04/06 . Pitter Patter Pittie Parttie

One of my favourite sports is SURFING.
Yes, surfing the channels on TV, hur-hur, lame yes I know, hehehee...

OK, was surfing channels and watching TV to kill time earlier and saw the Desparate Housewives trailer, OMG! Hmmm... I just think its so sexy when a man presses a woman against the wall with his body and strong hands, and then kiss her with raw passion till she's all jelly and erm.. hot - heeee.... visually that's such a turn on for me. *blush* Wonder how will it be like? Oh, OK but wait -- conditions : ONLY if this man is desirable or he's my lover. hehehe... I don't think I'll appreciate that from some smelly dirty horny old man/banglah/stranger.. haw haw haw..

Met a friend at 4.30pm for tea today at Jelita Cold Storage's O'Briens'. In the midst of the conversations she asked me how was things with me and Captain Hook. So I told her it had ended.. and related to her the circumstances leading to how it finally ends. She stopped me at one point and told me... I should not even have tried to call him to talk about ending the "friendship".... he was not treating me right and that is obvious. I should not carry on with a man who don't know how to treat me right nor give me the appropriate attention. As I think about what she said, my heart aches deeply. She's so right.. and she told me I should never allow a man to treat me this way again next time. She also reminded me, that men should be the ones calling - or at least they should be the ones doing most of the calling. And this reminded me why my ego was so bruised when my foreign friend did not call when he's in town. Even after we've finally established contact, I seem to be the one initiating most of the contact and sending messages. WTF? Sigh.... the stupid things I do to loose my dignity as a woman. *sobs* Why does it hurt so much? How to make it stop?

After tea, we parted ways around 6pm. Oh did I mention that the Peacan Pie was absolutely fabulous? Unwilling to head home yet, I walked around the place, and a sense of loneliness began to grip me deeply. Oh dear, I can't be left alone in my thoughts! Sigh, it'll pass - its' just emotions and a phase to go through, it happen to everyone at some point in their lives - I tell myself. I'll just have to cope with the loneliness and find a way to overcome it. Browsed around a clotheswear shop and bought a nice new crystal ear ring, S$22. Then walked into Times bookstore, and browse at what's new on the shelves. It's been a long time since I've picked up any novels or mysteries or thrillers to read. Maybe its time to do that again - immerse myself into another world created by the author. Then I caught sight of this book titled "He's just not that into you" - and I took a look inside (yes, I recall having read it briefly before.... when I bought it for a friend?) OOUUCCCCHHH!!! Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!!! The words cut right into me then and there.. and I was on the verge of tears, felt like I couldn't breathe. It was double blow dealt to me as I realised that for one, Captain Hook was not that into me -when he "fell ill" perpetually - and left me clueless and hanging while his usual attention for me fizzled off - till today, I don't know why nor what happen.... was there something wrong with me or did I do something wrong? Women tend to feel this way but I guess I shouldn't. Fine, anyway that is so over, I've walked away, I've moved on though the wound is still raw and takes time to heal.

Yet right now - the 2nd blow - there's another him that is also clearly not that into me (*DUH~ WAKE UP WOMAN! HE IS DEFINITELY NOT INTO YOU AND HE IS NOT AVAILBLE!!!) and I have been doing silly things again in positioning myself in vulnerable spots and risk getting my heart trodden over or carelessly smashed up. I must really stop myself from being so stupid and silly. Quoting another friend of mine - she reminded me that men will never cherish women who comes on to them. I believe she's right. Men are the hunters, the puppies (dogs).. they're the ones who chases afer the cats, hehehe... I guess I need to be a cat kind of woman, eh? However, it does seem kind of futile just sitting around to wait for men to ask you out. Hey I tried that - and now I'm 35 years, and still have not had a boyfriend. hehehhehehe... do I wait till 40? And yet I am so afraid that I am becoming desparate. Because you tend not to be selective when you are desparate.

Alas! but I just can't help being a trusting enthusiastic puppy most of the times. Though knowing I need to be so careful and cautious, knowing that I should hold back, be cool or distant, and restrain myself and not throw myself all over the man I like.. I still stupidly head for destruction - like a moth to a flame - towards those whom I favour or have a crush upon. So YES...., I've not been careful with my heart again, and now am licking my bruises and wounds., and no one is going to pity me. Yet, I still hold true to the philosophy that I'd rather regret what I've done, than to regret never tried. I also don't want to become so cautious that I become like a hermit crab that hides my whole life in the tiny shell. I also refuse to become a suspicious paranoid old dog that growls at everyone. But I hope that I will meet good people who will be nice to puppies. (Anyway, I would liken myself to be a cute sweet natured innocent puppy who runs out now and then for an adventure, and maybe becomes friendly with someone who seems nice... but if bullied or got myself injured or abused somehow, I'd probably run home with my tail between my legs and whine.. shiver and hide.. and howl at times.. till the pain is forgotten, till I'm brave enough to run outside again, this time slightly wiser. Then repeat from above again. hahahaaha... !) -- However I need to say this... there are a few guys who have been asking me out and wanting to explore the 'friendship' with me after a date - but... heh heh... no thanks. They're not my cup of tea, I'm sorry. I will still rather be single and without someoe to love me than to be in a wrong relationship or leading anyone on whenI have no intention in moving the freindship forward. Do unto others what you would others unto you.

Just thinking.. perhaps its time for me to keep a pet again. Well, I have so much love to give, yet no man to give to, so maybe it will be good to channel it to a pet eh? hahahaha... this is so KNS and full of shit. hahahaha... (and don't you DARE suggest me channeling my "love" to charity and be a volunteer at old folks homes or orphanages -grrrr I don't mean that kind of love!). Ever since my dearest precious darling Coffee, Powder & Meimei passed away, I did not wanna keep anymore hamsters nor pets. I did consider keeping a small dog, but that is more for dad - to keep him company and perhaps occupied since he had retired. Dad totally rejected that idea, saying he is too busy (coaching tennis & reading newspapers) so we never went ahead with it. But now, I think.. the pet is for me. Not sure if I really should, and if that is for a good or right reason... its clearly for selfish reasons, yet definitely if I have a pet, you can be assured that my pet will be doted upon ridiculously, heheheheeeee. Sigh.. a dog will be nice, he'll give me his attention and devotion and affection unconditionally. He will not think that I'm fat or ugly or wierd or out of this world. In fact, he will cuddle with me when I need a cuddle and hug, and will listen to my woes and comfort me in his sweet ways when I'm down. However, I think I'm still a cat person, heh heh. OHhhhhhh those big fat tom cats... how I long to have one of them. I want to see my cat grow from a kitten to a BIG FAT PUTTY TAT... like the nice fatty sleepy cat I posted earlier. Did you see it?

Sigh... I have been feeling so lonely lately, and so lonesome in my heart. Just can't stop feeling this way. There must be a cure. I badly wanna give love, love someone, and be loved in return. Wanted so much to have someone to cuddle with, to focus care and affection and attention. Maybe it is because I have tasted a little of it - when Captain Hook came on to me with his charming ways - and now, having that withdrawn from me really made me fell hard on my face. Just can't stop hoping to have someone to go out with, have meals, watch movies, do fun things, or just talk over coffee, exchange sms.. etc. Not that I can't do it with my buddies and girl friends.. but I guess, I crave for a man's affection and the sense of security he could give me. ARGH, I think something is wrong with with what I've just said. Just too tired to analyse it right now. I think a woman should not be depending on a man for her happiness, she needs to be able to live a full life and be happy being on her own. Right now, I think I still need to work at it. hahaha.. And to think of that.. I was not so miserable before I met Captain Hook. Anyway, this is part of growing up. If I want to experience real life.... I must not be afraid of pain. Oh, but it is really so damn painful....
I have to do something about feeling lonely. Denying that I feel lonely or numbing it out will not solve the problem. I really do feel lonely, very lonely. However, I refuse to allow myself to wallow in it. I must take actions to overcome it. Things I can do : I should go out, go to the gym and do plenty of exercising (- exercise helps put off depression), I should try calling friends who are available (who also might just be as lonely as I am) to go out for a movie or drinks or food or just meet to talk, I should go learn something new - Salsa or other dances, I MUST fill up my life. I must I must I must do that. I must get out of the dark shadows that constantly tells me that I'm lonely because I have no man in my life. NO. There must be a way to dispell this dark cloud.

And of course, I can blog. Blogging and writing is therapeutic for me. It is an outlet, and it will never get tired of listening to my repetitions, hehe.. Blogging helps me sort out my thoughts and sometimes my emotions as I express and put words and attach labels to how I am feeling. I can't express all, but even 30% will help. However, blogging can be lonely too, if no one reads... anyway, I guess primarily, I blog because I need to express myself. It is not to influence anyone nor impress anyone. At the same time, it helps to inform my friends and buddies - who care enough to read - how I've been doing and what's been going through my heart and mind. Of course not everyone has the patience, or habit or free time to read blogs. I'm happy if you call me anytime to ask me how have I been. I love a good talk, so I won't mind. Better still if you'll buy me lunch or coffee just to hear me out. hahahahahaha...

Sigh... but after writing so much... I still feel like crying~ *sobs*

OK. Snap out of it! Will think of happier things. It's exactly 9pm now. 3 more hours and it'll be midnite, the day will soon be over. Sleep a few hours more and a new work week begins. I'll at least have 40 hours minimum at the office having fun with work and colleagues.

I'll just need to keep living each day as it comes, cope the best way I can, and continue to believe that one day (soon, before I turn 40 or wrinkly or even more fugly?) I will be in the arms of the man I love, and be cherished, loved, and happy. And before that happens, I must learn to be happy and live a full life no matter what. Yeah, easier said than done. But I will try. And I will keep reminding myself.

In fact, when I woke up this morning (erm.. afternoon), I asked myself why would I want to stay alive? What am I living for? Do I have any hopes and keep me going??? If I am held at gunpoint, is there any reason I can give to justify why I need to be alive????? I regret to say, that other than knowing my friends and family will be devastated over my unfortunate demise, there is nothing I could think of that would make me wanna fight to stay alive (not like others who wanna be alive to see their love again, their children/babies or earn their 1st million). Probably, in addition.. I only have the deep regrets that I have let my parents down, that I won't see how handsome little David would become, ... and O dear~ I still owe my mum some money, plus some outstanding monthly financial committments (instalment for the laptop, gym locker, income tax & insurance premium - and the outstanding debts still in my name payable by LY and OA), and the fact that I died an old boyfriend-less virgin - wahahahahhaa.. and I could imagine... just before the bullet blow my brains up, I'd probably say "shucks, should have just gone ahead with Mr ABC when they asked if I wanna f**k.." kekekeke..

What happened to my self confidence? Suddenly I find myself in complete lack of it. It has crumbled totally. And now I greatly feared rejection so. I could even picture myself clutching a heart so fragile.. and anytime it will fall apart. Oh dear, how would I ever be attractive to any men by being a complete emotional wreck? I hate to feel this way.. and I hate to see myself as needy, insecure, fragile, weak, emotinally dependent, negative, discouraged, a puddle on the floor. Men these days probably no longer want nor look for soft fragile women whom they can protect, they go for the intelligent independent confident sexy women who can probably live without them, yet has that vulnerability and softness at the same time. Low maintenance high impact? Sigh.. is there hope for one such as me? Such quiet desperations. There will not be any answers anyway. If you ask people they'll just shout at you and say in their most encouraging tone "YES OF COURSE THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU!!!!!!... blah blah blah~..." Anywayzzzz.. I'll just have to carry on.. and make sure I get out of this hole.. and try to regain my confidence again. And a self reminder, being rejected by a man or if a man is not into you or if he chose to abandon you, does not mean you loose your worth. I am worthy. I am worth it. Just that not many have discovered me. -- no one will discover me for the next few months anyway, because I'll be cowering and shivering in the well... I the little frog in the well is going back into hiding. Sigh.. who will come and coax me out and rescue me? Who will reach out and touch my heart and help me believe the possibilities again? *looks around.... NO ONE IN SIGHT. Ok. time to hop into the well. (*hop, hop, leap........ SPLASH!.. sob-sob-sob).

OH~ Why am I so depressed? Must be the hormones - yeah, I'm having my menses that's why?!

OK, once again, I think too much. Will now go hug my bolster and cry a bit just to get it out of the system. Yes, its pity party, obviously. Yes, so here's where you finally see where I conjoured up the title of this post "Pitter Patter Pittie Partie". My tear drops goes pitter patter like falling rain. Awwwwwwww...~, I do feel so sorry for myself!

GONNA GIVE MYSELF SOME HUGS.. *self hug*

May I be all sunny again tomorrow. No more tears...