06/10 . One email from him and I'm staying. Urgh.

One email from him melt me down and all my resolutions to leave crumbles -- even though the tone of voice in that mail seemed like he was pissed off, exasperated, exhausted and have the "fine, do what you want, take care" edge. I had wished for something more tender and sweet, perhaps.

Am I so weak-willed? What's his magic? Was it the threat that he won't chase after me? Anyway, I have the feeling that in future he will probably not chase either. Just leave. Dont' tell him you're leaving because that means you want him to chase. sigh. I don't know what the fuck i am saying. Why am I so hopeless and defenceless against him? Why do I crawl back to him each time I want to leave and hide from my pain? But I know, I was all set to leave and die to everything and not just crying wolf about leaving. I said I will stay, but for how long? Can I really really stay? My heart still bleeds with every time i see him flirting and setting time apart for Hani, I have reached the point where I will only believe he loves me if she is not in a relationship with him anymore --i.e. she is clear they are just friends, he can come singapore on his own agenda without reporting to her and laying conditions as though it is a negotiation just to meet with me. How about him coming here because he want to SEE ME and spend time with me but on the condition that he also gets to celebrate her birthday while he is here because he had promised her 6 months ago -- that will be a nice twist isn't it? And if they are just friends then who the fuck is she to get upset or question him if I am going to meet him in London?? and if they are friends maybe then he can tell her that he loves me -- anyway i won't demand that, that's too hurting, maybe just tell her that he no longer is in love with her and no longer acknowledge the relationship and he is telling her not asking for her approval. sigh.

But with all recent happenings, i have observed that he will probably never bring up the subject of just being friends with her, and never sorting things out with her. Because until now, he has not rock the boat concerning me at all. I am not asking him to, because i know there are other things like Maria and kids to worry about. And I know he wants to be Mr Nice Guy and not bring hurt to her, not be the guy who betrays her. Oh, if this is the case, stop loving me. In life you have to make tough choices sometimes. Sigh I don't know what I want either. I know they have been best friends, and he does enjoy her company. He does want her as a friend forever. I am struggling with being a selfish woman... but why should I put up with these? I need answers. I need to know!!!! And the irony is.. he knows me well enough to trust me in not doing things that will create storms. Hahaha isn't it sad? He trusts me to lie low. He trusts me to live like a mistress in a secret love affair.

Anyway, he told me something that worries me about him and immediately i want to return as his listening ear, to share his woe and pain or what he is going through. sigh. I know I still love him deeply and that is something that will not change so easily. In the first place, he is my best friend and soulmate. I want to be there for him when he needs me, I want to be there in his dark hours, I want to be there to share any ups and downs. It breaks my heart yesterday I was not there to share his joy when he get the good news about his job. I guess i want to leave him and everything because i felt I was a spare tyre, because i felt there is someone else that matters more to him than he realised, and I am left standing in the shadows of his life whenever she takes centre stage. That discourages me in staying around seeing him dodging and hiding me though he fought fearlessly for me each time anyone tries to say anything bad about me. I guess my staying power is not strong enough. I guess I need him to hold on to me when I lack the strength or sanity to hold on anymore.

In his email he said he admire my "strength" to be able to just drop everything and walk away. He is so wrong about me. It is because I have no more strength left to hold on, that talk we had left me with nothing to hold on to... and I had wish... that when i have no more strength to hold on he would hold me instead.. and give me new strength to hold on too. In the first place before I met him I have never been deeply in love with any man - all crush and infactuations that never materialises into anything, never confessed except for Hook and Phil where I took the courage but ended up flat in my face, never been in a real relationship where both of us work things through to stay together--- I am not equipped with the kind of experience and maturity to handle things properly rightly calmly steadily.

For me to decide to leave, it meant I was ready to let a part of me die. Definitely not a painless quick death. It will be slow death, as though I have slit my wrist to slowly bleed to death, but hidden away from him. He will never know what leaving him will do to me. I will be cutting off my own limb. And have to live on without a limb. I guess I tend to do drastic things like cutting off my arm just because a finger is in pain, hahahahah oMG i kinda feel silly now. That's what I like about me, I know how to laugh at myself. Sometimes i am very amused by my own sick jokes. But it does makes sense sometimes to cut off the limb that threatens to hold on to something that will eventually bring death to the rest of the body. Cut it off, live with the pain, live without the limb. From the way he held on to Hani, he will continually bring pain to me and that removes the little joy both of us can enjoy in the long term.

Actually to be fair to him... sigh... he did chase me back before. It was when I was in such pain from Hani & Phil's email that I had wanted to just get out of their lives forever. Paul was the one who persisted with me and he texted, emailed and chatted with me online. I had wanted a break of silence because of hani but he will hear nothing of it. Eventually i was only successful in keeping silence for 1 day. He won my heart with his persistence and I absolutely melt and was swept off my feet. Moreover at that time he wasn't persisting with me to start a relationship, he was persisting with me to stay as friends.

Actually he is so silly. Sigh.
In his email he said he will not waste time to reply my mails or leave me comments or even read my blog if I'm leaving. He have no idea that will be a fatal mistake. That is the very thing that push me off the cliff when I say I'm gonna jump. He had no idea that the key to bringing me back is to write me mails, to persuade, to explain, to fulfill promises .. because I had became discouraged with waiting to see things happen. I am not so hard to pleased you know.. in fact my friends know how easy it is to pacify me. I am now beginning to see why "Acts of service" ranks above Physical Touch in the 5 love languages ranking for me. I feel loved when he shows that he does things out of love for me. Sigh. And I dont' know why men will think that they are wasting their time trying to get to know me or winning me back. Am I not worth the chase at all? Am I not worth an additional email an additional attempt? Am I not worth the effort?

It saddens me that he thinks he will be wasting his time if he writes to me. I have told him so many times... His words.. every comment and email are precious to me (OK except those that indicates Hani's crippling effects on him and except those that he tell me go away get a better life). Daily I check my mailbox countless times hoping to see something coming from him. To the extent I made a final plea that he will write me 10 emails for 10 consecutive days. The last time he said he would do that lasted for 2 days and something happen that stop it and he never did return to it. This time it halted at Day 3... which is fine because he was having chronic toothaches and bad migraines and I know he really really wanna do it. But I blew up at him and he stopped. I hope he will continue, I really really hope. Sigh.


He agreed to read my blog this time. I am nervous about it now. What if he read something that totally made him want to give up forever? What if he read and felt that I have totally wronged him and misunderstood him and felt discouraaged? What if he read and felt guilt and felt responsible for the pain I was having and decided to once again push me away so-called set me free let me go so he won't play a part in causing me further pain? That will be the biggest regret i would have for this year. Because I was the one who wanted him here to read. sigh. I am so contradictory, and I am so ironical, and I am so ... such a pain in the ass. Yet I know, it is very important to me that he understands my fears, feelings, thoughts and then maybe address them, tell me I am wrong, agrees with what I said or just comprehend what I have grappled and wrestled with in my world. After all, he is my soulmate. BUT... Will he have the courage to stay and love me after reading all these? He was dragging his feet to come... i can't remember the reason he gave, but i think it was because the doubts I have towards him would hurt him, and leave a mark on him. i only hope he will be able to bounce back. And I wish he has a blog too, so i can read his mind.


Yesterday I have only eaten : For breakfast, 1 Fereira Roche from Carol with a cup of coffee black. For lunch, 1 Almond Roca butterscotch crunch and about 30 wasabi coated peanuts with a cup of coffee black. For late afternoon, 2 glasses of Blackcurrent juice. For Dinner, 2 small cup of fruit tea served at the spa where I went for a massage session due to muscle tension and misery... and finally a glass of water at bedtime. This morning I weighed 62.1kg hahahahaha OMG! Maybe I should get devastated by him more often, I don't eat and I lose weight. Sigh, might as well be dead, solves all problems. Maybe just get any decent guy to fuck me till I experience orgasm and then I'm ready to go - at least I don't die a virgin, and with Paul I have tasted how true love is like, my first love.

Will things ever go back to happy days again? Have I ruin it all?
Does he still think of me as the funny witty zany gal that made him laugh and blush and feel comfortable and safe to talk to? I so badly want to return to the gal he first loved. I so badly wish I have not turn into his nightmare.

On the way to work, the radio played Celine Dion's song and the lyrics from the chorus caught my attention -- it's a message not to give up and not to just leave even when the heart is in doubt. I will draw strength from it and hope that this time we can talk things through again. Talking with him always helps, I guess. I admit he has a way with words.. but more than that, i know he meant them when he was saying them to me. I just feel confused whenever his actions didn't support what he was saying to me.

There is only one thing i am concerned about now.. in fact it frightens me. My heart feels numb. Though I am staying, but I feel numb. In fact, I turned skeptical, cynical finally. He has never trigger that part of me off, but I felt so let down in the inconsistencies that its gonna take hard work to convince me that he will do anything to not lose me. And I feel, he will still lose me... I don't know how long I can stay.. because I have identify that I can't tolerate sharing him with Hani. Perhaps he can look me up when he and Hani finally separated, but I can foresee it never happening. Without me around, there is nothing to start a fight. In fact now I see that they are getting along perfectly fine, saying cute things to each other and meeting for regular chats, phonecalls etc. Who am I? I am someone he loves too. Who is she? He don't know. Each time I ask him he will say he don't know but she is acting wierd and maybe soon things might be over.

Sigh.. I wish I am so cool and open and free. Because I know i want to openly call him darling cupcake baby sweetheart and leave him sweet tags in 360 spontanously. All I could see is she can say all kinda cute things and thank him for nice chats and him returning the cheers. How long can I stay knowing that this goes on not only in public but also in their chats or emails? I can no longer go back to friendship. If I can, then I am stronger or more foolish than I think. And if I really do manage to go back to friendship, it only means being mere acquaintances - some guy I know and contact once in a blue moon to say how's life. Seems impossible, I am an extreme person. I need to stay away and not get too connected with him because I know I will fall in love all over again or get bitter over his close relationship with Hani that never ends. Hani should be a happy woman now that I am out of the way. She got rid of me just like how she got rid of all the other women in his life. Oh, correction.. I got rid of me because he can't decide who he wants. Argh, why am I going all acidic and skeptical and bitter and resentful... this is not good if I want to stay on.

But I want to.

I still believe in his love. I still love him. But I also know my heart is broken and I have become so discouraged i can't face another hurdle.... I can only see leaving as the best thing for both him and me. And my guess is, he will ask me to go but he will love me forever, but go. hahahaha that is always the most ironical statement to me. Because I wish he wont ask me to go, instead I wish he will ask someone to go so that I will stay. I wish.

Sigh..

Anyway, the song :


THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
(Celine Dion)

I can read your mind and I know your story
and I see what you're going through yeah
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if we stick together
You're gonna find the way, yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is
(That's the way it is)

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

don't give up on your faith
love comes to those who believe it
and that's the way it is.

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, yeah
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is.