New Blog : Tweetietouille!!!

Sorry I've not been here for sometime.. though yes, there's been again, many sad and broken moments since... for matters of the heart.

However, I've decided to start a new blog, something more "current" that I can share with my new friends without opening them to all my deep dark moments of the past.

So, everyone, you are most welcome (yes I insist!!!!) to my new blog, Tweetietouille!!
http://www.tweetietouille.blogspot.com/

I'll be there!!!

However, I'll still be back here.. for the heavy stuff. So please pardon me!! Tweetietalk will always be here.. for the real stuff.

Cheers
Tweet tweet!! ^^

Here's the latest "happening" -- Tweetie in VOGUE!!!
Nice? hehehehhe....

Tweetie in a Dress. Hot or not?

At St James Movida - Fri 4 July 2008

Don't I look super yummy? Yes, super KNS too but who cares!!!!

I will tell the story of how this sexy dress came about, soon..... hahaha!!

A New Life Begins! Nooo I'm not pregnant! LOL!

Phwew~!!!!! OMG The past week has been such a rollercoaster ride!!! UPWARDS!!!

And I definitely need to blog. Life events have again run me over and if I really wanna keep this blog as my memory lane and journal i had better start some discipline in keep the entries updated!!! Otherwise a huge part of my life will be gone with the lost memories! (Bcos i have short term memory and bad memory problems... kekekekeke...)

OK, where shall I begin?


Hmmmm.... perhaps, as a self-note, I'll list the stuff i need to update over the next few posts :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~ New Job (YES! Started 5 days ago!)
~~ Cupcake reconnected!
~~ Jane's birthday gathering at St James Movida last nite
~~ New Laptop!
~~ No jeans allowed on friday at new office! gah.....
~~ Mum's Birthday & my cute nephews
~~ Getting over Summer
~~ Meeting new pals & close buddys (Kei, BW)
~~ My Gmax Reverse bungy ride with Rachel (hahaha the video is hilarious!)
~~ What Charlie said (resolving the insecurities i felt)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overall, I am happy to report that I am ALIVE!! Moving on, and my life again is charging forward, upward, ... actually... it is spinning. hahahahahahahaha!!

And I am very very very grateful that I have people who genuinely cared for me. Even a little sms asking if I'm ok touches me to the core. Thank you, my friends. Thank you for loving me.

Ok, and now, I'm gonna take a nap just to procrastinate. Procrastination must be the only thing that I'm disciplined in. hahahaha~!!

Cheers~!! ^_^

I'll Move On

I crashed... today down all the way. Just crushed.. totally..
- after the final conversatin with him.

I believe.. the crying over him will end.. very soon.
I have finally reached rock bottom.

..........

Thats all I can utter at this moment.
I only have tears..

Let that part of my heart die, so it feels the pain no more.
So I can move on.
I'll move on.


Song : I'll Move On

- Lyrics and song by Olivia Ong

This road that I’m taking twists and turns
My life my chance turning dreams into reality

Down this path faced with many things
Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away

Can’t seem to go on.
And I’ve been thru’ this before.
Now where am I? Where do I stand? A little lost here.
But I’ll remember. All those times you’ve bought me thru’.
I’d be a fool to give up cos’ the goal is near

I’ll move on, I’ll go on. Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along. Survive thru’ this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I’ll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on

Here I am Once again caught in the rain.
Looking back I’ve come so far and I want to carry on

Take a step at a time it’s alright.
Even thru’ this rain, I want to smile again

Don’t hold back now. And I’ve been thru’ this before.
Now where am I? Where do I stand? A little lost here.
But I’ll remember. All those times you’ve bought me thru’.
I can feel the sun shining down on me

Here I am, Here I am. Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along. Survive thru’ this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I’ll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on





I need a hug...

I really really really need a good hug....

Song: When You Tell Me You Love Me

Came across this beautiful song that tugged at my hopeless romantic heartstrings.

Well, I'm definitely gonna hold on to the hope that I will meet the right guy some day. But that means, I'll still have to keep on meeting men, right? But yeah, the experiences I've had should have made me wiser (though sadder, haha!) and more selective, and learned to take things slower.

I pray, that I will meet you soon.. my love.
Let's sing this song to each other one day soon, yea?
Whoever you are, wherever you may be now...
I long to tell you, that I love you.


WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME

West Life and Diana Ross version - Beautifully sung, and I love this MTV, simple yet special.

Hmm... not sure why I can't find it on YouTube whereby it is embeddable. Went thru a few and somehow it is diabled for embedding. There are versions by Diana Ross alone or other singers, but I still prefer this version with West Life. The brightcove vid below may be a little too big (width) for my blog template... but this is the one I came across.. boh pian lor..

(Lyrics are below the video)



LYRICS :

Verse 1:
I wanna call the stars
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do

Verse 2:
I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what's beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth

Chorus :
And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

Verse 3:
I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everything's easy now
I have you here

Bridge :
In a world without you
I would always hunger
All I need is your love to make me stronger...

_____________________________


SOOOooooooo ROMANTIC~........ *dreamy look*

Cracked Pot Story

Got this in my gmail inbox from someone ... something I've read before in the past - but at this point in my life, it brought great encouragement.

I think people close to me and those who read this blog.. you'll probably know by now that I will grab anything to lift myself up when I'm down and trodden (Mmm... only after I'm done with my whining and crying, grieving and mourning, pity party and feeling sorry for myself, kekeke..).


THE CRACKED POT

An elderly Chinese woman had two Large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself,because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you Water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO....., to all of my "cracked pot" friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!


___________________

Yeah.. I am definitely one big cracked pot~ !! LOL!!

I only hope that the flowers on my side of the path are big and beautiful!!
And yes, I do love flowers.. especially the small and simple ones.

^_^

Bad Day - Friday the 13th!!! O_o

Sigh.. this can't go on!!

I must bury this once and for all!!

I really have no idea this thing really hit me so hard this time... sigh... How can it be??

On thinking back, I've only known him for a month. We've met up only 4 times in total!! Moreover, 1st 3 times, its not even a date!!!! The 1st time, we met for lunch and coffee to discuss something that he wanted my opinion for pertaining to some issues his female friend is going thru. 2nd time, hmm.... can't remember who asked who but we more or less decided to meet for late supper to yak yak yak again, becoming good friends already through the daily chatting. I see him as only the unfortunate younger cousin of the horrible pig (our common contact) turned personal friend.

3rd time we met up was after his one week ICT and he asked me to meet for dinner. During then I sort of felt he might be liking me but dismissed the thoughts becos its too KNS and it cold be just harmless flirting. After dinner and a fun chat with the restaurant's staff named "Sky", we're not in the mood for heading home, so he suggested going to Bali Villa for drinks... and that is when, in a moment we're just chilling out to smooth jazz music after wine... he kissed me and caught me totally by surprise. That's just last Thursday. The kiss changes everything. Gosh.. I was so confused. And on Saturday nite, we dated, hahaha... we caught a late movie - holding hands and enjoying the close connection while watching Kungfu Panda, and went to Mr Bean Cafe for coffee & wings after the show. Sigh, at that point.. I am still considering if I should accept this apparently budding romance. Hmmm~ sound so damn KNS lor. haha!!

And then, 3 days later - IT'S OVER!!!!! Oh What the hell!!! O_o Unbelievable!!!

Dr John Gray wrote : Men are like Blow Torches, Women are like Ovens. INDEED!!!! I mean, his fire came and gone so quickly, and now I'm just about preheated!!! All the energy put into heating up for nothing to bake! Grrrrr~~~

Also, its ridiculous. 3 days romance - and I'm like wanting to die liddat. Wah lau.... Viv, have some standard can or not!!??? If he CMI in his approach, then please move on. Don't sit there cry like baby, sob so loud as though someone died. Not worth it at all lor.. WAKE UP!!!!

O_o

Yeah, had a bad day today.

Early in the morning, I had a fight with Princess Carol over something which really set the fucking mood for the day.

Moreover, there is the stress to pack up the personal items and office items into boxes due to the office renovation. I needed to transport some stuff home, including some chairs and a pedestal (given free to staff - otherwise disposed to garang guni company). The tea lady's brother couldnt make it for this evening to help with transportation and I badly need to find solution. Thank God for Michelle - in the last minute I heard that her elder brother will coming to help her ferry some things home too, so I asked if I could engage his help and yes they were able to help me. Yahoo~!! However, I have to packed within 30mins!!!!!!!!! Arrrrghhhhhh!!!! STRESS!!!!!!

Anyway, thank God, I was able to pack most of the stuff and have them help me transport home - in the end it took about 2 hours (not 30minutes).

After that, lunch.. and carry on packing the office docs and stuffs with Jeslyn's help, and then finally, my own remaining personal effects. I brought home about 10 boxes of stuff. Geez.

Sigh....

And as I was packing, I began to feel sad... very very sad.
I feel miserable... very very miserable..

Reality of leaving my company sets in.
I am taking off all my stuff and packing into boxes - not bringing back.

Tears threatened to flow, but I dont wanna attract unnecessary attention - will be alarming for colleagues to catch me crying in my office while packing. Drama. So I swallowed those tears.

Sms'd him at about 1pm to let him know that the chairs he wanted have been brought to my place - and he can collect them when he is able to. Waited till 6pm, and there is still no reply. Sigh... in the past, he will reply sms promptly, and in fact he is the one who sms me most of the time. But now... so far... he has been that fucking silent and unresponsive. It is disappointing, so disappointing that I don't have the words to describe it. I am beginning to think that this is probably him in normal mode. If that is it, then really CMI lor. Sigh.... confirmed - if this is the standard in communication, then I'll be in for big frustrations if we got seriously involved. I know I need someone communicative and responsive. I guess, it is good to discover early that we are not compatible.

Another thought is... (for the benefit of doubt) : he probably does not want to lead me on, hence choosing to behave the way he did - for I would do the same too (in fact I've done that to Kalli when he just couldnt seem to get over me, sigh~). In that case, I should be grateful that he left me with no hope to cling on to.

I called him finally, around 6pm plus and asked casually if he's at work. Then asked if he received my sms, he confirmed he did. So I really hadda come direct, and i told him I am calling bcos i didnt get any reply and wants to confirm that he got the message so I can plan what to do with the chairs. Well, he just said that he'll probably collect on sunday , still trying to arrange with his friend for transport. Sigh.. I wonder if I should just forget about the chairs. Perhaps he dont really want them or would rather not see me than to come get the chairs - he can afford them anyway.

Devastated by the distance... felt like almost strangers. Tears choked up ... and I can't take it anymore at that point. Making the whole day worse is the accumulated effect of the fight in the morning, and the reality of me leaving my job, the anxiety of having no new job yet to go to... and the heartbreak... another heart wrenching episode.

I wished for a moment he had not crossed the line that night... because somehow when my heart melted, i because vulnerable, soft, and weak. I was still tough and brave to stand through this period of uncertainty and loss.

Michelle came over to talk to me after everyone has left the office, and we started talking. She saw the torture & misery on my face and asked me why.. and I started to tell her, and i just broke down and cried...
I cried aloud, feeling so sorry for myself. I sobbed loudly, tears running down my cheeks... in my office... in front of michelle.
Sobs.......

It felt good after that. Much better.

Sigh...

Couldn't help but send him one last sms around 11pm. Saying I miss him, and its has been a week since we kissed. No reply. I doubt there will be any. And another piece of me died.

Time to bury it. Enough grieving. I need to remove the sack cloth and shake off the ashes. It has dragged too long... the pain. Yet I can't deny that I'm in pain.

I will have to hide again... I dont feel like going out nor doing anything. I just feel like crying.

But yea, I think, forget about the chairs. I dont want to go where I'm not welcomed. Why be so helpful to someone who now treats me as a stranger?

If I love myself, I will need to lift my head up high and be angry with him!!! I should be angry!!!!! Yet all i can feel is grieve and pain!!!

But yea... if he's happier this way, then I should not try to tie him down. right?

I will not make myself cheap anymore. No more.
Going after him will only make him despise me instead of him seeing any value in me.

Forget... let it go... Let things go back to normal.

My heart will heal. I will be ok soon.

I need a hug. A big big warm loving hug... sobs...
there I go again... crying.. sigh...

Wish there's a prince for me too... who'll wanna make me smile.. and end my tears
(=.+)

Autumn Rain

Chatted online with him tonight..

Felt like old friends again, just bitching daily stuff.

Finally I can't withold what's suppressed within me for days and shared with him how I was feeling about the situation.

His answer, caused my tears to fall like rain.

My decision : To close the door, to walk on, and not look back. March on... till I see the sun.. till I see the rainbow once again.

And..
I got my closure.

Looks like I need to gather the pieces of my fragile heart, mop up the puddle - portions of my heart previously melted by his words - curl into a corner and hide again, to heal, to recover.

Unbelievable.

One after another... passing clouds in my life. Either that, or wolves in sheep clothings. Do I sound like I'm blaming others? I can only blame me.. for not being able to keep my heart locked away. I gave it away too easily. I allow people to touch it and melt it too easily.

Somehow, I am not taking this one well. I don't seem to be able to lift myself up. I think this one hits me deep. Hahaha... unbelievable.

I will be fine. I know I will be.

I have been so naive.

I am now, deeply disappointed.

Reading Chipmunk Prince's blog tonight heap on the heart aches. Even his poem to Princess tonight.. I wish it was for me. sobz. (-_-)

Chipmunk Princes' Poem tonite :

Taurus Princess

Don't cry, don't be sad, my precious one
Even if you trip into sadness,
Look into the truth
Be as you are

Events clouded your smile which I love so
Even if I pray, the flow of time is too fast,
Seems to wash you away too far, and can't go back

Painted by a calm light
The passing months are as if turning nights into dreams
Open your eyes and take a look,
The cherry-blossoms bloom close to you
And brilliantly sways in the rays of lights through the trees

I want to protect you forever but it's alright now
Someone is waiting for your gentle hands,
So lift your head up high

The one who fell in love a long time ago
Do you think they are feeling as one now?

Taurus Princess, fly away strongly
Don't look back,
Crossing the vast ocean
I hope there is always light for you
Because of you,
This life continues eternally

Your voice whispered softly
On the edge of the world
Where we have gotten used to this

Let us shatter the peace which was kept in place by silence
Before the showering of light comes forth
In this fading world, you and I share a bond
There is no need to hesitate or pause

Ah, these memories overflowing in my hands
They'll slowly search for tomorrow so they won't wilt
Princess of mine, fly away strongly
Don't look back,
Crossing the vast horizon
To a brand new day,
Today, tomorrow and for eternity


Sigh... so beautiful, so comforting ...

I wish things can be better for me.

*cough* Hmm... choked on a thought or two :

Things are only as bad as you see it~!
Always look on the bright side.. of life!
Everything's gonna be alright!

OK, will try to see the positive, smile bravely, march on .. when morning comes.

Tweetie will chirp and will flap her wings again .... when morning comes.

At least, I've tasted the sweetness of Summer. Mmm... will remember the wonderful parts. No matter what, that is still a great encounter, a great romance with a twist, unexpected, and something to smile about when I think back on days gone by.


Tonight, I will take my little yellow sinus pill and sleep.

Foolish

Have just spoken with him over the phone... this morning..

He sounded so tired, so exhausted. I think the poor fella must have been so busy with work and his new business that he is burning himself out.

Sigh,..

I feel foolish now. hur-hur...

Yet I wonder, is this the standard I should settle for and expect from a man who deserves me?
Are men like that?

Most probably it is not intentional of him to "disappear" because of other priorities and exhaustion. 3 weeks of daily sms and msn nightly (and even during the day) has already given me the impression that this is a man who will make time when he wants to. Or perhaps, coincidentally, the past 3 weeks has been a really slow period for him..

Oh well. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Right now, I should just take it easy, and not think about it anymore.

March on, move on.

If he picks up speed again, then I'll see how it goes. Otherwise, I'm letting it go.

No point pacing around waiting for a man who has already walked away, right?

The man will take action to achieve his objective, right?

Hence, if I am not the objective, no point entertaining false hopes and holding on to unfulfilled promises. Moreover... what promises? On tracking back, he has not made promises - he merely indicated interest and desires.

Sigh... I'm beginning to think that I am really a big problem.

That's not a good thought.. not good at all.

What happen to the bubbly, fun, chatty, animated, adorable and interesting Tweetie??
She's still here.
Just temporarily crippled emotionally.

Is there a cure for me? Sigh....

I think, any man who have read these thoughts of mine will run far far away into the mountains and don't look back.

I can only hope that with each day, I will grow into a more wholesome-minded person and overcome these issues that sabotages potential relationships in my life.

This reminds me of the short talk by Kloudiia at a Workplace Networking Session I attended out of curiousity (dragged Michelle along, hahaha!) :

She shared that what we BELIEVE can actually sabotage our love life. Sometimes we are not aware of what our believes are. If what we are believing in is not working for us, we should change it, to have the correct mindset and values. She calls it "reframing" our mind to think the positive, to reinforce the positive.

I need to look deeper within me, again. See what's wrong.

Sigh.....

March On

This is a song I heard recently, that I found encouraging...

Well, will be nice if its dedicated to me by someone else - but then again, why wait for someone to come and encourage you when you have the ability to pull yourself up and encourage yourself?

I could survive and not turn into an unhappy depressive bitter person because I have learn to encourage myself, face my own ugliness and weaknesses, be true to myself and soldier on, march on.

That is why this song is an inspiration for now.

I have not heard of this band before, nor this song either, till the Chipmunk Prince dedicated it to his Princess. Haha~!! I've been listening to great songs lately thru his blog!! (Another one is Mr Big's "I'm the one who wants to be with you"). Anyway, there's another slower version, but I love the original version more :






"March On" (Lyrics)

Don’t cry, open up your eyes and know
There's someone else out there that feels this way

I’m singing to you
'cause I know what you’ve been through and now
Not so long ago I felt the same

Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on

I remember summer nights alone
Fireflies' the only thing we own
You're all we ever dreams of California
And I remember winters were so cold
Hunger was the only thing we know
And rock n’ roll dreamin’ was what saved us

Like soldiers, March on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on

Till we see the sun (March on)
Till we see the sun

Through the good times
Through the bad times
Through the long days
Through the hard nights
Keep on till we see the sun

Like soldiers, march on
If we can make it through the night - we'll see the sun
March on, march on

Even when there’s no one there for you - march on
Even when the days are long for you - march on
Like soldiers, March on!


Yes!! Tweetie will march on.

Tweetie will march on through the night and see the sun.

Through the good times, bad times, long days, hard nights...

Even when there's no one there for me to march on...
I will still march on - for me!!

Never give up!!! Never give up on yourself!!!

If there is no one to love me... to dote on me.. to pamper me..
I will be the one who love me, dote on me and pamper me.


*self hug*


But one thing for sure...

I am not pitiful. NOT pitiful at all.
Because - I have true friends who will stand by me, and one of them is Twinkle Star, my best friend. ^.^

I will count my blessings.

Autumn Sky

Hmmm.... Autumn....

Read the poem Chipmunk Prince wrote for his Princess tonight, and felt especially sentimental. It's so beautifully written, each word combined with another to bring forth such meaning and depth of expression. I was never quite someone into poetry, but I have come to truly appreciate what he writes daily. That's because of the story and reason behind each poem - that makes it meaningful to me, compared to just reading a book of poems.

For tonight's poem, these few lines stood out to me and triggered such emotions within me. Because I could relate to it.. because that is how I am feeling - the melancholy of Autumn and the fear that the heartwarming fuzzy romance of summer is over.

Excerpt from Poem :
"My Big Smile For You In Return"

Wrapped in the spring wind,
Describing a far-away dream,
The white clouds of summer scatter and vanish
Autumn sky, so full of sorrow;
Winter sea, so brim with chill
Losing ourselves in the passing of time


Really nice way of using the seasons.

Sigh.... (-.+)

I've always love Autumn. I love the season... and have always find it romantic. With the Autumn leaves falling, turning red.. I've always dreamed that I'll walk hand in hand with my darling, through the path lined with rows of autumn trees, Maple trees perhaps. Enjoying the coolness and chilling breeze, huddling close to each other.. and embracing in deep sweet loving kisses. ^.^ ... mmmm... so romantic~.

But right now, after a brief taste of summer sweetness, and just right after I began to entertain possibilities and embrace a new hope... just as emotions began to be unlocked, anticipation & heart rate accelerated, sweetness of soul well up and passion fire arose - I found myself suddenly in the shadows and cold silence. When I shout, I do not seem to hear anymore resounding echoes. What happened? I'm thinking too much again, am I? I'm being oversenstive, am I? But do I deny my intuition that summer has withdrew itself, leaving me to deal with the void - or do I begin to find excuses and reasons to deceive myself? However, I do know and am aware that sometimes the other priorities of life takes over and seize our time and focus away. Yet, the contrast is so great that I find myself unable to cope. At a moment when I needed him badly... I could only sense the distance - and the disappointment of his unavailability.

What happened to the daily sms of warm greetings and cheeky sweet nothings? What happened to random phonecalls? That is even before feelings were discovered. Shouldn't it be consistent or increase with intensity now that we both have crossed the line? Does slowing down mean full stop? Of course, it doesn't help the situation where we have an added complication of a mutual acquaintance sowing discord and shooting flaming arrows. Sigh...

I guess, I have to remind myself this : Attraction does not equal to Love. Sometimes, a man may feel strong attraction for a woman, but it only drives him to want to know her and know more about what makes her unique, and if she fits into his picture and his world. And with the knowing, attraction may fade or end abruptly (Oh dear... I hope this is not what happened. hehehe~!). Or, the attraction will blossom and grow, turning the connection into mutual affection, mutual love - where love is not just a feeling, but also a choice, a committment, an action, a reason for living, a fulfillment, a union. etc......

And I need to remain positive in my mindset. If a man who was attracted to me withdrew after knowing me better.. it is not such a negative thing. It simply means he knows what he wants, and he realises that I am not what he wants - and we are just not compatible, no need to try too hard, and better make things clear than lead each other on. Vice versa. That is why it is always wiser to take things slower and take the needed time to know the person better.

But yes, that's my logical mind speaking. What's my heart saying? Well, its not saying anything. It's SCREAMING!!!!!!! It's screaming and yelling "bullshit!!! go!!! chase!!! run after it!!! dive in!!! immerse yourself in it!!! let passion burn and consume!!! don't think so much!!! Seize the day!!! Cherish the moment!!! Come what may.......!!!! "

Sigh.. the head or the heart?

I know we both agreed on the right thing to do : to remain as friends for now, and take things slower.

Sigh.. yet, I'm struggling terribly. I'm in contradiction with myself !! I felt disappointed that he agreed to slow things down!! (hahaha... terrible lah we woman, this also wrong that also wrong then how?!!). Within me passion and desires are roaring waves ready to consume and devour!! My soul felt vexed with the internal war! My emotions are driving me nuts!! And the head - fortunately - the head is still in charge. Still in control.

He said that night.. that he dont wanna to let me go. That I am the kinda gal he wants... for a girlfriend, for a wife. I was melting, becuase he sounded so genuine, so true, so sincere .... in the midst of all the confusion. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH~!!!!! But right now, I felt as though I've been let go!!! Without a struggle!!! Sigh, ... I dont blame him lah. I can't blame him. I will just have to take the responsibility and also not let this be a blow. Who knows? He still mean it..? Who knows? Tomorrow is a mystery...

But I know, if i continue to dwell on this train of negative thinking, I will once again feel the pain of rejection and abandonment, and have to face my own personal demons. Again. I must turn away. I must rise above. I must stop these thoughts once they surface. I must embrace the positive voice. I must silence the negative me.

I WILL BE STRONG!!!!! and I WILL HAVE COURAGE!!!!!
I must not crumble and fall into dark moods each time romance come and go.
I must not turn into an emotional wreck and insecure neurotic needy frightened animal each time I start having feelings for somebody.

I am doing so much better now - as compared to the past... so much in control, so much in self-awareness.

Yet, I do wonder .. if I'm ready, when true love comes my way.

I still have not yet been involved in a healthy wholesome love relationship.

Am I a problem?

I longed to be embraced, to be told that its alright.. I'll be safe. He'll take care of me and protect me, be there for me to lean on. I dreamed of flowers, sweet kisses, loving kindness and happy laughter. Naughty playful moments, intense passionate intimacy (yeah yeah i meant sex, mating, love-making, humping! LOL!!), or quiet moments just enjoying each other's presense..

Fantasy?

Well, no harm dreaming.

I envy the Princess of Cresent Soar - where the Chipmunk Prince reinforce and declare his promises night after night after night. That he will never give up on her, that he will never let go, that he will always be there. And he have also inked his body permanently, symbols of his objective in seeking the Princess' happiness and recovery, and the most recent tattoo signifying Faith, Hope, Strength for the Princess and the promise of ever being there for her, with her so she's not alone, and to catch her if she falls. This is a man who not only speaks it, but he backs it up with actions.

Men say things at the spur of the moment, I guess. They meant it when they say it. But Grrrrr~!! I must learn not to be naive (how old already!!??? huh??). It is easy make promises, express desires, words are cheap. People forget. They can also free to change their mind. Yet, so often I play the promises in my mind... and embraced the hope, looking forward to fulfillment. Only to be disappointed. Is it me? Then perhaps I need to kill hope. Not to allow myself to have expectations.

I dont know WTF I'm writing actually. Just any thoughts that floats up to my mind at the moment, translating into text onscreen.

I guess, sometimes the wait is necessary. And I must make best use of the wait to better myself. To sort out personal issues, to continue to learn how to love myself, and have the right mindset and approach to matters of the heart.

There's still a long way to go for me.

This time, I've met someone who has many qualities I have always wanted to have in my life partner. If it didn't progress, I'll just have to keep walking this journey alone and not give up hope - till I encounter another. It will only get better, I hope haha!!

But yes, compared to the sorry asses I've given my heart to in the past, the quality is getter better and better. haha!!

THERE IS HOPE FOR ME!!!!

Well, I must get better and better too! ^.^

Felt better now after another "whining" session. At least some of the internal gyrations ,thoughts & emotions are sorted out.

Over the next week, I dont expect anything to improve or happen. I guess, lets call it the lack of faith. But I will do some reading up on some of those ebooks I have. Need to refresh my memory, and some I've bought but not read. Need to help myself and feed on the wisdom of others.

To be fair to him, I do know that he is genuinely busy with work and the committment required for his new businesses. I dont think I was part of his plan for this time and perhaps I was just a little crush that happened unexpectedly. Now it is necessary to refocus on responsibilities and work. He had said, that he needs only me to stand by him (when I ask if there's anything I can do to help). I think, the last thing he needs now is a whiny needy woman that is attention seeking and emotionally high maintenance. Therefore, I will let it go, and return to my good old self, which is definitely more light-hearted, funky, zany and attractive.

It's mum's birthday tomorrow - 11 June. I'm on leave, and will spend some time to make her day. =^^= (and i better start bloggin the happy stuff, I've been accused of character assasination and whining blah blah blah by a stranger - but if I'm not wrong, most of the time, the character I assasinate here is my own. So WTF!!)

Ok, time to Zzz. All these late nights are turning me into a panda. Wohoe~!!

Heart Matters

Thoughts are kinda in a jumble, so are emotions.

Is it for real? Could it be true this time?
Love.....

I want to believe in it, yet I lack the courage to just fall into it, to rest and be assured, to embrace it. I feel afraid.. afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be a fool again, afraid to be deeply disappointed, afraid that its another passing cloud, afraid of another wolf in sheep clothing which I still dont seem to know how to detect.. afraid that I will ruin it with my overwhelming emotions and passionate desires once I unleash them from within me... .

Now, I just want to shrink, run, and withdraw - to hide..

Confusion fills my mind and heart, and it clouds the eyes i can't see clearly.

Reaching out to me is someone who seems genuine.. who seems to have come to know me in my unfiltered self and has liked me for who i am... (really??? hmm... he have not seen the worst of me!).. he also does not seem to be one who will give up easily but will stand by me, seems more mature and stable and wholesome and patient than me. Someone I felt I can respect, depend on, trust, give of myself to.... Or is this just my fantasy playing tricks on me?

Insecurity - it has strike me again. Sigh... creeping up on me is also the fear - that my other "dark emotions" might start surfcaing me and overwhelm me, freaking him off. Yet I know.. if he is someone who is not able to have the luxury of time to spend with me - that will bring me into the zone of neediness. I don't want to miss someone too badly.. I don't want to desire and long to be with someone so much that it hurts... I dont want to start giving of my heart and soul, only to find the other person withdrawing. ...

I am just afraid.

Why?

Sigh.. thinking too much is the problem. He told me that I am the one complicating things.
I guess he's right. Sigh...

Ok lah I will sleep early tonight. Did not managed to sleep last nite bcos of 2 cups of late night coffee.

And it does not help that throughout today, I'm the one who initiated all the contacts to him - he just reply. Bad..... yes, bad. This is no good... No more. Cannot liddat lah.. wrong liao wrong liao. And I dont want to wonder why and assume wrong things, haha. Sigh... I gotta slow my heart down and cool my mind off.. (-_-) Haiya.. why I so liddat?...

Yet... the wise words of the master from Kungfu Panda "Yesteday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a Gift - that's why it is call the Present".

Why think so far ahead? Why anticipate the negative future?

I should treasure what I have today.
I shall treasure the gift of Summer's warmth given in my heart.
And yes, I will cherish the special memories of that romantic night at Bali Villa - haha!! How unexpected, how sweet! How confusing! Oh my... complicated.. complicated... ~!

Donno what the fug i am talking liao, but yeah, Zzz first bah.

*hug .. self hug*

Such Injustice!!! Such Bullies!!!!

Sighhhh.... I'm Soooooooo UPSET!!!!!!

I really hate those bullies!!!!!!!

On 15 Nov 2006 .... that's bloody more than a year and half ago, I was about to turn out from the carpark at my HDB estate when a white Honda Wish drove in and wanted to turn into the carpark. Naturally, I braked and stop to give the right of way to the white car... BUT!!!! THE FUCKING WHITE HONDA WISH SWERVE SO CLOSE TO MY CAR, IT ACTUALLY SCRAPED IT'S SIDE OF THE CAR AGAINST MY CAR'S BUMBER!!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!!

I pulled the handbrake, got down the car, and went to the White car. The driver was a petite lady looking in her mid 30's. She got down the car and started accusing me of swerving into her path and damaging the car!!! OMG!!!! What??????????

So thence begun a quarrell between us at the bottom of my block's carpark, our voices echoing in the neighborhood. Some uncles standing nearby just stood and watch the cat fight. I told the lady I my car was stationery and how could it be that I scraped her car when she's the one moving so close and does not have the good sense to brake and slow down during turning. She said, "How would I know that my car is so close to yours??"... OMG~!!!

So I raised my voice in disbelief and said "What are your side mirrors for!!!!??? And where do you learn your driving???!! Doesn't your instructor teach you how to judge distance?? If you are too close, you should at least brake and then turn off slowly to maintain a save distance from another car!!! LOOK!!!! LOOK THERE!!!! My car is still WITHIN the L-Shape bracket and stop line!! I was well within my path and YOU drove into me, Bitch!!!!!"

The woman took out her mobile phone and called her husband, and started acting like a victim saying .. "Darling, I was turning into the carpark of Bukit Batok when this woman drove and swerve so closely into my path and before I could react, her car already scraped into your new car and now the whole side is badly damaged!! She is now so fierce and yelling at me in front of your son and trying to blame me and intimidate me! Darling, can you come?? I don't know what to do....."

WAH PIANG!!!! I CANNOT TAHAN THIS ... THIS... THIS KIND OF PRETENSIVE BITCH!!!!!!

After she put down the phone, I was so damn pissed off. I just said, "Wah, good lah, call husband lah, but doesn't change the fact that you are the one at fault!!!"

So she said, "Then??? What do you want me to to?? What do you want from me??!!!"

At that point, then it occured to me that pulling the hair out of each other and scratching each other's face will not solve the problem. And, I have somewhere to go.

So I said, "OK - let's at least exchange names and phone numbers and copy down each other's Car licence plate and see what to do later. " And that's what we did, and I drove off.

No, we didnt take pictures of the scene of crime. We didn't have our cameras with us. (and URGGHHHH~ It was later on that I kicked myself for being so stupid, because I forgot that my mobile phone has a camera~!! Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!)

Sigh....

Later that night, my brother met up with the bitch's husband and jointly we filled up the Accident Statement form. Signed on both versions, and part ways.

We never heard from them again.

Till lately.

It seems, they are now claiming damages against us : Repair costs, Loss of use, Legal fees, all other shit that was related. And my mum's car insurance Claim Executive informed us that they have now engaged a lawyer for this case and wants to claim all the damages, amounting to more than a thousand dollars. Repair cost is about S$630, but when inclusive of everything thing else including the legal fees, it will cost us more than S$1k.

This is so fucking unfair~!!!

And our insurance said that it's a 50/50 case, and there's nothing they can do about it. We can either go all the way to Court to settle this, or agree to the claims from the other party.

SHIT!!! We are not even the ones at fault and we have to pay for that stupid woman's driving mistake and their bullying fees????!!!!!!!

THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!! THIS IS INJUSTICE!!!!!

I AM SO UPSET!!!!!!!

I wish I could retaliate yet there's nothing we could do but to await the claims!!

The Insurance Company is now trying to get them to agree to us paying 20% of the damages. But in my opinion, they will not accept 20% if they've already gone all the way to engage legal help.

Mum is pissed, of course, because this will greatly affect her NCB moving forward.

Sigh......

Not fair... not fair at all.

I feel so lousy. I find it so hard to swallow this injustice.

I hate bullies.

I HATE BULLIES!!!!!!!!

So disappointed

After waiting for too long, finally got a call this afternoon while I was out with mum for some lunch and english tea at Forsters, Holland V.

The consultant from Search Agency informed me that the company I've been interviewing with had to put the position on hold due to a recent acquisition by their Parent Company. This means that they will inherit an additional 20+ people in Singapore and they have been asked to look into the internal pool for this resource. Only after the entire M&A exercise close in mid June can they know if they could go ahead to hire additional headcount (good news for me!) or they will have to close the position with an internal staff.

I think, the chances are slim that the position will eventually open up. There would still be the chance, but I wouldn't bet on it and neither do I wanna place any hope in it. Sighhh.... I am very disappointed, really really disappointed.

Suddenly I feel lost...

I tried encouraging myself that its ok, just start the search again and keep trying etc, but I can't help but feel this deep disappointment. The consultant told me that the 2 directors who interviewed me absolutely love me and want to hire me immediately if it is totally their call - but I am also over their budget and they would need further approval from HQ to let them "upgrade" the job so they can hire me.

Too many obstacles I guess.

Sigh..

I was very much looking forward to starting with them. The job seem interesting and they really look like nice bosses to work with. Also, I like the culture and also the nature of their business - in Audio/Web Communication. I was looking forward to start with them in June, so that it is a smooth transition and I could hide the truth from my parents that I've been retrenched. I planned to tell them that I was approached to consider a position, my boss supported it, and I got the job and moved into it.

Now, .. *poof* - gone. Nothing. Square one.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up and see what can I get.

The consultant said there's another new position that has came up, but she has not spoke to the client to learn further about the position's requirement yet. Judging from what she has read, she felt that I could potentially be a fit as well. This time, it is a HR position. She will let me know more next week.

Well, I hope this would be a good opportunity to consider. Honestly, my heart is still with this Communication Audio/Web conferencing company. And I kinda dread the word HR now.

Looks like my slimming plans need to be put on hold, LOL!! But that sounds so fatalistic. Yet, I need to exercise prudence too.

Oh well. ..

Will blog about more things tomorrow if there's time. I have so much to update, ahahhahahaha!!! Life continues to be interesting in tweetie's life!

I also wanna move the blog entries from my yahoo 360 over - some stuff are good stuff and its better that they are all housed in the same place, I guess.

Time to sleep. The medication is taking effect... eyelids are droopy... Zzz...zz....z...

Feeling small and insecure

Never thought I'll feel this way, what overcame me?

Just returned from interviewng a candidate for my replacement, done over lunch together with boss and the FM. That's what we usually do for a 2nd interview, in a casual setting. More or less, I think Charlie will offer the position to J.Lim, she's the one who does not have the "emotional" dimension in her personality. She seems to be the perfect fit, coming across as confident, composed, down to earth, modest, pleasant, experienced, competent and many more. The other "2nd strongest" candidate, LL whom we met again today, is also very pleasant - more outgoing and warm, someone who works smart and has the potential to go far. I like both very much. Frankly, I feel LLL will blend much better into the culture and bond better with the staff.

However, boss does seem to have a big problem with LLL, because he felt that she will potentially have outbursts of emotions and will offend people because of the lack of tact - that is based on the CVAT profile results. I tend to disagree, because I do feel that LLL is streetwise and will be able to handle people well, and in fact, able to be more approachable and nurturing than JLim.

From the way I observe how boss is so paranoid about those candidates who, according to the CVAT results scored low on politics (which means, they have the tendencies to be transparent, wearing their heart out on their sleeves, readable, expressive, trusting, takes things at face value, more direct, less subtle etc.), or scored higher in feelings & emotions, I begin to perceive that he is trying to avoid someone who may be blunt & emotionally rich - like me!!! Instinctively, (or perhaps just being hypersensitive), I felt he really would be happy to be rid of me. In fact, on the way back to office, in the car, he even said to me, "...That's why I don't want to get someone like you". Gosh!!! How sensitive can he be!!!???? I had to fight back my tears and the sense of rejection and hurt that threatens to just rise from within and take over. I went very quiet, though trying to look normal and cheery.

Suddenly, I feel very discouraged.
I feel so small and unwanted.
I feel as though I've been betrayed.

Perhaps he had not really meant it when he said he really don't want to let me go and was fighting hard for me to remain. Perhaps, he had not really fought at all! Perhaps he was happy to help push the coffin out into the water. Perhaps all the whole speech about letting me go earlier in June instead of July for my own good is just a whole sugar coating packaging to disguise his secret earnesty to get someone new and different. Sigh, I don't like this train of negative thoughts and where they are leading. I'm now guilty of feeding the wounds of rejection and thinking wild thoughts.

I was genuinely happy to have seen 2 candidates whom I am 120% sure would do a much better job than me, able to do much more, and add much more value to the company than me, at HALF the salary cost. Through interviewing them, I do secretly feel ashamed of myself and know that I am only half as good and efficient. I do know that I'm not doing something I am naturally good at, I am not working on tasks I enjoy or are good at doing. I did not have a choice but to just take on all the responsibilities thrown at me. I am the professional Unprofessional here. Sigh..

Although 2 nights ago during a discussion, boss said I should give myself more credit - but right now I wonder if that is just being kind & encouraging or does he truly meant it. I am not intimidated by the more efficient candidates who cost less. I know where I stand and I know where I came from. I know I am not cut out for such jobs. I know what I'm better at doing and it is not in juggling administration and multitasking and detail work. I consider myself blessed & fortunate to be sitting where I am and enjoying the perks and salary level for the past 6 months since the promotion. But all these will come to an end in a few weeks. I am down to earth. I know will miss it badly but life will go on. Wherever I land, I will just have to shine in my own way. Be happy in my own way.

I guess.. I just hate to have been living in self-deception or living under the false impression that everyone likes me and appreciates me, only to come to the rude awakening that it is not true or people thinks otherwise. Sigh..

I think, I also felt the pangs of being side stepped. I was the right hand person.. and it sort of made me feel important. For the past few weeks, boss no longer come to me for anything. The entire office renovation is handled by the FM, but in the past, boss would've at least still chat with me about what he thinks, what he plans to do, what do I think, anything I might want to add or he needs to consider.. etc. But in this project, not even an opinion had he sought of me. Why do I feel so sour about it? I guess I this is the downfall of being an emotional person. Feels too much. Thinks too much. Too sensitive. Am I being petty? Sigh... I guess, I was used to working closely with him and playing his sounding board and giving my input. The sudden change throws me off into insecurity.

And see?? Because I am emotional and sensitive, I am now unhappy over something petty. This is high maintenance. It will be draining and exhausting at work to not only deal with problems but also the feelings of sensitive emotional women who has problem hiding how they are feeling. No wonder he would want someone more objective and emotionally controlled. I guess.. those little "fights" I had with him does have its detrimental effects. I have been naive. I feel so lousy. I guess, its true that emotions in the workplace should be kept to minimal. I will probably need to improve on that. I doubt there is much I can really do about me. Sigh....

Colleagues came to me asking questions about the renovation, raising their concerns. But I have no answer for them. They are surprised that boss have not discussed any of the plan or details with me. I just shrugged and say that perhaps he knows there're too many things on my plate and he's leaving me to focus on those issues first. I personally believe that boss has not involved me in this project because I'm on my way OUT anyway and also will no longer be part of the team nor be directly affected by the new office arrangements, hence, just totally leave me out of the picture. And of course, I can't tell my colleagues that... I have to be cool and hide from them the fact that I'll be leaving... oh gosh, I feel such grief in my heart.

But soon, on Monday, they will be informed.
I expected that most of them would be sad to see me go. At least 3 of them had told me I'm one reason they feel that it is a great place to come to work. One said she decided to take the job because secretly she hoped I'll be her boss (during the interview), one had decided not to just quit without a job and decided to stay on and perservere because she felt that as long as I'm around, she has someone to relate to. But now, I think, perhaps I'm just flattering myself. Anyway, Charlie is an equally good boss who is fun and cares about the people. And JLim will be equally perfect as a new addition. My time is over, and time to move on. Hopefully, I will still be a blessing to somebody, wherever I land. I will try.

Hopefully, by tomorrow boss could decide who he would hire as my replacement. In a way, I hope it is JLim. The greatest advantage is - she can start work immediately (perhaps on Monday itself, haha!) and she will have no problem understanding the job. She can also act as an additional helping hand as well as allowing me to commence transition immediately. I will be able to leave as soon as possible. Maybe end of May! Wow!

I was feeling sad and down that I will be leaving the company. Past few days I have felt increasing sadness within me.. and with today's experience, I felt worse. Perhaps I won't really be missed after all. Sometimes people are just being nice. Better I go quickly la! I don't go where I am not welcomed or wanted. This is also the reason why I choose not to run after men. I don't have a strong inner game to handle rejection. Soft like tofu.

I think, now I just wish I have a big shell like the snail or tortise to shrink and hide.

Things really don't seem to be going on well for me.

I know I'm probably wrong, but I guess right now, I'm just having my pity party. I'll be alright when the party's over.

I know for a fact I'm loved and appreciated. I just don't feel it right now, that's all.. and feelings come and go. So you can't always depend on it. Urghhh... I'm hurting so badly.

With this, I do wish I am like the young girl Eve (a reader of Cresent Soar), who - even after being bombarded & trashed by everyone - still seems not to care and holds her own, retaliating and standing for herself and no one could beat her down. She's adorable in her own way, perhaps just misunderstood and immature.. although I will never wanna be associated with her. Anyway, it's not my nature to be trashing anyone with such mean words and insults (I've been doing that recently, without restraint) - I'm not proud of it. Somehow, that's kinda ungracious of me, hahaha!! (I'm so tempted to say who cares!). Aiya, hopefully I can resist the urge to tell her off in the comments again next time. Getting too involved or carried away is not good.

OK lah, gotta stop. Had to go down to Orchard road now to hand over the expat's apartment back to landlord. Then, followed by the slimming session at Beyond Beauty Park Mall. Yes, I signed up a promotional package last July for 8 sessions of slimming (hahahaha!! waste of money!!!) and now I'm just trying to fulfill it by using it up all at once, 2x per week for an hour of fat jigging treatment. I already know what the result will be : Softer fats, but none the lesser. Bcos all these treatment could only attempt to warm the fats up or try to break it down into smaller molecules to allow some drainage out of the body. Blehhhhhhhh~... whatever. I just hope I won't be persuaded to buy more extra sessions "to see results". Wait till I get my retrenchment payment and job offer. Then I will have some extra cash to throw into "effective shortcuts" to fat reduction. Kekeke...

OK lah, party's over.
It's ok lah, won't die lah. Disappointment only la.
It's ok........ Things are not as bad as they seem la.
Just need to see past the gloomy grey clouds, and bearing in mind that there are still the silver linings. Ya?

^.^

*self hug*

I've also still not told my family about my retrenchment. I'm hoping I could sandwich the bad news with the good news that I have another job to transit to. The potential employer have invited me down for a 3rd & final interview next Tues, hopefully there will be good news by Wednesday. That would be really really great! I would have something to look forward to. I wish me all the best!!!!!!

Go Tweetie go!!

What a blunder!!! What a boo boo!!!

Urrggghhhhh... how could I?????!!!

Bloody shit, that is terrible of me!! I feel so damn lousy now!!! SHIT!! SHIT!! SHIT!!!!!

*BIG SIGH~* -_-

Now what have I done? That is cruel and careless and I don't think I can live with it. Can't!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Met up with Kurt for a movie tonight.

Some background on who's Kurt :

He's the last guy I dated, 3 weeks back on 17 April - the same fateful day I was informed of my retrenchment. The first date was magical... we seemed to share so much chemistry with each other - it felt unbelievable. The following day he was already sending sweet sms and calling me his darling. Then he asked me to celebrate his birthday with him falling on 28th April. I was thrilled and felt that finally I had met somebody genuine and not in a complicated situation. I had even embraced the hope that I might really go into a real healthy wholesome relationship this time with a man that I am mutually attracted to, who seemed to like me for the right reasons, who seemed to be not so bad himself - in fact, he seemed better than most of the guys i've met recently, other than Nick. Nick is still the most outstanding, yet not "normal" and "not available for committment".

Anyway, during the day we met for a 2nd date, things start to "go wrong". He had lost his digital cam due to some carelessness and needed to buy a new one. He asked if that could be his birthday gift. I agreed promptly, and later when my brain starts working, I felt like a lamb to the slaughter. Spent $700 for his camera., a Sony T300 latest model, add 2 years warranty. The 3rd time we went out, he claimed to be low on petrol and it won't last till end of the month, and has not been paid commission by the company he works for since Dec 2006. It seems that his base pay is damn low (Pay bucket is 20% base pay, 80% Commission), and he could hardly cope. He drives a BMW, by the way, and tonight I manage to get the licence no - It is SDY6699R. Anyway, I agreed to help him pay for Petrol. We realised that his cashcard is also damn low, at $5.65 when we entered the Orchard Cineleisure carpark, planning to watch a late night show. Hence, I also agreed to help him top up his cash card. Otherwise, he'll probably be in trouble out on the roads with the ERP gantries everywhere.

I passed him S$100 for the petrol, because he kept saying that in case we forgot to pump petrol and I ran off or went home, at least he has the cash to pay the petrol. At the Petrol station, I paid for the petrol with credit card, amount to about S$64. Then we stopped at 7-11 where I asked him back for the cash to top up the cash card. He only gave me one piece of the S$50 note back. I noted it silently, and helped him get the cash card top up with S$50. He never did give me back the unused S$50. This whole event set off all the warning and alarm bells in my system that he is most probably a conman out to cheat or prey on women's money. Yet, it is so hard to reconcile and tag him to such a crime. I guess, I was in denial. I wanted to believe that he really did like me and is sincere about me. I was not willing to believe that I met another asshole again.

Lots of things I find strange about him and really began to seriously doubt his integrity. I find him evasive, and a mystery. He claimed to be my boyfriend (since the 2nd date) and calls me his darling, wanna bring me for holiday in Bangkok in July, hinted that I will be his wife - yet all I get are sms that just asks where am I and what am I doing.... and no phone calls. When I call him instead, he either sounds uncomfortable on the phone or would try to end the call briefly. He never answer questions directly and if the questions were asked via sms then I can expect it to be ignored. I never had the luxury of chatting with him on daily ordinary stuff that could help us get to know each other. In fact, I dont feel that he was trying to get to know me better, nor allowing me to know him.

So now, back to tonight :

He had asked to meet me for a movie tonight. He said he had to be at a wedding dinner and will meet me after it ends about 11pm - and he'll be at the cinema around 11.30pm. Hence I booked the tickets for the 11.40pm show for SuperHeroes Movie at the Orchard Cineleisure. At 11pm, he arrived - early. It was nice to see him again though, he still looks charming in his own way, and of course, he was telling me that I looked absolutely stunning. Yet, I find that so hard to believe (although I do know I look sexy & fabulous & fantastic, heh heh~). Sigh.. I just can't believe a word of his compliment anymore. I do wonder if I'm being overly sceptical or cynical or suspicious of him. He behaved naturally, taking my hand or reaching for mine when we are heading somewhere. He took little kisses from my lips and held me by the waist or shoulders.. yet, I can't feel any closeness. Perhaps my heart has shut him out to protect myself against possible hurt.

While trying to kill time waiting for the movie to start (we had 40mins), I had hoped to have some time to sit down and have a talk with him, to clear the air - yet he didnt give me a chance. We stopped in front of some giant soft toys at one point and he asked me to pose and took a picture of me, using his new camera. He also asked me to help take one for him using the same cam. Yet when I said I wanted to take a picture of him & us with my camera, he just give me a cheeky smile and walked quickly away. This tells me he is simply not allowing me to have a picture of him. When I asked him why hadn't he sent me the pictures of us he last took at the Shangrila Blue Horizon, he just said that he can't do it due to a technical problem. I asked what technical problem - and he just said somehow he can't send it out, and asked me to send him my email address again. Geez, this guy is good, he avoid answering my questions by giving irrelavant answers. I just didn't want to press it at that point, besides, he kept trying to distract me with other things so I could not bite into the matter.

During the movie, we're almost like 2 strangers sitting beside each other. Except that before movie starts, he took both my hands to examine my fingers and nails. When I ask why, he said "nothing, just admiring them" and a quick little smile. During the movie, he was also yawning away and kept rubbing his right eye as though he's gonna dig it out. I could tell he's tired. Oh, he told me he skipped dessert to be able to arrive early at the cinema, because he didn't want me to wait alone for too long (I had to be there an hour prior to the movie to collect the tickets). I thought that was really sweet of him... yet, at the back of my mind, I wondered if he really did come from a wedding dinner at Ritz Carlton. I nearly wanted to take up his offer during the afternoon phonecall to meet him at Ritz and be introduced to the Bride & Groom. I only asked where the wedding dinner would be, and he replied that I sounded like his immature possessive ex-girlfriend whom he had to report daily to. Of course I was pissed off! Oh well, forget it.

After the movie ended, while walking out of the theatre, he rubbed his tummy and told me he don't feel good - probably due to the milk he drank. (Milk? When did he get the chance to drink milk? If I ask, he'd surely said he stop by somewhere after the wedding dinner to get milk to drink.) Oh by the way, he seemed quite an unhealthy person. He told me he has a weak bladder (which I asked after observing that he needed to go toilet pretty often during our past 3 dates) - I wonder if he just needed to go to the gents to call his other darlings. He also had weak stomach and don't take certain food well, hence prone to tummy discomfort. He easily don't feel well, feel nausea, or other stuff. Tonight, he claimed that he needed to keep walking about because his chest don't feel good, almost could not breath, not sure why and would feel better if he kept walking - I wondered if he was trying to avoid sitting down with me because he know I wanted to talk, and has questions to ask.

Anyway, as we're about to leave, I told him its ok not to send me home tonight - I'll catch a cab back. Besides, he really looked so tired and was not feeling well, I didnt have the heart to want him send me home all the way (he stays in Bedok, while I stayed in Bukit Batok) - perhaps can save some petrol as well. He gave me a grateful nod, said I'm so sweet... but insisted on sending me out with his car and dropping me off at the entrance. So I agreed. In the car, he asked me to close my eyes, took my hand, and he put a ring on my finger. I felt confused... touched... sad....... (-_-). I liked the ring, it is really very sweet of him, a really sweet surprise. The ring seems like an ordinary (cheap) costume jewelry, yet to me, its always the thought that counts. He said he noticed I seem to like rings, and they look good on my hand, and so he bought one to surprise me. I felt bad that instance about all the thoughts I have of him, yet, I know that there is also this great heaviness and doubt I feel in my heart and the initial attraction I had for him has sort of died - due to the lack of open communication, the doubts, frustrations and all that has taken place so far. SIGH...

When he dropped me off at the main road, he apologised sincerely for not being able to send me home, which I told him its fine, not to worry - and he drove off. I watched his black car sped off into the distance, and sms a short message to Twinkle. She had wanted to know how tonight went.

This is the part where, to my horror, I sent the message out to Kurt instead!!!!! OMG!!!!! How could my fingers be so dumb!!! How could I make such a mistake!!!! I tried turning my phone off immediately - but it was too late. The message has gone out to him. OH SHIT!!!!!!!

My sms says :
Just to inform that nothing happen. Didn't even get to talk. We just watched the movie- which was damn lame and not worth it. After movie I said its ok not to send me back, he doesn't seem well also. Gave me a ring as a surprise, sigh. Gonna catch a cab home now. Strange guy. I give up.Won't bother liao. Anyway, I no longer feel attracted to him nor want anything more. :-)

Seriously, my heart nearly stop.
I felt utterly utterly utterly lousy that this message was sent to him!!!!
SHIT!!!!!
There's no way to take it back!!!

Therefore, I sent another one to him saying :
Sorry I sent it to you by mistake, sms was meant for my best friend who wanna know how's my night....... but might as well you know how i feel. Sigh, I really dont understand you. I'm sorry.


Sigh!!!!!

That's all.

No reply from him at all.

I guess... both the messages would have sent him a strong and obvious message that it is time for him to fuck off, move off.

I wonder, if I've screwed it all up.
Tonight, he didn't mention anything about money at all.
Instead, he had wanted to get the tickets but I said I'll just do it online to ensure we have the seats we want.
And Instead, he GAVE me a ring.
What if ... he was really sincere about me but just have his own quirky ways?

Sighhhhhhh......... I feel so bad, so lousy, so remorseful. Why am I so careless!!!!

And of couse, I worry that he would be hurt. I have not intended to hurt anyone.

I guess, I just have to live with it.

What a twist of event. Perhaps it is for the better. Because I do know that me and him are not compatible in many areas. Communication is already one. Also, I don't think I want to constantly worry about his finances - whether he has money to pay for petrol, to pay for anything including food, or when will he pop the next question to ask me to help pay for something?

Urgh!!! WHATEVER!!!!
I think this boo boo I made will surely bug me for days, surely surely surely! I feeeeeeel so so so so so so so so so so bad about this. Sigh!!!!!!!! How embarrassing!

I hope he'll reply or say something. Whatever he might say will definitely help me feel better than plain silence, not knowing what he's thinking!

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Sigh....

Give me a new rainbow

Just need to post a short one to get some stuff out of my system.

I find that I no longer enjoy coming in to work, and each day now gives me new frustration. Well, of course, this has very much to do with the fact that I'll be leaving. Yet, because of the state of affairs, I began to feel sensitive about some things, and this really bothers me because I fail to be cool and gracious and big - instead, I seem petty and uptight and egoistic and childish.

Why do I say this?

This morning I got in to office (yes, now I'm blogging in office during office hour, LOL!) and found an email from the Finance Manager. It says "Hi! Vivian, Discussed with Charlie & we think that will be better for Finance to check on the payroll details. This will ensure expenses are charged to the relevant exp lines and to enhance internal control procedure. Please kindly forward to me monthly payroll details starting from Mar onwards. Thanks & rgds." .

Well, the first thoughts that came to my mind is : Fuck, why am I not in the discussion? And fine, then it would be nice if at least one of them just have a word with me personally isn't it? I would expect my boss to just tell me that he had that discussion with her and felt it is better this way blah blah blah.. then at least I would still feel respected and valued - not just a nobody!!!

I have been bringing up this issue to boss many times, expressing that finance SHOULD have assess to payroll details, in order to ensure things have been done correclty and figures charged to the correct account and cost centers etc. However he was not comfortable with more people having assess to salary data, and I fully understand his viewpoint. Now, they discussed and decided, and just issued me a short email as above, simply pissed me off! I really do feel like a nobody!!! I really think it could have been better handled. Of course my thoughts from hell shouts loudly in the likes of "Yeah, you're leaving, of course you're a nobody! Who cares! Don't flatter yourself! You're just a slave! Useful life ended, time to flush down the bowl!" Grrrrrrr~!!!

Sigh.... glad to get it off my chest.

With that out of the way, at least I may allow my more reasonable inner voice to be heard. I've been busy and have been out of the office. Boss have also been busy and after all, he's a man, and he's not gay. He does not have all the skills in the world to be sensitive to everyone's feelings, and neither does he need to be extra senstive to my feelings. I should be the one who learn to be mature and cool and handle things and issues professionally without getting sensitive and personal and emotional. I should not even be having self-perceived persecution, as though people are against me and trying to make things unpleasant for me - that is a victim's mentality. Also, different people have different style of communication. This is after all, just work. Just communicate clearly, and then just get the job done - nothing personal. Everyone is just trying to make sure things run smoothly, things are done in a better way, the need to adjust to changes in the organisation and get paid for an honest day's work at the end of each month.

Cool. I think that's better.

Sigh, yet my heart still feels heavy even after I've rationalised my emotions and allow my mind to think the right thoughts. I am basically still an emotionally driven person. It will take some time for me to adjust to the right thoughts.

A reminder : YOU are WHAT YOU THINK. -- As a man thinketh, so is he. Hmmm... did I quote correctly? Or is it What you think becomes you? Aiya, nevermind lah, you know what i mean and I know what I mean can liao. hahahaha..

In a few hours time, I'll be going for a 2nd interview at a new company. The 1st interview on Wednesday morning went quite well and the job seems interesting. It's a PA/Office Manager job at an american MNC company dealing with Web conferencing and Audio conferencing business. There would not be much HR in it, so I'm moving out from the HR field if I take the job. Somehow, that also kinda make me feel a little defeated. I'll miss the title and status of calling myself the "HR Manager" and the sense of pride that goes with it. However, I do know that the job and the title does not define my value as a person. I think, I will be happy as long as I'm working in a nice environment, working with great people, paid well enough, and is able to like what I am doing and be good in what I am doing - ie. where I can shine. So, I am now pretty much looking forward to a new job, and I hope I do get this job and I do hope they will be able to match my current pay without asking me to take a pay cut. That would really be very nice. :o)


Give Me A New Rainbow

Give me a new rainbow in all its brilliant splendor
In the midst of this dark cloudy stormy day
That I may once more lift up my countenance
To embrace new hope, to dream new dreams
To believe in their fulfillment and the happiness it'll bring

Give me a new song a new melody to sing
When my heart is so heavy and laden with cares and woes
That I may lighten the dark mood and dispell the dreading gloom
For I believe in me - I will believe in me - in a better tomorrow
That I'll be stronger than yesterday (heh heh heh... ;P)

Therefore - Hold on, Press on, Soldier on,
Ride it through, brave it through.. till you shine through
Taking a day at a time, one step at a time
And I know - I'll do right, I'll cope fine
For everything's gonna be alright!!!


There, now I'm also a psalmist. hahahah!!


And yes -

Met up with a new friend HF yesterday for coffee and had a really great time out. We had coffee at Shangrila and spent hours just talking and sharing bits and pieces of our live's encounters, as well as discuss a few things close to our heart. What really surprised me is his "welcome gift". This young man passed me a SK red ribbon box and said (with stern voice)- "Doooon't take it the wrong way, every time I meet a new friend, I always bring a gift." And to my awe, it is a beautiful necklace with a sweet cross pendant. It must be expensive!!!!!!!! And shit, I was tempted to burst into tears but have to be cool and hold my composure. *sniff*

I think this act of his brought some real healing to my soul. I've only just stated in my last blog post, that so far for all the men I've met or dated, I could only recall those that robbed me or took from me and none that've given to me... (except, now, I do recall that Jeremy gave me a beautiful pair of Pearl ear rings from SK with a note that says he loves me - but he was also the one who robbed me of my precious, hahaha!!). Though the gift came from just a mutual friend (HF already has a muse), I think it could not have been given to me at a more perfect timing than yesterday, and I am thankful for it. It is a beautiful and thoughtful gift. So, thank you, HF. You make my day!!!!!

And I am glad to have added a genuine friend. Another blessing to remember to count when my eyes are clouded and emotions in dark storms.

Urgh, I'm nervous about the interview. I hope to have favour in the eyes of this Director, and I do hope that it will be a really good move to accept the job if offered to me.

I look forward to seeing a new rainbow for my life.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did a quick google on Rainbow Quotes and oh my, so many!
Just a few that I felt which reflected what's churning in my soul for now :


“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears" - John Vance Cheney

“May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.” - an Irish Blessings Quote

“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.” - Dream is a Wish in Your Heart

“No vision and you perish; No Ideal, and you're lost; Your heart must ever cherish Some faith at any cost. Some hope, some dream to cling to, Some rainbow in the sky, Some melody to sing to, Some service that is high.” - Harriet Du Autermont

Chivas is good for Tweetie's soul

Just can't contain the misery I felt within my soul anymore...

Today has been a tearful day at the office - mine, of course, in silence.. grateful for the privacy of my own office. Sigh, soon this priviledge would be gone. But I'll be moving on to something better, I hope. Heartaches for the money flew away due to my stubborn stupidity & blindness as well as the pain of being manipulated and taken advantage of by a loser really got to me. For once, after such a long while, I thought I've finally met someone wonderful who seemed to have most of the right values and intentions, who liked me for who I am and liking me for the same reasons I love myself for. It's so hard to accept that its all an act and a means to deceive the old single ladies desperate for true love who have some spending power (Grrrr... ok, I'm exaggerating, I don't belong to that category, I'm irresistibly wonderful and adorable, as much as durian attracts flies and those who really appreciates durian.)

Had a fight with boss too, during discussions over the recruitment of a new lady to replace me due to something I said. But, my fights with him are always like "man to man" - no hard feelings on his side, just bruises on mine and I'll had to take some 20mins alone to sizzle & fume, then cry angry tears with clenched fists and dialated nostrials, then absolutely swear &%$#@ that he shan't expect any more of my loyalty and support no more (you fff.. fff.. FAT bbb..bb...bbbastard!!!!!!!), and yet -- next moment we were talking again like old friends, as though nothing had happened. All forgotten. Blehhhh... What's wrong with me? -_-"

Menses came today - as expected, so this explained part of the absolutely overwhelming melancholy I felt within my soul. I'm seldom miserable when menses are due.. I don't usually have the much dreaded PMS kinda manifestations some women have - but when I am going through an emotional rough patch or difficult period, I do feel it more and find it hard to fight off the negative emotions... just find myself unable to arise, to stand, to pull myself together.

Have just walked to the pantry to get me a little cup and 3 cubes of ice. Poured myself a shot (or 2 shots? Ok, one-inch high) of the Chivas Regal Whiskey displayed on my office cabinet to drink... hopefully it would cheer me up a little and bring some sweet rosiness to my puffy cheeks. Sighhhhh~.....

LOL~!!! Currently, on my side cabinet is displayed : A 3/4 full bottle of Chivas Regal (took back from K-box after a KTV session after a company dinner event in end-Jan), a 1Litre bottle of Macallan Elegancia Single Malt Scotch Whiskey (my birthday gift from Charlie, my boss last November), and a bottle of New Zealand Marlborough's Dog Point Vineyard 2006 Sauvignon Blanc (bought it about 6mths back), a bottle of sweet spanish Moscatel,(yummmmy~!! I love sweeeeet dessert wine!) a mini Eiffel Tower Cognac V. S. (I bought during my trip to Paris last August with Sheela) and a mini bottle of Ben Nevis Blended Scotch Whiskey (which I received as a welcome gift during the meeting in Scotland).

HEY!!!!! Let me take a pic and show you!!!
See?


side cabinet in tweetie's office - love the drunk doggie? haw haw haw....


Hahaha.. GOSH!! You know what???? whilst doing the pic (uh.. well, I took the time to arrange the bottles up nicely, reshuffled some stuff on the side cabinet for the sake of this photo-shoot), I'm actually fully distracted from my stinking misery and got into an amused mode, hahahaha!!!

Oh gee... I really really did start typing this post with tears streaming from my eyes down my cheeks (yes, drama..) out of pure misery that needed to be poured out in words!

Sigh~, Tweetie never change, does she? She's like a child so easily pacified, isn't she? wahahahhaha!!! I find myself sooooo adorable, wahahhahaa!!!! Maybe its also because I've gulped down my 2 mouthfuls of Chivas... hmm... I'm really cheered up! Geez, can't believe it. I'm really really so tickled. *giggle giggle giggle!*

Hmmm.....So..., should I still carry on this post? It was supposed to be another one of those sob-sob post accompanied by the soulful heart-wrenching Er-Hu music as I drown in self pity and whine like a victim. DUH.

Another time, maybe.

Somehow, I've snapped out of the moment. *guffaws~*

I definitely have lots of thoughts regarding what happened.

In fact, I laid awake in bed this morning just thinking of all the plots to seize back the S$700 camera gift I bought him. I struggled with the moral of taking back what you gave someone willingly and struggled with forgiving him and letting it go, taking it as a lesson - As a friend put it, it's quite cheap to learn it by paying less than S$1K. I also chided myself non-stop on how I could be so generous or kind or weak or plain stupid when I don't even spend such a formidable sum on myself, and who am I to call myself a Victim? I'm a self-made Victim! Yes, stabbing myself till I bleed to death.... Yet, I feel confused. Were there truth in what he said? What if I wronged him? What if I misunderstood him? NO, can't be. And I have no respect for a man like that. He pocketed the money and dare to tell me "honey you're sooo sweeeeeeeeeeeet... no one has ever been so good to me, not even my ex-gf!". I am so fucking stupid!!!! ARRRgggghhhh~!!! Even paid for his petrol!! Even top up his cash card!! Loser!!!! I deserved to be hung by my chest hair!!! (oh, I dont have chest hair, though.) OK, how about nipples. Hung by my nipples. (ouch!)

*deep sigh* ...

I feel absolutely, absolutely, lousy and miserable to the core.....

(=_=) .......

(-_-) .....

(~.~) ...

(^.^) ... Hmm... yes! Happy thoughts!! Positive thoughts! Uplifting thoughts!


Well, OK. I screwed up again (so soon).
But -- I am thankful, very very thankful, to have my close and beautiful friends near - who are encouraging and comforting and assuring and understanding....

Thank you Twinkle Star (my bestest friend), Hybridfighter (my cool & stylo new pal, what a privilege!), GoodDay (ok he doesn't know about this blog, but he's a supportive friend - KT, the one who told me that I actually aint' so sweet and caring as he thought, haha!! - But I think he's wrong, I can be absolutely sweet and caring, just not for anybody, -- especially not for guys whom I do not desire and whom I would never want to send wrong signals towards!!),

Sigh, but really, my final most miserable thoughts before jumping up from my desk earlier on to pour myself some whiskey and planning to cry tears of river while blogging was :
That thus far, I can't remember a man I've dated/met who have given to me, intead, only those who have taken from me or robbed me of what's precious! Sigh..... How I wish for a (desirable) man who would shower me with blessings.... and let me experience the wonderful bliss of being cherished and loved and protected and provided for. To feel like the "little woman", just melt and fall into the safety of his loving and assuring arms. . . . . sobsob.. I know this is just a fantasy, not realistic. Yet I am also not looking for a man to totally depend on, or make a slave of, make a victim out of, or to control, to possess. I just long for a special someone to share my life with, to belong with... and of course ... to have sweet (and exciting) intimacy with, heh heh.. :P

And yes, the words of my dear friend continues to echo in my ears (and replay before my eyes) : "Don't give up on yourself, Viv"!!

Yes, I will not give up on me.
I MUST NOT GIVE UP ON ME!

Keep breathing... keep breathing...
Keep living one minute to another, one hour to another ... one day to another...
And I will move on.

There are many other things in my life to celebrate about!
I've just been up the Singapore Flyer, I've had high tea on Sunday with buddies, I've bought a nice cheap dress that made me look wonderful!, I've cute nephews that adored me, I've got fantastic colleagues and pals from work (Princess Carol & Michelle, and even Jessica today who caught me crying and came into my office to asked me if I'm ok.. I'm so touched. *sniff-sniff*), and I've still got at least 30 years to live (if I live responsibly and take some extra care, heh heh..)

I am absolutely a treasure, a precious jewel, worthy and deserving of a wonderful man!
I'm growing and learning from all of these nasty experiences, yes, I must not be the one who stab myself to death. I must be the kindest and most loving toward myself. I must encourage myself. I must be my own cheerleader, I must forgive me for the mistakes and stupidity and foolishness and failures. It takes courage to be who I am. I should be proud that I've not gone mental (uh, am I qualified to say that I'm not mad ah? hahahaha..) and I'm still the same wonderful person who wears her heart out on her sleeve!!!!!

Sigh...
May my prince come soon... Prince O Prince of Tweetie, where art thou?
(Grrrrr~ better not take too long or else I'll give you a big tight slap followed by shrieking "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???!!! HUH!!! HUH!!!?? *piak-piak!!*)

LOL~.. darling, come lah, Tweetie wont hurt you. Tweetie sayang you already can't wait. hahahahaha.... drunk liao.

And now, more Chivas for the cup please.

(and, still got work to do aiyoyo..., and tomorrow morning got job interview to go!!!!!!! Wish me all the best!!!)

Oh yes, I forgot to mention ....
At 2pm (about 35mins after the "fight" with my boss), I finally took a break from crying and got out of my office looking like goldfish eyes and went toilet. Then I went to the pantry and made some Korean noodles to eat for lunch. Boss came in and drooled into my noodles! heh heh, no lah... but he also had not have lunch. I offered to help him cook - seeing that he wanted to make Korean noodles too, upon drooling over mine, but then he changed his mind and went to get lunch from the kopitiam. About 4pm+ he came into my office. Paused. Looked at the pictues on my pinboard. Then said, "Bye.. I'm leaving." So I said, OMG you got retrenched too?! hehehehhehe...~.~. He gave me a dirt cheap look, and said No, need to go off early. (duh, I'm just pulling his leg).

Anyway, he paused, and then mumbled.. "Mmmm.. looks like we'll become buddies after all...." (well, Boss always draws a line between business and personal. He ever said, only when we're not in a professional working relationship, can we be "friends". Otherwise, no crossing the line. That's a challenge for me, because I don't draw lines with people. And sometimes, I get his stinking fart in my face because I failed to observe protocol with him. He's the boss, you don't talk back to him. I do. Because I speak before I think.). Anyway, he continued to mumbled... "So that means I could take you to the movies next time". Hehehe, so I responded with a "Yayyyyyyyyyy~!!!! Can't wait!!!! Yipppy~!!!!" and he left looking amused. hahahahahaa!!!

Nah, its not what you think. There's no romance brewing. I've ever enthusiastically told him we could be movie buddies - and he's alone without family in Singapore he can always accept my family's invitation to join us for Chinese New Year dinners etc as a family friend etc. However, he had lots of reservations and said it would not be right because we're Boss & Slave, and its not right and need to draw the line. I'm just proving the point that, we fight, but no hard feelings. I just am glad that I've had a fine boss like him too. I'm a blessed little tweetie. I'm surrounded by nice folks and wonderful friends.

Perhaps, time for me to focus more on being a blessing to another, instead of focusing on my own needs and problems.

OK, better get back to work!!! ^__^