To hide and heal, I will

For the past few days, I have spent a lot of moments in deliberation. Thinking deeply, searching deeply, asking myself what's happening within my soul, what am I feeling? Why do I feel this way? What can I do about it? How do I change the way I think so I can can cope, or keep going through this tunnel? Disappointment, Discouragement, Disheartened, Despair, Dismay, Disgust, Disillusioned.. And I am coping with a certain grieving in my heart. Yes, grieving is the word.

Yet, I know I always manage to get through it. This is nothing compared to the pain I went through during the CupCake times, weeping aloud in my bed, muffing the sound with towel as my heart continue to tear and break. WOW, can't imagine going through that again... but yet, I came through. Sometimes I have to thank God for my absent-mindedness, short-term memory and the talent in getting easily distracted. But, I do think, its my zany sense of humour and the ability to laugh at myself that kept me sane and in good cheer - as well as the adventurous nature that allows me to embrace new hopes and leave the ashes behind.

I guess, this time, I will still need the time I would need to grieve, to come to acceptance, to release it and rest... then recover and embrace the new. I promise to not let myself dwell in this state for too long. I will fight to keep me from sinking. I will be OK. I will be loved. I will find love eventually. But for now, I will seek for it no more. I will need a time out. I will need to hide and heal.

Today a guy friend over msn said to me :

KT - Actually you not the sweet & caring type of gal. Maybe can improve on that.

Me - Haha! Well then, better for me to stay the way I am and you nolonger think that I am the sweet and caring type of girl. Bcos if I'm not, then I am not.

KT - Aiyo......., angry liao har?
Maybe because you've not been in the mood to be sweet and caring ba..

Me - Angry for what? Nah, I don't think it has to do with mood. Sigh~ perhaps I have changed... used to be sweet and caring all the time, perhaps I have become selective to whom I am sweet and caring towards. Hehe, perhaps, my "sweet and caring" is the mood! Not my default nature!!

KT - Dear, don't think too much. Hmmm...... maybe bcos you starting to protect yourself. That's why you changed. You are too trusting and don't see the bad in people, that's why.


Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
Yeah, where had my sweet nature gone? I could only feel angst in my soul. Each time a new guy I got to know or spoke with starts asking me questions like "Are you the open minded / Liberal kind of person?" it just gets my defences up as well as setting off all the alarm bells. I would really want to treat each new person without suspicion that he is a wolf in sheep clothing, yet each time they proved to be one. And a friend told me that I am really a stupid woman to have been so nice to ask them what do they mean and why would they need to know - for questions such as :

"Do you have high sex drive?"
"Do you enjoy sex?"
"What is your height & weight? What's your bra size?"
"Are you into wearing thongs?"
"When was your last relationship? .. then when was the last time you had sex?"
"Don't you have needs? Do you DIY?"

Grrrrrrr....~!!!! NONE OF YOUR BLOOODY BUSINESS!!! &#%$@!!!!!
Tell me how to be sweet and caring when men wanna know these about me the first time we talk? And that's after I've already made it clear that I am NOT interested in flings, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, recreational sex, one night stands etc!!!!!! And they said that no, that's not what they are looking for as well, they are not that kind of guy.

Yet, their questions gave them away.
One even told me that so far, all his past relationships didn't work out because his lovers and girlfriends could not cope with his high sex drive. And lovers = married women. Yet, he is a one woman man. He don't cheat and he is always serious and has feeling for the woman he was with. (And a friend of mine says, yeah hahaha... 1 girl x 1 night x 10,000000 times!!). Sigh... I mean, I'd like to give him the benefit of doubt. But I could already foresee that he is looking for a relationship with sex as the foundation. Not what I want. Bye bye.

Anyway, next time (acutally, maybe not even a "next time") any bastard start asking me "Are you open minded?). I will just say, NO - and good bye. Don't waste anymore time. I am open minded. But that pertains to being open to new ideas and willing to change the way I think, and being able to accept people who are different to the majority. I have no prejudice against anyone's sexual orientation, I always get along with the ah-Qua, the lesbians or maybe gay. (So far, don't know any gay man in my circle of friends, but I know I'll accept him as who he is). Sigh, whatever lah. I'm sick of it. I nolonger find it amusing. In fact, I feel confused. I dont know if I'm just an uptight bitch that needs to loosen up and be more modern and open-minded and just go with the flow (as one of the men suggested) and be cool. I just know that right now I am not ready to take on anymore of these encounters.

Let me rest first, and then regain my self esteem, be clearer in my mind, reinforce or unlearn & relearn the right thoughts that governs my values and decisions.. then let me embrace the hope of meeting a decent man honorable in his intentions that is ready to be committed in a relationship should the two of us found mutual attraction and all the other factors that are important. And yes, a good reminder, it takes courage to not get into a relationship for fear of being lonely/alone - but to hold out for the right one that comes along. No more wasting time on Mr Wrongs.

I will take time to improve myself too. I think I am still limited in my thinking, immature in my emotions, and lacking in appropriate levels of self esteem and confidence.

Yet I still love me.. the person that I am. :-)
I just need time to hide and heal, and tweetie will again chirp and make cheerful melodies in her heart.

And yes! Will be setting some goals to achieve in 2008. Tweetie will look better and feel better in the next 5-8 months! hee hee hee.. .can't wait!!!!!

HAHA!!! That last thought really brought a cheerful smile in my soul and countenance. I will SURVIVE!!! (Everyone should watch Meet the Spartans, hahahahahahah!!!)