07/05 . Happy Mother's Day!

Dearest Mummy,

Today is Mother's day!!!!! and I wanna tell you this :

I love ya, Mummy!
Thanks for all that you've done for me.....

I have been a great source of worry for you, and have caused you much pain. I really wish I could make you truly happy for me and be free of anxieties that kept you sighing for me.

Thank you for the S$50,ooo (and more) that you've loaned to help me through the most foolish debt of my life... I will not lend money to people beyond my means again. It was foolish of me, so foolish ... that all my earnings had been channeled into paying this debt incurred to help out in another entity's situation. But I'm so glad... in a few monthz time I would have repaid all that I've owed you, making me debt free and then I can start giving you and dad some love gifts, heh.... so sorry for the past 10 years I've not been able to give to you and dad like all children do...

But I know you're so glad and comforted.. that I've finally found a new permanent job - and get opportunities to travel to Europe! Sorry for making you worry so much about my career and livelihood and source of income. You know I have no savings right now and hence no finances to cover me if there should be any crisis, and you know I don't have good money-sense and is always too generous, hehehehe... that's why you're always nagging at me and reminding me NEVER to loan money or lend money again - despite knowing I will loose my patience to listen and scowl (black face) and be stubborn.

Nevertheless, I too, hope to make this new job successful...., I promise, I will do my best to perform at work and put on my best attitude and be resilent during tough hours. So far I've been truely happy at work, mum - not like the previous few permanent jobs. The folks seems to like me and I feel I can blend in and get along with them. The bosses are quite fair, treats me nice nice and the environment is so far so positive. I feel motivated though there's really a lot of things for me to handle and some of which I have no idea how to do it. It does seem that long hours might again be expected for this job, but NO WORRIES, MUM! I will still try to find time to go out and "park tor" and try to make more friends (men). I know you're always kind of disappointed when you realise I'm going out with my girlfriends instead of going out on a date. hehehe....

I know you're worried too, that at this age of thirty plus four (and will turn 1 year older by end of the year....) I still have not found a man to love, nor have met anyone who would take good loving care of your silly goofy stubborn naive lazy endearing guilable pui-pui and .... blah blah blah~... daughter. You're worried about the new friends I'm making from the internet and you're worried that these are freaks and wolves who will take advantage of me or ruin me. Sigh.. and yes, mum.... indeed...., I've really met some freaks & perverts so far, and do felt quite disappointed too. And I dare not tell you... that my heart has been broken by one of them (my own fault lah..) and I know that from day 1 when I mention to you about him you were already disapproving of it. And when my heart & emotions are in turmoil and bleeding.. I had a hard time hiding it - I know you could tell it from my body language and my sighing (which I was not even conscious of) that something is bothering me. I'm sorry about my lousy defensive attitude when you try to probe.. I told you I'm just feeling kindof bad tempered due to the warm humid weather... because I know you will be upset with me being such a silly fool and curse that bastard if I tell you all about it.

Anyway, finally I did tell you about it, though I say its cool, its over, no loss and don't worry, I felt such devastation. But I guess you could only see me acting nonchalent about it..like it is nothing, so cool, wah your daughter so cool and in control.. Hmmm..... Sigh~.. By the way, THAT is the first "pseudo-relationship" of my life, mum. I did had some romantic good times, but the rest are really bad. It hurts me that I had to hide it from you.. it pains me that I can't run home and tell you all about how wonderful this guy is or how much I'm hurting bcos of him.. I cried and cried and cried rivers of tears at night in my room feeling so confused and abandoned and worthless and mistreated... yet knowing its not true that I'm worthless -- and no man who made me feel this way is worthy of me, and I wish.. someone.. or you.. could come and hug me and tell me its alright. I just don't know how to tell you. maybe I just don't want you to worry.. I know you will be on my side. Really, I do wish to make you my best friend , but .. I wish I know how ... but I will try..

And dear mummy, I do really wish to meet someone whom you will like too, someone you'll be proud that your daughter is seeing or eventually marrying. I know you're not the superficial kind of mum but all you wanted for me is my happiness. Your opinion and approval do meant a lot to me, that's why sometimes, I filter information that might shed a negative light on the friends I'm going out with - especially the men I'm dating - and especially if I knew them from the internet. But its true, so far, other than a few - the rest are a disappointing lot. I do admit, I am beginning to get disillusioned. But thank you for not rushing me. Thank you for not using any words on me that devalue me for being unmarried and unattached at this age.

Hahahaa... I still remember your words, when you ask me am I really sooOOOoooo pathetic that no men EVER took an attraction to me??!!?? It was such disbelief you had. But I am happy to tell you, mum, that yes - recently there's been quite a few men who was attracted to me -- however I did not pursue anything with them (except one, of course) because they seem unreliable and are men looking for flings, or have some freak fantasies they're looking to me to help satisfy. Men that are questionable. I dare not tell you that I even dated an Indian man and went for a movie. He expressed attraction for me, said he has fallen for me and that I "turn him on". And he asked me to join him for a drive up to Malaysia for the weekend. Of course I turn him down!!!! I'm not such a woman - I still want to guard my reputation. As for the UK guy, I know you're rather excited that I'm going to date an angmoh, and was rather disappointed that I didn't really like him. Yes, I told you he was too mushy mushy, but I didn't tell you, mum, that all he want from me is a good blowjob throughout his life!!!!! That he will provide me emotional & material support or "love" and companionship, ONLY if I'm happy to cuddle up like a little girl and suck his d*** like a milk bottle and drink his milk everyday, plus some other quirks.. HOW DO I TELL YOU ALL THESE!!!!????? Sheesh~ No way I wanna be "loved" for the sole reason for being a world-class cocksucker! You've given me more and greater gifts than that!!! I have a much greater sense of worth and dignity than that!!! WTF!!!

I have lots of guys who wrote me from a few internet friendship sites, but most of them are just in love with my photo, I think. They will tell me they love my smile and want to be friends... oh how shallow. But can't really blame them, I did put my nice sweet pictures (can't bear to post my worse pics of course!!!~ I may look stupid but I am not stupid! hur-hur~) And yah, I know... you're worried that if I continue to put on weight, I'll be so fat and ugly and no men will pay me any attention... yeah, I think I'm worried about the same thing too. sigh..... and I am not getting any younger.

Right now there's another angmoh married (WTF??!!) man that seem interested in me and was expressing all kinds of lustful desires for me, saying he felt a special connection, wish to cuddle me, and bet the first time we meet we will surely kiss passionately. *roll eyes. Sigh, where are all the good single men??????? Anyway, it turns out, he is saying the same things to another lady friend of mine.

It's really hard to meet a good decent noble man out there, mum. Plus I do seem to be rather selective. I like a guy who speaks well and who can really interact with me. I like him to be fun and charming too, with a witty sense of humour that is not too distasteful. I like a guy who enjoys food, and hopefully he'll be in awe of your cooking! Also, somehow, I still prefer those who are musically inclined and like songs and music. (I tried dating a few guys who are tone deaf or have no sense of liking for music and I totally felt turn off). And of course, it'll be great if he holds a good job and is financially stable, so that you don't have to worry for me, because you know he can take care of me if ever I loose my job or had children or whatever. A man who will have time for me, who knows how to treasure and cherish me and not take me for granted... sigh.. is that a tall list? Oh yes, let's not forget about movies and TV. hahahahahaha...

Sadly, there was a few men.. whom I actually favour... but I guess I'm too shy or too proud or felt too vulnerable to express how I feel about them, or the feelings or attraction is not mutual. Oh well~ their loss, I suppose. heheheheheheeh...

Really, mum, I want you to be happy for me and glad for me.... and I'm sorry that so far, I have been far from being able to make you truly happy and glad for me.

Lately, you've been worried about Aunt Nai's financial situation too, and your teeth problems.. and I know you feel depressed at times when you see yourself aging... I wish I could have the finances to settle all that for you - prevent you from loosing all your good teeth, send you to slimming spa packages to give you a nice trim figure, skin laser treatments to rid it of the lines and pigmentations and other flaws or signs of aging... and travel to countries with you to see the world and enjoy & experience the sceneries and nature.

Right now, I promise to stay focused and work hard on the job, and try not to spend $$ too unwisely (ooops~), and try to travel next year with you together. I will try to start my exercise soon, and keep fit, so that you 'll not worry about me looking like a hippo and no men will want me. hehehehehe....

Oh, and thank you too, for bearing with my piggy lifestyle : I really made a pigsty out of my room. It is forever messy and dusty and you just don't understand how I could put up with such an environment. heh... Thanks for removing my bedsheets and washing them (though you know I'll complain silently abt you leaving it for me to spread them back myself), and for helping me with my laundry sometimes.

Thanks for the yummy good food you cook for me (you're the best cook in my world!), and for making me feel loved and cherished, and for letting me know how much you appreciated my company as well - You need a friend too, and I know there must be millions of things you wish you could confide in me or just get it off your chest -- but I am rarely there for you. I try to have more afternoon weekend tea with you!

I love you mum, and appreciate you very much. I will try to remember to be a better daughter, a better friend, a lesser worry for you, a greater source of your pride and joy.

Happy Mother's Day~ and wishing you good health and good health and GOOD HEALTH and youth and youth and YOUTH and happiness and happiness and HAPPINESS!!!!

Love,
Ying


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3 hours later.....

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Erm.... heh.... paiseh... *blush..
Just realised that I'm a week too early for this letter. Mother's day is prob next week on the 13th May. hehehehehe...
The dingbat strikes again!!!! Cheh~, and I was really typing the above with full emotions and tears streaming down my face! At one point, Mum came into my room to ask me what I'm busy with (because its time to go pick up my brother from the airport).. and saw me with wet puffy eyes and I was quickly sucking in my mucus flowing from the nose... Told her I was reading something touching online. hwah-hwah-hwah-hwah.... I felt so tickled about it now.
But anyway, mum's not supposed to read whatever's above. Sigh....
I feel so lonesome today. I'll live. I'm still doing fine, and alive, and has the potential to be happy. YAY!!!!

- 8.33pm, 7 May 2006