06/10 . One email from him and I'm staying. Urgh.

One email from him melt me down and all my resolutions to leave crumbles -- even though the tone of voice in that mail seemed like he was pissed off, exasperated, exhausted and have the "fine, do what you want, take care" edge. I had wished for something more tender and sweet, perhaps.

Am I so weak-willed? What's his magic? Was it the threat that he won't chase after me? Anyway, I have the feeling that in future he will probably not chase either. Just leave. Dont' tell him you're leaving because that means you want him to chase. sigh. I don't know what the fuck i am saying. Why am I so hopeless and defenceless against him? Why do I crawl back to him each time I want to leave and hide from my pain? But I know, I was all set to leave and die to everything and not just crying wolf about leaving. I said I will stay, but for how long? Can I really really stay? My heart still bleeds with every time i see him flirting and setting time apart for Hani, I have reached the point where I will only believe he loves me if she is not in a relationship with him anymore --i.e. she is clear they are just friends, he can come singapore on his own agenda without reporting to her and laying conditions as though it is a negotiation just to meet with me. How about him coming here because he want to SEE ME and spend time with me but on the condition that he also gets to celebrate her birthday while he is here because he had promised her 6 months ago -- that will be a nice twist isn't it? And if they are just friends then who the fuck is she to get upset or question him if I am going to meet him in London?? and if they are friends maybe then he can tell her that he loves me -- anyway i won't demand that, that's too hurting, maybe just tell her that he no longer is in love with her and no longer acknowledge the relationship and he is telling her not asking for her approval. sigh.

But with all recent happenings, i have observed that he will probably never bring up the subject of just being friends with her, and never sorting things out with her. Because until now, he has not rock the boat concerning me at all. I am not asking him to, because i know there are other things like Maria and kids to worry about. And I know he wants to be Mr Nice Guy and not bring hurt to her, not be the guy who betrays her. Oh, if this is the case, stop loving me. In life you have to make tough choices sometimes. Sigh I don't know what I want either. I know they have been best friends, and he does enjoy her company. He does want her as a friend forever. I am struggling with being a selfish woman... but why should I put up with these? I need answers. I need to know!!!! And the irony is.. he knows me well enough to trust me in not doing things that will create storms. Hahaha isn't it sad? He trusts me to lie low. He trusts me to live like a mistress in a secret love affair.

Anyway, he told me something that worries me about him and immediately i want to return as his listening ear, to share his woe and pain or what he is going through. sigh. I know I still love him deeply and that is something that will not change so easily. In the first place, he is my best friend and soulmate. I want to be there for him when he needs me, I want to be there in his dark hours, I want to be there to share any ups and downs. It breaks my heart yesterday I was not there to share his joy when he get the good news about his job. I guess i want to leave him and everything because i felt I was a spare tyre, because i felt there is someone else that matters more to him than he realised, and I am left standing in the shadows of his life whenever she takes centre stage. That discourages me in staying around seeing him dodging and hiding me though he fought fearlessly for me each time anyone tries to say anything bad about me. I guess my staying power is not strong enough. I guess I need him to hold on to me when I lack the strength or sanity to hold on anymore.

In his email he said he admire my "strength" to be able to just drop everything and walk away. He is so wrong about me. It is because I have no more strength left to hold on, that talk we had left me with nothing to hold on to... and I had wish... that when i have no more strength to hold on he would hold me instead.. and give me new strength to hold on too. In the first place before I met him I have never been deeply in love with any man - all crush and infactuations that never materialises into anything, never confessed except for Hook and Phil where I took the courage but ended up flat in my face, never been in a real relationship where both of us work things through to stay together--- I am not equipped with the kind of experience and maturity to handle things properly rightly calmly steadily.

For me to decide to leave, it meant I was ready to let a part of me die. Definitely not a painless quick death. It will be slow death, as though I have slit my wrist to slowly bleed to death, but hidden away from him. He will never know what leaving him will do to me. I will be cutting off my own limb. And have to live on without a limb. I guess I tend to do drastic things like cutting off my arm just because a finger is in pain, hahahahah oMG i kinda feel silly now. That's what I like about me, I know how to laugh at myself. Sometimes i am very amused by my own sick jokes. But it does makes sense sometimes to cut off the limb that threatens to hold on to something that will eventually bring death to the rest of the body. Cut it off, live with the pain, live without the limb. From the way he held on to Hani, he will continually bring pain to me and that removes the little joy both of us can enjoy in the long term.

Actually to be fair to him... sigh... he did chase me back before. It was when I was in such pain from Hani & Phil's email that I had wanted to just get out of their lives forever. Paul was the one who persisted with me and he texted, emailed and chatted with me online. I had wanted a break of silence because of hani but he will hear nothing of it. Eventually i was only successful in keeping silence for 1 day. He won my heart with his persistence and I absolutely melt and was swept off my feet. Moreover at that time he wasn't persisting with me to start a relationship, he was persisting with me to stay as friends.

Actually he is so silly. Sigh.
In his email he said he will not waste time to reply my mails or leave me comments or even read my blog if I'm leaving. He have no idea that will be a fatal mistake. That is the very thing that push me off the cliff when I say I'm gonna jump. He had no idea that the key to bringing me back is to write me mails, to persuade, to explain, to fulfill promises .. because I had became discouraged with waiting to see things happen. I am not so hard to pleased you know.. in fact my friends know how easy it is to pacify me. I am now beginning to see why "Acts of service" ranks above Physical Touch in the 5 love languages ranking for me. I feel loved when he shows that he does things out of love for me. Sigh. And I dont' know why men will think that they are wasting their time trying to get to know me or winning me back. Am I not worth the chase at all? Am I not worth an additional email an additional attempt? Am I not worth the effort?

It saddens me that he thinks he will be wasting his time if he writes to me. I have told him so many times... His words.. every comment and email are precious to me (OK except those that indicates Hani's crippling effects on him and except those that he tell me go away get a better life). Daily I check my mailbox countless times hoping to see something coming from him. To the extent I made a final plea that he will write me 10 emails for 10 consecutive days. The last time he said he would do that lasted for 2 days and something happen that stop it and he never did return to it. This time it halted at Day 3... which is fine because he was having chronic toothaches and bad migraines and I know he really really wanna do it. But I blew up at him and he stopped. I hope he will continue, I really really hope. Sigh.


He agreed to read my blog this time. I am nervous about it now. What if he read something that totally made him want to give up forever? What if he read and felt that I have totally wronged him and misunderstood him and felt discouraaged? What if he read and felt guilt and felt responsible for the pain I was having and decided to once again push me away so-called set me free let me go so he won't play a part in causing me further pain? That will be the biggest regret i would have for this year. Because I was the one who wanted him here to read. sigh. I am so contradictory, and I am so ironical, and I am so ... such a pain in the ass. Yet I know, it is very important to me that he understands my fears, feelings, thoughts and then maybe address them, tell me I am wrong, agrees with what I said or just comprehend what I have grappled and wrestled with in my world. After all, he is my soulmate. BUT... Will he have the courage to stay and love me after reading all these? He was dragging his feet to come... i can't remember the reason he gave, but i think it was because the doubts I have towards him would hurt him, and leave a mark on him. i only hope he will be able to bounce back. And I wish he has a blog too, so i can read his mind.


Yesterday I have only eaten : For breakfast, 1 Fereira Roche from Carol with a cup of coffee black. For lunch, 1 Almond Roca butterscotch crunch and about 30 wasabi coated peanuts with a cup of coffee black. For late afternoon, 2 glasses of Blackcurrent juice. For Dinner, 2 small cup of fruit tea served at the spa where I went for a massage session due to muscle tension and misery... and finally a glass of water at bedtime. This morning I weighed 62.1kg hahahahaha OMG! Maybe I should get devastated by him more often, I don't eat and I lose weight. Sigh, might as well be dead, solves all problems. Maybe just get any decent guy to fuck me till I experience orgasm and then I'm ready to go - at least I don't die a virgin, and with Paul I have tasted how true love is like, my first love.

Will things ever go back to happy days again? Have I ruin it all?
Does he still think of me as the funny witty zany gal that made him laugh and blush and feel comfortable and safe to talk to? I so badly want to return to the gal he first loved. I so badly wish I have not turn into his nightmare.

On the way to work, the radio played Celine Dion's song and the lyrics from the chorus caught my attention -- it's a message not to give up and not to just leave even when the heart is in doubt. I will draw strength from it and hope that this time we can talk things through again. Talking with him always helps, I guess. I admit he has a way with words.. but more than that, i know he meant them when he was saying them to me. I just feel confused whenever his actions didn't support what he was saying to me.

There is only one thing i am concerned about now.. in fact it frightens me. My heart feels numb. Though I am staying, but I feel numb. In fact, I turned skeptical, cynical finally. He has never trigger that part of me off, but I felt so let down in the inconsistencies that its gonna take hard work to convince me that he will do anything to not lose me. And I feel, he will still lose me... I don't know how long I can stay.. because I have identify that I can't tolerate sharing him with Hani. Perhaps he can look me up when he and Hani finally separated, but I can foresee it never happening. Without me around, there is nothing to start a fight. In fact now I see that they are getting along perfectly fine, saying cute things to each other and meeting for regular chats, phonecalls etc. Who am I? I am someone he loves too. Who is she? He don't know. Each time I ask him he will say he don't know but she is acting wierd and maybe soon things might be over.

Sigh.. I wish I am so cool and open and free. Because I know i want to openly call him darling cupcake baby sweetheart and leave him sweet tags in 360 spontanously. All I could see is she can say all kinda cute things and thank him for nice chats and him returning the cheers. How long can I stay knowing that this goes on not only in public but also in their chats or emails? I can no longer go back to friendship. If I can, then I am stronger or more foolish than I think. And if I really do manage to go back to friendship, it only means being mere acquaintances - some guy I know and contact once in a blue moon to say how's life. Seems impossible, I am an extreme person. I need to stay away and not get too connected with him because I know I will fall in love all over again or get bitter over his close relationship with Hani that never ends. Hani should be a happy woman now that I am out of the way. She got rid of me just like how she got rid of all the other women in his life. Oh, correction.. I got rid of me because he can't decide who he wants. Argh, why am I going all acidic and skeptical and bitter and resentful... this is not good if I want to stay on.

But I want to.

I still believe in his love. I still love him. But I also know my heart is broken and I have become so discouraged i can't face another hurdle.... I can only see leaving as the best thing for both him and me. And my guess is, he will ask me to go but he will love me forever, but go. hahahaha that is always the most ironical statement to me. Because I wish he wont ask me to go, instead I wish he will ask someone to go so that I will stay. I wish.

Sigh..

Anyway, the song :


THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
(Celine Dion)

I can read your mind and I know your story
and I see what you're going through yeah
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if we stick together
You're gonna find the way, yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is
(That's the way it is)

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

don't give up on your faith
love comes to those who believe it
and that's the way it is.

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, yeah
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is.

05/10 . I have failed me and I failed him

I failed.. utterly failed.

I had wanted to hold through with those "words of wisdoms" but i have broken all of them.

The first time in a long while he took the courage to be completely honest with me about Hani and the times they spend chatting and what they chatted about -- I blew up on him and said goodbye. I had promised him that I will never do that, because he had told me before he hestiate to tell me things because each time I will talk about leaving.

Yet I did the very thing I tried not to do.

But I have to...

Reality sets in.

I will never doubt his love for me - i have experienced his love.

But, I can no longer handle the way he surrenders to Hani at her every threat and demand. I was shocked to the core when he told me why he has not left 360. That's because Hani had told him if he leaves the friendship is over and he will never hear from her again. So I guess, he chose to stay. In fact, not only he stayed, he continues to flirt with her.

I had secretly wished he would try to leave with me. I plan to stop him though.. because that is not what i really want. I want him to stay because I know its a playground and there is entertainment and fun. But I guess I was only wondering if he had meant what he said about 360 being all about me. Sigh.. i still remember he was the one who told me let's leave its no fun anyway, and when I said leave dormant, he disagreed as though we should strip it all bare and leave completely. When he talk like that, it tells me if we leave we are leaving hand in hand. It's romantic though absurd, because it is an internet site. Its romantic because by doing so he gave me the satisfaction of knowing he was really in 360 for me. However upon thinking back.. he was already back on 360 with hani and sue and having fun and only added me later "if I want". I just wonder, does he say things to me just to proof himself at the point when I doubt him? I had believed him so completely whenever he address my doubts... and sometimes his answers just melted me away.. then when the time arise his promises to me crumbles.


This hurt cannot compared to anything else .. that I felt in my heart. Again, I felt abandoned....
Abandoned that I had to leave alone. He had stayed for a woman that did not want to get involved in cross fire and didn't want to openly take his side when he was attacked. Yet he was noble enough to be on her side when she found out she has been doublecrossed.

This again brings me back to the idea that ultimatums and threats are effective weapons on him. It renders him helpless in a way. I am totally defeated because I do not possess such weapons, nor do I ever want to use them.

I guess when others give me ultimatums, I will choose ME.

Anyway, I love him... and I should set him free, let him go. I know that if I stay around, I will continue to want to have all of him and will not tolerate Hani's existence. Strange that I totally don't mind Maria. But I guess that is because each time I was convinced that he loved me, he will go ahead and say something or do something that proves that Hani really matters to him and I have to stand aside and just believe that he loves me. Each time when he proof it to her, it seems that part of me will be sacrificed.

I think, one of the disappointments, upon recollection... is that in the beginning.. when he first got excited about me.. he told me I was the first woman that made him think and consider seriously about his relationship with Hani. He told me he can't promise me anything .. but he will want to sort out his life. Sort out Hani, sort out job, and finally Maria & kids. Things happened and we both know.. things with Maria & kids will most possibly never change. That's fine. As for job.. well, that is not really an issue. Anyway, today he has a new job offer, I am so happy for him!!!!!! But as for Hani... I guess I will stay away from his life because the reason why he had wanted to sort things out with hani was because he shared my dream of being together.

I guess he never want to lose Hani, and Hani will always threaten that she will disappear from his life. Neverending story. I would love to see him take the chance and call her bluff.

Anyway its an irony..
When I say that I can live without 360, because it is just an online account. (OK, I meant that my life is fine before I had 360, so I can move on back to life without 360, just bring 1 0r 2 new friends with me contactable by email or chats). He disagrees, and said it is a place where we can make connections, communicate, new friends and .. can't remember what esle he said. Anyway, he meant it is more than just an online account, it is a meaningful place. The irony is.. yet he will allow Hani to use this "meaningful place" to threaten him. And how about Friendster? He deleted it without second thoughts. Yes, but he was in a rage. Why was he in a rage? Just because Hani deleted him? Well then, I don't see him in a rage now that I have deleted him in 360. Tell me why is he so calm? In fact, not only did he not strip it bare in a rage, he is bloggin new tag posts by Hani's request!! And yet when he promise me he'll do the 5 love languages test he has not even done it till today. He had promised to leave me blog comments but not a word was left for such a long while. I had understand his constraints but why each time when he is back to 360 he would be doing things for hani and not me? And yet I have to believe him when he tells me he really does love me. And each time I believed him. Even right now I still do. Why?

Anyway, I didn't delete him so that he will do the same, that is not me. I deleted him because I see no point anymore - I am totally discouraged. I was there today to see what he wrote for me, just a pass-it-on comment. Yet Hani wrote him 143 (I love you), and he wrote back 143 plus he win -- that means he loves her more. I had enough.

IT HURTS.

It is hard to believe just words alone anymore.

It is hard to hear him say how much he loves me and yet seeing with my eyes everything he is doing for another woman. It is even harder not to be able to flash out the same lethal weapons she used so effectively -- giving threats and ultimatums and screaming and asking him to fix things and proof things.


In defeat.. I am leaving.. tail between my legs.

Yes, in my secret hearts of hearts, I want him to chase me back. I want him to proof things to me, I want him to sort things out, I want him to show some backbone and stand up to her threats and tell her "I will not have you threaten me with leaving using 360" or whatever fucking things she use.

But what's the point of asking him to proof things? It will only hurt the one I love. It will only hurt him more to sort out those things and risk losing Hani from his life forever. I see no point in asking him to cut off a limb. In the end, I will only have an incomplete wounded man, hurting, pining and missing his limb, resenting me for making him do that to proof his love.

Am I guilty of the same by saying goodbye?
I am not threatening to leave. I am leaving. I have left.
I don't think words alone can bring me back. I have heard enough.

04/10 . Wisdom for my soul

Today's the 2nd month anniversary of me and Paul's first meet.

Sentimental person I am right?

Anyway, so much has been happening and my days has been an extreme roller coaster ride. Slowly, I am beginning to feel tired of pain, jealousy, hurt and the whole package of negative emotions. Yet, the worse part of it... I can't blame another but the intensity of my emotions. I am becoming to believe I will be too overwhelming and intense and passionate for an man's comfort.

Yet the high and joy of loving him and talking to him each time can last me for days even if its just a good 30mins talk. I am always convinced of his love, my wounds and pain soothed, and dark moods chased away. I feel silly after each time I ran wild with an idea. Yet there are always endless questions I have for him, espcially when it comes to Hani.

Anyway, wisdom of the day received, and I will try to live by these words for as long as I can to stay a happy person in this "relationship" :

Lower your expectations;

Accept his circumstances;

Treat Hani as invisible;

Contain your emotions;

and ......

Manage your jealousy.


I'll print this on a little note and stick it on my forehead to remind me. Sighhhhh.....

And I still wish he could tell me why it didn't cross his mind that he's deserting me when he deleted his Friendster and 360 Account because of Hani, yet when he was the one who agrees and tell me let's leave 360 and then tell me that he felt if he do so he is deserting Hani. Why can he just desert me without thinking and has to drag his feet when it comes to Hani? Her hold over him is deep and great, and he did mention he donno why but perhaps its the connnection they share. Sigh.. I can't compete with that.

Anyway if the reason why he is on 360 is not about me then fuck it. I'm staying out of 360 anyway, because I can't even say what I really wanna say to him and he can't say what he really wanna say to me there, and I can't even really speak my mind in my own blog post yet she has the freedom to talk abt nice chats and calls with paul talking sweet nothings. And any fun we're having is being monitored. I have to be careful about what I say. WTF. Though he said he don't mind but i think he does mind. If i go to his page today and put a comment : " I love you so deeply baby" and he will probably delete it the instance he sees it and ask me what I am trying to do. And Hani will probably pick it up and create hell. And in the end, he will probably not speak to me again. Yup I am guessing and making conclusions... sighhhhh..

It does pain me that he wanna stay on for her. Not that I want him to leave, but it is the reason why he wanted to stay behind. He had told me that if i leave 360, he will delete everything because 360 will be meaningless without me, and was the reason why he was there. I remember being really touched to the core. Right now, I can only feel deep disappointment. Yeah, it seems like a power struggle. So its OK, I'm not gonna struggle on. I'm letting go. I don't want to fight to maintain my weight in his heart. It should be given to me freely and willingly, not when I ask for it. Sigh. I only wish I can understand why in all his actions it speaks so loudly that he cares the world for Hani more than for me. Her impact on him is so tremendous that everytime he will do drastic things because of her. What drastic measures has he taken because of me?

Let me go and try and recall. I will try really hard. I will search deep into my memory.

Sad.