01/07 . Afraid

I'm afraid.

Afraid I've fallen in love again.

The more I know him, the more I like him and feel attracted to him.
Met him twice so far, and each time I felt so different when I'm around him. Something about him that made me feel special.. hmmmm.. chemistry? But Chemistry should be double-way. So maybe its just his pheramones, LOL!!
At first its just a puppy crush, then now, I think I really do have feelings, deep feelings. Sigh...... like what a friend said to me (while I was crying because of him), that I "had it bad for him"..... I denied it during then, but now I guess I have to admit it. ARGH!

However, the bad news is this -
he is a man who will not be able to reciprocrate this love. He is not available, and not here to stay. Neither can I go with him even if I am prepared to do so... because when he goes, he's going back to someone else. Hence, even if he were to like me in return, he will keep a distance. He will not start a relationship with me.

As for me, right now... I don't know what to think what to feel what to do.
I think about him all the time, I wish I know how to know him more, how to care for him etc.... and wish he would try to know me better, learn to figure me out. Sad to say, I am only a friend to him but maybe more special.... but not for a relationship.
So, what do I do with my heart? I think I've given it to him.
Do I take it back? how?
I don't know how to reverse my feelings... I tried, and it only got worse. In fact, I want more and more of him - yeah, so greedy.

I had hoped that meeting him will help snap me out of it, because sometimes people are such a turnoff in person, hehe. Or sometimes they are not who you've had in your mind so thing just neutralises..... But meeting him made it worse for me - because I like him even more and more... and want more of him, want his attention & affection, want him for myself, want to be his special someone.. *Blush*.... And its really tough trying to hide my emotions. If only he knew what he saw was the tip of the iceberg. Plenty of it where it came from, hehehe..
How do I treat him as just a friend? How do I withdraw without too much pain? How do I do it silently and naturally without causing an alarm, without being noticed, without "acting strange"? It's impossible at the moment.

I know he is well aware of my feelings for him, and he probably felt bad about it, maybe even awkward. I don't want him to feel guilty for something that is not his fault, nor feel he is responsible for my happiness or well-being. Sigh.. But I do really have such a soft spot for him. I can't fully explain. I just know I could go insane. OK, I know I am already somehow insane. haha..

I think I really need to call a time out on romance.

But can I really do a time out? He has my heart already. :-(

I know I know I know.... I did call for a timeout earlier... however, he came along and I sort of shelved the timeout. Now that I know it's gonna be a deadend, then I just have to cherish and enjoy the friendship that we share, and in the meanwhile deal with the disappointment, keep my feelings, withdraw and maybe hide, and ride this period through till the feelings dissolve. Will it? Can it? I like him for so many reasons, the way that he is... (at least what I've known him to be so far, even despite the fact that he's quite a smoker!), not just feelings or fantasies... - I really do wonder if I'll ever meet someone better. Another person who has raised the bar for men in my life is Cupcake, a buddy soulmate (He's taken! He belongs to someone else! hehehe...) who knows how to relate to me, how to reach out to me, get me to talk, catch the naunces, nurturing, encouraging, sweet, funny etc... Sigh, I really really wonder if I'll ever meet another like them.

But the goodnews is, I am getting clearer in knowing what kind of man I wanna spend my life with... what I want, and what I don't want, what attracts me, what repels me. However, I am feeling very lost at the moment about myself.... I don't quite like myself too well right now. I'm too weak, too fragile, too emotional, too crybaby, too pessimistic, too clingy.... too needy.. too insecure. And in the presence of guys like him, I felt bad that I am not knowledgeable, I'm goofy and daft, I'm slow to react at times, not so smart, not so wise, not so sophisticated.. just an ordinary gal. Argh, plus I don't cook, don't do housework, don't know how to take care of people... *howl...........*

Sigh,........ I just seem to melt at his words, swoon in his presence, mesmerised by his eyes, my skin tingles when he is near me or when we touch - OK not just the shallow or physical side of things.. there are many things about him that I like and admire : He has a quick wit and wicked sense of humour, fun, kind at heart, well informed, intellectually curious, gentlemenly in his own way, protective, sexy (hehe...*blush*), capable, ... etc.. (OK, I think he's good looking, I don't care what others say - it's pleasing to my eyes, yum~). Yeah, he has flaws and weaknesses I'm sure, but I think I can win in that department of imperfection. I think I admire him because in many areas he is quite my opposite, has the strengths in area where I'm lacking, so perhaps its true - opposites attract. OK, not sure if he's attracted to my "opposite" of him. haha!

That being said, it's just too bad for me. Such is life. You can't have everything you want. (sigh, but I want...............)

And the funny thing is, while the man I most wanted can't give me his attention, those guys whom I don't desire are trying to get me to go out with them. How ironical. But such is life. Such is Life, such is life, such is life.

I am happy and grateful to have met someone like him. No regrets.
In fact, I'm happy to have met 2 men recently, whom I think if combined makes the perfect partner for me. hahahaha.... and of course, available (in time & location & resources) and emotionally ready for relationship (and eventually marriage).

Argh, I miss him already. I find him irresistable. hahaaahaaa.. silly woman. Got to curb the hormones a bit.

HOKAY!! Good to get this heavy emotional stuff off my chest. That's all I can say for now.

TIME OUT.

TIME OUT!!!!!!