How do I begin this post? Its the first post of 2007 and I've not been blogging since Nov-06. There's been good times and bad times since, mostly bad times. Paul has been the source of joy and the intoxicating addictive sweetness of love.... yet also he has been the source of pain far beyond my imagination... more becoz of his continuous entanglements with Hani and the "series of unfortunate events" (in my perspectives) surrounding the both of us, killing often the joy of being able to just talk and enjoy what we've found in each other. Its' mostly me... the one who got upset, got into a rage, got disappointed, got devastated, got hurt, .. urgh.. just name all the negative emotions. Yes, got negative all the time.
Well, Hani has been in London since middle of December. She had wanted him to meet her, go out for drinks, stay overnight at the hotel (or did he volunteer that?) ... and make love to her as her special birthday gift ... for her 40th birthday. Of course i went frantic and became extremely insecure. No matter what the world might determined about where I stand with him in terms of "status"..he is still whom I see as my boyfriend, and I felt so intimately close and connected to him as though we're already husband and wife... (gosh i sound so delusional!!!). I was so dismayed and in pain I want to just end it all and walk away, or to just take a total break from him so I will not be in contact with him to know what took place... to just stick my head in the sand like an Ostrich.. but he wouldn't let me. To assure me and make me stay, he had told me his absolute resolutions to put my feelings first because of his love for me and will not do anything that he thinks will hurt me. He told me he nolonger feel the same about Hani, their friendship has been breaking down and he hope to sort things out but not during her birthday and her stay in London. Besides, he is not happy that she had made such a request of him for a birthday gift... and making love with Hani or anything esle that spells "intimacy" like kissing or touching will only confuse and further complicate things if he wanted to sort things out with her eventually. It is best to "keep the distance" and keep things cordial... not his words, but the gist of how he presented it to me.
He also explained why he wanted to stay overnight.. more because of safety.. because they will have drinks till late, and to travel so late in London half drunk is risking being robbed, moreover he probably won't be staying in the same hotel as Hani if he did stay overnight because of the room availability and cost. However, he then told me that he had decided he will not stay over in London even if for safety reasons... just because he cares for how i would feel. I was so touched that I cried (for almost an hour) and went soft in my knees at that time that he would do that for me. It meant a lot to me, my heart totally melted and I could feel his love for me thru that action. Sigh.. ... .. Then things begin to waver when Hani got mad at him for trying to change plans. She told him if he's not going to make love to her then don't bother to even go meet her since her birthday is just a "normal day" and some other things she said to make him feel worthless. She went silent on him after that. But when they started contact again, he went silent on me about the arrangements ( I know he's not accountable to me, but I had hope he'll involve me by telling me so I don't start feeling insecure, so I don't have to ask him in order to find out... so i don't get the feeling that he's trying to hide things from me)... and last I know he was going to spend more than one day with her. This whole saga is really confusing to me.... because a few days before he was just telling me how she made him felt worthless and "bought" and how he was annoyed with her attitudes and things she said. Then now he acted as though a day is not enough to spend with her and he can't wait to run to her (and yes, recently he told me he miss her...) so HEY, what's the deal here? is he just throwing smoke screens at me? Was he just telling me there's nothing between them and how pissed he is with her just to make me feel at ease that they are not close? Was I being entirely naively trusting?
Anyway, with all the assurances he gave.... He did went ahead with things that he knew will hurt me if i get to know. Yup, I remember asking him when we're on the phone... I asked him.. "will you do anything that you knew will hurt me, even if you know you can hide from me forever?". He said NO. I believed him. Yes, anyone reading this would think I'm the silliest woman on earth.
I cannot believe the contents of the email I received this morning. He mentioned briefly about his meet up with Hani, and admitted in a casual tone that ... yes they kissed and that is "as far as he will tell me" (he wrote "
Hmmm Yes we did kiss in London I will tell you that much"). HAHAHAHHAA OMG!!!! That means there's more!!! He's only telling me that much, and not telling about the rest..?? They could have gone all the way with foreplay and touch and sucks and licks and orgasms!!! SO??????? if he had not, the right way to say it is.. : " Yes we kissed, but that's as far as we went so don't get any ideas don't let your imagination run further than this"... not "I will tell you that much"!!!!! HE GAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ASSURANCE!!!! In fact, it sounded like he's bragging!! I could even think that Hani wrote that line herself!!!! What the fuck! Am I supposed to be very understanding about it? The very moment he went ahead for the kiss with her, he had hurt me more than he can imagine. So, he would rather hurt me than Hani? It takes 2 to kiss, and it is intimacy when it comes to Hani. It is not casual dating between them. And it complicates matters. Yes, he did say he did not do anything to sort things out with Hani. Its fine. But he does seem to warm things up successfully! This is worse than not sorting things out!!! And I'm sure, when Hani is back to Singapore, they will resume frequent contacts again because all the dead coal has been set ablazed... all is well now... Paul and Hani, back together in sweet warm love. And... I guess... Hani got her birthday gift the way she want it, did she? What a triumphant love affair!
Oh yes this reminds me... when we first talked about this topic he was so absolutely sure that Hani can never have a moment with him alone although she would try to get rid of her niece and daughter who are there to keep an eye on her. I have asked him, WHAT IF she succeeded in getting alone with him? What will he do? He said he won't do anything. And I ask, what if she uses emotional blackmail? What if she force herself upon you? What if she try to arouse you?...... He said he will still not touch her and he will really hate to have to reject her and force an issue at a time like this. HAHAHHAHA.... OMG.... Should i laugh now? It didn't seem to happen this way. For him to kiss her, he must have felt something in his heart and soul... it must have been an expression of love. I can just imagine the sweet smile on both their faces... the way they would have looked at each other naughtily and then embrace and lock lips. Sigh.. OUCH. Oh, and unless they kissed and make out in front of those 2 girls, I will only conclude that they were alone, either in her room, or in a nice stairwell or corner for such stuff. I doubt Hani will kiss in public. So, she DID managed to get time alone with him. I rest my case, your honour!!! I knew she could do it though he thinks she couldn't. And anyway, so she managed to get alone with him and he went ahead to kiss her. All the bullshit about how he will consider my feelings and the bullshit about how it will complicate things. Its all her feelings and perhaps how horny she made him perhaps. Yes, I might be wrong, and unless he writes me again to explain more clearly i will never know and since he left things to my imagination i can only conclude things this way. And since I will choose not to talk to him again i won't ever get my answer. I wish I am wrong. I wish he will tell me how wrong I am. Yes, silly me, I still want to find the reason to believe in him and his love, I still want to give him the benefit of all doubts.
The next part of the message talked about him lying to Hani to cover up his existing connection to me. He lied when Hani asked if he is still communicating with me. Yup, he said no he has not been communicating with me. Yes, its true, a white lie, we're not talking for a few days bcos i was devastated and upset about his trip to meet Hani and the way he had made it seem unimportant for me to know, that its none of my business. It's disappointing... because just a week before that he was telling me that if Hani ask if he still chatted with me he will say Yes. But things have changed I guess. After meeting her, he probably felt stronger about not wanting to lose her, and since I'm not there, feel free to deny my existence so she can be happy. So i guess, i should make the lie he told a permanent truth. Who am I anyway? You don't do that to someone you said you love. You don't diminish their value in your life. I feel hurt that he made me feel so worthless in front of Hani. Where is the valiant man who told me he will tell it to Hani's face that he is still close in contact with me? Why make me feel so starry eyes and touched by those brave words, and in action let me down? What can I say in reply to him when he tell me he lied to her? Yes, I forgive you paul, because i do understand how difficult it is for you. But I can't go on letting you do this to me.
OMG! Am i supposed to be comforted that she came acoss the video of me singing him birthday song and spoilt her moment at the airport? Again he tried to make her think that I sent the vid to her instead of him taking it in person. I guess he know that if he admit it he will probably never see her again. Is she so important to him that he had to use lies to keep her back? And as for me, I will never want him to use lies to keep me in his life. NO. DON'T EVER. Don't use lies to keep anyone in your life... that is deception, and that is absolutely selfish, and that is not honourable. He has so many opportunities to make things right, but he has chosen to compromise me, hide me. It is because he does not want to lose Hani. He's there to make her happy keep her happy maybe pleasure her. So, he's ready to lose me hurt me and hope I'll understand and stay? In the presence of Hani, I am made zero? How long does he intend to keep this going? Sighhhhh..... He took me for granted big time. I am not so understanding and evergreen.
Also, he talked about how he realised things will not work out with Hani judging by words and actions during their time together and he felt he can never belong to her world. OMG is he even still thinking that as an option? to work out with hani?? to belong in her world?????? I would think that he should only be thinking whether things will work out with me! Right now he's the only man I love and want to marry and be with, I won't even bother to think if me and Alvin or Martin or whoever will "work out". I only think about how things will work out with him alone!!!!! And I know, with Hani in the picture, nothing will ever work out between me and Paul.
Another thing so unfair about hiding me ... is....
I'm sure in this rendevous and romantic meeting they have in London, they would have taken lots of sweet close couple pictures together... Hani will ensure that! Maybe he wore back the watarabibi ring too! Maybe he gave her the sense of worthiness to wear back that ring too! I bet when she's back, she's certain to post the pics in her blog or if there's still a Yahoo 360 or Friendster, it'll be up like a flag. A Declaration. I'm sure she would love to brag to me about her victory and triumph and how sizzling things were ... starting with the hungry look and the passionate kiss that followed.. and pictures to prove them. I won't get to see it of course. But I'll be dying to ask him... will he even stop her from putting up those pictures of him & her in London? will he even mind that she puts them up? will he even feel annoyed? NO. Because he is not hiding her from anyone other than M. Because he never lied to me about her visit nor the fact that they were intimate. Because she is his "wife" or "girlfriend" whatever their relationship is.. what's wrong with posting a couple pic? She's not gonna send those pics to M anyway. And whats wrong with kissing and sucking her nipples and licking her pussy or just making love? Who am I to even question him? Ok i'm loosing it for sure, look at my language! OMG what has become of me?! I'm just sore that I can't even mention Enfield UK in my pictures caption i posted in Friendster. I deleted them because it affected him, ... fearing Hani will see it and blow up, fearing Hani will do nasty things... fearing that his lies will be exposed... fearing anything except how i would feel. In fact, his initial questioning was in a tone of accusation asking me why can't I just use "UK" like the others where i just put "Norway" as the location. I was so mad!!!!! I only used "Norway" for those pics bcos I don't fucking remember where the hell and long name I can't pronounced nor spell of that town i took that pic from, and I used Enfield because that place was special to me..... it was where I met you and fall in love... it was sentimental... it was where i felt like a princess in love..where i want to shout to my whole world I found true love! I just want to cry so much now that my heart is breaking...
Anyway all these are in a way irrelevant. He had texted me a week ago to say that I'm right ... that he could never leave his kids... he thought he could but he don't think he can ever. So that ends our story. I'm not a family breaker... i had never wanted him to abandon his kids nor leave them. When he last said that to me (that he can't leave his kids), I had called him to say goodbye because that ended the story with us. There will not be any future for us if he is unable to free himself. At that time, we chat .. and he made a new committment to me.... he said has thought for a few days, and now he is absolute and determined, he can do it, he have to find a way. He said, what he meant by not leaving them is ... he won't initiate the breakup with M resulting in leaving his kids -- but if M is the one who kicks him out its a different story -- it means he's kicked out and asked to leave, not that he is abandoning them. And then he informed me that he has applied for the apartment (i was greatly surprised and that kept me staying on bcos he had taken actual action) and the plan is... when M & kids move in that is when he will move out and free himself. I wasn't convinced at that time, and ask him if he's really sure. YES, he said. I said please do not be double-minded or waver again... and he said NO, he will NOT waver, he's really sure he wants to have a life with me. Well, now, guess what? He wavered. I don't blame him. In fact, I expected it... i know how close and attached he is to his kids. And by him sending that text, it meant that even if M kicked him out, he will not go. So now again, end of story. he will not be able to convince me again. He will have to say something else that i can ever believe.
Yes I still love him, deeply.. hopelessly in love. In fact, just yesterday I was considering returning to talking and maybe still meet up in April when i fly Europe again for a possible HR meeting that has been mentioned. I'm still thinking that perhaps meeting up again will be nice. I still love him and it won't stop.. and its hard to be in love and not see each other when life provides the opportunity. Besides I still have a free sin-lon-sin return tickets... and a free travel voucher to some destinations in europe for 7 nights. Sigh.. .. I don't know..
Although, him being unable to leave his kids spells no future for me and him to be together, that does not mean we can't love each other or have a relationship. However, to keep this love or relationship, it means that he can't pay the price, and all the price needs to be paid by me -- i.e. staying single and staying in an affair with him, long distance, hidden from M's knowledge (and Hani's knowledge). Perhaps in 10 years when his children are grown and independent we can finally marry. In the beginning, I had wanted to wait 10 years for him, but now, i know I don't have what it takes anymore. I no longer have the courage nor hope nor faith in him that when the day comes he will do as he said. Anyway, at the rate we're always fighting over hani, our relationship and love will be strained and destroyed within another year with all these strife. It won't survive. Or rather, I know I won't survive. I need peace and stability and security and protected love. So... is there the possibility of a future for me and him? don't seem so. Not unless he make some hard decisions and stick by it.
Hence if there's no future between us to look forward to, there's no room for a relationship to exist. it will only lead to immense pain for me. I have moved way past friendship and it is something i cannot return to, not after a few years when I have someone else in my life perhaps. Hence, logically, and naturally, this also eliminates the necessity for him to sort things out with Hani by March this year. I had given an ultimatum that if he don't sort things with Hani (i.e. he and her just friends, no more lovers in relationship, committments, accountability, responsibility etc.) I will walk away. Yes, because if he never made an attempt then I don't even need to look forward to the day where he would sort things with M. Moreoever I'm tired of being hidden, and I'm tired of him lying to Hani about me, and I'm tired of him cowering and upset by Hani's moods and control, I'm tired of getting confused and insecure whenever he shows Hani more respect and submission, I'm tired of him saying not ever wanting to lose Hani.. and I'm tired of everything Hani. And no, I can't treat her as invisible, I am not blind nor do I want him to "hide" her. He has no idea how, in the past 6 months, he has proven to me his love for her, and his protection over how she would feel, his fear about what she can do to him & family if she finds out about me, and how fast he forgets how nasty she made him feel and still continue to hold on to her like precious pearls while hurting me bringing me pain and telling me he loves me more. I had wanted a Hani-problem-free relationship with him that could last till the day where he has the apartment and sort things with M. (Yes, I'm sure without Hani, I would last much much luch longer). Its all irrelevant now. In fact, I'm starting to feel strongly there is more to it than meets the eye about things between him and Hani, it constantly makes me feel uncomfortable about the real reason why he can't let go of her, what's her hold over him, ... and whenever I ask him, his answers are always " I don't know".
And with the fact that I am still deeply in love with him, despite the fact that I can never be with him, I am still completely vulnerable and possessive over him. Hence, whatever he has done with Hani in london, be it told or untold, hurts me beyond repair. I no longer know how to pick up these pieces of my heart that still loves him. I no longer want my heart to beat for him again. I wish to feel dead than to continue with these pains and disappointments. i feel lost and lonely without him, he's been my soulmate and true love, I will never forget him... and I know I will always love him in a special way. But the relationship will have to end. Was there any to begin with? Or has it been a fantasy? I guess I will have to admit... there is a relationship. He count as my first boyfriend. And this will be a milestone in my life. My first boyfriend is Paul. My lover, my soulmate, my cupcake and sweetness... the man i think of, dream of and missed endlessly for the past 6 months and the months to come.. maybe years.
It's also a wonder how fast he can change his mind. Sigh, OK its not fair to say he changed his mind. I'm sure he meant every word he said.. just that he had given it more thought and realised its "mission impossible". Just over christmas and new year he talked about how this year he wanna prioritise and put me first, my feelings first, and speed things up in sorting things with M, turn the wheels faster so he can be with me. How silly of me to be feeling so touched and moved to tears and excited and bragged about it to my close buddies. I've even told dad about him... and how wonderful he is, and how sincere he is about wanting to have a life with me despite the complications... that he would come to singapore to meet my parents to express his genuine desire to marry me one day.
Do men just declare love and make promises without backing them up with actual actions? Without taking responsibility for what they have said? without giving it enough thought if they know what are they saying???!? What he said has meant a lot to me, those are promises that decides the future, provides hope, fuels desires, gives courage & strength to brave storms and oppositions to this love! BUT.... when those promises failed.. when tested or reminded... the easy excuse is "oh... i forgot" or met with a "I'm sorry". Well, then no one will ever take what you said seriously anymore, don't blame anyone for doubting you. A man is as good as his word. It does seem like a character flaw which I am seeing clearly now. It has been fine in the past to bear with the disappointments, but now I begin to see it as a deal breaker. I had been through enough disappointments for the past 6 months. I'm tired now... I crumbling down and I'm going insane.
Yet, why do i still love him?
He's not perfect, neither am I.
And Yes I love him still, for many many many reasons. Someone once said to me, that she had know me as the type of person who... when my heart has been touched, I will give it whole and more to the extend of giving it all to that person in reciprocation. And she knows that when I fall in love, it will be an all consuming love. How true! sigh... and this brings to mind what Tim said about me .. a moth to the fire. But I stand tall and proud about my love. I'm not a coward when it comes to love. But now is the time to face reality. Make a choice.
I will walk away and not look back this time.
His email does not deserve nor warrant my reply. If I did reply i vouch it will not be nice words. Silence may be the most melodious reply at this hour compared to one that hides my true thoughts and emotions.
Perhaps when I've cooled down and can think with a clear head, I will re-read his email. As usual, I blew up blindly like a few volcanoes each time and can't see thru the smokes ashes and lava. Perhaps after I calmed down, my perspectives will be different. Perhaps I would be able to see that he was trying very hard to save what's between us, that he wanted me to trust him and that I have overlooked the fact that he was being honest with me when he needn't, knowing I will surely explode and just wishing I won't? Sighhhhhh....
Right now.. Am I OK? No, I am so totally not OK. i feel like a deadfish, I feel as though something within me is dying, I feel tears choked up within, yet I feel like hugging him and wish i can still make love to him and and wish that everything is fine again.
I've not seen him text or write or say " i love you" recently. OK, it doesn't mean he don't love me. Probably he is feeling confused himself about what he wants and who he loves or loves more. He loves both that's what I am sure of. Anyway, he is in a dilemma. If hani knows he's still in touch with me, she'll walk, and if he hides me, I'll walk, and he's trying to find the solution where he can keep both. FORGET IT!!!!! I'll save him the trouble. He can keep Hani. Hani can keep him. There is no way he can keep both of us now. Today I will also change my mind. Its either she or me in his life. And since I know he would choose BOTH, I will take the exit. It's the best solution. Hani was there first. They exchanged rings, they are in an existing active committed relationship, I am cheating with him behind Hani. I'm a bitch or slut or a pincher from another's plate... they were fine and sweet before I came along, they fought over me and strained in their relationship but now that things have warmed up between them again I should stand aside and lie low keep my head down and not rock their boat in anyway.... I think its time I walk away from this relationship that totally dishonour me and strip me of my dignity.
I'll let this love that's been burning in my heart die. And I doubt I'll trust men and their promises of love so easily again.
Do I still keep my first time for him? I had wanted him to be the first man to make love to me... and my desires still burn for him night after night, the only man I can imagine myself with. It doesn't look like it'll happen anymore, I'll never know how it would be like to feel him inside me... now that I'm leaving. I doubt this time I should even say goodbye. I will just go silently and cut all contacts, stop replying. Too many goodbyes only make it meaningless. I've said it too many times, in fact, he has been complaining that I said goodbye too often. sigh... yet, can I really go away, without hearing his voice one more time? How I long to hear again... him to say I love you ying.
Next time, I will prefer ...hmm... i should say, I need a man who will be so ready to treasure me, cherish me, put me on top of the mountain for the world to see, proud to parade me as his love, who will shrek and break himself free of other shackles to be tied and joined to me, who decides I'm the woman and none other to keep in his heart, and will do anything to keep me with him. I wish Paul is the man. I guess he did really proved his love beyond my expectations, but each time it crash when Hani shows up. Sigh, in reality, will any man find me worthy to do the above? Who do I think I am? I should know better what I'm made of. I should be contented that Paul has chosen to love me despite my perfect imperfections. What does he sees in me? Would I meet anyone like him ever? Will any man love me and make me feel the way he did?
I will lament over the next few days over this, and in a year's time perhaps I will look back and smile a smile of gladness. Hopefully with that smile i'll say... What was I thinking? Yet again, I most probably would feel a deep sadness instead, and miss my Cupcake dearly and wondering how him and family is getting on. And the thought will lead on to less happier thoughts that with me gone, he probably never would nor did sort out things with hani, and so hani is still happily in control of her prize, telling him what to do and what to fix and what to proof with her usual emotional blackmails. I won't blame him, he has to keep her, she's the only one left. Hence, what's the point of returning to him? OK, thinking too much. bwahahhahaa.
People say, Leave while its still good. Maybe i should have left earlier. But even right now I know my hand is still holding on to the rainbow... and having it fade in my hands. I am still waiting and hoping for a miracle, I guess. Perhaps its a splendid idea to leave now .... Time to entertain new hopes in the new men i will meet, rather than to engage in this spiral of hopelessness after hopelessness as he continues to put off on hard decisions and not sticking to promises and holding on to hani. He will never give up Hani nor his life with M & kids ... He won't bear to do it.. not for me. He will not pay the price to run after me. I know he wish to , but can't, he won't..... He should really just marry M, and let the kids have a legitimate status, sigh... but that will surely make him feel even more trapped with M. I just know, unless he's able to live with still being a father to the kids without being under the same roof with them... then there's a possibility that he and me can marry and be together... erm.. minus Hani in his life. I wish I have the tenacity and bravery to stay around and wait to see the day he really sort things out with Hani. I just don't think it will ever happen, not unless Hani did something that wake him up fully and make him feel murderous. He's the MOST tolerant and forgiving and forebearing and patient man I've ever seen, he'll never get enough of hani's nonsense... they will just irk him annoy him for a while he'll feel like sorting things out, but once he cool off, he forgets and everything is merry again. Besides, as long as he can keep hani happy and hiding me, why should Hani make him unhappy in anyway that he'll wanna end thinsg? Anyway, just like him, I am 70% this way in forgiving-forgetting, that's why I was back with him again and again. I'm sure after i've cooled down next week I won't feel the same anger I feel today anymore. I would have forgiven and begin missing him and the good times we share, I would wish to tell him about the book I'm reading and what's been happening. Sighhhhhh......
Yes, back to reality.
I will not chase after anymore rainbows. Leave it in the sky, admire its charm and beauty... leave the pot of gold alone. yes... I won't think about the pot of gold he promised me anymore.
It's been beautiful knowing you and loving you Paul..
I've given it all without holding back. I know we'll be perfect soulmates and companions, and I know we'll be happy together. ... if only without the distance and complications in your life.
I only wished you can be braver and stronger and decisive and sure about what you want and run for it.... critical decisions. Yet I do still love you, but now... imagine me as a witch in those fantasy stories... who have fought valiantly for her love against all attacks & storms .. and have finally exhausted all strength... used up all her magic & powers ... and now I'm fading off... into the air. Drama.
Sorry I am choosing to go Paul, its the best way i learn to cope with life, my critical decision. I need to hide and recover... and in time I believe I will only remember the joy and beauty you brought into my life, with no aches and remembrance of the pain.
yet who knows what will happen in future? I still hope for dreams to come true. I still want the miracle.
I love you, Cupcake.
My favorite picture.... I looked so happy and contented in your arms... we looked so good together. And i'll never forget how wonderful those moments I spent with you in Enfield were.
I wish I could hold you and kiss your sweet tender lips again... I wish we can marry and be happy always.
and now, Good bye.. my love. Good bye.
xxx
kitty cat.
