Today.
What can I say?
Just can't take it anymore when he sent that last sms to me... totally confused and hurt and disappointed, I spent 40mins hiding and crying my eyes out at the office toilet, and somehow my disappearance triggered the concern of a colleague who thought she saw me crying when she passed me by on my way to the washroom.. Carol came and found me and coaxed me out of the cubicle. Tried to stop crying but just couldn't... my heart was just breaking up again... and tears just continuously stream down my cheeks. Carol gave me a hug and I just sobbed loudly again in her caring embrace... I needed badly to be comforted, because today, I have broken up with me boyfriend. I have broken up with Paul. I cried for a little while more... and my tears ended for him. Today will be the last day I cry for him, over him, about him. Will that be possible? Well, there's always another today hahaha!!! Judging by my nature, my tears will not end here. But yeah, at least for now, its just flowing inward.
My heart felt ripped apart, and a final sense of disappointment and devastation took over. I just cannot go on any longer.
I have loved him with all I have, the best way I know how, done all I can... and today, I reached the end of my strength to hold on. I could not lift up my spirit anymore to tell myself I can still go on... one more mile.. one more day.. till the next crisis.
More or less, I know my well has run dry. Somehow his love for Hani and his ever changing reasons for why he don't want to lose her friendship forever has confused me to the point that I no longer know which is the true story. Also the hurry to delete his yahoo account. Was there a promise made to her that he's deleting it and she's holding him to his word, proving to her again? So must he delete his account within 3 days to save the friendship? Maybe its my own fault. I just lack the IQ to understand. But the greater issues don't lie here... the greater issue lies with him changing his mind ever so often and not living up to his words. My fault for taking those words too seriously believing that when he say he wants to do something he will do them. I think I'm just being too hard on him. I am suffocating him like a micro-managing freak of a manager. My expectations of him are unrealistic. I think, its all my fault. I'm not cut out for a relationship. I'm too emotional and I'm a psychobitch. And I dont have what it takes for a long distance relationship with a man who has kids he can't leave, a partner he's still living with, and a girlfriend he never want to lose, has limited time for me, can't contact me at will, has to hide me from partner and girlfriend probably lie to them that i am just a friend, and don't want me to wait for him.
At the rate of how he is changing his mind about things and forgetting what he promised me and his stand on "free will and all" where anyone can have the flexibility to change their mind... how do I stand upon his promises over a long term plan and all the stages towards having a married life with me? I remember repeatedly asking him... really? and his answer is.. "Really". Are you sure?? "Yes I'm sure". And now he's not sure anymore. But yes, I can't be so unfair, we're talking abt leaving his kids. Sigh.. but then what about promising me that he'll keep the account till end of the year? I pleaded "please stay for another month till end of the year". Then he said just 1 month. Ok fine.. and now ... today... he said, he'll delete it over the weekend. Without an apology. How did things come to such a stage? Its all my fault. I won't blame him. I'm just too uptight. Too rigid. Tough boss, hahahaha..
I have not want him to cut Hani off totally though it will be really nice. I had only want that he will fulfill his word to me... that he want to sort things out with her, to bring his relationship with her back to friendship. Yet he continues to delay it, giving in to her ultimatums, so till today, its still hide and seek between them. Till today, she will start a new account somewhere he will follow. She delete it out of anger and he will follow. When will it ever stop? When will they stop behaving like a fighting couple and behave like "only friends"? I know I was eager to see it happen because... it is only when he and Hani are no longer in a relationship then can he be free to love me (without considering Maria). Otherwise, she's still his "significant half" as she refers to herself now and then. Sigh... when will I take such a place in his life? When will I be able to say I love you and I miss you in a public place like 360? She can do that anytime. ANYTIME, and nothing will be wrong with that. She will not get a question from him asking "did you do that on purpose? what was that for?". Sad for me. Yet he don't see it this way... he just don't see at all. Even if he did, he forgets really fast.... once he has Hani's tail and shadows to chase. I'll just admit that I lack that magic Hani has that keep him so addicted to her.
Anyway, I can only blame myself again this time. By expressing my disapointments in him I surely have hurt him in return. Not what I want to do at all... I want my man to be so proud of himself that he's making me happy, that he knows how to make me happy and keep me happy, and that he is not to be blamed, that he is not a disappointment. Yet I think I've done the opposite, I have made all the mistakes. I guess... it doesn't matter anymore... today, I'm out of his life and free him from living in this torment of disappointing me and hurting me and making me cry. OK, not his fault. I'm the one that is prone to disappointments and hurts and a cry baby so it takes nothing to create those results. Its me. I'm the one that goes wrong.
I just want to be happy again. I just want to stop being so hard on him anymore. What can he do what can he give? Why am I so impatient and unreasonable? Why does things had to be so tormenting?
Anyway, its time to walk away. We'll be happier in our lives this way after some time. Without me in his life, he won't have to lie to Hani anymore. In fact he can tell her he sorted things out with me, I'm gone, he fixed it, please take him back. And he don't even have to tell a lie. She don't have to feel hurt anymore. YAY, happiness for everyone! I will just become a good memory perhaps...
Time will heal everything. Just a matter of how long. I think it will take a long time for me to get over him. He has become everything to me.. he has gotten so deep in my life, so perfect so dear.. its gonna be hard for me to walk away and move on with my life. Everything will remind me of him and our dreams to be together. In my heart I know I'll still wait for a miracle. And I know I'll miss him deeply and badly... he has been my addiction for the past 5 months. I feel so lost. So lost. So aimless. Dead.
He is my first love, my true love, probably will forever be my deepest love. I doubt I can ever love any man like the way I've loved him ever. It's been a wonderful dream. The sweetest one.
I love you Cupcake. More than you ever know.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
14/11 . 360 nightmares once again
Finally wept when everyone in the office has gone home.
Due to everything... every brokenness I am feeling within me..
Why can't I but help feeling that he has been withdrawing from me? Though his reasons has been mostly due to the physical exhaustion, but it is beginning to seem he can do or cope with less of me. It makes me feel as though I am high maintenance and he is tired of meeting my needs for more of him.... in other words, he needs space.
First, he gently break the decision that he would stop taking calls during lunch so he can take a nap or read a comic book... i fully understand his explanation. He walks from home to work at 7.30am (and I'll call for 20mins along the way), arrives and starts work straightaway at 8am and non-stop walking standing till noon or 1pm for lunch break. During which he has to gobble up his salad and I will call, so he will walk outside and stand there in the cold to talk to me for 30-40 mins till Lunch break is over. Then back to standing walking nonstop till 4pm and he walks another 30 mins rushing home for dinner at exactly 4.30 or 5pm (during which I'll call for 20mins along the way). So he don't get time to rest at all like his fellow workers or time for himself.... if i were to call daily at lunch. I've been doing that for the past 2-3 weeks, on my end, its the best time ever.. because he is not on the busy noisey road dodging traffic while talking to me and I need not strain to hear what he is saying, plus he is not rushing to work or rushing home, its the best talk time, primetime!! ... Compared to the other 2 slots, hahaha.. OK but better than none!!! I hate the weekends because he can't talk freely at all.
Sigh.. anyway what I'm about to say is not fair to him, but it does seem that he probably don't miss me as much. He may really be missing me, but I guess he's really too exhausted and that will be the only opportunity to rest, and anyway it should be good enough that he's already giving me time to talk to him 20mins in the morning and 20mins later. But probably its an emotional baggage I've been carrying because of Hook.... I feel skeptical when a man constantly says he miss me yet has nothing but words to proof it, i.e. passive desire. How does it sound -- "I miss you so badly it hurts but please don't call me because I need to take a nap, or read a comic book"? People in love will lose sleep and seize every opportunity to be able to be together and talk till they eventually collapse. hahahah OK OK OK.... but those are my unrealistic and unreasonable expectations, and I know full well he is not trying to keep me off (oh but.. what if he really is but too nice to tell me????...) , and I know he is really tired (and old, haha.. ) and the job really does drain him out, plus the lack of sleep bcos he stay up late each night to MSN chat with me despite how tired he was (most of the times he has to wake up at midnight just to have the chat time with me)... in fact, he talked abt the idea of trying the free MSN mobile chat offer to see how he can still be in touch with me during his lunch yet allows him to sit and rest...
Am I helping to find excuses for him and denying my instincts? sighhhh.....
It's now 40mins past his lunch time and not a word from him. I miss him, I badly want to call him, but I know I have to hold it. He probably really need space and had an overdose of me. OUCH. I really should not call him anymore..... unless necessary, but I can't help it!!! I love him, I want to hear his voice, I miss him, I want his attention, I love to hear him talk and laugh.. sighhhhh) anyway, perhaps its time for me to go away. GOSH I feel like dying, the thought just gave me a seizure of pain in my heart. It's interesting how emotional pain can be felt so physically. Oh and let me digress... our heart has its own memory. And this memory is more powerful than the brain memory. Anyway.. erm... I wont go into details of this scientific research, hahahhaaa...
ACTUALLY...
I started this post because I was weeping over 360 nightmares again. He told me a day ago he will delete his current yahoo mail account entirely, it will result in his 360 account being killed off. Once again, I have to grapple with the agony of losing all his sweet words, tags, blog comments, messages written to me at 360. WHY??????? Why does it have to be this way each time? Friendster twice, and now 360 too. I feel robbed and stripped of all the treasures, love gifts & tokens of words from him, as though when he leaves he took everything away too, leaving no trace for me to look over whenI miss his words... sigh.
Making it a worse event is Hani writing him to tell him that she will be deleting hers (likely because he told her he is deleting his, so she's beating him to it). This is has really been a horrible game they seem to play to spite each other and I hate it. Whatever the real reason was it will seem to me that ONCE AGAIN, she leaves, and then he leaves right after or together, leaving me the one deserted with the empty carcasses.. No doubt the actual reasons for Paul deleting his account isn't that way, but somehow visually and emotionally for me it is as real as a case of history repeating itself. I couldn't deal with this picture in my mind and after the call with him, I broke down in tears in the conference room sobbing my heart out, its a freaking nightmare all over again...
In desparation I sent a pleading sms to him.. asking him if he could stay a month longer for me, don't let me feel that he has abandon me and leaving together with Hani.. (geez it seems so ridiculous of me now that I look back at it!!! URGHHHH~ no wonder he needs space hahaha!) ... Sigh... at least give me time to copy and paste over his sweet notes for me to somewhere (I am sentimental), and give me time to be emotionally and mentally prepared to see everything gone from my eyes once again. I'm glad he said yes. That meant a lot to me. Though he also said "but sorry it has to go" (hmm.. somehow he sounded annoyed, but I don't blame him, I know he's tired of this as well). I guess... by the end of the year, I would be fine and ready. Or maybe... I would have left. Gone. Finish. I don't know.
He has not had much time to write me mails lately as well, but I do know his constraints and exhaustion.... and some other new commitments. I won't be expecting daily mails as he had said he wanted to get into the routine of.. it stopped. But I know its not becos I stop sending him pictures, its because he has not been prepared for how exhausting and draining his work could make him, plus helping his kids with homework and Maria using the PC for extended hours. I stopped checking gmail eagerly for his mails also because I do not expect it anymore and I don't want to be disapointed. Hence I was quite surprised he actually wrote me 2 emails in the weekend... and I didn't know about them till he mentioned it.
But something has begin to trigger my concern about him and Hana. (Hana is his close friend from Czech). I think I'm just being overly sensitive and psychobitch. Will kill that thought for now.
I just know that things are starting to behave in the way that tells me I need to ease up on him and not suffocate him with my needs for his attention. I will try to hold the reins in when I badly wanna call him. Somehow I lost confidence in how much he desired my attention and time with me. I had been calling him, believing that this is what he really wanted to hear from me despite that he can't call so often due to financial constraints and he won't ask me to call because he's concerned about the cost on my end. Have I over did the calling?? Why doesn't he miss call me at all during the weekends though i keep asking him to do so when he misses me and wants to chat with me... he never did and does that mean he dont' really care if he talks to me or not? I know now.. I feel afraid somehow and I need to shrink into my shell and be coaxed out. Time for my darling to call me only when he really does miss me much, I guess. I wish he will stop worrying about the cost on my side, and I wish he would be less passive and misscall me so I would be able to call him back ... (its dirt cheap for me to call him, only S$0.048 per minute, i.e. S$2.88 per hour, that's less than 1 pound!!!!). When I whine about missing him too much, he would point out that I'm the one with all the free time and I should understand why he is tired and busy. YUP. He's right. Absolutely right. But guess what? I believe, I know will still be trying to get a call in to him be it for just a quick 10mins chat no matter how busy I am. I know I will, but he is not me. So I can't expect the same. OK... reminder to self : He dont' attempt to contact me doesn't mean he don't miss me or love me. In fact, he loves me more.
Gee, its a whole page again.. sighhh...
His lunch break came and gone. Nope I guess I'm not gonna be hearing from him.... yeah, I'm disappointed.. would have been nice to get a sms saying "how are you, i miss you during lunch". I miss him so badly.
Wonder when will I hear his voice again? Will he call later on his way home? Will he call me tomorrow instead when he's on his way to work? I hope he would. I hope and hope and hope and hope he would. Sighhh.. I need to manage my expectations.. lower it girl, lower it.
And remember... he loves you MORE.
Due to everything... every brokenness I am feeling within me..
Why can't I but help feeling that he has been withdrawing from me? Though his reasons has been mostly due to the physical exhaustion, but it is beginning to seem he can do or cope with less of me. It makes me feel as though I am high maintenance and he is tired of meeting my needs for more of him.... in other words, he needs space.
First, he gently break the decision that he would stop taking calls during lunch so he can take a nap or read a comic book... i fully understand his explanation. He walks from home to work at 7.30am (and I'll call for 20mins along the way), arrives and starts work straightaway at 8am and non-stop walking standing till noon or 1pm for lunch break. During which he has to gobble up his salad and I will call, so he will walk outside and stand there in the cold to talk to me for 30-40 mins till Lunch break is over. Then back to standing walking nonstop till 4pm and he walks another 30 mins rushing home for dinner at exactly 4.30 or 5pm (during which I'll call for 20mins along the way). So he don't get time to rest at all like his fellow workers or time for himself.... if i were to call daily at lunch. I've been doing that for the past 2-3 weeks, on my end, its the best time ever.. because he is not on the busy noisey road dodging traffic while talking to me and I need not strain to hear what he is saying, plus he is not rushing to work or rushing home, its the best talk time, primetime!! ... Compared to the other 2 slots, hahaha.. OK but better than none!!! I hate the weekends because he can't talk freely at all.
Sigh.. anyway what I'm about to say is not fair to him, but it does seem that he probably don't miss me as much. He may really be missing me, but I guess he's really too exhausted and that will be the only opportunity to rest, and anyway it should be good enough that he's already giving me time to talk to him 20mins in the morning and 20mins later. But probably its an emotional baggage I've been carrying because of Hook.... I feel skeptical when a man constantly says he miss me yet has nothing but words to proof it, i.e. passive desire. How does it sound -- "I miss you so badly it hurts but please don't call me because I need to take a nap, or read a comic book"? People in love will lose sleep and seize every opportunity to be able to be together and talk till they eventually collapse. hahahah OK OK OK.... but those are my unrealistic and unreasonable expectations, and I know full well he is not trying to keep me off (oh but.. what if he really is but too nice to tell me????...) , and I know he is really tired (and old, haha.. ) and the job really does drain him out, plus the lack of sleep bcos he stay up late each night to MSN chat with me despite how tired he was (most of the times he has to wake up at midnight just to have the chat time with me)... in fact, he talked abt the idea of trying the free MSN mobile chat offer to see how he can still be in touch with me during his lunch yet allows him to sit and rest...
Am I helping to find excuses for him and denying my instincts? sighhhh.....
It's now 40mins past his lunch time and not a word from him. I miss him, I badly want to call him, but I know I have to hold it. He probably really need space and had an overdose of me. OUCH. I really should not call him anymore..... unless necessary, but I can't help it!!! I love him, I want to hear his voice, I miss him, I want his attention, I love to hear him talk and laugh.. sighhhhh) anyway, perhaps its time for me to go away. GOSH I feel like dying, the thought just gave me a seizure of pain in my heart. It's interesting how emotional pain can be felt so physically. Oh and let me digress... our heart has its own memory. And this memory is more powerful than the brain memory. Anyway.. erm... I wont go into details of this scientific research, hahahhaaa...
ACTUALLY...
I started this post because I was weeping over 360 nightmares again. He told me a day ago he will delete his current yahoo mail account entirely, it will result in his 360 account being killed off. Once again, I have to grapple with the agony of losing all his sweet words, tags, blog comments, messages written to me at 360. WHY??????? Why does it have to be this way each time? Friendster twice, and now 360 too. I feel robbed and stripped of all the treasures, love gifts & tokens of words from him, as though when he leaves he took everything away too, leaving no trace for me to look over whenI miss his words... sigh.
Making it a worse event is Hani writing him to tell him that she will be deleting hers (likely because he told her he is deleting his, so she's beating him to it). This is has really been a horrible game they seem to play to spite each other and I hate it. Whatever the real reason was it will seem to me that ONCE AGAIN, she leaves, and then he leaves right after or together, leaving me the one deserted with the empty carcasses.. No doubt the actual reasons for Paul deleting his account isn't that way, but somehow visually and emotionally for me it is as real as a case of history repeating itself. I couldn't deal with this picture in my mind and after the call with him, I broke down in tears in the conference room sobbing my heart out, its a freaking nightmare all over again...
In desparation I sent a pleading sms to him.. asking him if he could stay a month longer for me, don't let me feel that he has abandon me and leaving together with Hani.. (geez it seems so ridiculous of me now that I look back at it!!! URGHHHH~ no wonder he needs space hahaha!) ... Sigh... at least give me time to copy and paste over his sweet notes for me to somewhere (I am sentimental), and give me time to be emotionally and mentally prepared to see everything gone from my eyes once again. I'm glad he said yes. That meant a lot to me. Though he also said "but sorry it has to go" (hmm.. somehow he sounded annoyed, but I don't blame him, I know he's tired of this as well). I guess... by the end of the year, I would be fine and ready. Or maybe... I would have left. Gone. Finish. I don't know.
He has not had much time to write me mails lately as well, but I do know his constraints and exhaustion.... and some other new commitments. I won't be expecting daily mails as he had said he wanted to get into the routine of.. it stopped. But I know its not becos I stop sending him pictures, its because he has not been prepared for how exhausting and draining his work could make him, plus helping his kids with homework and Maria using the PC for extended hours. I stopped checking gmail eagerly for his mails also because I do not expect it anymore and I don't want to be disapointed. Hence I was quite surprised he actually wrote me 2 emails in the weekend... and I didn't know about them till he mentioned it.
But something has begin to trigger my concern about him and Hana. (Hana is his close friend from Czech). I think I'm just being overly sensitive and psychobitch. Will kill that thought for now.
I just know that things are starting to behave in the way that tells me I need to ease up on him and not suffocate him with my needs for his attention. I will try to hold the reins in when I badly wanna call him. Somehow I lost confidence in how much he desired my attention and time with me. I had been calling him, believing that this is what he really wanted to hear from me despite that he can't call so often due to financial constraints and he won't ask me to call because he's concerned about the cost on my end. Have I over did the calling?? Why doesn't he miss call me at all during the weekends though i keep asking him to do so when he misses me and wants to chat with me... he never did and does that mean he dont' really care if he talks to me or not? I know now.. I feel afraid somehow and I need to shrink into my shell and be coaxed out. Time for my darling to call me only when he really does miss me much, I guess. I wish he will stop worrying about the cost on my side, and I wish he would be less passive and misscall me so I would be able to call him back ... (its dirt cheap for me to call him, only S$0.048 per minute, i.e. S$2.88 per hour, that's less than 1 pound!!!!). When I whine about missing him too much, he would point out that I'm the one with all the free time and I should understand why he is tired and busy. YUP. He's right. Absolutely right. But guess what? I believe, I know will still be trying to get a call in to him be it for just a quick 10mins chat no matter how busy I am. I know I will, but he is not me. So I can't expect the same. OK... reminder to self : He dont' attempt to contact me doesn't mean he don't miss me or love me. In fact, he loves me more.
Gee, its a whole page again.. sighhh...
His lunch break came and gone. Nope I guess I'm not gonna be hearing from him.... yeah, I'm disappointed.. would have been nice to get a sms saying "how are you, i miss you during lunch". I miss him so badly.
Wonder when will I hear his voice again? Will he call later on his way home? Will he call me tomorrow instead when he's on his way to work? I hope he would. I hope and hope and hope and hope he would. Sighhh.. I need to manage my expectations.. lower it girl, lower it.
And remember... he loves you MORE.
14/11 . Dream a little dream
The past whole month has been a really sweet dream. Cupcake was like a different man.... touching me and melting my heart all over again. He started reading up the blog, read up all the emails I sent him and began replying them one by one. I felt overwhelmed and utterly taken aback by his surge of persistence, tenacity and effort..
It took me some time to let down my defences again and started warming up to him all over again. I was touched by his sincerity and love. And for the past month we have been intimately and closely in touch with each other via calls and chat... and mails. I am even more deeply in love, running full speed ahead again, embracing everything towards a future with him.
We dreamed together... a plan... many plans...
He speak to his colleagues of me as his girlfriend, so for the first time I have been acknowledged. I could feel that i am in a relationship with him. I so badly want to declare him as my boyfriend to my world too! To inform the rest of the world that "yes, I am single but my boyfriend is in London, we plan to marry in a few years time". I felt really closer to him, more intimately connected in our souls, and I do feel married to him already. There's just this sense of "married-ness" between us hahahahahaha~!! It feels so good and so perfect. There were a few times we call each other lovingly as hubby & wifey. Yeah ok i know I'm giving people goosepumps with the mushy stuff, but yes, that's how I feel about him. I feel married to him. I feel like we're married but apart... as though he's been sent overseas to work for a few years. Sighhhh... am I freaking anyone out yet? I know I sounded kinda psycho. This will freak guys off definitely.
AND....
I had the most special birthday ever because of him.. just couldn't stop feeling happy! His calls, his texts, his ecard, his emails, his tag for me in 360....EVERYTHING!!! I felt like the most special woman in the world, and he has made my birthday this year absolutely memorable and sweet... not forgetting my other friends of course! I felt so loved by him and so wanted by him and I know he loves me above the other women in his life.
Then ..... somehow...
the bad news starts again. This time, it seems, me and him might end for good.
I don't know what to do yet, just in deep pain. So deep I can't feel much.. still in denial I guess. Tears will just trickle down an expressionless face once in a while.
It was really really nice dreaming. I wish the harsh truth and realities of life can be kinder to us. I wish for dreams that can come true... the dreams that Paul wished together with me. A miracle for us.
Nothing dramatic happened this time....., just an honest answer from him, and the dream is broken.
No, its nobody's fault... we have to be brutally honest to ourselves eventually. I am glad he finally admits that it will never be possible for him to bring himself to leave his children. I do not need any further explanation nor justification from him why he needs to be there for them. I would never ask him to choose me instead of them... I know he loves them above everything. I only feel so dismayed that once again I've allowed my hopes to be raised, allowed my defences to be down... and crash headlong again.
We were excited about plans for our future... he was resolute to begin his priorities... mostly finances related :
::::: SHORT TERM PLANS
-- first pay Hani back the money she loaned to him - by December perhaps latest next Jan, then savings goes into a trip to Czech to see his friend Hana, then to France DisneyLand with M & the kids, then a Laptop, then clear all his current debts... and perhaps a trip to Singapore. This potentially will be achieved by end 2007.
::::: LONG TERM PLANS
-- over the next 2-3 years, obtain a flat where M & kids can finally be housed and settled safely. Can't remember the other sequences offhand... but if I'm not wrong.. he will then sort things out peacefully with M, then move out and back to his dad's place where they are now staying.. and after having set aside some savings for our wedding, he will then ask me to marry him. Our wedding will be in Singapore, then maybe a dinner in Malaysia then finally I will be back to with him for a Wedding held in UK where he can show me off to his friends.... Mrs Ying Burdon I will finally be. :o)
Frankly, when I happily tell my bosom friends about my dream with him... they ask me if I'm sure about it, and if he would really do it as he said he would. I know I fought hard to convince them that yes, this is the plan and this time he seems decided and all set to put it into action because he knows he wants to marry me and will not give up. They will give me their encouraging smile, wish me all the best, hope that I'll be happy and my dreams will come true.
Sighhhhh... it hurts so badly... that I embrace these dreams like a naive little girl. I was in cloud nine and walking on air, all excited again though i was trying not to. No, he did not lie to me... he wanted it as much as I want it. WE WANT IT. But to do that, he will have to tell his children that "sorry daddy can't live with you anymore because daddy loves aunty ying and will marry her". I guess that is a cruel thing for the kids to grapple with... considering that in 3 years time, they will still only be 10 and 14 years old. They are not at the age where they will feel happy and glad for their daddy finding true love with the chinese woman he wants to marry for life.. UNLESS the unhappiness & fights they see day-in-day-out at home between M & Paul had made their little hearts wished their dad could marry a nice lady and be happy. Hahahaha drama and movie scriptwriting am I? Believe me, I am not really laughing. I wish it could be like this.... how ideal. I've seen movies where the kids are the ones who tries to find their dad a wife or girlfriend, sighhhh... I wish... Ok stop dreaming.
So, if I lay all the cards out on the table now, we'll have :
~* Card 1 -- Paul willing to be cruel to his kids and hope they will understand that daddy is still nearby will see them regularly but just not living with them once he marries Aunty Ying, hence I will continue to stay and wait for Paul till day of fulfillment of dream.
~* Card 2 -- Paul confirms it is impossible that he will change his mind now that he has think it through and he will never think of not living with his kids and does not see the possibility of marrying me, hence time for me to end this pain and move on with life.
~* Card 3 -- (This is the Wild Card...) Any miraculous turn of events allowing our dreams to be together possible (e.g. M kicked him out and want him out.... or M disappeared with the kids one day and can't be traced... or M found new love married the man and leave the kids to Paul... WOW!!!) , hence the false hope I could hold on to stay and wait a while longer, riding through the romance, giving it a chance.
I believe neither Paul or I know what to do right now. I know we just want to be together knowing we can never be.... I believe we only have Card 2 as the option, spelling The End of our sweet dreams. With all my heart, I wish to hold on just for the sake of a miracle... the Wild Card.
I will have to find a way to survive this crash and move on. Can I really? Everything in me refuse to wake up from the dream.... everything in me wants to carry on deceiving myself. Until he is able to make a choice and stick to it then can there be the glimmer of hope for us to be together one day. Can he marry me without leaving his children? Will there be the best of both worlds? I love him deeply but I know I don't have the greatest love in the world to wait 10 years in hopelessness and disappointment. A day goes by without him already drives me insane. But...... I can wait 2 years, I was willing to wait 2 years, and eventually when it has reached 2 years and if at that point he is already in the midst of actively sorting things out and putting the plans in action... I will stay till the day it is brought to fulfillment even if it means another wait of 2 years... because he is already halfway there. But now, i can't even see the 2 years because he is changing his mind again, I dont blame him. His children needs him more than I would - it will always be in this priority, I guess. Its just too bad for me, too bad for him.
It has been a sweet dream. I hate to wake up from it. Why why why? Why does it has to come to such a sad end?? Is there another way out?
God, please help me find my way. Please grant me a miracle.
It took me some time to let down my defences again and started warming up to him all over again. I was touched by his sincerity and love. And for the past month we have been intimately and closely in touch with each other via calls and chat... and mails. I am even more deeply in love, running full speed ahead again, embracing everything towards a future with him.
We dreamed together... a plan... many plans...
He speak to his colleagues of me as his girlfriend, so for the first time I have been acknowledged. I could feel that i am in a relationship with him. I so badly want to declare him as my boyfriend to my world too! To inform the rest of the world that "yes, I am single but my boyfriend is in London, we plan to marry in a few years time". I felt really closer to him, more intimately connected in our souls, and I do feel married to him already. There's just this sense of "married-ness" between us hahahahahaha~!! It feels so good and so perfect. There were a few times we call each other lovingly as hubby & wifey. Yeah ok i know I'm giving people goosepumps with the mushy stuff, but yes, that's how I feel about him. I feel married to him. I feel like we're married but apart... as though he's been sent overseas to work for a few years. Sighhhh... am I freaking anyone out yet? I know I sounded kinda psycho. This will freak guys off definitely.
AND....
I had the most special birthday ever because of him.. just couldn't stop feeling happy! His calls, his texts, his ecard, his emails, his tag for me in 360....EVERYTHING!!! I felt like the most special woman in the world, and he has made my birthday this year absolutely memorable and sweet... not forgetting my other friends of course! I felt so loved by him and so wanted by him and I know he loves me above the other women in his life.
Then ..... somehow...
the bad news starts again. This time, it seems, me and him might end for good.
I don't know what to do yet, just in deep pain. So deep I can't feel much.. still in denial I guess. Tears will just trickle down an expressionless face once in a while.
It was really really nice dreaming. I wish the harsh truth and realities of life can be kinder to us. I wish for dreams that can come true... the dreams that Paul wished together with me. A miracle for us.
Nothing dramatic happened this time....., just an honest answer from him, and the dream is broken.
No, its nobody's fault... we have to be brutally honest to ourselves eventually. I am glad he finally admits that it will never be possible for him to bring himself to leave his children. I do not need any further explanation nor justification from him why he needs to be there for them. I would never ask him to choose me instead of them... I know he loves them above everything. I only feel so dismayed that once again I've allowed my hopes to be raised, allowed my defences to be down... and crash headlong again.
We were excited about plans for our future... he was resolute to begin his priorities... mostly finances related :
::::: SHORT TERM PLANS
-- first pay Hani back the money she loaned to him - by December perhaps latest next Jan, then savings goes into a trip to Czech to see his friend Hana, then to France DisneyLand with M & the kids, then a Laptop, then clear all his current debts... and perhaps a trip to Singapore. This potentially will be achieved by end 2007.
::::: LONG TERM PLANS
-- over the next 2-3 years, obtain a flat where M & kids can finally be housed and settled safely. Can't remember the other sequences offhand... but if I'm not wrong.. he will then sort things out peacefully with M, then move out and back to his dad's place where they are now staying.. and after having set aside some savings for our wedding, he will then ask me to marry him. Our wedding will be in Singapore, then maybe a dinner in Malaysia then finally I will be back to with him for a Wedding held in UK where he can show me off to his friends.... Mrs Ying Burdon I will finally be. :o)
Frankly, when I happily tell my bosom friends about my dream with him... they ask me if I'm sure about it, and if he would really do it as he said he would. I know I fought hard to convince them that yes, this is the plan and this time he seems decided and all set to put it into action because he knows he wants to marry me and will not give up. They will give me their encouraging smile, wish me all the best, hope that I'll be happy and my dreams will come true.
Sighhhhh... it hurts so badly... that I embrace these dreams like a naive little girl. I was in cloud nine and walking on air, all excited again though i was trying not to. No, he did not lie to me... he wanted it as much as I want it. WE WANT IT. But to do that, he will have to tell his children that "sorry daddy can't live with you anymore because daddy loves aunty ying and will marry her". I guess that is a cruel thing for the kids to grapple with... considering that in 3 years time, they will still only be 10 and 14 years old. They are not at the age where they will feel happy and glad for their daddy finding true love with the chinese woman he wants to marry for life.. UNLESS the unhappiness & fights they see day-in-day-out at home between M & Paul had made their little hearts wished their dad could marry a nice lady and be happy. Hahahaha drama and movie scriptwriting am I? Believe me, I am not really laughing. I wish it could be like this.... how ideal. I've seen movies where the kids are the ones who tries to find their dad a wife or girlfriend, sighhhh... I wish... Ok stop dreaming.
So, if I lay all the cards out on the table now, we'll have :
~* Card 1 -- Paul willing to be cruel to his kids and hope they will understand that daddy is still nearby will see them regularly but just not living with them once he marries Aunty Ying, hence I will continue to stay and wait for Paul till day of fulfillment of dream.
~* Card 2 -- Paul confirms it is impossible that he will change his mind now that he has think it through and he will never think of not living with his kids and does not see the possibility of marrying me, hence time for me to end this pain and move on with life.
~* Card 3 -- (This is the Wild Card...) Any miraculous turn of events allowing our dreams to be together possible (e.g. M kicked him out and want him out.... or M disappeared with the kids one day and can't be traced... or M found new love married the man and leave the kids to Paul... WOW!!!) , hence the false hope I could hold on to stay and wait a while longer, riding through the romance, giving it a chance.
I believe neither Paul or I know what to do right now. I know we just want to be together knowing we can never be.... I believe we only have Card 2 as the option, spelling The End of our sweet dreams. With all my heart, I wish to hold on just for the sake of a miracle... the Wild Card.
I will have to find a way to survive this crash and move on. Can I really? Everything in me refuse to wake up from the dream.... everything in me wants to carry on deceiving myself. Until he is able to make a choice and stick to it then can there be the glimmer of hope for us to be together one day. Can he marry me without leaving his children? Will there be the best of both worlds? I love him deeply but I know I don't have the greatest love in the world to wait 10 years in hopelessness and disappointment. A day goes by without him already drives me insane. But...... I can wait 2 years, I was willing to wait 2 years, and eventually when it has reached 2 years and if at that point he is already in the midst of actively sorting things out and putting the plans in action... I will stay till the day it is brought to fulfillment even if it means another wait of 2 years... because he is already halfway there. But now, i can't even see the 2 years because he is changing his mind again, I dont blame him. His children needs him more than I would - it will always be in this priority, I guess. Its just too bad for me, too bad for him.
It has been a sweet dream. I hate to wake up from it. Why why why? Why does it has to come to such a sad end?? Is there another way out?
God, please help me find my way. Please grant me a miracle.
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