13/11 . Not So Cherry Merry A Me

Just had a difficult conversation with someone I respected an hour ago. She called me right after I reached home (abt 5pm) and wanted to know how I feel about another conversation we had on MSN a week ago. I had changed my mind and made a decision to not move forward with some plans for next year because I felt so totally unprepared for it in all aspects amongst many other reasons & factors which I've contemplated upon. She asked some really hard and pressing questions which made me felt so anal that I stop replying. During the week, she could feel the change in the way I responded towards her SMS'es (not the usual friendly light tones & smileys etc.) - either I gave no reply for the informative SMS she sent (usually I'll reply an OK or something), or my reply is just emotionless, I guess. Well, I gotta take my hat off her sensitivity.... or perhaps it's just too obvious, I'm never too good at hiding anyway, people always say they could read me like an open book (yeah right, just you wait.... you think you know me? Don't be too smug - I'm deeper than that!! I'm more complicated than that!).

Haaaaaaaiiiizzzzzz.... I hate it when others try to drum their values and their passion into me, when I'm not in the state of mind to listen or be open to what they have to say. In situations like this, LISTEN TO ME FIRST - my best friend is so far the most talented listener I've victimized, and I've flooded her ears with countless thoughts and feelings and questions and analogies and rubbish-talk and blabber that I know that she knows that her beautifully unfolded ears were made just for listening to me (BAH HA HA HA HA ... ). When I am grappling and dealing with so much conflicting thoughts and confusion, I really don't want to listen and I can't listen. In such times, trying to pep talk me or corner me to give an answer to things which I myself had not think through will only bring inner rebellion, negative attitudes, the urge to escape & withdraw, or simply, the mega ANAL emotions. I don't wanna be a stiff-neck, I don't need suggested accusations, I don't need to be judged, I don't need to be questioned in my priorities and values --- I just need to talk aloud to someone and hear what I'm talking, that's how I could sort things out. I just need time and space to pace myself comfortably again and I'll come to my senses. JUST BE WITH ME BUT LEAVE ME ALONE (*gah, I wonder if anyone knows what that means....sounds kind of profound and KNS KNS KNS*).

I'm really tired of expectations beyond me. I'm tired of the pressure I put upon myself. I'm tired of the need to explain things and account for things and justify for things. I want to be able to freely say, "No, I won't be coming" without the need to give a good reason or justify for why can't I be there - Can't it just be "I'm not going" and not "I can't go"?. I'm tired of being expected to be there faithfully, I'm tired of being committed and supportive, I'm tired of having the expected right attitudes (I wanna show my colors sometimes when something really piss me off!), blah blah blah blah blah...... I guess... I'm just tired.

My conversation with her opened up many other issues which I'm still trying to wrestle with myself, issues/topics that I had wanted to keep as private thoughts, things that I know she would find it hard to understand or unable to agree, thoughts and values which are still premature for sharing.... And it went to a stage I don't even know what I am talking about or hey was that what I was really feeling?? It's a mess. I may have misrepresented my own thoughts and feelings, I may be judged by my words and be misunderstood from now on, I may have added more confusion to my confusion. O dear God.

Oh help me, Lord. Bring me out of this valley where I can't see the road ahead.
Lead me and speak to me and let me know You are in control, that things are gonna be alright.

It's so hard talking to her this way... giving her my honest raw opinions and having her question me in return with more difficult and pressing questions. She's not really listening - She was on either counselling mode or persuation mode or some debate mode. Or maybe she did listen and understood me and she knows what she had to tell me to help me understand or come to terms with those issues. But I'm not hearing anything. I just want to put the phone down. And too cowardly to say STOP IT!!!! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMORE!!! I DON'T WISH TO CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!! --- And too polite to just press the Dial button. ARRRGGGH! Now I really feel lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy........... just lousy.... I never had a ready reply for pressing grilling questions, and it doesn't take a genius to guess that I usually don't win in debates nor quarrels, for all I would end up doing is clam up and get blasted by the other party till I'm up in smoke.

I'm a fool. Fools rush in. Fools are wise when they shut up. Wanna know how to be wise instantly? Here's a tip: Just think of something really stupid or foolish to say and DON'T SAY IT -- that's being wise immediately!! *grinz*

And yes, it's now 8pm and I've not yet gone to the gym. This means if I start getting ready to go, I'd be there at 9pm if I drive mum's car. Uuuugggggggghhhh......don't feel like it anymore - Was supposed to get there around 7pm. Now I just feel like stuffing my face with chips and more chips (like I did just now) and hide under my covers and sleep it all off -- that's my way of escapism...that's how I gain quick pounds as well...and this would just make me feel even worse later. NAH. I'll go gym. I must. I must. I must. At least that would be something that will help make the day slightly better and the weight slightly lighter eh? Or should I just go watch TV? TV..... hmmmmmm....... TV sounds good....

WHY DO TODAY WHAT YOU CAN PUT OFF TILL TOMORROW? (The Procrastinator's Motto). Well then, I'll go gym tomorrow morning. Today I'll brood.

I FEEL SO UNHAPPY :-(
Somebody gimme a hug....