felt which reflected what's churning in my soul for now :
“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears" - John Vance Cheney
“May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.” - an Irish Blessings Quote
“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.” - Dream is a Wish in Your Heart
“No vision and you perish; No Ideal, and you're lost; Your heart must ever cherish Some faith at any cost. Some hope, some dream to cling to, Some rainbow in the sky, Some melody to sing to, Some service that is high.” - Harriet Du Autermont
I find that I no longer enjoy coming in to work, and each day now gives me new frustration. Well, of course, this has very much to do with the fact that I'll be leaving. Yet, because of the state of affairs, I began to feel sensitive about some things, and this really bothers me because I fail to be cool and gracious and big - instead, I seem petty and uptight and egoistic and childish.
Why do I say this?
This morning I got in to office (yes, now I'm blogging in office during office hour, LOL!) and found an email from the Finance Manager. It says "Hi! Vivian, Discussed with Charlie & we think that will be better for Finance to check on the payroll details. This will ensure expenses are charged to the relevant exp lines and to enhance internal control procedure. Please kindly forward to me monthly payroll details starting from Mar onwards. Thanks & rgds." .
Well, the first thoughts that came to my mind is : Fuck, why am I not in the discussion? And fine, then it would be nice if at least one of them just have a word with me personally isn't it? I would expect my boss to just tell me that he had that discussion with her and felt it is better this way blah blah blah.. then at least I would still feel respected and valued - not just a nobody!!!
I have been bringing up this issue to boss many times, expressing that finance SHOULD have assess to payroll details, in order to ensure things have been done correclty and figures charged to the correct account and cost centers etc. However he was not comfortable with more people having assess to salary data, and I fully understand his viewpoint. Now, they discussed and decided, and just issued me a short email as above, simply pissed me off! I really do feel like a nobody!!! I really think it could have been better handled. Of course my thoughts from hell shouts loudly in the likes of "Yeah, you're leaving, of course you're a nobody! Who cares! Don't flatter yourself! You're just a slave! Useful life ended, time to flush down the bowl!" Grrrrrrr~!!!
Sigh.... glad to get it off my chest.
With that out of the way, at least I may allow my more reasonable inner voice to be heard. I've been busy and have been out of the office. Boss have also been busy and after all, he's a man, and he's not gay. He does not have all the skills in the world to be sensitive to everyone's feelings, and neither does he need to be extra senstive to my feelings. I should be the one who learn to be mature and cool and handle things and issues professionally without getting sensitive and personal and emotional. I should not even be having self-perceived persecution, as though people are against me and trying to make things unpleasant for me - that is a victim's mentality. Also, different people have different style of communication. This is after all, just work. Just communicate clearly, and then just get the job done - nothing personal. Everyone is just trying to make sure things run smoothly, things are done in a better way, the need to adjust to changes in the organisation and get paid for an honest day's work at the end of each month.
Cool. I think that's better.
Sigh, yet my heart still feels heavy even after I've rationalised my emotions and allow my mind to think the right thoughts. I am basically still an emotionally driven person. It will take some time for me to adjust to the right thoughts.
A reminder : YOU are WHAT YOU THINK. -- As a man thinketh, so is he. Hmmm... did I quote correctly? Or is it What you think becomes you? Aiya, nevermind lah, you know what i mean and I know what I mean can liao. hahahaha..
In a few hours time, I'll be going for a 2nd interview at a new company. The 1st interview on Wednesday morning went quite well and the job seems interesting. It's a PA/Office Manager job at an american MNC company dealing with Web conferencing and Audio conferencing business. There would not be much HR in it, so I'm moving out from the HR field if I take the job. Somehow, that also kinda make me feel a little defeated. I'll miss the title and status of calling myself the "HR Manager" and the sense of pride that goes with it. However, I do know that the job and the title does not define my value as a person. I think, I will be happy as long as I'm working in a nice environment, working with great people, paid well enough, and is able to like what I am doing and be good in what I am doing - ie. where I can shine. So, I am now pretty much looking forward to a new job, and I hope I do get this job and I do hope they will be able to match my current pay without asking me to take a pay cut. That would really be very nice. :o)
Give Me A New Rainbow
Give me a new rainbow in all its brilliant splendor
In the midst of this dark cloudy stormy day
That I may once more lift up my countenance
To embrace new hope, to dream new dreams
To believe in their fulfillment and the happiness it'll bring
Give me a new song a new melody to sing
When my heart is so heavy and laden with cares and woes
That I may lighten the dark mood and dispell the dreading gloom
For I believe in me - I will believe in me - in a better tomorrow
That I'll be stronger than yesterday (heh heh heh... ;P)
Therefore - Hold on, Press on, Soldier on,
Ride it through, brave it through.. till you shine through
Taking a day at a time, one step at a time
And I know - I'll do right, I'll cope fine
For everything's gonna be alright!!!
There, now I'm also a psalmist. hahahah!!
And yes -
Met up with a new friend HF yesterday for coffee and had a really great time out. We had coffee at Shangrila and spent hours just talking and sharing bits and pieces of our live's encounters, as well as discuss a few things close to our heart. What really surprised me is his "welcome gift". This young man passed me a SK red ribbon box and said (with stern voice)- "Doooon't take it the wrong way, every time I meet a new friend, I always bring a gift." And to my awe, it is a beautiful necklace with a sweet cross pendant. It must be expensive!!!!!!!! And shit, I was tempted to burst into tears but have to be cool and hold my composure. *sniff*
I think this act of his brought some real healing to my soul. I've only just stated in my last blog post, that so far for all the men I've met or dated, I could only recall those that robbed me or took from me and none that've given to me... (except, now, I do recall that Jeremy gave me a beautiful pair of Pearl ear rings from SK with a note that says he loves me - but he was also the one who robbed me of my precious, hahaha!!). Though the gift came from just a mutual friend (HF already has a muse), I think it could not have been given to me at a more perfect timing than yesterday, and I am thankful for it. It is a beautiful and thoughtful gift. So, thank you, HF. You make my day!!!!!
And I am glad to have added a genuine friend. Another blessing to remember to count when my eyes are clouded and emotions in dark storms.
Urgh, I'm nervous about the interview. I hope to have favour in the eyes of this Director, and I do hope that it will be a really good move to accept the job if offered to me.
I look forward to seeing a new rainbow for my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did a quick google on Rainbow Quotes and oh my, so many!
Just a few that I felt which reflected what's churning in my soul for now :
“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears" - John Vance Cheney
“May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.” - an Irish Blessings Quote
“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.” - Dream is a Wish in Your Heart
“No vision and you perish; No Ideal, and you're lost; Your heart must ever cherish Some faith at any cost. Some hope, some dream to cling to, Some rainbow in the sky, Some melody to sing to, Some service that is high.” - Harriet Du Autermont
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