9/04 . A quick catch-up on watz happenin'

Gee, its been quite some time since I last blogged.. and again, so much has taken place in my life... So here's a quick update on the major things happening in my life lately :

For a start, I'm now cleanly over with my relationship with Cupcake (Paul Burdon) my first boyfriend and sweetheart. He has agreed to stop contacting me and we've not been in contact for a month. He sent me a really sweet necklace and a gift from Jas & Jordan... and a few cards (Birthday Card and Christmas Card for 2006). I loved the Christmas Card.. I only wished I had received it whilst I was still loving him with all my heart. Right now, I admit, there are still aspects of him I love (and missed) and he will never be forgotten, BUT... but I have allowed myself - my heart- to move on. And I DID! I am happy~!!!! NEXT PLEASE!! (sigh, yes still a virgin. Grrrrrrrrrr~!! Hmm.. but I guess now that I've cooled off the passion, I'm glad we didnt do it -- He aint worth it after all!).

Then, I got to know a guy Sonny Ho who turned out to be a con man~!! A womanizer!!! Phew~ thank God I never made any "losses" other than being hugged and kissed.....(I'll have to explain about that later!). He's short, ugly, old looking and speaks/writes bad english. In fact, he's shorter than I am! Sigh, but I was too soft-hearted and guillable and naive. However, the right thing I did was to tell everyone about him what I knew about him! I told mum, told colleagues and told my best buddies.. hehehehehehehe... Hence his story was dissected and questioned and this help to check and balance things up for me. I admit, I was rather proned in believing him.. it all sounded so true, so real, so sincere.. not impossible.. yet unbelievable! Thank God for my protective friends. We exposed his lies and the truth has set me freeeeeeeeeee~! I'll relate the tale later I guess!~

Oh, in the Sonny Ho episode, Alvin was like a hero... and I gave in to my crush on him and actually CONFESSED to him my attraction. *URGH~!* Yes, I had the door slammed in my face. sob-sob-sob... He is attracted to me, but only in the sexual sense. He knows I am looking for something more serious, hence he doesn't wanna hurt me by using me and leaving. And he said, perhaps he's still recovering from his last breakup, and enjoying his freedom and singlehood currently. I respect that, and I pick up my shattered ego, pride, what's left of my torn and tattered heart... and crawl away. (OK OK.. I recovered quite swiftly from this, hehehehehehe... )

Then, I got to know an Indian guy named Paul. (AGAIN!!!!????).
Well, dont worry, I am not keen and not interested in him. He creeps me out with all the mushy talk when we had not even met, and when I told him I can only be friends. He has a chinese ex-girlfriend which is irrelavent to me. GRRRR. but I just dont have the heart yet to tell him to buzz off and stop sending me "goodmorning babe" and "Good nite, huggggs and kisses"... and "I wish for you.. ... Wish am with you... Wish we are sitting by the beach sipping wine and holding hands"... and always asking for me to send him my photo when he already had seen how I look. Oh, he found my profile at Match.com and added me on MSN directly. Anyway, currently I'm just being friendly. Did not even flirt with him nor tease him nor encourage him in any way!!! In fact I've been telling him NO NO NO NO NO!!!

There's also this guy Denis who wrote to me from lovehappen.com. I thought he sounded nice and wrote back and email, well, he's from France... so I dont see any harm. I kinda like what he wrote in his profile too. Sounds like a decent chap. He would be in Singapore soon - to work - but I'm not sure how long his stay will be. He has asked me to meet him for dinner and we did joked about going out every night for one entire week of dinner and movies, zoo and birdpark! Not sure if its gonna really happen, but it sounds like fun and I'm looking forward to it. However, I do have my reservations. After meeting a con man like Sonny Ho, and having found out that Hook was a womanizer, and the mindfucking Phil the liar, and complicated single-but-have-partner-kids-online-wife Paul..... I am skeptical. Oh, not to mention Alvin who just want to enjoy his freedom of singlehood (perhaps sex without strings attached as well).

I was so mad with Alvin the other night. I was just telling him that I've gotten to know a new friend from France who will work in Singapore soon etc.etc... He just began to say that Denis belong to the angmoh who contacts ladies before landing in the country to pre-arrange for free sex partner cum tour guide. I shared with him about my reservations, that I am skeptical too, and that neither do I wanna be viewed upon as a SPG (Sarong Party Girl - local ladies who swarmed to Angmohs and sleep with them etc.) and don't wanna cheapen myself. GUESS WHAT HE SAID???!!!??? he replied, that by even responding to or being friendly or meeting up with this french guy, I am already guilty of practicising the antics of a SPG. WOW!! What a slap in the face for me? WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS!!!!!!!???? Hence I told him how those words hurt and I cant believe he would think that way of me.. and it is totally insulting. His reply is ... "anything to grab your attention abt the frenchie guy". GRRRR He meant "its for your own good I said that". No thanks, Alvin, you are too self-righteous and I dont deserve such a slap from you. Rrrr.r..rrrr.rrrrrr...rrr *sizzle sizzle sizzle!*

But it did set me back.
I felt depressed.
I had looked forward to meeting Denis and now I suddenly feel insecure and frightened he's just another wolf. I dont want to be disappointed again in another person. Sighhhhh....

Looks like my love life has not gone well, nor has it gone the distance in any sense.



The other major thing is........
My job will likely end in August. The new owners of my company has decided to close down the Asia Pacific Head Office. Hence I will be laid off together. So this does kinda drag my spirit down.

Mum has also been suffocating me at home with all her tenticles. I felt like screaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 36 this year and can't I have a life without her supervising me closely? I mean, I was craving for the Mushroom Spagetti yesterday and I decided to take a bus all by myself to Bukit Panjang Plaza to eat it since nobody's home anyway. She came back home abt 11pm and started asking me what i ate, where, why... and began to nag me abt why I didn't eat the food at home. HELLO~!!! Those were leftovers from several days ago! One look at them and I lost my appetite, plus I am craving for something specific!!!!! WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE FUCKING FREEDOM TO EAT WHAT I WANT ... WHEN I AM PAYING FOR IT MY FUCKING SELF????!!! HUH?????????????? *huff-huff puff-puff huff-puff!*

I couldn't help but dream of a different life.

At the mall I saw young couples hand in hand buying groceries. I want that too.... I wanna be with my other half, in T-shirts and shorts, strolling in the alses of Cold Storage Supermarkets... and picking out fresh food, cans, wine, toiletries.. etc. etc.. sigh.. I dream. I also dream of going West Coast MacDonalds for breakfast with hubby and just hanging there sipping coffee and enjoying the morning and nice cosy ambience, watching people stroll dogs. Oh, maybe I'll have a dog too! However I do prefer cats... fat tom cats in ginger stripes. Meowww..
I also dream... once in a while I'll be down at the clubs dancing and having drinks with hubby, feeling all sexy and sensual and teasing each other in fun and loving ways.... MMmmm.... so nice.....

Dream on baby, dream on...

Meanwhile, life goes on! I'll just have to carry on and cope with what's in my life. I'll just have to prepare to be single for life perhaps.. but an involuntary one. All I know is, I'll not be promiscuous and will not do things that I can't respect myself for. Self respect and dignity will have to be guarded agressively. I dont have what it takes to gamble on loose sexual relationships or flings. I know I can't do it without getting emotionally affected. At least I know myself better, eh?


*self hug*

That's the update for now.

And tonight, I'll finally make an attempt to reset my laptop to factory condition. I've backup the data... and the last thing I need to do before running the "START UP" disk is to check the configurations of my broadband and some other programs, list down the necessary programs to re-install later... and TADAAAAAAAAA~!!! Hopefully my laptop will work like its brand new after this!!!!