05/07 . Hurt

At 4am in the morning I'm writing this.. I guess this is another milestone in my life, in the negative sense.

Just learnt how deceitful people can be with their words.... the guy whom I was head over heels with... he told someone I'm driving him crazy with my sms, and that I mean nothing to him, he honestly don't care, plus that I know he have no feelings for me. Yet in the daily sms's, he would talk intimate stuff, telling me I am special to him. WTF.

It is good, I think, though it hurt real bad, but hey it does help me to snap out of this crush. I'm so blind. Such a fool. I cringe at the other hurtful things he said behind my back. Although sometimes it is better not to know, and be happy deceived, but in this case, I am happy about. Yes, I will cry buckets, but I will heal eventually. Better to learn that now than later, when I've given too much of myself.

I don't regret accepting my feelings and expressing them. I think those are giant steps I've taken in my reserved way with feelings for guys in the past. I never express them but kept them inside me. In this case, I expressed them to him, because of perhaps misleading signals I received from him. Hey, what am I to think when he wrote that I am his special gal, and that knows in his heart he likes me. Yet he's telling someone else he has totally no feelings for me. I am amazed. Of course I won't trust him ever again, he is so out of my life. And to think I was so in love and attracted to him.

And for the woman, never underestimate insecurity and jealousy. I have never intended to be a threat nor a 3rd party. But I cannot believe the suspicions and malice of words. I was accused of lying, and till now I don't even know what was it that I lied about!! haahhaaha

Anyway, I know I've always been trusting in my nature, and Twinkle has cautioned me and was extra protective. Now she's right again. sigh......

And this time, I have no idea how to be comforted. It's really double blow.

I am still stunned and in a dazed. My tears are not flowing as they normally would. Stuck somewhere, perhaps still in denial, perhaps the devastation was too great. The rejection I received this time is worse. I cannot believe the guy's words and hypocrisy. Just can't believe it. And cannot believe that this happened to me.

Again, I know Twinkle is seeing it unfold before her eyes, another incident where I told her about the new wonderful people I've met, and to show her how disappointing they turn out to be. And again, it's been just a few short month.

I will forgive. This time, I find it very hard to do so. But I will forgive and not be bitter.

Tomorrow they will realised they've been deleted from friendster as my friends. They'll see that my freindster blog is also removed. They'll find my email thanking them the fun and goodbye. What will be their reaction? Probably a sigh of relief that I'm out of their lives, and that my entrance has been a joke and will be retold from time to time "remember that viv?", and probably feeble effort will be made by any of them to clarify matters or retain my friendship.

All except for cupcake's. At least he's the genuine person among them. If it is not because of him, I probably would have been totally devastated to the core. Actually, sorry, Cupcake, I am not cool enough to stay on the scene and act as though I didn't know anything transpired. I'm not a hypocrite who puts on acts. I am not deceitful. I will stay true to myself.

Yes I did lie to Hani. I lied to Hani that you're not my cup of tea. But I said that to assure her that you and I are just "pen pals" and nothing is going on. I told her I don't believe in long-distance relationships. The truth is, yes you are my cup of tea. But only in the sense that I like my guy to be of your type of pesonality : Warm, caring, communicative, genuine, funny - you get the idea. And I told Phil that I lied to Hani and the reason why. HAHAHAHA this is the joke, so he might have pass that info on, that's why she called me a liar?????? Don't know.

OK. Glad to close the chapter on the recent "love". This is really Time Out for romance.

I have also agreed to go for movie and coffee with Martin next week. Maybe I'll give him the blowjob he wants, hahahahahahahah~!! Ok don't panic, just kidding.

How did things get to such a stage?
Positively speaking, my life is so interesting.
Negatively speaking, I am loosing hope by the day.

And sorry folks, I have to change my blog address again because both the Woman and the Guy were reading TweetieTalk. Maybe she didn't but she has the address.

I will be strong and will tough through this.
I have friends and I have family. I will be OK.
I will be OK.

I only hope I will not be naive again. And that I will not be double minded.

Time to sleep, if I could. Work tomorrow. Life will be simpler now without them.