01/05 . I'm back!!!

My dear dear friends who have been my blogders (blog-readers),

First of all, forgive me for shutting down the blog for a while, and also changing the url name. I have made the mistake of letting a guy - whom I've gotten emotionally involved - into my blog. He loved the way I wrote, and hence I was eager to let him read my blog too. BIG MISTAKE. He practically reads it daily and and left my blog as a permanent opened window on his PC so he will not miss an update (so he says -- anyway, I bet he didn't even noticed I have shifted my blog address). I was flattered at first, but then... I have always been a person who need to reserve some of my private thoughts and feelings from others, or the direct person I am interacting with.

And largely due to that reason, I was afraid to put down how I was really thinking and feeling, because it made me very vulnerable, as well as.... some of my honest thoughts will probably jeopardize an already complicated situation. I was afraid that I might be misunderstood as well, because if I were to pen my fears, will it be taken as emotional blackmail? Do I want to write down how much I desire & admire him or my fantasy & hopes and dreams of him and scare him away (perhaps in doing so gave him the secrets to controlling/manipulating me)???Do I want him to know how insecure or negative I feel? And do I want him to read about how pissed and petty I am and potentially have that start a fight? And do I write down my doubts and suspicions of him and the incongruent things he said?????? NOPE. Therefore, my silence... and just posting of some "safe" entries.

Anyway, soon I will write an account of this "affair" (summerized) from my perspective. And of course, I won't let people in on my blog again - those whom I date or might get emotionally involved,- Except for one - you know who you are, you're the one who inspired me on starting the blog and a friend and somewhat soulmate. Anyway you no longer date me, so its ok, hehehehe..

Anyway, my so called "LOVE EPISODE" is way OVER. hahahaa... I was really too quick to say the word "I love you", and you bet, it will not be so quick in future. I thought it was love, but I guess not. This experience has definitely left a hole in my heart and some scars, and I will try not to let anymore freaks sway me with their cheaptalk so easily anymore. Sigh..... Yes, my last entry seems rather ridiculous too, getting so depressed just becos a guy didn't call for 2 days? Well, I was not in the mood to give the background of the story, but I will -- in the summary account, and you'll understand why I was so frustrated.

There was this post I read, written by a Singaporean lady who works and live in Hong Kong (woah~ I love the way she writes!) and something she wrote expressed to some extent what I was going through (in the beginning), but of course from a different tone (mine will be more heart wrenching confusion heartaches, instead of bliss). Anyway, here's an extract :

[Sash -- A Babe In Toyland] : "I am having the time of my life right now. Personally, socially, sexually and for once, a little bit emotionally. This is unique, unusual and unexpected. And for someone with as unconventional a view of life as me, it is also extremely hard to come by. There is a lot going on that I am not ready to write about yet. Not because I am afraid of looking silly and absurd in front of you (now that is a long lost cause if ever I saw one!) but because I don't want to chase away the delicate grace-notes that are floating by and ground them into a structured orchestral opus as yet. As beautiful as that score may be, there is a time and place for everything. And now is my time to capture the moment, to feel inspired, to think foolish thoughts and dream imprudent dreams. I am storing up nuggets in my life-bank, stashing away as much as I can for the rainy days I see ahead. And if I suffer, for now I prefer to do so in silence. I am sorry I can't be more than just annoyingly vague but I know that you will understand. And be happy for me. You know, I will reveal more with time. "

If you're interested to read her blog, its at : www.singleserves.blogspot.com (However, please be warned of the adult content. hehehehe...)

The GOOD NEWS, my friends, is that I am now recovering back to my old zany wacky bubbly self, and soon I will update as much as possible my recent adventures, trips out of Singapore, photos, stories, new job and new dates (met some freaks from the internet and disappointing dates arranged by the Dating agency).

Through this period, I've grown. The most significant growth is the growth of my kingdom sideways of course! Wahahahaha... It's 1st of May, and I have not made it to the gym. Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.... Teeheehee.. will be doing that soon, now that my distractions and depression is over. Time to get back on track.

Hugs for all of you (muuaaaaa~)
*_*

P.S... If you get notified that I'm renaming the url / location again, most probably I am hiding it again from someone I foolishly granted permission to read and regretted doing it. Hehehehe... Please bear with me then! I guess I'm just not so cool a gal. By the way, any guru can gimme some tips?