01/02 . Tweetie shall chirp again!

Today is 1st February.... the beginning of a new month.

Yes, today I end my depression over the failure of my 1st romantic relationship... one that I have fully immersed myself in for the past 6 months. In fact, 2 more days and it would have been our 7th month anniversary... I'm sad that we didn't even made it to one year. But I cannot imagine dragging the pain on to one year either.

Read some self-help articles and books past few days and begin to feel stronger within my emotions and mind. Yes, I need to find happiness within myself again, be happy with being who I am, be happy with my own company. I will not hold him responsible for my happiness nor the pain I have been going through anymore, and will nolonger look longingly for the closed door to be opened. It's time to stand tall, walk away, be strong, be happy, be me. I will not weep over him anymore.. (yeah.. I hope so hahahaa.. just last night i was still sobbing in my room, sigh...).

And I will not act like victim, will not let him know how I was suffering, because I don't want him to see this pathetic side of me, nor want him to love me out of sympathy nor guilt. I'm letting it all free, letting it all go, and not gonna agonise over who gets the man anymore. That's the beauty of releasing and letting go. I was holding on too tightly to what doesn't belong to me. I see it now. Anyway, I know that I have compromised far enough and did enough for my love for him. I need someone who loves me, is committed to me and devoted to me willingly, as I would do likewise. Time to look at local solutions instead of dreaming and building hopes and believing in a fairy tale. No matter how much he says he loves me, its really a fantasy till he has proven it with real action. till now... sadly, its all talk and excuses of why he can't deliver his promises. Ok, won't think about them anymore. I will forget what he has promised me.

So, time to stock up on books to read (or hit the library weekly!), time to find some stuff to fill up my time, and time to get to know new people. Alvin has been really sweet, and I quite like him. But will not place too much hope in it. The waves have swept in some interesting guys... and I might explore them bwahahahhaa... but of course, selectively. I will also be taking up Salsa Dancing classes with SH in March, that might be fun... just trying to coordinate my limbs and proof I can't salsa!!!!. That will be something to blog about, eh?

Cupcake wrote me a mail today... sigh.. I'm glad. Sent him a nice reply, told him i'm fine and happy so there's no need for him to worry. Told him he don't need to read my blog too... I guess, let those who really do care read it. It doesn't matter anymore. Yes, honestly i'll be really touched and be moved if he read it, but since he repeated told me it hurts to read, then its ok.. Anyway, it was not aimed at him in the first place. It was not written for him to read. But it will surely help him understand what he put me through (ok i will take responsibility too) ... sigh... disappointment. I'm truly discouraged in this relationship. My first boyfriend. Yes, still love him. Yes, he'll always be special. I still smile when i think of him and those nice times we had. I will remember him that way. Beautiful things about him and the sweet way he won my heart.

I will be stronger with each new day, and soon, all this will be behind me. It's for the best.

I've grown so much during the past year... 2006 has been a tremendous roller coaster ride. I am grateful for it... It shaped me further, and I will be better and not bitter. I will take the time to let the wounds heal, and I will be even more beautiful. I have known love... tasted love... given for love. I am contented. And now, NEXT! hahahaha

I will have wine tonight to celebrate my life... I am worth it!~

It's time I get my groove back! Tweetie chirps again !!!


Yes, I love you Paul. I love you.
I will still miss you and think of you.
Thanks for being my 1st boyfriend....
(the only regret i have is... i wish we had made love... )
Take good care....