25/07 . TIGGER

A month ago, the sweetest guy on earth (to me) did a write-up on me in his blog. It was so candid and well written I was stunned and surprised at how he had described me... sigh.. of course it instantly melted my heart.

The funny thing is.. at that point, he is just a friend and a soulmate to me. Period. I never thought further than that, never dared to.. but I do think the world of him. And at that time, my eyes were on someone else, sigh, how blind was I????? Today, fortunately or unfortunately, hahahaha.. OMG.. I admit to having really strong feelings for this sweet fella, sigh... It's amazing how interesting my life has been. At this moment, I can only say that he has conquered my heart.. (kind of too soon, I know, hahahahahaa.. but yes he did!), but will I conquer his? He definitely likes me but I don't have the answers now on how the future will be like, but right now, I treasure and cherish this special friendship, the openness, the closeness and the intimacy we share in our souls. (I'll be seeing him in London soon! Can't wait!!!!!!!!)

And why is it titled "Tigger"???? That's because Tigger is the pet name he gave me when he saw my pic in the Tiger costume, hehehehehe... Here it goes!


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Tigger
By Sweetness Cupcake (aka Brit-Boy)
18 June 2006

(Will try to upload other accompanying pics later due to current technical faults)

What can I say, if a picture can speak a thousand words this one of my new friend would speak volumes hahaha. It sums up viv in one nice lil picture, beautiful, fun loving, friendly, zany and oh so much fun to be around hahaha. I have not seen a picture of viv yet where she is not smiling or trying not to smile while taking horror pics (see below), its like she has a permanent smile etched across her elfin like features hahaha.

I was never a big believer of the old saying where when you lose something, it will soon be replaced by something more precious than what you lost.. now I understand it. Only a handful of times in my life have I come across people who have made sudden impacts in my life or immediate impressions on me, viv is among the select few. There was a period of time I was still mourning the loss of a close friendship to another, swearing to myself I would never trust another as much as I trust hani and as much as I once trusted huabs. Buuuuuuuuut somehow, some way viv slipped past my defenses in a matter of weeks hahaha. It's unusual because it takes a while to forge a friendship, make the bonds that last and get to know each other.. it was different this time. Maybe its because we share similar issues with a person who was once close to us, maybe its because we met through hani.. so trust and faith was established beforehand.. yay hani.

Don't be fooled by the pout hahaha, this Tigger (yup i spelled it wrong.. on purpose silly haha) has claws and is not afraid to use them. Kinda like mystique from the x-men, viv has a thousand and one faces and facets to her personality. I swear even in a lifetime I am not sure I would be able to figure her out hahaha, every time I think I have she does something to shroud herself in mystery again.. oh I wish I was able to do that. Each is more interesting than the one before, drawing you deeper and making you want to know more.. so stop reading this and start getting to know her hahaha! You will see for yourself once you start getting to know her there is no turning back, just beware the claws hahaha.

Urgh I’m not sure this pic was a good idea, I’m not feeling so good now I added it.. ewwwww blood. Well as you can see viv is always thinking of others, yup we all do but how many of you have given blood, time or possessions to help another? (hani you’re excused from this as you do that kind of thing all the time, ew..ew... not the blood though thing right?). Sigh viv I applaud your noble nature and as you know it was this pic that made me first message you, you are truly the sum of all your personality test said you are...just..just promise you won’t do that when I am in Singapore ok. Its noble and all but it kinda puts me off eating and even for free donuts and coffee I would not do that, maybe if they added whipped cream I might hahaha?

So what I wanted to say was this, thank you for being the kind of friend I thought I had only found in hani, I had thought these kinds of friendships were just a myth after haubs.. but you both proved me wrong. You really have got it all wrong you know hahaha, you think its a one way thing when I lift your spirits and chase away the clouds. But you have done the same since we met, hani is muted because of her dodgy asian tech laptop and I was all set to go insane hahaha...but you kept me grounded and sane. So thank you from me and on hani's behalf, not so sure she would want a drooling wreck when she returns hahaha. Any more cute names though and I will have a permanent blush hahaha, you have a talent for names viv, well that and smiling...so chin up, smile, lets kick ass one problem (or guy depending on who annoys you and who is chasing hani hahaha) at a time hahahha!!

Ok I could not resist adding this last pic hahaha, its just it reminded me of the korean movie "the grudge", yet..well I’m not sure the dead one in the movie looked this good hahaha. Scary..yet...cute don't you think so?


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Awwwwwww.... so sweeeeeeeeet huh?

Sighhhhhhhhh.....
Its' too bad this article has been asked to be removed from his blog.
I'm mourning its deletion. I guess my heart wasn't big enough to be cool about it in the end.. did not expect to feel such pain to see it gone. Such is life.

But still, I am grateful that it was once there, and glad I've moved it here. Feel tempted to remove some parts of the write-up (eyesore eyesore!!!)but I guess I shall retain it in its entirety for authencity's sake.

^_^

24/07 . Poem : I Carry Your Heart With Me

For cupcake..

A poem I like very much. First heard it from the movies "In Her Shoes", and felt deeply moved by it :

I CARRY YOUR HEART WITH ME

BY EE CUMMINGS

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

05/07 . Hurt

At 4am in the morning I'm writing this.. I guess this is another milestone in my life, in the negative sense.

Just learnt how deceitful people can be with their words.... the guy whom I was head over heels with... he told someone I'm driving him crazy with my sms, and that I mean nothing to him, he honestly don't care, plus that I know he have no feelings for me. Yet in the daily sms's, he would talk intimate stuff, telling me I am special to him. WTF.

It is good, I think, though it hurt real bad, but hey it does help me to snap out of this crush. I'm so blind. Such a fool. I cringe at the other hurtful things he said behind my back. Although sometimes it is better not to know, and be happy deceived, but in this case, I am happy about. Yes, I will cry buckets, but I will heal eventually. Better to learn that now than later, when I've given too much of myself.

I don't regret accepting my feelings and expressing them. I think those are giant steps I've taken in my reserved way with feelings for guys in the past. I never express them but kept them inside me. In this case, I expressed them to him, because of perhaps misleading signals I received from him. Hey, what am I to think when he wrote that I am his special gal, and that knows in his heart he likes me. Yet he's telling someone else he has totally no feelings for me. I am amazed. Of course I won't trust him ever again, he is so out of my life. And to think I was so in love and attracted to him.

And for the woman, never underestimate insecurity and jealousy. I have never intended to be a threat nor a 3rd party. But I cannot believe the suspicions and malice of words. I was accused of lying, and till now I don't even know what was it that I lied about!! haahhaaha

Anyway, I know I've always been trusting in my nature, and Twinkle has cautioned me and was extra protective. Now she's right again. sigh......

And this time, I have no idea how to be comforted. It's really double blow.

I am still stunned and in a dazed. My tears are not flowing as they normally would. Stuck somewhere, perhaps still in denial, perhaps the devastation was too great. The rejection I received this time is worse. I cannot believe the guy's words and hypocrisy. Just can't believe it. And cannot believe that this happened to me.

Again, I know Twinkle is seeing it unfold before her eyes, another incident where I told her about the new wonderful people I've met, and to show her how disappointing they turn out to be. And again, it's been just a few short month.

I will forgive. This time, I find it very hard to do so. But I will forgive and not be bitter.

Tomorrow they will realised they've been deleted from friendster as my friends. They'll see that my freindster blog is also removed. They'll find my email thanking them the fun and goodbye. What will be their reaction? Probably a sigh of relief that I'm out of their lives, and that my entrance has been a joke and will be retold from time to time "remember that viv?", and probably feeble effort will be made by any of them to clarify matters or retain my friendship.

All except for cupcake's. At least he's the genuine person among them. If it is not because of him, I probably would have been totally devastated to the core. Actually, sorry, Cupcake, I am not cool enough to stay on the scene and act as though I didn't know anything transpired. I'm not a hypocrite who puts on acts. I am not deceitful. I will stay true to myself.

Yes I did lie to Hani. I lied to Hani that you're not my cup of tea. But I said that to assure her that you and I are just "pen pals" and nothing is going on. I told her I don't believe in long-distance relationships. The truth is, yes you are my cup of tea. But only in the sense that I like my guy to be of your type of pesonality : Warm, caring, communicative, genuine, funny - you get the idea. And I told Phil that I lied to Hani and the reason why. HAHAHAHA this is the joke, so he might have pass that info on, that's why she called me a liar?????? Don't know.

OK. Glad to close the chapter on the recent "love". This is really Time Out for romance.

I have also agreed to go for movie and coffee with Martin next week. Maybe I'll give him the blowjob he wants, hahahahahahahah~!! Ok don't panic, just kidding.

How did things get to such a stage?
Positively speaking, my life is so interesting.
Negatively speaking, I am loosing hope by the day.

And sorry folks, I have to change my blog address again because both the Woman and the Guy were reading TweetieTalk. Maybe she didn't but she has the address.

I will be strong and will tough through this.
I have friends and I have family. I will be OK.
I will be OK.

I only hope I will not be naive again. And that I will not be double minded.

Time to sleep, if I could. Work tomorrow. Life will be simpler now without them.

01/07 . Afraid

I'm afraid.

Afraid I've fallen in love again.

The more I know him, the more I like him and feel attracted to him.
Met him twice so far, and each time I felt so different when I'm around him. Something about him that made me feel special.. hmmmm.. chemistry? But Chemistry should be double-way. So maybe its just his pheramones, LOL!!
At first its just a puppy crush, then now, I think I really do have feelings, deep feelings. Sigh...... like what a friend said to me (while I was crying because of him), that I "had it bad for him"..... I denied it during then, but now I guess I have to admit it. ARGH!

However, the bad news is this -
he is a man who will not be able to reciprocrate this love. He is not available, and not here to stay. Neither can I go with him even if I am prepared to do so... because when he goes, he's going back to someone else. Hence, even if he were to like me in return, he will keep a distance. He will not start a relationship with me.

As for me, right now... I don't know what to think what to feel what to do.
I think about him all the time, I wish I know how to know him more, how to care for him etc.... and wish he would try to know me better, learn to figure me out. Sad to say, I am only a friend to him but maybe more special.... but not for a relationship.
So, what do I do with my heart? I think I've given it to him.
Do I take it back? how?
I don't know how to reverse my feelings... I tried, and it only got worse. In fact, I want more and more of him - yeah, so greedy.

I had hoped that meeting him will help snap me out of it, because sometimes people are such a turnoff in person, hehe. Or sometimes they are not who you've had in your mind so thing just neutralises..... But meeting him made it worse for me - because I like him even more and more... and want more of him, want his attention & affection, want him for myself, want to be his special someone.. *Blush*.... And its really tough trying to hide my emotions. If only he knew what he saw was the tip of the iceberg. Plenty of it where it came from, hehehe..
How do I treat him as just a friend? How do I withdraw without too much pain? How do I do it silently and naturally without causing an alarm, without being noticed, without "acting strange"? It's impossible at the moment.

I know he is well aware of my feelings for him, and he probably felt bad about it, maybe even awkward. I don't want him to feel guilty for something that is not his fault, nor feel he is responsible for my happiness or well-being. Sigh.. But I do really have such a soft spot for him. I can't fully explain. I just know I could go insane. OK, I know I am already somehow insane. haha..

I think I really need to call a time out on romance.

But can I really do a time out? He has my heart already. :-(

I know I know I know.... I did call for a timeout earlier... however, he came along and I sort of shelved the timeout. Now that I know it's gonna be a deadend, then I just have to cherish and enjoy the friendship that we share, and in the meanwhile deal with the disappointment, keep my feelings, withdraw and maybe hide, and ride this period through till the feelings dissolve. Will it? Can it? I like him for so many reasons, the way that he is... (at least what I've known him to be so far, even despite the fact that he's quite a smoker!), not just feelings or fantasies... - I really do wonder if I'll ever meet someone better. Another person who has raised the bar for men in my life is Cupcake, a buddy soulmate (He's taken! He belongs to someone else! hehehe...) who knows how to relate to me, how to reach out to me, get me to talk, catch the naunces, nurturing, encouraging, sweet, funny etc... Sigh, I really really wonder if I'll ever meet another like them.

But the goodnews is, I am getting clearer in knowing what kind of man I wanna spend my life with... what I want, and what I don't want, what attracts me, what repels me. However, I am feeling very lost at the moment about myself.... I don't quite like myself too well right now. I'm too weak, too fragile, too emotional, too crybaby, too pessimistic, too clingy.... too needy.. too insecure. And in the presence of guys like him, I felt bad that I am not knowledgeable, I'm goofy and daft, I'm slow to react at times, not so smart, not so wise, not so sophisticated.. just an ordinary gal. Argh, plus I don't cook, don't do housework, don't know how to take care of people... *howl...........*

Sigh,........ I just seem to melt at his words, swoon in his presence, mesmerised by his eyes, my skin tingles when he is near me or when we touch - OK not just the shallow or physical side of things.. there are many things about him that I like and admire : He has a quick wit and wicked sense of humour, fun, kind at heart, well informed, intellectually curious, gentlemenly in his own way, protective, sexy (hehe...*blush*), capable, ... etc.. (OK, I think he's good looking, I don't care what others say - it's pleasing to my eyes, yum~). Yeah, he has flaws and weaknesses I'm sure, but I think I can win in that department of imperfection. I think I admire him because in many areas he is quite my opposite, has the strengths in area where I'm lacking, so perhaps its true - opposites attract. OK, not sure if he's attracted to my "opposite" of him. haha!

That being said, it's just too bad for me. Such is life. You can't have everything you want. (sigh, but I want...............)

And the funny thing is, while the man I most wanted can't give me his attention, those guys whom I don't desire are trying to get me to go out with them. How ironical. But such is life. Such is Life, such is life, such is life.

I am happy and grateful to have met someone like him. No regrets.
In fact, I'm happy to have met 2 men recently, whom I think if combined makes the perfect partner for me. hahahaha.... and of course, available (in time & location & resources) and emotionally ready for relationship (and eventually marriage).

Argh, I miss him already. I find him irresistable. hahaaahaaa.. silly woman. Got to curb the hormones a bit.

HOKAY!! Good to get this heavy emotional stuff off my chest. That's all I can say for now.

TIME OUT.

TIME OUT!!!!!!

29/06 . Such is life

Never thought I'd get my heart all confused and broken so fast.
Never thought I'd cry so much over all these and feel such pain.
But such is life.
You can't have everything you desire, you can't have everything work the way you want it to. You can't have every man you love!

But I am very grateful for the friends that I have.
Friends who know me so well, they are able to detect the slightest naunces that something is wrong with me, who care enough to make sure and confirm that I'm alright, who upon confirming that something is wrong came crashing through the door to rescue me from where I am hiding. Thank you, I don't know what I'll do without you.


Twinkle,
Thank you for being so protective over me always...
Thank you for your listening ears...
Thank you for always giving me the time and space to speak my mind..
Thank you for making me laugh so hard till I cry tears of joy... (yeah, by nature, you're not a funny woman)..
Thank you for always carrying me despite you having a broken limb yourself...
Thank you for being strong for me...
Thank you for bearing with my stubborness and foolishness...

Cupcake,
Thank you for letting me feel assured that I've not been deserted or abandoned...
Thank you for not letting me cry alone...
Thank you for being the sweetest...
Thank you for your most unique way of cheering me up by being you..
Thank you for watching and hearing with your heart...
Thank you for making me feel accepted and special..


I will count my blessings.
I will count my friends, those whom I know truly cares for me. Though I know, there are also those friends I should count, who cares for me from afar, or from the shadows.. (bwahahaha that sounds funny, but its true! Sometimes people do care for us deeply, but we're just not aware because they have not made it tangible).

I am special because of my friends. Thank you, and I love you! :)

And it's also time for me to check up on some of my friends to see how they are doing. Sometimes we mean so much more to our friends than we realise. You'll never know that your note or call can make their day!

26/06 . Going Dutch again! False alarm...

OK. Got news today confirming that meeting will be on 4th-6th July, this time at the Amsterdam city itself. Sounds like it will be a get-to-know-everybody and here's-your-share-of-the-work for the International team following the merger of 3 businesses.

I'm booked to depart Sunday 2nd July night, and arriving on the 3rd. Will have a whole day to myself upon arrival. All flights back to Singapore are currently fully booked, and I'm at the moment confirmed on a flight departing Amsterdam on Sunday the 9th's morning!!!!!! If I can't get on the Saturday flight (on waiting list), that means I'll be stuck there for 2 whole days alone. Is it good or is it bad?

I'm never too adventurous on my own..... the thought of being on a trip alone made me feel a little miserable. I remember how lonesome I felt during my last trip, but that was also because I was going through some heartbreak. I'm not so independent, but yes, I can be quite brave at times, heheehheheheee... and I can be brave for someone if he/she is more timid than I am. Ok, what was I trying to say? ARggh...

YAY!!! I'll get to watch 13hrs of movies non-stop again. During the last trip I think I stayed awake most time, especially the flight to Amersterdam. I love watching movies!!!!! And its really great to be travelling on SQ. I was drinking endless cups of Bailey's on the rock and orange juices, hehehe. On the flight back to Singapore I was more tired because its was time of the month. ARGH, for this trip its gonna hit the time of the month again, what a drag!!!!!

Have I mentioned before... that on the return flight to Singapore from Amsterdam, a Filipino man sat beside me??? - oh dear can't remember his name now.., I'll call him Dino for now. Dino works on a ship as 2nd mate (what's that?????) and the ship had docked and he's off back to home for a break before the next voyage. I still recall, when I walked towards the seat his face brightened upon seeing me and was very friendly. We exchanged names and he was chatting and asking questions. Of course I don't think much of it. All Filipinos I've met in my life are warm and friendly people. 1 hour later the plane still did not take off.. it was announced that there's engine fault and we have to unboard the plane and wait at the holding area for 2 hours minimum because the part needs to be ordered and be delivered. If it can't be fixed within 2 hrs, we gotta be booked at the airport hotel for the night if there's enough rooms, or booked on other flights back to destination. I was really nervous because I'm alone (and thrilled, haahaa... never experience before!!).

When we unboard, Dino followed me around and I was not very comfortable with it, not that he's not nice, just that I prefer to have my ...er... personal space. I don't enjoy too much small talk with strangers, and he wasn't exactly interesting company. I was bored with him within 20 mins. But he was nice and caring, too much. I was glad to have evaded him at the holding area - I head straight for the washroom and managed to throw him off my track. Took my time in there and finally came out, found a single seat on the back row and parked myself there. But within 20mins I was found by him. Took me some effort to persuade him to go get a seat instead of standing right behind me. I swear he was almost leaning on me. I was starting to wish the flight won't be fixed and we can be booked on different flights home. hehe.. OK Viv, don't be like that. Be nice. :P

Thankfully within 2 hours the good news came. We re-boarded the plane and this time a lady who quarrelled with the passenger next to her asked for a change of seat and was led to sit at our row, right on the empty seat between me and Dino. I welcome that totally, but within minutes began to regret, ahahaha.. she talks loudly and was complaining about the passenger she quarrelled with, puts on the earphones, put the music to full volume (you could hear the sound spilling out from the phones clearly) and started singing aloud, oblivious of the noise pollution she's making. OMG!!! It's totally out of tune, and I could hear her even with my earphones on. ARGGGGHHHHHH I wanna watch my movie in peace!!!!! And when she's not singing, she's snoring. HAHAHAHHAA I can't believe my luck.

It doesn't help that later on , Dino discovered that his seat's screen is faulty and he can't watch any movies. Interrupted me at least 10 times, and I tried my best to help instruct him and to help get him to navigate to the movies etc etc. Finally its proven that his unit is not working. Guess what??? He changed seat with the lady. OH NO. Now he's sitting beside me. Should I mention that he started touching me? But at first I thought he's just being friendly by patting my arm - I asked him what's that for and he said it'll help me fall asleep. So I thought its probably a filipino thing, or something you do for sisters. I said it's OK nice of you but I don't need that - he carried on for a little while, then stop.

Anyway, I dozed off and woke up when I think I felt him touching me. My face was towards him and I got quite startled that he was staring with his face too close. Upon seeing that i woke up, he "lovingly" touched my hair/fringe - GOSH! I turn away immediately!!!!!! Errrrm...hey, that don't seem to feel right. OMG... Cannot be happening. Anyway, I stop sleeping and focus on watching movies or whatever I can watch again, better stay awake. Yeah, if this happens to my friend I would have screamed at her that she should have buzzed the stewardess ask for a change of seat and slap the guy before moving off. But yet when it happen to me... I just kept silent and don't know what to do. It's kind of confusing.

Finally the flight's gonna arrive in SGP within an hour. After breakfast was served, and the earpieces taken back by the stewardness (which means I can't avoid him by watching movies....), Dino began asking personal questions about where I stay, where I work, what's my contact number persistently. I am so NOT telling him!!!!! I'm so annoyed at him!!!! The more he persist and insist the more I resist. hehee.. Anyway, he suddenly said "Vivian, MARRY ME".. and he said it was love at first sight. I was stunned. But I said, "Are you sure???? but you don't even know me!!". Thence followed the "oh but you are pretty nice helpful sweet beautiful sexy nice lips" - my god!!! HOW SHALLOW!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... So I smiled and tell him "thanks, I'm really flattered, but no, you're not my type." And I can't believe this is happening. Unbelievable. A guy proposing to me??? Love at first sight????? hahahahaa...

Anyway, he continued to try to convince me how much he wants to marry me and bring me home, and swear that he will love me forever and never love another woman now that he had met me... he will think of me every moment of the day and in everything that he does. He's gonna come to Singapore and search for me. I so totally wanna roll my eyes. Yeah, rite. I bet right now he totally cannot remember me nor how I look. Bwahahahahahaa...

It's funny how I used to think that it'll be so romantic to be on a flight or on a holiday in a foreign land and met a guy who falls in love with you LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT??? It has happen, but *LOUD SIGH*...I totally don't find it romantic. hehehehee....

OK, how did I get to tell such a long story???? Oh yeah..! Was just gonna say I'm going Amsterdam again next week.

Hmmmm..... perhaps this time I'm the one professing love to the guy next to me. Muahahahahahaha!!!! We'll see!


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GUESS WHAT????!!!!???? Arrrrrgh~ False Alarm!!!

I've just been informed minutes ago by another email the meeting is postponed. Looks like it may be in August after everyone in Europe is back from Summer holidays! hehehehe....

OK, that'll gimme some time to save up for the trip. :D

23/06 . Still a Type 4. Oh well~

Took the 9 Types test again, because I was telling a friend about it. The last time I took it was perhaps early this year... yep, still emerge as a Type Four. hahaa.. How come I'm not surprised anymore?


OK the results :
__________________________________________________

Main Type	Overall Self

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism 36% Type 2 Helpfulness 61% Type 3 Image Focus 55% Type 4 Hypersensitivity 69% Type 5 Detachment 36% Type 6 Anxiety 27% Type 7 Adventurousness 58% Type 8 Aggressiveness 11% Type 9 Calmness 47% Your main type is 4 Your variant is self preservation

type _ score _ type behavior motivation
4 _____ 48 ___ I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
2 _____ 43 ___ I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
7 _____ 40 ___ I must be high and entertained to be happy.
3 _____ 38 ___ I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
9 ______ 33 ___ I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
1 ______ 25 ___ I must be perfect and good to be happy.
5 ______ 25 ___ I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
6 ______ 19 ___ I must be secure and safe to be happy.
8 _______ 8 ___ I must be strong and in control to be happy.

______________________________________________________


However it is interesting to note that Type 9 traits have gone further down, and Type 3 is now in the top 4. Am I feeling insecure about myself? I supposed so. I've been a wreck lately, especially in my self confidence. Oh well.

I missed being a Type 9. The Couch potato and little lamb.

22/06 . EXOTICA!!! Yum Yum!

YeeeeeeeHHaaaaaAAAArrrrrHHH~!!!!!

Went to an EXOTICA show Tuesday night (20 June), at Clarke Quay, Gotham Penthouse.



First learnt about it when I got an email about a month ago from the school (The Body Talks) where I took a 3-lesson Bachata Dancing class. Hehehe.. thought it was interesting and forwarded to a few of my galpals! I am afraid to go alone, yet would love to gain some interesting new experience for the year, do something I’ve not done before!!! Geee, none of them were interested. Finally, just about 2 weeks ago, one of them (probably never read her emails for a long time) suddenly came back with an enthusiastic respond! DONE!!! Got the tickets and last night was the night!!

After work, I went straight home, had dinner and rested a little, watching TV. About 8.30pm I got myself ready and dressed up.. hehe...wore a simple black tanktop with carpio jeans and heels, grab mum's car and I'm on my way!!!!! I thought the poster said it starts at 10pm. So by 9.45pm I was already there to collect the tickets (S$18) and went in alone….. feeling rather nervous all by myself. Hey at the lobby there's another poster - it seems that the show is here for a period of time and tickets are abt S$20, and on Wednesday its S$10 for ladies nite!!! WTF?? I could have gone on Wed instead. And Hey... someone told me he'll do it for me - private show for S$10, hehehehe *slurp~!!!* Bring it on, baby, bring it on!! Entering in, I was greeted by nice groovy music, and woah.. the place was already filled with beautiful sassy sexy hot women, and they look so gorgeous!!! oh my! Look at them! *drrrrooooooo…l* I want that body!!!! Hahaa.. There's even a lady wearing a white veil on her head, having a party with her friends. She's getting married the next day!!!

Walked around the place just to survey and check it out… Hmmmm… it has some nice private corners, perfect for making out after getting drunk, LOL!!! Friend sms to say she’ll be late – oh dear, I’m gonna be here alone for a while! Then, I suddenly caught sight of EDDIE!!!! Woohoooo~! So glad to see a familiar face at the bar! Eddie used to be the bartender at … erm… oh.. can’t remember the name of that pub at the basement of Phoenix Hotel.. uhhggggh… nevermind. He’s a friend of a friend who used to bring me there for drinks and nice music, especially because I love live music, heh! So we chatted on for a little while, found out he’s gonna be a PR in Australia soon, applied so waiting for approval. I’ve not seen him for more than a year! Finally the music got so loud we can’t hear each other…. And not nice for me to lean so much forward, he’ll be looking down my …erm… valleys. Hahahaha~!! OOPS! Hope he didn’t see the raisins, nahhhh too dark, too tiny. Bwahahahaha..!! Anyway, the ladies who just arrived began to squeeeeze me out of the bar, and most of them were spitting clouds that always seem to engulf me. ARGH. Finally, I went to one sorry corner to stand. *pout & whine*

By 10.30pm, still the show hadn’t started, and i'm getting bored. Haha but in the end I have some fun anyway, exchanging sms with my pal, always making me laugh and smile with the witty lines. Finally my friend and her sis arrived, and we exchanged the ticket butt for drinks. I had whiskey coke, yum yum~ and 5 mins later, the show begun!!!! *SCREAM LADIES SCREEEEEEAM!!!!!!*

Oh my!!!! 4 sexy hunks in army pants and netted shirts revealing their ripping muscles came on stage and making hot hot hot hot moves! Hehehe… so exciting and fun, haaha…and we made wolf cries, screams and whooping noises, while laughing away. The show gets hotter as the guys made some solo performances that aim to please the ladies.. we have a guy in cowboy wear - he's the hottest of them all, and he danced to the song "Cotten-Eyed Joe" - one of my favorite country western song! Oh my~ .. the final "dance" was by a hunk dressed in business wear doing smooth classy sexy moves like James Bond…taking off the belt and do whipping moves and put it between his legs pulling it back and forth, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I’m BLUSHING!!!!!! For the whole time I was covering my face and squealing at the top of my lungs, giggling and saying OMG OMG OMG…. I had such tremendous fun!!! It was so thrilling, exhilarating, hahaah… It’s great to be teased like that. OMG!! But awwwwwwwwwww……. I missed out on a few critical sights, because I went squatting down and squealing while covering my face feeling so shy to see what’s going on!!! HEHE.. The hunk wore a nice black leather brief and he pulled the sides up, back facing us, revealing the firm bouncy butt cheeks, then he clenched them several times (woohooooo! Haha!! Yeeeeeharrrrrrr!!), do quick thrusting movements *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!* then with a naughty look ..... Ooooops!!! he pulled the black little sexy brief down!!!!!!! OMG OMG O M G!!!!! Yeah, yeah yeah of course there’s a g-string he was wearing underneath but I have already gone hot RED in my face and didn’t see a thing becoz I went weak in my knees was squatting down and squealing. DAMN~!!! Oh... my poor heart.. more more more!!!!

It was really tremendous fun we had at EXOTICA, too bad the performance lasts only about 20 mins. I screamed so much and laughed so much, and even threw my bra on stage!!!!! *guilty look* (…..ok didn’t, hahahaa.. but I might next time. Kekekekeke, I'll just bring an extra bra in my bag for the throwing, umm.. maybe mum's bra, haha~). When the show ended, we left and I gave my friends a lift home. Haha, for a straight 20mins after the show my face was still flushed and couldn’t stop smiling, my friends as well. We’re all so hyped up by it, you can see our eyes sparkle and looking so rejuvenated, exhilerated and delirious. It’s wonderful to be teased by a guy, really!! YUM yum!!!!

Hmmmm.....I think they're still gonna be in town for a few more days… maybe I’ll go again. Now where’s my diary…..

22/06 . Debt Free at last!!

At last!!!! AT LAST AT LAST AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally I paid mum the final FINAL installment of S$2000 yesteday upon getting my June salary, and brought my years of debt to an end! My debt level was at a high of S$45K at one point and I've been using more than 80% of my monthly salaries just paying debts alone (to 12 different bank credit accounts) for the past 8-9 years!!! Mum found out early last year and loan me S$30K to pay the banks off a large part of the debt, and after paying off the remaining of the debts, only the S$30k debt to mum remained. Hence I've been paying her S$2K monthly for the 15 months ... and FINALLY! YES!!!! I have finally repay in full to mum the outstandng amount of money!!!!!

Ohhhh... but not sure why... I still don't feel anything yet.. the emotions... - I should be really dancing and leaping with joy but I don't seem to feel anything!! I think it'll come later, the joy, the freedom of being debt-free will surely come later!

Today is so significant.
It's a day that I've been awaiting for ...
A dream that have finally come true.

Gosh, it has been almost 1o years.... It had seemed so impossible and I've been always praying for a miracle... there were such moments of quiet desparations and hopelessness and deep fear, which I have to keep secret from my love ones, especially my parents, where I weep in the wee hours of the night crying out for a miracle. I was so tired of the burden, so tired of juggling the debts and balances and expenses...

Today, it has finally came to pass.. Finally, the money I earn will no longer be someone else's or the creditor's money, it belong to me totally to do whatever I fancy, (net spendable income after deduction of all monthly utilities and payments of course!)
WOW~ Still can't believe it.....

Ok, there's still S$2000 that belongs to dad which I drew from the joint account (of me and dad) to meet some expenses due to the purchase of some services and stuff. But that money is actually for me, says dad, just in case anything happens to him and he's gone so he would have at least left me something.... (Sob, so touched). However, I have not inherited it yet, so I feel I don't wanna abuse it eventhough I know I have the permission to use it anytime. Nah, I don't think I want to start the bad habit of "borrowing", I should learn my lessons - yes painful ones - not to spend nor loan money to others beyond my means. Sigh...

There's also still the debts under my name (my accounts) of about S$1400 payable by OA, and S$11,000 payable by LY. OA's portion of debt would probably be closed by Feb-07... but LY's... Sigh... another few years at least! She's only paying S$400 per month into the account which still accumulate interests. Yet there's no way she could get more money or transfer the amounts to a credit account in her name because no banks are giving her any approvals due to her income level. If she decides to disappear and default payments, everything will be liable by me. I'll really be fucking screwed. As for OA, they're paying S$200 each month, and have promised to do it till they fulfilled the entire payment. Just another 7 months to go... I guess I can only take their words for it and hope they won't screw me too.

OK, but let me just focus on the JOY OF Being DEBT FREE again!!!!! YAY!!!!!

My heart still feels kind of heavy and apprehensive, and I'm still not sure of my financial outlook. But at least from now, I'll probably start to be able to have some savings... eventually, to be able to give my parents some cash, and reward myself once in a while with nice things in life. Hee..

However, I have agreed to take over Georgie's car for a period of time to help relieve the burden on car related expenses (he has a 2nd baby coming! need to budget!!!), and that would mean a hefty sum going into payment of the car and the running costs for me. Yet in a way, its a win-win situation... I get to fulfill another dream of having my own car! Wow, and that is also a dream since 1994 after I got my driver's licence. Anyway, hope I'll still have enough change to spare after paying for all these plus usual montly bills. Would really love to be able to go for a holiday... and not only that - to have $$$$$ to spend during the holiday too!!!

Right now, I'm just glad. Truly truly glad. :-)
Suddenly, I feel so emotional. Awwww... somebody gimme a hug.

Perhaps I'll celebrate next month when i get my new pay cheque!!! WOW!!!

17/06 . What Can We Give?

Read this off a friend's blog. A good reminder for myself, sigh... Have been so pre-occupied with myself lately that perhaps, I might have really neglected to offer these gifts to the people in my life, or people in general :


What Can We Give?
Fifteen special gifts you can give anytime--and that don't cost a cent!

By Hal Urban

When we give our time we give our lives. It’s the foundation of these fifteen special gifts. You may not have previously thought of them as gifts, but they are. If you look upon them in this way you’ll be much more likely give them and be a blessing to others.

1. The Gift of Personal Communication
How do you feel when someone contacts you out of the blue for the sole purpose of reminding you that you’re a treasured friend? You feel the same way everyone else does—special, loved, appreciated. And you can brighten someone else’s life any day of the week. This can be done with a phone call, a handwritten note, or an e-mail, and none take more than a few minutes.

2. The Gift of Quotations
I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t appreciate a good quotation. That’s why I put so many of them in my books—they’re a gift to my readers, especially those who have expressed appreciation for them. The beauty of a good quotation is that it’s brief, to the point, full of wisdom and advice, and a boost for the spirit. Find them, collect them, and share them. It’s a simple way of giving someone a lift.

3. The Gift of a Good Recommendation
When you make a great discovery, one that in some way enriches your life, share it with others. It could be a book (like this one, I hope), a play, a movie, a restaurant, a recipe, an article, a product, a service, a TV program, or a music CD. When you make these kinds of recommendations, you’re really saying, “This brought some joy to my life. I want it to do the same for you.”

4. The Gift of a Helping Hand
All of us appreciate it when someone not only offers to help, but actually follows through. We’re all faced with tasks—some big, some small; some important, some trivial; some requiring skill, some menial. Whatever it is, it always goes better with the help of another person. Whether on the job, at home, in school, or out socially, the gift of help is always appreciated.

5. The Gift of Laughter
I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like to laugh. It’s one of the happiest and most healthy activities known to the human race. Victor Borge said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” It’s also a life enhancer and a great gift, one that can be given easily and often. Don’t let those funny jokes, stories, bloopers, signs, and one-liners fade away. Share them with others.

6. The Gift of Listening
There are many times when someone close to us wants only one thing—our full and undivided attention. Listening intently to another person, with our eyes and with our hearts, silently says, “What you have to say, and the feelings behind your words, are important. Right now this is the best gift I can give you. I value our friendship.”

7. The Gift of an Invitation
I regard all invitations, whether to a major event, a wedding, a party, a sporting event, or lunch with a friend, as special gifts. Whenever we ask someone to join us, we’re really saying, “I want you to be there. Your company is cherished. You have something good to offer.” We all want to be included, to be asked to join in, for a simple reason—sharing experiences with other people is one of the greatest joys of life.

8. The Gift of Physical Affection
How do you feel when someone gives you a hug, a warm handshake, a friendly pat on the back, a kiss on the cheek, an affectionate touch? If you’re a normal, red-blooded, breathing, living human being, you feel great. Alan Loy McGinnis, an esteemed counselor and author, advises, “Use your body to demonstrate warmth.” With the right people and in the proper setting, that’s exactly what acts of fondness do. Give this gift of affection liberally

9. The Gift of Appreciation
When someone does something thoughtful for us, regardless of its nature, it’s a gift. We can give another gift in return simply by expressing our appreciation. The great psychologist and philosopher William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” We can satisfy that craving, and give a gift, every time we express our appreciation.

10. The Gift of Good Advice
Not everyone asks for it or wants it, but there are times when good advice is the greatest gift of all. The reason is that it can change lives. Countless accomplished people throughout history have cited good advice as the key to their success. When the opportunity is there and the other person is willing to listen, never hesitate to give this precious gift.

11. The Gift of Encouragement
One of the greatest things you can do for another person is give encouragement. The word means, literally, to give courage. Sometimes it’s all a person needs to get started on something important. History is full of stories about people who achieved great things because of someone else’s encouragement.

12. The Gift of Patience
This is actually a dual gift, because patience always comes as the result of understanding. That’s what we most want from other people, especially those closest to us. We especially need their patience and understanding when we’re not at our best. They’re gifts that enrich relationships by allowing them to grow. We can give the same gift to our family members, friends, and colleagues.

13. The Gift of Empathy
Any time we can share feelings with another person, whether they’re of sorrow or joy, we give a treasured gift. When Cathy’s dad died unexpectedly in his midfifties some years ago, she experienced both shock and loss. The greatest comfort she received was from people who had also lost a parent under similar circumstances. They were able to identify with her, understand what she was going through, offer hope, and let her know they were there for her.

14. The Gift of Forgiveness
This is the ultimate win-win gift. Both the giver and the receiver get something of great value—healing. We’re all in need of it because we’ve all been hurt and offended by someone else. It makes it easier to forgive them when we remind ourselves that we’ve also caused pain in others. Forgiveness releases us from unnecessary negative emotions and allows us to move on to better things.

15. The Gift of Prayer
It was not a coincidence that I received an e-mail, a phone call, and a handwritten note about prayer while writing this chapter. Each one was from a dear friend who was not only thinking about me but praying for me. What made the gift even more special was that I hadn’t asked for the prayers. Since I look upon prayer—communication with God—as the highest activity of which a human being is capable, and because I know the sincerity of these people, their gifts became lasting treasures.