Bad Day - Friday the 13th!!! O_o

Sigh.. this can't go on!!

I must bury this once and for all!!

I really have no idea this thing really hit me so hard this time... sigh... How can it be??

On thinking back, I've only known him for a month. We've met up only 4 times in total!! Moreover, 1st 3 times, its not even a date!!!! The 1st time, we met for lunch and coffee to discuss something that he wanted my opinion for pertaining to some issues his female friend is going thru. 2nd time, hmm.... can't remember who asked who but we more or less decided to meet for late supper to yak yak yak again, becoming good friends already through the daily chatting. I see him as only the unfortunate younger cousin of the horrible pig (our common contact) turned personal friend.

3rd time we met up was after his one week ICT and he asked me to meet for dinner. During then I sort of felt he might be liking me but dismissed the thoughts becos its too KNS and it cold be just harmless flirting. After dinner and a fun chat with the restaurant's staff named "Sky", we're not in the mood for heading home, so he suggested going to Bali Villa for drinks... and that is when, in a moment we're just chilling out to smooth jazz music after wine... he kissed me and caught me totally by surprise. That's just last Thursday. The kiss changes everything. Gosh.. I was so confused. And on Saturday nite, we dated, hahaha... we caught a late movie - holding hands and enjoying the close connection while watching Kungfu Panda, and went to Mr Bean Cafe for coffee & wings after the show. Sigh, at that point.. I am still considering if I should accept this apparently budding romance. Hmmm~ sound so damn KNS lor. haha!!

And then, 3 days later - IT'S OVER!!!!! Oh What the hell!!! O_o Unbelievable!!!

Dr John Gray wrote : Men are like Blow Torches, Women are like Ovens. INDEED!!!! I mean, his fire came and gone so quickly, and now I'm just about preheated!!! All the energy put into heating up for nothing to bake! Grrrrr~~~

Also, its ridiculous. 3 days romance - and I'm like wanting to die liddat. Wah lau.... Viv, have some standard can or not!!??? If he CMI in his approach, then please move on. Don't sit there cry like baby, sob so loud as though someone died. Not worth it at all lor.. WAKE UP!!!!

O_o

Yeah, had a bad day today.

Early in the morning, I had a fight with Princess Carol over something which really set the fucking mood for the day.

Moreover, there is the stress to pack up the personal items and office items into boxes due to the office renovation. I needed to transport some stuff home, including some chairs and a pedestal (given free to staff - otherwise disposed to garang guni company). The tea lady's brother couldnt make it for this evening to help with transportation and I badly need to find solution. Thank God for Michelle - in the last minute I heard that her elder brother will coming to help her ferry some things home too, so I asked if I could engage his help and yes they were able to help me. Yahoo~!! However, I have to packed within 30mins!!!!!!!!! Arrrrghhhhhh!!!! STRESS!!!!!!

Anyway, thank God, I was able to pack most of the stuff and have them help me transport home - in the end it took about 2 hours (not 30minutes).

After that, lunch.. and carry on packing the office docs and stuffs with Jeslyn's help, and then finally, my own remaining personal effects. I brought home about 10 boxes of stuff. Geez.

Sigh....

And as I was packing, I began to feel sad... very very sad.
I feel miserable... very very miserable..

Reality of leaving my company sets in.
I am taking off all my stuff and packing into boxes - not bringing back.

Tears threatened to flow, but I dont wanna attract unnecessary attention - will be alarming for colleagues to catch me crying in my office while packing. Drama. So I swallowed those tears.

Sms'd him at about 1pm to let him know that the chairs he wanted have been brought to my place - and he can collect them when he is able to. Waited till 6pm, and there is still no reply. Sigh... in the past, he will reply sms promptly, and in fact he is the one who sms me most of the time. But now... so far... he has been that fucking silent and unresponsive. It is disappointing, so disappointing that I don't have the words to describe it. I am beginning to think that this is probably him in normal mode. If that is it, then really CMI lor. Sigh.... confirmed - if this is the standard in communication, then I'll be in for big frustrations if we got seriously involved. I know I need someone communicative and responsive. I guess, it is good to discover early that we are not compatible.

Another thought is... (for the benefit of doubt) : he probably does not want to lead me on, hence choosing to behave the way he did - for I would do the same too (in fact I've done that to Kalli when he just couldnt seem to get over me, sigh~). In that case, I should be grateful that he left me with no hope to cling on to.

I called him finally, around 6pm plus and asked casually if he's at work. Then asked if he received my sms, he confirmed he did. So I really hadda come direct, and i told him I am calling bcos i didnt get any reply and wants to confirm that he got the message so I can plan what to do with the chairs. Well, he just said that he'll probably collect on sunday , still trying to arrange with his friend for transport. Sigh.. I wonder if I should just forget about the chairs. Perhaps he dont really want them or would rather not see me than to come get the chairs - he can afford them anyway.

Devastated by the distance... felt like almost strangers. Tears choked up ... and I can't take it anymore at that point. Making the whole day worse is the accumulated effect of the fight in the morning, and the reality of me leaving my job, the anxiety of having no new job yet to go to... and the heartbreak... another heart wrenching episode.

I wished for a moment he had not crossed the line that night... because somehow when my heart melted, i because vulnerable, soft, and weak. I was still tough and brave to stand through this period of uncertainty and loss.

Michelle came over to talk to me after everyone has left the office, and we started talking. She saw the torture & misery on my face and asked me why.. and I started to tell her, and i just broke down and cried...
I cried aloud, feeling so sorry for myself. I sobbed loudly, tears running down my cheeks... in my office... in front of michelle.
Sobs.......

It felt good after that. Much better.

Sigh...

Couldn't help but send him one last sms around 11pm. Saying I miss him, and its has been a week since we kissed. No reply. I doubt there will be any. And another piece of me died.

Time to bury it. Enough grieving. I need to remove the sack cloth and shake off the ashes. It has dragged too long... the pain. Yet I can't deny that I'm in pain.

I will have to hide again... I dont feel like going out nor doing anything. I just feel like crying.

But yea, I think, forget about the chairs. I dont want to go where I'm not welcomed. Why be so helpful to someone who now treats me as a stranger?

If I love myself, I will need to lift my head up high and be angry with him!!! I should be angry!!!!! Yet all i can feel is grieve and pain!!!

But yea... if he's happier this way, then I should not try to tie him down. right?

I will not make myself cheap anymore. No more.
Going after him will only make him despise me instead of him seeing any value in me.

Forget... let it go... Let things go back to normal.

My heart will heal. I will be ok soon.

I need a hug. A big big warm loving hug... sobs...
there I go again... crying.. sigh...

Wish there's a prince for me too... who'll wanna make me smile.. and end my tears
(=.+)