What a blunder!!! What a boo boo!!!

Urrggghhhhh... how could I?????!!!

Bloody shit, that is terrible of me!! I feel so damn lousy now!!! SHIT!! SHIT!! SHIT!!!!!

*BIG SIGH~* -_-

Now what have I done? That is cruel and careless and I don't think I can live with it. Can't!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Met up with Kurt for a movie tonight.

Some background on who's Kurt :

He's the last guy I dated, 3 weeks back on 17 April - the same fateful day I was informed of my retrenchment. The first date was magical... we seemed to share so much chemistry with each other - it felt unbelievable. The following day he was already sending sweet sms and calling me his darling. Then he asked me to celebrate his birthday with him falling on 28th April. I was thrilled and felt that finally I had met somebody genuine and not in a complicated situation. I had even embraced the hope that I might really go into a real healthy wholesome relationship this time with a man that I am mutually attracted to, who seemed to like me for the right reasons, who seemed to be not so bad himself - in fact, he seemed better than most of the guys i've met recently, other than Nick. Nick is still the most outstanding, yet not "normal" and "not available for committment".

Anyway, during the day we met for a 2nd date, things start to "go wrong". He had lost his digital cam due to some carelessness and needed to buy a new one. He asked if that could be his birthday gift. I agreed promptly, and later when my brain starts working, I felt like a lamb to the slaughter. Spent $700 for his camera., a Sony T300 latest model, add 2 years warranty. The 3rd time we went out, he claimed to be low on petrol and it won't last till end of the month, and has not been paid commission by the company he works for since Dec 2006. It seems that his base pay is damn low (Pay bucket is 20% base pay, 80% Commission), and he could hardly cope. He drives a BMW, by the way, and tonight I manage to get the licence no - It is SDY6699R. Anyway, I agreed to help him pay for Petrol. We realised that his cashcard is also damn low, at $5.65 when we entered the Orchard Cineleisure carpark, planning to watch a late night show. Hence, I also agreed to help him top up his cash card. Otherwise, he'll probably be in trouble out on the roads with the ERP gantries everywhere.

I passed him S$100 for the petrol, because he kept saying that in case we forgot to pump petrol and I ran off or went home, at least he has the cash to pay the petrol. At the Petrol station, I paid for the petrol with credit card, amount to about S$64. Then we stopped at 7-11 where I asked him back for the cash to top up the cash card. He only gave me one piece of the S$50 note back. I noted it silently, and helped him get the cash card top up with S$50. He never did give me back the unused S$50. This whole event set off all the warning and alarm bells in my system that he is most probably a conman out to cheat or prey on women's money. Yet, it is so hard to reconcile and tag him to such a crime. I guess, I was in denial. I wanted to believe that he really did like me and is sincere about me. I was not willing to believe that I met another asshole again.

Lots of things I find strange about him and really began to seriously doubt his integrity. I find him evasive, and a mystery. He claimed to be my boyfriend (since the 2nd date) and calls me his darling, wanna bring me for holiday in Bangkok in July, hinted that I will be his wife - yet all I get are sms that just asks where am I and what am I doing.... and no phone calls. When I call him instead, he either sounds uncomfortable on the phone or would try to end the call briefly. He never answer questions directly and if the questions were asked via sms then I can expect it to be ignored. I never had the luxury of chatting with him on daily ordinary stuff that could help us get to know each other. In fact, I dont feel that he was trying to get to know me better, nor allowing me to know him.

So now, back to tonight :

He had asked to meet me for a movie tonight. He said he had to be at a wedding dinner and will meet me after it ends about 11pm - and he'll be at the cinema around 11.30pm. Hence I booked the tickets for the 11.40pm show for SuperHeroes Movie at the Orchard Cineleisure. At 11pm, he arrived - early. It was nice to see him again though, he still looks charming in his own way, and of course, he was telling me that I looked absolutely stunning. Yet, I find that so hard to believe (although I do know I look sexy & fabulous & fantastic, heh heh~). Sigh.. I just can't believe a word of his compliment anymore. I do wonder if I'm being overly sceptical or cynical or suspicious of him. He behaved naturally, taking my hand or reaching for mine when we are heading somewhere. He took little kisses from my lips and held me by the waist or shoulders.. yet, I can't feel any closeness. Perhaps my heart has shut him out to protect myself against possible hurt.

While trying to kill time waiting for the movie to start (we had 40mins), I had hoped to have some time to sit down and have a talk with him, to clear the air - yet he didnt give me a chance. We stopped in front of some giant soft toys at one point and he asked me to pose and took a picture of me, using his new camera. He also asked me to help take one for him using the same cam. Yet when I said I wanted to take a picture of him & us with my camera, he just give me a cheeky smile and walked quickly away. This tells me he is simply not allowing me to have a picture of him. When I asked him why hadn't he sent me the pictures of us he last took at the Shangrila Blue Horizon, he just said that he can't do it due to a technical problem. I asked what technical problem - and he just said somehow he can't send it out, and asked me to send him my email address again. Geez, this guy is good, he avoid answering my questions by giving irrelavant answers. I just didn't want to press it at that point, besides, he kept trying to distract me with other things so I could not bite into the matter.

During the movie, we're almost like 2 strangers sitting beside each other. Except that before movie starts, he took both my hands to examine my fingers and nails. When I ask why, he said "nothing, just admiring them" and a quick little smile. During the movie, he was also yawning away and kept rubbing his right eye as though he's gonna dig it out. I could tell he's tired. Oh, he told me he skipped dessert to be able to arrive early at the cinema, because he didn't want me to wait alone for too long (I had to be there an hour prior to the movie to collect the tickets). I thought that was really sweet of him... yet, at the back of my mind, I wondered if he really did come from a wedding dinner at Ritz Carlton. I nearly wanted to take up his offer during the afternoon phonecall to meet him at Ritz and be introduced to the Bride & Groom. I only asked where the wedding dinner would be, and he replied that I sounded like his immature possessive ex-girlfriend whom he had to report daily to. Of course I was pissed off! Oh well, forget it.

After the movie ended, while walking out of the theatre, he rubbed his tummy and told me he don't feel good - probably due to the milk he drank. (Milk? When did he get the chance to drink milk? If I ask, he'd surely said he stop by somewhere after the wedding dinner to get milk to drink.) Oh by the way, he seemed quite an unhealthy person. He told me he has a weak bladder (which I asked after observing that he needed to go toilet pretty often during our past 3 dates) - I wonder if he just needed to go to the gents to call his other darlings. He also had weak stomach and don't take certain food well, hence prone to tummy discomfort. He easily don't feel well, feel nausea, or other stuff. Tonight, he claimed that he needed to keep walking about because his chest don't feel good, almost could not breath, not sure why and would feel better if he kept walking - I wondered if he was trying to avoid sitting down with me because he know I wanted to talk, and has questions to ask.

Anyway, as we're about to leave, I told him its ok not to send me home tonight - I'll catch a cab back. Besides, he really looked so tired and was not feeling well, I didnt have the heart to want him send me home all the way (he stays in Bedok, while I stayed in Bukit Batok) - perhaps can save some petrol as well. He gave me a grateful nod, said I'm so sweet... but insisted on sending me out with his car and dropping me off at the entrance. So I agreed. In the car, he asked me to close my eyes, took my hand, and he put a ring on my finger. I felt confused... touched... sad....... (-_-). I liked the ring, it is really very sweet of him, a really sweet surprise. The ring seems like an ordinary (cheap) costume jewelry, yet to me, its always the thought that counts. He said he noticed I seem to like rings, and they look good on my hand, and so he bought one to surprise me. I felt bad that instance about all the thoughts I have of him, yet, I know that there is also this great heaviness and doubt I feel in my heart and the initial attraction I had for him has sort of died - due to the lack of open communication, the doubts, frustrations and all that has taken place so far. SIGH...

When he dropped me off at the main road, he apologised sincerely for not being able to send me home, which I told him its fine, not to worry - and he drove off. I watched his black car sped off into the distance, and sms a short message to Twinkle. She had wanted to know how tonight went.

This is the part where, to my horror, I sent the message out to Kurt instead!!!!! OMG!!!!! How could my fingers be so dumb!!! How could I make such a mistake!!!! I tried turning my phone off immediately - but it was too late. The message has gone out to him. OH SHIT!!!!!!!

My sms says :
Just to inform that nothing happen. Didn't even get to talk. We just watched the movie- which was damn lame and not worth it. After movie I said its ok not to send me back, he doesn't seem well also. Gave me a ring as a surprise, sigh. Gonna catch a cab home now. Strange guy. I give up.Won't bother liao. Anyway, I no longer feel attracted to him nor want anything more. :-)

Seriously, my heart nearly stop.
I felt utterly utterly utterly lousy that this message was sent to him!!!!
SHIT!!!!!
There's no way to take it back!!!

Therefore, I sent another one to him saying :
Sorry I sent it to you by mistake, sms was meant for my best friend who wanna know how's my night....... but might as well you know how i feel. Sigh, I really dont understand you. I'm sorry.


Sigh!!!!!

That's all.

No reply from him at all.

I guess... both the messages would have sent him a strong and obvious message that it is time for him to fuck off, move off.

I wonder, if I've screwed it all up.
Tonight, he didn't mention anything about money at all.
Instead, he had wanted to get the tickets but I said I'll just do it online to ensure we have the seats we want.
And Instead, he GAVE me a ring.
What if ... he was really sincere about me but just have his own quirky ways?

Sighhhhhhh......... I feel so bad, so lousy, so remorseful. Why am I so careless!!!!

And of couse, I worry that he would be hurt. I have not intended to hurt anyone.

I guess, I just have to live with it.

What a twist of event. Perhaps it is for the better. Because I do know that me and him are not compatible in many areas. Communication is already one. Also, I don't think I want to constantly worry about his finances - whether he has money to pay for petrol, to pay for anything including food, or when will he pop the next question to ask me to help pay for something?

Urgh!!! WHATEVER!!!!
I think this boo boo I made will surely bug me for days, surely surely surely! I feeeeeeel so so so so so so so so so so bad about this. Sigh!!!!!!!! How embarrassing!

I hope he'll reply or say something. Whatever he might say will definitely help me feel better than plain silence, not knowing what he's thinking!

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Sigh....