17/11 . Today

Today.

What can I say?

Just can't take it anymore when he sent that last sms to me... totally confused and hurt and disappointed, I spent 40mins hiding and crying my eyes out at the office toilet, and somehow my disappearance triggered the concern of a colleague who thought she saw me crying when she passed me by on my way to the washroom.. Carol came and found me and coaxed me out of the cubicle. Tried to stop crying but just couldn't... my heart was just breaking up again... and tears just continuously stream down my cheeks. Carol gave me a hug and I just sobbed loudly again in her caring embrace... I needed badly to be comforted, because today, I have broken up with me boyfriend. I have broken up with Paul. I cried for a little while more... and my tears ended for him. Today will be the last day I cry for him, over him, about him. Will that be possible? Well, there's always another today hahaha!!! Judging by my nature, my tears will not end here. But yeah, at least for now, its just flowing inward.

My heart felt ripped apart, and a final sense of disappointment and devastation took over. I just cannot go on any longer.

I have loved him with all I have, the best way I know how, done all I can... and today, I reached the end of my strength to hold on. I could not lift up my spirit anymore to tell myself I can still go on... one more mile.. one more day.. till the next crisis.

More or less, I know my well has run dry. Somehow his love for Hani and his ever changing reasons for why he don't want to lose her friendship forever has confused me to the point that I no longer know which is the true story. Also the hurry to delete his yahoo account. Was there a promise made to her that he's deleting it and she's holding him to his word, proving to her again? So must he delete his account within 3 days to save the friendship? Maybe its my own fault. I just lack the IQ to understand. But the greater issues don't lie here... the greater issue lies with him changing his mind ever so often and not living up to his words. My fault for taking those words too seriously believing that when he say he wants to do something he will do them. I think I'm just being too hard on him. I am suffocating him like a micro-managing freak of a manager. My expectations of him are unrealistic. I think, its all my fault. I'm not cut out for a relationship. I'm too emotional and I'm a psychobitch. And I dont have what it takes for a long distance relationship with a man who has kids he can't leave, a partner he's still living with, and a girlfriend he never want to lose, has limited time for me, can't contact me at will, has to hide me from partner and girlfriend probably lie to them that i am just a friend, and don't want me to wait for him.

At the rate of how he is changing his mind about things and forgetting what he promised me and his stand on "free will and all" where anyone can have the flexibility to change their mind... how do I stand upon his promises over a long term plan and all the stages towards having a married life with me? I remember repeatedly asking him... really? and his answer is.. "Really". Are you sure?? "Yes I'm sure". And now he's not sure anymore. But yes, I can't be so unfair, we're talking abt leaving his kids. Sigh.. but then what about promising me that he'll keep the account till end of the year? I pleaded "please stay for another month till end of the year". Then he said just 1 month. Ok fine.. and now ... today... he said, he'll delete it over the weekend. Without an apology. How did things come to such a stage? Its all my fault. I won't blame him. I'm just too uptight. Too rigid. Tough boss, hahahaha..

I have not want him to cut Hani off totally though it will be really nice. I had only want that he will fulfill his word to me... that he want to sort things out with her, to bring his relationship with her back to friendship. Yet he continues to delay it, giving in to her ultimatums, so till today, its still hide and seek between them. Till today, she will start a new account somewhere he will follow. She delete it out of anger and he will follow. When will it ever stop? When will they stop behaving like a fighting couple and behave like "only friends"? I know I was eager to see it happen because... it is only when he and Hani are no longer in a relationship then can he be free to love me (without considering Maria). Otherwise, she's still his "significant half" as she refers to herself now and then. Sigh... when will I take such a place in his life? When will I be able to say I love you and I miss you in a public place like 360? She can do that anytime. ANYTIME, and nothing will be wrong with that. She will not get a question from him asking "did you do that on purpose? what was that for?". Sad for me. Yet he don't see it this way... he just don't see at all. Even if he did, he forgets really fast.... once he has Hani's tail and shadows to chase. I'll just admit that I lack that magic Hani has that keep him so addicted to her.

Anyway, I can only blame myself again this time. By expressing my disapointments in him I surely have hurt him in return. Not what I want to do at all... I want my man to be so proud of himself that he's making me happy, that he knows how to make me happy and keep me happy, and that he is not to be blamed, that he is not a disappointment. Yet I think I've done the opposite, I have made all the mistakes. I guess... it doesn't matter anymore... today, I'm out of his life and free him from living in this torment of disappointing me and hurting me and making me cry. OK, not his fault. I'm the one that is prone to disappointments and hurts and a cry baby so it takes nothing to create those results. Its me. I'm the one that goes wrong.

I just want to be happy again. I just want to stop being so hard on him anymore. What can he do what can he give? Why am I so impatient and unreasonable? Why does things had to be so tormenting?

Anyway, its time to walk away. We'll be happier in our lives this way after some time. Without me in his life, he won't have to lie to Hani anymore. In fact he can tell her he sorted things out with me, I'm gone, he fixed it, please take him back. And he don't even have to tell a lie. She don't have to feel hurt anymore. YAY, happiness for everyone! I will just become a good memory perhaps...

Time will heal everything. Just a matter of how long. I think it will take a long time for me to get over him. He has become everything to me.. he has gotten so deep in my life, so perfect so dear.. its gonna be hard for me to walk away and move on with my life. Everything will remind me of him and our dreams to be together. In my heart I know I'll still wait for a miracle. And I know I'll miss him deeply and badly... he has been my addiction for the past 5 months. I feel so lost. So lost. So aimless. Dead.

He is my first love, my true love, probably will forever be my deepest love. I doubt I can ever love any man like the way I've loved him ever. It's been a wonderful dream. The sweetest one.

I love you Cupcake. More than you ever know.