Yay~!! Tweetie is now back on Yahoo 360... and this time it has been so much fun!
I made new friends, and they have been a fun and interesting lot. I am also truly glad that Carol, aka Princess, is still there, and with me back, she started to be active on her page again!
I had began blogging fun and this time it is different. This time it is for me. Yes, though I still will not speak much of what really was between Paul and me, -- Yup, bcos Hani is still watching, bcos he will blame me for triggering anything that might lead Hani to walk off in anger, and Hani might do nasty stuff like writing poison letters once again to Maria and his kids will be hurt. Why should I be the culprit? Sigh, its not worth it. I'll retreat & turn the other cheek once again. I still care for him and it will not give me pleasure to play any part in anything that will hurt his family. Neither will I wanna make him lose the Hani that he can't seem to live without. Ok enough about them already!
I am very happy with my new friends... they are sweet people and some are funky, some talented writers, some who are true to themselves ... and some sexy, nice and naughty~!!!! HAHA!! I really love my new friends. Most of all, I am having good fun.
In the past, I was there because Paul said he wanted me to, he said it would be boring without me, he said he loves me and want me to be on his page. And I was there... waiting for him to come by my page, dying to express all my love but can't, and then the place just became a place of power struggle for his attention and affection. It was such a bad experience, especially with people like Sue who at first plays the spy and the evil one who wants to bait me into joining adult friendship sites so I could get fucked by immoral men. Geez!!!
Now, my new friends .... they are neutral parties. They will get to know me more and more as day grows. I feel optimistic, and I feel free. I feel really happy. I am enjoying the blogging I do there. And perhaps some of them can become real friends with me outside of Yahoo 360 pages~!
And now, let me get back there to see if anyone has drop me a comment or tag! ^^ Yay, here comes Tweetie~!!!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
21/02 . Moving tweetie talk again sigh..
Yes, as the title suggests, I'm moving tweetie talk, my precious blog, once again. Tweetie needs to chirp or tweet its feeble woeful cheeeps in private, this time, really away from him... something I had been dragging my feet to do. *sobs*
I think this time I am ending my contact with Paul for good.
I had still kept it open for friendship, more bcos i love him and didn't wanna just end up strangers with him, and hoping that one day our love will still come true, maybe.
But, I had a few exchanges of emails and chat with him ... sigh, and ended up in pain again.
I was soft in the knees again on Valentines day though, he sent me a really realy nice ecard, I cried when it played on screen. But after i've gotten over being emotional, I wondered if the same card was sent to Hani. OUCH.
Also, recently i started a new page in yahoo 360, and in my 1st blog post there, I wrote something that aimed at Hani. I know she will be stalking me. I was just hoping she won't find me, yet will still state my declaration asking her to get off my back, stop sneaking around for info, just ask me straight. When I drop by Carol's page to say hi to her, I do think that the possibility of Hani still surveying for me on that page is there, but I actually shake the thought off. I don't want to be intimidated anymore!!!!
However, Yes, Hani found me. She was still having surveillance on Carol's page, and saw my greeting, and found me. She saw my challenge to her, blew up, and now Paul is fearful that she'll contact me, i'll tell it all, she'll do some poison letter thing to M, and M will be hysterical, the kids will be hurt. Paul will shutdown, cut everyone off and never be in contact again.
Sigh, i guess I backed down. heart broken, shattered.
yup, he wins, they all win.
I won't ever want the kids to be hurt, and it all begins with me.
The best thing for me to do, is to disappear from his life. No he don't want that, but NOW it is me who wants it.
He is now a source of emotional toxic to me. Hani and him. I need to detox and breathe again. Its an abusive relationship. He is manipulating me but he don't know it. He was telling me that he is not stopping me, bcos he understand, but those will be the consequences... etc. HAH! that is blackmail and that is manipulation. But yes, i surrender. You don't hurt the people you claim to love. I won't hurt him. By me vanishing, everything will be just fine for him. And for me, I will be happier again. He made me happy with his love, but now things have changed. He admitted to still having feelings for Hani, a connection he can't define. She's someone he never wanna lose. He felt he love me more and also has the special connection. Sigh, sorry, i want to be loved exclusively. I don't want this relationship anymore, not even friendship. Can i really be successful in walking out this time? I hope. I hope I have the will to do so.
I wanted to delete Yahoo 360 again that night. But I guess, I will bet on Hani not contacting me. If she did, I'll just have to ignore her. As for 360, I think I can still make new friends and good friends without her shadow hovering...... I'll still keep it.
As for this blog, I decided to move it again. I need to pour my heart out without fearing I'll hurt him if he reads this. sigh.
I'm sad for me. I'm sorry for me.
Hopefully I'll be happy and glad for me soon for ending it all. Finally.
Urgh, there's still the Valentines Day card he sent on the way, it'll arrive probably this weekend.... and the box of gifts sent from his kids. And perhaps the Locket he bought for me. I guess I need to be connected at least to send my thanks... When I'm done saying my thank yous... I will vanish. I will stay away from him.
Apathy starts today.
I think this time I am ending my contact with Paul for good.
I had still kept it open for friendship, more bcos i love him and didn't wanna just end up strangers with him, and hoping that one day our love will still come true, maybe.
But, I had a few exchanges of emails and chat with him ... sigh, and ended up in pain again.
I was soft in the knees again on Valentines day though, he sent me a really realy nice ecard, I cried when it played on screen. But after i've gotten over being emotional, I wondered if the same card was sent to Hani. OUCH.
Also, recently i started a new page in yahoo 360, and in my 1st blog post there, I wrote something that aimed at Hani. I know she will be stalking me. I was just hoping she won't find me, yet will still state my declaration asking her to get off my back, stop sneaking around for info, just ask me straight. When I drop by Carol's page to say hi to her, I do think that the possibility of Hani still surveying for me on that page is there, but I actually shake the thought off. I don't want to be intimidated anymore!!!!
However, Yes, Hani found me. She was still having surveillance on Carol's page, and saw my greeting, and found me. She saw my challenge to her, blew up, and now Paul is fearful that she'll contact me, i'll tell it all, she'll do some poison letter thing to M, and M will be hysterical, the kids will be hurt. Paul will shutdown, cut everyone off and never be in contact again.
Sigh, i guess I backed down. heart broken, shattered.
yup, he wins, they all win.
I won't ever want the kids to be hurt, and it all begins with me.
The best thing for me to do, is to disappear from his life. No he don't want that, but NOW it is me who wants it.
He is now a source of emotional toxic to me. Hani and him. I need to detox and breathe again. Its an abusive relationship. He is manipulating me but he don't know it. He was telling me that he is not stopping me, bcos he understand, but those will be the consequences... etc. HAH! that is blackmail and that is manipulation. But yes, i surrender. You don't hurt the people you claim to love. I won't hurt him. By me vanishing, everything will be just fine for him. And for me, I will be happier again. He made me happy with his love, but now things have changed. He admitted to still having feelings for Hani, a connection he can't define. She's someone he never wanna lose. He felt he love me more and also has the special connection. Sigh, sorry, i want to be loved exclusively. I don't want this relationship anymore, not even friendship. Can i really be successful in walking out this time? I hope. I hope I have the will to do so.
I wanted to delete Yahoo 360 again that night. But I guess, I will bet on Hani not contacting me. If she did, I'll just have to ignore her. As for 360, I think I can still make new friends and good friends without her shadow hovering...... I'll still keep it.
As for this blog, I decided to move it again. I need to pour my heart out without fearing I'll hurt him if he reads this. sigh.
I'm sad for me. I'm sorry for me.
Hopefully I'll be happy and glad for me soon for ending it all. Finally.
Urgh, there's still the Valentines Day card he sent on the way, it'll arrive probably this weekend.... and the box of gifts sent from his kids. And perhaps the Locket he bought for me. I guess I need to be connected at least to send my thanks... When I'm done saying my thank yous... I will vanish. I will stay away from him.
Apathy starts today.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
01/02 . Tweetie shall chirp again!
Today is 1st February.... the beginning of a new month.
Yes, today I end my depression over the failure of my 1st romantic relationship... one that I have fully immersed myself in for the past 6 months. In fact, 2 more days and it would have been our 7th month anniversary... I'm sad that we didn't even made it to one year. But I cannot imagine dragging the pain on to one year either.
Read some self-help articles and books past few days and begin to feel stronger within my emotions and mind. Yes, I need to find happiness within myself again, be happy with being who I am, be happy with my own company. I will not hold him responsible for my happiness nor the pain I have been going through anymore, and will nolonger look longingly for the closed door to be opened. It's time to stand tall, walk away, be strong, be happy, be me. I will not weep over him anymore.. (yeah.. I hope so hahahaa.. just last night i was still sobbing in my room, sigh...).
And I will not act like victim, will not let him know how I was suffering, because I don't want him to see this pathetic side of me, nor want him to love me out of sympathy nor guilt. I'm letting it all free, letting it all go, and not gonna agonise over who gets the man anymore. That's the beauty of releasing and letting go. I was holding on too tightly to what doesn't belong to me. I see it now. Anyway, I know that I have compromised far enough and did enough for my love for him. I need someone who loves me, is committed to me and devoted to me willingly, as I would do likewise. Time to look at local solutions instead of dreaming and building hopes and believing in a fairy tale. No matter how much he says he loves me, its really a fantasy till he has proven it with real action. till now... sadly, its all talk and excuses of why he can't deliver his promises. Ok, won't think about them anymore. I will forget what he has promised me.
So, time to stock up on books to read (or hit the library weekly!), time to find some stuff to fill up my time, and time to get to know new people. Alvin has been really sweet, and I quite like him. But will not place too much hope in it. The waves have swept in some interesting guys... and I might explore them bwahahahhaa... but of course, selectively. I will also be taking up Salsa Dancing classes with SH in March, that might be fun... just trying to coordinate my limbs and proof I can't salsa!!!!. That will be something to blog about, eh?
Cupcake wrote me a mail today... sigh.. I'm glad. Sent him a nice reply, told him i'm fine and happy so there's no need for him to worry. Told him he don't need to read my blog too... I guess, let those who really do care read it. It doesn't matter anymore. Yes, honestly i'll be really touched and be moved if he read it, but since he repeated told me it hurts to read, then its ok.. Anyway, it was not aimed at him in the first place. It was not written for him to read. But it will surely help him understand what he put me through (ok i will take responsibility too) ... sigh... disappointment. I'm truly discouraged in this relationship. My first boyfriend. Yes, still love him. Yes, he'll always be special. I still smile when i think of him and those nice times we had. I will remember him that way. Beautiful things about him and the sweet way he won my heart.
I will be stronger with each new day, and soon, all this will be behind me. It's for the best.
I've grown so much during the past year... 2006 has been a tremendous roller coaster ride. I am grateful for it... It shaped me further, and I will be better and not bitter. I will take the time to let the wounds heal, and I will be even more beautiful. I have known love... tasted love... given for love. I am contented. And now, NEXT! hahahaha
I will have wine tonight to celebrate my life... I am worth it!~
It's time I get my groove back! Tweetie chirps again !!!
Yes, I love you Paul. I love you.
I will still miss you and think of you.
Thanks for being my 1st boyfriend....
(the only regret i have is... i wish we had made love... )
Take good care....
Yes, today I end my depression over the failure of my 1st romantic relationship... one that I have fully immersed myself in for the past 6 months. In fact, 2 more days and it would have been our 7th month anniversary... I'm sad that we didn't even made it to one year. But I cannot imagine dragging the pain on to one year either.
Read some self-help articles and books past few days and begin to feel stronger within my emotions and mind. Yes, I need to find happiness within myself again, be happy with being who I am, be happy with my own company. I will not hold him responsible for my happiness nor the pain I have been going through anymore, and will nolonger look longingly for the closed door to be opened. It's time to stand tall, walk away, be strong, be happy, be me. I will not weep over him anymore.. (yeah.. I hope so hahahaa.. just last night i was still sobbing in my room, sigh...).
And I will not act like victim, will not let him know how I was suffering, because I don't want him to see this pathetic side of me, nor want him to love me out of sympathy nor guilt. I'm letting it all free, letting it all go, and not gonna agonise over who gets the man anymore. That's the beauty of releasing and letting go. I was holding on too tightly to what doesn't belong to me. I see it now. Anyway, I know that I have compromised far enough and did enough for my love for him. I need someone who loves me, is committed to me and devoted to me willingly, as I would do likewise. Time to look at local solutions instead of dreaming and building hopes and believing in a fairy tale. No matter how much he says he loves me, its really a fantasy till he has proven it with real action. till now... sadly, its all talk and excuses of why he can't deliver his promises. Ok, won't think about them anymore. I will forget what he has promised me.
So, time to stock up on books to read (or hit the library weekly!), time to find some stuff to fill up my time, and time to get to know new people. Alvin has been really sweet, and I quite like him. But will not place too much hope in it. The waves have swept in some interesting guys... and I might explore them bwahahahhaa... but of course, selectively. I will also be taking up Salsa Dancing classes with SH in March, that might be fun... just trying to coordinate my limbs and proof I can't salsa!!!!. That will be something to blog about, eh?
Cupcake wrote me a mail today... sigh.. I'm glad. Sent him a nice reply, told him i'm fine and happy so there's no need for him to worry. Told him he don't need to read my blog too... I guess, let those who really do care read it. It doesn't matter anymore. Yes, honestly i'll be really touched and be moved if he read it, but since he repeated told me it hurts to read, then its ok.. Anyway, it was not aimed at him in the first place. It was not written for him to read. But it will surely help him understand what he put me through (ok i will take responsibility too) ... sigh... disappointment. I'm truly discouraged in this relationship. My first boyfriend. Yes, still love him. Yes, he'll always be special. I still smile when i think of him and those nice times we had. I will remember him that way. Beautiful things about him and the sweet way he won my heart.
I will be stronger with each new day, and soon, all this will be behind me. It's for the best.
I've grown so much during the past year... 2006 has been a tremendous roller coaster ride. I am grateful for it... It shaped me further, and I will be better and not bitter. I will take the time to let the wounds heal, and I will be even more beautiful. I have known love... tasted love... given for love. I am contented. And now, NEXT! hahahaha
I will have wine tonight to celebrate my life... I am worth it!~
It's time I get my groove back! Tweetie chirps again !!!
Yes, I love you Paul. I love you.
I will still miss you and think of you.
Thanks for being my 1st boyfriend....
(the only regret i have is... i wish we had made love... )
Take good care....
01/02 . Baby Daniel is born!
Yay~!!! Just got news from my darling brother that my 2nd nephew is born! Erm... well, just some info overload... he's born 1st Feb 2007, 9.15pm, 3.225kg. YAY!!!!!!!!!
Wow, what a fabulous day it has been! A celebration of life!
I love you already, baby Daniel!
Hug-hug from Aunty Viv!!!
I'll post a pic of you here soon, I promise!
Wow, what a fabulous day it has been! A celebration of life!
I love you already, baby Daniel!
Hug-hug from Aunty Viv!!!
I'll post a pic of you here soon, I promise!
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