11/04 . Living up to my imperfect human self

I had a major shouting match with mum yesterday that resulted in her hurling her mobile phone at me and almost cutting me off as daughter. It is still about boundary issues, and this time I really stood my ground. Its almost the first time I shouted at the top of my lungs back at her as much as she was shouting at me at the top of her lungs. I refused to be intimidated and I refused to back off.

I had enough of her emotional control and intimidations and manipulations. I know she did it all out of motherly love care and protection, however, though it seems that I'm being ungrateful, I felt the need to push her off my territory and not have her invade my boundaries again and again.

It is still my fault. I was being a bad girl. hahahaahhaa!! I mean, I do feel really guilty about it, yet at the same time very stubborn. My mind is full of thoughts on how I should reconcile and make peace or perhaps give in to her control, yet I just wanna rebel against it. Not only am I fighting for my personal space and freedom, I am fighting to keep my sense of identity. I refuse to change the way I laugh. I love the way I laughed. Both mum and dad felt it is horrible and embarrassment to them and I'll scare men off and maybe remain single bcos of my horrific laughter. BUT!!!!! I WILL TAKE ONLY THE MAN WHO ENJOYS THE WAY I LAUGH, WHO ENJOYS LAUGHING WITH ME!!!! I mean, yeah, they fear that before the man knows me who who I am, he would have fled at the sound of my laughter. GEEZ!~ I guess i'll reconsider this point if it really did happen to me (someone will have to bring it to my attention that an interested man have been frightened off by my booming witch-like cacklings and wolf-howlings!!!!)

Anyway, I dont know how long it will take before mum and me will be on talking terms again. She's the type that wont forgive till someone apologized. In this case, she totally thinks I have disrespected her as my mother bcos I shouted back. And she thinks I'm ungrateful yadda yadda yadda and from now on she will not care nor bothered about me. FINE! I mean, I do feel the pinch, I do still wanna enjoy being cared for by my mother, BUT at the price of being suffocated by her questionings and lecturings and disapprovals, for now I'd rather brave and soldier-on through the cold shoulder treatments and have some peace and freedom. I'm breaking her heart I know, I'm a disappointment & a dismay to her I know, I made her feel that she's a failure as a mother I know. BUT! I can never live up to all her expectations! I refuse.

Came across this article last night and it encouraged me somehow....


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Taken from : http://www.seductiongenie.com/live/2007/03/08/disappointment/

Disappointment

Thursday, March 8, 2007
posted by amy


One of the challenges of adulthood is facing the fact that you have failed others. You have hurt loved ones. You’ve made mistakes. You’ve let down people you cared about, who were depending on you.

It may sound counterintuitive when I say that it is your ability to deal with failure that matters more to your relationship longevity than your ability to succeed, but I believe that it is true.
A man loves a woman who is imperfect and able to love herself anyway. She doesn’t hide her flaws or sweep them under the table, embarrassed. She doesn’t need to be defensive or brag, because she has nothing to prove.

Her relationship with men is not a competition to see who is the better partner, nor is it a drama where the list of who’s right and who’s wrong gets longer and longer. That’s because her concern is not whether she’s right or whether she’s coming across as the kind of woman she wants to be. Her concern is how healthy their relationship is and whether they’re growing together rather than apart.

We women know well that succeeding in relationships requires a great deal of humility and self-sacrifice. We are good at being the "noble" partner who gives up herself for her family.
What we are not so good at is being the "bad" partner who isn’t the best parent she could be, who gets angry at her man over silly dramas, and who can’t do it all and keep everyone happy.

So instead of facing the shadow sides of ourselves, we project it onto others and see our partners as being selfish, heavy-handed, and useless. Those are the exact same qualities we wish we could indulge in ourselves. We wish we could forget about our children and partner for the day and just hand over the credit card at a day spa. We wish we could just order our children to behave rather than trying to reconcile and mediate. We wish we could just be lazy and let all the errands of daily life slide. We wish we could indulge those characteristics in ourselves, but, because we haven’t learned to accept that side of ourselves, we’ll fight an unending battle with ourselves until the end of our days.

Here’s a secret: men love it when women are less responsible. This is from no less an author than John Gray, author of Mars and Venus on a Date. Men may feel extremely uncomfortable when we have emotional tantrums, but at least it assures them that they’re living with a wild, unpredictable woman. If we present ourselves as Superwoman, then why should he even bother being Superman when we’ll do everything for him?

A recent survey of female business leaders in New Zealand yielding one interesting prescription for success: Women, it’s time to deal with the fact that we can’t please everybody. We will disappoint the ones we love most.

But instead of beating ourselves up about it, we can do something more proactive. We can learn to love our imperfect selves. We can practice our forgiveness skills on ourselves.

And I’ll tell you something even more wonderful that will happen as a result: you’ll find that unconditional love is much easier. Your partner sees that you can do something stupid and laugh about it, and he’ll know that if he does something stupid, you’ll find the humor in it as well. As your partner sees that you can admit to making a huge mistake and forgive yourself, he’ll feel comforted that if he makes a big mistake, he won’t have to deny it; he’ll be able to admit it with the confidence that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive.

Are you ready to live up to your own imperfect human self?

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YES.

I WILL LEARN TO LIVE UP TO MY OWN IMPERFECT HUMAN SELF.

9/04 . A quick catch-up on watz happenin'

Gee, its been quite some time since I last blogged.. and again, so much has taken place in my life... So here's a quick update on the major things happening in my life lately :

For a start, I'm now cleanly over with my relationship with Cupcake (Paul Burdon) my first boyfriend and sweetheart. He has agreed to stop contacting me and we've not been in contact for a month. He sent me a really sweet necklace and a gift from Jas & Jordan... and a few cards (Birthday Card and Christmas Card for 2006). I loved the Christmas Card.. I only wished I had received it whilst I was still loving him with all my heart. Right now, I admit, there are still aspects of him I love (and missed) and he will never be forgotten, BUT... but I have allowed myself - my heart- to move on. And I DID! I am happy~!!!! NEXT PLEASE!! (sigh, yes still a virgin. Grrrrrrrrrr~!! Hmm.. but I guess now that I've cooled off the passion, I'm glad we didnt do it -- He aint worth it after all!).

Then, I got to know a guy Sonny Ho who turned out to be a con man~!! A womanizer!!! Phew~ thank God I never made any "losses" other than being hugged and kissed.....(I'll have to explain about that later!). He's short, ugly, old looking and speaks/writes bad english. In fact, he's shorter than I am! Sigh, but I was too soft-hearted and guillable and naive. However, the right thing I did was to tell everyone about him what I knew about him! I told mum, told colleagues and told my best buddies.. hehehehehehehe... Hence his story was dissected and questioned and this help to check and balance things up for me. I admit, I was rather proned in believing him.. it all sounded so true, so real, so sincere.. not impossible.. yet unbelievable! Thank God for my protective friends. We exposed his lies and the truth has set me freeeeeeeeeee~! I'll relate the tale later I guess!~

Oh, in the Sonny Ho episode, Alvin was like a hero... and I gave in to my crush on him and actually CONFESSED to him my attraction. *URGH~!* Yes, I had the door slammed in my face. sob-sob-sob... He is attracted to me, but only in the sexual sense. He knows I am looking for something more serious, hence he doesn't wanna hurt me by using me and leaving. And he said, perhaps he's still recovering from his last breakup, and enjoying his freedom and singlehood currently. I respect that, and I pick up my shattered ego, pride, what's left of my torn and tattered heart... and crawl away. (OK OK.. I recovered quite swiftly from this, hehehehehehe... )

Then, I got to know an Indian guy named Paul. (AGAIN!!!!????).
Well, dont worry, I am not keen and not interested in him. He creeps me out with all the mushy talk when we had not even met, and when I told him I can only be friends. He has a chinese ex-girlfriend which is irrelavent to me. GRRRR. but I just dont have the heart yet to tell him to buzz off and stop sending me "goodmorning babe" and "Good nite, huggggs and kisses"... and "I wish for you.. ... Wish am with you... Wish we are sitting by the beach sipping wine and holding hands"... and always asking for me to send him my photo when he already had seen how I look. Oh, he found my profile at Match.com and added me on MSN directly. Anyway, currently I'm just being friendly. Did not even flirt with him nor tease him nor encourage him in any way!!! In fact I've been telling him NO NO NO NO NO!!!

There's also this guy Denis who wrote to me from lovehappen.com. I thought he sounded nice and wrote back and email, well, he's from France... so I dont see any harm. I kinda like what he wrote in his profile too. Sounds like a decent chap. He would be in Singapore soon - to work - but I'm not sure how long his stay will be. He has asked me to meet him for dinner and we did joked about going out every night for one entire week of dinner and movies, zoo and birdpark! Not sure if its gonna really happen, but it sounds like fun and I'm looking forward to it. However, I do have my reservations. After meeting a con man like Sonny Ho, and having found out that Hook was a womanizer, and the mindfucking Phil the liar, and complicated single-but-have-partner-kids-online-wife Paul..... I am skeptical. Oh, not to mention Alvin who just want to enjoy his freedom of singlehood (perhaps sex without strings attached as well).

I was so mad with Alvin the other night. I was just telling him that I've gotten to know a new friend from France who will work in Singapore soon etc.etc... He just began to say that Denis belong to the angmoh who contacts ladies before landing in the country to pre-arrange for free sex partner cum tour guide. I shared with him about my reservations, that I am skeptical too, and that neither do I wanna be viewed upon as a SPG (Sarong Party Girl - local ladies who swarmed to Angmohs and sleep with them etc.) and don't wanna cheapen myself. GUESS WHAT HE SAID???!!!??? he replied, that by even responding to or being friendly or meeting up with this french guy, I am already guilty of practicising the antics of a SPG. WOW!! What a slap in the face for me? WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS!!!!!!!???? Hence I told him how those words hurt and I cant believe he would think that way of me.. and it is totally insulting. His reply is ... "anything to grab your attention abt the frenchie guy". GRRRR He meant "its for your own good I said that". No thanks, Alvin, you are too self-righteous and I dont deserve such a slap from you. Rrrr.r..rrrr.rrrrrr...rrr *sizzle sizzle sizzle!*

But it did set me back.
I felt depressed.
I had looked forward to meeting Denis and now I suddenly feel insecure and frightened he's just another wolf. I dont want to be disappointed again in another person. Sighhhhh....

Looks like my love life has not gone well, nor has it gone the distance in any sense.



The other major thing is........
My job will likely end in August. The new owners of my company has decided to close down the Asia Pacific Head Office. Hence I will be laid off together. So this does kinda drag my spirit down.

Mum has also been suffocating me at home with all her tenticles. I felt like screaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 36 this year and can't I have a life without her supervising me closely? I mean, I was craving for the Mushroom Spagetti yesterday and I decided to take a bus all by myself to Bukit Panjang Plaza to eat it since nobody's home anyway. She came back home abt 11pm and started asking me what i ate, where, why... and began to nag me abt why I didn't eat the food at home. HELLO~!!! Those were leftovers from several days ago! One look at them and I lost my appetite, plus I am craving for something specific!!!!! WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE FUCKING FREEDOM TO EAT WHAT I WANT ... WHEN I AM PAYING FOR IT MY FUCKING SELF????!!! HUH?????????????? *huff-huff puff-puff huff-puff!*

I couldn't help but dream of a different life.

At the mall I saw young couples hand in hand buying groceries. I want that too.... I wanna be with my other half, in T-shirts and shorts, strolling in the alses of Cold Storage Supermarkets... and picking out fresh food, cans, wine, toiletries.. etc. etc.. sigh.. I dream. I also dream of going West Coast MacDonalds for breakfast with hubby and just hanging there sipping coffee and enjoying the morning and nice cosy ambience, watching people stroll dogs. Oh, maybe I'll have a dog too! However I do prefer cats... fat tom cats in ginger stripes. Meowww..
I also dream... once in a while I'll be down at the clubs dancing and having drinks with hubby, feeling all sexy and sensual and teasing each other in fun and loving ways.... MMmmm.... so nice.....

Dream on baby, dream on...

Meanwhile, life goes on! I'll just have to carry on and cope with what's in my life. I'll just have to prepare to be single for life perhaps.. but an involuntary one. All I know is, I'll not be promiscuous and will not do things that I can't respect myself for. Self respect and dignity will have to be guarded agressively. I dont have what it takes to gamble on loose sexual relationships or flings. I know I can't do it without getting emotionally affected. At least I know myself better, eh?


*self hug*

That's the update for now.

And tonight, I'll finally make an attempt to reset my laptop to factory condition. I've backup the data... and the last thing I need to do before running the "START UP" disk is to check the configurations of my broadband and some other programs, list down the necessary programs to re-install later... and TADAAAAAAAAA~!!! Hopefully my laptop will work like its brand new after this!!!!