Heart Matters

Thoughts are kinda in a jumble, so are emotions.

Is it for real? Could it be true this time?
Love.....

I want to believe in it, yet I lack the courage to just fall into it, to rest and be assured, to embrace it. I feel afraid.. afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be a fool again, afraid to be deeply disappointed, afraid that its another passing cloud, afraid of another wolf in sheep clothing which I still dont seem to know how to detect.. afraid that I will ruin it with my overwhelming emotions and passionate desires once I unleash them from within me... .

Now, I just want to shrink, run, and withdraw - to hide..

Confusion fills my mind and heart, and it clouds the eyes i can't see clearly.

Reaching out to me is someone who seems genuine.. who seems to have come to know me in my unfiltered self and has liked me for who i am... (really??? hmm... he have not seen the worst of me!).. he also does not seem to be one who will give up easily but will stand by me, seems more mature and stable and wholesome and patient than me. Someone I felt I can respect, depend on, trust, give of myself to.... Or is this just my fantasy playing tricks on me?

Insecurity - it has strike me again. Sigh... creeping up on me is also the fear - that my other "dark emotions" might start surfcaing me and overwhelm me, freaking him off. Yet I know.. if he is someone who is not able to have the luxury of time to spend with me - that will bring me into the zone of neediness. I don't want to miss someone too badly.. I don't want to desire and long to be with someone so much that it hurts... I dont want to start giving of my heart and soul, only to find the other person withdrawing. ...

I am just afraid.

Why?

Sigh.. thinking too much is the problem. He told me that I am the one complicating things.
I guess he's right. Sigh...

Ok lah I will sleep early tonight. Did not managed to sleep last nite bcos of 2 cups of late night coffee.

And it does not help that throughout today, I'm the one who initiated all the contacts to him - he just reply. Bad..... yes, bad. This is no good... No more. Cannot liddat lah.. wrong liao wrong liao. And I dont want to wonder why and assume wrong things, haha. Sigh... I gotta slow my heart down and cool my mind off.. (-_-) Haiya.. why I so liddat?...

Yet... the wise words of the master from Kungfu Panda "Yesteday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a Gift - that's why it is call the Present".

Why think so far ahead? Why anticipate the negative future?

I should treasure what I have today.
I shall treasure the gift of Summer's warmth given in my heart.
And yes, I will cherish the special memories of that romantic night at Bali Villa - haha!! How unexpected, how sweet! How confusing! Oh my... complicated.. complicated... ~!

Donno what the fug i am talking liao, but yeah, Zzz first bah.

*hug .. self hug*