Never thought I'd get my heart all confused and broken so fast.
Never thought I'd cry so much over all these and feel such pain.
But such is life.
You can't have everything you desire, you can't have everything work the way you want it to. You can't have every man you love!
But I am very grateful for the friends that I have.
Friends who know me so well, they are able to detect the slightest naunces that something is wrong with me, who care enough to make sure and confirm that I'm alright, who upon confirming that something is wrong came crashing through the door to rescue me from where I am hiding. Thank you, I don't know what I'll do without you.
Twinkle,
Thank you for being so protective over me always...
Thank you for your listening ears...
Thank you for always giving me the time and space to speak my mind..
Thank you for making me laugh so hard till I cry tears of joy... (yeah, by nature, you're not a funny woman)..
Thank you for always carrying me despite you having a broken limb yourself...
Thank you for being strong for me...
Thank you for bearing with my stubborness and foolishness...
Cupcake,
Thank you for letting me feel assured that I've not been deserted or abandoned...
Thank you for not letting me cry alone...
Thank you for being the sweetest...
Thank you for your most unique way of cheering me up by being you..
Thank you for watching and hearing with your heart...
Thank you for making me feel accepted and special..
I will count my blessings.
I will count my friends, those whom I know truly cares for me. Though I know, there are also those friends I should count, who cares for me from afar, or from the shadows.. (bwahahaha that sounds funny, but its true! Sometimes people do care for us deeply, but we're just not aware because they have not made it tangible).
I am special because of my friends. Thank you, and I love you! :)
And it's also time for me to check up on some of my friends to see how they are doing. Sometimes we mean so much more to our friends than we realise. You'll never know that your note or call can make their day!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
26/06 . Going Dutch again! False alarm...
OK. Got news today confirming that meeting will be on 4th-6th July, this time at the Amsterdam city itself. Sounds like it will be a get-to-know-everybody and here's-your-share-of-the-work for the International team following the merger of 3 businesses.
I'm booked to depart Sunday 2nd July night, and arriving on the 3rd. Will have a whole day to myself upon arrival. All flights back to Singapore are currently fully booked, and I'm at the moment confirmed on a flight departing Amsterdam on Sunday the 9th's morning!!!!!! If I can't get on the Saturday flight (on waiting list), that means I'll be stuck there for 2 whole days alone. Is it good or is it bad?
I'm never too adventurous on my own..... the thought of being on a trip alone made me feel a little miserable. I remember how lonesome I felt during my last trip, but that was also because I was going through some heartbreak. I'm not so independent, but yes, I can be quite brave at times, heheehheheheee... and I can be brave for someone if he/she is more timid than I am. Ok, what was I trying to say? ARggh...
YAY!!! I'll get to watch 13hrs of movies non-stop again. During the last trip I think I stayed awake most time, especially the flight to Amersterdam. I love watching movies!!!!! And its really great to be travelling on SQ. I was drinking endless cups of Bailey's on the rock and orange juices, hehehe. On the flight back to Singapore I was more tired because its was time of the month. ARGH, for this trip its gonna hit the time of the month again, what a drag!!!!!
Have I mentioned before... that on the return flight to Singapore from Amsterdam, a Filipino man sat beside me??? - oh dear can't remember his name now.., I'll call him Dino for now. Dino works on a ship as 2nd mate (what's that?????) and the ship had docked and he's off back to home for a break before the next voyage. I still recall, when I walked towards the seat his face brightened upon seeing me and was very friendly. We exchanged names and he was chatting and asking questions. Of course I don't think much of it. All Filipinos I've met in my life are warm and friendly people. 1 hour later the plane still did not take off.. it was announced that there's engine fault and we have to unboard the plane and wait at the holding area for 2 hours minimum because the part needs to be ordered and be delivered. If it can't be fixed within 2 hrs, we gotta be booked at the airport hotel for the night if there's enough rooms, or booked on other flights back to destination. I was really nervous because I'm alone (and thrilled, haahaa... never experience before!!).
When we unboard, Dino followed me around and I was not very comfortable with it, not that he's not nice, just that I prefer to have my ...er... personal space. I don't enjoy too much small talk with strangers, and he wasn't exactly interesting company. I was bored with him within 20 mins. But he was nice and caring, too much. I was glad to have evaded him at the holding area - I head straight for the washroom and managed to throw him off my track. Took my time in there and finally came out, found a single seat on the back row and parked myself there. But within 20mins I was found by him. Took me some effort to persuade him to go get a seat instead of standing right behind me. I swear he was almost leaning on me. I was starting to wish the flight won't be fixed and we can be booked on different flights home. hehe.. OK Viv, don't be like that. Be nice. :P
Thankfully within 2 hours the good news came. We re-boarded the plane and this time a lady who quarrelled with the passenger next to her asked for a change of seat and was led to sit at our row, right on the empty seat between me and Dino. I welcome that totally, but within minutes began to regret, ahahaha.. she talks loudly and was complaining about the passenger she quarrelled with, puts on the earphones, put the music to full volume (you could hear the sound spilling out from the phones clearly) and started singing aloud, oblivious of the noise pollution she's making. OMG!!! It's totally out of tune, and I could hear her even with my earphones on. ARGGGGHHHHHH I wanna watch my movie in peace!!!!! And when she's not singing, she's snoring. HAHAHAHHAA I can't believe my luck.
It doesn't help that later on , Dino discovered that his seat's screen is faulty and he can't watch any movies. Interrupted me at least 10 times, and I tried my best to help instruct him and to help get him to navigate to the movies etc etc. Finally its proven that his unit is not working. Guess what??? He changed seat with the lady. OH NO. Now he's sitting beside me. Should I mention that he started touching me? But at first I thought he's just being friendly by patting my arm - I asked him what's that for and he said it'll help me fall asleep. So I thought its probably a filipino thing, or something you do for sisters. I said it's OK nice of you but I don't need that - he carried on for a little while, then stop.
Anyway, I dozed off and woke up when I think I felt him touching me. My face was towards him and I got quite startled that he was staring with his face too close. Upon seeing that i woke up, he "lovingly" touched my hair/fringe - GOSH! I turn away immediately!!!!!! Errrrm...hey, that don't seem to feel right. OMG... Cannot be happening. Anyway, I stop sleeping and focus on watching movies or whatever I can watch again, better stay awake. Yeah, if this happens to my friend I would have screamed at her that she should have buzzed the stewardess ask for a change of seat and slap the guy before moving off. But yet when it happen to me... I just kept silent and don't know what to do. It's kind of confusing.
Finally the flight's gonna arrive in SGP within an hour. After breakfast was served, and the earpieces taken back by the stewardness (which means I can't avoid him by watching movies....), Dino began asking personal questions about where I stay, where I work, what's my contact number persistently. I am so NOT telling him!!!!! I'm so annoyed at him!!!! The more he persist and insist the more I resist. hehee.. Anyway, he suddenly said "Vivian, MARRY ME".. and he said it was love at first sight. I was stunned. But I said, "Are you sure???? but you don't even know me!!". Thence followed the "oh but you are pretty nice helpful sweet beautiful sexy nice lips" - my god!!! HOW SHALLOW!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... So I smiled and tell him "thanks, I'm really flattered, but no, you're not my type." And I can't believe this is happening. Unbelievable. A guy proposing to me??? Love at first sight????? hahahahaa...
Anyway, he continued to try to convince me how much he wants to marry me and bring me home, and swear that he will love me forever and never love another woman now that he had met me... he will think of me every moment of the day and in everything that he does. He's gonna come to Singapore and search for me. I so totally wanna roll my eyes. Yeah, rite. I bet right now he totally cannot remember me nor how I look. Bwahahahahahaa...
It's funny how I used to think that it'll be so romantic to be on a flight or on a holiday in a foreign land and met a guy who falls in love with you LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT??? It has happen, but *LOUD SIGH*...I totally don't find it romantic. hehehehee....
OK, how did I get to tell such a long story???? Oh yeah..! Was just gonna say I'm going Amsterdam again next week.
Hmmmm..... perhaps this time I'm the one professing love to the guy next to me. Muahahahahahaha!!!! We'll see!
===========================================
GUESS WHAT????!!!!???? Arrrrrgh~ False Alarm!!!
I've just been informed minutes ago by another email the meeting is postponed. Looks like it may be in August after everyone in Europe is back from Summer holidays! hehehehe....
OK, that'll gimme some time to save up for the trip. :D
I'm booked to depart Sunday 2nd July night, and arriving on the 3rd. Will have a whole day to myself upon arrival. All flights back to Singapore are currently fully booked, and I'm at the moment confirmed on a flight departing Amsterdam on Sunday the 9th's morning!!!!!! If I can't get on the Saturday flight (on waiting list), that means I'll be stuck there for 2 whole days alone. Is it good or is it bad?
I'm never too adventurous on my own..... the thought of being on a trip alone made me feel a little miserable. I remember how lonesome I felt during my last trip, but that was also because I was going through some heartbreak. I'm not so independent, but yes, I can be quite brave at times, heheehheheheee... and I can be brave for someone if he/she is more timid than I am. Ok, what was I trying to say? ARggh...
YAY!!! I'll get to watch 13hrs of movies non-stop again. During the last trip I think I stayed awake most time, especially the flight to Amersterdam. I love watching movies!!!!! And its really great to be travelling on SQ. I was drinking endless cups of Bailey's on the rock and orange juices, hehehe. On the flight back to Singapore I was more tired because its was time of the month. ARGH, for this trip its gonna hit the time of the month again, what a drag!!!!!
Have I mentioned before... that on the return flight to Singapore from Amsterdam, a Filipino man sat beside me??? - oh dear can't remember his name now.., I'll call him Dino for now. Dino works on a ship as 2nd mate (what's that?????) and the ship had docked and he's off back to home for a break before the next voyage. I still recall, when I walked towards the seat his face brightened upon seeing me and was very friendly. We exchanged names and he was chatting and asking questions. Of course I don't think much of it. All Filipinos I've met in my life are warm and friendly people. 1 hour later the plane still did not take off.. it was announced that there's engine fault and we have to unboard the plane and wait at the holding area for 2 hours minimum because the part needs to be ordered and be delivered. If it can't be fixed within 2 hrs, we gotta be booked at the airport hotel for the night if there's enough rooms, or booked on other flights back to destination. I was really nervous because I'm alone (and thrilled, haahaa... never experience before!!).
When we unboard, Dino followed me around and I was not very comfortable with it, not that he's not nice, just that I prefer to have my ...er... personal space. I don't enjoy too much small talk with strangers, and he wasn't exactly interesting company. I was bored with him within 20 mins. But he was nice and caring, too much. I was glad to have evaded him at the holding area - I head straight for the washroom and managed to throw him off my track. Took my time in there and finally came out, found a single seat on the back row and parked myself there. But within 20mins I was found by him. Took me some effort to persuade him to go get a seat instead of standing right behind me. I swear he was almost leaning on me. I was starting to wish the flight won't be fixed and we can be booked on different flights home. hehe.. OK Viv, don't be like that. Be nice. :P
Thankfully within 2 hours the good news came. We re-boarded the plane and this time a lady who quarrelled with the passenger next to her asked for a change of seat and was led to sit at our row, right on the empty seat between me and Dino. I welcome that totally, but within minutes began to regret, ahahaha.. she talks loudly and was complaining about the passenger she quarrelled with, puts on the earphones, put the music to full volume (you could hear the sound spilling out from the phones clearly) and started singing aloud, oblivious of the noise pollution she's making. OMG!!! It's totally out of tune, and I could hear her even with my earphones on. ARGGGGHHHHHH I wanna watch my movie in peace!!!!! And when she's not singing, she's snoring. HAHAHAHHAA I can't believe my luck.
It doesn't help that later on , Dino discovered that his seat's screen is faulty and he can't watch any movies. Interrupted me at least 10 times, and I tried my best to help instruct him and to help get him to navigate to the movies etc etc. Finally its proven that his unit is not working. Guess what??? He changed seat with the lady. OH NO. Now he's sitting beside me. Should I mention that he started touching me? But at first I thought he's just being friendly by patting my arm - I asked him what's that for and he said it'll help me fall asleep. So I thought its probably a filipino thing, or something you do for sisters. I said it's OK nice of you but I don't need that - he carried on for a little while, then stop.
Anyway, I dozed off and woke up when I think I felt him touching me. My face was towards him and I got quite startled that he was staring with his face too close. Upon seeing that i woke up, he "lovingly" touched my hair/fringe - GOSH! I turn away immediately!!!!!! Errrrm...hey, that don't seem to feel right. OMG... Cannot be happening. Anyway, I stop sleeping and focus on watching movies or whatever I can watch again, better stay awake. Yeah, if this happens to my friend I would have screamed at her that she should have buzzed the stewardess ask for a change of seat and slap the guy before moving off. But yet when it happen to me... I just kept silent and don't know what to do. It's kind of confusing.
Finally the flight's gonna arrive in SGP within an hour. After breakfast was served, and the earpieces taken back by the stewardness (which means I can't avoid him by watching movies....), Dino began asking personal questions about where I stay, where I work, what's my contact number persistently. I am so NOT telling him!!!!! I'm so annoyed at him!!!! The more he persist and insist the more I resist. hehee.. Anyway, he suddenly said "Vivian, MARRY ME".. and he said it was love at first sight. I was stunned. But I said, "Are you sure???? but you don't even know me!!". Thence followed the "oh but you are pretty nice helpful sweet beautiful sexy nice lips" - my god!!! HOW SHALLOW!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... So I smiled and tell him "thanks, I'm really flattered, but no, you're not my type." And I can't believe this is happening. Unbelievable. A guy proposing to me??? Love at first sight????? hahahahaa...
Anyway, he continued to try to convince me how much he wants to marry me and bring me home, and swear that he will love me forever and never love another woman now that he had met me... he will think of me every moment of the day and in everything that he does. He's gonna come to Singapore and search for me. I so totally wanna roll my eyes. Yeah, rite. I bet right now he totally cannot remember me nor how I look. Bwahahahahahaa...
It's funny how I used to think that it'll be so romantic to be on a flight or on a holiday in a foreign land and met a guy who falls in love with you LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT??? It has happen, but *LOUD SIGH*...I totally don't find it romantic. hehehehee....
OK, how did I get to tell such a long story???? Oh yeah..! Was just gonna say I'm going Amsterdam again next week.
Hmmmm..... perhaps this time I'm the one professing love to the guy next to me. Muahahahahahaha!!!! We'll see!
===========================================
GUESS WHAT????!!!!???? Arrrrrgh~ False Alarm!!!
I've just been informed minutes ago by another email the meeting is postponed. Looks like it may be in August after everyone in Europe is back from Summer holidays! hehehehe....
OK, that'll gimme some time to save up for the trip. :D
Friday, June 23, 2006
23/06 . Still a Type 4. Oh well~
Took the 9 Types test again, because I was telling a friend about it. The last time I took it was perhaps early this year... yep, still emerge as a Type Four. hahaa.. How come I'm not surprised anymore?
OK the results :
__________________________________________________
type _ score _ type behavior motivation
4 _____ 48 ___ I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
2 _____ 43 ___ I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
7 _____ 40 ___ I must be high and entertained to be happy.
3 _____ 38 ___ I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
9 ______ 33 ___ I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
1 ______ 25 ___ I must be perfect and good to be happy.
5 ______ 25 ___ I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
6 ______ 19 ___ I must be secure and safe to be happy.
8 _______ 8 ___ I must be strong and in control to be happy.
______________________________________________________
However it is interesting to note that Type 9 traits have gone further down, and Type 3 is now in the top 4. Am I feeling insecure about myself? I supposed so. I've been a wreck lately, especially in my self confidence. Oh well.
I missed being a Type 9. The Couch potato and little lamb.
OK the results :
__________________________________________________
Main Type | Overall Self |
 |  |
Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is self preservation |
type _ score _ type behavior motivation
4 _____ 48 ___ I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
2 _____ 43 ___ I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
7 _____ 40 ___ I must be high and entertained to be happy.
3 _____ 38 ___ I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
9 ______ 33 ___ I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
1 ______ 25 ___ I must be perfect and good to be happy.
5 ______ 25 ___ I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
6 ______ 19 ___ I must be secure and safe to be happy.
8 _______ 8 ___ I must be strong and in control to be happy.
______________________________________________________
However it is interesting to note that Type 9 traits have gone further down, and Type 3 is now in the top 4. Am I feeling insecure about myself? I supposed so. I've been a wreck lately, especially in my self confidence. Oh well.
I missed being a Type 9. The Couch potato and little lamb.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
22/06 . EXOTICA!!! Yum Yum!
YeeeeeeeHHaaaaaAAAArrrrrHHH~!!!!!
Went to an EXOTICA show Tuesday night (20 June), at Clarke Quay, Gotham Penthouse.
First learnt about it when I got an email about a month ago from the school (The Body Talks) where I took a 3-lesson Bachata Dancing class. Hehehe.. thought it was interesting and forwarded to a few of my galpals! I am afraid to go alone, yet would love to gain some interesting new experience for the year, do something I’ve not done before!!! Geee, none of them were interested. Finally, just about 2 weeks ago, one of them (probably never read her emails for a long time) suddenly came back with an enthusiastic respond! DONE!!! Got the tickets and last night was the night!!
After work, I went straight home, had dinner and rested a little, watching TV. About 8.30pm I got myself ready and dressed up.. hehe...wore a simple black tanktop with carpio jeans and heels, grab mum's car and I'm on my way!!!!! I thought the poster said it starts at 10pm. So by 9.45pm I was already there to collect the tickets (S$18) and went in alone….. feeling rather nervous all by myself. Hey at the lobby there's another poster - it seems that the show is here for a period of time and tickets are abt S$20, and on Wednesday its S$10 for ladies nite!!! WTF?? I could have gone on Wed instead. And Hey... someone told me he'll do it for me - private show for S$10, hehehehe *slurp~!!!* Bring it on, baby, bring it on!! Entering in, I was greeted by nice groovy music, and woah.. the place was already filled with beautiful sassy sexy hot women, and they look so gorgeous!!! oh my! Look at them! *drrrrooooooo…l* I want that body!!!! Hahaa.. There's even a lady wearing a white veil on her head, having a party with her friends. She's getting married the next day!!!
Walked around the place just to survey and check it out… Hmmmm… it has some nice private corners, perfect for making out after getting drunk, LOL!!! Friend sms to say she’ll be late – oh dear, I’m gonna be here alone for a while! Then, I suddenly caught sight of EDDIE!!!! Woohoooo~! So glad to see a familiar face at the bar! Eddie used to be the bartender at … erm… oh.. can’t remember the name of that pub at the basement of Phoenix Hotel.. uhhggggh… nevermind. He’s a friend of a friend who used to bring me there for drinks and nice music, especially because I love live music, heh! So we chatted on for a little while, found out he’s gonna be a PR in Australia soon, applied so waiting for approval. I’ve not seen him for more than a year! Finally the music got so loud we can’t hear each other…. And not nice for me to lean so much forward, he’ll be looking down my …erm… valleys. Hahahaha~!! OOPS! Hope he didn’t see the raisins, nahhhh too dark, too tiny. Bwahahahaha..!! Anyway, the ladies who just arrived began to squeeeeze me out of the bar, and most of them were spitting clouds that always seem to engulf me. ARGH. Finally, I went to one sorry corner to stand. *pout & whine*
By 10.30pm, still the show hadn’t started, and i'm getting bored. Haha but in the end I have some fun anyway, exchanging sms with my pal, always making me laugh and smile with the witty lines. Finally my friend and her sis arrived, and we exchanged the ticket butt for drinks. I had whiskey coke, yum yum~ and 5 mins later, the show begun!!!! *SCREAM LADIES SCREEEEEEAM!!!!!!*
Oh my!!!! 4 sexy hunks in army pants and netted shirts revealing their ripping muscles came on stage and making hot hot hot hot moves! Hehehe… so exciting and fun, haaha…and we made wolf cries, screams and whooping noises, while laughing away. The show gets hotter as the guys made some solo performances that aim to please the ladies.. we have a guy in cowboy wear - he's the hottest of them all, and he danced to the song "Cotten-Eyed Joe" - one of my favorite country western song! Oh my~ .. the final "dance" was by a hunk dressed in business wear doing smooth classy sexy moves like James Bond…taking off the belt and do whipping moves and put it between his legs pulling it back and forth, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I’m BLUSHING!!!!!! For the whole time I was covering my face and squealing at the top of my lungs, giggling and saying OMG OMG OMG…. I had such tremendous fun!!! It was so thrilling, exhilarating, hahaah… It’s great to be teased like that. OMG!! But awwwwwwwwwww……. I missed out on a few critical sights, because I went squatting down and squealing while covering my face feeling so shy to see what’s going on!!! HEHE.. The hunk wore a nice black leather brief and he pulled the sides up, back facing us, revealing the firm bouncy butt cheeks, then he clenched them several times (woohooooo! Haha!! Yeeeeeharrrrrrr!!), do quick thrusting movements *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!* then with a naughty look ..... Ooooops!!! he pulled the black little sexy brief down!!!!!!! OMG OMG O M G!!!!! Yeah, yeah yeah of course there’s a g-string he was wearing underneath but I have already gone hot RED in my face and didn’t see a thing becoz I went weak in my knees was squatting down and squealing. DAMN~!!! Oh... my poor heart.. more more more!!!!
It was really tremendous fun we had at EXOTICA, too bad the performance lasts only about 20 mins. I screamed so much and laughed so much, and even threw my bra on stage!!!!! *guilty look* (…..ok didn’t, hahahaa.. but I might next time. Kekekekeke, I'll just bring an extra bra in my bag for the throwing, umm.. maybe mum's bra, haha~). When the show ended, we left and I gave my friends a lift home. Haha, for a straight 20mins after the show my face was still flushed and couldn’t stop smiling, my friends as well. We’re all so hyped up by it, you can see our eyes sparkle and looking so rejuvenated, exhilerated and delirious. It’s wonderful to be teased by a guy, really!! YUM yum!!!!
Hmmmm.....I think they're still gonna be in town for a few more days… maybe I’ll go again. Now where’s my diary…..
Went to an EXOTICA show Tuesday night (20 June), at Clarke Quay, Gotham Penthouse.
First learnt about it when I got an email about a month ago from the school (The Body Talks) where I took a 3-lesson Bachata Dancing class. Hehehe.. thought it was interesting and forwarded to a few of my galpals! I am afraid to go alone, yet would love to gain some interesting new experience for the year, do something I’ve not done before!!! Geee, none of them were interested. Finally, just about 2 weeks ago, one of them (probably never read her emails for a long time) suddenly came back with an enthusiastic respond! DONE!!! Got the tickets and last night was the night!!
After work, I went straight home, had dinner and rested a little, watching TV. About 8.30pm I got myself ready and dressed up.. hehe...wore a simple black tanktop with carpio jeans and heels, grab mum's car and I'm on my way!!!!! I thought the poster said it starts at 10pm. So by 9.45pm I was already there to collect the tickets (S$18) and went in alone….. feeling rather nervous all by myself. Hey at the lobby there's another poster - it seems that the show is here for a period of time and tickets are abt S$20, and on Wednesday its S$10 for ladies nite!!! WTF?? I could have gone on Wed instead. And Hey... someone told me he'll do it for me - private show for S$10, hehehehe *slurp~!!!* Bring it on, baby, bring it on!! Entering in, I was greeted by nice groovy music, and woah.. the place was already filled with beautiful sassy sexy hot women, and they look so gorgeous!!! oh my! Look at them! *drrrrooooooo…l* I want that body!!!! Hahaa.. There's even a lady wearing a white veil on her head, having a party with her friends. She's getting married the next day!!!
Walked around the place just to survey and check it out… Hmmmm… it has some nice private corners, perfect for making out after getting drunk, LOL!!! Friend sms to say she’ll be late – oh dear, I’m gonna be here alone for a while! Then, I suddenly caught sight of EDDIE!!!! Woohoooo~! So glad to see a familiar face at the bar! Eddie used to be the bartender at … erm… oh.. can’t remember the name of that pub at the basement of Phoenix Hotel.. uhhggggh… nevermind. He’s a friend of a friend who used to bring me there for drinks and nice music, especially because I love live music, heh! So we chatted on for a little while, found out he’s gonna be a PR in Australia soon, applied so waiting for approval. I’ve not seen him for more than a year! Finally the music got so loud we can’t hear each other…. And not nice for me to lean so much forward, he’ll be looking down my …erm… valleys. Hahahaha~!! OOPS! Hope he didn’t see the raisins, nahhhh too dark, too tiny. Bwahahahaha..!! Anyway, the ladies who just arrived began to squeeeeze me out of the bar, and most of them were spitting clouds that always seem to engulf me. ARGH. Finally, I went to one sorry corner to stand. *pout & whine*
By 10.30pm, still the show hadn’t started, and i'm getting bored. Haha but in the end I have some fun anyway, exchanging sms with my pal, always making me laugh and smile with the witty lines. Finally my friend and her sis arrived, and we exchanged the ticket butt for drinks. I had whiskey coke, yum yum~ and 5 mins later, the show begun!!!! *SCREAM LADIES SCREEEEEEAM!!!!!!*
Oh my!!!! 4 sexy hunks in army pants and netted shirts revealing their ripping muscles came on stage and making hot hot hot hot moves! Hehehe… so exciting and fun, haaha…and we made wolf cries, screams and whooping noises, while laughing away. The show gets hotter as the guys made some solo performances that aim to please the ladies.. we have a guy in cowboy wear - he's the hottest of them all, and he danced to the song "Cotten-Eyed Joe" - one of my favorite country western song! Oh my~ .. the final "dance" was by a hunk dressed in business wear doing smooth classy sexy moves like James Bond…taking off the belt and do whipping moves and put it between his legs pulling it back and forth, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I’m BLUSHING!!!!!! For the whole time I was covering my face and squealing at the top of my lungs, giggling and saying OMG OMG OMG…. I had such tremendous fun!!! It was so thrilling, exhilarating, hahaah… It’s great to be teased like that. OMG!! But awwwwwwwwwww……. I missed out on a few critical sights, because I went squatting down and squealing while covering my face feeling so shy to see what’s going on!!! HEHE.. The hunk wore a nice black leather brief and he pulled the sides up, back facing us, revealing the firm bouncy butt cheeks, then he clenched them several times (woohooooo! Haha!! Yeeeeeharrrrrrr!!), do quick thrusting movements *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!* then with a naughty look ..... Ooooops!!! he pulled the black little sexy brief down!!!!!!! OMG OMG O M G!!!!! Yeah, yeah yeah of course there’s a g-string he was wearing underneath but I have already gone hot RED in my face and didn’t see a thing becoz I went weak in my knees was squatting down and squealing. DAMN~!!! Oh... my poor heart.. more more more!!!!
It was really tremendous fun we had at EXOTICA, too bad the performance lasts only about 20 mins. I screamed so much and laughed so much, and even threw my bra on stage!!!!! *guilty look* (…..ok didn’t, hahahaa.. but I might next time. Kekekekeke, I'll just bring an extra bra in my bag for the throwing, umm.. maybe mum's bra, haha~). When the show ended, we left and I gave my friends a lift home. Haha, for a straight 20mins after the show my face was still flushed and couldn’t stop smiling, my friends as well. We’re all so hyped up by it, you can see our eyes sparkle and looking so rejuvenated, exhilerated and delirious. It’s wonderful to be teased by a guy, really!! YUM yum!!!!
Hmmmm.....I think they're still gonna be in town for a few more days… maybe I’ll go again. Now where’s my diary…..
22/06 . Debt Free at last!!
At last!!!! AT LAST AT LAST AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally I paid mum the final FINAL installment of S$2000 yesteday upon getting my June salary, and brought my years of debt to an end! My debt level was at a high of S$45K at one point and I've been using more than 80% of my monthly salaries just paying debts alone (to 12 different bank credit accounts) for the past 8-9 years!!! Mum found out early last year and loan me S$30K to pay the banks off a large part of the debt, and after paying off the remaining of the debts, only the S$30k debt to mum remained. Hence I've been paying her S$2K monthly for the 15 months ... and FINALLY! YES!!!! I have finally repay in full to mum the outstandng amount of money!!!!!
Ohhhh... but not sure why... I still don't feel anything yet.. the emotions... - I should be really dancing and leaping with joy but I don't seem to feel anything!! I think it'll come later, the joy, the freedom of being debt-free will surely come later!
Today is so significant.
It's a day that I've been awaiting for ...
A dream that have finally come true.
Gosh, it has been almost 1o years.... It had seemed so impossible and I've been always praying for a miracle... there were such moments of quiet desparations and hopelessness and deep fear, which I have to keep secret from my love ones, especially my parents, where I weep in the wee hours of the night crying out for a miracle. I was so tired of the burden, so tired of juggling the debts and balances and expenses...
Today, it has finally came to pass.. Finally, the money I earn will no longer be someone else's or the creditor's money, it belong to me totally to do whatever I fancy, (net spendable income after deduction of all monthly utilities and payments of course!)
WOW~ Still can't believe it.....
Ok, there's still S$2000 that belongs to dad which I drew from the joint account (of me and dad) to meet some expenses due to the purchase of some services and stuff. But that money is actually for me, says dad, just in case anything happens to him and he's gone so he would have at least left me something.... (Sob, so touched). However, I have not inherited it yet, so I feel I don't wanna abuse it eventhough I know I have the permission to use it anytime. Nah, I don't think I want to start the bad habit of "borrowing", I should learn my lessons - yes painful ones - not to spend nor loan money to others beyond my means. Sigh...
There's also still the debts under my name (my accounts) of about S$1400 payable by OA, and S$11,000 payable by LY. OA's portion of debt would probably be closed by Feb-07... but LY's... Sigh... another few years at least! She's only paying S$400 per month into the account which still accumulate interests. Yet there's no way she could get more money or transfer the amounts to a credit account in her name because no banks are giving her any approvals due to her income level. If she decides to disappear and default payments, everything will be liable by me. I'll really be fucking screwed. As for OA, they're paying S$200 each month, and have promised to do it till they fulfilled the entire payment. Just another 7 months to go... I guess I can only take their words for it and hope they won't screw me too.
OK, but let me just focus on the JOY OF Being DEBT FREE again!!!!! YAY!!!!!
My heart still feels kind of heavy and apprehensive, and I'm still not sure of my financial outlook. But at least from now, I'll probably start to be able to have some savings... eventually, to be able to give my parents some cash, and reward myself once in a while with nice things in life. Hee..
However, I have agreed to take over Georgie's car for a period of time to help relieve the burden on car related expenses (he has a 2nd baby coming! need to budget!!!), and that would mean a hefty sum going into payment of the car and the running costs for me. Yet in a way, its a win-win situation... I get to fulfill another dream of having my own car! Wow, and that is also a dream since 1994 after I got my driver's licence. Anyway, hope I'll still have enough change to spare after paying for all these plus usual montly bills. Would really love to be able to go for a holiday... and not only that - to have $$$$$ to spend during the holiday too!!!
Right now, I'm just glad. Truly truly glad. :-)
Suddenly, I feel so emotional. Awwww... somebody gimme a hug.
Perhaps I'll celebrate next month when i get my new pay cheque!!! WOW!!!
Finally I paid mum the final FINAL installment of S$2000 yesteday upon getting my June salary, and brought my years of debt to an end! My debt level was at a high of S$45K at one point and I've been using more than 80% of my monthly salaries just paying debts alone (to 12 different bank credit accounts) for the past 8-9 years!!! Mum found out early last year and loan me S$30K to pay the banks off a large part of the debt, and after paying off the remaining of the debts, only the S$30k debt to mum remained. Hence I've been paying her S$2K monthly for the 15 months ... and FINALLY! YES!!!! I have finally repay in full to mum the outstandng amount of money!!!!!
Ohhhh... but not sure why... I still don't feel anything yet.. the emotions... - I should be really dancing and leaping with joy but I don't seem to feel anything!! I think it'll come later, the joy, the freedom of being debt-free will surely come later!
Today is so significant.
It's a day that I've been awaiting for ...
A dream that have finally come true.
Gosh, it has been almost 1o years.... It had seemed so impossible and I've been always praying for a miracle... there were such moments of quiet desparations and hopelessness and deep fear, which I have to keep secret from my love ones, especially my parents, where I weep in the wee hours of the night crying out for a miracle. I was so tired of the burden, so tired of juggling the debts and balances and expenses...
Today, it has finally came to pass.. Finally, the money I earn will no longer be someone else's or the creditor's money, it belong to me totally to do whatever I fancy, (net spendable income after deduction of all monthly utilities and payments of course!)
WOW~ Still can't believe it.....
Ok, there's still S$2000 that belongs to dad which I drew from the joint account (of me and dad) to meet some expenses due to the purchase of some services and stuff. But that money is actually for me, says dad, just in case anything happens to him and he's gone so he would have at least left me something.... (Sob, so touched). However, I have not inherited it yet, so I feel I don't wanna abuse it eventhough I know I have the permission to use it anytime. Nah, I don't think I want to start the bad habit of "borrowing", I should learn my lessons - yes painful ones - not to spend nor loan money to others beyond my means. Sigh...
There's also still the debts under my name (my accounts) of about S$1400 payable by OA, and S$11,000 payable by LY. OA's portion of debt would probably be closed by Feb-07... but LY's... Sigh... another few years at least! She's only paying S$400 per month into the account which still accumulate interests. Yet there's no way she could get more money or transfer the amounts to a credit account in her name because no banks are giving her any approvals due to her income level. If she decides to disappear and default payments, everything will be liable by me. I'll really be fucking screwed. As for OA, they're paying S$200 each month, and have promised to do it till they fulfilled the entire payment. Just another 7 months to go... I guess I can only take their words for it and hope they won't screw me too.
OK, but let me just focus on the JOY OF Being DEBT FREE again!!!!! YAY!!!!!
My heart still feels kind of heavy and apprehensive, and I'm still not sure of my financial outlook. But at least from now, I'll probably start to be able to have some savings... eventually, to be able to give my parents some cash, and reward myself once in a while with nice things in life. Hee..
However, I have agreed to take over Georgie's car for a period of time to help relieve the burden on car related expenses (he has a 2nd baby coming! need to budget!!!), and that would mean a hefty sum going into payment of the car and the running costs for me. Yet in a way, its a win-win situation... I get to fulfill another dream of having my own car! Wow, and that is also a dream since 1994 after I got my driver's licence. Anyway, hope I'll still have enough change to spare after paying for all these plus usual montly bills. Would really love to be able to go for a holiday... and not only that - to have $$$$$ to spend during the holiday too!!!
Right now, I'm just glad. Truly truly glad. :-)
Suddenly, I feel so emotional. Awwww... somebody gimme a hug.
Perhaps I'll celebrate next month when i get my new pay cheque!!! WOW!!!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
17/06 . What Can We Give?
Read this off a friend's blog. A good reminder for myself, sigh... Have been so pre-occupied with myself lately that perhaps, I might have really neglected to offer these gifts to the people in my life, or people in general :
What Can We Give?
Fifteen special gifts you can give anytime--and that don't cost a cent!
By Hal Urban
When we give our time we give our lives. It’s the foundation of these fifteen special gifts. You may not have previously thought of them as gifts, but they are. If you look upon them in this way you’ll be much more likely give them and be a blessing to others.
1. The Gift of Personal Communication
How do you feel when someone contacts you out of the blue for the sole purpose of reminding you that you’re a treasured friend? You feel the same way everyone else does—special, loved, appreciated. And you can brighten someone else’s life any day of the week. This can be done with a phone call, a handwritten note, or an e-mail, and none take more than a few minutes.
2. The Gift of Quotations
I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t appreciate a good quotation. That’s why I put so many of them in my books—they’re a gift to my readers, especially those who have expressed appreciation for them. The beauty of a good quotation is that it’s brief, to the point, full of wisdom and advice, and a boost for the spirit. Find them, collect them, and share them. It’s a simple way of giving someone a lift.
3. The Gift of a Good Recommendation
When you make a great discovery, one that in some way enriches your life, share it with others. It could be a book (like this one, I hope), a play, a movie, a restaurant, a recipe, an article, a product, a service, a TV program, or a music CD. When you make these kinds of recommendations, you’re really saying, “This brought some joy to my life. I want it to do the same for you.”
4. The Gift of a Helping Hand
All of us appreciate it when someone not only offers to help, but actually follows through. We’re all faced with tasks—some big, some small; some important, some trivial; some requiring skill, some menial. Whatever it is, it always goes better with the help of another person. Whether on the job, at home, in school, or out socially, the gift of help is always appreciated.
5. The Gift of Laughter
I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like to laugh. It’s one of the happiest and most healthy activities known to the human race. Victor Borge said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” It’s also a life enhancer and a great gift, one that can be given easily and often. Don’t let those funny jokes, stories, bloopers, signs, and one-liners fade away. Share them with others.
6. The Gift of Listening
There are many times when someone close to us wants only one thing—our full and undivided attention. Listening intently to another person, with our eyes and with our hearts, silently says, “What you have to say, and the feelings behind your words, are important. Right now this is the best gift I can give you. I value our friendship.”
7. The Gift of an Invitation
I regard all invitations, whether to a major event, a wedding, a party, a sporting event, or lunch with a friend, as special gifts. Whenever we ask someone to join us, we’re really saying, “I want you to be there. Your company is cherished. You have something good to offer.” We all want to be included, to be asked to join in, for a simple reason—sharing experiences with other people is one of the greatest joys of life.
8. The Gift of Physical Affection
How do you feel when someone gives you a hug, a warm handshake, a friendly pat on the back, a kiss on the cheek, an affectionate touch? If you’re a normal, red-blooded, breathing, living human being, you feel great. Alan Loy McGinnis, an esteemed counselor and author, advises, “Use your body to demonstrate warmth.” With the right people and in the proper setting, that’s exactly what acts of fondness do. Give this gift of affection liberally
9. The Gift of Appreciation
When someone does something thoughtful for us, regardless of its nature, it’s a gift. We can give another gift in return simply by expressing our appreciation. The great psychologist and philosopher William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” We can satisfy that craving, and give a gift, every time we express our appreciation.
10. The Gift of Good Advice
Not everyone asks for it or wants it, but there are times when good advice is the greatest gift of all. The reason is that it can change lives. Countless accomplished people throughout history have cited good advice as the key to their success. When the opportunity is there and the other person is willing to listen, never hesitate to give this precious gift.
11. The Gift of Encouragement
One of the greatest things you can do for another person is give encouragement. The word means, literally, to give courage. Sometimes it’s all a person needs to get started on something important. History is full of stories about people who achieved great things because of someone else’s encouragement.
12. The Gift of Patience
This is actually a dual gift, because patience always comes as the result of understanding. That’s what we most want from other people, especially those closest to us. We especially need their patience and understanding when we’re not at our best. They’re gifts that enrich relationships by allowing them to grow. We can give the same gift to our family members, friends, and colleagues.
13. The Gift of Empathy
Any time we can share feelings with another person, whether they’re of sorrow or joy, we give a treasured gift. When Cathy’s dad died unexpectedly in his midfifties some years ago, she experienced both shock and loss. The greatest comfort she received was from people who had also lost a parent under similar circumstances. They were able to identify with her, understand what she was going through, offer hope, and let her know they were there for her.
14. The Gift of Forgiveness
This is the ultimate win-win gift. Both the giver and the receiver get something of great value—healing. We’re all in need of it because we’ve all been hurt and offended by someone else. It makes it easier to forgive them when we remind ourselves that we’ve also caused pain in others. Forgiveness releases us from unnecessary negative emotions and allows us to move on to better things.
15. The Gift of Prayer
It was not a coincidence that I received an e-mail, a phone call, and a handwritten note about prayer while writing this chapter. Each one was from a dear friend who was not only thinking about me but praying for me. What made the gift even more special was that I hadn’t asked for the prayers. Since I look upon prayer—communication with God—as the highest activity of which a human being is capable, and because I know the sincerity of these people, their gifts became lasting treasures.
What Can We Give?
Fifteen special gifts you can give anytime--and that don't cost a cent!
By Hal Urban
When we give our time we give our lives. It’s the foundation of these fifteen special gifts. You may not have previously thought of them as gifts, but they are. If you look upon them in this way you’ll be much more likely give them and be a blessing to others.
1. The Gift of Personal Communication
How do you feel when someone contacts you out of the blue for the sole purpose of reminding you that you’re a treasured friend? You feel the same way everyone else does—special, loved, appreciated. And you can brighten someone else’s life any day of the week. This can be done with a phone call, a handwritten note, or an e-mail, and none take more than a few minutes.
2. The Gift of Quotations
I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t appreciate a good quotation. That’s why I put so many of them in my books—they’re a gift to my readers, especially those who have expressed appreciation for them. The beauty of a good quotation is that it’s brief, to the point, full of wisdom and advice, and a boost for the spirit. Find them, collect them, and share them. It’s a simple way of giving someone a lift.
3. The Gift of a Good Recommendation
When you make a great discovery, one that in some way enriches your life, share it with others. It could be a book (like this one, I hope), a play, a movie, a restaurant, a recipe, an article, a product, a service, a TV program, or a music CD. When you make these kinds of recommendations, you’re really saying, “This brought some joy to my life. I want it to do the same for you.”
4. The Gift of a Helping Hand
All of us appreciate it when someone not only offers to help, but actually follows through. We’re all faced with tasks—some big, some small; some important, some trivial; some requiring skill, some menial. Whatever it is, it always goes better with the help of another person. Whether on the job, at home, in school, or out socially, the gift of help is always appreciated.
5. The Gift of Laughter
I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like to laugh. It’s one of the happiest and most healthy activities known to the human race. Victor Borge said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” It’s also a life enhancer and a great gift, one that can be given easily and often. Don’t let those funny jokes, stories, bloopers, signs, and one-liners fade away. Share them with others.
6. The Gift of Listening
There are many times when someone close to us wants only one thing—our full and undivided attention. Listening intently to another person, with our eyes and with our hearts, silently says, “What you have to say, and the feelings behind your words, are important. Right now this is the best gift I can give you. I value our friendship.”
7. The Gift of an Invitation
I regard all invitations, whether to a major event, a wedding, a party, a sporting event, or lunch with a friend, as special gifts. Whenever we ask someone to join us, we’re really saying, “I want you to be there. Your company is cherished. You have something good to offer.” We all want to be included, to be asked to join in, for a simple reason—sharing experiences with other people is one of the greatest joys of life.
8. The Gift of Physical Affection
How do you feel when someone gives you a hug, a warm handshake, a friendly pat on the back, a kiss on the cheek, an affectionate touch? If you’re a normal, red-blooded, breathing, living human being, you feel great. Alan Loy McGinnis, an esteemed counselor and author, advises, “Use your body to demonstrate warmth.” With the right people and in the proper setting, that’s exactly what acts of fondness do. Give this gift of affection liberally
9. The Gift of Appreciation
When someone does something thoughtful for us, regardless of its nature, it’s a gift. We can give another gift in return simply by expressing our appreciation. The great psychologist and philosopher William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” We can satisfy that craving, and give a gift, every time we express our appreciation.
10. The Gift of Good Advice
Not everyone asks for it or wants it, but there are times when good advice is the greatest gift of all. The reason is that it can change lives. Countless accomplished people throughout history have cited good advice as the key to their success. When the opportunity is there and the other person is willing to listen, never hesitate to give this precious gift.
11. The Gift of Encouragement
One of the greatest things you can do for another person is give encouragement. The word means, literally, to give courage. Sometimes it’s all a person needs to get started on something important. History is full of stories about people who achieved great things because of someone else’s encouragement.
12. The Gift of Patience
This is actually a dual gift, because patience always comes as the result of understanding. That’s what we most want from other people, especially those closest to us. We especially need their patience and understanding when we’re not at our best. They’re gifts that enrich relationships by allowing them to grow. We can give the same gift to our family members, friends, and colleagues.
13. The Gift of Empathy
Any time we can share feelings with another person, whether they’re of sorrow or joy, we give a treasured gift. When Cathy’s dad died unexpectedly in his midfifties some years ago, she experienced both shock and loss. The greatest comfort she received was from people who had also lost a parent under similar circumstances. They were able to identify with her, understand what she was going through, offer hope, and let her know they were there for her.
14. The Gift of Forgiveness
This is the ultimate win-win gift. Both the giver and the receiver get something of great value—healing. We’re all in need of it because we’ve all been hurt and offended by someone else. It makes it easier to forgive them when we remind ourselves that we’ve also caused pain in others. Forgiveness releases us from unnecessary negative emotions and allows us to move on to better things.
15. The Gift of Prayer
It was not a coincidence that I received an e-mail, a phone call, and a handwritten note about prayer while writing this chapter. Each one was from a dear friend who was not only thinking about me but praying for me. What made the gift even more special was that I hadn’t asked for the prayers. Since I look upon prayer—communication with God—as the highest activity of which a human being is capable, and because I know the sincerity of these people, their gifts became lasting treasures.
Monday, June 12, 2006
12/06 . Juz some clouds of thoughts...
Sigh.. I just donno what to make of all these anymore.
This morning as I read those messages, I feel pangs going through my heart. Almost like siezures. Another emotional attack? Sigh.. I still think it is highly attributed to the emotional baggage spilled over from the Captain Hook episode. I tried so hard to be careful with my heart but yet I'm so highly sensitive now that I hate it.
Cried this morning when I sensed from his reply comments that I've probably become a pest. Oh dear, this is really not my intention. Was just trying to be fun, but I've probably successfully got onto his nerves. It doesn't help with the teasing from the rest I feared it might have seemed as though I've been bitching to everyone about him not asking me out or calling me. *OUCH* Boy this do make me seemed hard-up, or desparate and ridiculous. I think my pride has been hurt. I know I'm thinking too much - but that's me, I tend to think too much. Arghhhhh.... Felt like giving him a call or send him an email or sms to apologise or "break the ice" (if there's any), but that would probably be the most silliest thing to do. No, better not start the new week like this. Don't think I can handle an icy reply or non-reply or worse, something that tells me I'm silly and don't be dramatic. Geez, I hate it when my emotions and thoughts became so complicated and negative and sensitive. Wish I could just cut it all off. But can't. No cool enough. Sobsz. Need a hug. sigh.... Paulbearie where are you? (heez.. Paulbearie.. mind I give you this new nick?)
OK. Introducing Paulbearie - a new friend - has emerged VERY recently, hot from the oven as my new potential soulmate and he's from London. hehehehe.. super funny witty wacko wacky comical sweet caring creative imaginative big-kid fella I have grown to adore. hahahaha... everyone should get to know him. don't you agree, Paulbearie? I know you'll be reading this. haha YOU BETTER! *growwwwwwwwl~*
Woke up happy this morning, weight has dropped further due to the bad tummy, haha~ was standing at 62.5kg!!! WOW~ That's a number I've not seen for quite long on my scale. I must continue to work at it. This evening I'll be at gym.So would I be tomorrow and Saturday. hehe... I've engaged a Personal Trainer for 8 sessions and kekeke he's HOT!!! Woah bulging muscles, fair skin with tattoo visible around his biceps or whatever - HAND / ARM. hahaaha.. And he seems a real gentlemen. I was down at the gym on Saturday for the 2pm session but arrived 2.20pm because of a traffic jam caused by accident on the highway. And I missed the exit because I was distracted in my mind.. missing someone dearly and having all kinds of sad thoughts. Silly me. Anyway, when I reached there, I needed to run to the loo again because my tummy was still not well. Terence, my PT, was really kind. Told me its OK he will cancel the session, and asked me how I'm feeling... and we planned for this week's appointments. Today's gonna be upper body workout, tomorrow will be lower body. YAY!!!! First steps towards physical fitness!
Eugene continued to call me and persist on meeting me. So probably I'll meet him this Wed/Thur to see how retarded he is. Anyway, I told him I'm bringing a friend along *sniggers* - I think it'll be fun. He told me he has tattoos across his chest and has did time in Australia, and has a shady past. But I asked him "why are you telling me this???" - and really, I don't f**king care. Especially the repulsive fact that he smokes. OOOOps~ sorry my smoker friends, I don't mind friends who smokes, but when it comes to selection of Mr Right or my dates, it is a big No NO NO!! I am allergic to the fumes... and the smoke is really higly offensive to my nostrils and lungs. However, hehehe... the thought of him having been to jail and having tattoos sounds exciting, never gone out with guys like this before, sounds dangerous and thrilling. bwahahahaha... Sigh, why do I only get asked out by such men? *shakes head*. CORRECTION : he did not ask me out. I promised to thank him for his effort/help by buying him a meal and drinks. OK. That sounds better. heeee.....
Was out for a Korean Movie with ET yesterday at The Cathay. Woah~ really nice place!!! Must go there for movies again!! Thanks to my horrid sense of direction and poor listening skills, I miss the turn into the carpark drive and we had to make a big detour inorder to come back to the same road. But we had fun along the way, as usual. That's the wonderful thing when you're with friends who knows your weaknesses yet accept you as who you are. You can make mistakes and still laugh together, and the encouragement to try again is always there. Muacks, ET! Love ya!!! After we've gotten the tickets, I caught sight of the place "Browhaus".. and stopped to check it out. A lady consultant came out and I was willingly talked into getting a browjob done. (BROW, not blow, hehehehe..). My brows has always been too sparse and thin and undefined.. and I've always wanted one of those sexy nice brow arches. 20 minutes later... I emerged from the service chair looking permanently surprised. Bwahahahahahaha... OK OK I exaggerated but this was how I felt!!!! Good thing ET was able to affirm and assure that I look great with the enhanced brows. hehe.. took a pic, but you'll see red blotches around the forehead due to the threading. NICE~!!! ???
The Korean movie was hilarious at first but draggy in the end. Still overall, it was romantic and sweet. The popcorn was fantastic. But due to me trying not to laugh out too loud at an old lady sitting next to us muttering question and comments aloud, and really I shouldn't have eaten the Cappaccio and Pasta and Swordfish and Coffee for lunch (mum's birthday) and probably shouldn't eat the popcorn as well - I did the merlion act and threw up half my tummy's content at the loo. Never did eat anything else last night except for the clay powder - medication from the doctor.
When I reached home it was past midnight and was elated to have gotten a long email from Paulbearie. Ahhh so sweet and so funny.. hehehe.. I would love to post what he wrote to let you all know how sweet he is but won't do it without his permission. hehe. Went to bed smiling. Thanks, Paulbearie!
Hmmm... feel so much better now.
OK. back to work. heheheehehehe... I love blogging. It's SoooOOooooo therapeutic.
Well, just got an email that I won't be going Miami for the HR Meeting. It's gonna be at Amsterdam this time, 4th-6th July. HEY!! Maybe I'll try to go London by train from there to see Paulbearie!!!! Wahahaha... Not sure if that is possible but wouldn't that be wonderful?!?
This morning as I read those messages, I feel pangs going through my heart. Almost like siezures. Another emotional attack? Sigh.. I still think it is highly attributed to the emotional baggage spilled over from the Captain Hook episode. I tried so hard to be careful with my heart but yet I'm so highly sensitive now that I hate it.
Cried this morning when I sensed from his reply comments that I've probably become a pest. Oh dear, this is really not my intention. Was just trying to be fun, but I've probably successfully got onto his nerves. It doesn't help with the teasing from the rest I feared it might have seemed as though I've been bitching to everyone about him not asking me out or calling me. *OUCH* Boy this do make me seemed hard-up, or desparate and ridiculous. I think my pride has been hurt. I know I'm thinking too much - but that's me, I tend to think too much. Arghhhhh.... Felt like giving him a call or send him an email or sms to apologise or "break the ice" (if there's any), but that would probably be the most silliest thing to do. No, better not start the new week like this. Don't think I can handle an icy reply or non-reply or worse, something that tells me I'm silly and don't be dramatic. Geez, I hate it when my emotions and thoughts became so complicated and negative and sensitive. Wish I could just cut it all off. But can't. No cool enough. Sobsz. Need a hug. sigh.... Paulbearie where are you? (heez.. Paulbearie.. mind I give you this new nick?)
OK. Introducing Paulbearie - a new friend - has emerged VERY recently, hot from the oven as my new potential soulmate and he's from London. hehehehe.. super funny witty wacko wacky comical sweet caring creative imaginative big-kid fella I have grown to adore. hahahaha... everyone should get to know him. don't you agree, Paulbearie? I know you'll be reading this. haha YOU BETTER! *growwwwwwwwl~*
Woke up happy this morning, weight has dropped further due to the bad tummy, haha~ was standing at 62.5kg!!! WOW~ That's a number I've not seen for quite long on my scale. I must continue to work at it. This evening I'll be at gym.So would I be tomorrow and Saturday. hehe... I've engaged a Personal Trainer for 8 sessions and kekeke he's HOT!!! Woah bulging muscles, fair skin with tattoo visible around his biceps or whatever - HAND / ARM. hahaaha.. And he seems a real gentlemen. I was down at the gym on Saturday for the 2pm session but arrived 2.20pm because of a traffic jam caused by accident on the highway. And I missed the exit because I was distracted in my mind.. missing someone dearly and having all kinds of sad thoughts. Silly me. Anyway, when I reached there, I needed to run to the loo again because my tummy was still not well. Terence, my PT, was really kind. Told me its OK he will cancel the session, and asked me how I'm feeling... and we planned for this week's appointments. Today's gonna be upper body workout, tomorrow will be lower body. YAY!!!! First steps towards physical fitness!
Eugene continued to call me and persist on meeting me. So probably I'll meet him this Wed/Thur to see how retarded he is. Anyway, I told him I'm bringing a friend along *sniggers* - I think it'll be fun. He told me he has tattoos across his chest and has did time in Australia, and has a shady past. But I asked him "why are you telling me this???" - and really, I don't f**king care. Especially the repulsive fact that he smokes. OOOOps~ sorry my smoker friends, I don't mind friends who smokes, but when it comes to selection of Mr Right or my dates, it is a big No NO NO!! I am allergic to the fumes... and the smoke is really higly offensive to my nostrils and lungs. However, hehehe... the thought of him having been to jail and having tattoos sounds exciting, never gone out with guys like this before, sounds dangerous and thrilling. bwahahahaha... Sigh, why do I only get asked out by such men? *shakes head*. CORRECTION : he did not ask me out. I promised to thank him for his effort/help by buying him a meal and drinks. OK. That sounds better. heeee.....
Was out for a Korean Movie with ET yesterday at The Cathay. Woah~ really nice place!!! Must go there for movies again!! Thanks to my horrid sense of direction and poor listening skills, I miss the turn into the carpark drive and we had to make a big detour inorder to come back to the same road. But we had fun along the way, as usual. That's the wonderful thing when you're with friends who knows your weaknesses yet accept you as who you are. You can make mistakes and still laugh together, and the encouragement to try again is always there. Muacks, ET! Love ya!!! After we've gotten the tickets, I caught sight of the place "Browhaus".. and stopped to check it out. A lady consultant came out and I was willingly talked into getting a browjob done. (BROW, not blow, hehehehe..). My brows has always been too sparse and thin and undefined.. and I've always wanted one of those sexy nice brow arches. 20 minutes later... I emerged from the service chair looking permanently surprised. Bwahahahahahaha... OK OK I exaggerated but this was how I felt!!!! Good thing ET was able to affirm and assure that I look great with the enhanced brows. hehe.. took a pic, but you'll see red blotches around the forehead due to the threading. NICE~!!! ???
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The Korean movie was hilarious at first but draggy in the end. Still overall, it was romantic and sweet. The popcorn was fantastic. But due to me trying not to laugh out too loud at an old lady sitting next to us muttering question and comments aloud, and really I shouldn't have eaten the Cappaccio and Pasta and Swordfish and Coffee for lunch (mum's birthday) and probably shouldn't eat the popcorn as well - I did the merlion act and threw up half my tummy's content at the loo. Never did eat anything else last night except for the clay powder - medication from the doctor.
When I reached home it was past midnight and was elated to have gotten a long email from Paulbearie. Ahhh so sweet and so funny.. hehehe.. I would love to post what he wrote to let you all know how sweet he is but won't do it without his permission. hehe. Went to bed smiling. Thanks, Paulbearie!
Hmmm... feel so much better now.
OK. back to work. heheheehehehe... I love blogging. It's SoooOOooooo therapeutic.
Well, just got an email that I won't be going Miami for the HR Meeting. It's gonna be at Amsterdam this time, 4th-6th July. HEY!! Maybe I'll try to go London by train from there to see Paulbearie!!!! Wahahaha... Not sure if that is possible but wouldn't that be wonderful?!?
Saturday, June 10, 2006
10/06 . I'm so full of shit!
Can't believe it. I'm still purging on and off. Nope, still have not dragged my ass over to the doctor's.... because I found some charcoal pills (expired, by the way) and ate them. Condition will stabalise for a while, and then the rounds will start again. Looks like it is not food poisoning.
Hmmm..... then what can it be? Germs? Where're did I get it from?
I'm suspecting the frozen strawberries with yoghurt & white chocolate topping. But the whole bunch of us ate it, can't be that I'm the only one who got hit, right?
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS.... *dancing around the room*
This morning as I got up and weighed myself, it read : 62.7 kg!!!! OMG!!!!!!!
Then I wash up and drank water, 2 full glasses. Weighed again : 63.0 kg!!!!! Wahahaha... I'm delirious!! Gosh! I've been hovering around 64.5 to 65.5 for the past month!
Excited, I sms ET the good news.
Her reply : "So you are heavy because you are full of shit.... Hahaha.."
GREAT. YES!! I AM!!!! All 65kg of me!!! A SHIT BAG!!!! hahahahahahaa.. this is so funny I laughed out so loud. Thanks, ET, that's so original!
Back to reality : I wanna loose fat. Not water. I bet I'll be back to normal weight once my appetite and "retention power" is back. But I will still celebrate this joy no matter how small it is!!! YAY!!!!!!
Will be back to gym soon to burn those extra calories & fats away, as well as pump those irons - tone & build some muscles that will help me burn calories even when I'm asleep. hehe...
Hmmm..... then what can it be? Germs? Where're did I get it from?
I'm suspecting the frozen strawberries with yoghurt & white chocolate topping. But the whole bunch of us ate it, can't be that I'm the only one who got hit, right?
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS.... *dancing around the room*
This morning as I got up and weighed myself, it read : 62.7 kg!!!! OMG!!!!!!!
Then I wash up and drank water, 2 full glasses. Weighed again : 63.0 kg!!!!! Wahahaha... I'm delirious!! Gosh! I've been hovering around 64.5 to 65.5 for the past month!
Excited, I sms ET the good news.
Her reply : "So you are heavy because you are full of shit.... Hahaha.."
GREAT. YES!! I AM!!!! All 65kg of me!!! A SHIT BAG!!!! hahahahahahaa.. this is so funny I laughed out so loud. Thanks, ET, that's so original!
Back to reality : I wanna loose fat. Not water. I bet I'll be back to normal weight once my appetite and "retention power" is back. But I will still celebrate this joy no matter how small it is!!! YAY!!!!!!
Will be back to gym soon to burn those extra calories & fats away, as well as pump those irons - tone & build some muscles that will help me burn calories even when I'm asleep. hehe...
10/06 . Meet my toes, kekeke..
My toes are laughing, can you see? hehehehe...
Took this pic last week because I was so pleased with the nail job. I love this color, its call "Lure him in" .. or something like that. hahahahaha... even nail colors have sexy names!
Went pedicure with ET ...er... was it 2 weeks ago? Paid S$28 for it I think. Well, I don't indulge in such luxury often, but yet needed to because I'm simply not capable of maintaining my own feet as I should, apart of the daily cleaning and clipping of nails. But the necessary scrubbing and removal of hard skin or dry skin or nail care is really not something I know how to do properly. Bending over to reach my toes are already a challenge, especially with the tummy in the way *GAH* - yes , go ahead and laugh.
So Pwwweeety, aint they?
But I'll be cleaning them off soon, probably on Sunday. No one's gonna be admiring them anyway, sigh. But I must say, they made my feet look so kissable, kind of sexy and really pretty, must go do it again. hehehehe...
Friday, June 09, 2006
09/06 . Life goes on...
Life Goes On....
Have been doing more self-searching...
The fact still stands that I can't help being enthusiastic over the new people in my life, that's me - though the excitement is not usually extended to everybody, but to those who greatly intrigued me or who were unusually kind and sweet to me, who brought me sunshine in my darkest moments - and I just couldn't help but be a silly little puppy. *wags tail violently*
My best friend ET can testify to how many times I've been excited about the new people I've recently encountered and told her all about it them, how wonderful or wacky or refreshing or what I thought of them...and soon enough we had a really good laugh when these fantastic people turned out otherwise~ (some turn out to be nightmares!!!!!!!!). I just don't have the ability to really read people well, and tend to be guilable and naive and trusting - Oh so dark the con of man, bwahahahahaha.... However I do know that in reality people are not perfect. Neither am I. We all have our good bad and ugly, and for first impressions we will always present our best, won't we? I'm talking about normal people of course. That's why I am always not so easily flattered when people are overwhelmingly excited about me - I'll tell them... HA you'll think otherwise when you get to know me better. Nope, I'm not the pleasant sweet demure amiable gal you think I am (or you see from the pictures, OMG!). I am capable of rasing my middle finger at you and saying 发YOU with flared nostrils and a nasty snarl on my face! wahahahahaha....
So........ Hmmmm....
The much anticipated and awaited arrival of a new friend came at a time as I was emerging from one of the most painful episode of my life this year - Yep when things ended with Captain Hook in end-April. (hahaha woah~ it is now JUNE!!! OMG!!!! Half a year already!!! Soon it will be Christmas!). I must have pinned my hopes of getting lots of sunshine moments by meeting up with someone new and fun and potentially charming (hahaha sucker me!) to chase my shadows away, to move forward with life. Or maybe just someone new whom I thought cared about me, which I may spend time just pouring my heart with. sigh~ Geez look at how clingy or needy or dependent I'm sound. Argh. Alright, I'm still looking for a soulmate. And this person seemed potential. NOW, how many of such people cross my path in a year? F-E-W. Sigh.. Usually I seem to be the most interesting person in my life!!!! wahahahaha shameless! Of course, I must be fair to my best pals, they brought out the best in me - that'z what friends are for!
So what do I do when the "party fun & sunshine moments" I badly look forward to seemed to be postponed and delayed and eventually coming to the realisation that HEY~ no one had invited me but I've shamelessly invited myself!!!!??? (Or perhaps they changed their mind about inviting me, sobz.. am I such dread?? sobZZzzzzz - oh maybe I am!?? Time to check my personl blindspots perhaps? hahahaha....OK, it's their loss!!!) But OOOOHHHHH!!!! Hard truth to deal with! OUCH OUCH OUCH!! *clench heart* However, instead of beating myself up and wallowing over this in self-pity and self-perceived rejection (which is a big problem I used to have since a teenager and trying to overcome - yep, getting there) - all part of a defence mechanism in fear of rejection.... It is time to just leave things be, let things take a natural course. Stop wanting things to happen. Stop trying to make things happen. Stop. People have a life. People have business to run. People have things to be busy with. GET A LIFE.
So, back to the question : What do I do when excitement turns into disappointment? No no no no no... getting bitter or negative or upset is definitely NOT the answer. Bad mistake I made - but hahaha... I'm somewhat a born loser, I guess. It's OK, I don't have to be perfect because I have the courage to be imperfect (yes, I'll cope with this for now). ACCEPTING that this is just part of life is the answer. Sad, but life goes on..... and on and on and on.
Yep, never did hear from him anymore and probably won't soon, and even if never.... Life goes on...
Yep, I've probably made a fool of myself - silly gal, but its ok, it's not the first time, so I'll still love me and be kind to me and pick myself up when I fall.... Life goes on....
Yep, when another is NOT as mutually enthusiastic about me or have their own reasons for staying away,... Life goes on.... not everything in this world revolves around me.
I do accept these as the realities of life. Damn unwilling to, but I will. Growing pains and growling pain!
I have to remind myself that this is very NORMAL. I can see in my life too- that I keep some people in my life at arm's length as well - either because I am not too keen on them, or, I "withdraw" once I got to know them better or got a hint of how I will potentially NOT enjoy their company. Yes, both men & women. There's this guy I went out with, and immediately could see how impatient a person he is during our date. He did not wait for me to look through the menu and ordered for me, he did not confirm with me if I'd like the bacon with the sausages and told the waitress NO (if he'd asked me I would have said Yey!!), and while giving me a lift home he kept stepping on the gas pedal and inching forward, inching forward, inching foward.. before the lights go green. GOSH! I know I can't live with those who are impatient. I'll get on their nerves, and they'll get on mine big time. There's also this young gal who wrote to me in Friendster and chatted online, then spoke on the phone once and after that kept sending me sms to say she missed me, can we chat, can we meet. Finally we went out once to catch a movie and she continued to be clingy and frequently seeks my attention. Eventually I was really annoyed and ignored her altogether. Sometimes I might reply her when I'm in the mood.. but most of the times her messages are ignored. So are the same case with some guys who sends me messages - I just ignore them and answer on days I feel like it. Sigh~ So.... what you sow you will reap.. or do the same to others what you would expect others to do to you. Hence I should accept it when someone did not bother with me that much. Oh, get a life Viv. *ouch*
Yes, it seems I am really tripped on this issue. Hung up on it. But yes, I am also dealing with it. Somehow it had hit something in my soul that brought pain, pain, pain.. Unhealed wounds? I'm still searching for it. If I don't continue to face it and challenge it internally, it will eat me up. One day I'm gonna react in a ridiculous manner to a perfectly innocent poor creature and won't know where that came from. It affects me, so I need to examine it closely. I need to understand why I am feeling this way, and to try to talk myself into seeing things more positively or realistically.
Wish I am less complicated than this. But I'm a woman, can't help it. huhuhuhuhuhurrrrr...
Just watched the movie PICTURE PERFECT on TV. Awwwwwww... so romantic. Love that guy "Nick" in this show, he is so so so sweet. Perhaps I don't need someone witty funny, I just need someone sweet like Nick. Sigh~ ... Love the way he looks at Jennifer Annistan in the show, such adoration for her yet she is oblivious to it. Hmm... this never happened to me before. Oh, maybe once but I only got to know it years later from others. I mean, a guy too young for me likes me and I totally was ignorant of it. And this brings to mind... in my life, most of the time it is me having some crush on a guy and getting all crushed up in my heart when I'm rejected. Then on the opposite end the guys who were attracted or interested in me are such undesirable sorts... - oh yes, one of such guy was rather persistant about pushing our friendship. Just after ONE date and he's asking me for a weekend trip up to Malaysia. Geez.
Still, it seems that what the love gurus wrote on their books are so true - Men will not cherish women who comes on to them. Sigh, that is so hard for me to do. I believe in expressing my feelings and showing love. Not keep them to myself and act cool. It is sad when those whom you desired or esteemed in your life ignored your existence, while those you ignored kept on pestering and getting you annoyed.
I guess I should offer no apology that this period of my life has been largely focused on the topic of dating + men + love + dream of meeting someone right. Hey, I'm turning 35 in November. I feel the need for someone. I feel it strongly. So I'm not gonna deny it or numb it out, nor act so coool like I don't care if there's a man in my life or not. NO. I AM NOT COOL about it right now. Yes, I was cool about it years ago, just NOT NOW.
It is hard to accept compliments and encouraging affirmations from the nice friends I made... Guys who told me I'm lovely and "hot sexy babe" and that I'm not fat, just lovely the way I am. I think it is really really so sweet of them, and I'm deeply touched. I do think that I'm beautiful too... and that I'm charming in my own ways, and really sweet, and mischievious and so much more... hahahahaa... just that my confidence get crushed easily. HOWEVER, no matter how well and lovely they think of me, they are not gonna be the men who would eventually ask for my heart nor my hand. I still want to look my best for the man who would be the love of my life. AND yes, I also wanna look better for me. DAMN it's been too long since I'm able to wear something really nice an decent, those nice dresses and blouses out in the shops! It's depressing when I go shopping and tries to get into any of them! Nothing fits! And those which fit me.. sigh.. don't flatter my looks. Anyway, I'm set on my goals to loose 10kg by end of the year. HEH.
Now how do I come to this? hahahah... excuse me while I read above again.
AHHHHhh... yes.. Life goes on...
Yep. I just need to get used to life at present. Let it get back normal again.
Again, another nonsensical rambling of a complicated emotionally rich woman.
Life goes on, life goes on.. life........ goes......... on.............
Thursday, June 08, 2006
08/06 . Prrrrbbboootttt.. Splatter.. Splash!
I lost some weight today!!!! Wahahahaha!~
Donno what I ate wrong yesterday, but since 1pm today I've been purging on-and-off and then every half hour 3-4 times in smaller volumes.. till just 15mins ago I was still running to the loo, keeping the toilet bowl active. The condition seemed to be getting worse. Oh dear~ I was hoping it'll stop once the load is over.
Hmmm.... wonder how much weight loss occured!? hahahahaha... Let me see.. this morning I was 64.0kg... now? GEEEEZ!!!! 64.1??????????? How come?? With so much flushing out of me I should have dropped at least 1kg!!! OH. I ate lots today too, hahahaa... was at farewell lunch for the colleague who resigned and ate till my tummy nearly burst. I ate dinner earlier on too.. OK. Not so bad. Hence, if I was not purging for the last 10 hours, I would most probably be weighing 65.5kg? But now I'm 64.1 kg!!! YIPPPY!!!!!! Hey I should prolong the purging then? hahahahahaha .. Ok, I still wanna live. Not willing to die yet, not yet found someone to love and be loved. (Not yet tasted.. erm... s**. hahahahahah...)
Geez, tomorrow I need to be in office to moniter the payroll entries, talk to the outsource agents to ensure they got my email today and any clarifications, plus interviewing a candidate at 6pm! I have to be at work~!!!!! I still owe the auditor a report and some figures, as well as a salary survey questionnaire for the China employees for Hay Management. Oh, I hope the tap will stop by tonight. Otherwise it'll be a dreadful day to be at work, still running to the loo every 20mins. My a**hole is already burning and sore. OK, forgive me for the sordid details. (or you can don't read. hahahaha too bad, you've read it!)
Anyway, I was foraging for the charcoal pills, but can't find any in the fridge. Dad must have ate them all for fun. I'm just too lazy to drag my ass over to the doctor's. Will search in my drawers later to see if I can find any old medication for diarrhea. AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER.
OooOOoooops!!... Oh oh oh oh dear~ it's at the door again! Gotta gotta gotta GO!!!
*Prrrruuuuubbboootttt..Splatter..splatter...SPLASH! ahhhhhhhh.....*
Donno what I ate wrong yesterday, but since 1pm today I've been purging on-and-off and then every half hour 3-4 times in smaller volumes.. till just 15mins ago I was still running to the loo, keeping the toilet bowl active. The condition seemed to be getting worse. Oh dear~ I was hoping it'll stop once the load is over.
Hmmm.... wonder how much weight loss occured!? hahahahaha... Let me see.. this morning I was 64.0kg... now? GEEEEZ!!!! 64.1??????????? How come?? With so much flushing out of me I should have dropped at least 1kg!!! OH. I ate lots today too, hahahaa... was at farewell lunch for the colleague who resigned and ate till my tummy nearly burst. I ate dinner earlier on too.. OK. Not so bad. Hence, if I was not purging for the last 10 hours, I would most probably be weighing 65.5kg? But now I'm 64.1 kg!!! YIPPPY!!!!!! Hey I should prolong the purging then? hahahahahaha .. Ok, I still wanna live. Not willing to die yet, not yet found someone to love and be loved. (Not yet tasted.. erm... s**. hahahahahah...)
Geez, tomorrow I need to be in office to moniter the payroll entries, talk to the outsource agents to ensure they got my email today and any clarifications, plus interviewing a candidate at 6pm! I have to be at work~!!!!! I still owe the auditor a report and some figures, as well as a salary survey questionnaire for the China employees for Hay Management. Oh, I hope the tap will stop by tonight. Otherwise it'll be a dreadful day to be at work, still running to the loo every 20mins. My a**hole is already burning and sore. OK, forgive me for the sordid details. (or you can don't read. hahahaha too bad, you've read it!)
Anyway, I was foraging for the charcoal pills, but can't find any in the fridge. Dad must have ate them all for fun. I'm just too lazy to drag my ass over to the doctor's. Will search in my drawers later to see if I can find any old medication for diarrhea. AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER.
OooOOoooops!!... Oh oh oh oh dear~ it's at the door again! Gotta gotta gotta GO!!!
*Prrrruuuuubbboootttt..Splatter..splatter...SPLASH! ahhhhhhhh.....*
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
07/06 . Up Down Left Right??
Oh I love my bunch of colleagues, they are so much fun to be with.
Almost daily, we will walk to the hawker centre, pack our lunch back to the comfort of the office, sit down at the pantry table and eat together. As we eat, we will just talk about anything under the sun and the topics can go really wild and funny, especially when they started to tease me, haahahahahahaha....
So today as usual, they were talking over lunch and the topic went from harmless chat about food and the attitude of the hawker stall owners over to discussion & analysis of how the story is developing on the daily TV drama, then to Super Bands Competition, to concerts and singers, and then, er-hem~ TOPIC OF THE DAY :
Jessie mentioned not long ago -several years back maybe, hehehe, can't remember - a HongKong singing group (The Grasshoppers) were in Singapore for a concert and the lead singer, while dancing and singing, suddenly has a visible bulge slanted to the left of his trousers, upwards (where you have the left pockets). The Cameras seemed to zoom in at that embarrassing point and it became obvious to all viewers that what they were seeing is his.. erm.. member. WAHAHAHAHAHA.... (They were all wearing white elastic long pants - spandex? - I think, hahahaha...). They were sure it wasn't visible at first and probably due to the dancing (perhaps he saw voluptuous female fan wobbling her boobs while moving to their music~?? hahahahaha) "IT" upsized. hur-hur.....
So I asked.. "HOH???? Why there??? Why upwards to the left?? Don't guys tuck it downwards between the balls??"
This innocent question from me opened up a hilarious exchange of information. hahahahhaa...
All of them glared at me and started to laugh.
Someone immediately said, Of course NOT!! If they tuck it between the balls they won't be able to sit down!! Have you never seen any Ads with male model in briefs or swimming trunk?? Its' all UPwards!!!
One said.. YES, guys keep it 'upwards' in their briefs. (My eyes continued to widen)
Another disagreed, saying, NO LAH... it is tucked to the left or right... (my mouth OPENED)
Then another said... Depends lor, if they are wearing boxer shorts, then they will let it hang down either to the left or the right, but then they must not wear tight pants otherwise the abrasion will cause 'it' to be easily hardened / reactive, and they must walk carefully, legs wide open....
*BLUSH* (I laughed and laughed and tears were running down my face, this is so hilarious..)
And in the end, there was no unanimous answer - everyone have differing views. While I was the one with raised eyebrows, taking it all in with disbelief and quizzing the reason why, the rest were arguing over if it is left, right, up or down. hahahahahaha.... I'd say it's forward.
Anyway, each will go back to check with their son or hushand tonight. buahahaha.. OH yes, should I check with my brother? He'll just blush and I still won't get an answer, BAHAHAHAHAHHAA... OH~definitely not my dad, I'll get knuckled on my head for asking. I'm sure his just dangle. teeheeeheeee...
Then a male colleague who just returned from lunch walked in to the pantry. Instinctively everyone stared at his groin (and I was giggling and blushing and covering my face while peering thru my fingers..). The door was immediately shut behind him upon his entry and he was cornered, slightly startled. Jessie said.. "STEVEN! You came in at the right time... we have a VERY important question for you.. Vivian (huh? why me?) wants to know how you keep your........" And by this time I was squealing and blushing and bawling with laughter.. and couldn't help but look at his "bulge" to see if the direction of the ...erm... largest hairy finger..... is up down left or right, kekekekkekeke... However, to my dismay, bulge too small, pants too baggy, can't tell a thing, wahahahaha...
Anyway I protested and said.. "HEY its NOT just ME who wants to know &^%#$ all of them too!!!....." HAHAHAHAHAHA everyone roared and most of us are having stitches on our sides by now.
Him, greatly amused probably pleased with the attention he's getting from all the ladies, calmly and cooly answered.. "Well, it depends on the wind-direction when I'm putting on my brief....." hehe..(yeah rite~)
Is it up or down or left or right? can you tell?
Hehehe... till now I have no answer. I'm still shocked that I'm told most guys kept it UPWARDS. But one thing I'm sure, they keep it inside. teeheeeheeee...
So, guys, how do you tuck yours, eh? Care to enlighten me? *__* hehehehehhehee...
Almost daily, we will walk to the hawker centre, pack our lunch back to the comfort of the office, sit down at the pantry table and eat together. As we eat, we will just talk about anything under the sun and the topics can go really wild and funny, especially when they started to tease me, haahahahahahaha....
So today as usual, they were talking over lunch and the topic went from harmless chat about food and the attitude of the hawker stall owners over to discussion & analysis of how the story is developing on the daily TV drama, then to Super Bands Competition, to concerts and singers, and then, er-hem~ TOPIC OF THE DAY :
Jessie mentioned not long ago -several years back maybe, hehehe, can't remember - a HongKong singing group (The Grasshoppers) were in Singapore for a concert and the lead singer, while dancing and singing, suddenly has a visible bulge slanted to the left of his trousers, upwards (where you have the left pockets). The Cameras seemed to zoom in at that embarrassing point and it became obvious to all viewers that what they were seeing is his.. erm.. member. WAHAHAHAHAHA.... (They were all wearing white elastic long pants - spandex? - I think, hahahaha...). They were sure it wasn't visible at first and probably due to the dancing (perhaps he saw voluptuous female fan wobbling her boobs while moving to their music~?? hahahahaha) "IT" upsized. hur-hur.....
So I asked.. "HOH???? Why there??? Why upwards to the left?? Don't guys tuck it downwards between the balls??"
This innocent question from me opened up a hilarious exchange of information. hahahahhaa...
All of them glared at me and started to laugh.
Someone immediately said, Of course NOT!! If they tuck it between the balls they won't be able to sit down!! Have you never seen any Ads with male model in briefs or swimming trunk?? Its' all UPwards!!!
One said.. YES, guys keep it 'upwards' in their briefs. (My eyes continued to widen)
Another disagreed, saying, NO LAH... it is tucked to the left or right... (my mouth OPENED)
Then another said... Depends lor, if they are wearing boxer shorts, then they will let it hang down either to the left or the right, but then they must not wear tight pants otherwise the abrasion will cause 'it' to be easily hardened / reactive, and they must walk carefully, legs wide open....
*BLUSH* (I laughed and laughed and tears were running down my face, this is so hilarious..)
And in the end, there was no unanimous answer - everyone have differing views. While I was the one with raised eyebrows, taking it all in with disbelief and quizzing the reason why, the rest were arguing over if it is left, right, up or down. hahahahahaha.... I'd say it's forward.
Anyway, each will go back to check with their son or hushand tonight. buahahaha.. OH yes, should I check with my brother? He'll just blush and I still won't get an answer, BAHAHAHAHAHHAA... OH~definitely not my dad, I'll get knuckled on my head for asking. I'm sure his just dangle. teeheeeheeee...
Then a male colleague who just returned from lunch walked in to the pantry. Instinctively everyone stared at his groin (and I was giggling and blushing and covering my face while peering thru my fingers..). The door was immediately shut behind him upon his entry and he was cornered, slightly startled. Jessie said.. "STEVEN! You came in at the right time... we have a VERY important question for you.. Vivian (huh? why me?) wants to know how you keep your........" And by this time I was squealing and blushing and bawling with laughter.. and couldn't help but look at his "bulge" to see if the direction of the ...erm... largest hairy finger..... is up down left or right, kekekekkekeke... However, to my dismay, bulge too small, pants too baggy, can't tell a thing, wahahahaha...
Anyway I protested and said.. "HEY its NOT just ME who wants to know &^%#$ all of them too!!!....." HAHAHAHAHAHA everyone roared and most of us are having stitches on our sides by now.
Him, greatly amused probably pleased with the attention he's getting from all the ladies, calmly and cooly answered.. "Well, it depends on the wind-direction when I'm putting on my brief....." hehe..(yeah rite~)
Is it up or down or left or right? can you tell?
Hehehe... till now I have no answer. I'm still shocked that I'm told most guys kept it UPWARDS. But one thing I'm sure, they keep it inside. teeheeeheeee...
So, guys, how do you tuck yours, eh? Care to enlighten me? *__* hehehehehhehee...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
06/06 . What a jerk!!!
Arrrrrrgggghhhh! I'm so pissed off by this guy Eugene!!! WTF??!!!!! I can't believe I've been so patient with him, and I guess today is the last straw. SOME GUYS ARE JUST PURE JERKS! And He's the first I've personally encountered. Grrrrrrrrr....
SO..........Who the hell is he??? Ok, I don't know too, but I'll tell you the little which I know. *lets out steam from ears*
Few weeks ago, he added me from MSN without first writing to me. As usual I have no choice but to select "allow". Because I still don't believe in "blocking" people (strangers) who tries to add you "as a friend". They just wanna get to know you, right? The stupid MSN system only gives you these 2 choice, either you allow the person to be added or you block them for life. GEEEZ~ Don't have to be so drastic right? I mean, if someone comes up to you and say, "Hi you seem interesting, can we be friends?", you either say yes, maybe or no. And over here, you have no choice. You either say Yes, or you say NEVER and DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME! *roll eyes*
OK Anyway, I added him and he never sends me any messages even though he's online! GAH. *roll eyes* And I was very tempted to delete him off, so-very-tempted, but I decided it is not a nice thing to do. Finally one night we chatted (very briefly) and that's all we said and it was again silence for another week. And haahaha.. getting so anal and annoyed, I finally went ahead and deleted him off my MSN list - Well, he can still write me if he wanna, but I don't intend to write him anymore (he's so dry and boring) hence I won't need to see if he's online.
Last week I posted a shoutout asking for help (on my MSN Comment line)... asking help for which team to place my S$10 bet for the World Cup. No no no, I AM NOT A FOOTBALL FAN. In fact, I know NOTHING, peanuts, about football and I don't watch football (haha unless a delicious half-naked hunk whom I've had my eye on is watching it, buahahahaa...), and I don't follow any football news. Yes, I do know a few famous names of footballers and that's all : Backham, Donaldo, Agassi, Arnold Swearzenigger, Mohammed Ali? hahahaha..
Sadly... No one responded to my shoutout... *sobs* - and finally HE DID!!!! Awwwww~ I was more than grateful!
It turns out he's quite a football fan, so he told me "Argentina!". Thence began a conversation, during which he agreed to help me fill up a complicated excel form issued by my company. Yes, I forgot to mention, this is an Office Pool for World Cup, and it is compulsory for ME. Grrrrrrrrrr... because I've been "volunteered" by the GM to be the bookie and money collector for the office pool. Each bet is S$10 and you can make up to max 4 bets. Of course I'll only bet for S$10. But I have to fill up a bloody complicated form, predicting scores of every match for Section A. Then the positions 1 2 3 4 for each Groups under section B, then predict all scores for quarter-finals & semi-finals till finals and finally the CHAMPION. MY GOD!!!!! HOW THE F**K WILL I KNOW??????!!! So of course if I don't know, so that's why I ask for help. Damsal in distress *S-O-S* There's no way I can fill up that form blindly either. Sheeesh~ Ok I'm whining, I know. (Anyway, if you want a copy of the form, drop me a comment with your email address, I'll forward it to you. )
For filling up the form, Eugene said I will have to reward him by buying him a meal. *duh* Anyway, at that time I was in very good moods and happy to have found someone to help me, and so I said Yes, I'll even throw in drinks. And he got the cheek to say he want drinks to be at MOS! (Ministry of Sounds!!!!??) Gosh! Hey for a S$10 bet it is so NOT worth it - the entrance fee is already more than S$20 to the club, I think!!!!? Anyway I said yes ... was thinking it might be a good opportunity to visit the Club again. Last time I went there, I went alone on christmas eve... determined to get into a club for the Xmas countdown... but queued outside from 11.30pm till 12.30am. hahhaa~! But I'm glad I did something brave going to a club alone and get in by pure determination, and danced alone refusing to feel sorry for myself. What a memory!
Now back to the story of this jerk. Sigh.. REGRETS... REGRETS....
Why? I'll tell you why.
So I forwarded him the form - oops my email from office carries my office tel number. He began calling me several times a day at the office. His voice is soft and he is soft-spoken, totally not interesting to speak with - I even told him to speak up speak louder or else I'll loose my patience because it is such a drag to strain my ears to hear what the hell he is saying - oh, perhaps I'm partially deaf, bahahaha... And he kept asking for my mobile number (which I refused to give him *smug smug* - he can't give me a good reason why I should give him my number either). Finally, during the end of the day, he returned me the Betting form having only completed Section A!! When I asked about sections B C D E F G ?? he said its impossible and we must be mad. AND HE ASKED FOR HIS REWARD. What? I said, NOPE, you've only completed 1 section out of 7 and you want your meal? No way! So anyway, he said he'll try. And of course asked again for my number, and made me promise to keep my word concerning the meal and drinks. Grrrrr...rrr..rrr.r... Really, its my pit fall. I am a person who tries my best to keep my promises to people. Sigh~ He had me at my balls. (erm~ if i have balls, teeheehee..).
Then he called again, asking what nature of business my company does. It turns out he's a sales person from a logistics company in Singapore, and want to speak to the person looking after import and exports. WTF?? This guy will not let go of any business sales opportunities?? *roll eyes* Reluctantly I passed on the call after checking with my colleagues (who advised him that due to recent restructuring of the business we will not require his company's services), and later on he called me again saying he want to come down to our office. HOH????? Why come??? I asked. He said, to see the person looking after import/export. hoh??? I said, Hey Eugene didn't my colleague advised you that we won't require of your services? ... So he said something lame like .. "Ok lah.. I wanted to see you, actually"... *roll eyes* OMG he is so damn lame.
Anyway, last evening he again messaged me om MSN about the lunch/dinner/drinks. Said he want to come and meet me for lunch today. I got rather anal about it and told him I am so NOT impressed with him. ----> So far I've never had any guy who solicited for meals from me and followup for it like the way he does!!! It's not even about dating me out, obviously!! If he is trying to get a date with me by helping me and making me buy him a meal, I am just not impressed - unless in the end he actually pays for the meal instead because he was just using that as an excuse to see me. On the other hand, if it is not about dating me but purely helping and expecting reward in return, I'd be happy to buy him a meal or drinks, but not if he did not even complete his end of the deal! GRrrrrrRRRRR...
Anyway, when I said I'm not impressed with him, his reply was shocking.
He said.. "you should be impressed, very impressed"..
I said.. "why? why should I?"
He said.. "because I am a retarded person."
I said.."REALLY???? Please do not joke with me"
He said.. "yes, really, I am not joking.."
"Why? are you disappointed? You despise me??"
I said.. "NO, OF COURSE NOT. There is nothing to be disappointed nor despise about"!!!
Awwww..... I feel bad. Wow, if he is really a retarded person, then Yes, I should be impressed that he is able to work as a sales person, able to speak fairly OK (for a retarded), able to handle computer software etc.. and I really should have more patience with him instead of being such a bitch (telling him to speak up else I'd loose my patience hehe..).. and I should be more gracious... and of course, lower expectations of his ability to behave like a gentleman or common sense etiquettes etc. NOT that I'll treat him with pity, but I will definetely go easy on him. Be kind to those less fortunate. (be kind to idiots, hehehe...)
That evening we did not chat further much, except that I agreed to meet him for lunch today - play it by ear.
So THIS MORNING, once I got into the office, I got a call from him. (later on, my colleagues informed me that there's this guy who speaks damn softly - to their irritation too - kept calling me in the morning and refused to leave his name).
I said.."Hi Good morning this is Vivian!" (my usual chirpy voice)
He said.. ".... ...... he....ll....oo..." (a weak slow hello)
I said.. "Oh hi, its you. Yes?"
He said.."..................."
I said, "Hello???"
He said.. "yes?"
MY GOD! I'm about to loose my patience!!! He called to keep quiet????
I said, "Hey, ... erm... what you said yesterday, is it true?"
He said.. "what?.."
I said.."about you being a retarded person?.."
He said.."Of course &%$%#*.. I was #*&^%@ kidding...."
I said.."HUH? Sorry?? Can't hear you clearly. you were kidding or NOT kidding??"
He said, "I'm kidding lah, of course, hahahaa..."
WHAT THE FUCK???? WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?????? !!!!
OH MY GOD!!! I AM SO DAMN PISSED OFF!!!!!
HE ACTUALLY HAD ME ON ABOUT HIM BEING A RETARDED PERSON???!!!
and I actually FELT BAD!!!! GrrrrrrrRRrrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrr.....
So I said, "What?? You're joking? IT IS SO NOT FUNNY!"
So he said, "Why? do you have problems with retarded people?"
I said, "No of course not. If you are retarded I will respect you as one, and will not be joking about it. Blah blah blah..." - anyway, I forgot what the whole lot of things I said, but I already blow.
Then he asked... Do you have a room?
So I said, Room? Nope. Are you talking about home? if home yes, I have a bedroom. In the office NO, I work out in the open with everyone. WHY?
He said, So that I can come an chiak chuah (eat snake -- which means skive instead of working)
I said, I am not a chuah (I'm not a snake). SORRY I can't help you.
So he went on about how he want to find a place to skive and was hoping that i work in an office of my own so he can come see me and skive in my office.
OMG! How unimpressive!!!!!!!!!! This guy is definitely getting over familiar with me. WTF.
Then he said, Hey... Saturday, can we meet later for the meal and drinks?
I said, sure, but what time is "late"?
He said.. hmmmm....let's meet for dinner,... then I go home... then meet again later for drinks.
Puzzled, I ask.. Why would you need to go home first? to bathe? to change into nightclub retro shirt?
His reply : Oh, I wanna go back to catch World Cup.
*roll eyes*
I said, Forget it lah, we can just have dinner and you can go home and watch your world cup.
He said, ... then drinks leh?
I said, Well, you can have your coffee with food lah!
He said, No no no.. you promised drinks at MOS.
Grrrrrr... this guy is really asking for too much.
Reluctantly I said.. Then drinks another day lor (regrets... regrets...regrets...)
In the afternonon he called again.
He said.. Hey, what kind of building is your office located in? Is it an industrial building?
I said, NOPE. I don't think so, just normal office building. Why?
He asked, Oh... what kind of companies are in your building? How many? Do they do import/export?
I got really annoyed, and said, HOW THE HELL WILL I KNOW??? and WHY are you asking?
He said, How can you not know? You work there don't you? I'm sure there's also a Directory Listing probably located at the lobby floor near the lift, you can find out just by going there to take a look. I wanna know because I want to see if I can go there and get some business so ask you to help lor....
THAT IS THE LAST STRAW.
So I raised my voice, and said - EXCUSE ME!!! I don't know and I don't bloody CARE what companies are located here. YOU DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK. And No, I am NOT helping you!
He said.."why? why cannot help?"
*ROLL EYES* I said, NO, I just won't help, OK??? OK????!!!??? I DON'T WANT to help!! I'm not helpful! Satisfied??
I can't remember how the conversation ended. But hahahahahhahaa... I never heard from him since.
What a jerk!
I rarely need to come to a point to treat anyone like that.
Geez.
Now I only wonder, come Saturday, is he gonna really want his meal and drinks?
Sheesh. I so wanna go back on my word.
SO..........Who the hell is he??? Ok, I don't know too, but I'll tell you the little which I know. *lets out steam from ears*
Few weeks ago, he added me from MSN without first writing to me. As usual I have no choice but to select "allow". Because I still don't believe in "blocking" people (strangers) who tries to add you "as a friend". They just wanna get to know you, right? The stupid MSN system only gives you these 2 choice, either you allow the person to be added or you block them for life. GEEEZ~ Don't have to be so drastic right? I mean, if someone comes up to you and say, "Hi you seem interesting, can we be friends?", you either say yes, maybe or no. And over here, you have no choice. You either say Yes, or you say NEVER and DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME! *roll eyes*
OK Anyway, I added him and he never sends me any messages even though he's online! GAH. *roll eyes* And I was very tempted to delete him off, so-very-tempted, but I decided it is not a nice thing to do. Finally one night we chatted (very briefly) and that's all we said and it was again silence for another week. And haahaha.. getting so anal and annoyed, I finally went ahead and deleted him off my MSN list - Well, he can still write me if he wanna, but I don't intend to write him anymore (he's so dry and boring) hence I won't need to see if he's online.
Last week I posted a shoutout asking for help (on my MSN Comment line)... asking help for which team to place my S$10 bet for the World Cup. No no no, I AM NOT A FOOTBALL FAN. In fact, I know NOTHING, peanuts, about football and I don't watch football (haha unless a delicious half-naked hunk whom I've had my eye on is watching it, buahahahaa...), and I don't follow any football news. Yes, I do know a few famous names of footballers and that's all : Backham, Donaldo, Agassi, Arnold Swearzenigger, Mohammed Ali? hahahaha..
Sadly... No one responded to my shoutout... *sobs* - and finally HE DID!!!! Awwwww~ I was more than grateful!
It turns out he's quite a football fan, so he told me "Argentina!". Thence began a conversation, during which he agreed to help me fill up a complicated excel form issued by my company. Yes, I forgot to mention, this is an Office Pool for World Cup, and it is compulsory for ME. Grrrrrrrrrr... because I've been "volunteered" by the GM to be the bookie and money collector for the office pool. Each bet is S$10 and you can make up to max 4 bets. Of course I'll only bet for S$10. But I have to fill up a bloody complicated form, predicting scores of every match for Section A. Then the positions 1 2 3 4 for each Groups under section B, then predict all scores for quarter-finals & semi-finals till finals and finally the CHAMPION. MY GOD!!!!! HOW THE F**K WILL I KNOW??????!!! So of course if I don't know, so that's why I ask for help. Damsal in distress *S-O-S* There's no way I can fill up that form blindly either. Sheeesh~ Ok I'm whining, I know. (Anyway, if you want a copy of the form, drop me a comment with your email address, I'll forward it to you. )
For filling up the form, Eugene said I will have to reward him by buying him a meal. *duh* Anyway, at that time I was in very good moods and happy to have found someone to help me, and so I said Yes, I'll even throw in drinks. And he got the cheek to say he want drinks to be at MOS! (Ministry of Sounds!!!!??) Gosh! Hey for a S$10 bet it is so NOT worth it - the entrance fee is already more than S$20 to the club, I think!!!!? Anyway I said yes ... was thinking it might be a good opportunity to visit the Club again. Last time I went there, I went alone on christmas eve... determined to get into a club for the Xmas countdown... but queued outside from 11.30pm till 12.30am. hahhaa~! But I'm glad I did something brave going to a club alone and get in by pure determination, and danced alone refusing to feel sorry for myself. What a memory!
Now back to the story of this jerk. Sigh.. REGRETS... REGRETS....
Why? I'll tell you why.
So I forwarded him the form - oops my email from office carries my office tel number. He began calling me several times a day at the office. His voice is soft and he is soft-spoken, totally not interesting to speak with - I even told him to speak up speak louder or else I'll loose my patience because it is such a drag to strain my ears to hear what the hell he is saying - oh, perhaps I'm partially deaf, bahahaha... And he kept asking for my mobile number (which I refused to give him *smug smug* - he can't give me a good reason why I should give him my number either). Finally, during the end of the day, he returned me the Betting form having only completed Section A!! When I asked about sections B C D E F G ?? he said its impossible and we must be mad. AND HE ASKED FOR HIS REWARD. What? I said, NOPE, you've only completed 1 section out of 7 and you want your meal? No way! So anyway, he said he'll try. And of course asked again for my number, and made me promise to keep my word concerning the meal and drinks. Grrrrr...rrr..rrr.r... Really, its my pit fall. I am a person who tries my best to keep my promises to people. Sigh~ He had me at my balls. (erm~ if i have balls, teeheehee..).
Then he called again, asking what nature of business my company does. It turns out he's a sales person from a logistics company in Singapore, and want to speak to the person looking after import and exports. WTF?? This guy will not let go of any business sales opportunities?? *roll eyes* Reluctantly I passed on the call after checking with my colleagues (who advised him that due to recent restructuring of the business we will not require his company's services), and later on he called me again saying he want to come down to our office. HOH????? Why come??? I asked. He said, to see the person looking after import/export. hoh??? I said, Hey Eugene didn't my colleague advised you that we won't require of your services? ... So he said something lame like .. "Ok lah.. I wanted to see you, actually"... *roll eyes* OMG he is so damn lame.
Anyway, last evening he again messaged me om MSN about the lunch/dinner/drinks. Said he want to come and meet me for lunch today. I got rather anal about it and told him I am so NOT impressed with him. ----> So far I've never had any guy who solicited for meals from me and followup for it like the way he does!!! It's not even about dating me out, obviously!! If he is trying to get a date with me by helping me and making me buy him a meal, I am just not impressed - unless in the end he actually pays for the meal instead because he was just using that as an excuse to see me. On the other hand, if it is not about dating me but purely helping and expecting reward in return, I'd be happy to buy him a meal or drinks, but not if he did not even complete his end of the deal! GRrrrrrRRRRR...
Anyway, when I said I'm not impressed with him, his reply was shocking.
He said.. "you should be impressed, very impressed"..
I said.. "why? why should I?"
He said.. "because I am a retarded person."
I said.."REALLY???? Please do not joke with me"
He said.. "yes, really, I am not joking.."
"Why? are you disappointed? You despise me??"
I said.. "NO, OF COURSE NOT. There is nothing to be disappointed nor despise about"!!!
Awwww..... I feel bad. Wow, if he is really a retarded person, then Yes, I should be impressed that he is able to work as a sales person, able to speak fairly OK (for a retarded), able to handle computer software etc.. and I really should have more patience with him instead of being such a bitch (telling him to speak up else I'd loose my patience hehe..).. and I should be more gracious... and of course, lower expectations of his ability to behave like a gentleman or common sense etiquettes etc. NOT that I'll treat him with pity, but I will definetely go easy on him. Be kind to those less fortunate. (be kind to idiots, hehehe...)
That evening we did not chat further much, except that I agreed to meet him for lunch today - play it by ear.
So THIS MORNING, once I got into the office, I got a call from him. (later on, my colleagues informed me that there's this guy who speaks damn softly - to their irritation too - kept calling me in the morning and refused to leave his name).
I said.."Hi Good morning this is Vivian!" (my usual chirpy voice)
He said.. ".... ...... he....ll....oo..." (a weak slow hello)
I said.. "Oh hi, its you. Yes?"
He said.."..................."
I said, "Hello???"
He said.. "yes?"
MY GOD! I'm about to loose my patience!!! He called to keep quiet????
I said, "Hey, ... erm... what you said yesterday, is it true?"
He said.. "what?.."
I said.."about you being a retarded person?.."
He said.."Of course &%$%#*.. I was #*&^%@ kidding...."
I said.."HUH? Sorry?? Can't hear you clearly. you were kidding or NOT kidding??"
He said, "I'm kidding lah, of course, hahahaa..."
WHAT THE FUCK???? WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?????? !!!!
OH MY GOD!!! I AM SO DAMN PISSED OFF!!!!!
HE ACTUALLY HAD ME ON ABOUT HIM BEING A RETARDED PERSON???!!!
and I actually FELT BAD!!!! GrrrrrrrRRrrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrr.....
So I said, "What?? You're joking? IT IS SO NOT FUNNY!"
So he said, "Why? do you have problems with retarded people?"
I said, "No of course not. If you are retarded I will respect you as one, and will not be joking about it. Blah blah blah..." - anyway, I forgot what the whole lot of things I said, but I already blow.
Then he asked... Do you have a room?
So I said, Room? Nope. Are you talking about home? if home yes, I have a bedroom. In the office NO, I work out in the open with everyone. WHY?
He said, So that I can come an chiak chuah (eat snake -- which means skive instead of working)
I said, I am not a chuah (I'm not a snake). SORRY I can't help you.
So he went on about how he want to find a place to skive and was hoping that i work in an office of my own so he can come see me and skive in my office.
OMG! How unimpressive!!!!!!!!!! This guy is definitely getting over familiar with me. WTF.
Then he said, Hey... Saturday, can we meet later for the meal and drinks?
I said, sure, but what time is "late"?
He said.. hmmmm....let's meet for dinner,... then I go home... then meet again later for drinks.
Puzzled, I ask.. Why would you need to go home first? to bathe? to change into nightclub retro shirt?
His reply : Oh, I wanna go back to catch World Cup.
*roll eyes*
I said, Forget it lah, we can just have dinner and you can go home and watch your world cup.
He said, ... then drinks leh?
I said, Well, you can have your coffee with food lah!
He said, No no no.. you promised drinks at MOS.
Grrrrrr... this guy is really asking for too much.
Reluctantly I said.. Then drinks another day lor (regrets... regrets...regrets...)
In the afternonon he called again.
He said.. Hey, what kind of building is your office located in? Is it an industrial building?
I said, NOPE. I don't think so, just normal office building. Why?
He asked, Oh... what kind of companies are in your building? How many? Do they do import/export?
I got really annoyed, and said, HOW THE HELL WILL I KNOW??? and WHY are you asking?
He said, How can you not know? You work there don't you? I'm sure there's also a Directory Listing probably located at the lobby floor near the lift, you can find out just by going there to take a look. I wanna know because I want to see if I can go there and get some business so ask you to help lor....
THAT IS THE LAST STRAW.
So I raised my voice, and said - EXCUSE ME!!! I don't know and I don't bloody CARE what companies are located here. YOU DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK. And No, I am NOT helping you!
He said.."why? why cannot help?"
*ROLL EYES* I said, NO, I just won't help, OK??? OK????!!!??? I DON'T WANT to help!! I'm not helpful! Satisfied??
I can't remember how the conversation ended. But hahahahahhahaa... I never heard from him since.
What a jerk!
I rarely need to come to a point to treat anyone like that.
Geez.
Now I only wonder, come Saturday, is he gonna really want his meal and drinks?
Sheesh. I so wanna go back on my word.
Monday, June 05, 2006
05/06 . Awww~.. so romantic.. meow~
Hehe... so nice eh this pic? Grabbed it from a friend.
Note the words of the "poem", hahahahaha.. that's what friends are for?!!
I LOVE IT!!!!!!
Note the words of the "poem", hahahahaha.. that's what friends are for?!!
I LOVE IT!!!!!!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
04/06 . Pitter Patter Pittie Parttie
One of my favourite sports is SURFING.
Yes, surfing the channels on TV, hur-hur, lame yes I know, hehehee...
OK, was surfing channels and watching TV to kill time earlier and saw the Desparate Housewives trailer, OMG! Hmmm... I just think its so sexy when a man presses a woman against the wall with his body and strong hands, and then kiss her with raw passion till she's all jelly and erm.. hot - heeee.... visually that's such a turn on for me. *blush* Wonder how will it be like? Oh, OK but wait -- conditions : ONLY if this man is desirable or he's my lover. hehehe... I don't think I'll appreciate that from some smelly dirty horny old man/banglah/stranger.. haw haw haw..
Met a friend at 4.30pm for tea today at Jelita Cold Storage's O'Briens'. In the midst of the conversations she asked me how was things with me and Captain Hook. So I told her it had ended.. and related to her the circumstances leading to how it finally ends. She stopped me at one point and told me... I should not even have tried to call him to talk about ending the "friendship".... he was not treating me right and that is obvious. I should not carry on with a man who don't know how to treat me right nor give me the appropriate attention. As I think about what she said, my heart aches deeply. She's so right.. and she told me I should never allow a man to treat me this way again next time. She also reminded me, that men should be the ones calling - or at least they should be the ones doing most of the calling. And this reminded me why my ego was so bruised when my foreign friend did not call when he's in town. Even after we've finally established contact, I seem to be the one initiating most of the contact and sending messages. WTF? Sigh.... the stupid things I do to loose my dignity as a woman. *sobs* Why does it hurt so much? How to make it stop?
After tea, we parted ways around 6pm. Oh did I mention that the Peacan Pie was absolutely fabulous? Unwilling to head home yet, I walked around the place, and a sense of loneliness began to grip me deeply. Oh dear, I can't be left alone in my thoughts! Sigh, it'll pass - its' just emotions and a phase to go through, it happen to everyone at some point in their lives - I tell myself. I'll just have to cope with the loneliness and find a way to overcome it. Browsed around a clotheswear shop and bought a nice new crystal ear ring, S$22. Then walked into Times bookstore, and browse at what's new on the shelves. It's been a long time since I've picked up any novels or mysteries or thrillers to read. Maybe its time to do that again - immerse myself into another world created by the author. Then I caught sight of this book titled "He's just not that into you" - and I took a look inside (yes, I recall having read it briefly before.... when I bought it for a friend?) OOUUCCCCHHH!!! Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!!! The words cut right into me then and there.. and I was on the verge of tears, felt like I couldn't breathe. It was double blow dealt to me as I realised that for one, Captain Hook was not that into me -when he "fell ill" perpetually - and left me clueless and hanging while his usual attention for me fizzled off - till today, I don't know why nor what happen.... was there something wrong with me or did I do something wrong? Women tend to feel this way but I guess I shouldn't. Fine, anyway that is so over, I've walked away, I've moved on though the wound is still raw and takes time to heal.
Yet right now - the 2nd blow - there's another him that is also clearly not that into me (*DUH~ WAKE UP WOMAN! HE IS DEFINITELY NOT INTO YOU AND HE IS NOT AVAILBLE!!!) and I have been doing silly things again in positioning myself in vulnerable spots and risk getting my heart trodden over or carelessly smashed up. I must really stop myself from being so stupid and silly. Quoting another friend of mine - she reminded me that men will never cherish women who comes on to them. I believe she's right. Men are the hunters, the puppies (dogs).. they're the ones who chases afer the cats, hehehe... I guess I need to be a cat kind of woman, eh? However, it does seem kind of futile just sitting around to wait for men to ask you out. Hey I tried that - and now I'm 35 years, and still have not had a boyfriend. hehehhehehe... do I wait till 40? And yet I am so afraid that I am becoming desparate. Because you tend not to be selective when you are desparate.
Alas! but I just can't help being a trusting enthusiastic puppy most of the times. Though knowing I need to be so careful and cautious, knowing that I should hold back, be cool or distant, and restrain myself and not throw myself all over the man I like.. I still stupidly head for destruction - like a moth to a flame - towards those whom I favour or have a crush upon. So YES...., I've not been careful with my heart again, and now am licking my bruises and wounds., and no one is going to pity me. Yet, I still hold true to the philosophy that I'd rather regret what I've done, than to regret never tried. I also don't want to become so cautious that I become like a hermit crab that hides my whole life in the tiny shell. I also refuse to become a suspicious paranoid old dog that growls at everyone. But I hope that I will meet good people who will be nice to puppies. (Anyway, I would liken myself to be a cute sweet natured innocent puppy who runs out now and then for an adventure, and maybe becomes friendly with someone who seems nice... but if bullied or got myself injured or abused somehow, I'd probably run home with my tail between my legs and whine.. shiver and hide.. and howl at times.. till the pain is forgotten, till I'm brave enough to run outside again, this time slightly wiser. Then repeat from above again. hahahaaha... !) -- However I need to say this... there are a few guys who have been asking me out and wanting to explore the 'friendship' with me after a date - but... heh heh... no thanks. They're not my cup of tea, I'm sorry. I will still rather be single and without someoe to love me than to be in a wrong relationship or leading anyone on whenI have no intention in moving the freindship forward. Do unto others what you would others unto you.
Just thinking.. perhaps its time for me to keep a pet again. Well, I have so much love to give, yet no man to give to, so maybe it will be good to channel it to a pet eh? hahahaha... this is so KNS and full of shit. hahahaha... (and don't you DARE suggest me channeling my "love" to charity and be a volunteer at old folks homes or orphanages -grrrr I don't mean that kind of love!). Ever since my dearest precious darling Coffee, Powder & Meimei passed away, I did not wanna keep anymore hamsters nor pets. I did consider keeping a small dog, but that is more for dad - to keep him company and perhaps occupied since he had retired. Dad totally rejected that idea, saying he is too busy (coaching tennis & reading newspapers) so we never went ahead with it. But now, I think.. the pet is for me. Not sure if I really should, and if that is for a good or right reason... its clearly for selfish reasons, yet definitely if I have a pet, you can be assured that my pet will be doted upon ridiculously, heheheheeeee. Sigh.. a dog will be nice, he'll give me his attention and devotion and affection unconditionally. He will not think that I'm fat or ugly or wierd or out of this world. In fact, he will cuddle with me when I need a cuddle and hug, and will listen to my woes and comfort me in his sweet ways when I'm down. However, I think I'm still a cat person, heh heh. OHhhhhhh those big fat tom cats... how I long to have one of them. I want to see my cat grow from a kitten to a BIG FAT PUTTY TAT... like the nice fatty sleepy cat I posted earlier. Did you see it?
Sigh... I have been feeling so lonely lately, and so lonesome in my heart. Just can't stop feeling this way. There must be a cure. I badly wanna give love, love someone, and be loved in return. Wanted so much to have someone to cuddle with, to focus care and affection and attention. Maybe it is because I have tasted a little of it - when Captain Hook came on to me with his charming ways - and now, having that withdrawn from me really made me fell hard on my face. Just can't stop hoping to have someone to go out with, have meals, watch movies, do fun things, or just talk over coffee, exchange sms.. etc. Not that I can't do it with my buddies and girl friends.. but I guess, I crave for a man's affection and the sense of security he could give me. ARGH, I think something is wrong with with what I've just said. Just too tired to analyse it right now. I think a woman should not be depending on a man for her happiness, she needs to be able to live a full life and be happy being on her own. Right now, I think I still need to work at it. hahaha.. And to think of that.. I was not so miserable before I met Captain Hook. Anyway, this is part of growing up. If I want to experience real life.... I must not be afraid of pain. Oh, but it is really so damn painful....
I have to do something about feeling lonely. Denying that I feel lonely or numbing it out will not solve the problem. I really do feel lonely, very lonely. However, I refuse to allow myself to wallow in it. I must take actions to overcome it. Things I can do : I should go out, go to the gym and do plenty of exercising (- exercise helps put off depression), I should try calling friends who are available (who also might just be as lonely as I am) to go out for a movie or drinks or food or just meet to talk, I should go learn something new - Salsa or other dances, I MUST fill up my life. I must I must I must do that. I must get out of the dark shadows that constantly tells me that I'm lonely because I have no man in my life. NO. There must be a way to dispell this dark cloud.
And of course, I can blog. Blogging and writing is therapeutic for me. It is an outlet, and it will never get tired of listening to my repetitions, hehe.. Blogging helps me sort out my thoughts and sometimes my emotions as I express and put words and attach labels to how I am feeling. I can't express all, but even 30% will help. However, blogging can be lonely too, if no one reads... anyway, I guess primarily, I blog because I need to express myself. It is not to influence anyone nor impress anyone. At the same time, it helps to inform my friends and buddies - who care enough to read - how I've been doing and what's been going through my heart and mind. Of course not everyone has the patience, or habit or free time to read blogs. I'm happy if you call me anytime to ask me how have I been. I love a good talk, so I won't mind. Better still if you'll buy me lunch or coffee just to hear me out. hahahahahaha...
Sigh... but after writing so much... I still feel like crying~ *sobs*
OK. Snap out of it! Will think of happier things. It's exactly 9pm now. 3 more hours and it'll be midnite, the day will soon be over. Sleep a few hours more and a new work week begins. I'll at least have 40 hours minimum at the office having fun with work and colleagues.
I'll just need to keep living each day as it comes, cope the best way I can, and continue to believe that one day (soon, before I turn 40 or wrinkly or even more fugly?) I will be in the arms of the man I love, and be cherished, loved, and happy. And before that happens, I must learn to be happy and live a full life no matter what. Yeah, easier said than done. But I will try. And I will keep reminding myself.
In fact, when I woke up this morning (erm.. afternoon), I asked myself why would I want to stay alive? What am I living for? Do I have any hopes and keep me going??? If I am held at gunpoint, is there any reason I can give to justify why I need to be alive????? I regret to say, that other than knowing my friends and family will be devastated over my unfortunate demise, there is nothing I could think of that would make me wanna fight to stay alive (not like others who wanna be alive to see their love again, their children/babies or earn their 1st million). Probably, in addition.. I only have the deep regrets that I have let my parents down, that I won't see how handsome little David would become, ... and O dear~ I still owe my mum some money, plus some outstanding monthly financial committments (instalment for the laptop, gym locker, income tax & insurance premium - and the outstanding debts still in my name payable by LY and OA), and the fact that I died an old boyfriend-less virgin - wahahahahhaa.. and I could imagine... just before the bullet blow my brains up, I'd probably say "shucks, should have just gone ahead with Mr ABC when they asked if I wanna f**k.." kekekeke..
What happened to my self confidence? Suddenly I find myself in complete lack of it. It has crumbled totally. And now I greatly feared rejection so. I could even picture myself clutching a heart so fragile.. and anytime it will fall apart. Oh dear, how would I ever be attractive to any men by being a complete emotional wreck? I hate to feel this way.. and I hate to see myself as needy, insecure, fragile, weak, emotinally dependent, negative, discouraged, a puddle on the floor. Men these days probably no longer want nor look for soft fragile women whom they can protect, they go for the intelligent independent confident sexy women who can probably live without them, yet has that vulnerability and softness at the same time. Low maintenance high impact? Sigh.. is there hope for one such as me? Such quiet desperations. There will not be any answers anyway. If you ask people they'll just shout at you and say in their most encouraging tone "YES OF COURSE THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU!!!!!!... blah blah blah~..." Anywayzzzz.. I'll just have to carry on.. and make sure I get out of this hole.. and try to regain my confidence again. And a self reminder, being rejected by a man or if a man is not into you or if he chose to abandon you, does not mean you loose your worth. I am worthy. I am worth it. Just that not many have discovered me. -- no one will discover me for the next few months anyway, because I'll be cowering and shivering in the well... I the little frog in the well is going back into hiding. Sigh.. who will come and coax me out and rescue me? Who will reach out and touch my heart and help me believe the possibilities again? *looks around.... NO ONE IN SIGHT. Ok. time to hop into the well. (*hop, hop, leap........ SPLASH!.. sob-sob-sob).
OH~ Why am I so depressed? Must be the hormones - yeah, I'm having my menses that's why?!
OK, once again, I think too much. Will now go hug my bolster and cry a bit just to get it out of the system. Yes, its pity party, obviously. Yes, so here's where you finally see where I conjoured up the title of this post "Pitter Patter Pittie Partie". My tear drops goes pitter patter like falling rain. Awwwwwwww...~, I do feel so sorry for myself!
GONNA GIVE MYSELF SOME HUGS.. *self hug*
May I be all sunny again tomorrow. No more tears...
Yes, surfing the channels on TV, hur-hur, lame yes I know, hehehee...
OK, was surfing channels and watching TV to kill time earlier and saw the Desparate Housewives trailer, OMG! Hmmm... I just think its so sexy when a man presses a woman against the wall with his body and strong hands, and then kiss her with raw passion till she's all jelly and erm.. hot - heeee.... visually that's such a turn on for me. *blush* Wonder how will it be like? Oh, OK but wait -- conditions : ONLY if this man is desirable or he's my lover. hehehe... I don't think I'll appreciate that from some smelly dirty horny old man/banglah/stranger.. haw haw haw..
Met a friend at 4.30pm for tea today at Jelita Cold Storage's O'Briens'. In the midst of the conversations she asked me how was things with me and Captain Hook. So I told her it had ended.. and related to her the circumstances leading to how it finally ends. She stopped me at one point and told me... I should not even have tried to call him to talk about ending the "friendship".... he was not treating me right and that is obvious. I should not carry on with a man who don't know how to treat me right nor give me the appropriate attention. As I think about what she said, my heart aches deeply. She's so right.. and she told me I should never allow a man to treat me this way again next time. She also reminded me, that men should be the ones calling - or at least they should be the ones doing most of the calling. And this reminded me why my ego was so bruised when my foreign friend did not call when he's in town. Even after we've finally established contact, I seem to be the one initiating most of the contact and sending messages. WTF? Sigh.... the stupid things I do to loose my dignity as a woman. *sobs* Why does it hurt so much? How to make it stop?
After tea, we parted ways around 6pm. Oh did I mention that the Peacan Pie was absolutely fabulous? Unwilling to head home yet, I walked around the place, and a sense of loneliness began to grip me deeply. Oh dear, I can't be left alone in my thoughts! Sigh, it'll pass - its' just emotions and a phase to go through, it happen to everyone at some point in their lives - I tell myself. I'll just have to cope with the loneliness and find a way to overcome it. Browsed around a clotheswear shop and bought a nice new crystal ear ring, S$22. Then walked into Times bookstore, and browse at what's new on the shelves. It's been a long time since I've picked up any novels or mysteries or thrillers to read. Maybe its time to do that again - immerse myself into another world created by the author. Then I caught sight of this book titled "He's just not that into you" - and I took a look inside (yes, I recall having read it briefly before.... when I bought it for a friend?) OOUUCCCCHHH!!! Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!!! The words cut right into me then and there.. and I was on the verge of tears, felt like I couldn't breathe. It was double blow dealt to me as I realised that for one, Captain Hook was not that into me -when he "fell ill" perpetually - and left me clueless and hanging while his usual attention for me fizzled off - till today, I don't know why nor what happen.... was there something wrong with me or did I do something wrong? Women tend to feel this way but I guess I shouldn't. Fine, anyway that is so over, I've walked away, I've moved on though the wound is still raw and takes time to heal.
Yet right now - the 2nd blow - there's another him that is also clearly not that into me (*DUH~ WAKE UP WOMAN! HE IS DEFINITELY NOT INTO YOU AND HE IS NOT AVAILBLE!!!) and I have been doing silly things again in positioning myself in vulnerable spots and risk getting my heart trodden over or carelessly smashed up. I must really stop myself from being so stupid and silly. Quoting another friend of mine - she reminded me that men will never cherish women who comes on to them. I believe she's right. Men are the hunters, the puppies (dogs).. they're the ones who chases afer the cats, hehehe... I guess I need to be a cat kind of woman, eh? However, it does seem kind of futile just sitting around to wait for men to ask you out. Hey I tried that - and now I'm 35 years, and still have not had a boyfriend. hehehhehehe... do I wait till 40? And yet I am so afraid that I am becoming desparate. Because you tend not to be selective when you are desparate.
Alas! but I just can't help being a trusting enthusiastic puppy most of the times. Though knowing I need to be so careful and cautious, knowing that I should hold back, be cool or distant, and restrain myself and not throw myself all over the man I like.. I still stupidly head for destruction - like a moth to a flame - towards those whom I favour or have a crush upon. So YES...., I've not been careful with my heart again, and now am licking my bruises and wounds., and no one is going to pity me. Yet, I still hold true to the philosophy that I'd rather regret what I've done, than to regret never tried. I also don't want to become so cautious that I become like a hermit crab that hides my whole life in the tiny shell. I also refuse to become a suspicious paranoid old dog that growls at everyone. But I hope that I will meet good people who will be nice to puppies. (Anyway, I would liken myself to be a cute sweet natured innocent puppy who runs out now and then for an adventure, and maybe becomes friendly with someone who seems nice... but if bullied or got myself injured or abused somehow, I'd probably run home with my tail between my legs and whine.. shiver and hide.. and howl at times.. till the pain is forgotten, till I'm brave enough to run outside again, this time slightly wiser. Then repeat from above again. hahahaaha... !) -- However I need to say this... there are a few guys who have been asking me out and wanting to explore the 'friendship' with me after a date - but... heh heh... no thanks. They're not my cup of tea, I'm sorry. I will still rather be single and without someoe to love me than to be in a wrong relationship or leading anyone on whenI have no intention in moving the freindship forward. Do unto others what you would others unto you.
Just thinking.. perhaps its time for me to keep a pet again. Well, I have so much love to give, yet no man to give to, so maybe it will be good to channel it to a pet eh? hahahaha... this is so KNS and full of shit. hahahaha... (and don't you DARE suggest me channeling my "love" to charity and be a volunteer at old folks homes or orphanages -grrrr I don't mean that kind of love!). Ever since my dearest precious darling Coffee, Powder & Meimei passed away, I did not wanna keep anymore hamsters nor pets. I did consider keeping a small dog, but that is more for dad - to keep him company and perhaps occupied since he had retired. Dad totally rejected that idea, saying he is too busy (coaching tennis & reading newspapers) so we never went ahead with it. But now, I think.. the pet is for me. Not sure if I really should, and if that is for a good or right reason... its clearly for selfish reasons, yet definitely if I have a pet, you can be assured that my pet will be doted upon ridiculously, heheheheeeee. Sigh.. a dog will be nice, he'll give me his attention and devotion and affection unconditionally. He will not think that I'm fat or ugly or wierd or out of this world. In fact, he will cuddle with me when I need a cuddle and hug, and will listen to my woes and comfort me in his sweet ways when I'm down. However, I think I'm still a cat person, heh heh. OHhhhhhh those big fat tom cats... how I long to have one of them. I want to see my cat grow from a kitten to a BIG FAT PUTTY TAT... like the nice fatty sleepy cat I posted earlier. Did you see it?
Sigh... I have been feeling so lonely lately, and so lonesome in my heart. Just can't stop feeling this way. There must be a cure. I badly wanna give love, love someone, and be loved in return. Wanted so much to have someone to cuddle with, to focus care and affection and attention. Maybe it is because I have tasted a little of it - when Captain Hook came on to me with his charming ways - and now, having that withdrawn from me really made me fell hard on my face. Just can't stop hoping to have someone to go out with, have meals, watch movies, do fun things, or just talk over coffee, exchange sms.. etc. Not that I can't do it with my buddies and girl friends.. but I guess, I crave for a man's affection and the sense of security he could give me. ARGH, I think something is wrong with with what I've just said. Just too tired to analyse it right now. I think a woman should not be depending on a man for her happiness, she needs to be able to live a full life and be happy being on her own. Right now, I think I still need to work at it. hahaha.. And to think of that.. I was not so miserable before I met Captain Hook. Anyway, this is part of growing up. If I want to experience real life.... I must not be afraid of pain. Oh, but it is really so damn painful....
I have to do something about feeling lonely. Denying that I feel lonely or numbing it out will not solve the problem. I really do feel lonely, very lonely. However, I refuse to allow myself to wallow in it. I must take actions to overcome it. Things I can do : I should go out, go to the gym and do plenty of exercising (- exercise helps put off depression), I should try calling friends who are available (who also might just be as lonely as I am) to go out for a movie or drinks or food or just meet to talk, I should go learn something new - Salsa or other dances, I MUST fill up my life. I must I must I must do that. I must get out of the dark shadows that constantly tells me that I'm lonely because I have no man in my life. NO. There must be a way to dispell this dark cloud.
And of course, I can blog. Blogging and writing is therapeutic for me. It is an outlet, and it will never get tired of listening to my repetitions, hehe.. Blogging helps me sort out my thoughts and sometimes my emotions as I express and put words and attach labels to how I am feeling. I can't express all, but even 30% will help. However, blogging can be lonely too, if no one reads... anyway, I guess primarily, I blog because I need to express myself. It is not to influence anyone nor impress anyone. At the same time, it helps to inform my friends and buddies - who care enough to read - how I've been doing and what's been going through my heart and mind. Of course not everyone has the patience, or habit or free time to read blogs. I'm happy if you call me anytime to ask me how have I been. I love a good talk, so I won't mind. Better still if you'll buy me lunch or coffee just to hear me out. hahahahahaha...
Sigh... but after writing so much... I still feel like crying~ *sobs*
OK. Snap out of it! Will think of happier things. It's exactly 9pm now. 3 more hours and it'll be midnite, the day will soon be over. Sleep a few hours more and a new work week begins. I'll at least have 40 hours minimum at the office having fun with work and colleagues.
I'll just need to keep living each day as it comes, cope the best way I can, and continue to believe that one day (soon, before I turn 40 or wrinkly or even more fugly?) I will be in the arms of the man I love, and be cherished, loved, and happy. And before that happens, I must learn to be happy and live a full life no matter what. Yeah, easier said than done. But I will try. And I will keep reminding myself.
In fact, when I woke up this morning (erm.. afternoon), I asked myself why would I want to stay alive? What am I living for? Do I have any hopes and keep me going??? If I am held at gunpoint, is there any reason I can give to justify why I need to be alive????? I regret to say, that other than knowing my friends and family will be devastated over my unfortunate demise, there is nothing I could think of that would make me wanna fight to stay alive (not like others who wanna be alive to see their love again, their children/babies or earn their 1st million). Probably, in addition.. I only have the deep regrets that I have let my parents down, that I won't see how handsome little David would become, ... and O dear~ I still owe my mum some money, plus some outstanding monthly financial committments (instalment for the laptop, gym locker, income tax & insurance premium - and the outstanding debts still in my name payable by LY and OA), and the fact that I died an old boyfriend-less virgin - wahahahahhaa.. and I could imagine... just before the bullet blow my brains up, I'd probably say "shucks, should have just gone ahead with Mr ABC when they asked if I wanna f**k.." kekekeke..
What happened to my self confidence? Suddenly I find myself in complete lack of it. It has crumbled totally. And now I greatly feared rejection so. I could even picture myself clutching a heart so fragile.. and anytime it will fall apart. Oh dear, how would I ever be attractive to any men by being a complete emotional wreck? I hate to feel this way.. and I hate to see myself as needy, insecure, fragile, weak, emotinally dependent, negative, discouraged, a puddle on the floor. Men these days probably no longer want nor look for soft fragile women whom they can protect, they go for the intelligent independent confident sexy women who can probably live without them, yet has that vulnerability and softness at the same time. Low maintenance high impact? Sigh.. is there hope for one such as me? Such quiet desperations. There will not be any answers anyway. If you ask people they'll just shout at you and say in their most encouraging tone "YES OF COURSE THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU!!!!!!... blah blah blah~..." Anywayzzzz.. I'll just have to carry on.. and make sure I get out of this hole.. and try to regain my confidence again. And a self reminder, being rejected by a man or if a man is not into you or if he chose to abandon you, does not mean you loose your worth. I am worthy. I am worth it. Just that not many have discovered me. -- no one will discover me for the next few months anyway, because I'll be cowering and shivering in the well... I the little frog in the well is going back into hiding. Sigh.. who will come and coax me out and rescue me? Who will reach out and touch my heart and help me believe the possibilities again? *looks around.... NO ONE IN SIGHT. Ok. time to hop into the well. (*hop, hop, leap........ SPLASH!.. sob-sob-sob).
OH~ Why am I so depressed? Must be the hormones - yeah, I'm having my menses that's why?!
OK, once again, I think too much. Will now go hug my bolster and cry a bit just to get it out of the system. Yes, its pity party, obviously. Yes, so here's where you finally see where I conjoured up the title of this post "Pitter Patter Pittie Partie". My tear drops goes pitter patter like falling rain. Awwwwwwww...~, I do feel so sorry for myself!
GONNA GIVE MYSELF SOME HUGS.. *self hug*
May I be all sunny again tomorrow. No more tears...
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