14/11 . Dream a little dream

The past whole month has been a really sweet dream. Cupcake was like a different man.... touching me and melting my heart all over again. He started reading up the blog, read up all the emails I sent him and began replying them one by one. I felt overwhelmed and utterly taken aback by his surge of persistence, tenacity and effort..

It took me some time to let down my defences again and started warming up to him all over again. I was touched by his sincerity and love. And for the past month we have been intimately and closely in touch with each other via calls and chat... and mails. I am even more deeply in love, running full speed ahead again, embracing everything towards a future with him.

We dreamed together... a plan... many plans...

He speak to his colleagues of me as his girlfriend, so for the first time I have been acknowledged. I could feel that i am in a relationship with him. I so badly want to declare him as my boyfriend to my world too! To inform the rest of the world that "yes, I am single but my boyfriend is in London, we plan to marry in a few years time". I felt really closer to him, more intimately connected in our souls, and I do feel married to him already. There's just this sense of "married-ness" between us hahahahahaha~!! It feels so good and so perfect. There were a few times we call each other lovingly as hubby & wifey. Yeah ok i know I'm giving people goosepumps with the mushy stuff, but yes, that's how I feel about him. I feel married to him. I feel like we're married but apart... as though he's been sent overseas to work for a few years. Sighhhh... am I freaking anyone out yet? I know I sounded kinda psycho. This will freak guys off definitely.

AND....

I had the most special birthday ever because of him.. just couldn't stop feeling happy! His calls, his texts, his ecard, his emails, his tag for me in 360....EVERYTHING!!! I felt like the most special woman in the world, and he has made my birthday this year absolutely memorable and sweet... not forgetting my other friends of course! I felt so loved by him and so wanted by him and I know he loves me above the other women in his life.


Then ..... somehow...

the bad news starts again. This time, it seems, me and him might end for good.

I don't know what to do yet, just in deep pain. So deep I can't feel much.. still in denial I guess. Tears will just trickle down an expressionless face once in a while.

It was really really nice dreaming. I wish the harsh truth and realities of life can be kinder to us. I wish for dreams that can come true... the dreams that Paul wished together with me. A miracle for us.

Nothing dramatic happened this time....., just an honest answer from him, and the dream is broken.

No, its nobody's fault... we have to be brutally honest to ourselves eventually. I am glad he finally admits that it will never be possible for him to bring himself to leave his children. I do not need any further explanation nor justification from him why he needs to be there for them. I would never ask him to choose me instead of them... I know he loves them above everything. I only feel so dismayed that once again I've allowed my hopes to be raised, allowed my defences to be down... and crash headlong again.

We were excited about plans for our future... he was resolute to begin his priorities... mostly finances related :

::::: SHORT TERM PLANS
-- first pay Hani back the money she loaned to him - by December perhaps latest next Jan, then savings goes into a trip to Czech to see his friend Hana, then to France DisneyLand with M & the kids, then a Laptop, then clear all his current debts... and perhaps a trip to Singapore. This potentially will be achieved by end 2007.

::::: LONG TERM PLANS
-- over the next 2-3 years, obtain a flat where M & kids can finally be housed and settled safely. Can't remember the other sequences offhand... but if I'm not wrong.. he will then sort things out peacefully with M, then move out and back to his dad's place where they are now staying.. and after having set aside some savings for our wedding, he will then ask me to marry him. Our wedding will be in Singapore, then maybe a dinner in Malaysia then finally I will be back to with him for a Wedding held in UK where he can show me off to his friends.... Mrs Ying Burdon I will finally be. :o)

Frankly, when I happily tell my bosom friends about my dream with him... they ask me if I'm sure about it, and if he would really do it as he said he would. I know I fought hard to convince them that yes, this is the plan and this time he seems decided and all set to put it into action because he knows he wants to marry me and will not give up. They will give me their encouraging smile, wish me all the best, hope that I'll be happy and my dreams will come true.


Sighhhhh... it hurts so badly... that I embrace these dreams like a naive little girl. I was in cloud nine and walking on air, all excited again though i was trying not to. No, he did not lie to me... he wanted it as much as I want it. WE WANT IT. But to do that, he will have to tell his children that "sorry daddy can't live with you anymore because daddy loves aunty ying and will marry her". I guess that is a cruel thing for the kids to grapple with... considering that in 3 years time, they will still only be 10 and 14 years old. They are not at the age where they will feel happy and glad for their daddy finding true love with the chinese woman he wants to marry for life.. UNLESS the unhappiness & fights they see day-in-day-out at home between M & Paul had made their little hearts wished their dad could marry a nice lady and be happy. Hahahaha drama and movie scriptwriting am I? Believe me, I am not really laughing. I wish it could be like this.... how ideal. I've seen movies where the kids are the ones who tries to find their dad a wife or girlfriend, sighhhh... I wish... Ok stop dreaming.


So, if I lay all the cards out on the table now, we'll have :
~* Card 1 -- Paul willing to be cruel to his kids and hope they will understand that daddy is still nearby will see them regularly but just not living with them once he marries Aunty Ying, hence I will continue to stay and wait for Paul till day of fulfillment of dream.
~* Card 2 -- Paul confirms it is impossible that he will change his mind now that he has think it through and he will never think of not living with his kids and does not see the possibility of marrying me, hence time for me to end this pain and move on with life.
~* Card 3 -- (This is the Wild Card...) Any miraculous turn of events allowing our dreams to be together possible (e.g. M kicked him out and want him out.... or M disappeared with the kids one day and can't be traced... or M found new love married the man and leave the kids to Paul... WOW!!!) , hence the false hope I could hold on to stay and wait a while longer, riding through the romance, giving it a chance.

I believe neither Paul or I know what to do right now. I know we just want to be together knowing we can never be.... I believe we only have Card 2 as the option, spelling The End of our sweet dreams. With all my heart, I wish to hold on just for the sake of a miracle... the Wild Card.

I will have to find a way to survive this crash and move on. Can I really? Everything in me refuse to wake up from the dream.... everything in me wants to carry on deceiving myself. Until he is able to make a choice and stick to it then can there be the glimmer of hope for us to be together one day. Can he marry me without leaving his children? Will there be the best of both worlds? I love him deeply but I know I don't have the greatest love in the world to wait 10 years in hopelessness and disappointment. A day goes by without him already drives me insane. But...... I can wait 2 years, I was willing to wait 2 years, and eventually when it has reached 2 years and if at that point he is already in the midst of actively sorting things out and putting the plans in action... I will stay till the day it is brought to fulfillment even if it means another wait of 2 years... because he is already halfway there. But now, i can't even see the 2 years because he is changing his mind again, I dont blame him. His children needs him more than I would - it will always be in this priority, I guess. Its just too bad for me, too bad for him.

It has been a sweet dream. I hate to wake up from it. Why why why? Why does it has to come to such a sad end?? Is there another way out?

God, please help me find my way. Please grant me a miracle.