29/05 . Time-Out for Romance

I'm gonna take my mind off dating and romance for the season... Yeah~ It's time for the lake of my heart to be given some peace, to let the ripples settle... to let it return to it's state of serenity.

Was out this evening for a movie with a friend, and on the way back, she told me about a guy she got to know recently and the possibility of it turning into friendship with possibilities... she was in such bliss, and I could sense and see her excitement, anticipation... along with the loads of considerations of "what ifs" and hypothetical situations.. Deep down I was genuinely happy for her and I hope it turns out well! It is really hard to find a soul mate these days, especially one whose personality and mind and likes/dislikes are largely similar.. We talked and joked and YAY!!!! of course I will not miss the golden opportunity to tease her loads about it, as well as give her some caution from my shallow yet still painful personal experience. But she's much older and wiser than me and possibly less impulsive than I am.. she'll be fine.

Anyway, when I'm home and alone in my thoughts, I couldn't help but feel the pangs of lonesomeness and longing for someone too... and my mind flooded once again with memories which brought back some pain (geee.. it's still there~ well so? it'll take time..). So I cried a little - just to get it out of my system. But I guess, judging by the pathetic drips of tears that I managed to force out of my eyes, I'm probably getting better. I don't cry rivers anymore. buahahaahhaa....

I wonder.. when will I kiss another man again, with my heart soul desire and passion and lips, of course (and without the help of alcohol), and enjoy his loving embrace, feeling his affection and caress, knowing that he cherishes me and has honourable intentions of developing the relationship with me into something long term, possibly with marriage in mind, that we could both put in efforts to work it out. Hmmmm.... not in the near future, I reckon~!! SIGH...... Right now, I am feeling so vulnerable and fearful of giving my heart away and be disappointed. Again I admit, I'm just not so cool... Moreover, after my 3-months pseudo-relationsip with Captain Hook ended abruptly (by me via sms, I guess..) I am so hungry to experience those "loving feelings" again... the need to feel attractive, the need to be desired, the need for attention and affection from a desirable man..... that for a few weeks I dated any men who asked me out -even if we might've just started chatting online that very morning!!!! Of course, the dates are just ordinary drinks or dinner or movie - nothing juicy nor sizzling - except for.... hee heee heeee.. don't tell you yet~ (Ooooohhhhhh NOPE, let me clarify : I did not become "consenting" to these freak's or weirdo's advances nor did I behave promiscuously... - butyes I admit, I was hoping for romace, sigh~). And may I add, these guys are not even guys whom I would've considered in the past!! (the "be open, just making friends and beggars can't be choosers" mentality!) *gulp* O DEAR~ what has become of me? Am I really getting desparate? BETTER START GETTING A GRIP ON YOURSELF, VIV!!

I guess, I had my "rude awakening" when I found myself ridiculously missing and looking forward to meeting a foreign friend (whom I've never met but only exchaged emails with) and getting myself ridiculously disappointed (yes, I'm the one who set myself up for the disappointment) when he failed to contact me upon his recent relocation to this land due to a job change. Oh What the????? What's happening to me!?? And this friend, he's a nice guy, who just needs friends while in a new country - he is not even a "lover" nor "potential lover" nor "potential pursue-er" (anyway he's married, I think) and I knew quite little about him too... -- just an innocent fella minding his own business, who told me 2 weeks before his arrival day that he might wanna meet me for coffee on saturday (and I assumed it is the immediate saturday) after he arrived on Tuesday. I was greatly excited.. (overwhelmingly excited, in fact... so much so that I must have sent him 5-6 messages on Friendster!!! *blush*) .... and for the 2 weeks preceding his arrival, the thought of having coffee with this friend to catch up and tell my life stories and meeting someone new kept me going (like a little girl looking forward to a party in 2 weeks' time).

And then finally, the day he arrived in Singapore came. No news. The next day. No news. Saturday came and gone. No news. And he had not checked for my messages hence he had no idea I had kept Friday to Sunday open for him. Yeah, and silly me, I took his word for it and actually kept the day open (the only thing on my schedule is a 60mins Bachata dance lesson - last lesson anyway)... and NO NEWS still... In the end I went to gym (AT LAST!!!! my 1st visit in 2006!!!!!) and then spent the rest of the evening watching a lousy boring R-rated Korean movie with my buddy (once again, I fell prey to deceiving movie reviews...hahahaah~!!), thankfully it was always a fanastic time to be with her. Absolutely fantastic!! At least I got to talk through my confusion with her, my disappointment, and of course, return the favour - but mostly, I always tend to dominate the.. erm.. conversations.. buahahahahaha..~~

Anyway, back to the story..... : The initial anticipation and excitement I had for meeting up with this new friend turned into deep disappointment and frustration (which baffled & puzzled me), and finally to feeling downright silly and foolish and bruised in my ego (yet knowing its all just me the dingbat getting all confused and emotional again~). Hence............... when I should probably be absolutely elated and delirious to finally receive 4 or 5 return messages from him on Friendster the following Tuesday (one week later) - I was totally pissed off by them!! So pissed off I never did reply them as I normally would do so immediately - if I replied there and then, I thick I would be absolutely acidic and negative in my reples. Hence, I guess silence is the best reply I could managed that evening. Nevertheless he did ask for my forgiveness for contacting me so late.. and left me his new email contact, asking me to write him... but that only made me feel more anal: --> Hey, he has my mobile number, he has my private email address, why should I be the one to flood his emails again??? What should I say anyway??? I still have some dignity left, I think. GAH, Yes, and lots of pride. Huuurrrrrrrmmmph~!!!!

Anyway, after I've simmered down, I went back to those replies of his, and heeheee... they are rather sweet, actually. *blush* But..... I no longer know what to say to him or how to say it... I felt confused and silly. I made the mistake (again~!?) of waiting for someone - for his call -when I should've get on with life-.... but set myself up for disappointment instead *cue Madonna's song "Hung Up"* So when he wrote that he'll call me for kopi soon, I have to tell myself to cool it and not get myself excited again for nothing, it's probably another lip service I'm getting~ (but honestly, sigh.... I'm still waiting.. much less consciously, but yes, still expecting, still remembering). Oh, get a life, Viv~ Not everyone follows through on what they say. Not everyone is like me, and I shouldn't expect them to meet my standards. Yet I must remind myself not to become too much of a skeptic, because there ARE still people who has that mark of excellence. In fact, sometimes I felt ashamed that they are the ones who followed up on me - beating me to it!!!! On the opposite end... I recall recently how amused and slightly pissed off I felt after missing lunch & rushing to make sure I'm on time for an appointment - only to have waited for about 20mins before the person showed up... and this person, upon seeing my concern that we might be late for the activity, told me to "relax and take it easy". Grrrr.... HEY!!! usually I'm the one who is habitually late!! hahahahaa..... but at least I apologise and try call to say I'll be late ... instead of telling people to "relax lah~" after they've paid the price to be there on time and waited for you .... SSsssss..sssss....Ssss...

IF you've been reading my posts religiously... you probably would have realised I'm a person who always examine my emotions by asking myself and analysing why am I feeling what I am feeling or why did I react in such a manner. So I did.... and after thinking it aloud... (to my buddy) I found myself being utterly ridiculous!!!!!!! Poor fella, he is innocent and oblivous and ignorant of all these.... poor guy (Yet I got pissed with him - Women!!!! tsk tsk tsk... impossible to understand~) He is just like any ordinary guy who just (prrrrrrr...tttt...) say: "hey let's catch up soon" or "let's have a coffee some time" and the "soon" might not literally mean "soon" - and I took it for real - (Oh dear~ is this a sign of desapration? - but nawwww... I guess its just me taking people's words too seriously.... maybe I need to learn to "relax lah~" buahahahaha....!!) Moreover.. meeting him.. is not even for a "date" nor anything romantic!!!! Why am I expecting him to already to meet any standards??? Am I having some romantic notions and heaping expectations upon him????!!!! Poor guy. OH NO!!! I BETTER NOT!!!!!!! GAH. I'm such a mess. I can't imagine if some guy somewhere --maybe just a male colleague from another country whom I've never met personally-- have such kind of expectations of me... I'll probably freak out if I get to know that when I go to his country for a meeting/visit he became overly excited to meet me, got disappointed because I was too busy to or unable to contact him while there, and he got pissed off at me for that??? Ridiculous!!. BUAHAHAHAHA.... Yes, sigh~ it is utterly ridiculous. Anyway, now that I've realised my mistake, its time to ...erm... detangle my emotional mess..... and heal.

And so... I brooded a little over my emotional life a bit tonight (while in the shower, and while folding my freshly dried laundry)... and came to this decision. Yeah, let me take my mind totally (if I could) OFF any hopes or ideas or possibilities or dreams of meeting someone nice to fall in love with / start a relationship with etc for the time being -- and FOCUS on other aspects of my life. I'm determined to spend the next few months going gym regularly to burn those cubes and KGs of fats off, tone up my body, strengthen the core muscles (probably get a PT's help due to my back and knee problems..) so that at the end of the next 6 months I could be physically fit, and feel better, look better (yes, I do look better slimmer and 10 kg lighter!). I'll focus on my loved ones, my buddies, and of course the new friends I've made and plan to keep (yes, there are a few genuine nice people I've met). And if you are reading this blog post, you needn't wonder if you fall into the above category --- OF COURSE YOU ARE, silly! (ok.. You are, ppppppreciousssss~ *in Golum's voice*)..

Anyway, I have not gone on anymore dates recently - the last one being arranged by IJL (damn pathetic choice they selected - I'm so pissed off with the agency) and ONE last one to go. I really kissed my S$900 good bye in terms of meeting guys of my criteria. But not all is lost, I've gained some dating experiences, and have outgrown my initial social shyness, PLUS I've an idea of what I don't want and what I preferred in the kind of men I wanna meet. I believe none of the guys I've known recently (either via chat or match.com or Friendster) is likely to make any advance on me, so I'm safe ...yeah, ok that sounds kindof very KNS, somewhat hyprocritical and ironic - but it's true - because that means I won't have any hopes to entertain. Feels kind of sad to be so pessimistic, but I guess, this is how I'm dealing with reality right now. We cope the best way we can. The best way I can cope now is to retract back and hide in my tortise shell... hop back into my well... till I feel stronger to try again.

I should also just take my picture off those websites or shut the account down altogether. Cut off these sources of distraction, confusion and false hope for a while.... I've not been in the chatrooms for the past few weeks either, I guess I have heard enough of the horror stories and felt so disgusted with the things that goes on... I've had my fun and time to move on to other interests and experiences. I'll just take the one or two nice friends I've made along in my new journey.. and this reminds me.. what happened to El Gato my new found favourite bitching post? Hadn't seen him online for awhile...

Of course, knowing me, I know that all the above might be just a pile of shit (or empty talk) once someone exciting comes along, or something unexpected develops out of the ordinary friendships I am maintaining. buahahahahahaha.... OK, let's wait and see.

But yeah, as of right now... froggie wanna jump back into the safety of the big big well and hide in the clefts for a while till she stops shivering.

Hence I will try to focus on doing my job well, keeping my body fit, spend quality time with family and people who meant something to me, pick up new skills, try new things, and most of all, I WILL LOVE ME. I will love me tenderly, affectionately, sweetly, kindly. I also will love my fats. haw haw haw haw haw..... and YES!!! I will have the courage to be imperfect.

Well, talking about being imperfect, I realised that recently I have become a little fiesty. Hmmm... is that good or bad?? I have also been bold enough to be bitchy when I'm not happy with bad customer service attitudes or levels - but I am not sure if its because those "victims" seemed "bully-able". (yarlah-yarlah I know there's no such word lah~). I used to be so nice, so helpful, so amiable, so "doormat-able", so gracious, so kind, never say a hard word, never criticise aloud, never curse nor speak profanity.... what happened??????!!!!!!!!!!!! Were those hypocrisy in the past??? But I guess.. I had enough of being too nice. Argh~ I actually like my identity now, however, I should still keep an eye on myself and not to turn into a monster nor a bitch. Sigh~ anyway, I don't know WTF I'm whining or rambling about righ now. Maybe its because its already 3.57am. hur-hur...


OK, thank you, for surviving yet another long blog entry by moi. Love for you and me.
Muacks~


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