28/01 . Adjust, Change, Simplify

Still in depression. Yes I have to admit to still crying over him, and grieving over broken dreams, and having some resentments over several other things, and disappointments. But my heart has quietened down. However yesterday I had a miss call whilst out with SH, ... "unknown" caller, seems like from overseas. Could it be him? Sigh, that sets all the waves off again... just when the ripples have began to fade in the lake of my heart.

We have not been in contact for almost the longest time now. This time, somehow there is greater peace of mind. Perhaps it was because I was no longer waiting for any text or mail or call from him. In the past yes, I had wanted him to chase me back... I had hoped for him to anxious over me but he always chose to leave me alone instead, which further devastate me each time, crumbling to a puddle and crushed in my spirits.. and ran back to him because i miss him more. This time, its different. I don't expect calls, I don't expect mails, I don't expect anything. I just die to expectations.

Last spoke to him on Thursday.. 25th Jan. We didn't have a pleasant final conversation. I called him to apologise for what I said wrongly the other day that I know must have hurt him. I had to apologise for it. He deserved the apology. But I should have just ended the call at the apology.. sigh... Anyway, I said some nasty stuff out of my negative emotions, and told him there's no need to waste anymore of his call minutes on me, he can use them all on Hani. Told him they are perfect for each other. And yes, told him goodbye. What did he say? Well, at first he was still mocking at my "plan to leave", he took it lightly, obviously. And when i apologise that I can't live up to my promise to wait till March for him to sort things out with Hani bcos I know it ain't gonna happen so no point waiting... he said he will then also promise me he will not read my blog (the one that I posted after I got his email) - not unless I'm returning, for there is no point putting himself through reading it unless I'm not leaving. I told him its fine, he don't have to read it if he don't think its worth it, because that only shows me what his so called love for me is made of. I regret asking him to read it. I regret being so sincere and earnest in wanting him to understand me.

My after thoughts of that statement from him is negative :
(1) I will not have him blackmail me with reading the blog as a reason to return to this mess. I love him but this love can no longer tolerate his frolicking with Hani's heart and soul or whatever truth or lies I've been told. I am tired.
(2) Also, if he does not wish to read it, then he should not patronise me by reading it. So its fine. Let those who truly care for what is happening in my heart and mind and soul read it. What are friends for? There will be a few more who would love to read what I have to write no matter how it drags their day down, its just that I have not given them this right. So don't insult my blog by using it as leverage. And I'm a fool by offering it .... thinking that he loves enough to know what went wrong, to know how I was feeling. Perhaps i should not have expected such of men. Perhaps men in general are disappointing in these ways. I should not have softened my heart towards him. sigh.
(3) For him to promise NOT to read it, is breaking another promise. He had promised that he would read it, and after that he would write me a mail or more... to explain, to clarify, to give me a reason to stay. Hence, by not doing the above, he only took the option of not taking the action in giving me the reason to stay... i.e. He don't want to do anything about it. How sad for me. I feel sorry for myself. Anyway, what's the point, he won't be able to do what i required of him.

Anyway, I am beginning to think, what he had for me was but a crush.. a schoolboy crush. Just romance.. just feelings of love... love without committment nor sacrifice. I guess that's not the kind of love I'm looking for.

A friend who is going through divorce told me this of her husband : Her husband has a weakness for falling in love with women. Yes, almost every other month, he would fall in love with a new woman, and he really does love them. His feelings were true.. and he would not fight them nor hold them back from the women he was focused on. He never felt he was wrong, and sees himself as a good person. He was womanising without realising. He even told her to tolerate it, telling her that his "affair" will be over in a month or two... but how can she, as his wife, continues to understand and tolerate that? A woman can never tolerate the man she loves having another woman in his heart.

I heard a song today over the radio and was totally cynical when the man sang... he has enough love for two. OK, if you continue to listen, he meant love for "you and me". But when I heard "enough love for two"... I nearly choked. Paul has enough love for two certainly. Me and Hani. I don't. I only have enough love and attention for one. I am a simple girl, and my love is simple. I love wholeheartedly, my attention focused only on him and our possible future. My heart beat for him, my thoughts never ceased thinking and missing and loving him, counting the minutes till he wake in the morning and goes to work... counting the minutes to his lunch hour... counting the minutes till he walks home from work.. My life revolved around only him, other than the other essential duties of my life and family. It hurts that i have to share his attention with another woman, knowing that the other woman wanted his undivided love and attention for her as well. It became a power struggle.. where we were put in a position to justify our value and worth in this heart. Where I know I will always choose to walk away, because i'd rather take flight than fight. I don't want to have to fight for my man, I prefer to have my man fight to have me.

Right now, my life is simple again. Yes. It's hard to adjust. It's hard to not feel that deep grieving and sorrow and pain... but i only hope it will fade. I still ache for him, I still wonder how it would be like to make love to him... because it would be a long time from now for me to ever meet a man i want to give of myself to. For i crave intimacy of the soul that intensifies the physical intimacies. I wonder when will I kiss again with my soul and give of my heart to another man. It will be a long time. It will take time for what I felt for him to fade, then to heal, and then to find courage again to take the risk. I shudder at the thought of falling into the hands of another man who seeks only his own pleasure, cares only for his own peace and safety.

Time to hide for a while.

And time to throw out all the useless things that crowded my life as the chinese new year approaches. Clear the cobwebs, dispose of ancient documents and stuffs i've kept... sigh... stressful because I'll always have problem deciding to throw or to keep for another year!

Time to shut my laptop down too perhaps. Its been behaving like its gonna crash on me anytime. Have to seek some help in reformatting it and return it to the state when it was first purchased, perhaps. That means deleting stuff and backing up stuff. Hope it will work well again after that. Anyway, my internet activity has gone down almost to zero... no more early morning chats and weekend chats with my cupcake dearest. But perhaps yes, I'll still compile the chat history between us before I clear out the laptop.. they'll be lost and i can't let that happen. The chat history is almost our story. I treasure it... i'll stuff them into a blog, perhaps.

Let things be simple again. It's always easier to make life complicated again when you get tired of the simple stuff. Its harder to simplify things though, if you are not able to make hard decision or critical decisions in your life.

I always quote my brother when it comes to critical decisions : "Do what you'll not regret, and don't regret what you've done". Because, that's how we cope with life, making the best decisions we can with what we know and using the resources & advice we have at that point in time.

Sigh, but upon saying that...
I do feel a sense of regret for leaving. Because its a choice I made on his behalf. I made him choose between me and Hani, and knowing that he will not make such a choice, I have to go. It's stupid of me, but I guess staying on means continuing in this complicated relationship. I don't want to live in resentment and bitterness and end up hating him and making him hate me. Now at least I know I'll still continue to hold his love in my heart, and he will still be a special part of my memory... as my first boyfriend - the first real romance and relationship in my life that I count as a milestone.

Sometimes, loving is letting go. I have held on too tightly, and had tried too hard to make it work. I do not want to end up cornering him or manipulating him or twisting his arms to make him do things for me or love me. I am contented that he had loved me... I know he loves me.

OK. Time to go simplify things in my life. 2007 will be different.