09/02 . A lesson on Emotions

This morning I woke up with foggy froggie eyes... yeah ... cried myself to sleep. Poor thing, poor me. *Hug-hug* ... And WAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! expecting to look like a puffer fish (yeah... had been gaining weight....), my cruel mirror on the wall informed me with a smirk that YES I do look like a puffer fish (the cutest one, heeeheee...) -- the polka dot puffer ppppfffffffisshhhhhh!!!!!!!! GRRRRrrrrrrr....Rrrrr.... *ROAR with rage* - The large angpao pimples (one on left, one on right - exactly on where people usually have their dimples, yah mine are pimples) that sprung from my chin near Chinese New Year, had given birth to MORE baby pimples. Not cute not cute!!! ARRRGH. What a way to start my day!

However, I still feel rather calm and collected. Somewhat serene. Or is it just pure NUMB and BLUR. hahahahha... I guess one of the reasons why women live longer than men is because we're able to release our tensions and fears and pains through tears therapy. Ooops~ this reminds me to drink more water today to top up the tear tanks. Dehydration is bad for the skin - I still wanna slow down the aging - and I've been having constipation. Have been drinking less than 2 glasses of water a day!!!! NO WONDER I FELL ILL!!!!!!

Anyway, I've given more thoughts to what I wrote last night.... the love I confessed and declared.. .the strong emotions I felt....the massive confusions. Well.. I think I shouldn't have allowed emotions to overcome me. Yet I'm such an emotionally rich creature, what to do? Sigh.... Time to pace things out and use the head. The heart cannot be trusted, and the heart can be deceitful and blind.

I miss him.......
OK, snap out of it. *splashes self with basin of boiling water* .. sss...Ss...ss.S....ss.. Wah shiokadoo!~

And in a way, I'm amazed to read an article today from an email I received 31st Jan this year, written by a man. I've left it untouched because I had no time to read such stuff, but today, somehow the title caught my attention and I'm glad I read it. It gave me a lot to think about. Anyway, I thought I'll share it with everyone. And this also provides for my further re-reading and pondering and reflecting.

It's damn long. I suggest you print it out if you wanna read it.
Anyway, if you're not interested, just scroll to the end to continue with more of my confusing thoughts. hehehehehe.....

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What Your Feelings Are Telling Him

There's one mistake that almost all women
make with men they're interested in.

This particular mistake is the source of so
many different problems women have in their
lives and relationships, that dealing with it
should be a healthcare benefit or something.

Ok, maybe that's a little extreme, but you
get the point.

And by the way, men make a similar mistake,
but it shows up in different ways.

The mistake is allowing yourself to become
OVERLY EMOTIONAL around the person you're dating
in a negative and self-destructive way.

So then what happens?

The short-lived emotional outbreak that was
only a big deal to you at the time, finds a way
to screw up the great situation that you have
going.

What's going on here with how men react?

Why do some men make such a big deal out of
having strong feelings, caring so much and wanting
to talk and share?

The truth is, doing these things is showing
the man that you're EMOTIONALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

And nothing says "RUN" to a guy more clearly
early on than these intense negative emotional
"episodes" and an out of control partner.

Let me remind you of something important...

When most women start dating a great guy, they
have a whole slew of POSITIVE FEELINGS, IDEAS and
BELIEFS about where things are going and how they
might work out.

These are common, satisfying and exciting
thoughts.

And often times, it's the power of these positive
feelings that are the catalyst in helping women
look past the FEARS and NEGATIVE FEELINGS from past
situations and move into something new.

In other words, these POSITIVE FEELINGS and
BELIEFS become the driving forces to "try it again".

In this situation, lots of women tell themselves
in the back of their minds:

"I'm smarter now."

"This time it's different."

"I'm over that bad period of my life where I
let jerks and immature 'boys' mess up my life."

"This guy wouldn't hurt me the way that other
jerk did."

But the reality is that lots of women who
tell themselves this aren't actually "different"
or "smarter" at all.

The only thing that's changed is the scenery.

Instead, they still carry the FEARS and
NEGATIVE BELIEFS that hold them back from creating
new situations and experiences in their lives.

But then it happens...

In the new situation, with the new guy, things
suddenly stop being so easy, so new and so "perfect".

And eventually something seems "off" or goes
wrong here too with the new guy, even if it's
something small.

And "WHAM!"

All the old fears and negative beliefs come
rushing back out of nowhere.

That familiar sick feeling in the stomach is
back.

The guy problems they thought they had left
behind followed them here too.

So they FREAK OUT.

They become anxious and those voices start
playing in their head again.

"There must be something wrong with me."

"There are no good men... they're all selfish
jerks and I'll never find one who gets me and can
really love me for who I am."

"I'll never find true love, so I should just
give up and stop putting myself through so much
pain."

I bet you've got a few of your own here to add
to the list from that negative voice in your head.

We all do.

And you know what?

All of these are utter and total CRAP.

Here's what I've learned about these voices...

When these negative voices start getting louder,
most women leave behind the confidence, "positivity"
and optimism they had with a man that helped create
the great situation in the first place.

And they literally become DRIVEN by fear.

All the goodwill disappears and is replaced by
defensiveness and negative sensitivity.

This is what it's like having ZERO control of
your emotions.

And guess what?

This is 100% "GRADE A" MAN REPELLENT.

Men do not want to get involved or committed to
women who act emotionally dependent from the start
and "lose it" at the first sign of difficulty.

When most women see the first signs of trouble
or that a man is acting "non-committal" after
becoming close and "invested" in the situation,
they FREAK OUT inside.

When a man doesn't call back or starts to
withdraw, they get upset and afraid and act in fear.

When a man doesn't share the same feelings at
the same time in the same way, they become nervous
and unsure in everything they do with a man.

The point I'm making here is that if you allow
yourself to become TOO emotional and fearful in
situations with men, and dependent on their behavior
for your emotional state, it will screw you up.

Guaranteed.

And even worse than letting your emotions
control you and your behavior is trying to TALK men
through all of the emotions and fears.

This is a nail in the coffin.

Think about it for a second...

Most men don't even talk through their feelings
or fears with their BEST FRIENDS.

Men prefer to confront, challenge, ignore or
break through fear in some kind of masculine way.

Anything but observe or share fear. It's not
part of their make-up.

I know it doesn't make sense, but it's the truth.

Get where I'm going with this?

But hold on a second...

Emotions are GOOD, right?

Shouldn't we listen to them and respect what
they're telling us?

Doesn't a man need to be there for his woman if
she's going through something?

Aren't emotions the thing that allow us to
really EXPERIENCE life in a deep, rich and
meaningful way?

And isn't it wrong and harmful to try and
"control how you feel?"

Isn't it better to just "be who you are" and
not beat yourself up because you feel or think
about things in a certain way?

And wouldn't ignoring or avoiding your feelings
turn you into someone you're not?

Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say "I
can't help the way I feel"...?

We all have.

We even have TERMS that we use to describe when
we're overly upset and just need to "get it out".

We call it "venting" or "dumping".

I call it the "drama vomit". lol

So here's the question I'm getting at...

Is it "OK" it to be upset, to get emotional,
and to show EXACTLY how you feel inside with men?


YOU CREATE WHAT YOU SHARE

To make things simple, let's put emotions into
two categories...

There are those that you could consider "positive"
emotions or those based in "joy".

And then there are "negative" emotions. or those
based in "fear".

In other words, there are the emotions that
make you "feel good" and emotions that make you
"feel bad".

We all know that emotions aren't "self-contained".

Isn't it frustrating when you feel angry or down
and you just want a man to hear you and listen to
you - but then they get all wrapped up and intense
just because you wanted to share?

Well, if you've ever had this happen to you and
you got frustrated or angry about it, then you've
got something important to learn.

Emotions are CONTAGIOUS.

In other words, when you feel an emotion, you
can very easily pass what you're feeling on to the
person you're sharing it with.

And the stronger you feel the emotion, the more
it will "over-ride" the other person and get them
on your emotional level.

Even if their level is CONSTRUCTIVE and POSITIVE
and yours is DESTRUCTIVE and NEGATIVE.

And when an emotion starts to become too strong,
it literally TAKES OVER your mind and body.

Then you're driven with your body language and
your words to share that feeling.

In some situations, this can be a very powerful
POSITIVE thing for a person.

Imagine your favorite actor or singer giving
a world-class performance... you can literally
FEEL the emotions they're feeling.

Or how about when a man surprises you with a
romantic night with candle-light and he's open,
connected and sharing himself with you.

It can be an amazing experience when they allow
their emotions to take over. And you get to go
there with them.

But it can also be a very powerful NEGATIVE
thing as well.

Have you ever been spending time with a guy
and he became LESS CONNECTED to you as you were
becoming MORE CONNECTED to him.

It probably made you so nervous, anxious and
out of control that you made yourself sick.

When an emotion becomes so strong that it
actually "becomes you", your behavior and your
sole motivation... then you're out of control.

Emotions can actually trick you into trying to
CONTROL others, just to get back to where you feel
comfortable.

And instead of simply communicating what it is
that you're going through and what you want, you
actually try and make the other person FEEL the
bad things that YOU FEEL.

Ouch.

And sure, the short-term payoff for this is
usually some sense of immediate relief or resolution.

You get your feelings off your chest and get
to release them, which can feel great at the time.

But the long-term effects aren't so sunny.

So let me ask you...

What if your quality of life and your
relationships could be BETTER than the negative
emotions and fears that hi-jack your mind?

What if you made a man feel a deep sense of LOVE
instead of sharing the contagious NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
that come from your fears?

And what if you broke out of those same old
patterns that keep happening again and again?



FEAR AND THE UNCONSCIOUS POWER OF EMOTIONS

Strong emotions create strong MEMORIES.

We tend to remember things better if we were
feeling a strong emotion at the time.

Especially if the memory came during or after
an intense emotion.

I can remember so many situations in my life
where I was too nervous and afraid to share myself
completely with a woman or to "be myself".

So I kept one foot out the door and I'd never
say much about what I really wanted and needed in
a relationship.

It was my secret excuse and my way of staying
unhappy so that I didn't have to fully commit to
creating a great life with the woman and take any
responsibility for my own experience or the woman's.

I can remember situations TEN YEARS AGO vividly
where I was so nervous and uncomfortable when
relationships became serious that the emotion burned
the image into my mind.

When this kind of thing happens a lot (like it
has with me), it starts to make a "feedback loop".

In other words, most of the strong memories I
had about relationships with women were situations
where I SCREWED UP and made myself feel unhappy,
unheard and uncomfortable... so I had less and less
comfort and confidence as the years went by that I
could never feel happy in a long-term relationship.

Give me a nod here if you know what I'm talking
about.



THE "EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION" THAT WILL MAKE A MAN
ADDICTED TO BEING CLOSE TO YOU

I'm sure you've already figured out that I'm
going to suggest that you learn how to "own"
your emotions in situations with men.

Let me talk for a moment about the reasons WHY
it's important to do this.

Remember, when it comes to ATTRACTION, all of
the "logic" changes.

You have to stop thinking about what you've
learned about being "in touch" with ALL of your
emotions and realize that a man's ATTRACTION isn't
triggered by you being EVERYTHING that you feel.

That's a nice fairy tale, but it's a lie.

Your friends, your parents and your
girlfriends might give you "unconditional love"
and understanding in this way, but men won't
start to feel love, passion and connection with
you if you're playing out ALL the things you feel
with him.

So I have TWO good reasons why you need to
learn how to own your emotions around men:

1) If your emotions "own you" early on, you probably
won't even be able to talk to him or date in a fun
and spontaneous way that men crave. You'll just be
too FREAKED OUT to even get to the good stuff with
him - and God forbid, help him see his way through
all his potential hang-ups.

(Not that you want to...lol)

2) Men aren't ATTRACTED to women who let their
emotions control them all the time and drive
their interactions. This is ESPECIALLY true when
women act needy or overly-sensitive to anything
the guy does or says. Overly needy women will never
figure out how to get to that fun, playful, risky,
passionate state with a man that brings him close
and spells "long-term girlfriend material" in his
mind.

We talked about the first reason already.

Let's talk about the second one.

Why don't men like women who are overly-emotional?

Because men NEVER feel ATTRACTION for women
that they can CONTROL.

The more control a man has over you, the less
ATTRACTION he feels for you.

The less of a CHALLENGE you are, and the more
PREDICTABLE you become, the less ATTRACTION he
feels. It's very simple.

To put it another way; if you're the type of
woman who lets her emotions TAKE OVER, then you need
to learn how to "own" them.

If you don't, you're going to have a VERY hard
time succeeding with men after a date or two.

THE FIRST STEP...

I think that the first step in learning how to
own your STRONG emotions is to realize how they're
created or "triggered".

Most strong emotions are TRIGGERED.

Something happens that "pushes a button" inside
of you and BAM!... the emotion happens before you
even have a chance to think about it.

But the fact is that these "triggers" have a
structure to them.

There are all kinds of little things that
happen during that "trigger".

One of the biggest insights that I've had about
these "triggers" is that they're usually caused by
making something that happens MEAN something
negative.

In other words, it's not the actual situation
itself that "pulls the trigger" or "pushes the
button"... it's what you think it MEANS.

For instance, let's say that you've met a
great guy, went on a few amazing dates, and then
he wasn't as quick to call you and make plans as
he was at the very start.

You wait a day or two, and he doesn't even
call.

What do you usually think?

"Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he has a
another woman. Maybe he's trying to avoid me.
Maybe he's withdrawing like those other guys
did in the past."

In other words, we make the fact that he
didn't call back MEAN all these different things.

Another HUGE insight I've had in this area is
that women allow their imaginations to take over
and imagine the WORST possible outcomes.

Then they get nervous about that outcome
happening and FREAK OUT.

The point is that most of us (men and women)
use our minds to imagine the WORST possible
outcomes for dating and relationship situations...
and it pushes all the wrong buttons, and gets us
all nervous and upset... which, of course, makes
us screw everything up.

When it comes to men, it's important that you
lose the need to make everything MEAN something...
and STOP imagining the worst.

Think about those situations when a man
doesn't call you back... or plays hard to get.

Yeah, thinking that someone is playing games
sucks, but the belief that there's a "game" going
on is exactly the kind of negative meaning I'm
talking about.

If you immediately start to wonder where he
is... what he's doing... and who he's with, you
create the game in your mind.

Then you make up pictures in your mind of him
out with other women, doing fun things without
you, etc. and it's really upsetting.

Bad idea.

This is the kind of thing that makes us do
all KINDS of stupid things that scare the other
person away... like calling 100 times a day,
asking where he was and what he was doing, etc.

Instead, start doing yourself a favor and:

1) Visualize your ideal outcome.

2) Make POSITIVE meaning out of the experience for
yourself.

If he doesn't call you back right away, imagine
that he is freaked out with his own life and
schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let
him go), and make it mean that when he finally
DOES talk to you, he's going to be even MORE
interested because it took you so long to catch
up with each other.

If he tells you he's not ready for a
relationship right now because of his past,
realize that he's first of all feeling that way
because he REALLY likes you and has had to think
about being in a relationship because his feelings
are so strong.

He's scared of his deep feelings for you and
doesn't know how to deal with that yet.

And that once he figures it out for himself,
he'll miss you and want you... and you don't have
to be there waiting around for him to grow up.

There's nothing wrong with you or how you are.

And it's great that you got to see this problem
of his early on, and that it's his to deal with.

Does this stuff sound strange?

Well, I'll tell you something...

All of the women I know who end up in great
long-term relationships, with great attractive men
think this way.

This is their mindset.

Have you ever noticed that confident people seem
to get more confident.

That optimistic people tend to get more
optimistic.

That people who believe in luck seem to get
more and more lucky.

And that people who are negative seem to become
more and more negative.

It's almost like a universal magic. The more we
expect things to go well, the better they go. Try
it, it works.

Also, start noticing those particular things
and situations that trigger your strong "negative"
emotions.

Learn to spot the signs that it's about to
happen, and then learn how to keep yourself
centered.

If you can learn how to do this, the quality
of ALL your relationships in your life will
improve DRAMATICALLY.

Especially with men.

Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, so
to speak.

It's also important to learn how to improve
your self-image, overcome FEAR, maintain your
emotional and physical attractiveness, and
communicate using your "truest" indicator of
desirability to a man - your body language...

Then you can learn how to learn, grow and
stay connected with a man in each and every
situation that comes up.


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Well, hope you've gained some insight from it one way or another. I did. I need to examine my own emotions and how I express them... and perhaps, I really do need to address some fears I had which triggered the emotions I released.

In fact, I wonder ... when I say "I love him"... do I actually mean I love ME?????? hahaha... because it seems to be all about ME ME ME. I like the way he made me feel, the way he understands and appreciates me, the way I felt when he kissed me and hold me... blah blah blah blah.... Geez. How selfish and self-centered can I be? And have I mistaken self-centeredness for love?????? But .... is there anything wrong with that? Sigh... again, I have no answer to that.

I was like a moth to a flame... flying into the fire of his intimate love.. Yeah.. I really really felt that way, unable to pull away.. captivated, enchanted, fully immersed. Romantic? Beautiful? Foolish? That's so suicidal, yet it sounds like total abandonment. Is it really worth it? Is it worthwhile to abandon all pride and dignity to pursue a man who promise that he will never (or highly improbable) give you back the dignity you deserve? I guess that again, is dependent on how each woman see it. Does marrying a man means gaining dignity? Some woman lose theirs when they married some farking assholes! hahahahhaa... And another thought.... why plunge in so deeply when he's not prepared to do it with you? In the end, you have everything to loose while he has everything to gain... yet... is it true that you loose everything? Perhaps I gain his affection and tender care and attention day by day.. though it doesn't last forever. Anyway, no one can promise forever love, really... I don't believe it anymore, though I dreamt of it. Yet I still believe in the pledging of love. It is the man taking up the courage to say he will try, though he is not sure he really can live up to it, yet he promise that he will do his best, vice versa.

And sadly, today, marriage to some people is just a piece of paper. I have a friend who is happily living and enjoying a love relationship with her partner. She's a divorcee with 2 grown up children, and she's turning 50 this year. They're already enjoying an exclusive relationship for years. He proposed marriage recently, she turned him down. Why???????!!!!!!????? Well, that's because the paper does not make a difference to her. Her carrying his surname does not make any difference either.. plus other personal reasons. However, I respected this man who made his intentions for her clear. He wanted to look after her for life, he wanted her to belong.. (not to keep her bounded or out of possessiveness or ownership kind of crap), he wanted to give her a name... so she won't be improperly labelled... I think he wanted to give her the dignity he felt she deserved as his woman, perhaps even to be able to inherit his wealth if he were to meet sudden death. Well... good intentions. A noble man makes noble plans. SHE TURNED HIM DOWN. She has her own way of looking at things. heh heh heh...

Anyway I just don't know what to think anymore, timeout.