23/01 . How do you mend a broken heart?

I finally called him last night... after much wrestle..

I just had to hear his voice again.

Called... and he answered. The same cheerful voice. I love his voice and the way he speaks and expresses his feelings in his voice. But I guess, I don't always like what he has to say whenever the subject of Hani comes up.

Sigh.

I wonder if he realised that his love for me has been degenerating and weakening by the day in terms of how he live up to his words. sigh.

I guess all I wanted to say to him is I love you. And all I wanted him to say .. is the same. Its something I'll never tire of hearing. But yes, I guess words are not enough for me.

I told him that I'm leaving and that is the only choice I have... he wants to know how he can keep me to stay, and I told him that I don't think he would do it, knowing him so well. So I told him that I've come to the point that I want him to make a choice - choose me or Hani, one of us has to go. He protested immediately, just as expected... and said its so unfair. Sigh... yup, it is indeed unfair. Sigh.. so i guess I'm right. He did not choose me. Or rather, I know he won't choose either of us, or he would want to keep both of us, knowing that Hani wants me out and if she knows he's still contacting me she's gone. But I know that as long as he did not choose me, I'm not chosen. Actually in many cases, he had already chosen Hani. From the minute Hani ask him if he is still in communication with me... and the moment he lied and said "NO"... he had chosen Hani. Because if he said yes, hani will go and he don't want that. If he had wanted me, he would have told Hani "yes", and leave her to deal with it. He chose to tell her "No" ...... I've been sacrificed.

And talking about fairness... has it ever been fair for me? has he ever been fair to me? He has always lied about me to Hani just to keep her with him. Was that fair to me? Was it fair when the world called me a pincher-from-others-plate and boyfriend snatcher when I"m accused of seducing him... and he just keep his head down? Did he try to get me out of this misunderstood "status" as soon as he can? No, he just try to prolong things with Hani and protecting her feelings....... Is it fair to me that when he claims that he loves me, he went and kiss Hani? Does he know that by kissing her, he reinforces that he still loves her? I know he will do more than just kiss me.. he wanna make love to me, but will that change the fact that he kissed her and expect me to just deal with it like a woman who should accept that her husband takes another lover? Is that fair to me? Does he know that by telling her that he no longer is in contact with me, he reinforces that she is the one he loves and he have cut me off? Does he know that he is still proving his love to Hani? He keeps saying that he loves only me and don't love hani anymore, then why does he keep doing things that only seem like he still loves her? Why?

If you want things to be fair, then tell hani the truth... that you love me. (Is that the truth?)
Let her choose how she will deal with this information, and if she choose to leave, let her leave or you can persuade her with more lies.. erm, i mean truth. sigh.

It has been so unfair for me... so unfair.

And he can actually tell me that in the time period where he can't make calls or text, the same goes to Hani too. Geez~!! Why would I give a fuck if hani has to suffer his lack of attention? In fact, why does he even have the need to call her? I need the truth!! There was a time, where he told me that the soft approach to sorting things out with her... is to reduce contact till there's none, and perhaps let the sizzling relationship die a natural death, and let her be the one who calls it off. But he apparently forgot, or changed his mind, or was just patronizing me. She must have said she'll walk out so many times, but he chased her back. There must have been so many opportunities for him to say the truth when confronted by her, but he'd rather lie than tell her straight... to keep her, knowing that there's nothing i can do about it but to deal with it, or that he knows he can pacify me or tell me .. perhaps white lies.. that will keep me quiet for a while.

I guess, he don't understand me (neither do I understand him anymore...... he always say he'll explain in a mail, but the mail never happen. so i never get to understand.) He has no idea how to put my feelings first. its a clear case that we are not compatible, I guess. I have always held on to the thought that... perhaps without Hani, there will be no more issues to fight about anymore. We just need to keep the love alive and dreams alive till the day he is free, and we marry and grow old together.. because we will be the best companions and soulmates... and sexmates too! I'm sure of that. We'll be so great as a couple.

But...

I guess I'm wrong. its' a fantasy..... perhaps.
Without Hani, he will miss her badly. I know he will, because somehow, she holds an important place in his heart ... one that he'll never admit nor confess. I must have hurt his feelings last night when i told him i could not understand her hold over him.. i asked if it could be that she paid him money and he owe it to her? sigh, I never thought I'll say something like that, it just come out the wrong way. I don't think he'll ever forgive me.

Also, by the end of the conversation, i was sobbing and could not say a word... my heart was breaking into pieces because I know I'm leaving him for good, because he had made his choice - not me. I will not force him, and i don't think he'll think i'm worth the sacrifice. And he'll probably think that i might do the same to him if he befriend other women (he always think I'll do the same as Hani did, and that pisses me off each time.) And to my dismay, despite me crying over the phone... he had to go. And i could hear him telling his colleagues in the background not to go but to wait for him, they were probably going to get lunch or something. So he said goodbye and hung up. Sigh, how sweet. I feel sorry for myself. When i have a friend crying over the phone, I will, if in my power, put things on hold to console, to stay with the friend - what more if the person is my lover? He claims to love me more. Does he really?

My thoughts still goes to him endlessly, tears still shed for him as I continue to miss him.

I only hope that soon it will cease, and soon there will be peace in my heart again without the pain and the unfairness of staying in this love.

A friend said (after she caught me crying at my cubicle and pulled me into privacy to demand what happened and to knock sense into me), "Viv.. it has never been fair for you to start with. Look at all that you've done for him, even to the extent of planning your trips, and saving up, and OMG taking birth control pills - puttingyour body through that kind of stress and trauma... for a man who don't know how to understand and appreciate you. I've seen you done everything you can for him to love him, the tears you shed, the effort you put in, the compromise you took, the injuries you suffer. When you are crying and needed him with you, where is he? he hangs up the call on you! WAKE UP!!! You are worth so much better and you don't deserve to be treated this way Viv.... please, walk away, get a life, its obvious his heart is not with you. You need to see more men!! Stop comparing others to him and you might be able to accept someone new. Take timeout and don't think about love any more. Viv.. it pain me to see you crying like this all the time .. Yes I know how wonderful he is and I now you love him deeply, but he obviously is not contented with just you. How do you know if he is not telling the other woman the same loving things he's been telling you? how do you know? You are here so far away! TRUST? you still want to TRUST him? Come on lah Viv... what has he done to warrant your trust? Sigh, forget it, no point talking sense to you at this point. Just pull yourself together and stop crying in the office. He does not even know you're crying and hurting, and he probably is happily chatting with that woman and enjoying her attention. .... Aiyooooo, Yes, I know, you've said it before, so? So what if its your fault? why do you keep blaming yourself???? Yes you are in the wrong too, and yes you over-react and say things wrongly, but doesn't that prove that the 2 of you just don't get along? And here you are missing him and crying, is he missing you? Does he even give a f**k? Dry your tears and move on lah, find someone in future that only want to make you happy and who cares for your happiness, ugly or bald or fat or smelly nevermind, but at least he will try not to do anything to hurt you, who will be there with tissue paper or his sleeve when you cry. Good, smiling at last~!! OUI girl, I don't want to see you crying again, you understand!!!?? Hmm......!!?"


yes my dear friend, I understand. sorry to have worried you.. sighhhhh

I will try.

Time to get drunk.