22/01 - I just feel like dying

There were only a few occasions in my life I really felt like dying and ending it all...

Today is one of such.

I didn't really stop crying last night.. came to the office with swollen eyes. Cried silently and secretly when I found myself alone.. just like right now.. but I wish I'm alone in the office. Was caught crying by someone and had to say I'm OK though she is so totally unconvinced. sigh..

Silence from him ... I don't blame him. what can he say?

I just felt that I've lost everything... i lost the love that i've found. I have strangled it with my own hands... I have destroyed the very thing i loved. I drove the man away, I drained him with my negative energy, I've hurt him more than I'll ever know. I know so.

Why? why can't I just stay.. and wait? and believe? Why do i wash my face with tears and feel this utter sense of hopelessness? I wish the tears could stop gushing out each time I think of him.

Why can't I just love him without wanting to possess all of his love? Why can't I just let him love me and take what he can spare for me? Why can't I be contented with the crumbs that falls off his table?

Why do i regret so bitterly and miss him so badly each time after I said goodbye?

Why do I ask of the impossible from an ordinary man? My expectations are too high.. serves me right that I'm left on the shelf.

The only men who wanted to date me either just want to get intimate without committments, or are those I can never find myself to accept. I was so desparate for a comforting soul today and not wanting to bother ET again... i asked Martin and Robin if they mind just meeting for a drink. Yes, that's all i need... someone to sit with me.. i would love to ask Alvin too, but I know he's ill and not free. Martin replied he's back with his girlfriend and won't meet. I replied its alright, I just need someone to have a drink with, and not expecting anything more than just a friend. He said, he don't do friends. Eeeek, WTF does he mean? Anyway, I decided to make a critical decision.. time to simplify my life in clean out the freaks. So I replied that I get the idea that I should not contact him EVER again and will gladly do so. Yes, CHEERS~!! Glad I did it.

Robin replied yes, but suggested all the deserted places like Labrador Park and Sentosa. Somehow that made me uncomfortable, i don't wanna get raped or be trapped in a compromised situation. So i asked jokingly if those places he's proposing are too secluded and quiet, would I be able to escape if he decided to turn werewolf haha. But he took offence to it hahahaha... OMG... and called it off, saying since I seemed concerned, he would rather not meet me for the sake of his own safety. Too bad for him, he won't get me to go out with him again. Blehhhhh... Anyway, with my kind of personality, who would really wanna go out with me?

Sigh, and with these disappointing examples of men... i started weeping again.. missing him so much. He has been so good to me, so tolerant, so sweet, so loving. Why do i leave him? Why do I doubt him? Why can't I share him with hani? Why?? Why do I have to just run away??? but i have to, .. because i'm in pain and when i am in pain i cut and run without considering what am i cutting off. I wish I am less sentimental and wish I'm stronger. I guess i must be so brave to have left him-- knowing that I can't live without him, hur hur. Stupid woman.

Sigh, how do I go on?

I guess, I just have to keep breathing... keep breathing.. keep walking.. keep living.

I miss you cupcake. I miss you so much.

I just feel like dying today.

Thoughts continue to flood my mind about the both of them. I guess she's probably on the phone with him now.. its his lunch hour. I wonder at what kind of time does she call him? Lunch time? on his way to work? on his way home? ... I called him the other day when he's on his way to work and its off. he said it was raining. But now, i would liken to think that as a lie, because its easier to tell me that it was raining, compared to telling me hani called. Sigh..

That day when he called me at midnite when I was out with Robin, I returned his call within 5mins and his phone was again engaged for 10mins or so. He said he called M. But now, as I think back, was it M? or was it Hani? Why would he call M when he will be home in 10mins? I don't know. I guess because of Hani, I am now beginning to waver in my trust. I believed him then, right now, I don't know what is the truth......

If I call him now, will he answer? Or would I found the phone engaged... and knowing in my heart that he's probably on the phone with her?

Sigh, get a life, viv. Get a life. If he loves you, he won't lie to you. (so does this means he don't love hani since he lies to her? WTF.)

I don't think there's hope for this love to be repaired, ... but love often conquers all and chose to turn a blind eye to things.

I just feel like dying.