05/10 . I have failed me and I failed him

I failed.. utterly failed.

I had wanted to hold through with those "words of wisdoms" but i have broken all of them.

The first time in a long while he took the courage to be completely honest with me about Hani and the times they spend chatting and what they chatted about -- I blew up on him and said goodbye. I had promised him that I will never do that, because he had told me before he hestiate to tell me things because each time I will talk about leaving.

Yet I did the very thing I tried not to do.

But I have to...

Reality sets in.

I will never doubt his love for me - i have experienced his love.

But, I can no longer handle the way he surrenders to Hani at her every threat and demand. I was shocked to the core when he told me why he has not left 360. That's because Hani had told him if he leaves the friendship is over and he will never hear from her again. So I guess, he chose to stay. In fact, not only he stayed, he continues to flirt with her.

I had secretly wished he would try to leave with me. I plan to stop him though.. because that is not what i really want. I want him to stay because I know its a playground and there is entertainment and fun. But I guess I was only wondering if he had meant what he said about 360 being all about me. Sigh.. i still remember he was the one who told me let's leave its no fun anyway, and when I said leave dormant, he disagreed as though we should strip it all bare and leave completely. When he talk like that, it tells me if we leave we are leaving hand in hand. It's romantic though absurd, because it is an internet site. Its romantic because by doing so he gave me the satisfaction of knowing he was really in 360 for me. However upon thinking back.. he was already back on 360 with hani and sue and having fun and only added me later "if I want". I just wonder, does he say things to me just to proof himself at the point when I doubt him? I had believed him so completely whenever he address my doubts... and sometimes his answers just melted me away.. then when the time arise his promises to me crumbles.


This hurt cannot compared to anything else .. that I felt in my heart. Again, I felt abandoned....
Abandoned that I had to leave alone. He had stayed for a woman that did not want to get involved in cross fire and didn't want to openly take his side when he was attacked. Yet he was noble enough to be on her side when she found out she has been doublecrossed.

This again brings me back to the idea that ultimatums and threats are effective weapons on him. It renders him helpless in a way. I am totally defeated because I do not possess such weapons, nor do I ever want to use them.

I guess when others give me ultimatums, I will choose ME.

Anyway, I love him... and I should set him free, let him go. I know that if I stay around, I will continue to want to have all of him and will not tolerate Hani's existence. Strange that I totally don't mind Maria. But I guess that is because each time I was convinced that he loved me, he will go ahead and say something or do something that proves that Hani really matters to him and I have to stand aside and just believe that he loves me. Each time when he proof it to her, it seems that part of me will be sacrificed.

I think, one of the disappointments, upon recollection... is that in the beginning.. when he first got excited about me.. he told me I was the first woman that made him think and consider seriously about his relationship with Hani. He told me he can't promise me anything .. but he will want to sort out his life. Sort out Hani, sort out job, and finally Maria & kids. Things happened and we both know.. things with Maria & kids will most possibly never change. That's fine. As for job.. well, that is not really an issue. Anyway, today he has a new job offer, I am so happy for him!!!!!! But as for Hani... I guess I will stay away from his life because the reason why he had wanted to sort things out with hani was because he shared my dream of being together.

I guess he never want to lose Hani, and Hani will always threaten that she will disappear from his life. Neverending story. I would love to see him take the chance and call her bluff.

Anyway its an irony..
When I say that I can live without 360, because it is just an online account. (OK, I meant that my life is fine before I had 360, so I can move on back to life without 360, just bring 1 0r 2 new friends with me contactable by email or chats). He disagrees, and said it is a place where we can make connections, communicate, new friends and .. can't remember what esle he said. Anyway, he meant it is more than just an online account, it is a meaningful place. The irony is.. yet he will allow Hani to use this "meaningful place" to threaten him. And how about Friendster? He deleted it without second thoughts. Yes, but he was in a rage. Why was he in a rage? Just because Hani deleted him? Well then, I don't see him in a rage now that I have deleted him in 360. Tell me why is he so calm? In fact, not only did he not strip it bare in a rage, he is bloggin new tag posts by Hani's request!! And yet when he promise me he'll do the 5 love languages test he has not even done it till today. He had promised to leave me blog comments but not a word was left for such a long while. I had understand his constraints but why each time when he is back to 360 he would be doing things for hani and not me? And yet I have to believe him when he tells me he really does love me. And each time I believed him. Even right now I still do. Why?

Anyway, I didn't delete him so that he will do the same, that is not me. I deleted him because I see no point anymore - I am totally discouraged. I was there today to see what he wrote for me, just a pass-it-on comment. Yet Hani wrote him 143 (I love you), and he wrote back 143 plus he win -- that means he loves her more. I had enough.

IT HURTS.

It is hard to believe just words alone anymore.

It is hard to hear him say how much he loves me and yet seeing with my eyes everything he is doing for another woman. It is even harder not to be able to flash out the same lethal weapons she used so effectively -- giving threats and ultimatums and screaming and asking him to fix things and proof things.


In defeat.. I am leaving.. tail between my legs.

Yes, in my secret hearts of hearts, I want him to chase me back. I want him to proof things to me, I want him to sort things out, I want him to show some backbone and stand up to her threats and tell her "I will not have you threaten me with leaving using 360" or whatever fucking things she use.

But what's the point of asking him to proof things? It will only hurt the one I love. It will only hurt him more to sort out those things and risk losing Hani from his life forever. I see no point in asking him to cut off a limb. In the end, I will only have an incomplete wounded man, hurting, pining and missing his limb, resenting me for making him do that to proof his love.

Am I guilty of the same by saying goodbye?
I am not threatening to leave. I am leaving. I have left.
I don't think words alone can bring me back. I have heard enough.