31/08 . Yes, news from him at last but....

The sleeping pill i took seemed to work. I woke in the afternoon. HAHA! Actually, i woke in the morning, and head spinning, feeling drugged, hence sent a message to the office that I'm taking half day off.

Got in to the office and to my surprise, an email from him.

Tears flow from my eyes as I read those words, no matter how light hearted he had tried to make it sound. It is clear that he will not pursue anything more than a close friendship with me. Though he said "for now".. but then he also said "for sure things will not change at his end, and I should spread my wings and fly". I guess i posseess the intelligence to understand that indeed I have been dumped. Not the type of "dumped" as in gone. Its the type that says, let's just be friends.

I am not able to think straight nor see things positively.

What made it worse... was... Well, curiosity kills the cat.
Went to Yahoo 360 and realised that he's back and the 2 friends there originally are back there too. And he didn't send me an invite. He said, he can add me if i like. So, it is if I WANT, may not be what he want, right? Is that patronising me?
Next, I went to look at both friend's pages too... realised that it was only 41 and 44 minutes ago that he has been leaving nice flirts and comments on their page. None on mine. Jealousy rise in my heart, of course tears roll too. Because one of the friends is hani of course.
He is not at work? he is home? and no sms from him, and just an email from him he wrote 3am last night?

Then I saw Hani has another blog, from her page.. and went to take a look.
Well, of course I wouldn't like it to see how she had talked about me - a stupid thing for me to do. As I say, curiosity kills the cat.
And then, I saw their pics together. boy he still look so charming, and they looked really happy together. Sadness filled my heart as i recall my time with him in London and the couple pics I took with him. Seemed like its been just a dream, and now I've been awaken from it, and what i see is reality. this reminded me of Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. What a horrible thing to return to reality, to realise that you have been defaced?

Have I been mindfucked again? Have I been played out?

Have I really been loved by this man?

I had been so happy in his arms, so assured of his love, so contented in his love, so pained by the separation of distance, so impatient to wait for the day we can really be open about our love.

But now, he has pulled the plug from my life support machine. Or was it just my perspective? I really do not want to blame him, but it does sound like I am. Hahaha, yeah, I think i am blaming him by saying that. sheeeeesh! He should not be made to feel that my happiness depends on him. that will be exhausting!

I could not hate him, because he is a trapped man. He is trapped by 2 woman who yells and screams and intimidates and threatens, and all he need is peace and stability. By making the decision he did, he has now the best of both worlds, killing 2 birds with one stone, and I have been sacrificed. It sounds nice that he did it because he dont' want to keep me back. But he has forgotten that I love him. My love does not center around me. But I will not force myself down any man's throat.

I don't know if I can continue to be in close contact without loving him. And i don't think I can be in contact knowing he has chosen not to love me as a Lover, as a woman he wants to marry in future. He has been my soulmate, my dream guy in many sense, and I know I will always be in love with him as long as we carry on in contact, and I will always be jealous of his closeness with Hani because I care that much about him. In fact, I had plan to meet him in November after my meeting in Europe, and make love to him... knowing that he loves me truly.

After reading Hani's blog in blogspot, I do feel very misunderstood. I realise that Phil has said things about me too. I am now just trying not to think too much into it, because those would be destructive thoughts.

Paul, why? Why have you not contacted me yet? Why have you not sms me or call me yet? Why have you made me wait?

It'll be nice for me to email the couple pics of me and him to Hani isn't it? hahahahaha
But I guess not. I am higher and more noble than that. You don't hurt the people you love. And be reminded, what you sow is what you will reap. I choose to sow love, sow peace, sow blessings.

I don't know how it will end. Will it be goodbye for a while, goodbye forever, or good friends still. Or will we find it impossible to stop loving, and agree to work towards our future though it may seem far, though it may take 3 years or 5 years? I guess the ball is in his court. I will no longer ask him these questions. He needs to be able to think about it himself and make his own decision. If he is the man that allows the woman in his life to dictate him, then he already has hani and Maria and don't need me. I prefer to have my man be my shelter and my master. And prefer that he cherishes and esteem me above all other women, even if it means he will need to make sacrifices or lose it.

In the bible there are some parables.. though its not what Jesus is talking about.. hahahaa but I feel the analogy does apply :
A man knows that a precious treasure is in a field. To possess that treasure, he sold off all his other fields, to purchase this one field. Sometimes, wanting something you treasure might mean letting go of other things... to achieve ones goals means sacrifices.

Yet I know he is only human. I will not expect him to be perfect. Therefore I understand and will have compassion, and I forgive him for the decision that he had to make. Yes, it hurts me, and yes I will lay down any self-protective or offensive weapons, will not take revenge, and will grieve over what I have lost. I grieve that the dreams I weaved together with him about the future may never come to pass.

Sigh..
We've talked about catching movies together, walks in the park, bedroom fun, traveling to Czech / Prague, trying new things together, best companion for life, soulmate & best friends forever, and perhaps I will have his baby. We may not have too much to spend but we will be happy and work it out, brave the storms together. And when I can't sleep he'll be there to hold me and stroke my hair till I fall asleep,when I am sick he'll be there to read to me and sit by my bedside, when I am sad or in pain he will hug me tight so I know I never have to be afraid or lonely no more. I believed... I do... i believed it with all my heart... though knowing I was being naive.. yet i know he meant it when he was saying it.

Those were the dreams that kept me going... that gave the strength and courage to hold on for him. Because I knew he meant it. We even talked about starting a blog where we can put up our pictures and write about our feelings for each other, and he said he'll start spending more time to talk to me, because it is important in an LDF (long distance relationship)...

He had said.. he'll want to sort things out in his life... Hani... career... maria & kids. And he did said he'll wanna try to sort out things with Hani by year end. Yet... when this issue happened unexpectedly --though sparked off by my moment of cheap thrill (just wanted to tickle Hani's hypersensitive mind) -- he told Hani he'll just want to remain friends, and Hani deleted him from her life.. at least online. Though I feel very bad about it, yet... his chasing after her and now flirting back with her only proved to me that he was probably not intending to "sort things out by year end". Things ended earlier by 4 months and he resurrected it. Tell me what to think? But giving him the benefit of doubts, perhaps he has a more long term plan in mind.

but in my immature and narrow perspective, he enjoys her love and never want to lose it. Anyway I wasn't wanting him to cut Hani off, I only needed him to let Hani have the right understanding that they are not in a relationship anymore, so that he can be free to be in an open relationship with me. And that is only one issue. there is also maria. But I guess, that one will be the most dicey. However, I am willing to wait it out, because he is making the efforts. I am willing to be there with him as he work out all these issues. I don't blame him, sigh... I just have too high and unrealistic expectations, and must have given him undue pressure.

But bottom line, right now...
I know that he has chosen status quo. He has chosen let things go back to how they were.

Yet I do feel, I have probably totally misunderstood him.
Therefore, I will listen to his explanations with an open mind. But I'm glad I have my point of view. And I know, I am in confusion, and I don't know if I trust him anymore.

31/08 . Verge of giving up

Just ate a sleeping pill... Xanax.. label says, "Help to relax, anti-anxiety and anti-stress" -- just what I need. Supposed to take half, I pop the whole thing and down it with water. I think I need to be totally knocked out to stop all those thoughts and emotions.

Mum cooked dinner tonight, and I came home from work late... well... correction: Came home from office late. Have not done much work, honestly. Blogged a few entries to help straighten thoughts and emotions. Without it I don't know what kind of an emotional wreck would I be by now.

Took a very long shower.. the hot water was therapeutic. Scrub my body and took my time to let the water relax the tense muscles, especially my neck. It has been really really bad with sharp deep piercing pain. I just couldn't seem to relax it. Can't go for a massage too, because I'm having my menses, it would be inconvenient and not so nice to subject the nice lady to it either. Sigh......

After dinner, back to my room. All of a sudden, the loneliness gripped me again and I started crying and sobbing all over again. And for the hundredth time I wanna send him an sms, yet struggle against it. What would I want from him? A reply? Leave the man in peace!!!!!!! ARRRGHHHHH. Again plenty of self doubt and negative thoughts.

I felt like the Beast in the story "Beauty and the Beast"... where Beauty returned home to visit her father and forgotten all about the Beast waiting for her return (or was it that her dad feign sickness to keep her home??? Argh so many different versions!)... the beast almost died of despair and probably miss her like crazy till his heart ripped into pieces. Even the roses withered. I think I can identy with Beastie now. Next time I watch the cartoon or movie I think I will weep for the Beast even before he felt the pain. I could feel myself withering.. like a plant without sunlight (hey I'm not plastic!).. like a rose without water ... like a hamster in a cage without food and water for a week (wow, and still alive???)...

And thoughts of giving up on it all became louder and louder. But no, I'm the one at fault this time, I deserved to be in pain, I deserved to be punished in this most cruel way... moreover, in his email, he had ask me not to run away and hide... because it would only show that I don't want him to work towards our future when he is trying.

Moments later, I suddenly realise....
By continuing to do that.. I am indirectly blaming him for my unhappiness!!!!! OMG!!!! This thought snapped me out of it. But yet, what shall I do? what shall I think? I find it hard to go back to normal life... yet I believe, it is in my power to do so, and I must try.

So now, pop a pill, go to sleep, and hope I wake up in the morning instead of the evening. Bwahahahahahaahaha!!

I only have 1 more pill left, and that will be for tomorrow. Maybe I shall see the doc on Friday for more, have 1 a night till we talk again. OMG by the time we talk I'd be an addict!!!!! Hahahaha!

I guess, I'm a sitting duck without a choice on how the outcome will be. I don't even know how to pray about it. .... but let me try :

My Daddy God, thank you for being a good God, and I know your plans are always good plans, for my good. I don't know what will happen to this friendship between me and Paul, I just pray you will bless him and keep him, let there be peace in his heart, let there be clarity in his mind, may you guide his thoughts and give him the wisdom to make the right choices. May you bless our friendship and love, may it be true and sincere, may we bless each other and bring each other happiness, and that we will continue to grow in knowledge of each other, mature in our relationship, and be true friends till the end of our lives. Help me see clearly too, and help me to have the clarity and wisdom to make the right choices. Help me to have peace in my soul, and comfort for the loneliness and fear. Thank you God, in Jesus' Name, Amen.

It's midnight now. And still no message from him. Men can really cut woman off completely when they want to. Sigh.. I can only hope to hear from him tomorrow. And may I have the strength to endure through this time without breaking down further. May I find the reason to smile again soon.

This reminds me of a song :
(and fuck, right now playing on the radio is the song "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" Grrrrrr.rrrr.rrrrr)

CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU

You know I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.

You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just Can't Smile Without You.

You came along just like a song
and brightened my day,
Who'd've believe that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away.

And now you know I Can't Smile WIthout You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile.

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.
And you see,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just Can't Smile Without You

Indeed, I haven't been smiling. Has Tweetie lost her chirp? A colleague remarked that I looked really glum, another wondered if I'm sick because the rosiness on my cheeks are not there and there're dark circles under my eyes. OMG I look like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sigh, and I have totally no apetite for food.

Oh, but I did smile for a bit earlier when El Gato came online just before I was about to leave office. Chatted for 10mins or so, and the thought of joining him for pizza and a beer soon cheered me up. Sigh..

OK, though the sleeing pill don't seem to be working yet, I think its' time for me to position myself for sleeping. Heh. May I wake up to a chirpier morning. I'll see my sexy muffin in my drreams later, I hope.

30/08 . Facing my darkest fears

Love hurts. It hurt so bad I feel I could die. Everytime when the pangs come I feel I can't go on for another minute. And each time I read his last email to me about his decision to halt the special frienship till the far future, till he can commit fully to me.... I just feel the ripping of my heart. And I don't know... if things will ever be the same after this break. When the brain fails to have oxygen supply for too long, brain damage sets in. Even if the person survies, permanent damage has occured.

Part of me feel resentment building with each passing minute, and part of me is managing and neutralising the resentment at the same time. It is too cruel, and too painful. I felt as though i've been brought back to the days and hours where Hook goes uncontactable after each time some difficulty arised... or when he is "ill". Is this expected of men? Do they know that their greatest weapon against the women they love is to ignore them?

Perhaps it is a complex that I am going through. The fear of abandonment seizes and render me powerless against it. Just like a person who is claustrophobic, once trapped in the lift or a small dark room can get them all hysterical. I just know that his silence.. (though has only been a day and is not used intentionally as a weapon) have successfully broken my spirit. Its not his fault, he have no idea it will have this effect on me. Sigh, and I hope he wont have to know what I went through, I don't want him to heap the guilt upon himself. Anyway, I know I will need to address this issue... otherwise, men will forever run away from me and abandon me. Because this is a tree of insecurity, and if never chop down or uprooted, I can't imagine the kind of bitter fruits it will produce. And I'm sure men will be able to see it and smell it from afar and run.

As in the case of Hook, till today I have no clear idea why things went the way it did. I know I wasn't insecure with him. I only know I got really frustrated and could not comprehend why he would say he miss me badly all the time, yet never call and is never uncontactable. Well, I guess Hook's case is not relevant to all these then. But I do know that those times where Hook is uncontactable, I am close to hysterics trying to shut out the screams in my head that says I've been unwanted and abandoned. When my spirit is broken that way.. like a wild horse whose spirit has been broken, I could no longer be my free spirited self. I fear every moment that I'd make a mistake and trigger the whole cycle of abandonment again. I guess, this time I am facing my darkest fears.

But perhaps my Cupcake will know how to perform the exorcism and expell these darkness from me. So far he has always been surprisingly amazing at it... but I guess I am feeling this way because I am fearing the worst, and fearing the unknown, fearing the outcome.

Yet, I'd rather have the truth than to be patronised. And I know he will not patronise me. He knows me enough, and love me enough to avoid doing that. And i do have faith in him in this aspect.

But why don't i have faith in him, that he will never abandon me? The things is.. yes, I do believe him when he said he will never stop loving me and will never let me go from his life. But I want more than that. I need to know if that only meant friendship... or as lovers.

And I wonder, am I creating a storm out of a molehill? I feel kind of ridiculous right now, but yet I believe I have identify a root issue of why this affected me so much. I identified the demon who tormented me... the fear of abandonment. So how do I demolish this demon? how do I stop it from arising again? I do not want my lover to ever be having the burden of reassuring me for life. Who can really make guarantees like that? People will say anything.. and yes of course, I believe people in love will make promises and mean it with all their heart at that point of time. But can they really guarantee? NO. In general, NO. So i will not have such expectations. Yes, I think I need to constantly remind myself that people are imperfect and people will fail now and then. And even if in future he can't live up to his words, I will not blame him.

Oh look, I've written another thesis. Bwahahaha..

Ok, time to take a break.
Today will be another day without "I miss you" from him.
And in a few days time... 3rd September.. it will be the 1 month anniversary of my first meeting with him in London, our first kiss.. first hug... the Most romantic time I've had. I wonder if we will be talking again then? Or will I be alone, miserable and crying my heart out? Sigh...

Have more faith in the man, viv. He deserves it.

30/08 . Silence is not always golden

These few days I felt like a little lost ant who can't find its home... searching around frantically and aimlessly... and feeling so scared and insecure all by myself in a world so big.

I guess I've never realised how much he meant to me... the full extent of it, I mean. I know he meant a whole lot to me, but the boundaries have never been tested, hahaha.. OMG I shiver at the thought of how much I need him in my life, and how do I get on or live without him? This reminded me of the song by Lyanne Rhimes (haha how do you spell her name?).. "How do I live without you". I remember too, that one day he called me during his lunch hour and told me he missed me badly, and this song was running in his head.. I think he even sang it to me, just the sentence. Awwwwwwww.....

There was a time, when I stop listening to Class 95 (95.0FM) because its a love channel for all love songs, more for those in love/out of love -- and I have no one in my heart during then and it depress me to think there's not even a person I could "miss" or "love". I listened to Perfect 10 (98.7FM) instead and its a cool channel. And now, I'm listening to Class 95 almost every night and feeling all sentimental, at times it brought heartaches and tears, and mostly, I will think of him and miss him dearly, wishing he is here, wishing things could be easier and simpler, wishing we can be each other's entirely.

Yes, I gues I'm still very much a day dreamer and a drama queen in my own winning style, haha! I felt as though I'm watching a Korean drama, and dreading all the tumultuous turns, crisis that befalls the couple in love, and the eventual unhappy ending. URRGH. I hope not. I hope it all works out in the end, and we can sing Shania Twain's songs. Teeheeheee... you know, the one that goes "So glad we made it.. look how far we've come to baby... "

I wonder what is he thinking about now? this few days of peace and quiet will be precious, I guess. I absolutely know why he need the space to break away from it all, quiet down and sort out thoughts and emotions. I do that a lot. And we the Introverts need to do that. We need to internalise things, ask ourselves questions, search deeper within and give ourselves honest answers, address nagging doubts, demolish pain & negative emotions, then find strength & stability from within ourselves.... etc etc etc. Finally, when that is done, we can breathe again, shake off the dust, stand up and face the world and what life throws at us. Well, I don't speak for all Introverts, but I guess I am speaking for myself.

I think the ladies in the office knows something's wrong with me. They could tell by how quiet I became and the lack of my sunny smiles. Hahah the swollen eyes this morning will be a big giveaway!! UUUUURRRGGGGHHH.. but I'm glad they left me to myself and didnt' come to probe and press.

I just wonder, if I didn't text him today, will I hear from him at all? I guess it'll kill me not to send him message, but its time I leave him alone in peace. It does kill me slowly not to hear from him from that long. It kills me that he didn't say he miss me. I guess these are the intense emotions that one experience when they're in love. It's natural, just ride it through. I will not suppress or bury my emotions. Recognising it and understanding why I'm feeling what I'm feeling is the better way.

Sigh.. I had wanted to focus on my work objectives this week, it's wednesday and I'm still in a mess. I will have to really pull myself together, and get going.

Time for lunch and distraction from all this.

Hope things are better at his end. I just want him to be fine and happy again.

30/08 . Am I still worthy of his love?

Couldn't sleep.. kept thinking of self-destructive thoughts and crying.

Woke up to read blogs... and realised Hani's blog is gone.. so is her friendster account. What have I done? Sigh... It was a happening place where friendships are forged. Overnight 2 person deleted their accounts.. how much more blood is on my hands?

Saw these beautiful wise words off a blog :

(1) Always have positive thoughts about yourself, cos negative thoughts will only ruin the person in you.

(2) Never ponder on your losses, for you will never get them back no matter how hard you try.

(3) But only ponder on the mistakes you've done, for these mistakes are the ones that can make a better person and human being out of you.

(4) Love is precious and sacred, never chase after it, but allow it to come to you naturally, as true love is the best compared to lust.

Sighhhh.....

So, how does it apply to me? Let's go through it point by point :

Always have positive thoughts about yourself, cos negative thoughts will only ruin the person in you.

How true.. and I am currently doing the opposite!!!! Having negative thoughts of myself has always been a problem I had... and have to consciously battle with. There are times I overcome, times I had to fight very hard just NOT TO have negative thoughts of myself... but not too much of the times am I thinking positive thoughts. Somehow.. I have never been too comfortable with the positive ones... sigh... perils of an imperfect Perfectionist. I will never be happy with myself. And always the first to stab myself before others do. "First do unto self what you think others would do to you". hahahahaha... No lah, I'm not so psycho and sadist. I still love me... at least that is something I am learning to do.. sigh.. and I just remembered what I frequently tells myself : That I will love me, even if others have stop loving me, even if no one loves me. I will be kind to me.. I will be gracious to me.. I just wanna cry. (and I'm locking the door. Mum has the habit recently of just budging or coming into my room just to see what I am doing or if I am awake.. without knocking the door. I'm getting kind of annoyed. Don't want her to catch me crying. sigh..)

Never ponder on your losses, for you will never get them back no matter how hard you try.

Sigh.. I guess this refers to forgiveness too ("Forgiveness means Grieving"). I read recently that forgiveness is not just a feeling. Forgiveness can lead to an improvement in feelings, but how do you know if you've forgiven? There are 5 parts, according to the writer. I extracted some "reminders" from the page.....

Part 1 : Forgiveness begins with a legitimate injury.
I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that what that they (*people whom I need to forgive) did, whether they meant to or not, hurt me.

Part 2 : There is no such thing as getting even.
If someone has hurt you, it means that you allowed them to get close enough for them to hurt you. It means you trusted them. You can never be hurt without being vulnerable. Causing someone pain does not take pain away, it merely ats as a distraction. Every act of revenge BURIES your pain, and the deeper it's buried, the more revenge will be required to keep the pain from being felt. The cycle never ends, becoming a bottomless journey that has no resolution or comfort. Even if you do something hurtful to them, it will never hurt the same way they hurt you. You can hurt them but it will never make up for waht they did to you. Revenge literally does not exist.

Part 3 : Forgiveness means laying down our weapons.

Part 4 : Forgiveness is not the same as trust.
Trust can only occur with someone that is safe. Therefore I can consistently forgive someone, but until they are safe and cease acting or speaking in a hurtful way, I cannot trust them. When I forgive someone, I need to remind myself that it will take some time to trust them again, and if they don't change their actions and aren't willing to do things differently, they have not allowed me to trust them.

Part 5 : Forgiveness means grieving.
It means letting your hurts die. If someone has hurt you, you will never get the moment back. You will never get the relationship with them you always wanted. No matter what someone did to you, you must realise that holding onto it will only produce a hole in your soul.
The definition of GRIEVING is simply to admit to ourselves that we can never get back what someone took from us. Perhaps they took our ability to easily trust. Perhaps an ex-husband made 10yrs of your life a living hell. Let it die for hwat you have lost. There is nothing you can do to bring it back; its over and done with. The memory will still be there, but there is still so much of life to be lived. Forgiveness is for you (the "victim"), so that you might be free to love again, and not be bitter and alone.

And yes I do grieve now for many things..
I do still, time and time again feel bad and wonder if I should have never get onto friendster and got into Paul, Hani & Phil's friendship circle. My entrance has created so much storms that today I felt that I stink through and through. If I hadn't known them, they'd still be on friendster, they'd still all be good friends.. having fun.. coping with life. Yet, its there that I found romance... I experiece true love.. I met a guy... found a soulmate, and my life can never be the same again.
I guess now.. I need to brace myself to grieve for more. I await the news in a few days, I guess. The verdict. Can I handle it? I guess i will be able to.. after lots of crying, hahaha... as always. I'd probably take a while to heal and and be slower to move on, but I think I will survive. I only pray, my heart will not become more hardened. I only pray I will find faith again and never give up hoping.

But only ponder on the mistakes you've done, for these mistakes are the ones that can make a better person and human being out of you.

I'm already doing lots of it, and will be doing even more of that this few days. Sigh... Yes, may it make a better and wiser human being out of me. I don't think I can look at myself and think that I'm beautiful for a long long while.. ARGH. But yes, I must try not to belittle myself. OH GOD LIFE IS HARD!!!!!!!! And I think I have beaten myself enough.. can someone come beat the shit out of me now? hahahaha..
I guess, I need to hear him say "I forgive you baby". Sigh.. though he said he's not mad at me.


Love is precious and sacred, never chase after it, but allow it to come to you naturally, as true love is the best compared to lust.

Yes I do want true love. But what does this mean? If my true love decides to leave me... ok then it doesn't seem like true love anymore right? But WHAT IF I feel its my true love, and he's leaving me... I should not chase after it?

But interestingly...
This love did came to me naturally... I wasn't chasing it. I was chasing someone else's tail during then and got rejected!!!!!! LOL!!!! But he came to me... chase after me.. draw close to me in an amazing way, and won my heart over. I threw him hard questions and cynical questions.. yet he came through each time - he has the talent I guess. And I do feel, he can have any woman he want, why did he chose me? Why did he love me? (and why would he stop loving me?? that's the question i hope will never need answering.

He has always say I am worth it. Does he still think the same now? (I remember Hook used to say that too... in the end.. sigh.. but I know I should not underestimate him and should not compare him to Hook. DUH. Its an angel and beast comparison, bwahahaha~). I guess I'll know in future. But a self-reminder here.. no matter how other's revalue me or reject me.. it does not reduce or change my self-value & self-worth unless I allow them to. Boy this is gonna be a struggle.

Anyway, I don't care!!!!!! I'm chasing after this guy if he runs away. Oh.. but wait! That's so not my style! Wouldn't that be like begging? Hmmmm... nope. That will be worth chasing, probably at least once. I guess once is ok right? I will never make a nuisance of myself, and make myself scarce where unwanted.

Maybe I'll get used to the feeling of not having him soon? Numb it out? I don't know. Better not think anymore, the thoughts are not gonna get any better.

But yes, I do feel much lighter in my chest now. Glad I could blog it out.
Sigh.. I was gonna sleep at 11pm, and it's now 1.30am. Headaches again for tomorrow.

and now... SELF HUG.. hug pauliBear...
and goodie night.
May tomorrow bring better news and good cheer.
May I hear from him tomorrow.

Sob... no "i miss you" today for me. I miss him so much. so much so much so much.

29/08 . ^-^ Feeling more cheered up

Exchanged a few sms with him today after work... and felt cheered up. He still loves me (... just as a friend??..) and wanna keep me in his life (.. as a friend??...). And I like how he will punish me later (kekeke..) - he might be joking, but I would love to fulfill it, sounds like great fun. (Hahaha OK .... hey something's wrong here -- if it is fun, then is it still a punishment?)

Sigh, though I'm laughing, but why aren't I feeling happy?...... ;-(

Was actually surprised that he would reply. VERY SURPRISED. I was crying silently in the office earlier because I was feeling the withdrawals... and I guess, I miss his pampering or miss the assuring calmness in my soul that I have a special someone who cares for me and loves me (whom I love back). I wonder if he miss me? because I know this few days I'd probably not see this 3 words from him anymore.. sobsob..sob.. I'm so scared that I won't be hearing all these sweet words for a long long while. Because... I believe he will probably keep me at arms length till things are sorted out. Well, imagine what kind of hell it is.. we're already separated by lands and oceans.. now another arm's length? hehehe.. why is my love life so tumultuous?

I've never tasted true love till recently, so it is a good feeling that I wanna hold on to badly. And he is so perfect to me in so many areas, I just couldn't help loving him more and more. He is extremely caring, and tries his best to keep his words. He is sweet and romantic, and someone I could talk to. And the kind of guy I can imagine marrying and having fun and companionship for the rest of our lives.

I felt so ashamed right now that I am so self-centered. All I could think of is myself and how I feel. I mean... it sounds like.. I don't wanna lose him because of how he made me feel. But as confusing as it sounds, I think that is still love.. I believe I must have made him felt a special way too, that's why he love me right? Of course, its more than how we make each other feel. I admire him and respect him too. And he can also be so sexy. hehehehehehe..... (so can I).

Actually, I was also tempted to move my blog url again.. sigh...
That will be so silly. It's funny how many times I've shifted it.. and unable to blog because I got involved with a friend who reads my blog (whom I never thought I would get involved with). But for the first time, I am comfortable with writing my thoughts and feelings down though knowing he might read it. Yet, I have the assurance he will not take things wrongly, nor do I need to filter anything. Anyway, he's not here often.... and after this has happned, he probably has too much on his mind and too much havoc in his life right now to read this blog anymore. And if he finally did come here and read.... I bet it would have been months later. So I guess things would have progressed down a different path and all these will not be so relevant anymore.

I'm glad, that in such a time where my brain is again short-circuiting and emotions are in gyrations... I'm glad that I can return to my blog and pour it all out. As I've always said.. it's therapeutic for me. My private room.

OK, time for bed. I'm emotionally exhausted and drained out. Tonight I'll try to managed without a good night sms from him. And the night after.. and after.. till life gets back to the ordinary I guess. OK, I'm being extremely pessimistic lah. I'm sure things are not that bad... maybe he will send me an sms? Maybe he will say he miss me? Maybe .... maybe.... maybe...

I guess it will be quite easy to cry myself to sleep. Wet my pillow, keep my face moisturised.

Good night, world. Tweetie out.

29/08 . A taste of my own medicine

My tears flow non-stop when reality hit me that he is no longer on my friendster list.. because he deleted his whole account.. and that he has deleted me from his Yahoo 360 (along with everyone else). Though I know his reasons for doing so, and though he had informed me of what he had done.. somehow I was not prepared for the impact of it all.

Now I know how it felt like, when I removed him from my friendster list along with Hani and Phil. It hurts no matter how, when someone who meant deeply to you did that. Suddenly that space that you're connected with him from became desolate ground. Though there may be other friends remaining on the account, somehow the vacant space where his picture or name once was is glaring.

It's amazing that ... NOW... I could identify with how he could be feeling during then, and why he kept asking me to add him back on FS, and that was before I discovered he likes me and that I meant a lot more to him than I can ever imagine. A taste of my own medicine.. gosh it's a bitter and a hard pill to swallow indeed. What you sow you shall reap, and I dread the road ahead now. Sigh...........

Who would have imagine that after we've fallen in love with each other, this would happen? I have added him back just few days ago, but now he is totally gone... its my fault and I take responsibility for it. I have only wanna tickle her mind a bit for cheap thrill's sake, but never thought that the match I lighted would cause such an explosion -- all because I never stop to think twice thrice fourice fiverice. If I did stop to think, I would have decided against it because I could already smell the air permeated and saturated with gas. Sigh..

Last night, on the radio playing was Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting". For the first time, this song became very relevant to me, and I found myself sobbing as I listen to it, wondering at the same time if I'm going insane, ha..hh..haa... *nervous laughter. To me, its such an LDR song, never see it from that perspective before (although in this context, the lady had probably walked away from this guy....). And with all this that is happening, it's almost my song right now. With all these experiences in love and life.. I'm beginning to be able to relate to so many more of those songs on the radio now..... :

RIGHT HERE WAITING

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

Sigh... yes baby, I'll be right here waiting for you.
-- kitty

28/08 . Dooms Day For My First Love?

My heart is in turmoil, as I sit in wait for my judgement. For the first time in my life, I felt like I've been a villian... a moment of mischief erupted a volcano.. or in his words.. setting off a hornet's nest and caused the severance of a long term friendship and love between 2 person.. and the ripple effect, the repurcussions... the end of the growing romance between me and him.

I dread to know the answer he would give me after his break to sort out his thoughts. I felt guilty as charged.. like a child who have had the whole house burnt down because I've played with a match.

The only true love.. the first that I've found ... I've destroyed it with my own hands. My heart is ripping into pieces, though not yet broken, but I guess it is minor compared to the damage I've done to others due to my folly. I feel like such a monster, I despise myself. sigh.

Yet I remember my words to others... Don't be too hard on yourself.. the rest of the world are already hard on you. Be the kindest to yourself, be the most loving towards yourself, be the most gracious to yourself. This does not apply to those who are evil by choice of course, or watever. So, sigh.... I guess I'll need to forgive me now for what I've done, and try to move on.. and accept the punishment of being dumped/ditched... put aside for consideration.. back to just friends, and also to do whatever is required of me to atone for it? Can someone tell me what I should do? I doubt I can redeem the situation, but I guess if there's something I can do to help make things good again, I will - within reasonable means, of course.

In fact, I wondered about sending her an email to apologise and maybe explain things, but that would mean telling more lies.. and I will probably make things worse, judging by my talent to get into trouble or create problems for others. Sigh... Where is the Viv who is a blessing to others? I've became a burdon and a problem instead.

Where's my shell? Where's my well? I need my hiding hole but it can't seem to be found now.

My fear of losing him is so great I am truly frightened. The thought that he will stop showing or expressing love brought despair. Yet... I know... He cannot be made responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my personal happiness. I don't want anyone to love me because they are afraid that I'd be unhappy if they dont.. then it'll become a trap and a living hell for him.. hahahaha.. NO NO NO.. I want my man to enjoy loving me, to find pleasure in loving me ... vice versa. It should never be just a responsibility. But yes, if we're married, in hard times, we gotta just hang on and work it through the hard times, the down times, the rocky times, the famine, the winter, the storms. I'm idealistic, I know.

Another thing I realised is... I might have made him feel the fear of disappointing me.
I know he will never want to disappoint me in anyway, but in life, there will always be disappointments. Some men has the talent of disappointing their women, but haha its not always their fault, if the women's "hopes" or expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic. I only hope he will not give up on me just because he fear to let me down.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I will be brave to face tomorrow, no matter what life throws me.

This reminds me of a phrase :
Do not fear about tomorrow, for Jesus is already there.
Perhaps, its time to go back to church. I will, when I've given up all hope I guess. And I did say, if this romance fail, I'd surrender all hope of finding love again and see what God has planned. I don't know if things God had planned for me will still work.. haha.. I've been such a delinquent and rougue I probably deserve to stay a virgin and single for life. Sigh..
Jesus is the hope of the future.

Right now, all I want is my Cupcake.

Gosh I need a good hug and a good cry.

27/08 . Poem: The Most Precious Thing

For Cupcake ...
I wish these very words were penned by me... but... I'm not that creative..
However, it does represent the message of my heart today.
I love you.
~ Tigger ~


The Most Precious Thing
by Taylor Hiigli


You are the most precious thing,
in my life today.
You mean more to me than anyone else,
and I hope you’re here to stay.

What I feel for you lies deep,
deep within my heart.
The amount of love you see,
is merely just a part.

Not even these poems,
that you inspire me to write,
can describe how I adore you,
or how I dream of you day and night.

You fill my head with things,
I’ve never thought before.
You’ve let me feel true love,
and you let my heart soar.

You are all I’ve ever wanted,
and all I’ll ever need.
Because you my sweet angel,
are the most precious thing.

27/08 . Advice on LDRs

Came across this advice... from www.Lovingyou.com ...

I guess I could really use some good advice to keep me sane!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

http://www.lovingyou.com/content/advice/ldr/

long distance relationships

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." --Kahlil Gibran

Long distance relationships require a special willingness and understanding that can test love like no other type of relationship can. It requires constant communication and a desire to continually create your relationship, using the only real tool you have... your words.

Handling The Absence
One of the most difficult parts of a long distance or online relationship is handling the fact that you are not physically there with your partner. This lack of physical presence can make the whole relationship seem like an illusion. I am sure that almost every person in an LDR has wondered at some point about whether the relationship was actually real or just wishful thinking. With this in mind, it is very important to create a presence for yourself in your partner's life to provide a stable reality that you are a couple and that you are a part of one another.

Listed below are some ideas and resources to help you achieve this.

Communication
~ Don't fall out of touch, even for a short time
~ Return all e-mails at the earliest opportunity
~ If you are going out of town or are otherwise going to be unable to respond, let your partner know as soon as possible so they don't think something is wrong or start to have doubts.
~ Keep all online dates.

Talk regularly through voice chat or via the telephone
~ Your voice adds that touch of reality to the relationship and makes you more than just text on a screen


Video Chat if possible or at least send pictures regularly
~ Can you imagine how differently you would feel if you could actually see your partner when you talk to them? You can bet that they would feel the same. Rather than having to imagine how you looked when you laughed or smiled, they could actually see it.
~ It nullify's any of those doubts you have about whether they will like the way you look.

Get to know as much as you can about each other
~ Tell your partner about your day to day life, your friends, your relatives, your job etc. Make them feel like they are an integral part of your life. At the same time, find out as much as you can about them too

Be there when needed
~ One of the worst mistakes you can make in any relationship is to not be there for your partner when they need you. This is especially true of a long distance relationship as there are already inherent doubts and this will just reinforce those doubts.
~ Seek your partner's advice, listen to what they say and make them feel special and important to you.

Love
Love is the backbone of any relationship. As long as the other partner feels that you completely and unconditionally love them, those doubts will not have a chance to creep in. It is up to you to make sure they know exactly how you feel about them. Some

Presence
Make sure you have a presence in your partner's life. Continually reinforce the fact that you are there, that this relationship is real and there is no way that you are going to let a little thing like distance get in your way. If you do the things listed above, you will create a good presence in your relationship. Good luck!