11/04 . Living up to my imperfect human self

I had a major shouting match with mum yesterday that resulted in her hurling her mobile phone at me and almost cutting me off as daughter. It is still about boundary issues, and this time I really stood my ground. Its almost the first time I shouted at the top of my lungs back at her as much as she was shouting at me at the top of her lungs. I refused to be intimidated and I refused to back off.

I had enough of her emotional control and intimidations and manipulations. I know she did it all out of motherly love care and protection, however, though it seems that I'm being ungrateful, I felt the need to push her off my territory and not have her invade my boundaries again and again.

It is still my fault. I was being a bad girl. hahahaahhaa!! I mean, I do feel really guilty about it, yet at the same time very stubborn. My mind is full of thoughts on how I should reconcile and make peace or perhaps give in to her control, yet I just wanna rebel against it. Not only am I fighting for my personal space and freedom, I am fighting to keep my sense of identity. I refuse to change the way I laugh. I love the way I laughed. Both mum and dad felt it is horrible and embarrassment to them and I'll scare men off and maybe remain single bcos of my horrific laughter. BUT!!!!! I WILL TAKE ONLY THE MAN WHO ENJOYS THE WAY I LAUGH, WHO ENJOYS LAUGHING WITH ME!!!! I mean, yeah, they fear that before the man knows me who who I am, he would have fled at the sound of my laughter. GEEZ!~ I guess i'll reconsider this point if it really did happen to me (someone will have to bring it to my attention that an interested man have been frightened off by my booming witch-like cacklings and wolf-howlings!!!!)

Anyway, I dont know how long it will take before mum and me will be on talking terms again. She's the type that wont forgive till someone apologized. In this case, she totally thinks I have disrespected her as my mother bcos I shouted back. And she thinks I'm ungrateful yadda yadda yadda and from now on she will not care nor bothered about me. FINE! I mean, I do feel the pinch, I do still wanna enjoy being cared for by my mother, BUT at the price of being suffocated by her questionings and lecturings and disapprovals, for now I'd rather brave and soldier-on through the cold shoulder treatments and have some peace and freedom. I'm breaking her heart I know, I'm a disappointment & a dismay to her I know, I made her feel that she's a failure as a mother I know. BUT! I can never live up to all her expectations! I refuse.

Came across this article last night and it encouraged me somehow....


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Taken from : http://www.seductiongenie.com/live/2007/03/08/disappointment/

Disappointment

Thursday, March 8, 2007
posted by amy


One of the challenges of adulthood is facing the fact that you have failed others. You have hurt loved ones. You’ve made mistakes. You’ve let down people you cared about, who were depending on you.

It may sound counterintuitive when I say that it is your ability to deal with failure that matters more to your relationship longevity than your ability to succeed, but I believe that it is true.
A man loves a woman who is imperfect and able to love herself anyway. She doesn’t hide her flaws or sweep them under the table, embarrassed. She doesn’t need to be defensive or brag, because she has nothing to prove.

Her relationship with men is not a competition to see who is the better partner, nor is it a drama where the list of who’s right and who’s wrong gets longer and longer. That’s because her concern is not whether she’s right or whether she’s coming across as the kind of woman she wants to be. Her concern is how healthy their relationship is and whether they’re growing together rather than apart.

We women know well that succeeding in relationships requires a great deal of humility and self-sacrifice. We are good at being the "noble" partner who gives up herself for her family.
What we are not so good at is being the "bad" partner who isn’t the best parent she could be, who gets angry at her man over silly dramas, and who can’t do it all and keep everyone happy.

So instead of facing the shadow sides of ourselves, we project it onto others and see our partners as being selfish, heavy-handed, and useless. Those are the exact same qualities we wish we could indulge in ourselves. We wish we could forget about our children and partner for the day and just hand over the credit card at a day spa. We wish we could just order our children to behave rather than trying to reconcile and mediate. We wish we could just be lazy and let all the errands of daily life slide. We wish we could indulge those characteristics in ourselves, but, because we haven’t learned to accept that side of ourselves, we’ll fight an unending battle with ourselves until the end of our days.

Here’s a secret: men love it when women are less responsible. This is from no less an author than John Gray, author of Mars and Venus on a Date. Men may feel extremely uncomfortable when we have emotional tantrums, but at least it assures them that they’re living with a wild, unpredictable woman. If we present ourselves as Superwoman, then why should he even bother being Superman when we’ll do everything for him?

A recent survey of female business leaders in New Zealand yielding one interesting prescription for success: Women, it’s time to deal with the fact that we can’t please everybody. We will disappoint the ones we love most.

But instead of beating ourselves up about it, we can do something more proactive. We can learn to love our imperfect selves. We can practice our forgiveness skills on ourselves.

And I’ll tell you something even more wonderful that will happen as a result: you’ll find that unconditional love is much easier. Your partner sees that you can do something stupid and laugh about it, and he’ll know that if he does something stupid, you’ll find the humor in it as well. As your partner sees that you can admit to making a huge mistake and forgive yourself, he’ll feel comforted that if he makes a big mistake, he won’t have to deny it; he’ll be able to admit it with the confidence that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive.

Are you ready to live up to your own imperfect human self?

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YES.

I WILL LEARN TO LIVE UP TO MY OWN IMPERFECT HUMAN SELF.