04/10 . Wisdom for my soul

Today's the 2nd month anniversary of me and Paul's first meet.

Sentimental person I am right?

Anyway, so much has been happening and my days has been an extreme roller coaster ride. Slowly, I am beginning to feel tired of pain, jealousy, hurt and the whole package of negative emotions. Yet, the worse part of it... I can't blame another but the intensity of my emotions. I am becoming to believe I will be too overwhelming and intense and passionate for an man's comfort.

Yet the high and joy of loving him and talking to him each time can last me for days even if its just a good 30mins talk. I am always convinced of his love, my wounds and pain soothed, and dark moods chased away. I feel silly after each time I ran wild with an idea. Yet there are always endless questions I have for him, espcially when it comes to Hani.

Anyway, wisdom of the day received, and I will try to live by these words for as long as I can to stay a happy person in this "relationship" :

Lower your expectations;

Accept his circumstances;

Treat Hani as invisible;

Contain your emotions;

and ......

Manage your jealousy.


I'll print this on a little note and stick it on my forehead to remind me. Sighhhhh.....

And I still wish he could tell me why it didn't cross his mind that he's deserting me when he deleted his Friendster and 360 Account because of Hani, yet when he was the one who agrees and tell me let's leave 360 and then tell me that he felt if he do so he is deserting Hani. Why can he just desert me without thinking and has to drag his feet when it comes to Hani? Her hold over him is deep and great, and he did mention he donno why but perhaps its the connnection they share. Sigh.. I can't compete with that.

Anyway if the reason why he is on 360 is not about me then fuck it. I'm staying out of 360 anyway, because I can't even say what I really wanna say to him and he can't say what he really wanna say to me there, and I can't even really speak my mind in my own blog post yet she has the freedom to talk abt nice chats and calls with paul talking sweet nothings. And any fun we're having is being monitored. I have to be careful about what I say. WTF. Though he said he don't mind but i think he does mind. If i go to his page today and put a comment : " I love you so deeply baby" and he will probably delete it the instance he sees it and ask me what I am trying to do. And Hani will probably pick it up and create hell. And in the end, he will probably not speak to me again. Yup I am guessing and making conclusions... sighhhhh..

It does pain me that he wanna stay on for her. Not that I want him to leave, but it is the reason why he wanted to stay behind. He had told me that if i leave 360, he will delete everything because 360 will be meaningless without me, and was the reason why he was there. I remember being really touched to the core. Right now, I can only feel deep disappointment. Yeah, it seems like a power struggle. So its OK, I'm not gonna struggle on. I'm letting go. I don't want to fight to maintain my weight in his heart. It should be given to me freely and willingly, not when I ask for it. Sigh. I only wish I can understand why in all his actions it speaks so loudly that he cares the world for Hani more than for me. Her impact on him is so tremendous that everytime he will do drastic things because of her. What drastic measures has he taken because of me?

Let me go and try and recall. I will try really hard. I will search deep into my memory.

Sad.