Chivas is good for Tweetie's soul

Just can't contain the misery I felt within my soul anymore...

Today has been a tearful day at the office - mine, of course, in silence.. grateful for the privacy of my own office. Sigh, soon this priviledge would be gone. But I'll be moving on to something better, I hope. Heartaches for the money flew away due to my stubborn stupidity & blindness as well as the pain of being manipulated and taken advantage of by a loser really got to me. For once, after such a long while, I thought I've finally met someone wonderful who seemed to have most of the right values and intentions, who liked me for who I am and liking me for the same reasons I love myself for. It's so hard to accept that its all an act and a means to deceive the old single ladies desperate for true love who have some spending power (Grrrr... ok, I'm exaggerating, I don't belong to that category, I'm irresistibly wonderful and adorable, as much as durian attracts flies and those who really appreciates durian.)

Had a fight with boss too, during discussions over the recruitment of a new lady to replace me due to something I said. But, my fights with him are always like "man to man" - no hard feelings on his side, just bruises on mine and I'll had to take some 20mins alone to sizzle & fume, then cry angry tears with clenched fists and dialated nostrials, then absolutely swear &%$#@ that he shan't expect any more of my loyalty and support no more (you fff.. fff.. FAT bbb..bb...bbbastard!!!!!!!), and yet -- next moment we were talking again like old friends, as though nothing had happened. All forgotten. Blehhhh... What's wrong with me? -_-"

Menses came today - as expected, so this explained part of the absolutely overwhelming melancholy I felt within my soul. I'm seldom miserable when menses are due.. I don't usually have the much dreaded PMS kinda manifestations some women have - but when I am going through an emotional rough patch or difficult period, I do feel it more and find it hard to fight off the negative emotions... just find myself unable to arise, to stand, to pull myself together.

Have just walked to the pantry to get me a little cup and 3 cubes of ice. Poured myself a shot (or 2 shots? Ok, one-inch high) of the Chivas Regal Whiskey displayed on my office cabinet to drink... hopefully it would cheer me up a little and bring some sweet rosiness to my puffy cheeks. Sighhhhh~.....

LOL~!!! Currently, on my side cabinet is displayed : A 3/4 full bottle of Chivas Regal (took back from K-box after a KTV session after a company dinner event in end-Jan), a 1Litre bottle of Macallan Elegancia Single Malt Scotch Whiskey (my birthday gift from Charlie, my boss last November), and a bottle of New Zealand Marlborough's Dog Point Vineyard 2006 Sauvignon Blanc (bought it about 6mths back), a bottle of sweet spanish Moscatel,(yummmmy~!! I love sweeeeet dessert wine!) a mini Eiffel Tower Cognac V. S. (I bought during my trip to Paris last August with Sheela) and a mini bottle of Ben Nevis Blended Scotch Whiskey (which I received as a welcome gift during the meeting in Scotland).

HEY!!!!! Let me take a pic and show you!!!
See?


side cabinet in tweetie's office - love the drunk doggie? haw haw haw....


Hahaha.. GOSH!! You know what???? whilst doing the pic (uh.. well, I took the time to arrange the bottles up nicely, reshuffled some stuff on the side cabinet for the sake of this photo-shoot), I'm actually fully distracted from my stinking misery and got into an amused mode, hahahaha!!!

Oh gee... I really really did start typing this post with tears streaming from my eyes down my cheeks (yes, drama..) out of pure misery that needed to be poured out in words!

Sigh~, Tweetie never change, does she? She's like a child so easily pacified, isn't she? wahahahhaha!!! I find myself sooooo adorable, wahahhahaa!!!! Maybe its also because I've gulped down my 2 mouthfuls of Chivas... hmm... I'm really cheered up! Geez, can't believe it. I'm really really so tickled. *giggle giggle giggle!*

Hmmm.....So..., should I still carry on this post? It was supposed to be another one of those sob-sob post accompanied by the soulful heart-wrenching Er-Hu music as I drown in self pity and whine like a victim. DUH.

Another time, maybe.

Somehow, I've snapped out of the moment. *guffaws~*

I definitely have lots of thoughts regarding what happened.

In fact, I laid awake in bed this morning just thinking of all the plots to seize back the S$700 camera gift I bought him. I struggled with the moral of taking back what you gave someone willingly and struggled with forgiving him and letting it go, taking it as a lesson - As a friend put it, it's quite cheap to learn it by paying less than S$1K. I also chided myself non-stop on how I could be so generous or kind or weak or plain stupid when I don't even spend such a formidable sum on myself, and who am I to call myself a Victim? I'm a self-made Victim! Yes, stabbing myself till I bleed to death.... Yet, I feel confused. Were there truth in what he said? What if I wronged him? What if I misunderstood him? NO, can't be. And I have no respect for a man like that. He pocketed the money and dare to tell me "honey you're sooo sweeeeeeeeeeeet... no one has ever been so good to me, not even my ex-gf!". I am so fucking stupid!!!! ARRRgggghhhh~!!! Even paid for his petrol!! Even top up his cash card!! Loser!!!! I deserved to be hung by my chest hair!!! (oh, I dont have chest hair, though.) OK, how about nipples. Hung by my nipples. (ouch!)

*deep sigh* ...

I feel absolutely, absolutely, lousy and miserable to the core.....

(=_=) .......

(-_-) .....

(~.~) ...

(^.^) ... Hmm... yes! Happy thoughts!! Positive thoughts! Uplifting thoughts!


Well, OK. I screwed up again (so soon).
But -- I am thankful, very very thankful, to have my close and beautiful friends near - who are encouraging and comforting and assuring and understanding....

Thank you Twinkle Star (my bestest friend), Hybridfighter (my cool & stylo new pal, what a privilege!), GoodDay (ok he doesn't know about this blog, but he's a supportive friend - KT, the one who told me that I actually aint' so sweet and caring as he thought, haha!! - But I think he's wrong, I can be absolutely sweet and caring, just not for anybody, -- especially not for guys whom I do not desire and whom I would never want to send wrong signals towards!!),

Sigh, but really, my final most miserable thoughts before jumping up from my desk earlier on to pour myself some whiskey and planning to cry tears of river while blogging was :
That thus far, I can't remember a man I've dated/met who have given to me, intead, only those who have taken from me or robbed me of what's precious! Sigh..... How I wish for a (desirable) man who would shower me with blessings.... and let me experience the wonderful bliss of being cherished and loved and protected and provided for. To feel like the "little woman", just melt and fall into the safety of his loving and assuring arms. . . . . sobsob.. I know this is just a fantasy, not realistic. Yet I am also not looking for a man to totally depend on, or make a slave of, make a victim out of, or to control, to possess. I just long for a special someone to share my life with, to belong with... and of course ... to have sweet (and exciting) intimacy with, heh heh.. :P

And yes, the words of my dear friend continues to echo in my ears (and replay before my eyes) : "Don't give up on yourself, Viv"!!

Yes, I will not give up on me.
I MUST NOT GIVE UP ON ME!

Keep breathing... keep breathing...
Keep living one minute to another, one hour to another ... one day to another...
And I will move on.

There are many other things in my life to celebrate about!
I've just been up the Singapore Flyer, I've had high tea on Sunday with buddies, I've bought a nice cheap dress that made me look wonderful!, I've cute nephews that adored me, I've got fantastic colleagues and pals from work (Princess Carol & Michelle, and even Jessica today who caught me crying and came into my office to asked me if I'm ok.. I'm so touched. *sniff-sniff*), and I've still got at least 30 years to live (if I live responsibly and take some extra care, heh heh..)

I am absolutely a treasure, a precious jewel, worthy and deserving of a wonderful man!
I'm growing and learning from all of these nasty experiences, yes, I must not be the one who stab myself to death. I must be the kindest and most loving toward myself. I must encourage myself. I must be my own cheerleader, I must forgive me for the mistakes and stupidity and foolishness and failures. It takes courage to be who I am. I should be proud that I've not gone mental (uh, am I qualified to say that I'm not mad ah? hahahaha..) and I'm still the same wonderful person who wears her heart out on her sleeve!!!!!

Sigh...
May my prince come soon... Prince O Prince of Tweetie, where art thou?
(Grrrrr~ better not take too long or else I'll give you a big tight slap followed by shrieking "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???!!! HUH!!! HUH!!!?? *piak-piak!!*)

LOL~.. darling, come lah, Tweetie wont hurt you. Tweetie sayang you already can't wait. hahahahaha.... drunk liao.

And now, more Chivas for the cup please.

(and, still got work to do aiyoyo..., and tomorrow morning got job interview to go!!!!!!! Wish me all the best!!!)

Oh yes, I forgot to mention ....
At 2pm (about 35mins after the "fight" with my boss), I finally took a break from crying and got out of my office looking like goldfish eyes and went toilet. Then I went to the pantry and made some Korean noodles to eat for lunch. Boss came in and drooled into my noodles! heh heh, no lah... but he also had not have lunch. I offered to help him cook - seeing that he wanted to make Korean noodles too, upon drooling over mine, but then he changed his mind and went to get lunch from the kopitiam. About 4pm+ he came into my office. Paused. Looked at the pictues on my pinboard. Then said, "Bye.. I'm leaving." So I said, OMG you got retrenched too?! hehehehhehe...~.~. He gave me a dirt cheap look, and said No, need to go off early. (duh, I'm just pulling his leg).

Anyway, he paused, and then mumbled.. "Mmmm.. looks like we'll become buddies after all...." (well, Boss always draws a line between business and personal. He ever said, only when we're not in a professional working relationship, can we be "friends". Otherwise, no crossing the line. That's a challenge for me, because I don't draw lines with people. And sometimes, I get his stinking fart in my face because I failed to observe protocol with him. He's the boss, you don't talk back to him. I do. Because I speak before I think.). Anyway, he continued to mumbled... "So that means I could take you to the movies next time". Hehehe, so I responded with a "Yayyyyyyyyyy~!!!! Can't wait!!!! Yipppy~!!!!" and he left looking amused. hahahahahaa!!!

Nah, its not what you think. There's no romance brewing. I've ever enthusiastically told him we could be movie buddies - and he's alone without family in Singapore he can always accept my family's invitation to join us for Chinese New Year dinners etc as a family friend etc. However, he had lots of reservations and said it would not be right because we're Boss & Slave, and its not right and need to draw the line. I'm just proving the point that, we fight, but no hard feelings. I just am glad that I've had a fine boss like him too. I'm a blessed little tweetie. I'm surrounded by nice folks and wonderful friends.

Perhaps, time for me to focus more on being a blessing to another, instead of focusing on my own needs and problems.

OK, better get back to work!!! ^__^