Wow its been almost a year!!!

Wow, time flies, and its been almost a year since I last blogged here!!! LOL!!!

And oh my, everyone must still be reading that I had a fight with my mum.. heheheheh, actually, the very afternoon we had the fight, we're already back to talking terms in the next evening (uh... so I discovered, after publishing the last post). It surprised me greatly that mum took it well, in fact, took it like a man. We even laughed about it and boy, it was great to get things off our chest .. I was so afraid that she will go suicidal on me - or pull out the usualy antics of giving cold shoulders or other emotional blackmail & modes of rejection. And things have actually improved since, ... because I made my point, I guess. And throughout the past year, I had guarded my boundaries jealously and tried to prevent her from unconsciously becoming overbearing on me again.

Soooooo much has happened in my life for the past one year. My life has been colorful indeed! I just have not been able to take up blogging again, ... for the good and fun times I was too lazy. Yet for the darker moments... I just find it hard to blog it down, spit it out. Things became too difficult & private to be shared and I was drowning in my own emotions and making sense of whats happening, and not be too devastated for too long. Tweetie always spring back!!!

Sigh... I can only say that I've finally tasted the forbidden fruit.. that was in May 2007. But things didnt work out and was too complicated (phew~ I'm glad!). I've learnt some lessons about being too naive and guillable - and lacks the ability to tell the wolf in sheep clothings. I've met and dated a couple of nice guys, wierd guys, horrible guys and also have been strongly pursued (*cough* KNS~) by a few but none which I felt I could consider. That was 2007 "lovelife".

In 2007, I was mainly busy with work - especially from May.. right after the Asia Integration took place. I have to assist in the retrenchment of a batch of employees and juggle the additional responsibilities and projects left behind by those who had to leave the company. However, I'm glad that I was able to bring my dad along to Europe in October, making it his very first trip there... when I had to attend a meeting in Scotland. He was able to visit the salmon farms and the processing plant with us and see Loch Ness and the Lochness monster, hahaha!!! On our return trip, we stopped by Amsterdam for 2 nights so he could see Netherlands as well. The trip pictures are posted in FaceBook. If you'll like to see them, leave me a comment and I'll get the links to you!

For the 1st quarter of 2008, I was in Belgium for a HR Meeting as well as 2 days of training on a profiling tool. It's likely to be my last trip to Europe on company meeting, I reckon. Things changed so much at work - I had to pack off our final 2 expats (the dutch GM and spanish Regional Finance Director) and have a new young boss who wanted structures and policies to be implemented (oh that project nearly killed me, working till 4-5am for several weeks till I suffered from chronic neck/shoulder pains & strains!!) and there will probably be more changes coming, ... ... sigh...

Oh, I have also been more active getting distracted and wasting time on Facebook (hahaha!!), made some friends who are nice genuine people.

Romance is in my life as well... recently. Tough choices to make and confronted my values, and what do I really want and look for. Sometimes it is really tough to have to say no firmly to a genuine sincere guy who is affectionate and caring and romantic etc (all I might have always hoped for) and yet knowing he's not the one for me. And to make things even tougher for me - I met someone, whom I can't stop thinking of since the 1st time we went out (16th March - a month ago). We dated 3x and there was so much chemistry, fun and connection between us - since the last time we went out (for badminton & dinner) he did not initiate contact again for 2 weeks. Like most women "in love", I went through the anxiety and fear of being rejected, self doubt, and battling with negative thoughts.

We started chatting online again and through the conversations, it was clear to me that he is still "shopping" and have not decided to make any purchases. Also, he is looking but not jumping into anything. He is not into committment and yet he expressed that he does like me. (DUH). He said there were many opportunities during the 3 dates for him to hug/kiss/do more to me but he held back and just behave gentlemanly because he wants things to be rock slow steady cool. If it was 5yrs back he would've jumped into a r'ship with me and make me his. However, he had come to realised that such quick jumpstart type of relationship does not last - more because he is the one who does not last, and end up the lady gets burnt and hurt by it - its sinful and he'll not do it.

But yet, he said he really do not mind having someone to share intimacy with, and he'll rather it be me - a fuck partner. I have to say NO to him.. because having had strong feelings for him, I will not be happy to be just a fuck partner, it will only crush me to powder and render me worthless. I can't do it with no strings attached. Besides, how do I move on and meet a man worthy of my affection, if I maintain such a complicated relationship? I am a one-man woman. My heart and soul and love is not capable of being divided. I guess, that is reflected into my inability to mult-task, hahahahahah!!!!

Anyway, I have rationalised things, and have to manage my emotions. It is hard for me to walk away from it, but pushing it will only make him despise me. I figured that in all his past relationships, it was always the women who tried to seduce, corner, pester him into it (when i pointed it out, he admits it!) - and hence, she was not what he had tried to win. How would he treasure her and cherish her? Not impossible, but its not my stlye to try to get a man's love by forcing my way and convincing him that he should love me and see my worth. Blehhhhhhhhh..... I guess, I am still old fashioned romantic. I prefer a man to see me as a treasure he wanna win and cherish and protect. Sigh...

I think, since I started dating men 2years ago, he is the first one I met and got smittened with. The other guys I developed feelings only after much pursuation, more like reciprocration. That's why its so hard for me to let it go. Anyway, life goes on. I'll ride it through, and hope the dark clouds will move away and let me see the rainbow and sunny blue skies again.

Honestly, I do begin to feel the fear that I'll still be unmarried and single and not belonging with anyone at age 40. Oh my, ... may love come my way soon. In the meanwhile, I must continue to hold my head up high and be courageous.

I know I am not that bad. hehehehehe... maybe losing some fats will help. Some fats = 10kg. (-_-")

Sigh, he said "You're a nice girl la very fun to be with, and very natural - has your own persona and attractive in your own way", but I think just being a "nice girl" is not enough right? I wanna be special in his eyes. Sigh~......... love sick again. Missing him again...