09/06 . Life goes on...

Life Goes On.... Have been doing more self-searching... The fact still stands that I can't help being enthusiastic over the new people in my life, that's me - though the excitement is not usually extended to everybody, but to those who greatly intrigued me or who were unusually kind and sweet to me, who brought me sunshine in my darkest moments - and I just couldn't help but be a silly little puppy. *wags tail violently* My best friend ET can testify to how many times I've been excited about the new people I've recently encountered and told her all about it them, how wonderful or wacky or refreshing or what I thought of them...and soon enough we had a really good laugh when these fantastic people turned out otherwise~ (some turn out to be nightmares!!!!!!!!). I just don't have the ability to really read people well, and tend to be guilable and naive and trusting - Oh so dark the con of man, bwahahahahaha.... However I do know that in reality people are not perfect. Neither am I. We all have our good bad and ugly, and for first impressions we will always present our best, won't we? I'm talking about normal people of course. That's why I am always not so easily flattered when people are overwhelmingly excited about me - I'll tell them... HA you'll think otherwise when you get to know me better. Nope, I'm not the pleasant sweet demure amiable gal you think I am (or you see from the pictures, OMG!). I am capable of rasing my middle finger at you and saying 发YOU with flared nostrils and a nasty snarl on my face! wahahahahaha.... So........ Hmmmm.... The much anticipated and awaited arrival of a new friend came at a time as I was emerging from one of the most painful episode of my life this year - Yep when things ended with Captain Hook in end-April. (hahaha woah~ it is now JUNE!!! OMG!!!! Half a year already!!! Soon it will be Christmas!). I must have pinned my hopes of getting lots of sunshine moments by meeting up with someone new and fun and potentially charming (hahaha sucker me!) to chase my shadows away, to move forward with life. Or maybe just someone new whom I thought cared about me, which I may spend time just pouring my heart with. sigh~ Geez look at how clingy or needy or dependent I'm sound. Argh. Alright, I'm still looking for a soulmate. And this person seemed potential. NOW, how many of such people cross my path in a year? F-E-W. Sigh.. Usually I seem to be the most interesting person in my life!!!! wahahahaha shameless! Of course, I must be fair to my best pals, they brought out the best in me - that'z what friends are for! So what do I do when the "party fun & sunshine moments" I badly look forward to seemed to be postponed and delayed and eventually coming to the realisation that HEY~ no one had invited me but I've shamelessly invited myself!!!!??? (Or perhaps they changed their mind about inviting me, sobz.. am I such dread?? sobZZzzzzz - oh maybe I am!?? Time to check my personl blindspots perhaps? hahahaha....OK, it's their loss!!!) But OOOOHHHHH!!!! Hard truth to deal with! OUCH OUCH OUCH!! *clench heart* However, instead of beating myself up and wallowing over this in self-pity and self-perceived rejection (which is a big problem I used to have since a teenager and trying to overcome - yep, getting there) - all part of a defence mechanism in fear of rejection.... It is time to just leave things be, let things take a natural course. Stop wanting things to happen. Stop trying to make things happen. Stop. People have a life. People have business to run. People have things to be busy with. GET A LIFE. So, back to the question : What do I do when excitement turns into disappointment? No no no no no... getting bitter or negative or upset is definitely NOT the answer. Bad mistake I made - but hahaha... I'm somewhat a born loser, I guess. It's OK, I don't have to be perfect because I have the courage to be imperfect (yes, I'll cope with this for now). ACCEPTING that this is just part of life is the answer. Sad, but life goes on..... and on and on and on. Yep, never did hear from him anymore and probably won't soon, and even if never.... Life goes on... Yep, I've probably made a fool of myself - silly gal, but its ok, it's not the first time, so I'll still love me and be kind to me and pick myself up when I fall.... Life goes on.... Yep, when another is NOT as mutually enthusiastic about me or have their own reasons for staying away,... Life goes on.... not everything in this world revolves around me. I do accept these as the realities of life. Damn unwilling to, but I will. Growing pains and growling pain! I have to remind myself that this is very NORMAL. I can see in my life too- that I keep some people in my life at arm's length as well - either because I am not too keen on them, or, I "withdraw" once I got to know them better or got a hint of how I will potentially NOT enjoy their company. Yes, both men & women. There's this guy I went out with, and immediately could see how impatient a person he is during our date. He did not wait for me to look through the menu and ordered for me, he did not confirm with me if I'd like the bacon with the sausages and told the waitress NO (if he'd asked me I would have said Yey!!), and while giving me a lift home he kept stepping on the gas pedal and inching forward, inching forward, inching foward.. before the lights go green. GOSH! I know I can't live with those who are impatient. I'll get on their nerves, and they'll get on mine big time. There's also this young gal who wrote to me in Friendster and chatted online, then spoke on the phone once and after that kept sending me sms to say she missed me, can we chat, can we meet. Finally we went out once to catch a movie and she continued to be clingy and frequently seeks my attention. Eventually I was really annoyed and ignored her altogether. Sometimes I might reply her when I'm in the mood.. but most of the times her messages are ignored. So are the same case with some guys who sends me messages - I just ignore them and answer on days I feel like it. Sigh~ So.... what you sow you will reap.. or do the same to others what you would expect others to do to you. Hence I should accept it when someone did not bother with me that much. Oh, get a life Viv. *ouch* Yes, it seems I am really tripped on this issue. Hung up on it. But yes, I am also dealing with it. Somehow it had hit something in my soul that brought pain, pain, pain.. Unhealed wounds? I'm still searching for it. If I don't continue to face it and challenge it internally, it will eat me up. One day I'm gonna react in a ridiculous manner to a perfectly innocent poor creature and won't know where that came from. It affects me, so I need to examine it closely. I need to understand why I am feeling this way, and to try to talk myself into seeing things more positively or realistically. Wish I am less complicated than this. But I'm a woman, can't help it. huhuhuhuhuhurrrrr... Just watched the movie PICTURE PERFECT on TV. Awwwwwww... so romantic. Love that guy "Nick" in this show, he is so so so sweet. Perhaps I don't need someone witty funny, I just need someone sweet like Nick. Sigh~ ... Love the way he looks at Jennifer Annistan in the show, such adoration for her yet she is oblivious to it. Hmm... this never happened to me before. Oh, maybe once but I only got to know it years later from others. I mean, a guy too young for me likes me and I totally was ignorant of it. And this brings to mind... in my life, most of the time it is me having some crush on a guy and getting all crushed up in my heart when I'm rejected. Then on the opposite end the guys who were attracted or interested in me are such undesirable sorts... - oh yes, one of such guy was rather persistant about pushing our friendship. Just after ONE date and he's asking me for a weekend trip up to Malaysia. Geez. Still, it seems that what the love gurus wrote on their books are so true - Men will not cherish women who comes on to them. Sigh, that is so hard for me to do. I believe in expressing my feelings and showing love. Not keep them to myself and act cool. It is sad when those whom you desired or esteemed in your life ignored your existence, while those you ignored kept on pestering and getting you annoyed. I guess I should offer no apology that this period of my life has been largely focused on the topic of dating + men + love + dream of meeting someone right. Hey, I'm turning 35 in November. I feel the need for someone. I feel it strongly. So I'm not gonna deny it or numb it out, nor act so coool like I don't care if there's a man in my life or not. NO. I AM NOT COOL about it right now. Yes, I was cool about it years ago, just NOT NOW. It is hard to accept compliments and encouraging affirmations from the nice friends I made... Guys who told me I'm lovely and "hot sexy babe" and that I'm not fat, just lovely the way I am. I think it is really really so sweet of them, and I'm deeply touched. I do think that I'm beautiful too... and that I'm charming in my own ways, and really sweet, and mischievious and so much more... hahahahaa... just that my confidence get crushed easily. HOWEVER, no matter how well and lovely they think of me, they are not gonna be the men who would eventually ask for my heart nor my hand. I still want to look my best for the man who would be the love of my life. AND yes, I also wanna look better for me. DAMN it's been too long since I'm able to wear something really nice an decent, those nice dresses and blouses out in the shops! It's depressing when I go shopping and tries to get into any of them! Nothing fits! And those which fit me.. sigh.. don't flatter my looks. Anyway, I'm set on my goals to loose 10kg by end of the year. HEH. Now how do I come to this? hahahah... excuse me while I read above again. AHHHHhh... yes.. Life goes on... Yep. I just need to get used to life at present. Let it get back normal again. Again, another nonsensical rambling of a complicated emotionally rich woman. Life goes on, life goes on.. life........ goes......... on.............