Give me a new rainbow

Just need to post a short one to get some stuff out of my system.

I find that I no longer enjoy coming in to work, and each day now gives me new frustration. Well, of course, this has very much to do with the fact that I'll be leaving. Yet, because of the state of affairs, I began to feel sensitive about some things, and this really bothers me because I fail to be cool and gracious and big - instead, I seem petty and uptight and egoistic and childish.

Why do I say this?

This morning I got in to office (yes, now I'm blogging in office during office hour, LOL!) and found an email from the Finance Manager. It says "Hi! Vivian, Discussed with Charlie & we think that will be better for Finance to check on the payroll details. This will ensure expenses are charged to the relevant exp lines and to enhance internal control procedure. Please kindly forward to me monthly payroll details starting from Mar onwards. Thanks & rgds." .

Well, the first thoughts that came to my mind is : Fuck, why am I not in the discussion? And fine, then it would be nice if at least one of them just have a word with me personally isn't it? I would expect my boss to just tell me that he had that discussion with her and felt it is better this way blah blah blah.. then at least I would still feel respected and valued - not just a nobody!!!

I have been bringing up this issue to boss many times, expressing that finance SHOULD have assess to payroll details, in order to ensure things have been done correclty and figures charged to the correct account and cost centers etc. However he was not comfortable with more people having assess to salary data, and I fully understand his viewpoint. Now, they discussed and decided, and just issued me a short email as above, simply pissed me off! I really do feel like a nobody!!! I really think it could have been better handled. Of course my thoughts from hell shouts loudly in the likes of "Yeah, you're leaving, of course you're a nobody! Who cares! Don't flatter yourself! You're just a slave! Useful life ended, time to flush down the bowl!" Grrrrrrr~!!!

Sigh.... glad to get it off my chest.

With that out of the way, at least I may allow my more reasonable inner voice to be heard. I've been busy and have been out of the office. Boss have also been busy and after all, he's a man, and he's not gay. He does not have all the skills in the world to be sensitive to everyone's feelings, and neither does he need to be extra senstive to my feelings. I should be the one who learn to be mature and cool and handle things and issues professionally without getting sensitive and personal and emotional. I should not even be having self-perceived persecution, as though people are against me and trying to make things unpleasant for me - that is a victim's mentality. Also, different people have different style of communication. This is after all, just work. Just communicate clearly, and then just get the job done - nothing personal. Everyone is just trying to make sure things run smoothly, things are done in a better way, the need to adjust to changes in the organisation and get paid for an honest day's work at the end of each month.

Cool. I think that's better.

Sigh, yet my heart still feels heavy even after I've rationalised my emotions and allow my mind to think the right thoughts. I am basically still an emotionally driven person. It will take some time for me to adjust to the right thoughts.

A reminder : YOU are WHAT YOU THINK. -- As a man thinketh, so is he. Hmmm... did I quote correctly? Or is it What you think becomes you? Aiya, nevermind lah, you know what i mean and I know what I mean can liao. hahahaha..

In a few hours time, I'll be going for a 2nd interview at a new company. The 1st interview on Wednesday morning went quite well and the job seems interesting. It's a PA/Office Manager job at an american MNC company dealing with Web conferencing and Audio conferencing business. There would not be much HR in it, so I'm moving out from the HR field if I take the job. Somehow, that also kinda make me feel a little defeated. I'll miss the title and status of calling myself the "HR Manager" and the sense of pride that goes with it. However, I do know that the job and the title does not define my value as a person. I think, I will be happy as long as I'm working in a nice environment, working with great people, paid well enough, and is able to like what I am doing and be good in what I am doing - ie. where I can shine. So, I am now pretty much looking forward to a new job, and I hope I do get this job and I do hope they will be able to match my current pay without asking me to take a pay cut. That would really be very nice. :o)


Give Me A New Rainbow

Give me a new rainbow in all its brilliant splendor
In the midst of this dark cloudy stormy day
That I may once more lift up my countenance
To embrace new hope, to dream new dreams
To believe in their fulfillment and the happiness it'll bring

Give me a new song a new melody to sing
When my heart is so heavy and laden with cares and woes
That I may lighten the dark mood and dispell the dreading gloom
For I believe in me - I will believe in me - in a better tomorrow
That I'll be stronger than yesterday (heh heh heh... ;P)

Therefore - Hold on, Press on, Soldier on,
Ride it through, brave it through.. till you shine through
Taking a day at a time, one step at a time
And I know - I'll do right, I'll cope fine
For everything's gonna be alright!!!


There, now I'm also a psalmist. hahahah!!


And yes -

Met up with a new friend HF yesterday for coffee and had a really great time out. We had coffee at Shangrila and spent hours just talking and sharing bits and pieces of our live's encounters, as well as discuss a few things close to our heart. What really surprised me is his "welcome gift". This young man passed me a SK red ribbon box and said (with stern voice)- "Doooon't take it the wrong way, every time I meet a new friend, I always bring a gift." And to my awe, it is a beautiful necklace with a sweet cross pendant. It must be expensive!!!!!!!! And shit, I was tempted to burst into tears but have to be cool and hold my composure. *sniff*

I think this act of his brought some real healing to my soul. I've only just stated in my last blog post, that so far for all the men I've met or dated, I could only recall those that robbed me or took from me and none that've given to me... (except, now, I do recall that Jeremy gave me a beautiful pair of Pearl ear rings from SK with a note that says he loves me - but he was also the one who robbed me of my precious, hahaha!!). Though the gift came from just a mutual friend (HF already has a muse), I think it could not have been given to me at a more perfect timing than yesterday, and I am thankful for it. It is a beautiful and thoughtful gift. So, thank you, HF. You make my day!!!!!

And I am glad to have added a genuine friend. Another blessing to remember to count when my eyes are clouded and emotions in dark storms.

Urgh, I'm nervous about the interview. I hope to have favour in the eyes of this Director, and I do hope that it will be a really good move to accept the job if offered to me.

I look forward to seeing a new rainbow for my life.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did a quick google on Rainbow Quotes and oh my, so many!
Just a few that I felt which reflected what's churning in my soul for now :


“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears" - John Vance Cheney

“May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.” - an Irish Blessings Quote

“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.” - Dream is a Wish in Your Heart

“No vision and you perish; No Ideal, and you're lost; Your heart must ever cherish Some faith at any cost. Some hope, some dream to cling to, Some rainbow in the sky, Some melody to sing to, Some service that is high.” - Harriet Du Autermont