Never thought I'll feel this way, what overcame me?
Just returned from interviewng a candidate for my replacement, done over lunch together with boss and the FM. That's what we usually do for a 2nd interview, in a casual setting. More or less, I think Charlie will offer the position to J.Lim, she's the one who does not have the "emotional" dimension in her personality. She seems to be the perfect fit, coming across as confident, composed, down to earth, modest, pleasant, experienced, competent and many more. The other "2nd strongest" candidate, LL whom we met again today, is also very pleasant - more outgoing and warm, someone who works smart and has the potential to go far. I like both very much. Frankly, I feel LLL will blend much better into the culture and bond better with the staff.
However, boss does seem to have a big problem with LLL, because he felt that she will potentially have outbursts of emotions and will offend people because of the lack of tact - that is based on the CVAT profile results. I tend to disagree, because I do feel that LLL is streetwise and will be able to handle people well, and in fact, able to be more approachable and nurturing than JLim.
From the way I observe how boss is so paranoid about those candidates who, according to the CVAT results scored low on politics (which means, they have the tendencies to be transparent, wearing their heart out on their sleeves, readable, expressive, trusting, takes things at face value, more direct, less subtle etc.), or scored higher in feelings & emotions, I begin to perceive that he is trying to avoid someone who may be blunt & emotionally rich - like me!!! Instinctively, (or perhaps just being hypersensitive), I felt he really would be happy to be rid of me. In fact, on the way back to office, in the car, he even said to me, "...That's why I don't want to get someone like you". Gosh!!! How sensitive can he be!!!???? I had to fight back my tears and the sense of rejection and hurt that threatens to just rise from within and take over. I went very quiet, though trying to look normal and cheery.
Suddenly, I feel very discouraged.
I feel so small and unwanted.
I feel as though I've been betrayed.
Perhaps he had not really meant it when he said he really don't want to let me go and was fighting hard for me to remain. Perhaps, he had not really fought at all! Perhaps he was happy to help push the coffin out into the water. Perhaps all the whole speech about letting me go earlier in June instead of July for my own good is just a whole sugar coating packaging to disguise his secret earnesty to get someone new and different. Sigh, I don't like this train of negative thoughts and where they are leading. I'm now guilty of feeding the wounds of rejection and thinking wild thoughts.
I was genuinely happy to have seen 2 candidates whom I am 120% sure would do a much better job than me, able to do much more, and add much more value to the company than me, at HALF the salary cost. Through interviewing them, I do secretly feel ashamed of myself and know that I am only half as good and efficient. I do know that I'm not doing something I am naturally good at, I am not working on tasks I enjoy or are good at doing. I did not have a choice but to just take on all the responsibilities thrown at me. I am the professional Unprofessional here. Sigh..
Although 2 nights ago during a discussion, boss said I should give myself more credit - but right now I wonder if that is just being kind & encouraging or does he truly meant it. I am not intimidated by the more efficient candidates who cost less. I know where I stand and I know where I came from. I know I am not cut out for such jobs. I know what I'm better at doing and it is not in juggling administration and multitasking and detail work. I consider myself blessed & fortunate to be sitting where I am and enjoying the perks and salary level for the past 6 months since the promotion. But all these will come to an end in a few weeks. I am down to earth. I know will miss it badly but life will go on. Wherever I land, I will just have to shine in my own way. Be happy in my own way.
I guess.. I just hate to have been living in self-deception or living under the false impression that everyone likes me and appreciates me, only to come to the rude awakening that it is not true or people thinks otherwise. Sigh..
I think, I also felt the pangs of being side stepped. I was the right hand person.. and it sort of made me feel important. For the past few weeks, boss no longer come to me for anything. The entire office renovation is handled by the FM, but in the past, boss would've at least still chat with me about what he thinks, what he plans to do, what do I think, anything I might want to add or he needs to consider.. etc. But in this project, not even an opinion had he sought of me. Why do I feel so sour about it? I guess I this is the downfall of being an emotional person. Feels too much. Thinks too much. Too sensitive. Am I being petty? Sigh... I guess, I was used to working closely with him and playing his sounding board and giving my input. The sudden change throws me off into insecurity.
And see?? Because I am emotional and sensitive, I am now unhappy over something petty. This is high maintenance. It will be draining and exhausting at work to not only deal with problems but also the feelings of sensitive emotional women who has problem hiding how they are feeling. No wonder he would want someone more objective and emotionally controlled. I guess.. those little "fights" I had with him does have its detrimental effects. I have been naive. I feel so lousy. I guess, its true that emotions in the workplace should be kept to minimal. I will probably need to improve on that. I doubt there is much I can really do about me. Sigh....
Colleagues came to me asking questions about the renovation, raising their concerns. But I have no answer for them. They are surprised that boss have not discussed any of the plan or details with me. I just shrugged and say that perhaps he knows there're too many things on my plate and he's leaving me to focus on those issues first. I personally believe that boss has not involved me in this project because I'm on my way OUT anyway and also will no longer be part of the team nor be directly affected by the new office arrangements, hence, just totally leave me out of the picture. And of course, I can't tell my colleagues that... I have to be cool and hide from them the fact that I'll be leaving... oh gosh, I feel such grief in my heart.
But soon, on Monday, they will be informed.
I expected that most of them would be sad to see me go. At least 3 of them had told me I'm one reason they feel that it is a great place to come to work. One said she decided to take the job because secretly she hoped I'll be her boss (during the interview), one had decided not to just quit without a job and decided to stay on and perservere because she felt that as long as I'm around, she has someone to relate to. But now, I think, perhaps I'm just flattering myself. Anyway, Charlie is an equally good boss who is fun and cares about the people. And JLim will be equally perfect as a new addition. My time is over, and time to move on. Hopefully, I will still be a blessing to somebody, wherever I land. I will try.
Hopefully, by tomorrow boss could decide who he would hire as my replacement. In a way, I hope it is JLim. The greatest advantage is - she can start work immediately (perhaps on Monday itself, haha!) and she will have no problem understanding the job. She can also act as an additional helping hand as well as allowing me to commence transition immediately. I will be able to leave as soon as possible. Maybe end of May! Wow!
I was feeling sad and down that I will be leaving the company. Past few days I have felt increasing sadness within me.. and with today's experience, I felt worse. Perhaps I won't really be missed after all. Sometimes people are just being nice. Better I go quickly la! I don't go where I am not welcomed or wanted. This is also the reason why I choose not to run after men. I don't have a strong inner game to handle rejection. Soft like tofu.
I think, now I just wish I have a big shell like the snail or tortise to shrink and hide.
Things really don't seem to be going on well for me.
I know I'm probably wrong, but I guess right now, I'm just having my pity party. I'll be alright when the party's over.
I know for a fact I'm loved and appreciated. I just don't feel it right now, that's all.. and feelings come and go. So you can't always depend on it. Urghhh... I'm hurting so badly.
With this, I do wish I am like the young girl Eve (a reader of Cresent Soar), who - even after being bombarded & trashed by everyone - still seems not to care and holds her own, retaliating and standing for herself and no one could beat her down. She's adorable in her own way, perhaps just misunderstood and immature.. although I will never wanna be associated with her. Anyway, it's not my nature to be trashing anyone with such mean words and insults (I've been doing that recently, without restraint) - I'm not proud of it. Somehow, that's kinda ungracious of me, hahaha!! (I'm so tempted to say who cares!). Aiya, hopefully I can resist the urge to tell her off in the comments again next time. Getting too involved or carried away is not good.
OK lah, gotta stop. Had to go down to Orchard road now to hand over the expat's apartment back to landlord. Then, followed by the slimming session at Beyond Beauty Park Mall. Yes, I signed up a promotional package last July for 8 sessions of slimming (hahahaha!! waste of money!!!) and now I'm just trying to fulfill it by using it up all at once, 2x per week for an hour of fat jigging treatment. I already know what the result will be : Softer fats, but none the lesser. Bcos all these treatment could only attempt to warm the fats up or try to break it down into smaller molecules to allow some drainage out of the body. Blehhhhhhhh~... whatever. I just hope I won't be persuaded to buy more extra sessions "to see results". Wait till I get my retrenchment payment and job offer. Then I will have some extra cash to throw into "effective shortcuts" to fat reduction. Kekeke...
OK lah, party's over.
It's ok lah, won't die lah. Disappointment only la.
It's ok........ Things are not as bad as they seem la.
Just need to see past the gloomy grey clouds, and bearing in mind that there are still the silver linings. Ya?
^.^
*self hug*
I've also still not told my family about my retrenchment. I'm hoping I could sandwich the bad news with the good news that I have another job to transit to. The potential employer have invited me down for a 3rd & final interview next Tues, hopefully there will be good news by Wednesday. That would be really really great! I would have something to look forward to. I wish me all the best!!!!!!
Go Tweetie go!!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
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1 comment:
Yo wazzup? Its so unlike you to feel so insecure and small. Dont have to tell your family about your retrenchment. Just say that u got a new job and need a change of environment. Tough times dont last but tough people do.
Honestly, i also hate insulting her and attacking her. But one thing that i do admire is her resilience for fighting for what she wants. We should take a page out of that and instill it in us.
Things are only as bad as how you look at them. = )
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