08/02 . Fallen

A man came into my life on 25th January and have swept me off my feet.. just 2 weeks plus ago.. and the days followed has became such a roller coaster ride that today.. I'm an emotional wreck. I've fallen.... fallen in love, and fallen headlong from the roller coaster... CRASHED. CRUSHED. CRUMBLED. CREAMED. (creamed? *scratch-scratch* hur-hur-hur... Cr..Cr.. Cremated? hehehe.. )

Today marked the FIRST TIME in my life.. where I've EVER confessed my love to a man. Yeah. I confessed my love, and desires, and dreams of being with him, being his. I told him that I had found my harbour, and need not look further... and I wanna make it with him...that I'm ready to give of my whole self to him - all that I am. Yah, it's true. And to think that through all those years past, I've NEVER confessed, in fact, will deny till the end, on all the countless crushes I had on guys.. I will always try to hide it, keeping it secret, though sometimes its so bloody obvious to everyone. I am too afraid of rejection. And this fear often paralyses me. Yet - I CONFESSED MY LOVE TO A MAN TODAY!!!!!!!! ... and I realised it only on my way back home, as I strutted along in a daze... taking a longer walk around the block... a more desolate way away from the crowds of people returning home.

"Awwwwww... how brave how romantic how did it go??" you must all be thinking... O Well...

The sad thing is.. I was confessing to a man who will probably never marry. Why did I say probably never.. ?? because... its not an absolute. He might marry one fine day.. but ... it is highly improbable that he will ever take that path of marrying anyone. He will never marry me. SIGH~ Ok, I should never say never. It's not an absolute. It's unlikely that he'll marry me.

So, I've been ditched before I'm even hitched. SAD. *looks up to clear blue sky and laughed hysterically with open palm, tears streaming down face*

I don't know where to start or how to begin telling this story. I'm in a dazed. My heart bleeds. My thoughts are jammed up. I have so many mushrooming thoughts and theories and questions and answers... and emotions.. All I know is, that night when he held me and kissed me, when I return his embrace and kisses... I felt eternity. I felt like I've never felt before... it's electrifying, My whole being melted by his sweet caress. I felt safe and secure in his embrace, I felt cherished by his every tender touch, I felt my life merging into his... I felt desire burned throughout my body. And I felt this is the man I wanna watch TV with, go for walks, talk about daily stuff, share my life's moments with, brave the storms with, and have lots of fun together.... to grow old with. This is the man I'm prepared to love, because I thought.. I thought he love me. Because of his words... what he wrote and said to me... because he had offered me a love that seemed unconditional, he offered light in times of darkness... even when I was unsure about him, even when I couldn't overcome the hurdles of my shallowness... -- But in the end, I realised that he had offered friendship. NOT LOVE. I'm so silly.

But what is love? Is it just a feeling? No, Love is a choice, the experts will say. And the christians will quote you 1 Corinthians Chapt 13 and also tell you God is love. Do I know what is love? I think what I have for him are feelings... are those feelings of love? Will it last? or will it fade? What will be left when the feelings are gone? What must be done to maintain and sustain those feelings? Does it require feelings? I ask many questions, yet I do not have the answers. (and... erm... can't be bothered to think too deeply lest I fall asleep. hur-hur hur...)

How did he win my heart in such a short time? Well, HE IS DIFFERENT. Not because life has been unfair to him, not because he swim in circles.. hahahahaha... but because, so far -- He is the only man who had discovered me. Yeah~ He had not come looking for me because I had a sweet smile or my picture looks good, its because he was intrigued by the way I write.. and as we talked online, he got more intrigued (which got me very intrigued) and began asking the very questions that penetrated deep into the center of who I am and open up my world to him. He touched me deeply by his sincerity on wanting to know me... And he appreciated the very things, the core things that made me unique. He made me feel that he really understands me. His compliments made me so boosted up with confidence. His attention made me feel attractive, and he made me feel so accepted in the deepest sense of my being, .... I bared my soul to him, and he seemed to see through me. He could really read me well. And where he don't, he asks and never assumes... and he knows what questions to ask, and how to ask... and I found myself completely naked and transparent and vulnerable before him, yet adored and accepted and secured. In other words, I felt he had "loved" me as who I am... fulfilling my motto of "Be who you are and see who you attract". Perhaps that's my softspot, my weakpoint, my Archille's heel, Archie's Backside or whatever.

It has always been hard to help people understand me. Because I am so complicated and I am yet to fully understand myself too. And I am not good at telling people about me, unless they know how to crack me open. ET, as my best friend, is so far the only person who knows me rather well... she knows how to "let me talk" and guide me through and ask the right questions... and that also took us several years of sharing and building to come to this depth of understanding & knowledge & relationship. Of course, no one can fight with God, HE who knows me from even before I was born. And only God knows how much pain I'm in right now. Yeah, I asked for it, I guess. Is there no hope outside of God? Are all doors closed on me? Am I doomed??

Will I ever find another like him? The thing is.. he is the one who found me!!! So...... Will I be discovered again? Yet, not anyone who "discover" me will be able to break through my defences and walls. I'm not about to fall in love with any Tom Dick or Harry (or have you heard that Tom's dick is hairy wahahahaha....) just because they "discovered" how brilliant and witty and charming and beautiful a person I am. I'm also anal and cynical and critical and prejudice and silly and emotional and needy and high maintenance so can you handle it? And even if you can, that doesn't mean you have what it takes to make me enjoy you, respect you and admire you and be attracted to you and feel connected to you. A friend told me recently over lunch, that it is highly difficult to find a soul mate in life who can also be your life partner. I guess.... I have no choice but to agree.

I love him. That's all I can say now.

Perhaps, I'll look back at this post one day and laugh at how silly I am. Then jump off a building. (hehehehehe... ok don't panic)

For now, I'm contemplating.... Loving with abandonment. Is that possible? What does it mean to love with abandonment?

I'm just being ridiculous, I guess. Well, let's see what tomorrow brings. Things are not as bad right? I'll be meeting him... how would it be? I will melt in his presence perhaps... I will love with total abandonment perhaps... or will I be an emotional wreck... hope not.. perhaps, it'll just all be natural and fun and back to normal!

Oh, anyway.... I have no idea how long I'll live. Will I live to be 80?? Anyway, when is Jesus coming back??? And... how long will this guy live??? (hur hur hur... sorry lah, not cursing him) So... why throw it all away? If it is good...Embrace it while you live! Seize the day, live the moment!!! And OH... so what if you did enter into a relationship with a man who promises marriage? In 2 years time he might say goodbye, or you can't wait to say goodbye, or you both DID get married but then later one of you found someone better and there goes the marriage. Yet... the difference is.. in the beginning when 2 person decides to go into a relationship.. they both hope to make it together in the end. Sigh... In my case, only one person is hoping the futile hope. So that means I might forever be insecure. Forever. Like I said, Ditched before even Hitched. Because 99% probability that it will come to nothing. And yes, he told me, perhaps we would be better off as just friends. TOO LATE. I told him. I've gone beyond that, can't turn back, I don't think I can neutralise it yet, I can't turn off the tap like that. Neither do I wanna force it, because that will break me into pieces. I'd rather it happen naturally... for some couples it happen that way.. things just sizzle off. Sad.

But why look so far? Why think so far? Because I'm silly that's why. And I've ruined it.

Yah I should have asked those questions 3 years later. Then it would have been a fucking good 3 years before coming to this stage. hahahahahahaha.... Anyway, someone waited 5 years to find out. Sigh.

So, I, the silly woman, will have to make my silly informed decisions. heh. I will cling on. I will not pass. I will not just give it up because there are no promises of a future. Because I nolonger have any dignity left.

And. I still can change my mind anytime. And no regrets... He's worth it. If you're shaking your head at me... I can understand. Well then, give me 10 men to try so I can have a better benchmark. Otherwise, he's the best I've got now. Yah, I sound desparate I know. Beggers can't be choosers you know~ ? Buahahahahahhaah... sad sad sad...

Anyway, I shan't continue to flatter myself that I'm really worthy of such love. But yet I will continue to hope. Hope that life will eventually sweep ashore another man (alive) that would have an eye for me and see what makes me unique. And I don't mean he's blind in one eye. WAH LAU EH... hahahahahahah....!!!!!

Well now, feel much better. Will write more again, next time. Forgive me for all the typing errors and atrocious grammar.. also the raw and unstructured unfiltered flow of words. I just don't have the mood to edit them. Enjoy what I've vomited verbally. My verbal diarrhea.

Hugs for me. *sob sob*
I feel soooooooooooooooooo lonely.
I feel Sooooooooooooooooo abandoned.

Good nite. Time to soak up the pillow. Time to shut out the world.