14/11 . 360 nightmares once again

Finally wept when everyone in the office has gone home.

Due to everything... every brokenness I am feeling within me..

Why can't I but help feeling that he has been withdrawing from me? Though his reasons has been mostly due to the physical exhaustion, but it is beginning to seem he can do or cope with less of me. It makes me feel as though I am high maintenance and he is tired of meeting my needs for more of him.... in other words, he needs space.

First, he gently break the decision that he would stop taking calls during lunch so he can take a nap or read a comic book... i fully understand his explanation. He walks from home to work at 7.30am (and I'll call for 20mins along the way), arrives and starts work straightaway at 8am and non-stop walking standing till noon or 1pm for lunch break. During which he has to gobble up his salad and I will call, so he will walk outside and stand there in the cold to talk to me for 30-40 mins till Lunch break is over. Then back to standing walking nonstop till 4pm and he walks another 30 mins rushing home for dinner at exactly 4.30 or 5pm (during which I'll call for 20mins along the way). So he don't get time to rest at all like his fellow workers or time for himself.... if i were to call daily at lunch. I've been doing that for the past 2-3 weeks, on my end, its the best time ever.. because he is not on the busy noisey road dodging traffic while talking to me and I need not strain to hear what he is saying, plus he is not rushing to work or rushing home, its the best talk time, primetime!! ... Compared to the other 2 slots, hahaha.. OK but better than none!!! I hate the weekends because he can't talk freely at all.

Sigh.. anyway what I'm about to say is not fair to him, but it does seem that he probably don't miss me as much. He may really be missing me, but I guess he's really too exhausted and that will be the only opportunity to rest, and anyway it should be good enough that he's already giving me time to talk to him 20mins in the morning and 20mins later. But probably its an emotional baggage I've been carrying because of Hook.... I feel skeptical when a man constantly says he miss me yet has nothing but words to proof it, i.e. passive desire. How does it sound -- "I miss you so badly it hurts but please don't call me because I need to take a nap, or read a comic book"? People in love will lose sleep and seize every opportunity to be able to be together and talk till they eventually collapse. hahahah OK OK OK.... but those are my unrealistic and unreasonable expectations, and I know full well he is not trying to keep me off (oh but.. what if he really is but too nice to tell me????...) , and I know he is really tired (and old, haha.. ) and the job really does drain him out, plus the lack of sleep bcos he stay up late each night to MSN chat with me despite how tired he was (most of the times he has to wake up at midnight just to have the chat time with me)... in fact, he talked abt the idea of trying the free MSN mobile chat offer to see how he can still be in touch with me during his lunch yet allows him to sit and rest...

Am I helping to find excuses for him and denying my instincts? sighhhh.....

It's now 40mins past his lunch time and not a word from him. I miss him, I badly want to call him, but I know I have to hold it. He probably really need space and had an overdose of me. OUCH. I really should not call him anymore..... unless necessary, but I can't help it!!! I love him, I want to hear his voice, I miss him, I want his attention, I love to hear him talk and laugh.. sighhhhh) anyway, perhaps its time for me to go away. GOSH I feel like dying, the thought just gave me a seizure of pain in my heart. It's interesting how emotional pain can be felt so physically. Oh and let me digress... our heart has its own memory. And this memory is more powerful than the brain memory. Anyway.. erm... I wont go into details of this scientific research, hahahhaaa...


ACTUALLY...
I started this post because I was weeping over 360 nightmares again. He told me a day ago he will delete his current yahoo mail account entirely, it will result in his 360 account being killed off. Once again, I have to grapple with the agony of losing all his sweet words, tags, blog comments, messages written to me at 360. WHY??????? Why does it have to be this way each time? Friendster twice, and now 360 too. I feel robbed and stripped of all the treasures, love gifts & tokens of words from him, as though when he leaves he took everything away too, leaving no trace for me to look over whenI miss his words... sigh.

Making it a worse event is Hani writing him to tell him that she will be deleting hers (likely because he told her he is deleting his, so she's beating him to it). This is has really been a horrible game they seem to play to spite each other and I hate it. Whatever the real reason was it will seem to me that ONCE AGAIN, she leaves, and then he leaves right after or together, leaving me the one deserted with the empty carcasses.. No doubt the actual reasons for Paul deleting his account isn't that way, but somehow visually and emotionally for me it is as real as a case of history repeating itself. I couldn't deal with this picture in my mind and after the call with him, I broke down in tears in the conference room sobbing my heart out, its a freaking nightmare all over again...

In desparation I sent a pleading sms to him.. asking him if he could stay a month longer for me, don't let me feel that he has abandon me and leaving together with Hani.. (geez it seems so ridiculous of me now that I look back at it!!! URGHHHH~ no wonder he needs space hahaha!) ... Sigh... at least give me time to copy and paste over his sweet notes for me to somewhere (I am sentimental), and give me time to be emotionally and mentally prepared to see everything gone from my eyes once again. I'm glad he said yes. That meant a lot to me. Though he also said "but sorry it has to go" (hmm.. somehow he sounded annoyed, but I don't blame him, I know he's tired of this as well). I guess... by the end of the year, I would be fine and ready. Or maybe... I would have left. Gone. Finish. I don't know.

He has not had much time to write me mails lately as well, but I do know his constraints and exhaustion.... and some other new commitments. I won't be expecting daily mails as he had said he wanted to get into the routine of.. it stopped. But I know its not becos I stop sending him pictures, its because he has not been prepared for how exhausting and draining his work could make him, plus helping his kids with homework and Maria using the PC for extended hours. I stopped checking gmail eagerly for his mails also because I do not expect it anymore and I don't want to be disapointed. Hence I was quite surprised he actually wrote me 2 emails in the weekend... and I didn't know about them till he mentioned it.

But something has begin to trigger my concern about him and Hana. (Hana is his close friend from Czech). I think I'm just being overly sensitive and psychobitch. Will kill that thought for now.

I just know that things are starting to behave in the way that tells me I need to ease up on him and not suffocate him with my needs for his attention. I will try to hold the reins in when I badly wanna call him. Somehow I lost confidence in how much he desired my attention and time with me. I had been calling him, believing that this is what he really wanted to hear from me despite that he can't call so often due to financial constraints and he won't ask me to call because he's concerned about the cost on my end. Have I over did the calling?? Why doesn't he miss call me at all during the weekends though i keep asking him to do so when he misses me and wants to chat with me... he never did and does that mean he dont' really care if he talks to me or not? I know now.. I feel afraid somehow and I need to shrink into my shell and be coaxed out. Time for my darling to call me only when he really does miss me much, I guess. I wish he will stop worrying about the cost on my side, and I wish he would be less passive and misscall me so I would be able to call him back ... (its dirt cheap for me to call him, only S$0.048 per minute, i.e. S$2.88 per hour, that's less than 1 pound!!!!). When I whine about missing him too much, he would point out that I'm the one with all the free time and I should understand why he is tired and busy. YUP. He's right. Absolutely right. But guess what? I believe, I know will still be trying to get a call in to him be it for just a quick 10mins chat no matter how busy I am. I know I will, but he is not me. So I can't expect the same. OK... reminder to self : He dont' attempt to contact me doesn't mean he don't miss me or love me. In fact, he loves me more.

Gee, its a whole page again.. sighhh...

His lunch break came and gone. Nope I guess I'm not gonna be hearing from him.... yeah, I'm disappointed.. would have been nice to get a sms saying "how are you, i miss you during lunch". I miss him so badly.

Wonder when will I hear his voice again? Will he call later on his way home? Will he call me tomorrow instead when he's on his way to work? I hope he would. I hope and hope and hope and hope he would. Sighhh.. I need to manage my expectations.. lower it girl, lower it.

And remember... he loves you MORE.