Greater courage for tomorrow

Boss came into my office this morning with a solemn face, and gave me some bad news.

The bad news is..... my job will also have to come under the axe in the next phase of "integration" and restructuring for the Asia organisation, and there is no way he could justify for a Regional HR Manager in the "new" asia organisation... (Geez, when I joined 2yrs ago, we have abt 100 people for whole of AP, with 20+ in the Singapore office. By end of this year, there will only be 25 people in all AP, with just 7 in Singapore!!!!! 75% reduction!)


I can see from his constipated face he has been finding it so hard to give me the news, especially when I'm probably the last person he wanna let go (where to find such a clever slave that is willing to do 3 jobs and juggle all kinds of shit?). However, his boss sitting in Norway wants it done, and he has no choice. 2 weeks ago, before he left for the Chile trip, I had actually sensed that he might be under pressure to axe me - just based on instincts and perhaps, wild imagination and "divine promptings" LOL~!! -

I mean - I've observed that he totally stop strolling into my office randomly just to make small talk or chase me on minor matters or even just rant or grunt about work frustrations like he normally would. Instead, he just stayed in his room, door closed, and avoided contact with me, and no msn from him either. Hmmmm.... I got kinda concerned at this abnormal behaviour, and so, I went to him and asked if he's alright.. having ulcer pain again?.. anything I can help with??... because I've never seen him looking so stressed and troubled since the day he relocated to Singapore to work last August. Avoiding direct eye contact, he just said that he's fine and just too exhausted and stressed because of issues and difficulties in some tough requests from HQ. He sighed heavily.. looked at me and said, "Viv.. its not easy.. its really really not easy.. I hate my job!!!!! Urrrrghhhhhhh~!!!!"

Anyway, while boss gave me the bad news and explained his futile effort to fight for me to stay, I took the news calmly and quietly with a brave smile, though emotions were already rising from within me. Glad I was able to suppress it and chose to be cool. (wow, i impressed myself leh, hahahahha~!! Since when is tweetie so cool, hahaha!! Oh but perhaps its because I have been bracing myself for this day for one whole year.) SIGHHHHHHHH.....

The news did still caught me off guard. I was totally not prepared that I have to leave so soon... by end-June. That is just 10 weeks away! It's just hard to accept it as reality. It doesn't help that I'm the only one to go for this round (from Singapore office). In the next week or so, I'll need to come up with a summary of my core duties as well as what I anticipate to be necessary in my role to do in different parts of the year, what can be totally eliminated and what can be pass on and redelegated to those who remain. We need to find a way to justify for perhaps, an Admin Exec to replace me so that Boss can still have an extra hand. We are already so lean.... sigh~! Then.. if approved, to start recruitment and get the new girl in by mid May and commence my handing over. In June, she should be on track and I will just be around on consultative role, and focus on job search. Then, perhaps plan my farewell party, LOL! And in July... hopefully I would land a new job, and commence work in August!

As for redundancy payment, its not gonna be much. I've just joined the company 2yrs ago on 27th March 2006. Hence, at most, 2.5mths pay for service years and 1 mth for notice pay. I would also be paid pro-rated AWS, 0.5mths, and some outstanding annual leave. So, about 4 month's salary. If I do get a job to start in August, and paying not too much lower than my present job, then I won't be in a crisis situation.

Haiz~ This twist of life also threw me off my vanity plan for "Project Makeover-Tweetie" during the next few months, hahaha! I was thinking of investing some salary into some beauty treatments that will lighten (or remove) the freckles or pigmentation spots that've been crawling out my face's skin and getting darker.. bigger.. etc. And maybe go whiten my teeth (saw a brochure from Raffles Medical, cost abt S$1,000!! Also, I was having wild ideas like liposuction to get rid of my teddy bear tummy, and throw some money into learning makeup and postures, some money into beauty centers to sculpt & shape & tone (till I have an hour-glass figure or S shape, LOL.. and legs hot enough for super mini skirt!!!! yeyyy!!!!) and reduce/remove cellulite, stretchmarks, sagging skin (if any), and perhaps some natural boost to my medium small boobs. hehehe... Oh well. Gotta shelf the plans. Gotta be sensible.

The big problem and challenge is - I would probably need to take a pay cut of 40% and downgrade in job level. That's because I ain't a Regional HR Manager in full capacity, and my feet has not fully grown into these big shoes (or , boobs have not filled the cup, hahaha!!). Sigh... I had thought I would at least last till next March, and perhaps look at new opportunities after Chinese New Year, and by then, after the AWS and perhaps a small variable bonus, I would have been able to set aside some reasonable savings. Honestly, I'm gonna miss the "status" and the salary. The job title does boost my self esteem and the authority does feel good, haha! And of course, the surplus in salary allows me to live comfortably and indulge in some girly stuff (like spa massage, facial, impulsive purchases of what catches my attention, higher range cosmetics, manicure pedicures.. ), and taxi rides (instead of bus or MRT), and pay for dinner when out with friends without thinking twice. However, I WILL be grateful as long as I can get a job with steady income and good working environment, hopefully good boss etc. -- because... my age is already a disadvantage, perhaps also qualification (I don't have a degree). I'm bracing myself for the worst, and hoping for the best.

Anyway, it's not the end of the world.
I know I am not that stupid and incompetent (just lazy & loves to procrastinate, LOL), all my limbs are working fine (just clumsy), I'm not having any critical illness that render me unsuitable for employment, I'm willing to work hard and eat shit, I am not in debt or any financial commitment, I don't have dependants (both mum and dad still earning their own pocket money - in fact, they are richer than me), I still live with my parents, I still have true friends whom I know I can count on, I still have optimism. I'll be fine. I'm gonna be OK. Perhaps have to live less extravagantly, but I should be able to pay my bills and live humbly, and be happy.

How do I tell my family this news? My dear neurotic mum will worry sick and start nagging on my spendings and maybe blames me and finds all the fault with me (e.g. See laahh must be you go work late la~ haaaaaaiiiiiz, must be you daa-daa dee-dee laa-laa...), and urghhh... all the deep sighing. So I think, to give me some peace to figure things out and face this already difficult situation, I'll drag telling them this news as late as possible, probably in mid-June. I just wonder how long can I keep quiet and be cool.

As I think about the good times, the fun, the partying, the rapport with all my colleagues and my boss... my first office room to myself, the trips to Europe.. Sigh~ my tears just begin to flow. Yes I do feel a little sorry for myself for a moment. And yes, I do fear about not being able to find something good. And yes, I do feel tempted to be depressed. Because it seemed like I'm failing in both work and love. Why can't good things last?

Yet I choose to believe - that sometimes the good must end, in order that the better or best can begin. Don't let the good become the enemy of the "best" that can happen to your life. All the more I must rise in courage - in greater courage, in greater optimism, to smile bravely at the storm, to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, to keep my chin up, to embrace change and the new journey it is taking me, and be strong.

Everything's gonna be alright.
*self hug*


I love this quote :

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


So....
Let life happen.
Live everything.
Live the questions now.
I'm sure, things are gonna be fun, better, interesting!! And who knows - I might be on my way to meet my destiny my Mr Right!! *cool~*

YES!!! I will not crumble!!! Maybe just grumble. LOL~!

Tweetie will be fine~ just... fine.... *brave smile*


(And woooohooooo~!! I have a date tonight with a new guy! That is at least something exciting to look forward to. He seemed like a nice guy but I don't even know how he looks like!!! hahaha... And, uhhh... yes, I did say in my last post that I'm gonna take time out from dating and close the door for a while so I could hide and heal. I still mean it -- It's just that, he wrote to me few weeks ago - a very detailed and sincere letter describing himself well and clear intentions... and I liked what he wrote very much so I responded. It was only yesterday we connected and he asked me out!! hee hee... so... he's the last man of the season I plan to meet. I don't know what to expect, I guess, I am already expecting the worst and just want to get it over and done with??? I guess, I have not given up hope.)