25/07 . TIGGER

A month ago, the sweetest guy on earth (to me) did a write-up on me in his blog. It was so candid and well written I was stunned and surprised at how he had described me... sigh.. of course it instantly melted my heart.

The funny thing is.. at that point, he is just a friend and a soulmate to me. Period. I never thought further than that, never dared to.. but I do think the world of him. And at that time, my eyes were on someone else, sigh, how blind was I????? Today, fortunately or unfortunately, hahahaha.. OMG.. I admit to having really strong feelings for this sweet fella, sigh... It's amazing how interesting my life has been. At this moment, I can only say that he has conquered my heart.. (kind of too soon, I know, hahahahahaa.. but yes he did!), but will I conquer his? He definitely likes me but I don't have the answers now on how the future will be like, but right now, I treasure and cherish this special friendship, the openness, the closeness and the intimacy we share in our souls. (I'll be seeing him in London soon! Can't wait!!!!!!!!)

And why is it titled "Tigger"???? That's because Tigger is the pet name he gave me when he saw my pic in the Tiger costume, hehehehehe... Here it goes!


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Tigger
By Sweetness Cupcake (aka Brit-Boy)
18 June 2006

(Will try to upload other accompanying pics later due to current technical faults)

What can I say, if a picture can speak a thousand words this one of my new friend would speak volumes hahaha. It sums up viv in one nice lil picture, beautiful, fun loving, friendly, zany and oh so much fun to be around hahaha. I have not seen a picture of viv yet where she is not smiling or trying not to smile while taking horror pics (see below), its like she has a permanent smile etched across her elfin like features hahaha.

I was never a big believer of the old saying where when you lose something, it will soon be replaced by something more precious than what you lost.. now I understand it. Only a handful of times in my life have I come across people who have made sudden impacts in my life or immediate impressions on me, viv is among the select few. There was a period of time I was still mourning the loss of a close friendship to another, swearing to myself I would never trust another as much as I trust hani and as much as I once trusted huabs. Buuuuuuuuut somehow, some way viv slipped past my defenses in a matter of weeks hahaha. It's unusual because it takes a while to forge a friendship, make the bonds that last and get to know each other.. it was different this time. Maybe its because we share similar issues with a person who was once close to us, maybe its because we met through hani.. so trust and faith was established beforehand.. yay hani.

Don't be fooled by the pout hahaha, this Tigger (yup i spelled it wrong.. on purpose silly haha) has claws and is not afraid to use them. Kinda like mystique from the x-men, viv has a thousand and one faces and facets to her personality. I swear even in a lifetime I am not sure I would be able to figure her out hahaha, every time I think I have she does something to shroud herself in mystery again.. oh I wish I was able to do that. Each is more interesting than the one before, drawing you deeper and making you want to know more.. so stop reading this and start getting to know her hahaha! You will see for yourself once you start getting to know her there is no turning back, just beware the claws hahaha.

Urgh I’m not sure this pic was a good idea, I’m not feeling so good now I added it.. ewwwww blood. Well as you can see viv is always thinking of others, yup we all do but how many of you have given blood, time or possessions to help another? (hani you’re excused from this as you do that kind of thing all the time, ew..ew... not the blood though thing right?). Sigh viv I applaud your noble nature and as you know it was this pic that made me first message you, you are truly the sum of all your personality test said you are...just..just promise you won’t do that when I am in Singapore ok. Its noble and all but it kinda puts me off eating and even for free donuts and coffee I would not do that, maybe if they added whipped cream I might hahaha?

So what I wanted to say was this, thank you for being the kind of friend I thought I had only found in hani, I had thought these kinds of friendships were just a myth after haubs.. but you both proved me wrong. You really have got it all wrong you know hahaha, you think its a one way thing when I lift your spirits and chase away the clouds. But you have done the same since we met, hani is muted because of her dodgy asian tech laptop and I was all set to go insane hahaha...but you kept me grounded and sane. So thank you from me and on hani's behalf, not so sure she would want a drooling wreck when she returns hahaha. Any more cute names though and I will have a permanent blush hahaha, you have a talent for names viv, well that and smiling...so chin up, smile, lets kick ass one problem (or guy depending on who annoys you and who is chasing hani hahaha) at a time hahahha!!

Ok I could not resist adding this last pic hahaha, its just it reminded me of the korean movie "the grudge", yet..well I’m not sure the dead one in the movie looked this good hahaha. Scary..yet...cute don't you think so?


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Awwwwwww.... so sweeeeeeeeet huh?

Sighhhhhhhhh.....
Its' too bad this article has been asked to be removed from his blog.
I'm mourning its deletion. I guess my heart wasn't big enough to be cool about it in the end.. did not expect to feel such pain to see it gone. Such is life.

But still, I am grateful that it was once there, and glad I've moved it here. Feel tempted to remove some parts of the write-up (eyesore eyesore!!!)but I guess I shall retain it in its entirety for authencity's sake.

^_^

24/07 . Poem : I Carry Your Heart With Me

For cupcake..

A poem I like very much. First heard it from the movies "In Her Shoes", and felt deeply moved by it :

I CARRY YOUR HEART WITH ME

BY EE CUMMINGS

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

05/07 . Hurt

At 4am in the morning I'm writing this.. I guess this is another milestone in my life, in the negative sense.

Just learnt how deceitful people can be with their words.... the guy whom I was head over heels with... he told someone I'm driving him crazy with my sms, and that I mean nothing to him, he honestly don't care, plus that I know he have no feelings for me. Yet in the daily sms's, he would talk intimate stuff, telling me I am special to him. WTF.

It is good, I think, though it hurt real bad, but hey it does help me to snap out of this crush. I'm so blind. Such a fool. I cringe at the other hurtful things he said behind my back. Although sometimes it is better not to know, and be happy deceived, but in this case, I am happy about. Yes, I will cry buckets, but I will heal eventually. Better to learn that now than later, when I've given too much of myself.

I don't regret accepting my feelings and expressing them. I think those are giant steps I've taken in my reserved way with feelings for guys in the past. I never express them but kept them inside me. In this case, I expressed them to him, because of perhaps misleading signals I received from him. Hey, what am I to think when he wrote that I am his special gal, and that knows in his heart he likes me. Yet he's telling someone else he has totally no feelings for me. I am amazed. Of course I won't trust him ever again, he is so out of my life. And to think I was so in love and attracted to him.

And for the woman, never underestimate insecurity and jealousy. I have never intended to be a threat nor a 3rd party. But I cannot believe the suspicions and malice of words. I was accused of lying, and till now I don't even know what was it that I lied about!! haahhaaha

Anyway, I know I've always been trusting in my nature, and Twinkle has cautioned me and was extra protective. Now she's right again. sigh......

And this time, I have no idea how to be comforted. It's really double blow.

I am still stunned and in a dazed. My tears are not flowing as they normally would. Stuck somewhere, perhaps still in denial, perhaps the devastation was too great. The rejection I received this time is worse. I cannot believe the guy's words and hypocrisy. Just can't believe it. And cannot believe that this happened to me.

Again, I know Twinkle is seeing it unfold before her eyes, another incident where I told her about the new wonderful people I've met, and to show her how disappointing they turn out to be. And again, it's been just a few short month.

I will forgive. This time, I find it very hard to do so. But I will forgive and not be bitter.

Tomorrow they will realised they've been deleted from friendster as my friends. They'll see that my freindster blog is also removed. They'll find my email thanking them the fun and goodbye. What will be their reaction? Probably a sigh of relief that I'm out of their lives, and that my entrance has been a joke and will be retold from time to time "remember that viv?", and probably feeble effort will be made by any of them to clarify matters or retain my friendship.

All except for cupcake's. At least he's the genuine person among them. If it is not because of him, I probably would have been totally devastated to the core. Actually, sorry, Cupcake, I am not cool enough to stay on the scene and act as though I didn't know anything transpired. I'm not a hypocrite who puts on acts. I am not deceitful. I will stay true to myself.

Yes I did lie to Hani. I lied to Hani that you're not my cup of tea. But I said that to assure her that you and I are just "pen pals" and nothing is going on. I told her I don't believe in long-distance relationships. The truth is, yes you are my cup of tea. But only in the sense that I like my guy to be of your type of pesonality : Warm, caring, communicative, genuine, funny - you get the idea. And I told Phil that I lied to Hani and the reason why. HAHAHAHA this is the joke, so he might have pass that info on, that's why she called me a liar?????? Don't know.

OK. Glad to close the chapter on the recent "love". This is really Time Out for romance.

I have also agreed to go for movie and coffee with Martin next week. Maybe I'll give him the blowjob he wants, hahahahahahahah~!! Ok don't panic, just kidding.

How did things get to such a stage?
Positively speaking, my life is so interesting.
Negatively speaking, I am loosing hope by the day.

And sorry folks, I have to change my blog address again because both the Woman and the Guy were reading TweetieTalk. Maybe she didn't but she has the address.

I will be strong and will tough through this.
I have friends and I have family. I will be OK.
I will be OK.

I only hope I will not be naive again. And that I will not be double minded.

Time to sleep, if I could. Work tomorrow. Life will be simpler now without them.

01/07 . Afraid

I'm afraid.

Afraid I've fallen in love again.

The more I know him, the more I like him and feel attracted to him.
Met him twice so far, and each time I felt so different when I'm around him. Something about him that made me feel special.. hmmmm.. chemistry? But Chemistry should be double-way. So maybe its just his pheramones, LOL!!
At first its just a puppy crush, then now, I think I really do have feelings, deep feelings. Sigh...... like what a friend said to me (while I was crying because of him), that I "had it bad for him"..... I denied it during then, but now I guess I have to admit it. ARGH!

However, the bad news is this -
he is a man who will not be able to reciprocrate this love. He is not available, and not here to stay. Neither can I go with him even if I am prepared to do so... because when he goes, he's going back to someone else. Hence, even if he were to like me in return, he will keep a distance. He will not start a relationship with me.

As for me, right now... I don't know what to think what to feel what to do.
I think about him all the time, I wish I know how to know him more, how to care for him etc.... and wish he would try to know me better, learn to figure me out. Sad to say, I am only a friend to him but maybe more special.... but not for a relationship.
So, what do I do with my heart? I think I've given it to him.
Do I take it back? how?
I don't know how to reverse my feelings... I tried, and it only got worse. In fact, I want more and more of him - yeah, so greedy.

I had hoped that meeting him will help snap me out of it, because sometimes people are such a turnoff in person, hehe. Or sometimes they are not who you've had in your mind so thing just neutralises..... But meeting him made it worse for me - because I like him even more and more... and want more of him, want his attention & affection, want him for myself, want to be his special someone.. *Blush*.... And its really tough trying to hide my emotions. If only he knew what he saw was the tip of the iceberg. Plenty of it where it came from, hehehe..
How do I treat him as just a friend? How do I withdraw without too much pain? How do I do it silently and naturally without causing an alarm, without being noticed, without "acting strange"? It's impossible at the moment.

I know he is well aware of my feelings for him, and he probably felt bad about it, maybe even awkward. I don't want him to feel guilty for something that is not his fault, nor feel he is responsible for my happiness or well-being. Sigh.. But I do really have such a soft spot for him. I can't fully explain. I just know I could go insane. OK, I know I am already somehow insane. haha..

I think I really need to call a time out on romance.

But can I really do a time out? He has my heart already. :-(

I know I know I know.... I did call for a timeout earlier... however, he came along and I sort of shelved the timeout. Now that I know it's gonna be a deadend, then I just have to cherish and enjoy the friendship that we share, and in the meanwhile deal with the disappointment, keep my feelings, withdraw and maybe hide, and ride this period through till the feelings dissolve. Will it? Can it? I like him for so many reasons, the way that he is... (at least what I've known him to be so far, even despite the fact that he's quite a smoker!), not just feelings or fantasies... - I really do wonder if I'll ever meet someone better. Another person who has raised the bar for men in my life is Cupcake, a buddy soulmate (He's taken! He belongs to someone else! hehehe...) who knows how to relate to me, how to reach out to me, get me to talk, catch the naunces, nurturing, encouraging, sweet, funny etc... Sigh, I really really wonder if I'll ever meet another like them.

But the goodnews is, I am getting clearer in knowing what kind of man I wanna spend my life with... what I want, and what I don't want, what attracts me, what repels me. However, I am feeling very lost at the moment about myself.... I don't quite like myself too well right now. I'm too weak, too fragile, too emotional, too crybaby, too pessimistic, too clingy.... too needy.. too insecure. And in the presence of guys like him, I felt bad that I am not knowledgeable, I'm goofy and daft, I'm slow to react at times, not so smart, not so wise, not so sophisticated.. just an ordinary gal. Argh, plus I don't cook, don't do housework, don't know how to take care of people... *howl...........*

Sigh,........ I just seem to melt at his words, swoon in his presence, mesmerised by his eyes, my skin tingles when he is near me or when we touch - OK not just the shallow or physical side of things.. there are many things about him that I like and admire : He has a quick wit and wicked sense of humour, fun, kind at heart, well informed, intellectually curious, gentlemenly in his own way, protective, sexy (hehe...*blush*), capable, ... etc.. (OK, I think he's good looking, I don't care what others say - it's pleasing to my eyes, yum~). Yeah, he has flaws and weaknesses I'm sure, but I think I can win in that department of imperfection. I think I admire him because in many areas he is quite my opposite, has the strengths in area where I'm lacking, so perhaps its true - opposites attract. OK, not sure if he's attracted to my "opposite" of him. haha!

That being said, it's just too bad for me. Such is life. You can't have everything you want. (sigh, but I want...............)

And the funny thing is, while the man I most wanted can't give me his attention, those guys whom I don't desire are trying to get me to go out with them. How ironical. But such is life. Such is Life, such is life, such is life.

I am happy and grateful to have met someone like him. No regrets.
In fact, I'm happy to have met 2 men recently, whom I think if combined makes the perfect partner for me. hahahaha.... and of course, available (in time & location & resources) and emotionally ready for relationship (and eventually marriage).

Argh, I miss him already. I find him irresistable. hahaaahaaa.. silly woman. Got to curb the hormones a bit.

HOKAY!! Good to get this heavy emotional stuff off my chest. That's all I can say for now.

TIME OUT.

TIME OUT!!!!!!